OK!
Did a double issue last week so the editors could spend the holidays rereading the Twilight books, or ahem, doing some "reporting" on Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson.
Grade: Excused for religious holiday (Keeping the "Christ" in Christmas.)

Us
"Elin's Revenge"
Everyone at Us must have had visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads all week because the only new information in this story about Elin Nordegren divorcing Tiger Woods is this dud of a quote from her twin sister Josefin Nordegren: "It's been difficult because it's not something we can deal with in private... But we are doing our best." Snore. In other news, Angelina Jolie gave Jennifer Aniston a break this week and agreed to be the one who's "so lonely." Angie's sad because she has no mommy friends, but for some reason the source phrased that as "Angelina is hungry for normal moms to be around," which makes it sound like she's a mom-brain craving zombie. In "Better Without Makeup?" (image 6), we learn that 66 percent of Us readers think Lady Gaga is beautiful just the way she is. The same can not be said for Kim Kardashian. Finally, Us calls out the other tabloids for their bogus covers in "Fake News of the Year" (image 7). Too bad we already beat them to it.
Grade: F (All he wants for Christmas is his mistress.)

Life & Style
"Tiger And Elin Fight For The Kids"
This story retells Tiger Woods saga from the point of view of his two kids, Sam, 2, and Charlie, 10 months. The mag writes: "Sam and Charlie may be too young to grasp that at least 14 different women have now accused their father of cheating on their mother..." Lately Charlie's been pretty preoccupied with spitting up on himself and watching Backyardigans, so we can't argue with you there Life & Style. Ivana Trump, who has absolutely nothing to do with the Tiger Woods, tells the mag Elin Nordegren should be thankful that the kids are too young to read or watch scandal coverage. As for Elin, she's determined to divorce Tiger, even though Kultida Woods begged her not to. An insider explains, "Tiger's mom is from the old school, where women didn't leave their husbands over indiscretions and didn't take their children from their home... She tried to speak to Elin about keeping the family together, but Elin wasn't receptive at all." So Elin didn't want to turn a blind eye like a good '50s housewife? Shocking. Next: Us Weekly reported that Mickey Rourke is marrying Elena Kuletskaya in April, but they're not even dating. Were you aware that stars are just like us? Diddy is inappropriately obsessed with Jersey Shore too! He says, "I grew up with Italians when I went to school in the Bronx, so I've always been connected to Guidos. I'm saying the word in a positive sense. They're just cool and family-oriented and hilarious!" Be advised: Brad Pitt has gone 233 days without shaving (image 8). In closing, it seems Dr. Mehmet Oz knows the effect spending the holiday with the fam has on us, so he's shared this servicey little guide to curing holiday hangovers: (Image 9).
Grade: D- (Losing the deed to your platinum mine.)

In Touch
"REVENGE PREGNANCY"
For the 8,000th time this year, Angelina got pregnant to trap Brad in their loveless union. She has a "telltale bump" [of fabric] and sources say she's three months pregnant. This is putting a damper on Brad's plans to leave Angie for Jennifer Aniston. They've been hooking up secretly, yet the mag still figured out the exact time and location of their last rendez-vous: December 9 at 3:30pm on a secluded trail off of Western Canyon Road in Beverly Hills. Jen told a friend it was "like their relationship had never ended," but someone from In Touch writes: "She wouldn't reveal whether she and Brad had a romantic encounter," which is apparently how the mag is referring to sex now. Meanwhile, Angie "will do anything to keep Brad around — and that includes planning a huge celebration for Zahara's 5th birthday on January 8, knowing that he would have to attend." Why else would a mother plan a birthday party for her 5-year-old daughter? Also plotting against her man: Britney Spears. She wants Jason Trawick to propose to her for real, not just on the cover of numerous tabloids, so she's been wearing five wedding rings to give him the hint (image 10). In strangely plausible news, In Touch claims that Tiger Woods is still hooking up his mistress Rachel Uchitel (she was on the receiving end of the most romantic of Tiger's dirty texts.) Rachel recently left her New York apartment and headed to Florida. She says she's spending the holidays with relatives, but she's been spotted out and about in the Florida town where Tiger's yacht is docked. A friend says, "They have been sleeping together the entire time since the scandal broke." Check out "Before They Were Famous," a.k.a. stars' original noses (image 11). Also, this may shock you, but Lady Gaga wasn't born wearing a see-through lace body-stocking (image 12). Next: A-Rod has been purposely playing the victim in the press since his breakup with Kate Hudson, and he made sure he was photographed looking glum on the night of the New York premiere of Nine. "His behavior really calls into question how authentic he was in the relationship to begin with," says clinical psychologist Dr. Seth Meyers. Really?! In "Weight Winners and Losers of the Year," we learn that Kelly Clarkson is a "loser" because she's gained weight and "seems more comfortable in her skin now than she was during her midriff-baring days on American Idol." We'll shame you yet, Kelly!
Grade: D (Thinking of all the fellas that you haven't kissed.)

