Tequila had a lot to say after this weekend's attack, especially about Merriman and his attorney's allegations that she was drunk at the time and that they were trying to prevent a DUI, to which she tweeted that she was allergic to the hooch and, therefore, could not have been inebriated. We would link to said tweet, but the page doesn't exist. Nor do her other personal musings on the matter.

Apparently Tequila realized she needed more sophisticated help and has hired a lawyer. Never fear, because he's furthering her earlier assertions and, because he and his client are immune to "black pot" politics, calls Merriman's efforts "spin:"

Shawne Merriman and his advisors have decided that the best defense is a good offense, attacking Tila Tequila in the press with a lot of calculated spin to cover up his illegal and indefensible actions.
...
Once the truth is fully revealed, Mr. Merriman's fantastic story of how he was trying to keep Ms. Tequila safe will be completely discredited.

No one, especially a woman, should ever have to endure what Mr. Merriman did to Tila Tequila.

That is definitely true. It's also true that — and we say this knowing some may be upset — Tequila, who made a name for herself first on MySpace and then on a bisexually charged reality show, will have an uphill battle making a good name for herself.

We can't say what happened between her and Merriman, but we can say that the public, though sympathetic to victims of domestic violence, doesn't have the best track record of siding with people in her position. This is a good, rational start, though, and we hope the truth prevails — and not on Twitter.

Tequila obviously feels the need to defend herself from Merriman, who, through his lawyer, released a statement claiming he was trying to stop a booze-saturated Tequila from driving drunk:

At the time, I was concerned about her welfare given the intoxicated state she appeared to be in and I encouraged her to stay until safe transportation could be provided. We would all do our best to help a friend if we considered their actions to be detrimental to their personal safety.

See? That's how you do it: you create shadows of doubt by making yourself look like the do-gooder maligned by a drunken terror. Tequila should take note, for her brand of mudslinging is coming off a bit, well, unhinged.

Taking on Merriman's claims that she was drunk at the time of the incident, Tequila tweeted:

I am allergic to alcohol. It has been publicly known for years. That is how I got the name Tila 'Tequila' cuz the irony. I can't drink.

As happens in the high-speed age of technology, it wasn't long until that story was called into question, what with the owner of the nightclub where it went down described Tequila as "visibly intoxicated."

But no matter, because Tequila's not only defending herself: she's totally going on the offensive against Merriman, and posted this vague, possibly defamatory message: "Steroid use makes people act aggressive....known fact." She also linked to an article on the subject.

Honestly, Ms. Tequila, you need to learn when to step back from the keyboard and let someone else do the talking. You're not exactly the most respected woman in the news, so if you want to garner public favor, you should exercise some restraint. But what do we know? We've never had a reality show.

But her recent detention in Vegas after a drunken, assaultive visit to Caesar's Palace is what really compelled our consideration here: Who is this Hebrew hellcat, anyway? After the jump, learn everything worth knowing about Semel's climb to sort-of fame.

I. KNOW YOUR SEMELS

Courtenay, 28, is one of three daughters born to billionaire ex-Warner Bros/Yahoo! chief Terry Semel and Jane Bovingdon Semel, a former secretary to Susan George. She attended the Loomis Chaffee School in Windsor, Conn., before abandoning education for... we don't know. This is a historical gap we have yet to fill in; suggestions are welcome.

Regardless, she's clearly been doing some philosophizing over the decades, culminating in the powerful declaration of principles held forth below:

II. KNOW HER CANON

Courtenay got her start in 1991, portraying the crucial role of "Bratty Kid" in the Bruce Willis flop Hudson Hawk. Her 2000 follow-up — the never-released indie thriller Sweetie Pie — is best known for a cast also including Paris Hilton, Whitestarr vocalist Cisco Adler and the offspring of Dustin Hoffman and Kelsey Grammer.

Her "break" (and all of ours, really, if we're being honest) came when she was cast alongside childhood friend Kourtney Kardashian, George Foreman III, Fabian Basabe, Brittny Gastineau, Shanna Ferrigno and other nepotism all-stars on the 2005 E! series Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive. The show featured Courtenay and Co. skipping the boilerplate South Beach coke getaways for a bit of reality-TV ranch-handery. Sadly, due in part to reasons listed below, it was not renewed for a second season.

