1.) Wanda Sykes' Sarah Palin pop-up book

2.) Tyra's "big" holiday give-away show
First of all, she doesn't even give the presents to everyone in the audience, just one audience member per gift. Secondly, she sounds more like she's on the street corner trying to sell us shit that fell off the back of a truck.

3.) These shirts:

4.) Tuna

5.) Same shit, different drunks
I missed the first two episodes of the new season of Bad Girls Club while away on vacation, but I caught the new one that aired this week, and it seems like I didn't miss much.

6.) Extreme Bathrooms
There was actually an hour-long show all about "extreme" bathrooms. I watched the whole thing, because it seemed like a Homer Simpson-y thing to do, but it was basically all like this:

7.) Babs
I don't know if it's all the years on television and all the awards she's received, or the onset of dementia, but it seems like every time she speaks now—about anything—she expects everyone to be fascinated, or at least impressed, with what she's saying.

8.) That's my Mariah!

9.) Mom who grows weed
A woman sold her hair salon and asked her son how she should invest her money, and he bought her a piece of land and turned her into a medical marijuana farmer. She's enjoying it.

10.) Last-minute Christmas gift idea
The Shady Lady brothel has just added male prostitutes to its roster. The madam there is offering coupons.

1.) 105-year-old celebrates birthday at male revue

Love her. I also love her door-knocker earrings, purple nails, and Baby Phat track suit.

2.) Glassy-eyed Fanilow
Paula Abdul attended a Barry Manilow concert, where Entertainment Tonight caught up with her backstage.

3.) Hailey Glassman
Jon Gosselin's girlfriend was on The Insider this week to discuss how hard it is being famous. In this clip, she pays Kate Gosselin a compliment, then insults her, then goes into detail about when Jon first stuck his ween in her.

4.) Boys don't cry.
Mary Hart tried her damnedest—during her exclusive interview with Chaz Bono regarding his sex reassignment process—to get Chaz to break down and cry over how horrible all of this must've been for him. Chaz wouldn't bite. It's kinda great watching him kind of get off on being withholding.

5.) Big-ass joint
In the History Channel's docu-drama Manson, the reenactment of Dennis Wilson getting high with the Family seemed cartoonish.

6.) Man down, code 10!
Keyshia Cole's mom Frankie hosted BET's Red Carpet pre-show for the Hip Hop Awards.

7.) Babs!
She was in rare form this week.

Really rare.

8.) Holly Montag
Who would've thought that Heidi's sister would turn out to spike the punch of The Hills with her dance "fights."

9.) "Nuptial Decadence"
Why does that term sound so delicious?

10.) Ew.
I don't know which is more disturbing: the fact that the woman in this commercial is afraid of her husband, or the fact that frozen mussels actually exist.

1.) Who farted?
Bigger than the mystery of whether or not this whole thing was a publicity stunt is the mystery of which Heene family member's heinie gave a Bronx cheer.


Entertainment Tonight is all over this thing.


2.) Speaking of potty humor…
I love this girl.


3.) "Well, fuck you."


4.) 12¢ Cheeseburgers


5.) Wendy Williams fucked up a lot this week.
More than usual.


6.) This kook says she's spoken to Michael Jackson since he died.


7.) Balloon Boy will not steal Jon Gosselin's thunder!
This week Jon was, again, all over The Insider and Entertainment Tonight (which led to the lawsuit TLC filed against him today). After his appearance in court earlier this week, when a judge ordered him to return $180,000 he took from Kate and his children, Jon appeared tense. Here, he explains his clenched jaw.


Entertainment Tonight managed to get Rod Stewart's opinion on Jon, as though Rod is some kind of father of the year. (Rod's children have, in fact, been on reality TV, and one of them appeared on Celebrity Rehab, which is a giant parental fail.)


8.) Asians don't need Botox, according to Jon Gosselin.
But he would like to get new hair plugs.


9.) Jon is trying to distance himself from Michael Lohan.