Star
"Stars Without Makeup!"
This is just 10 pages of pre-holiday filler. Without makeup Jessica Simpson "looks like a completely different person," Jennifer Garner "looks like she's neglecting herself," and Kate Gosselin has the "look of exhaustion" all over her face (image 13). We preferred Us's gallery of humiliation, which was presented in one spread without catty commentary. Moving on: Jude Law and Sienna Miller had a pregnancy scare. Jude is such a gentlemen that he allowed Sienna to pee on a stick in his home, but it was a false alarm. A source claims there is a baby on the way for Bruce Willis and his wife Emma Heming. Bruce's rep said he's not aware of a pregnancy, but didn't exactly deny it. FYI: Don't view image 14 if you're eating. Hailey Glassman is dating Celebrity Boxing Federation promoter Damon Feldman, who says, "She's been very friendly. She's very classy." The phrase "Hailey get your pants on!" comes to mind. Obvious Blind item: Which closeted male celeb drew the suspicions of his A-list costar when he was just not that into their love scenes? She'd never met a straight man with no interest in her goods! Kim Kardashian has been looking at engagement rings with Reggie Bush. Her only requirement? That it be bigger that her sister Khloe's nine carat ring. "Khloe beat Kim to the altar, but Kim will beat her with the size of the ring," says a source. Audrina Patridge told her friends that she thinks it's only a matter of time before she gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and they just laughed. One of Bret Michaels' hair extensions fell out while he was recording with Miley Cyrus. She saved the grungy lock and may frame it. In other news, Britney Spears called Kevin Federline in tears to canceled a visit with her boys because Jason Trawick demanded that they spend time together. Brit was so upset that she called off their engagement, which she pushed Jason into in the first place. Tiger Woods' "No. 1 mistress" Rachel Uchitel has been telling friends that she's two weeks late. She told Tiger and an insider says it "it scared the hell out of him" because "Rachel being pregnant could actually make his nightmare a whole lot worse." Rachel has been bragging to friends, saying that she sees having a "cub" with Tiger "as her meal ticket." Jennifer Aniston is still trying to adopt a Mexican baby with Brad Pitt's' help, but Star writes, "in the meantime, she's sowing her wild oats all over Hollywood." The mag claims she's dating Sam Rockwell, Josh Groban, and Josh Hopkins of Cougar Town, who Courteney Cox brought to Jen's holiday party. A source says they exchanged numbers so later "Jen picked up the phone and asked Josh to come to her chili cook-off party." Finally, "Jersey Shore Drug Scandal!" In an interview with her local paper, Jenny "J-WOWW" Farley admits the guys on the show are "heavily into steroids... injecting whatever it could be into their system that will make them bigger and better looking." But, it's much worse than we suspected: The kids are also injecting self-tanner. J-WOWW says the girls take human growth hormone and "they inject tanner into their bodies... just like steroids, to get the perfect color skin. I've seen people go far beyond the extremes that were portrayed on the show."
Grade: D+ (There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas.)

Ok!
Kendra was pregnant, and now she's given birth. Margaret says, "her baby is pretty cute, but I still don't care." The mag asks her how she'll lose the 55 lbs. she put on during the pregnancy, and she says she'll do martial arts, swimming and squats. "It's time to get my butt back into shape." Whatever. Also inside: A source says since things got serious between Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan in November, she's telling friends that she wants to have his children. Billy is "very caught up in Jessica's mystique" and believes it's a relationship worth pursuing. Lastly: Lindsay Lohan was asked about the Gucci model she's supposedly dating, and proclaimed: "it's lame b.s."
Grade: F (flight cancelled)

In Touch
"Melissa Says 'I Do.'"
If you have the devotion required to read this eight-page article about the wedding of former The Bachelor contestant Melissa Rycroft, we salute you. Because we could only glance at all of the mind-numbing details. We do know that at the end of the ceremony, the bride and groom walked away from the altar to an instrumental version of the Monday Night Football theme song. Moving on: Madonna bought a $10 million 30-acre farm in the Hamptons. Jessica Simpson's "dangerous" new romance with Billy Corgan is covered thusly: "Jessica Simpson has always been a bit misguided when it comes to love. So when she was spotted walking out of the Ritz-Carlton in New York on December 4 with 42-year-old Smashing Pumpkins singer Billy Corgan, the world responded with a bemused 'WTF?'" An insider says they are not exclusive. They seem to have little in common, but they're both religious. Billy's "friend" tells the magazine that he's using the relationship to promote his new album. His ex-girlfriend, Tila Tequila, says: "I think Jessica Simpson is a waste of space. She can't even put two and two together. She doesn't show any female empowerment. She gets screwed over by her ex-boyfriends because she is all clingy. She should stop being so weak and stand up for yourself." In an interview, Tiger Woods' high school girlfriend says he broke her heart by dumping her via letter and writing that his parents were making him concentrate on his career. Next: A story called "Angelina's Desperate To Keep Brad" uses happy pictures from the Unicef Snowflake ball to illustrate how Angie is possessively clutching at Brad (see image 7). So a picture of her playfully grabbing his jacket becomes "she is trying to hold on to him for dear life." Angie wanted everyone to see how happy they were, but, according to the mag, "onlookers saw right through the Oscar-winning actress's transparent performance." Brad is smiling in every picture, yet the mag claims "Brad seemed visibly annoyed" by her "over-the-top antics." Body language expert Dr. Lillian Glass says: "His sad, non-smiling eyes and lack of a genuine smile also indicate his unhappiness." Brad took pictures with George Clooney and Matt Damon, and Angelina jumped into some of the pix, so the mag claims: "Brad wanted photos of him and his boys together. But Angelina insisted on inserting herself into them. It was obvious she was seeking attention." The lesson here is that Brad should learn to smize and Angelina should be a wallflower. Next, Gia, who's mom is Teresa from RHONJ, has a two-page spread of her closet (like mom did) and as for Jacqueline from RHONJ, "her son can rock any look." (See images 8 and 9.) Hey! Look who was quoted regarding that Sex And The City Photoshop Of Horrors on page 58! (See image 10)
Grade: D-, downgraded to F for irrelvant cover (flight delayed 6 hours)