III. KNOW HER ACCOLADES

Courtenay's otherworldly bitchy contribution to FR:CD was roundly commended by critics who cited her distinctive look ("like an overfed mutant chipmunk") and her performance as a "brattier, PMS’ing version of Haley Joel Osmond [sic]" — outmaneuvering even Basabe as the worst human being the show had to offer. Word is her father was happy with the performance in Hudson Hawk as well, but as of press time he has not responded to Defamer's requests for official comment.

IV. KNOW HER STYLE

Spoiled lipstick-lesbian chic, at once aggressively designed and thoroughly disposable — all spangles, trash, heels and hair.

V. KNOW HER LOVE LIFE

This is where it gets complicated. Courtenay has been very publicly attached to no fewer than three young women of varying celebrity since 2007, starting somewhat retroactively last winter with Lindsay Lohan. "Everyone thinks Samantha [Ronson] is Lindsay’s first lesbian love, but we were very passionate until her fear of being found out drove us apart," she was quoted as saying. "At the time she was terrified her career would be over if she revealed her sexual tendencies. But then Samantha came on to the scene and I was dropped.” That triangle was fleshed out a little more this week by our cousins at Gawker, who noted that Courtenay and Ronson both visited LiLo separately during her rehab residency.

Next came Johnson and Johnson heiress Casey Johnson, who made the gossip rounds last month after a canoodling binge with Courtney. Enter Tila Tequila, who showed up maybe a week ago? A couple weeks ago? Anyway, now they've found true love, as evidenced by the scorching red-carpet chemistry below:

Surely she must also have been some poor bastard's beard somewhere along the way; as always, your tips are welcome!

VI. KNOW HER EMPIRE

You mean besides her father's 10-figure net worth, divided four ways sometime in the next 15 to 20 years? Not so much. We guess she can always lobby for a Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive — The Complete Series DVD Box Set, even though Basabe probably has a 75/25 split written into his deal. He thinks of everything.

VII. KNOW YOUR FUN FACTS

· Has been a Kardashian family BFF since the age of 2.

· Intimate public displays of affection with Tila Tequila range from kissing to spoon-feeding ice cream in VIP areas.

· Reportedly drove off from this year's VH1 Rock Honors with Casey Johnson in a $160,000 Mercedes that wasn't theirs. They returned it a few minutes later.

Did we miss something? Chime in below — we're nothing without you.

[Photo Credits: Getty Images]

In today's installment: Francis Ford Coppola and Pauly Shore (duh!), Tom Hanks, Bob Newhart, Warren Beatty, Woody Allen, Katherine Heigl, The Jonas Brothers, Forrest Whitaker, David Spade, Michael Cera, Johnny Knoxville, Rita Wilson, Jason Schwartzman, Rose McGowan, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, Bobby Trendy, Joshua Kelley, Kevin Farley, Tila Tequila, Robin Antin, Charlyne Yi and more.

MONDAY, JULY 28
· Very few people impress and awe me as I have lived here most of my life and work at a place where I see amazing people every day. However, Monday while I was trekking up Westwood Blvd to hit Un-whole Foods for lunch when my jaw dropped. Coming out of Rite Aid was none other than BOB NEWHART. It was such a total shock. He is a national treasure. He should be escorted around in a popemobile or something that fits his stature, not hobnobbing with mere mortals. Then, the next days, I was having an apres earthquake lunch with a friend at The Stand and, what do you think, she tells me that she just saw Bob at the CVS south of Wilshire! He seems to be making the rounds. Gotta love him!

