How'd they pass?

1. They stonewalled the photographer.
2. They playfully dignified the photographer.
3. They gave the photographer an incredible quote.
4. They gave the photographer an incredible scene of drunken jackassery.
5. They left the photographer in an Escalde with tinted windows.
6. They kept the interaction under two minutes.

These six elements are essential to a perfect TMZ interaction. The Jersey Shore kids are bona fide celebrities. This is no joke, folks.

Presenting 'Jersey Shore' Yutzes Up Hollywood, Dir. Harvey Levin.

[Ed. Since the TMZ embed isn't working—or Supernatural Forces of Snookie are just breaking everything in the universe everywhere, right now—you're just going to have to either (A) use your imagination or (B) actually go to their site to watch it. Apologies.]

00:16: Snookie getting punched is astutely rendered an "unfortunate incident" by Donatello—the one with the bowstaff—who smiles while he says this.

00:24: Snookie finds herself dealing with an unfortunate bout of SnookieNoodle, wherein both gravity and the rapture of the universe catch up to her, knock her over, and send her "noodling" to the ground.

00:35: The cast of Jersey Shore are asked by their intrepid, Tavis Smiley-esque TMZ interviewer to address the situation with UNICO.

00:36: "What's UNICO?" He was probably confusing them with ATTICA.

00:39: Snookie, who may or may not be aware of UNICO's work to further the cause of Italian-Americans (though, really, she's probably confusing them with UNIQLO) offers her nuanced political dissent for the group: "Fuck UNICO!"

00:41: The TMZ cameraman impressive attempts to spout off UNICO's credentials: "It's the largest Italian-Amer...." He decides to go another route.

00:45: He tries a different route: "What do you think of the whole defamation thing?" but gets stonewalled.

00:48: BroHugs.

00:50: The TMZ guy tries one more time: "Do you think the portrayal of you guys is true? A lot of people are upset about the whole thing..."

00:55: He speaks! "Ah, come on, man, everybody knows young people make mistakes and then learn from them." The Jersey Shore cast exhibits their deft media strategy: answering a totally different question that the one asked of them while castigating the interviewer for finding himself in a glib position of inquiry.

1:00: Now the TMZ interviewer is on a roll. "In regards to being a guido," his question begins. But...

1:05: ...they laugh! They're celebrities! People in LA now understand their genus/species! This is like when Cornelius and Zara land on Earth in Escape From The Planet of the Apes, except Cornelius was played by Roddy McDowell, who'd kill himself if he had to take this role. No, literally, kill himself.

1:08: The TMZ photog is desperate! He tries to communicate with them in their native language using the SOS sign for attention: "Yo! Bro! Do you got a Cadillac sign on your side?"

1:11: The response is, naturally, fantastic. Indeed he does. A tattoo is shown. An Escalade is climbed into. And just like that, new stars are birthed from the Universe in a supernova of awesomeness.

And although its easy to sneer at the tabloid/celeb press as an acceptable target for the wrath of anyone, the fact is they are the last thriving arm of media in California, and through their dark corridors may lie the path to media's salvation.

The first major salvo came with that news that the LA Country Sheriff's Department, as part of their investigation into leaks around Mel Gibson's drunk driving arrest, had obtained the phone records of TMZ kingpin Harvey Levin.

Fighting back, Levin declared of the news while speaking to an audience in LA, "It breaks federal law, it breaks state law. "This is like Chinatown. It's disgusting they would do something like this. How do you protect sources? It goes to the core of freedom of the press."

That little completely obscene invasion of privacy is but one front in the war, however. As reported last week here on Defamer, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has all but shackled the paparazzi by passing limiting the ability of paparazzi to stalk at will across the state. The new law outlaws photographing celebrities involved in "personal or familial activity."

Celebrity journalists — the last minority in America acceptable to persecute.

The LAPD placed two officers, Rebecca Reyes and Blanca Lopez, on leave in connection with their investigation into the leak, the AP reports; supposedly the officers in question met Levin at a gay/lesbian networking event, at least according to a report floated in TheMediaBuffet.com, which last winter was first to report that TMZ paid $62,500 for the police snapshot.

Lopez's attorney has issued a blanket denial that she had anything to do with the leak; Reyes' lawyer has, according to AP, said she "did nothing criminal or anything for financial gain" — a much more specific denial that leaves open that possibility that TMZ's money may have gone to a friend or relative, as anti-paparazzi advocates claim is common practice.