And that's probably a good thing, considering that Lindsay's dad filmed an episode of Maury this week, which, as of yet, has no scheduled air date.


10.) 30 Rock is back!

1.) Jon Gosselin
I know it's nearly impossible that anyone in America managed to miss him since he was all over TV talking about how he doesn't want to be on TV anymore. On Monday on The Insider, Jon faced off with Nancy Grace. Later in the week, The Insider tried to propel that insanity by airing "footage you didn't see" from the event. Here, Jon admits that his earrings are CZs.


Jon also ran back and forth between The Insider and Entertainment Tonight, showing "bank statements" proving that he did not steal money from Kate.










However, even the correspondent on The Insider recognized that this one transaction receipt proves absolutely nothing.




2.) "I'm showing America how it works."
God, he's like the fountain of spoof.


3.) In other grossness: Tamerlane Phillips.
Remember two weeks ago when people didn't care about the Gosselins for four days because Mackenzie Phillips' rape and incest bombshell stole the show? Tamerlane Phillips misses those days.


4.) The best intervention ever, courtesy of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.





5.) Kaity Tong Drunk?
Speaking of interventions…sheesh.


This man-on-the-street from the story she was introducing is awesome.


6.) Shut up, Joy!


7.) People are still getting "The Rachel"?


8.) Does Kim know that wig hair doesn't grow back?


9.) Khloe Kardashian's 9 Carats


10.) WWWWD?
She would think WWJJD.

1.) Flash Dance
This week on So You Think You Can Dance?, some woman flashed her crotch, and Fox gave her a flesh-colored blur, leading these ABC News correspondents to wonder whether or not she was going commando.

2.) Barbara disses Mariah's boring story on The View.



The interview was preempted for the breaking news that Chicago did not get picked to host the Olympics. When The View returned, Mimi's dog appeared.

3.) This.

4.) Jesus wanted John Phillips to have sex with his daughter.
Because he knew it would help Chynna sell her new album.

5.) Tyra has a knack for discovering people who are really good at being assholes.

6.) Tyra also finally discovered Objectum Sexuals.

7.) Check out this hot ticket on Judge Judy.

8.) So not glitz.

9.) Kim doesn't like anything "cheesy" or "cheap."
So don't let the wig fool you.

10.) NeNe bitches out Lara Spencer.

Taylor doesn't seem to hold a big grudge, nor does she seem particularly wounded, but she did say that Kanye has not reached out to her personally...and that he's welcome to do so.

Update: Kanye just called her.

1.)The Jerry Lewis Telethon
He ages like cheese, becoming saltier, stankier, more intense, and thus more enjoyable.

Also more offensive.

2.) AARP Lapdance

Charo performed Rihanna's "Don't Stop the Music" in the middle of the night during the telethon. I guess the intent was to wake people up. She went out into the crowd to get the audience dancing. When they didn't want to, she would hit them with her vagina.

3.) Tyra's back!

4.) And she wants to teach you stuff.
About menstruation.

How to frown with your eyes.

And how to not like your makeup.

5.) Janice still hates her.
After Tyra's Nightline interview during which she refused to discuss Janice Dickinson, Janice went running to The Insider to respond.

6.) The View returned.
Which is good news for those suffering in the recession.

7.) Kim needs a job.

Her daughter concurs.

8.) Blind-folded musical chairs.

9.) "She ain't messin' with no broke bro."

10.) The La Toya interview tonight will be awesome.
Judging from The Insider's preview of it.

1.) "God, Guns, Guts, and American Pickup Trucks"
That's this guy's motto for his truck dealership in rural Missouri. He gives away a free AK-47 with each vehicle purchased. While being interviewed on CNN's American Morning, he made some compelling arguments for his business model:

"The only 911 call I need is chambering a round."
"There is a tremendous crime problem with people doing meth and these people – they've lost their souls."
"You don't have a problem with God, do you? I'm just curious…"
"We're a Christian nation."
"You don't think God wants us to defend ourselves? I'm confused."