Life & Style
"Baby Joy!"
An insider claims that Angelina decided, about four months ago, that she wanted to get pregnant again. "She basically told Brad that if it happens, it happens, and she wasn't going to concern herself with birth control. Angie's most at peace when a baby's coming." Nowhere does it say that she's actually pregnant, even though the cover claims "baby no. 7 is on its way." So "on its way" must mean "twinkle in the eye." Don't be fooled: the other two baby "exclusives" are old quotes from Kendra and Kourtney and no photos of their newborns. Moving on: Kate Gosselin's BFF Jamie says that at night when the kids are in bed, Kate is lonely. "That's when she calls and we chat. It gets lonely when you're the only adult." Oh, and Kate hasn't had sex in a year. Oh, and here's a picture of Jon eating Panda Express alone in a mall somewhere, which is sad and also HILARIOUS. Next, we present image 11 WITHOUT COMMENT. Famed fling Jamie Jungers spoke to the mag and says Tiger Woods is '"well endowed — above average. I would rate him an 8 out of 10 in bed. He used to call me 'Jamie Juices' or 'my little coffee cup.' We never used protection. We just got caught up in the moment. We didn't discuss it." FYI: Billy Corgan calls himself a "wrestlemaniac." Ooh, the mag casts the movie of Tiger Woods' life, starring Cuba Gooding Jr., Lindsay Lohan, Reese Witherspoon and more! (see image 12). You know how they're filming Sex And The City in Morocco? Well John Corbett was there. Spoiler! Aidan's back. Apparently European tabloids are reporting that George Clooney's gf, Elisabetta Canalis, was "getting cozy" with Dutch soccer star Clarence Seedorf over Thanksgiving weekend, but Cloons and the Italian chick are "solid as ever." Finally: "Mother-Daughter Plastic Surgery Brought Us Closer" is about Lynne Curtin from RHOOC getting a facelift on the same day that her daughter got a nose job. Lynne says "it was a total mother-daughter experience."
Grade: D- (flight delayed 2 hours)

Us
"Split! Why Reese Left Him"
Basically Reese and Jake had a "civil and measured" breakup. She felt pressured to wed again, but she wasn't ready, says a source: "She decided to walk away rather than walk down the aisle." The breakup transpired "over a series of phone calls." She couldn't commit, and even last year, she told Parade: "I'm not far enough out of being married to do it again." Also, when she was giving all of her energy to Jake, she felt like she wasn't giving her kids enough. She's "a Sunday-school teaching, take-charge personality" who "wants things the way she wants them"; while Jake is "really laid back." Moving on: A picture of Lindsay Lohan in India, holding a child! (See image 13.) Rihanna has a new tattoo on her chest, which says: "Never a failure, always a lesson" backwards, so she can see it in the mirror. Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are planing a "hush-hush" wedding in Spain before the new year; the bride will wear Balenciaga. Finally: A "source" says of the Jessica Simpson/Billy Corgan relationship: "She likes weirdos and anybody who's a 'real' musician. He's smart and intense, so she likes that. But they have practically nothing in common."
Grade: D- (flight delayed one hour)

Star
"Tiger & Jessica: The Shocking Inside Story."
Jessica Simpson attended a golf event with Tony Romo on July 1, so she met Tiger Woods. A "friend" says she'd actually met Tiger before, and thought he was really sexy. She was excited to see him again and "packed a bunch of slinky outfits so he'd notice her." Tiger liked what he saw and they were "touchy feely" and flirty! Jessica asked Tiger, "coyly," if he was available for private golf lessons and he slipped her his cell phone number. And she gave him her number. And what happened next was NOTHING. She's a good girl whose daddy was a preacher and would never date a married man, etc. etc. etc. But: She has a framed photo of her and Tiger (and Tony) in her bedroom. Moving on: Angelina smiled at Brad at the Unicef party and the smile "was the same one she'd given him" when she was pregnant before. So clearly she is pregnant now. A family insider says: "Angie hasn't been this happy in months." She's constantly laughing and chatty and "this is exactly like she was when she was pregnant with Shiloh and the twins." The insider adds: "She's got her pregnancy personality back." Brad Pitt walked her to the ladies room, and waited outside for her — and when they sat together, he stroked her hair. So: Pregnant. Leading body language expert Patti Wood says: "We rarely see photos of Angelina smiling like this. When you are joyful, your facial muscles go up, indicating a state of euphoria — which is exactly how she could feel if she's expecting again." Um, did she just explain what a SMILE is?!?! Recently, Star reported that the coupe had the fight to end all fights. But NOW Brad seems committed to being by Angie's side. Because you can leave six kids, but you can't leave seven. Next: Taylor Momsen was fired from Gossip Girl because they were sick of her late nights and unprofessional behavior. But she is telling people she is leaving for other acting gigs, and music. Her rep says she is NOT fired, but we'll see. Is Robert Pattinson the new James Dean? (see image 14) Rihanna called a friend and said she had a "sexy secret." She said: "Don't trip, but I hooked up with Justin." It was "good — hot and wild" and they had some of the best makeout sessions she's ever experienced. Justin's been calling her nonstop, but Rihanna says it's just for fun. "She's only out for the physical with him," says a source. "And she got it." HOT. Blind item! "Which fading reality starlet recently pulled a Britney? She shaved her head and was involuntarily admitted to a mental hospital in early December, but cameras missed the whole thing." Drew Barrymore and Justin Long were walking in NYC and it was really cold, and she asked if she could borrow his coat, and he was like, "No way, I'm freezing too." At the Gossip Girl Christmas party, Kelly Rutherford, 41, lured 24-year-old Chace Crawford away from doing Don Julio tequila shots with Ed Westwick and went into "full-on cougar mode." "They were getting kind of saucy." Lastly: A male model and aspiring rapper named Michael Girgenti, whose stage name is Primo Stallone, claims that he is the father of Kourtney Kardashian's baby. He also says he has "private kinky pictures" of himself and Kourtney, and when asked if there was a possibility that he had fathered Kourtney's baby, Michael said: "You could say that. Yeah." Apparently Kourtney didn't even know who the father was but her mom, Kris, told her to say publicly that it was her ex, Scott Disick.
Grade: D (turbulent flight)

