1.) "Have you seen Latoya?" has never sounded so creepy, or incriminating.

2.) Paula Deen visited the Today show, refused to leave, spread her legs, and grabbed two fistfuls of her vagina. The clip is rather long, but worth every second.

3.) The Real Housewives of New Jersey appeared on The View on Friday. Jacqueline, who discussed her difficulty with fertility on the show this past week, is now pregnant, and due June 11.



Unfortunately my two faves, Danielle and Teresa were not present. Teresa, it turns out, is also with child.

4.) Are your kittens still alive?

5.) More traumatizing than dead kittens: Judge Judy has never been a feminist.



But the thing is, her definition of why she's not a feminist is actually very feminist. So, like Mormon people who baptize the dead, I will anoint Judge Judy as a feminist, and get on with my life already.

6.) Oh, and if you ever need to read her mind, just read the captions on Larry King Live.

7.) Technology is destroying families, and making fathers sad.

8.) George Hamilton gave Bridget a lesson on the cultural history of Miami. Then they bonded about tanning.

9.) Sometimes I feel exactly like this:

10.) UGH! Maya Angelou, don't give her any ideas!

How else to explain Cruise wandering into the shot two hours before his scheduled interview to unsettle Lauer and Meredith Vieira? As his offscreen underlings attempted to muster a "Great idea, Tom!", Cruise awkwardly interrupted the hosts' top-of-the-show news reading, prompting Vieira to ask him what he knew about Bush. The loaded question caused Cruise to flash back to an uncomfortable 1987 query from Mimi Rogers until Vieira helpfully added, "The President?" Later, Cruise would actually sit down for his Lauer tete-a-tete, a weirdly downbeat affair that saw Cruise virtually unable to complete a thought without a groggy digression. Glib? More like glub. Clip above.

• Today [NBC]

Today's hour provided so many awesome grumpy Kathie Lee moments, we were inspired to compile them into one misanthropic montage—edited by our video intern Daniel Caron. Within the span of one hour, she implies that the show is going to suck, complains about having to be PC about the holidays, suggests her husband is deaf, catches Cheyenne Jackson calling her a bitch, and makes a reference to "drying out" that suggests alcoholism or something much more gross. This is so awesome. We're firmly Team Kathie Lee. [Today]

• Today [NBC]

Cruise showed up to the roast, and they just hugged it out — literally!

A Photoshopped montage of fake Lauer/Cruise buddy pics followed their embrace. Cruise joked that he and Lauer actually speak 3-4 times a day, and that Lauer gave him some great advice: "Hey Top Gun — you think when people come on my show, they don't want to hear about dopy movies?"

In a hilarious tweak of Scientology, Cruise was cut off when Lauer's Today Show partner in crime Al Roker came on stage and joked that Cruise couldn't stay long because "the spaceship is about to leave soon."

Sadly, their weak sauce banter was no match for the acerbic Katie Couric lines that followed:

*"Wow, I haven't received as much applause since I told [my bosses at CBS] that I was considering leaving."

"How cool was it that Tom Cruise came? Matt, don't worry about that interview. Tom wanted to be the only man in the room who people thought was gay."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Katie, for a Suppressive Person, you sure can manage some zingers! Just don't be surprised when you get the obligatory letter from Bert Fields, and remember: you, too, can be kneecapped.

• Live from the Matt Lauer Friars Club Roast, Hosted by Goumba Johnny! [KTU]

“Every time that fourth hour comes on, I can literally feel my body temperature rising,” said Gina Maria Croci, a 47-year-old Las Vegas schoolteacher and “Today” show viewer, in a telephone interview. “The way she always talks over poor Hoda and the guests and is just constantly talking about herself.”

“I’m getting angry just talking about it,” she said.

...So far, Mrs. Gifford is the only TV personality who has compelled Leah Ackerman, a 33-year-old police officer trainee in Alameda, Calif., to set up a user group on Facebook.com. Although her group, “I Hate Kathy Lee Gifford,” has attracted only four members (“I just did it for me and my friends,” she said by phone), it is one of at least three groups on the site dedicated to denouncing Mrs. Gifford.

Leave it to the New York Times to interview the woman behind the least interesting Kathy Lee [sic] group on Facebook — why no quotes from Elena or Alaina from "Pagans Against Today Show Kathy Lee Gifford's Pagan Slander"? What does a Pagan have to do around here to get a Gray Lady interview and an apologetic My Name is Earl box set sent from NBC?

[Photo credit: AP]

• Forthright or Clueless? Kathie Lee Draws Fire [New York Times]

Many thanks to the alert reader who informed us that Factory Girl star and former Jude Law nanny-zapping victim Sienna Miller could be heard saying "fuck" on the Today show this morning in the brief interval between the video cutting out and the show going to a commercial, for we feel it's the responsibility of everyone with access to the YouTubes to share such special moments with the world. We're grateful that there are several panes of expletive-resistant glass between Today's visiting, potty-mouthed talent and the Rockefeller Center tourists who gather behind them in the hopes of getting some fleeting screen time, for we'd hate for their trips to the big city to be ruined by the shocking profanity being uttered by famous people whose internal censors have failed them.

• Previously: 'Prison Break' Star Introduces Regis And Kelly To The Wonders Of Teabagging [Defamer]

Madonna made a rare, live appearance on The Today Show this morning to promote her voice-over work in the U.S. release of Luc Besson's Arthur and the Invisibles. (Madonna: "I don't like getting up and talking to people this early." Meredith Vieira: "So then what possessed you?" Madonna: "Um, Harvey Weinstein.") She touched briefly upon the subject of OrphanGate, merely to assure the world that David Banda—whom she admits she probably chose because of his physical resemblance to herself—couldn't be happier. But it's her thoughts on the far more pressing and controversial topic of the Donald vs. Rosie feud that have been making headlines:

"I mean Rosie's a good friend of mine...I heard something about it when I was in the middle of the Indian Ocean. I sent her an e-mail, and I said to her is everything OK, what's going on. I needed to hear it from the horse's mouth. And basically, she's a stand-up comic and all stand-up comics talk about provocative things in their monologues before shows. I don't know exactly the content of what she said but I have a feeling that if every stand-up comic was penalized for saying politically incorrect things or provocative things they'd all be hung in the public square, so if people were giving Rosie a hard time, I wish they'd stop. I don't think it's fair."

Madonna savvily refrained from specifying The Comb-Over'd One by name, an act of aggression that would have immediately called for a retaliatory statement on Trump Organization letterhead, in which, deprived of his trustworthy fat jokes, he would resort to dismissing O'Donnell's longtime friend as a "third-rate, degenerate pop icon" who "hasn't really done anything truly groundbreaking since the 'Express Yourself' video, which I still happen to love, by the way, especially when she licks the milk out of the saucer."

• Madonna Defends Her Pal Rosie O'Donnell [ABCNews/AP]
• Madge & Meredith [Vimeo]