It's all these Clinton-friending liberal rich people who keep getting into messes these days, isn't it? When's the last time you heard anything about rich Republican financiers and executives flying about the nation with models, fucking teenagers, and carrying on sex orgies with movie stars? Is it the liberal connection to godless Hollywood? Former United Artists CEO and Bush Super Ranger Jerry Weintraub stays out of the headlines. Ken Lay was busted for fraud, not massages.

Hell, maybe liberals just have more fun? That's the point of liberality, isn't it? Those European values, that subjective morality, the godless thing? Clinton was impeached for having too much fun in office. Nixon never had fun ever except when he got zonked on painkillers and insulted the Jews, which is not really anyone's idea of a truly good time. Epstein never saw anything wrong with what he did. He just likes massages!

But why the need to congregate around Burkle? To hang out with him? Why did Epstein and Chris Tucker need to fly around on Jeff's private jet? Why does Clinton need to fly around the world on everyone's private jet? Liberal types do like to improve the world, and the rich ones are narcissistic enough to believe that they can do it personally. So they network and party and fuck models while flying to Africa to cure AIDS! Conservative zillionaires just rack up huge profits, contribute money to candidates who can ensure that they'll continue to rack up huge profits, and mind their own fucking (criminal) business. The liberals need to have cake with Arianna Huffington and Bono, for some reason.

So it may just be that Burkle embodies these characteristics the most. The most narcissistic, the most convinced of his own rightness, the most desperate to network with powerful people in the hopes of reshaping the world.

And then they all get tied up in sex scandals and your house is foreclosed, the end.

Thus far, Riches star Minnie Driver has given the public three wildly different answers to anyone inquiring who knocked up the card-carrying member of that annoyingly massive Celebrity-Slash-Singer subset. Among the potential baby daddies she's flung out into the media’s clutches? The Easter Bunny, musician Craig Zolezzi, and yes, God him or herself. And six months into her pregnancy, Driver has defiantly and coyly kept her lips sealed, until now. In a recent interview with the UK’s Independent, she finally released two very telling details: the guy is British, and "sort of in the same business." Our guesses lie after the jump, but we leave it to you, loyal Defamer readers, to solve the mystery:

Eddie Izzard: Her co-star in The Riches, Izzard is a fellow musician, British, which makes him a strong candidate considering they're currently working together. Plus, he's a comedian, and as we know far too well, Minnie loves to cackle that piercing cackle of hers. But then again, he is a (former?) tranny...

Mick Jagger: Back in 2001, Minnie was seen "canoodling" with the legendary womanizing rocker and his magnetic torso. Plus, he's "sort of in the business," considering all those concert flicks, right?

Cary Elwes: The two starred in 2004's Ella Enchanted, and though no fling rumors surfaced, he's a Brit, very cute, and sadly, "sort of" in the biz mainly because the only movie that comes to our mind when his name is mentioned is Mel Brooks' cult classic Robin Hood: Men In Tights.

Pete Townshend: Well, he's British, he's in the music business, and they once sang together so...that's all folks!

Matt Damon: Um, well, after that whole "being dumped on Oprah" thing, we're thinking no to that one.

Now it's your turn to leave guesses in the comments.

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage]

• MINNIE ADVENTURE: MISS DRIVER TURNS HER ATTENTION TO COUNTRY MUSIC AND MOTHERHOOD [Independent]

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