Ok!
"My Side Of The Story."
Rachel Uchitel was interviewed at her home, and Tiger Woods was not mentioned in the conversation. The mag's first question: "The media is painting you as the other woman, how would you describe yourself?" Uchitel says: "I've been called homewrecker, gold digger, tramp, whore. I make mistakes, but I'm not those things." For the next four pages, we learn: she has 2 dogs — one named Rudy Giuliani and one named Ozzy Osbourne; she likes Twilight and is Team Edward; and she watches Nancy Grace every night. In one picture, she is holding a photo of herself as a child and the caption reads: "I'm a good person." Moving on: The golf pro who introduced Tiger and Elin says she won't stay for him — or the money — after what he's done. "I don't see her being able to continue to love someone who violated her trust so thoroughly. That's not how she was raised." Hey, did you hear the rumor that when Rihanna and Zac Efron met backstage at David Letterman's Late Show, where they sipped champagne and swapped numbers? We didn't either. And Gossip Cop — which has partnered with Ok! — says it's not true. The rumor that Robert Pattinson was going to play John Lennon in Disney's 3-D remake of the Yellow Submarine is also false. Finally, in Taylor Squared news, a close friend of the pair tells Ok!: "They're the new Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron. But they have the same first name — that sends it over the top! The cuteness factor is through the roof."
Grade: F (22°)

Life & Style
"Sandra: Fighting For My Kid."
We were bored to tears by this cover story about how Jesse James's daughter, Sunny, will sleep over at her biological mom's house on Christmas Eve. Mom is porn star Janine Lindemulder, and the mag points out that her house is "where same place she films adult videos." But Janine has nothing bad to say about Sandy Bullock: "I applaud her for the way she's taken over these past six months. She's done a wonderful job with Sunny." Moving on: Brad and Angelina celebrated their 5th anniversary in a poolside bungalow at the Chateau Marmont. He surprised her! "To keep information from getting out, and to keep Angie in the dark, only top level hotel staff members were informed." Brad and Angie were holding hands when they arrived. Angie was a excited and kept asking Brad what he was up to, but he just smiled. They ordered pasta and vodka via room service, and didn't leave the room until the next day, when they had a "triple date" with Cindy Crawford and her husband and George Clooney and his gf. (It wasn't actually a date — it was the party for Clooney's new movie, but whatever.) Kendall Jenner is "vogueing" for Forever 21 in a new ad campaign, and the mag points out that "her eyes sparkle like Brody's" and she has sister Kim Kardashian's "hot hair." (See image 7.) Holly Madison and Benji Madden: Dating. Finally: "What Happened To Cameron's Face" alleges that Ms. Diaz had fillers and stuff, but she looks exactly the same in both pictures (See image 8.)
Grade: F (29°)

In Touch
"I Will Leave My Wife For You."
So now we know that Tiger was juggling his wife Elin, his fuckbuddy Jaimee Grubbs and his mistress, Rachel Uchitel at the same time. This mag has emails from Tiger to Rachel, which read: "I finally found someone I connect with, someone I have never found like this. Not even at home. You want someone to witness your life. I want you to lay next me, lay on me, or wherever you want to lay. Fuck. Why didn't we find each other years ago. We wouldn't be having this conversation." Later in the article there is a picture of Rachel in a white bikini next to a picture of Elin in a white bikini, and the copy reads: "Why would Tiger stray from Elin?" And mentions that she is "an elegant Swedish former model with a killer body." Moving on: "Miley: 17 Going On 37." She dresses in leather, she pole dances, and now she has a tattoo under her boob. Apparently her "bosses" at her record label are concerned about what message she sends to young fans. Yawn. Maddox Jolie-Pitt is "caught in the middle." When he was standing on the carpet between Brad and Angie, "the tension between the couple was palpable. And Maddox did not look happy about it." The photo accompanying this story negates and contradicts the allegations, because the three of them look pretty happy on the red carpet (see image 9.) Also, the text reads: "The thought of his mom and dad splitting after giving him all of these brothers and sisters seems to be having an affect [sic, it should be Effect) on him." An insider says, "Lately, he has just been playing video games." Bizarre behavior for an 8-year-old! Meanwhile, Pax is "wild," and "runs around the house screaming in Vietnamese and attacking Maddox." Sounds fun! Next: George Clooney has finally "met his match" with Italian TV personality Elisabetta Canalis — she won't let him pay her rent, and has more clout in Italy, so when they need a reservation, she'll use her name. "She's in control," says a source. Jessica Simpson "nearly fainted" when she found out that Tony Romo's new girlfriend, Candice Crawford, was wearing a diamond ring from Tony. In "Hollywood Weight Watch, Who's Up, Who's Down," we learn that Brittany Murphy is too skinny; Sara Rue needs to lose; Jared is up; Reese Witherspoon is down; Mischa Barton is up. Lastly: Looking into the eyes — and closet — of Teresa Giudice of Real Housewives Of New Jersey is horrifying. (See image 10.)
Grade: D- (45°)