2.) Paris Hilton: "I'm Not Retarded"

3.) Me: "Yes You Are"

4.) Barbara Walters' Speech Impediment
I've finally cracked the code to the cause of Barbara Walters' "accent." She says her R's backwards, so they come out as "raw" instead of "arh."

5.) Big Brother

I'm so obsessed with these turds. This sums up how I'm feeling right now:

6.) Gay Penguin Dramz
After a six-year relationship, Harry and Pepper, two gay male penguins living in a zoo in San Francisco, are no longer an item. Harry left Pepper for a woman. (A penguin one, not a human one.)

7.) And This

8.) Things Are Different in Canada

9.) Who Does Jon Gosselin Think He Is?
Remember when the father of eight said that he was sick of doing the show and sick of paparazzi? He's so sick of the celebrity life, that he just needed to get away from it—by sipping champagne on a private yacht floating in the French Riviera.

10.) Wrap It Up, Linda

So much erotic energy coming through the screen. Did it get your viewing device hot and damp, as if it had been inside a human body? You're welcome!

Lovely video made by Gawker video intern Krutika Mallikarjuna.

P.S.



P.P.S.

If they don't get their minds right! Because, you know, they can't ever give a straight answer to questions about what producers told them to do and what was faked and what was real, etc & etc forever. Joy then sass-mouthed Heidi for aspiring to be like Mother Teresa but then going and posing nude for Playboy.

Perhaps every lite-news outlet has just had their Peter Finch moment this morning and just aren't gonna take it anymore. Too bad Ryan Seacrest doesn't do an afternoon show so the the Pratts could whine and moan about how unfair everyone's being all over again.

Tonight, Wolf Blitzer is going to unhinge his jaw and devour them whole. Then they'll pass through Larry King's lower intestine and end up in Pat O'Brien's backyard. From there, no one will ever hear from them again.

1.) Paris Hilton's My New BFF
Love. On the premiere episode this week, Paris eliminated a girl because Wayne Newton's tiger didn't like her. I miss her already. She was fun to watch.

Gif via FourFour

And she did good drawings.

2.) Paris was on The View, and Babs wasn't buying her whole "it's Pilates" act.

3.) Babs seems to to think that Paris Hilton and Paris Is Burning are one and the same. To be fair, it's an unsurpising mistake for some to make.

4.) Digging for gold, picking a winner.
A two-year old little boy purported to be an expert pool player was invited on The Yenta Hour of Today, where he picked his nose and ate his boogers.

5.) Why did she deliver her baby alone? Why is her baby not related to her? How did her baby die? Why is her baby alive? Why didn't she question anything!?

6.) "Betty White is a raging bitch."

7.) The magic behind Bridget's Sexiest Beaches is that watching Bridget Marquardt is like watching the joy of a toddler discovering the world, like how doorknobs work, or how food on a spoon is sometimes like an airplane flying into your mouth.

8.) That, and the cultural learning experience that comes with shopping abroad.

9.) Heidi Pratt is very much into Christianity. She strives to be like Mother Teresa, and thinks that material possessions are not important.

Unless, of course, it's dry shampoo.

10.) "I don't play well with others."

1.) Cougars!
Babs had a hard time saying it at first…

…but once she did, she liked how it sounded.

A lot.

2.) Sometimes soap opera dialogue sounds like that of a Russ Meyer movie.

3.) Talking about the weather, being judgmental about seat belt safety…Lauren Conrad is the definition of a square snot.

4.) Tyra is square snot².

5.) The Insider suggests the state intervene with Jon and Kate…because they are raising narcissists. Could you imagine the tax hike that would occur should indulgence be made a criteria of neglect/abuse?

6.) But that's business as usual for The Insider.

7.) Did Whoopi fuck Hugh Hefner?

8.) My mom was in The View audience this week. I could recognize her anywhere. Dollars to donuts I hear all about how freezing it was in the studio, and how rude Joy Behar is for not wanting to pose with her during a commercial break, the next time we speak. This is at least the sixth time in 11 years that's she's been an audience member on that show.

