"Before Harlow came along, Nicole never had to worry about anything. All she did was party with her friends and go shopping...can't figure out if she's happier when she's home with the baby or hitting the town with her friends..."

Even when Nicole was just Paris' merrily chubby sidekick in 2004 (at left), we get the feeling that's a genuine smile. Whether or not substances had anything to do with it, girl is happy. And despite looking thisclose to snapping in half, Richie grinned while prancing down the beach in those infamous bikini pictures taken pre-Joel and Harlow. Finally, caught up in her new relationship and frequenting the party circuit like no other, it's obvious Nicole was always happiest when photographers aligning the red carpet shouted her name.

Fast-forward to present times. Pregnancy is supposed to give you that "glow" or whatever, but as we can see at left, Nicole looked far from overjoyed. And as for her activities, club-going has been replaced by glumly shopping for wrapping paper with the fiance. And most recently, having dropped the baby weight and looking just as thin as she ever did, a smile still can't be forced. Truth be told? We actually miss the old Nicole just as much as she does.

[Photo credits: X17, Splash, Getty]

• NICOLE TORN BETWEEN OLD LIFE, MOTHERHOOD [MSNBC]

Paris has always been thin, but a photo taken in late April showed the poptard looking just as eerily pin-thin as Nicole did during the height of her scary-skinny stage.

Though Nicole can't be credited with launching the gigantic granny glasses trend, she certainly had a major hand in popularizing it. And now, Paris is jumping on the bandwagon hardcore, wearing styles Nicole hasn't worn in years.

But most telling is Paris' recent choice of paramour: none other than Nicole's future hubby Joel Madden's brother Benji. Benji's always been the less appealing of the faux-punk brothers, mainly because Joel is taller and somehow a bit easier on the eyes. Plus he dated Hilary Duff, whereas Benji just dated that freaky-looking model Sophie Monk. But mirroring your newly hotter and happier BFF calls for desperate measures, and desperate measures Paris has officially taken.

[Photo credits: X17, Getty, Splash News]

• IS PARIS HILTON MORPHING INTO BEST FRIEND NICOLE RICHIE? [Daily Mail]

Despite being banned from the Academy Awards this weekend, the ever media savvy Paris found a way to make Oscar Sunday work to her advantage. She was spotted walking around the Barney's in Beverly Hills holding hands with Benji Madden, the less famous and even less talented twin brother of Nicole Richie impregnator, Joel. While we harbor no illusions that the mainstream media will do anything other than breathlessly report that the two are "dating", we're calling shenanigans on this faux-mance and branding it the least believable fake relationship since Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley. Speaking of which — only seven more months til the VMAs, you two!

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Paris Hilton Returning to Reality TV

The 79-year-old considered her 23-day sentence last month the last straw.

"He was, and is, extremely embarrassed by how the Hilton name has been sullied by Paris," says Jerry Oppenheimer, who wrote a biography of the clan called House Of Hilton.

"He now doesn't want to leave unearned wealth to his family."

Still, don't let this tragic end to Paris's career as an heiress send you down a pair of coke-pants. Hollywood is full of crazy assholes, and one of them wants to pay her to perform... in an opera, according to Var:

Hilton has joined Alexa Vega and Paul Sorvino in the cast of "Repo! The Genetic Opera," a full-blown musical thriller co-financed by "Saw" makers Twisted Pictures and Lionsgate.

Hilton will sing in a futuristic thriller framed around musical numbers that range from opera to rock. The setting is 2056, when a plague nearly destroys the human race and survival is dependent upon being able to finance a pricey organ transplant. [...]

Hilton plays a daughter of the organ transplant magnate (Sorvino) who is the villain of the piece.

"This movie has become my life," said Bousman. "I have auditioned at least 30 actresses for this role — Paris came in and owned it. She is this role."

No word yet on what they're putting in the water over at Lionsgate, nor whether a complimentary shot of Cuervo and a set of ear plugs will come with each ticket purchased. Still, it's apt casting: If we had to pick anyone in Hollywood to survive an apocalyptic plague along with all the cockroaches, we'd pick Paris. After all, by now that girl's probably immune to just about anything a tainted organ can give her.

• Paris and Nicole's 'Life' Ends [The Insider]
• Paris Hilton loses inheritance [news.com.au]
• Paris Hilton Poses For 'Repo' Gig [Variety.com]

Nicole Richie apparently upset a Los Angeles family during a taping of The Simple Life last week by stopping an 11-year-old boy in his driveway and asking him, in graphic terms, if he found her attractive.

Two camera operators and another crew taped the exchange, during which Richie used a profane word, the Associated Press reports.

The youngster's father subsequently refused to sign a release giving them permission to use the scene with his son. Instead he complained to the show's production company.

We're going to go out on a limb here and assume the question probably involved Richie asking the boy if she was something often referred to by the acronym "M.I.L.F." Lost in the shuffle was the boy's response, who after comparing Richie's goods to the comparative voluptuousness of his 5th grade classmates, regrettably had to answer in the negative.

• Nicole Richie's Comments Upset L.A. Family [People.com]
• Previously: Nicole Richie Finally Finds A Diet Doctor She Likes [Defamer]
• Previously: E! Adopts Bouncing Baby Bitches Of "The Simple Life" [Defamer]

The fourth season will have Hilton and Richie taking turns playing a "wife" and running households, with the family involved each week deciding which of the two did a better job.

If Hilton and Richie are still not talking, the format allows for filming to take place with each woman not coming into contact with the other, said Chris Alexander, spokesman for Twentieth Century Fox Television.

We imagine the license fees for the show, as well as the rights for the reruns of the first three seasons, were prohibitively high for a basic cable network. But with the savings realized from the cancellation of Taradise (legendary bar tabs, customs officer payoffs, bail), E!'s money people realized that not only was adopting Fox's discarded drama queens a solid programming decision, it was surprisingly cost effective.

• E! to Air 'The Simple Life' [AP]
• Previously: It s Official: Fox Makes Up Tidy Excuse For Cancelling The Simple Life [Defamer]

"At Fox, we have a unique mid-season situation. In January we have to accommodate two and one half hours of new programming with 24 and American Idol. We also have completed episodes of both scripted and unscripted series in the wings. We're enjoying solid performances by our returning shows and we've also already ordered full seasons of Prison Break, Bones and The War At Home. Collectively, we did not see a place for The Simple Life on our schedule this season."

Indeed, networks hate nothing more than trying to make room for successful, returning franchises starring free publicity machines in their guaranteed hit-packed midseason schedules, so we should take every word in the above release at face value. Oopsies! Sorry, gals, Fox forgot to leave room for your show!

• Simple Life No Longer Fox's Style [Broadcasting and Cable]
• Previously: “The Simple Life” Euthanized

The Simple Life has just been cancelled, the plug pulled smack in the middle of production of the reality show's third-season. The concept had been The Simple Wife, in which Paris and Nicole prepped to become loyal and devoted wives. But this marriage was already on the rocks since Paris and Nicole weren't talking to each other and wouldn't appear on camera together. Still, production soldiered on, with each star being filmed separately. The final blow, however, came when Paris aborted her engagement. Nicole and Paris – desperate housewives no more.

We must be strong and try to find the proverbial silver lining in this dark cloud of skank-cancellation despair. Here's one: Tara Reid's going to get one of her drinking buddies back! And as for the families eager to be destroyed on television, well, we can only hope that they'll find more traditional, less harmful ways to disintegrate, like domestic violence and alcoholism.

• Breaking (Up) News [WOW Report]
• Previously: Defamer Casting: Welcome Paris And Nicole Into Your Lesbian Home [Defamer]