Star
"Baby At Last — With Brad's Help!"
Jennifer Aniston's "mentor and confidant," ex-husband Brad Pitt, is "urging her on and patiently walking her step-by-step" through the "complicated, nerve-wracking" adoption process. After Jen visited an orphanage in Mexico, she sent Brad a text, telling him she was thinking of adopting. This set off a "flurry" of texts. "At first she wasn't sure she'd be strong enough," but "Brad gave her the courage to move forward." LOL. He told her: "You'll be an amazing mother. I've always believed that." When Jen heard that, "tears welled up in her eyes." She "pretty much lost it." LIKE WE ARE LOSING IT NOW. "For some reason, hearing Brad say those words to her was exactly what she needed." Brad told Angelina about the situation, and "Angelina exploded." But Brad explained that all Jen wants is help giving an orphan a good home. "This really struck a chord with Angie." She told Brad: "Do what you have to do." She told Brad to give Jen the number of her adoption expert, who helped her with Maddox, Pax and Zahara. Brad's been talking to Jen about how to nurture a child from another culture and reassured her that she can do it alone. In other Jolie-Pitt News, Maddox is looking forward to a small role in the new Karate Kid movie, Kung-Fu Kid, starring Will Smith's 11-year-old son Jaden. Blind item! "Which athlete has been playing the field behind his A-list girlfriend's back? One flirty night club encounter has already turned into a series of dates, and his main girl is getting suspicious." (coughARodCough) More: Lady Gaga drinks half a cup of apple cider vinegar three times a day. Britney saw that kooky Chris Brown wedding dance video and now she wants to do a special dance at her wedding to Justin Trawick. In Tiger Woods news, a "friend" of Rachel's says the night Tiger met Ms. Uchitel, they had sex seven times — and never used a condom. At 5 am, Tiger took a break to go to the gym, and when he came back, there were "two more rounds of lovemaking." The "friend" says: "This wasn't wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am type sex, this was making love. That's how Rachel describes it." Apparently Tiger was paranoid and would check cabinets and closets for hidden cameras or recording devices during his hookups. Ironic that his own text messages busted him! Rachel knew about Tiger's other chicks, Cori and Kalika, but "hearing about Jaimee was what broke her heart. The wife is one thing, but it's what the others have said that hurts. She read that he didn't use condoms with any of them, either, and it just grossed her out." Next: Jessica Alba's relationship with Cash Warren is falling apart — she told a "pal" that they're not sleeping in the same bed and she has a crush on Mario Lopez. Stephanie Pratt was fired from The Hills but MTV execs are letting her make it look like she quit, to avoid embarrassment. She'd been showing up hungover or not at all, and then there was the DUI. "Producers like catfights and broken romances, not drama that involves breaking the law," says a source. "Stephanie just became this major mess and was too much of a liability." Finally: Weight Wars! Winners & Losers" features an expert guessing what the stars have been doing with their bodies. Chris Noth has MAYBE been doing weight training and yoga. Mischa Barton has been eating more because she got kicked off The Beautiful Life. Jessia Simpson has "plumped up again."
Grade: C- (50°)

Us
"What She Knew"
In an epic story about Tiger Woods and his women, there's info about how Tiger Woods would cheat on his wife. He would book hotel rooms under Mr. & Mrs. Bell (his best friend is Byron Bell). He also text messaged — a lot. MANY of the text exchanges between Tiger and Jaimee Grubbs are printed here — and they were texting right up through Thanksgiving. A snippet:

Tiger: I need you.
Jaimee: Then get your tight ass over here and visit me! I need u
Tiger: I will wear you out soon
Jaimee: How soon? I got a new piercing.

To check out the rest, see image 11. Meanwhile, Elin was apparently living an "isolated life," jogging alone, wandering around Macy's alone, and eating alone at Cheesecake Factory. Next: In "25 Things You Don't Know About Me," Snoop Dogg reveals that he used to work at McDonald's; he has a "mancave," and his favorite subject was math, "Cuz if it ain't about money, it ain't about me." When Christina Milian and The Dream got married in Rome, she wore a lovely Monique Lhuillier gown; he wore an Alexander McQueen tux with Tom Ford boots. As in: Knee-high boots. (See image 12.) Charlie Sheen's wife Brooke has decided that she will only hire "older women" as nannies. The headline here is: "No Sags, No Wrinkles, No Job." Lastly: Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are "suddenly serious." His parents live on Long Island and Brit is scheduled to be in New York for three days around Christmas, and she'll visit his parents while she's here!
Grade: C (55°)

From Life & Style

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From Life & Style (but seems like a rip-off of when Us did What's Wrong With Lindsay's Face?)

