So, that's one way to do it. Then again, if you're Tom Sizemore's partner and you're pitching to one of the biggest publications in town, there's this way:

Darryl, Darryl, Darryl (can we call you "Darryl"?). Where to begin? First of all, when you're sending this email to a female editor (as you did in this case), "Dear sir," ain't gonna fly. Also, it's "STARZ." And that whatever inclusion of an IMDb profile might not be such a good idea when a simple scroll-down reveals conversation topics like "Am I the only person on Earth who thinks Sizemore is good looking," "Crackhead Celeb," and "Has anyone been able to juggle career and jail better than this guy?" If blunt efficacy was your goal, let Sizemore write the query himself next time (and make sure he opens it with, "Hey youse guys").

[Photo Credit: AP]

My first encounter came when I spotted Leif at The Standard during a quick sojourn for lunch last Wednesday afternoon. As I walked downstairs to their yellow-accented diner to snarf down a quick sammy at approximately 2:15pm, I immediately recognized the `70s teen icon from his myriad appearances on Video Hits One. He was wearing the same bandana and same oppressively large sunglasses that he always wears on teevee. I recognized him right away, but being a semi-seasoned person when it comes to celebrity encounters, played it like I had no clue who he was. That is, until a voice bellowed across the room in my general direction, "Bro, how's that turkey panini?" I looked up from my sandwich and realized it was none other than Leif, asking me for an impromptu food review like I was a guest judge on Top Chef. I stammered out a quick response (I cannot tell a lie, it was a damn good sandwich), and Leif replied that his B-A-L-T-A (a BLT with avocado, hence the extra As) was "killer" and that I should order it the next time I come back. He then proceeded to get two phone calls in rapid succession, and quickly left the diner. Considering he got arrested for scoring drugs at Pershing Square (within walking distance of The Standard) less than two years ago, one would've figured that Leif would be avoiding the area, not rushing off to meet someone down in that `hood. Curious spice.

Next up was Tom Sizemore, last seeing co-starring with Katherine Heigl and leading "Zyzzyx Road" to a powerhouse $30 opening weekend. I spotted him on Saturday morning at the crisp hour of 5:45am (which is either REALLY early or REALLY late, depending), as I was hurriedly checking out of the hotel. He was wearing pink and black Zubaz pants and was carrying a teacup-sized dog of unknown origins. As dutifully patient and attentive hotel employees listened to Sizemore speedily prattle on (sample convo: "Youlikefootball? ILOVEfootball!! Ican'twaittowatchfootballlatertoday!!!"), I finally put two and two together and decided this story had more to it than just being another graf or two in this week's Privacy Watch. While I realize that two instances are just coincidence and it takes three events to make a a trend, I'm not betting against the possibility that I would've seen Brad Renfro wandering around the lobby had I stayed there a few more days. Here's hoping that both Leif and Tom were there to enjoy a meal / walk their dog (respectively) and not to reacquaint themselves with Mr. Brownstone.

"I'm not trading my whole life for some powder," Sizemore said in Lerdo Jail on Thursday afternoon.

Sizemore was sentenced Wednesday to undergo treatment in Proposition 36, a drug therapy program.

"God's trying to tell me he doesn't want me using drugs because every time I use them I get caught," Sizemore said.

Luckily for Sizemore—who insists his head of white hair was the result of a peroxide job gone bad, and not the harsh reality of life behind bars—the judge was willing to look past his Whizzinator-based transgressions and give the actor a second shot at redemption. Hopefully, he'll take full advantage of it, and we won't see the ugly scenario in which two plain-clothes officers are waiting for him at the entrance to the Bakersfield Target after a suspicious employee called in a sighting of a "pink-haired old dude" who "complained of severe hay-fever and a big remodeling job" who just bought out the remainder of their Sudafed and turpentine stock.

• Sizemore says he's done with drugs [bakersfield.com]

Tom Sizemore on Monday was sentenced to 16 months in prison for violating his probation in a drug-related case - though a prosecutor tells PEOPLE the actor will only serve two to seven months should he receive credit for time he's already spent in rehab.