9.) How do you call monkeys?

10.) Janice Dickinson was on Finland's Next Top Model, and we posted about how she got wasted, fell down a flight of stairs, and then insulted the contestants by calling them "fucking dumb." However, she was totally blotto when she first arrived on set, acting like Miss Hannigan.

OK!
Disqualified once again for lack of gossip.
Grade: N/A (The price of fame.)

In Touch
"Brad's Intimate Texts To Jen" Brad and Jen are exchanging texts almost every day, on such intimate matters as whether or not Jen should cut her hair. She was thinking of cutting it short for summer, but thankfully, "He talked her out of it," says a friend, "He told her to just trim it and go blonder." Brad has finally revealed the real reason he left Jen, and it's not just because he was sleeping with Angie. He had bleached his hair, taken flying lessons, and gotten a tattoo, so obviously he was going through a midlife crisis. Now Brad feels like he's living a lie and is trapped with Angelina. Dr. Gilda Carle, who wrote an e-book on fidelity but doesn't treat the stars, said that Brad and Jen shouldn't rush to get back together. "Everything's changed, and he's had all these other experiences," says Carle, "she might not like that new guy that he is." Jen's the same person though, because she's just been thinking about how lonely she is and staring at her phone waiting for Brad to text. Next: Katie Holmes is going to Australia to film her new movie and she's excited to have some time to herself. However, Tom Cruise is upset because this hampers his ongoing plot to impregnate Katie, thus satisfying Suri's insatiable need for more siblings. Jon and Kate Plus 8 have a live-in nanny who is never shown on the TLC show. In closing, let it be known that the following people are dating: Cameron Diaz and Adam Levine of Maroon 5, Audrina Patridge and Chris Pine of Star Trek, Hayden Panettiere and 30-year-old British TV host Steve Jones, George Clooney and a chick named Amber.
Grade: D- (Five finger discount on grapes.)

Life & Style
It's [Not Really] On: The mag claims that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are "getting serious" because he introduced her to his parents... at his birthday dinner with other Twilight co-stars in attendance. But, they both ordered the same entree, so clearly they are soul mates. Also they're heading off to "romantic Italy" together, as that is where New Moon is filming next. Next: Angelina's back to "playing mom," after forcing Brad to become a full-time parent while she selfishly went to work on Salt. When the film wraps at the end of the month Brad will start filming his next film, Moneyball, and Angie will stay home with the kids. They've explained in the past that they take turns doing movies so one parent can stay with the kids, but an insider says, "she's unpredicable and restless," so she may take on a new project this summer and flake out on mom duty, "and Brad will once again have to put his career on hold to be with the kids." In a related sob story, Jennifer Aniston says she's "numb to falling in love." Actually, she said when you read a lot of romantic comedy scripts you get numb to the cliche falling in love story. But an insider says she's been trying to numb herself to falling in love as a defense mechanism, "when really, deep down, it's exactly what she wants." Also, Jen has betrayed Smartwater because she was photographed on set holding a tiny bottle of Poland Spring she probably picked up at the craft services table. In other news, Mark-Paul Gosselaar says he's not ashamed of his Saved By The Bell roots. "That image will stay with me for my entire career," he says, "but I'm not looking to shed the persona of Zack. I'm proud of the work I did." Dr. Rey channels Buffalo Bill again, asking, "Who has the best skin in Hollywood?" Michelle Trachtenberg, 23, has a flawless face, but Dr. Rey recommends microdermabrasion, a chemical peel, and laser skin surfacing for 22-year-old Lindsay Lohan. Kate Bosworth's stunning skin should be harvested and grafted onto Kirsten Dunst's face. (Fig. 1) Finally, Life & Style has determined that they give you more gossip for your recession buck than Us (Fig. 2) Hey, we'll be the judge of that, Life & Style.
Grade: D (Markdown on pantyhose.)