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From In Touch

From Us

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From Us

In the clip above, Dave comes out swinging, beginning his monologue with "Boy, looks like that Tiger Woods is having some trouble, huh?" Audience members go wild with long applause, reminiscent, in a way, of their confused enthusiastic laughter during Letterman's announcement of his own illicit dalliances with members of his staff in October. But what, exactly, are they cheering for here, since Dave has yet to make an actual joke? The fact that someone other than Dave has been brought down by the same bad habit? Just the fact that he's even addressing it? Let's give them the benefit of the doubt and assume the applause sign came on, but it's kind of strange. Dave goes on to make jokes about Tiger, and even though they're softballs ("I used to think golf was boring") and most refer self-deprecatingly to Dave's own troubles ("I wish he'd stop calling me for advice"), it's impossible not to feel a sense that Dave is relieved and gleeful that the focus is finally off of him.

Perhaps to minimize the glass-house stone throwing nature of the whole thing, Letterman makes the audience take two polls, asking them by applause if they think Tiger Woods is a jerk, and then if they think he, Dave, is a jerk. The audience applauds both:

Then Dave brings out Tom Hanks, once again, to "react to" the Top 10 List: "Top 10 Ways Tiger Woods Can Improve His Image". (Conspicuously absent: "Get Tom Hanks, the most trusted man in America, to appear by your side during difficult moments"):

This show was basically Letterman's way of putting his own scandal to rest by signaling to his audience that in no way is he going to start treating the infidelity of other famous men, a topic which many have noted has been one of his favorites throughout his show, lightly. If anything, Letterman's status as a fellow "jerk" gives him his own special angle on Tiger and any other future men accused of similar bad behavior. We can probably expect him to pile on the jokes whenever a scandal like this breaks, because unlike Jon Stewart or Conan O'Brien, Dave can always hold up his hands and claim that he's making fun of himself just as much as the joke's victim. He can now own sex scandals by doing what he's always been able to do brilliantly: take any subject and make it about him.

Ok!
"$75 Million For Baby #2."
Can we talk about this cover for a minute? We find it very conversational: "Shhhh!" and "Sorry Nicole — We Can't Keep A Secret" amd "OMG! Tiger Reveals What Really Happened." Inside, "sources" tell Ok! that there's been tension between Katie and Tom because he's been pushing for another baby since Suri was delivered. Wait, since Suri was delivered? Was he in the hospital when she came out, saying, "Gimme another one!" Anyways. Katie plans to get pregnant in the next year and Tom plans to set aside $75 million for his new offspring. A "pal" says part of the reason Katie's going to have another kid is because "she no longer feels like she's just Mrs. Cruise — she's her own person again. A sidebar headline reads: "Meanwhile, Tom's Ex Nicole Looks Pregnant." (see image 7) Dr. Christopher Sipe, who does not treat Nicole, says: "It appears she may be 30 weeks pregnant. Or she could be teasing the media." Wait wait wait. Nicole is 7 ½ months along? Or joking? Glad we narrowed that down. Moving on: Liza Minnelli and Adam Lambert are "surprise look-alikes." (See image 8.) Angelina Jolie says of Brad Pitt, "I met the right person and I don't like being without him." Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are "taking a break." Jake is reluctant to live a "middle-aged lifestyle" what with the two kids and the farm and whatnot. They came to an agreement to spend some times apart and reconnect in a couple of weeks and see how they feel. Finally: Jessica Simpson is "smitten" with former Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan "since connecting with the bald bad boy at a November 6 party." They left together and that was the last anyone heard of them for days!
Grade: F (flubbed shot)

Life & Style
"The Truth About My Marriage."
Ugh. As you may have noticed, L&S pushes the Kardashians on every other cover. They're on one week, off the next, then on again, and it's been going on basically since July. Or maybe earlier. We guess the editors struck a deal with the family, but the coverage is seriously tedious. Here's what Margaret learned from this incredibly long interview: Khloe says Lamar would be happy if she got pregnant right away, but she'd like to wait. And even though she met his 11-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, Destiny, she has never met his 7-year-old son Lamar Jr. That's what you get for rushing your reality TV wedding! Margaret thinks Lamar should concentrate on having his son meet his new wife instead of trying to make a new baby. Moving on: Lady Gaga is "making everyone crazy" and is responsible for Adam Lambert's sexed-up AMA performance, for Rihanna's "barely-there bodysuit" at the AMAs and for Miley Cyrus being more seductive. Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are talking about having kids; she wants a girl. But, the magazine warns that Britney "relies heavily" on two medications to remain stable. And it might not be wise to take them while she is pregnant. Health advice is servicey! Gwyneth Paltrow has been spotted in London without Chris Martin and an insider says they're staying together for the children. Gwynnie refuses to get divorced, but "she's lived the last year or so of her life like a divorcée." What does that mean? Because I picture it involves drinking wine and wearing cleavage-highlighting outfits. Lastly: In Tiger Woods news, an insider names another woman, Kalika Moquin, as someone Tiger has hooked up with a bunch of times. "Tiger told Kalika that married life isn't all it's built up to be," and that he was unhappy and feeling lots of pressure. Kalika is a marketing manager for The Bank nightclub in Las Vegas, and the mag has a pic of her (See image 9.) When contacted, she did not confirm or deny the affair, saying it was "not appropriate" for her to comment one way or the other. We take this to mean she hasn't yet settled on a dollar amount for which to sell her story.
Grade: D- (fat shot)