TUESDAY, JULY 29
· FORREST WHITAKER indulging some fans outside ONE Sunset. Not as big as I thought he'd be.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 30
· I spotted JASON SCHWARTZMAN in the Staples on Sunset. He wasn’t holding any office supplies, but he did look like a man on a mission. Very handsome, although much smaller than I would have expected.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 1
· I was celebrating another lamb to slaughter (aka bachelorette) party on Friday night at the busted "club" Tao in Vegas that's in the Venetian/shopping mall. Our table and both area ended up being a thoroughfare for ho's who wanted to hop on a near-by platform type area that faced the DJ booth blaring out a medley of top 40 thru the years. FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA was sitting on the other side of our booth —just sitting— fat, old and alone and no one seemed to pay him much mind. I was still contemplating the surreal aspect of his presence and wondering why the fuck he would be wasting his time in such a lame place when I almost got knocked over by PAULY SHORE. I assumed he was in a crazed rush to get to FFC, imagining this as his moment to get on cinematic top due to a magical chance meeting with a great director at a club in a mall. I positioned myself to get a full view of their sure to be awkward exchange. It took PS about 10 minutes to get up the nerve to bumrush FFC and it was over quick. It soon became clear that the real story of the night was PS's apparent need to commute to Vegas for club pussy. He sat on the platform for hours grabbing and pawing at any tallish, blonde-ish Forever 21 dress model that danced within his grasp. I saw only one of them give him the hands-off, the rest all reacted quite favorably. It was truly incredible. I can only assume that Paulyy takes the LV tourism ads to heart. Perhaps rejected and dejected outside an LA club one night- a light went on..." Not only will I probably be able to get into clubs there -If everything that happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas..then surely some drunk, vacationing skanks will hit it with me!"
· Seinfeld's LARRY "THE SOUP NAZI" THOMAS having breakfast at Aroma Cafe in Studio City.
· WARREN BEATTY with two young girls (daughters?) and a blond
woman at Humprey Yogart in Sherman Oaks.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 2
· Saw RITA WILSON and TOM HANKS at the Century City Mall with, I think, their youngest son, walking by the Apple store. I recognized Rita first and wouldn't have known it was Tom until I heard him laugh. They looked like a nice, happy family. One of the more normal spottings I've had in this damn city.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 3
· As I was sauntering down the alley behind Fiesta Cantina on my way to one of the WeHo bars that looks like a W hotel, I came upon BOBBY TRENDY with two (real) girls giving advice to some 'roided out queen in a Mercedes convertible. They were assuring said queen that his outfit looked good. Note to 'roided out queen: do not take sartorial advice from fucking Bobby Trendy. He basically agreed you looked good in bleached, capris lengthed overalls (!) with a thin black belt and white espadrilles.
· I spotted the Skanksis of Evil: Piggez Hilton, ROBIN ANTIN of Pussycat Dolls 'fame' and gay rights pioneer, TILA TEQUILA at 11. Piggez was basking in the lamelight of the other two and wouldn't be surprised if he called the paps himself. Not all the cheap beer prices in the 'Ho could destroy those images. And don't you think i didn't try.
· Had multiple celeb sightings at the Dolly Parton concert at the Greek theatre Sunday night. First, saw KATHERINE HEIGL with hubby JOSHUA (who is surprisingly hot in person). JUSTIN CHAMBERS was with them as well. Katherine was wearing glasses, sun dress, looked nice. Waited in line for the bathroom like a normal person. Right after I saw them, a strikingly pale and plasticky looking chick walked by in a yellow dress...turns out it was ROSE MCGOWAN. She was with some dude who wasn't Robert Rodriguez...guess they really broke up, or he's not a Dolly fan. Finally, walking out I nearly bumped into JOHNNY KNOXVILLE, tall and haggard looking, which I guess is the result of beating the crap out of yourself for a living.
· Went to the amazing Dolly Parton show on August 3rd. Spotted a grey-haired JOHNNY KNOXVILLE (with daughter in tow?) and MR. AND MRS. KATHERINE HEIGL Hate to break it to you, but when a fan or two approached her, she seemed smiley and rather gracious. Or maybe I had too much wine.

MONDAY, AUGUST 4
· MICHAEL CERA and CHARLYNE YI having a late lunch at Mustardseed, just now. They were with two other guys I couldn't identify by the backs of their heads. I recognized Charlyne Yi first and then noticed the beloved George Michael whose hair was cropped super short, rendering him naturally incognito.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 5
· Saw those cute Menudo boys [Ed. Note - I'm assuming she means THE JONAS BROTHERS, because surely the members of Menudo can no longer be considered "cute", right?] being rushed to their Delta flight yesterday morn. Security had to grab them as so many little teen girls were hounding them. Gotta luv those boy bands!
· ASHLEE SIMPSON and PETE WENTZ at the Hush Sound show at El Rey Theatre. They chilled in the band's private booth upstairs with all Pete's friends.
· I spotted WOODY ALLEN outside the Los Angeles Shakespeare Theater offices downtown talking to comedian BRENTLY HEILBRON. Is it for this?