Us
"Mom To Monster" The before and after picture of Kate Gosselin Us ran last week was a hit, so they decided to use it again for this week's cover. Kate has "cut a swath of terror" by refusing to speak to Jon this weekend at the kids' birthday party when the cameras weren't rolling, having a TLC-financed makeover, and putting her "career before marriage." There are details from a former baby nurse who says Kate fired 40 nannies in three months before hiring her, neighbors who say she told them she'd sue if they reveal where she lives, and family members who say she's been obsessed with money since the sextuplets' birth. Us also provides a 360 degree look at Kate's "reverse mullet." (Fig. 3) Moving on: Sex and the City wedding! Cynthia Nixon announced her engagement to Christine Marinoni and showed off her ring at a marriage equality rally in New York as co-star Kristin Davis looked on. The dangers of Tweeting: Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston got roped into going on a double date with Spencer and Heidi via Twitter. Lastly, can you match the pregnant star to her baby bump? (Fig. 4)
Grade: D+ (Alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale.)

Star
"Angie Walks In On Jen And Brad!" ... talking on the phone. Angelina came home late one night from filming Salt and overheard Brad on the phone saying, "Relax Jen. Everything will be OK." A family insider says Angie, "totally flipped out." She screamed at him, "it's her or me!" but it's going to be a tough call for Brad, since the mag says he and Jen "just can't quit each other," and he likes to drunk-dial Jen late at night. In the much juicier story "Mom's Gay Affair!" we learn that Carrie Prejean's mother, Francine Coppola, was having a lesbian fling up until the night her daughter revealed her thoughts on gay marriage and lost the Miss USA crown. There's a picture of Coppola's "secret sapphic passion," Valerie Vetrano, as well as pictures of Coppola (who claims she's related to the director) at a lesbian party in Palm Springs where the two met, and lengthy accounts from sources who say they saw them on dates. Coppola wanted to keep their affair a secret, especially after her daughter started speaking out against gay marriage, but Vetrano said she wasn't going to live her life in the closet. When Star contacted Vetrano, she said, "In my country, in my household, I was raised to be honest and up-front. Yes, Francine and I dated. However, I don't feel comfortable discussing the details of our relationship - no offense." Moving on: Zac Efron has been told that if he wants to be a real star, he has to distance himself from High School Musical, and that means breaking up with Vanessa Hudgens. Zac feels this summer would be a convenient time to dump her, since he'll be filming in New England, but a source says, "Zac does still love Vanessa. He's agonizing about this!" How sweet. Next: Even though Joy Behar explained that she doesn't want anyone but her partner Steve and her daughter at her wedding on a recent episode of The View, Barbara Walters is mad because, "She feels like she gave Joy her big break, and it would only be right to at least ask her to come," says a source. Blind item: Which starlet stays red carpet ready thanks to a steady diet of heroin? But no need to worry about ugly track marks showing up in photos - she injects the drug between her toes. The mag estimates that Kelly Clarskson weighs about 165 pounds. She wants to lose weight for her health, so the mag encourages her by using the headlines "Kelly's BIG Comeback" and "Hungry For A Hit." Melissa Gilbert says that her Little House on the Prarie co-star Shannen Doherty had a one-night stand with her husband and ruined their marriage in her upcoming autobiography Prairie Tale. The incident occurred about five years after the show ended, and Gilbert claims "serial homewrecker" Doherty sought her husband out, "purely because she wanted to be like Melissa," according to a source. Next: Jamie Spears recently caught Britney taking over-the-counter diet pills mixed with Red Bull, which a source says made her, "whacked-out and go on weird rants." Britney's exhaused from touring and turns to the concoction to get her high. She also thinks Jamie tapped her phones and has a device that keeps a record of every number she calls [wouldn't the device be sort of like a phone bill?] Malia and Sasha Obama are "White House Rascals." They sing along to pop music loudly and off-key in their rooms, made the White House cook figure out the recipe for Pinkberry because there isn't a store in D.C., and speak in their own abbreviated sister language. What bothers everyone the most is that they go through the staff's magazines (including Star, of course, looking for new photos of Zac Efron and Nick Jonas. Finally, in this edition of "Best & Worst Beach Bods" we learned that if we want to be bikini ready, professional tennis is not the way to go. For the second week in a row, a mag has labeled Serena Williams body a "worst." (Fig. 5) Other crimes against humanity include having a "pancake butt" like Whitney Port (Fig. 5), having nearly invisible cellulite like Helen Hunt (Fig. 6) , and bending to pick something up while being 57, like Angelica Huston (Fig. 7).
Grade: C+ (Red light special, for some of the night.)