Last week, in anticipation of his sentencing, [Sizemore] tearfully begged Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Cynthia Rayvis not to put him behind bars.

But prosecutors insisted that Sizemore has been given enough breaks, with Deputy District Attorney Sean Carney telling the judge, "I think the time has come for the court to revoke his probation."

"I think it's clear from his record that probation isn't the answer," Carney tells PEOPLE. "He used a Whizzinator, he lied to the court, he has a history of domestic violence and of deceiving the court, and given somebody with that kind of problem, the court needs to send him to the kind of rehab he's not going to be able to walk away from: prison."

The Deputy D.A. clearly has an ax to grind regarding the slippery Sizemore, having been thrown off the trail one too many times by the Whizzinator and similar pee-test-hacking devices. Still, a few months of incarceration might by the cold dose of sober reality the actor needed to get back on track, during which he can maximize his time behind bars bartering for the highest possible price for his exit interview—topping out now at a complimentary Subway spread with all the fixings courtesy of "Martin Bashir and the Gang at Nightline."

• Sizemore Gets 16 Months For Breaking Probation [People]

Tom Sizemore surrendered to a Los Angeles court Tuesday on an arrest warrant for allegedly violating probation.

Sizemore, 45, was arrested on May 8 in Bakersfield, Calif., for investigation of using crystal methamphetamine outside a hotel. He was charged with five drug-related felonies and pleaded not guilty to each on May 22.

But at the time of his arrest, the Black Hawk Down actor was on probation stemming from a conviction of meth possession in October 2004. The Los Angeles District Attorney has asked a judge to revoke the probation.

Sizemore faces 16 months in state prison if it's found that he violated probation.

Sizemore once claimed to have had a tryst with fellow sex tape star Paris Hilton in his home gym/juice bar/sling room, after which she climbed into an awaiting limo with the parting words, "Goin' to Sundance. See you next week." Despite her vehemently denying it at the time, something about the fates of these two probation-flouting ne'er-do-wells seem oddly in sync. We can only hope that Sizemore, like Paris, will choose to make the most of his latest brush with adversity. But who are we kidding: We all know the second they let him out out, he'll head straight back into the embrace of his toothless, tweaking monkey mistress, and it won't be long before the two are spotted playfully chasing each other in and out of the rooms of the Bakersfield Sheraton.

• Tom Sizemore Surrenders to Court [People.com]

TMZ has learned that a Los Angeles County judge has issued a bench warrant for the Sizemore's arrest, after he was booked on drug charges in Bakersfield earlier this month.

The "Black Hawk Down" actor's arrest may have violated the terms of Sizemore's probation from a 2004 drug conviction. Tom must now turn himself over to authorities, so a judge can determine if he should be thrown behind bars... A date for the probation violation hearing has not been set.

With jail time once again in the cards for the brazen recidivist, it won't be long before his latest legal distractions disrupt the set of the movie he's currently filming, leaving his Stiletto co-stars Tom Berenger and Michael Biehn to fend for themselves as the meth-addled thespian abandons his takes in order to boast about his impressive day-player rates to a crowd of extras he repeatedly confuses with the L.A. County District Attorney.

• Arrest Warrant Issued for Tom Sizemore [TMZ]

Actor Tom Sizemore, still on probation for a drug rap, was arrested Tuesday for investigation of possessing methamphetamine as he sat in a car outside a Bakersfield hotel, police said.

Sizemore, 45, of Calabasas, was arrested after drugs were found in his car outside the Four Points Sheraton hotel, Detective Greg Terry said.

Officers were called to the hotel at around 7:30 a.m. by a report that a man had challenged an employee to fight while trying to check in, Terry said. [...]

A search of the car turned up two bags of suspected methamphetamine and "some additional narcotics smoking pipes," Terry said.

It's hard not to feel sorry for the actor, who violates his probation at a time when it's inadvisable for high profile fuck-ups who occasionally star in their own reality series to do so. Sadly, however, it sometimes takes an arrest—and the harsh sentencing that may come with it—to finally set a celebrity gone astray back onto the straight and narrow. Besides, it's clear Sizemore has been getting nothing but bad advice lately from the snaggletoothed vestigial twin living inside his navel that begins to talk to him after a couple sleepless nights riding hard on the pipe.