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 6
· DAVID SPADE (in mesh baseball cap & jacket... in August?) with KEVIN FARLEY at the Steve Miller show Wednesday at the Nokia. Not in the "pit", but close and either playing air guitar or making fun of the folks around them ... which was weird because they were there and clearly fans. (I got free tickets and figured what the hell, but I have to say Steve Miller is rock solid and clearly loved by his fans.)

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Denigrating a woman's looks for not being stereotypically "feminine"
The Evidence: "Can't she get that fixed??? Rumer Willis, aspiring "actress", attended the 2008 Crystal Lucy Women in Film Awards in Los Angeles on Tuesday night. Seriously, isn't there surgery where you can shave down your jaw??? We're sure some trannys have gotten it done to make themselves look more "feminine." Plastic surgery is not always a bad thing. Rumer should look into it! And, while she's there, she might wanna get her nose done too!" What did Rumer Willis ever do to Perez? She is a constant target for him — he takes every possible opportunity to criticize her for no reason. His continued denigration of alternative sexuality (last week: dissing Samantha Ronson, this week, implying Rumer Willis is a "tranny") make his gay-rights advocacy totally suspect. Apparently he only wants respect and rights for himself not for the actual community.
The Punishment: A kick in the nards from Rumer's dad, Bruce. He looks like he does not suffer fools gladly.

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Equating bisexuality/stripping with prostitution.
The Evidence:"Here’s Tila Tequila rockin’ a tight purple dress like it was my birthday outside Mr. Chow’s restaurant. Now people are saying that Tila isn’t bisexual and making a big deal about it. But let me tell you something, every girl I’ve ever met who was willing to take their clothes off for money was also willing to dyke out for money too. So enough with this nonsense that she’s a fake. Girl is open for business." I'm no fan of Ms. Tequila's but the assumption that she is gay for pay is just tasteless.
The Punishment: Having to watch 72 straight hours of Ms. Tequila's A Shot of Love, Clockwork Orange-style, with eyes forced open the entire time.

The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Felony body snarking
The Evidence: "Top fitness experts recommend hot dogs for breakfast, and it must be the key to how Hilary Duff has shed her unwanted sexiness for a more lumpy and waddling figure. As you can see here when she met her mom for breakfast at Papoos hot dog stand in Toluca Lake yesterday. Damn. This chick used to be so cute. Now she looks like she’s halfway through a sex change. " Ugh. Hilary Duff, like every other goddamn woman, has weight fluctuations. So effing what. She is still adorable and you can fuck off.
The Punishment: Must live on hot dogs and hot dogs alone for 3 weeks.

The Accused: Yeeah
The Crime: misdemeanor body snarking
The Evidence: "Real girls eat meat. And — from the looks of Jessica Simpson here — also donuts and Hershey bars and double-potato fritattas. Saddle on up, fatty!" Sigh. See what we said about Hilary Duff. Also: fuck off.
The Punishment: Jessica Simpson's cowboy boot inserted directly in anus.

The Accused: Our old pal, Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Raging homophobia, sexism, racism, probably a bunch of -isms that haven't been invented yet.
The Evidence: A reader recently reached out and told me that they wanted some Matthew McConaughey news, I didn’t really know why but assumed it was because the reader was a poofter and into dudes and wanted some pics to get of to because he thought McConaughey had a rockin’ bod or some shit, so I told the motherfucker that I don’t want no faggots ’round here and tied him to the back of a pick-up truck like he was a black dude from the south and drove for 18 miles. I am just kidding, I only went 10 miles, but dude won’t be asking me for no faggot pictures anymore…[H]ere is Matthew McConaughey wasted and having an amazing time in Central America doing what I do best without the obesity, anger, puke covered shirt or fingers inside an unsuspecting passed out whore. All while leaving his pregnant maid back at home because you can’t give her preferential treatment just for letting you plant seed in her, the other maids will revolt and then no one would be there to cook dinner, clean the Air Stream or do the laundry…" Look, we understand that the Drunken Stepfather says outrageous things on purpose in order to rile people up. But it's unfunny, it's tired, and it's mostly just sad. Putting on an over-the-top racist persona in order to get attention is actually fucking pathetic.
The Punishment: Being miniaturized and having to hang out in Matthew's reportedly unwashed armpit for all eternity.