The question of Reyes and Lopez's guilt is beside the point as far as the effect on TMZ is concerned: It's going to be harder to get the cooperation of law enforcement sources if they think it is at all likely a witchhunt will put their steady government job and comfy, government-funded retirement at risk, leaving them in the cold during a recession. Maybe Levin should put these two on the TMZ payroll, as a counter-example to others. He could certainly afford it.

(Pic: Levin at a Laker's game in April. Getty.)

We caused an internet sensation yesterday after posting the video of Peniche romping naked with the Grey's Anatomy star and his former Noxzema girl wife, apparently in some sort of altered state. While Dane and Gayheart aren't talking (though their lawyer is!), Peniche hasn't shied away from the spotlight. TMZ has a video of her denying she had sex with the famous couple — they were just hanging out naked, y'all! — and saying the she was "just having fun with my friends." Oh, it looks like they're having fun, alright!

Also, when the cameraman asks if she's going to sue her former roommate and fellow Celebrity Rehab patient, Mindy McCready, she laughs it off. It's just another night out for Peniche! This impromptu interview contradicts an earlier story on the gossip website, which claims Peniche said that the footage was stolen off her laptop by McCready.

Kari Ann says she got into an argument with McCready over money and believes the singer took her hard drive when she moved out. Kari Ann freaked out about certain personal information about her on the hard drive and filed a stolen property report with the LAPD.

Last month there was a summit between Eric, Rebecca, Kari Ann and Mindy. Their reps hammered out a deal as to who got what on the hard drive. Eric got full rights to the video and everyone assumed that was that ... until the tape surfaced on the Internet yesterday.

So, where does Kari go from here? Her name will be in the press for a couple weeks until the heat from the tape wears off. Assuming that the LAPD doesn't nab her — though they're trying — there are only a few tried-and-true post-sex-tape career options. Rule out legit film or television work right off the bat. She's already done Playboy and a D-List reality show, so it's not like she can give those another go-round. Porn is always an option, but there is no coming back from that. Maybe a tell-all book, but that's only if she's willing to dish on celebrities and talk about her work as a Hollywood madam—but even then there will be no teary repentance on Oprah (maybe Tyra, but not Oprah).

Otherwise, she can get ready for a slow fade into obscurity as "the girl in the sex tape with Eric Dane and Noxema girl."

The aforementioned cease and desist letter was obtained by TMZ and claims that both books, Scott's published in 2006 and Meyer's in 2008, contain a post-wedding sex scene, a scene where the main character's wife dies and a scene about a woman carrying a demonic child with evil powers, all with similarities in dialogue. Coincidence? Obviously, Jordan Scott's people don't think so, but Meyer's people are calling shenanigans.

The claim that 'Breaking Dawn' by Stephenie Meyer somehow infringes on an alleged book by someone named Jordan Scott is completely without merit. Neither Stephenie Meyer nor her representatives had any knowledge of this writer or her supposed book prior to this claim.

The TMZ post has a link to a 15-page PDF letter detailing the alleged dialogue ripoffs. Having read through it, I'm unconvinced of any wrongdoing. You'd almost think that Scott thinks as though she's the only writer to ever include a wedding, a death and a sex scene in a novel, but go ahead and judge for yourself.

It's hard to be a member of the fourth estate when Mel Gibson is involved. A reporter from Life & Style magazine spotted Gibson his and soon-to-be-birther-friend at the Playhouse in Hollywood. The reporter tried to snap a picture. When Gibson's "security team" intervened the reporter sent in her buddy to pose as a camera wielding fan. No dice! The buddy tried several times to get a picture then Gibson allegedly ripped at the guy's T-shirt

The man with the perforated shirt filed battery charges against Gibson this morning. But TMZ reports that the cops think the victim's story is bullshit, "Gibson was wedged in a booth with his pregnant girlfriend and couldn't have grabbed the guy's shirt."

Not to get all judgey on behaviors of others here, but what was a recovering alcoholic like Gibson doing in a night club with a preggers girlfriend? Doesn't he know that's where trouble lurks? Hollywood nightclubs are filled with offensive, unsightly T-shirts that demand tearing. Didn't Gibson know that he would be tempted to strike? I mean, given the proliferation of bedazzled Ed Hardy tees, wouldn't any of us?

Think about it, you guys.

As the story goes: Heidi and Spencer got down there, and hated it, and quit the show. Twice.

So much of the story that ensues - the premise of the show, the extent of the Pratts' involvement, whether or not Heidi sustained any kind of injuries or sickness, the entire dimension in which it takes place! - could be or probably is utter and complete bullshit. Take, for example, a statement obtained by E! via one Mr. Paul Telegdy:

Last week, NBC exec Paul Telegdy said the "insincere, lazy, entitled" Pratts had to endure a stint in "isolation" before producers would decide the twosome's fate on Monday's show, vowing that the Pratts "really are going to bare their souls."