• Tom Sizemore arrested for drugs in Bakersfield [LAT/AP]

Zyzzyx Road reach[ed] an astonishing 30 dollars at the domestic box office.

That's not a typo. I didn't mean 30 million dollars. Or 300,000 dollars. Zyzzyx Road, released on February 25th of 2006, was released in one theater, where it played for six days and earned 30 dollars total. That would be an average of five dollars per day, although Box Office Mojo tells us that the film actually made the bulk of its money - twenty bucks - on the opening weekend.

Amazingly, for a movie that was seen by only three people (or possibly six if they were matinee patrons), Zyzzyx tested through the roof, with an amazing 67% of comment cards rating the film as "very good" or "excellent," and citing in particular its "strong performances" and "surprising twists and turns," such as when "when Tom Sizemore's character stopped mid-sentence, looked into the camera, and threatened to gouge the director's eyes out with a can opener if he didn't immediately find a check in his hands large enough to cover that week's meth-and-hooker bill."

• WHAT IF THEY RELEASED A MOVIE AND NOBODY CAME? [Chud.com via Neatorama]

"You literally watch a man come unglued and unraveled from his own point of view," Olde said. "He lays it all out there."

Series will trail the now-sober actor as he embarks on acting jobs, including a movie for the BBC that's lensing in Canada. Sizemore will narrate the proceedings, which will include flashbacks to his battles with drug and sexual addiction via tape he shot on his own.

VH1 has internalized the lessons of Breaking Bonaduce's ultimate failure to produce a televised fatality, and will take no such chances with the Sizemore series. In the unlikely event that the actor survives to the end of the show's original episode order, he will be locked in a camera-monitored room with three prostitutes, a variety of loaded firearms, a 40-gallon garbage can full of crystal meth, and a Viagra-enhanced Andy Dick until footage for an acceptably tragic series finale is captured.

• VH1 casts blasts from the past [Variety]
• Complete Tom Sizemore Sex Tape/Court Appearance/Drug Abuse Coverage [Defamer]

This guy is fried. While struggling and desperate several years ago I was an extra on this shitty straight-to-video flick called No Rules and Sizemore was one of the two "big names" they brought in give the film some "weight" (literally and figuratively). He was only in one scene (a bare-knuckle brawls vs. a UFC monster who's name I can't recall), but in between every take he was screaming at all of us in the fake crowd:

"Hey [insert name of LA District Attorney here]: What'd you make today, asshole? I'm making close to a fuckin' mil. One day, dickhead. How can you convict me of hittin' that bitch with no evidence? Huh, asshole?!"

I kid you not, this went on in between every take, and continued well after the scene wrapped-Just a bloated and wasted Tom Sizemore ranting to a bunch of losers making $7/hour. I was shocked.

Oh, and the other "big name" in the picture?

Gary Busey.

It's a pretty revealing look into Sizemore's approach to craft, isn't it? Although we have to say that we're not that surprised that the actor would feel the need to tap into some pure, personal (and possibly meth-fueled) rage in order to match chops with an effortlessly unhinged genius like Gary Busey.

• Previously: Tom Sizemore Falls Off The Crystal Wagon [Defamer]

A judge on Thursday sentenced Tom Sizemore to three years probation after the actor tearfully admitted he used methamphetamine last month. [...]

The judge's sentence included a 90-day stay at a drug treatment program. Sizemore also must submit to weekly drug tests the entire probationary term, said court spokesman Allan Parachini.

Sizemore's probation was revoked in July after he admitted using a prosthetic device to fake a drug test and failing to be checked for drugs every three days. A judge reinstated probation in October after concluding Sizemore had begun to make "remarkable" progress in his battle with drugs.

Sizemore then tested positive for drugs Jan. 23.