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

• WATCH VIDEO

First, we have SearchWithTilaTequila.com, described as "a fan-oriented search engine that rewards her fans with very exclusive, limited edition Tila merchandise and prizes." Sure, you might find at first that the Shot At Love star's search client isn't quite as robust as the one you use already: Nine out of ten searches, after all, bring you to the Fox's U-Bet fetishist's MySpace page. Still, if you're looking for the best fake-bisexual-endorsed celebrity search engine currently on the internet, this is probably in the top five or six.

A first look at Variety's new virtual community for Hollywood's unemployeds is after the jump!

The Biz, meanwhile, is a bold new social networking experiment from your friends at Variety: Think Second Life married with the screenwriter-heavy Starbucks at Santa Monica and Bundy. Besides offering helpful dictionary-quality definitions to must-know industry buzzwords like "connect," "careers," and "community," the homepage also offers this enticing promotional copy:

Are you from The Biz? Want to be in The Biz? Or, just love The Biz? Then you need to get in THE BIZ. Simply set up your personal profile and connect with others in the entertainment industry.

What strikes us about that—beyond the fact that if you say the words "The Biz" repeatedly, they quickly lose all sense of meaning and start sounding really weird—is that short of the UTA joblist and the Defamer Job Board (do we still do that? No? OK, then! Moving along), just how badly our community was in need of such a service—if for nothing more than facilitating meet n' greets between industry vets like user XMN3VISNARY, and the legions of aspiring starlets and D-cup-girls hoping to get a foothold into an extremely insular business.

• SearchWithTilaTequila.prodege.com
• thebiz.variety.com

The cabler will produce 10 new episodes of "Shot at Love," with the segs slated to premiere in the spring. Format will once again have straight men and lesbians vying for the heart of Tila Tequila.

Original "Shot" wrapped its first season with a 5.9 rating among viewers 12-34, making it MTV's highest-rated series in the demo since August 2005. In total viewers, finale drew more than 6 million sets of eyeballs, making it the most-watched series on the network since November 2002.

While the news is good for fans of the first season, we're becoming mildly concerned that if Shot at Love 2 fails to turn up a life-partner for Tequila, that she could be suffering from a Brad Womackian Narcissus Complex, leaving her incapable of fake-loving any of the extremely suitable candidates hand-selected by reality TV casting professionals. We pray this is not the case, as the ironies of a woman with approximately 475 million MySpace friends dying alone and miserable are almost too much for us to bear.

• MTV gives Tila Tequila another shot [Variety via Reality Blurred]

We can think of no better test of the candidates' blind commitment to whatever surprises the sexually adventurous social networking pixie might throw at them down the line, helping Tila to weed the squeamish vanilla-types out from those who will non-judgmentally embrace her occasional glasstop-coffee-table shenanigans.

• A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila [MTV]

In tomorrow's episode, a grotto-side altercation erupts between two male suitors—Marcus, the model from New Orleans who apparently has spent a lifetime perfecting his approximation of Chris Tucker's speech patterns, and Ashley, a high school guidance counselor and "cowboy at heart," who, we imagine, from here on in will find it hard to respond to troubled students who shoot back, "Why should I take college admissions advice from a guy who rolled around with a half-naked dude on national television for the heart of MySpace's #1 famewhore?"

• A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila [MTV]

A bisexual dating show featuring a woman who gained fame on MySpace is in the works for MTV.

"A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila," in which 16 men and 16 women will compete for Tequila's affections, is set to debut Oct. 9 on the cable channel, Television Week reported Thursday.

"Tila Tequila made a name for herself by doing things her way, captivating legions of fans online, both men and women," said MTV executive Tony DiSanto. "Now she is taking that attitude and sex appeal to her own TV series where she is looking for a mate ... by again, captivating a group of both men and women."

This isn't the first time MTV has explored bisexuality on their reality programming—Real World Las Vegas contestant Trishelle's vodka-fueled sexploits certainly never discriminated on the basis of reproductive organ assignment—but it's the first time the network has intentionally marketed a program as such. If it truly is an authentically "bisexual" competition, however, producers will inevitably wind up disappointed—when their 16 male suitors end up blowing off Tila's specially planned one-on-one helicopter dates to pair off with each other and experiment a bit more with their penis-loving sides.

• MTV to air bisexual dating show [LAT/AP]