About this Telegdy fellow: he works under Ben Silverman at NBC, heading up reality programming. Our source explains that Telegdy was the one who recruited the Pratts for the show, capitalizing on their desire to transition from cable stars to network television properties. Telegdy - a British, former BBC exec, to paint the picture - had to fly down to Costa Rica himself to convince the Pratts to stay on the show after they realized that (1) the other celebrities sucked, (2) they'd actually have to do the stunts (eating bugs, etc) and (3) they wanted more money to do it. They walked off the set, and Telegdy came in and negotiated a higher salary for the Pratts to hang in there. They still weren't happy.

Meanwhile in LA, Ben Silverman has to cancel the season's first strategy meeting on Thursday with all the new showrunners, creative executives, and producers citing Telegdy's absence, creating a bit of a mess back at a somewhat troubled, fourth-place NBC.

You know what happens next: they're back on the show, and all of the sudden, Heidi gets "rushed" to the hospital last night. Spencer Pratt Twitters: "locked in a dark room for 3 days w no food or water."

TMZ notes that it was no more than ten hours, with food, and water. Furthermore, there were medics on the scene, the entire thing was filmed, they're full of shit.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.And just this evening: "Spencer and Heidi Pratt quit the show last Monday, and stayed in hotels for three days." Nice. This is presumably while Telegdy was negotiating their new salary. Also: "They were indoors at all times protected from the elements, even though other cast members have been sleeping outside in daily thunderstorms." Their kicker, however, is brilliant: "Spencer says it's all BS ... they were effectively tortured and he's planning on suing NBC."

So, what's the upshot of all this?

The publicity's a win-win: Speidi will take whatever attention they can get, if that hasn't been made obvious enough. NBC got their show publicized for free by a huge news cycle.

Telegdy will probably be seen as an absolute genius for making this work if the ratings for the show prove his worth. If they don't, he'll be to blame for the entire thing away, Pratt mess or no mess. His employers are only interested in numbers. Silverman's going to be judged on the same criteria as Telegdy. But the Pratts?

Who would want to work with them in Hollywood ever again? If this is all true: they took a set hostage, they fucked up meetings, timetables, production schedules, and tried to pin what sounds like absolute bullshit on their producers. In a just world, nobody. But they're probably going to get a feature in the next month or two, because that's the way this all works.

Really, the only losers in this thing are us. It's so hard to discern what's bullshit and what isn't in regards to reality show "stars" and their happenings, their product, and their image, that - rather than go through the complicated process of sifting out what's real and what isn't - it's easier to just accept all of this as an ultimate blurring of truth and fiction and get over our hangups in discerning the difference.

Maybe Heidi Pratt is sick, maybe she isn't. But the next time you read something about Heidi falling into a volcano on the set of Celebrity Bounty Hunter: Xtreme Edition, you'd probably just do best to ignore it, lest your head hurt any more than it does now.

The Post's report asserts that the actress, who is married to actor Liam Neeson, is being flown back to New York so her family can say goodbye before she's taken off of life support. TMZ claims that's bunk, that she is suffering from brain swelling but is not 'brain dead.' We like their version better.

As for that whole Time Out New York fiasco where they declared her dead, the ever sane and reasonable Perez Hilton is roaring mad at the publication. Because he's a paragon of journalistic ethics. Glass houses, stones, etc.

For our part we're glad that she is not, as earlier reported, deceased and that there may still be a positive, if unlikely, prognosis.

The release of the photo, taken in the course of a police investigation into Rihanna's alleged battering at the hands of boyfriend and fellow R&B star Chris Brown, set off a media-ethics firestorm and an internal LAPD investigation.

TMZ, like the National Enquirer, is known for engaging in checkbook journalism, a controversial practice where publications pay sources for information. Levin's site paid $165,000 for a tape of O.J. Simpson — a figure that TheMediaBuffet.com says was leaked by the same TMZ insider.

Let's be honest: The TMZ leaker is the only hero of this piece. The attack on Rihanna was horrific. But knowing the price of the leaked photo? In an age where everyone is demanding more and more transparency, the fact that we have arrived at a market price on Rihanna's tragic injuries tells us more than we may want to know about ourselves.

(Photoillustration via TheMediaBuffet.com)

Confirmed: The "split lip," facial contusions on both sides of the face and "serious" swelling and bruising reported by TMZ previously. Also, bad swelling around the right eye, as reported by E!.

