In a grippingly dramatic report headlined "Ambulance Not Called to Brad Pitt's House," a rep for the actor confirmed that not only are he and his family healthy, but that an emergency vehicle arriving in Pitt's neighborhood on Thursday was actually summoned by a neighbor. The paramedics took away an unconscious 100-year-old man, and Brad, as TMZ takes pains to note, only celebrated his
45th birthday yesterday.

There is an uncanny Benjamin Button analogue in here somewhere, but just to recap, preferably with newsy Morse Code sound effects underneath: Brad Pitt did not call an ambulance, did not leave his house in an ambulance, and is not 100 years old. This concludes this test of the Emergency Broadcast System.

• Ambulance Not Called to Brad Pitt's House [TMZ]

The "SNL" veteran who has come back to play the Republican Vice Presidential candidate (and whose own show, "30 Rock," is still nowhere to be seen), said, "We're gonna take it week by week. If she wins, I'm done. I can't do that for four years. And by 'I'm done,' I mean I'm leaving Earth."

Fey also said it's a busy but exciting time for "SNL."

"Election time is always good for [SNL] and this is a bonkers election," she said. "And that lady is a media star. She is a fascinating person, she's very likeable. She's fun to play, and the two bits with Amy [Poehler], that was super fun," Fey says.

Is Fey merely one-upping her costar Alec Baldwin's notorious rumored claim that he would leave the country if George W. Bush was elected, or should 30 Rock begin looking for contingency plans that offer it some new, interstellar tax credits? Sure, Tracy Morgan already has experience in outer space, but we fear the move would slash the sitcom's impressive guest star list considerably. Heads up, Tina: Oprah does not do the rings of Saturn, OK?

• Tina Fey On Sarah Palin: "If She Wins...I'm Leaving Earth" [HuffPo]

Follow the jump for the official e-mail making the rounds, and stay tuned for updates here as events warrant... Developing...

——- Forwarded Message
From: xxxx
Date: Fri, 8 Aug 2008 11:40:48 -0700
To: xxxx
Conversation: MGM Tower Threat
Subject: MGM Tower Threat

This morning a call was received on the main MGM switchboard indicating that Anthrax would be put into the ventilation system of the MGM Tower, starting on the 20th floor.

Calls were immediately placed by MGM to Building Management as well as LAPD.

Building Management dispatched Engineers to examine the air conditioning systems and found no indication of tampering. These areas are secured and not accessible to tenants or guests of the building. The LAPD are conducting inspections within the building to look for evidence of tampering.

As a precautionary measure, Building Management has disabled the outside air intake for the Tower. Additionally, Security escorts will be required for any contractors working in the Tower and access to mechanical and electrical rooms will be restricted.

While we are not ordering an evacuation of the premises at this time, if you feel uncomfortable remaining at the Tower you may leave upon notification to your Supervisor.

###

In a too-close-for-comfort profile in this week's New Yorker, Clooney apparently plays the message for both a reporter and Larson for the first time. Her insta-defense? "I've never been a stripper. You know, just because I'm from Las Vegas, I must be a stripper. Because I'm a cocktail server, that means I'm an escort." Whoa, Sarah! This guy didn't drop the prostitute bomb, but thanks for reminding us of your skill set. And Clooney, who quipped, "It's not a prank - none of my friends would do that," may not care how many cocktails she served back in the day considering the games Larson likes to allegedly play in the bedroom. A "rock musician" named Tommy McKaughan is dishing to The Sun about the pair's extracurriculars: "She made up special love potions and rubbed them into every part of my body...She loves nothing more than getting naked in a forest." Yeah, we'd let that "investigation" run cold too if we were dating a sand-loving forest nymph like Sarah, too.

• CLOONEY TRAILS MYSTERY CALLER [NY Post]
• EX-BOYFRIEND REVEALS SEX ROMPS [The Sun]

Re: "Lovely Bones" Cease and desist from further copyright violations

To Whom It May Concern:

We are counsel for Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh and Philippa Boyens. It has come to our attention that a copy of our clients' screenplay "The Lovely Bones" has unlawfully been placed on this tracking board without the consent of our clients, whose copyrighted works are being illegally exploited. A secret id word has been imbedded [sic] in each copy of the screenplay and we are presently investigating the source of the leak and appropriate action will be taken.

We hereby demand that the webmaster of this tracking board immediately remove the screenplay from the site and that all individuals immediately cease and desist from any further dissemination of the screenplay. Our clients own all the right, title, interest and copyright in the screenplay and anyone coping, offering and/or distributing the screenplay is infringing on their copyright in violation of the U.S. Copyright Act, Title 17 of the United States Code Section 101, et.seq., and is exposing themselves to criminal liability. Please be aware that infringement of copyright can result in criminal prosecution such as when an individual continues to distribute infringing items after being placed on notice by the copyright holder. If anyone continues to copy, offer and/or distribute the screenplay in violation of the US Copyright Act and our clients' rights, we will contact the proper authorities and aggressively pursue a criminal investigation and prosecution against the infringing individuals. Please govern yourself accordingly. This letter does not constitute a complete and exhaustive statement of all of our clients' rights, claims, contentions or legal theories regarding this matter. Nothing stated here is intended as, nor should it be deemed to constitute a waiver or relinquishment of any of our clients' rights or remedies, whether legal or equitable, all of which are hereby expressly reserved.

Sincerely,

Nelson Felker Toczek Davis LLP

The Jackson camp should probably take pains not to throw too big a scare into the assistants; if the entire script-covering underclass finds itself too paranoid to touch Bones for fear they're holding a copy with the "secret id word" embedded within (we're guessing it's something like "fucknewline"), negotiations for the sale might stall indefinitely as annoyed studio execs are forced to actually read the screenplay themselves.

• Previously; Hobbit War Rages On [Defamer]