Fig. 1


Fig. 2


Fig. 3


Fig. 4


Fig. 5


Fig. 6


Fig. 7

Tori maintained that she didn't want a relationship with her mom, and said that if she did, it would be handled privately. Candy Spelling will be on The View next week. She hates handling anything privately, and will surely be talking all about this with the gals. If you haven't check out her website, you really should. It's an amazing display of self-involvement crossed with total lack of self-awareness.

Terminator Salvation is once again surrounded with controversy and angry people. This time, though, Christian Bale is blessedly uninvolved. No, one of the film's producers, Moritz Borman, is suing his fellow prods Derek Anderson and Victor Kubicek. The pair owns the Variety]

Martin Lawrence, Regina King, Tracy Morgan, James Marsden, Zoe Saldana, and Loretta Divine will be joining Chris Rock in the remake of the British comedy Death at a Funeral (which starred Alan Tudyk and Peter Dinklage). Oddly, angry white boy Neil LaBute is slated to direct. [Variety]

If you weren't already convinced that we've only a few short, miserable, light-starved years to go before humanity coughs, sputters and dies, here's the tipping point. More people are watching The View this year than ever before. [Variety]

Julia Roberts will be producing a film called Jesus Henry Christ. It's actually just going to be Julia standing and smiling at George Clooney, touching his cheeks and saying "Oh you..." Then they rob a bank in Biarritz. [THR] Mad Men's Elisabeth Moss will be joining Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker out in Wyoming. When asked about the project, Moss gushed "Oh it's so exciting. Hugh's always wanted to be a cowboy. It's nice to see his dream come true." [THR]

Joe Simpson continues to try and squeeze blood from his stone-like daughters. He's now signed his most irksome offspring Ashlee Simpson-Wentz up for Embarrassing TV Camp, where she'll be doing some sort of frown-faced, husky-voiced acting for the new Melrose Place reboot. She'll play a small town LA transplant with a secret. The secret is that she has no discernible talent. [THR]

A little background, if you're blessedly unfamiliar: New York Post political cartoonist Sean Delonas has always been a bigoted idiot, but people are just now realizing it after Delonas authored a cartoon where a monkey is shot and killed for authoring the stimulus bill—an uncomfortable, fraught comparison to make when dealing with our first black president. This is something that could be understood by almost anyone—even Elisabeth Hasselbeck! However, Barbara (already bleary-eyed from watching back-to-back episodes of The Mentalist on her DVR last night) had an alternate explanation for the outrage: "Because it's a black monkey." Audience laughter and the confused interventions of her cohosts did not deter Walters from pressing her case until Sherri Shepherd finally thought, "What the hell?" and said, "If it was a white monkey, I still would be offended." We wouldn't! They're adorable.

• The View [ABC]

Lyons was joined by his At the Movies co-conspirator, Ben Mankiewicz, to walk the ladies through their Oscar prognostications. Here is the short version: Ben M. loves Marisa Tomei, on account of her breasts, and Ben L. loves Christopher Nolan and Slumdog Millionaire hottie Freida Pinto, neither of which are nominated. Also, Joy Behar hates The Reader. HATES it. If The Reader were, say, a perky blond co-host, she would scream at it, "I will burn you down," because of the hatred.

Also enjoyable: when the Bens are asked whether there's ever been a tie between actors at the Oscars (there has, famously), and they both sit there awkwardly drawing a blank until Whoopi Goldberg saves them. Guess they haven't added that trivia to the Scene It? Box Office Smash DLC yet.

• The View [ABC]