Not proven or disproven: A black right eye, as reported by E!; these can take time to emerge. A bloody nose, as reported by TMZ. It's possible her nose stopped bleeding before the picture was taken; in fact this would seem logical police procedure.

In any case, Rihanna's fairly horrific condition in the photo would seem to confirm her reported claim that Brown struck her with his fists during a fight in a Lamborghini on the eve of the Grammys. The event was ugly enough in words; an image is likely to further destroy fellow R&B singer Brown's career.

(Interestingly, TMZ isn't saying where it got the photo. Best guess: It's a police shot provided to document the injuries, while fresh, for possible prosecution of Brown. The dark background and apparent heavy flash reflection off Rihanna's skin seem to suggest a picture taken in the field, i.e. on the street immediately after the incident.)

This occurred to us after a top lawyer at TMZ's owner sent out an all-caps email screaming about the online tabloid's exclusive rights to photos of Nadya Suleman's distended octuplet-carrying belly.

Until now, we hadn't run said pics. Uh, WTF? So we called up the nice folks at TMZ and asked them what was going on. They say a photo agency called Polaris Images had been selling the Octo-mom pictures, even though TMZ had an exclusive license.

The unconfirmed scuttlebutt is that Suleman's own publicist may have given the photo to Polaris. To what end? Generating more publicity for her widely hated client? The motive isn't clear (if that's even how it happened). Peter Bolioli, Polaris's general manager for news, did not return a phone call, but a TMZ representative said Polaris stopped selling the photo after the site's request.

What's even odder: TMZ generally doesn't charge money to license its pictures to other sites; it just asks for credit and a link, in exchange for the publicity. (We get emails from TMZ all the time promoting stories in this fashion.) So what you have here seems to be a lawyer sending out an ANGRY, ANGRY email to enforce TMZ's rights to give away photos. Don't you love the Internet?

NOTICE OF TMZ'S EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS TO NADYA SULEMAN'S PREGNANCY PHOTOS

THIS IS TO ADVISE YOU THAT TMZ IS THE COPYRIGHT OWNER OF TWO PHOTOGRAPHS OF NADYA SULEMAN (THE "PHOTOGRAPHS") ATTACHED HERETO AS EXHIBIT "A" THAT TMZ FEATURED ON ITS WEBSITE AT www.tmz.com/2009/02/12/octomom-it-was-a-very-goodyear. IT HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO OUR ATTENTION THAT A THIRD PARTY HAS BEEN WRONGFULLY DISTRIBUTING THE PHOTOS WITHOUT TMZ'S CONSENT.

ANY TELEVISION BROADCAST OR INTERNET USE OF THE PHOTOGRAPHS RECEIVED FROM PARTIES OTHER THAN TMZ WILL BE CONSIDERED AN INFRINGEMENT AND VIOLATION OF TMZ'S VALUABLE EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS AND WILL EXPOSE THE INFRINGER TO SUBSTANTIAL MONETARY DAMAGES.

WITHOUT TMZ'S LICENSE OR PERMISSION, YOU DO NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO USE ANY PORTIONS OF THE PHOTOGRAPHS ON TELEVISION, IN ANY PRINT MEDIA, ON THE INTERNET, OR OTHER ONLINE SERVICE OR INTERACTIVE MULTIMEDIA TRANSMISSION, OR IN ANY OTHER MEDIUM.

________________________________

David J. Decker
EVP, Business & Legal Affairs
Telepictures Productions Inc.

(Exclusive photo exclusively via TMZ.com, exclusively)

In a grippingly dramatic report headlined "Ambulance Not Called to Brad Pitt's House," a rep for the actor confirmed that not only are he and his family healthy, but that an emergency vehicle arriving in Pitt's neighborhood on Thursday was actually summoned by a neighbor. The paramedics took away an unconscious 100-year-old man, and Brad, as TMZ takes pains to note, only celebrated his
45th birthday yesterday.

There is an uncanny Benjamin Button analogue in here somewhere, but just to recap, preferably with newsy Morse Code sound effects underneath: Brad Pitt did not call an ambulance, did not leave his house in an ambulance, and is not 100 years old. This concludes this test of the Emergency Broadcast System.

• Ambulance Not Called to Brad Pitt's House [TMZ]

Boomp3.com

Enjoying a causal stroll in New York City, megastar Charlize Theron stopped mid-stride and asked another New Yorker if there was something in her hair. The New Yorker didn’t want to get too close because, in his words, “I don’t want my wife to see us on TMZ and start to think we’re getting a divorce. I’m kidding.” Theron asked if he could take a more thorough look at her hair, because she walked under a tree and perhaps a rogue spider left the tree to make a nest. Standing on his tippy toes, the New Yorker looked through the Oscar-winner’s hair one last time and told her she was good.