In Touch
"It's Worse Than Anyone Knows."
As we learned last week, Angelina wanted to take the kids to Asia for Thanksgiving but Brad was against it, because he wanted to go to his parent's house. Now Brad's parents are advising him to leave Angie "before the relationship destroys him." The Cambodia trip allegedly fell through, so the Jolie-Pitts stayed in LA for the holiday. The copy here reads: "With no obvious reason beyond his partner's selfishness, Brad was forced to call his mother Jane on November 17, canceling the plans his whole family had been looking forward to for weeks." On the phone, "Jane sensed Brad's hurt" and asked if he was alright. "For a change, he didn't sugarcoat it." GASP. "He told his mom, 'It's worse than you think,' the insider reveals, adding that Brad was 'in tears' during the call." Jane was shocked it was so bad and told Brad to leave Angelina. The mag adds: "His only joy these days is Jen, 40, with whom he has been talking or texting nearly every day." Brad has confided to his parents that he still has feelings for Jen and they are urging him to follow through. Brad was disappointed that Jen went to Morocco for the holiday but they made plans to meet when she's back. And! Jen invites Brad's parents to her annual Christmas Eve dinner every year, and this year, they accepted, for the first time. Oh, and Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Aniston bonded when they were both in Morocco; they are both worried about Brad's future and almost called him together but decided against it. Moving on: Reese and Jake are being torn apart because he's very serious about marriage and children and wants to "make things official" but Reese never gives in. Maggie Gyllenhaal is trying to reunite them. Lindsay Lohan is having a "secret romance" with Entourage star Kevin Connolly. They've known each other for years but hooked up at a party at Leonardo DiCaprio's house in November and are "sneaking around." Ooh, plastic surgery special! Zac Efron's nose was "refined." Megan Fox had implants, lip injections and a nose job. Etc. (See image 10.) It goes on for a few pages. Lastly: Tom Cruise begged Katie Holmes to join him in Europe for Thanksgiving, but she stayed in New York.
Grade: D (double bogey)

Star
"The Fight To End All Fights!"
An alarm went off at Brad and Angie's house in LA, so the cops came, and left 20 minutes later. The mag claims: "Five alarm fights are the norm for Brad and Angelina these days." Apparently Angelina is a "screamer" and will get physical, shoving Brad. He wanted to go to Missouri for Thanksgiving; she wanted to take Pax on a humanitarian mission. So they fought. He told her she was selfish; she started hyperventilating and threw a chair at him. Brad stormed out of the house and went to Chateau Mirval — he said he was going to set up the house for Christmas, but he really just wanted to get away from Angelina. Brad is also mad that Angelina is trying to adopt from Africa again and not involving him in the process — and he doesn't want another kid yet. Please note: The image used on the cover is a picture of Angelina Jolie crying on UN World Refugee Day — June 20, 2003 (click that link and see). Brad and Angie did not get together until 2005, nearly TWO years later. Moving on: Tyra Banks is "super skinny" and "looks gaunt and waif-like." She looks fine to us? (See image 11.) Blind item! "Which singer is less of a gentleman than he seems? He hits the red carpet with gorgeous gals while hiding his real girlfriend — because she's a stripper." Hmm, Ne-Yo's album is Year Of The Gentleman… Reese Witherspoon had 40 people over for Thanksgiving and after eating they all sat around the piano and sang. Jake Gyllenhaal was a no-show, and "everyone was told not to mention his name." Reese and Jake broke up because he wants to get married someday, but felt that Reese was pushing him into it — he got freaked out and said he wasn't ready for such a commitment. David Hasselhoff went on a three-day drinking binge and was put on a psych hold at the hospital, but has been released. Britney Spears is pregnant! A "family insider" says she took a home pregnancy test after feeling queasy; her period was 2 weeks late. Two tests were positive! She called sis Jamie Lynn, who was not very supportive, telling Brit she hoped it was a false positive. Britney made JLS swear to secrecy, but JLS told the whole family. Jason is scared of making a huge commitment right now and "nobody thinks Britney's ready to be a mom again." Um, she's already a mom, right? Finally: A friend says Lindsay "just feels defeated and doesn't care what happens." She thinks "no one can save her, not even herself." LL was partyhopping on November 12 and wound up with Brandon Davis, her former enemy, and they were seen "bending out of sight and then wiping their noses after they stood back up." Which translates into "sniffing coke." When she saw photographers outside the house, she started throwing food out the window and acting crazy. At another party, Lindsay begged Leonardo DiCaprio to help her get a film role and he "gently suggested" she clean up her act. An insider says Lindsay took that as a slap in the face and the kind of help people are offering is not the kind she wants. Plus, her friends are abandoning her and she's resorted to hanging out with strangers. "These people don't care about her, so they don't stop her from taking so many drugs," a source says. "She could overdose and they wouldn't do anything. Lindsay knows it's dangerous, but she doesn't care anymore."
Grade: C (par for the course)