Unlike fellow recovering meth-head Jodie Sweetin's intervention by the cast of Full House, Sizemore sadly does not have a support network of co-stars to rescue him from the sweet, tweaky clutches of the glassy-eyed monkey on his back. To think, all of this might have been avoided if only Vin Diesel, Adam Goldberg and Giovanni Ribisi (Tom Hanks is too big for this shit) had reunited for one final mission of heroic salvation Saving Tom Sizemore and rescued their former screen Sergeant from the evil, Nazi-like clutches of his chemical habit.

• Sizemore Gets Probation for Drug Use [AP]

Paris Hilton insists she didn’t do the deed with Tom Sizemore — despite what he says. [...]

According to Sizemore, he had a party at his house and after everyone else had left, he heard the repeated clicks of a cigarette lighter and followed the sound to his gym, where he saw Hilton, and suggested rather explicitly that the two should have sex.

“She knew what she could do to people,” says Sizemore, who claims that the next morning, Hilton climbed into a limo with the parting words, “Goin’ to Sundance. See you next week.” He makes no claims that they got together again.

Hilton says no such thing happened. “It’s disappointing that Mr. Sizemore has to use my name to sell his DVDs,” she told The Scoop in a statement issued through her spokesman. “He is not an acquaintance of mine nor have I ever had intimate relations with him.”

Truly, Sizemore has hit rock bottom—we never thought we'd see the day where we believe Paris Hilton when her publicist says she didn't have sex with someone.

• The Scoop: Paris Hilton denies tryst with Tom Sizemore [MSNBC]
• Previously: Tom Sizemore Sex Tapes Released, World Yawns [Defamer]

Despite rumors that the tape would feature model/actress Liz Hurley, none of the women featured are mainstream stars.Instead, the tape often features multiple women at once and an unrepentant Sizemore.

XPays co-owner Evan Horowitz said he expects a different reaction to the Sizemore footage than his company received to the Hilton tape.

“One can only hope [it turns out as well]. We don’t really think of it in terms of comparison – this is a novelty item,” he said.

Horowitz said the likely target audience for the tape is middle-aged women – not exactly the biggest demographic for porn surfers – but expressed no doubt that the tape will sell.

Perhaps the only thing sadder than aiding the release of your celebrity sex tape (Sizemore's getting a cut, so it seems that he's in on this) is having your desperate, videotaped acts referred to as a "novelty." And somehow we can't picture the gals from the target audience gathering around a big bowl of popcorn for a fun night of Sex and the City DVDs and Sizemore pathetically diddling porn stars and hookers. (Besides, wasn't that a Samantha subplot is Season 4?)

• Tom Sizemore Sex Tape: It’s Here, It’s Not Liz Hurley [AVN Online]
• NSFW: Tom Sizemore Sex Tape(s) [Fleshbot]
• Tom Sizemore Can Go All Night [Defamer]

Troubled actor Tom Sizemore is battling a rare medical condition that leaves him sexually insatiable. The Saving Private Ryan star was recently diagnosed with priapism, which doctors believe could have been caused by years of alcohol and drug abuse. Sizemore's manager says, "He can have sex nine times without stopping. His condition explains his sexual addiction. He's in the midst of a massive depression, but he's making tremendous progress." A Los Angeles based urologist confirms, "Priapism is an abnormal, persistent, and painful erection that won't go down in spite of orgasm, and can be caused by alcohol or drug abuse." Tucker claims Sizemore's addiction prompted the actor to rig video cameras up around his house, which for the past three years have documented his activities with a string of women he has lured back to his California pad. Three such tapes have been allegedly stolen and are expected to be released on the internet.

Perhaps our favorite part of this story (there are many, many to chose from) is the claim that Sizemore's addiction somehow caused him to ignore the crippling pain and anguish brought on by his permaboner and string up a series of hidden cameras. Apparently, nothing eases a priapic addict's agony better than beating off to images of himself screwing unsuspecting co-stars. Different strokes, and all that.

Also, credit must be granted for the manager's savvy plugging of Sizemore's staying power (nine times!), which should help move those "stolen" videos once they hit the market.

• Sizemore's Sex Addiction [WENN/IMDb]