If you're wondering "Why on earth is she going on The Today Show, out of the blue, with apparently no show business to promote, to announce this?" you're not alone, but it turns out Meredith was drawn out of her private life by tabloids who threatened to reveal her "secret," and decided to own the story herself. After three failed marriages, she realized seven years ago that she was a lesbian; she told her kids and friends, and was living openly with her partner, Nancy, without feeling any need to announce it publicly until the tabloid situation arose. So basically, it's really no big deal. But Meredith did say that she hopes that people who remember her from her Family Ties days (aww!) will think of her when issues of gay rights and social equality come up, and have a more open mind. In a week full of scandals and famewhores, Meredith's lack of sensationalism and matter-of-factness is refreshing. Below is the segment in its entirety (don't miss the weird part where Matt asks her if she had a "B-movie moment" in which she ran to the mirror screaming "I'm gay! I'm gay").

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It led her grandmother to die inside the walls of an asylum, which in turn caused her grandfather to take his own life a week later. Her mother then contracted the social disease. McCormick herself—while playing the perfect all-American girl on screen—was also secretly terrified that she too had caught it, counting down her last moments of sanity as she brushed her hair an obsessive 100 times. If that hasn't ruined The Brady Bunch for you forever, perhaps you'll be just as thrilled to learn that McCormick came thisclose to losing her virginity to Barry "Greg" Williams, that she also harbored a crush on her gay father, and that a casually tossed off comment about having kissed Jan (and liking it) has led to her estrangement from Eve Plumb. Harsha, harsha, harsha!

The interview:

• The Today Show

After lifting our jaw off the ground upon hearing Roker's response to the Griffin bump and grind ("Anyone got any cigarettes?"), we had to relocate our jaw once again as Griffin swiftly switched subjects to her hosting gig and, in a well-executed non-seguitur, finally said what has needed to be said about to-be rap star Ali Lohan for quite some time now. Explaining that she was given the job due to Ali and Dina Lohan's conflicting schedules (a joke, people, relax), she went ahead and launched our inner monologue right out into America's eardrums: "Yeah, Ali was busy doing her hip hop CD, because, you know, she’s white and 14 and lives on Long Island, so hip hop speaks to her." Oh Kathy. What was Woz thinking?

• THE TODAY SHOW [NBC]

As Natalie Morales' best week ever continues, the (also expecting) Today Show correspondent revealed yet another tidbit: Hoffman decided to let her (and, by extension, the entire world) know that the twins are due on August 19th. As Lost fans, we should probably go ahead and find out what secrets hide behind the numbers 8, 1, 9, and 19, but we don't have enough time (or shame) at the moment. With her privacy sufficiently invaded, Jolie let her guard down during a press conference in Cannes after a reporter asked where she planned on giving birth: "I actually haven't completely decided...We are certainly thinking of France." Which means she can finally check off another country on her International Soccer Team Nationality Map! Sadly for Sweden, Jolie isn't feeling the Scandinavian love right now: "Asked by a Swedish reporter if she'd consider giving birth in Sweden, Jolie responded, 'Not at this time... But, you never know, there's more babies.'" More babies? Where are "more babies" hiding and what bizarre names do they have? More importantly, do they attack The Chosen One with utensils like the rest of the team?

• ANGELINA'S TWINS ARE DUE AUG. 19 [People]
• ANGELINA JOLIE ALLUDES TO GIVING BIRTH IN FRANCE [Us]
• THE TODAY SHOW [MSNBC]

Whether she's introducing her audience to the magic of whiskey sours, or waxing enthusiastic about her love of vodka to Mer, or simply listing every single drink imaginable to poor perplexed Dave (um, did she really just say "wine spitzer"? We knew she had a funny bone, but among all the Luv Guv-related scandalicious terminology thrust at us from every media outlet we tune in to, that's gotta top our lists), Martha is no longer just the Queen of napkin-folding and flower arrangements. We're hiring her to bartend our next birthday party.

• THE MARTHA STEWART SHOW [Official Site]

Moments later, a pacified Meredith takes a look at a big ol' bottle of Bombay and announces, "I love the blue bottle!" Aging daytime diva antics aside, look out for an eerie moment when Martha's shaky robotic hand "chills" the martini glass. This is the first time we realized that not everything she touches turns to stone. Make sure to catch the end, when Meredith (are we sure she didn't down at least three of these things before taping?) utterly fails Straining 101, spilling ice cubes all over the set, herself and a visibly perturbed Martha. Shudder.