Us
"Yes, He Cheated."
In an exclusive interview, cocktail waitress Jaimee Grubbs, claims she's been having an affair with Tiger Woods for nearly three years. She played a voicemail from November 24 for the mag, which goes like this: "Hey, it's Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye." In a sidebar on Jaimee, she spills details about how they met; when things first started getting physical; their first sexual encounter; how she made Tiger watch Desperate Housewives, which he "allowed" because "My friend Teri Hatcher is on it." Jaimee shares sexy texts from Tiger with the mag and there's a picture of her holding her iPhone with Tiger's name listed in it. Tiger told her his life was overwhelming, but that he needed the endorsements and busy schedule because he wasn't as financially stable as he wanted to be. "I thought, fuck him, I'm just an average person, that's a slap in the face. But he has really high goals for himself." And the end of the piece, Jaimee says: "I do apologize that his wife is going to have to read this… Whatever happens with Elin, I hope Tiger and I can reconnect and remain good friends." Yeeeahhh… Not gonna happen. Meanwhile, Rachel Uchitel is saying she did not have an affair with Tiger Woods but met him twice. Her friends, however, say that he was exchanging sexts and emails with her. And one email is about how he had a terrible dream that she was "getting fucked by [former flings] Derek [Jeter] and David [Boreanaz]. Some part of me thinks you would like that." MOVING ON. We loved Mindy Kaling's "25 Things You Don't Know About Me" — especially "I will see any movie that features a makeover set to music." (For more see image 12!) Next, Nicole Kidman is not pregnant, her rep confirms. John Mayer has a late night show "in development," but 85% of Us readers would not watch it. Jessica Simpson was overheard at a restaurant asking her mom, "Do I like Gouda cheese?" Have you seen Heidi Klum's adorbs new baby? See image 13! Also, you probably were not aware, but "Thanksgiving Is For L♥vers." (See image 14.) Lastly: "No celeb goes to Villa in West Hollywood on Thursday nights anymore." But on November 19, Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Alba's husband Cash Warren both showed up with their friends and sat together, and after about 30 minutes, started making out "lip on tongue." "It was raw," says an eyewitness. "They were not shy." Lindsay spoke to Us and says she and Cash are friends who are collaborating on a potential TV show. "This is so absurd. He is married. I wouldn't dare kiss him."
Grade: C+ (1 over par)

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1.) One Life to Live Does Grey Gardens
During a drunken daydream, one character on the soap imagined life as Edie Beale. They did a musical number, and the Costume of the Day speech, although the accent was way off.

2.) Joan Rivers on Live TV
I love that for her publicity tour for her new reality show, she keeps dropping F bombs on live television.

3.) Police Women Get Stuck With The Vagina Jobs

4.) Moe
Former Jezebel editor Moe Tkacik was on MSNBC on Tuesday morning, where she talked about the economy and possibly got hit on.

5.) Do You Remember the Time?
It was discovered that a 3000-year-old tomb of a mummified woman looks exactly like MJ.

6.) Lesbians Aren't Into Sausage Parties
Zing to you, Gordon Ramsey!

7.) Wasted Housewives of Atlanta
I love how drunk and loving NeNe and Kim got at their "let's be friends again" dinner.

8.) Who Pulled Tiger Woods' Finger?

9.) Do You Wanna Hear Someone From Chicago Pronounce "Coup d'état"?

10.) Why Am I So Obsessed With Her?
Her feigned modesty is one reason.

Now, however, with Chris Albrecht well into his tenure as IMG boss — and with a $250 million mandate to develop content with talent including Tiger Woods and Gisele Bundchen— the pressure is on for Forstmann to do something a little more constructive than star-fuck his way around the roster.

Conveniently, Semel seems to need a project, and IMG is as good as any. Forstmann reportedly wants $3 billion, though — an "aggressive price" by most accounts; he picked IMG up for $750 million in 2004 and may fetch a little more than twice that if Semel can sort out a deal with Dubai International Capital, a government-owned holding company that also, last November, bought 3 percent of Sony for $1.5 billion. We're all for the deal, frankly — anything that gets Semel back on the scene (though his support for Israel might be a problem in a country to which Israelis can't even travel), particularly if it results in IMG client Elizabeth Hasselbeck trenchantly interviewing Gisele atop a man-made ski slope in some desert shopping megalith. Good luck, Terry!

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Dubai International Capital and ex-Yahoo chief let fly at IMG [Times Online via PaidContent]

boomp3.com



Much like the rest of America, the cast and crew of Entourage's work took a back seat yesterday afternoon to watching the tantalyzing US Open playoff. At the start of the day, Turtle warned that he wouldn't be able to get into character unless he was could watch at least the last two holes of the legendary golf tournament. A portable television was quickly brought to set and soon, the entire cast crowded around the small set. A round of cheers erupted as Tiger nailed the birdie on 18; unsurprisingly, the pleas from the first A.D. for the cast to get back to work fell on deaf ears. When the tournament went into sudden death, Jeremy Piven offered Turtle the opportunity to copy down any five phone numbers from his black book in exchange for being able to hold the portable TV. At press time, it is unknown if Jerry Ferrara took Piven up on his offer.

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]