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Apparently unconcerned with the prospects of inconveniencing his lunching companions at Orso, The Day The Earth Stood Still star Keanu Reeves took a phone call when the waiter was about to take everyone's order. Reeves told his friend on the other line that he was free to talk and talked for a couple of minutes in a fairly calm voice. One of his tablemates rolled their eyes as Reeves carried on his conversation, then whispered to the rest of the table, "I don't really mind him talking. I just wish it was something interesting, you know? So, I could have something to send into a cool blog or TMZ. You know, I want to be the cool person on the internet for a change." At which point one of the other leaned across the table, grabbed their hands and whispered, "One day, you will. Just not today. Now, could you please pass the olive oil?"

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

1. Hey dumb asses at TMZ: It's "Colombian" not "Columbian." Sheesh. Where did you guys go to school?
Posted at 5:50PM on Aug 5th 2008 by Colombian

4. OMG HE IS A HOTTIE, I"VE ALWAYS HAD A MEAN CRUAH ON HIM!!! NOT PABLO, JUSTIN BUT I WOULDNT HAD MIND DATING PABLO IF HE WAS STILL ALIVE>>>$$$
Posted at 6:09PM on Aug 5th 2008 by me

5. He is not the eldest you dumb booty. the eldest was neil patrick harris he was just never home so before you post something that you think you are sure of, make sure to do some research mike!!!!!
Posted at 6:10PM on Aug 5th 2008 by me

8. Me, you need to do your own research. It isn't Neil Patrick Harris that was the oldest, it was Christopher Masterson.
Posted at 6:58PM on Aug 5th 2008 by someone

Of course, commenter someone is right: The eldest son was played by Christopher Masterson—the lesser-annoying sibling of bemuttonchopped man-about-town Danny Masterson—which would make Berfield the second-eldest, not eldest, Malcolm in the Middle child. And as much as we can sympathize with commenter me's admission that they wouldn't mind getting busy with the ruthless drug overlord (>>>$$$), we only wish that the various members of TMZ's volunteer research department didn't feel the need to diminish each other's fine work with demeaning aspersions like "dumb booty." After all—the only dumb booty is the one you don't ask.

• "Malcolm" Kid in Middle Over "Escobar" Flick [TMZ]

On a post this morning about Martin Luther King of all people, TMZ claimed an "Exclusive" (though, once they poached the documents, they changed it simply to "Breaking News"):

Note the time stamp. And then look at the post time on this story, with documents, from CN. It's almost a full three hours earlier:

If you look, you find examples like this over and over again. In fact it just happened again while I was writing this! (As our tipster ominously said it would...)

I mean, look, stealing things from other websites is nothing new. It happens allll the time. But this is just embarrassingly egregious. Putting the watermark on the public documents is really the kicker. We'd wager a guess that the TMZers aren't really doing the, you know, reporting of getting those on their own. I mean, they're not exactly The Smoking Gun.

Keep on rockin', Harvey.

boomp3.com



Melrose Place star Heather Locklear was flashing and making all sorts of hand gestures as she left STK steak house on Friday night. Locklear explained that hand gestures or, as she described it, "reppin' her set", was a part of the initiation process for a club in Malibu. Locklear said, "I have to get on like TMZ making the hand gesture for our little club and then I get to be a member. It's a pretty cool crew. It's a lot of wives from Malibu. We go to Talbots and have dinner at Nobu every couple of weeks and we offer each other's kids protection or give them rides home if one mom can't fill in. To be honest, I mostly joined for the protection. Malibu can be a scary stretch of scenic beauty without somebody watching your back."

[Photo Credit: X17]

boomp3.com


Popular actress Reese Witherspoon attempted to hide the backside of her sweatpants as if she was a sorority girl who got a regrettable lower back tattoo during spring break. At first, Witherspoon thought the photographers were attempting to get a photo of her ring finger, but then the cat calls came regarding the back of her pants. Photographers were shouting things like, "I like them Eri pants," "How come it don't say 'Jake' right there, Reese? I bet he'd like that!" which was quickly followed by rounds of laughter and high fives. Witherspoon told the hooters and hollerers that she just threw these on and would've gone with some tights, but she didn't feel like being torn apart by the spiky haired guy on TMZ the following day.

[Photo Credit: Flynet]