1.) Adderall!

2.) The Stanky Leg

3.) Lil' Monkey

4.) Big Brother's Impeccable Montage Editing

5.) NYC Prep Schadenfreude

6.) Fox News' "Liberal" Views On Pole Dancing
(It doesn't count as "pole dancing" if you're using the pole for balance. Fair and balanced.)

7.) Good News for Gays
They have your kind in Wasilla, and Levi doesn't mind 'em.

8.) Gay Bitch

9.) La Toya: "There's Not Enough Aid For AIDS."
She is manic!

10.) A Hooker/Pimp Relationship Gone Awry?

Whoa, time warp. Remember those glittery old 1990s nights when you'd watch 90210 and then, right after, there would be Melrose Place waiting for you—a bitchy, bruised little giftbox. Well, in my case, in the early years at least, that only happened if the babysitter let me stay up. But still! We will soon get to relive those old days, only in a way shittier way! At the CW's upfronts yesterday they revealed that, yes, in fact, the new MP reboot will air on Tuesday nights right after the new, horrible 90210. So let your kids stay up late. Who knows, one day they could grow up to be gossip bloggers. Proud parents! [Variety]

Oh this sounds good. Rosario Dawson has just signed on to play opposite Kevin James in the romantic comedy The Zookeeper. The film is a about, um, a zookeeper whose animals teach him how to meet the ladies. Leslie Bibb from Popular is gonna be in it too. [Variety]

TNT is making a play to become the sixth major network, even though it's still stuck with that ugly basic-cable label. They held their own upfronts yesterday with notables like Dylan McDermott on hand to plug their cop dramas. In the upcoming months we may also see a Steven Spielberg-produced drama about aliens, a drama about a "down-on-his-luck" attorney, and a Kyra Sedgwick/Kevin Bacon-produced drama about a small town Texas sheriff called Zapata, Texas. TNT knows drama! Especially if it's half-baked brooding crime drama. [THR]

Roadside Attractions has picked up distrib rights to Happy Tears, which stars Demi Moore, Parker Posey, Rip Torn, and Ellen Barkin. Seeing as it's an indie and it's called Happy Tears, any guesses what it's about? Yep. You guessed it. It's about a wackily dysfunctional family. It comes out early next year. [THR]

Ohhh girl, get your reality on! The 22nd installment of MTV's syphilis-ridden warhorse The Real World will premiere on June 24th. The season is set in beautiful Cancun, Mexico and, since we haven't read any news reports about a tanned body full of booze turning up in a ditch outside Puerto Morelos, we'll just assume that Bryannica's case is still considered a "voluntary disappearance" by the Mexian authorities. [Variety]

The Sag Wars are heating up again. Which side will you fall on? Will you side with history? Are you willing to die by the SAG sword? Kate Walsh says vote yes. Do you really want to be on the losing side if Kate Walsh is victorious? She's a bloodthirsty maniac, hellbent on creating nothing less than global chaos and misery, after all. I mean, have you seen that show Private Practice? [Variety]

There was a prank war and the girls decided to fuck with the boys' food and there was much spitting and sputtering out of milk and cereal and suspicious chicken. (My new detective-themed restaurant idea: Dr. Mystery's Suspicion Chicken. Investors?) Naturally, the boys had to freak out and blow things wayyyy out of proportion until JD had another crazy blowdown and got all ups in Sara's face, yelling at her like she hadn't jumped through the hoop or waved her sad little flipper at the money-paying Seaquarium guests well enough. So it suddenly became embarrassing. As Ryan raged and said hateful things and JD stormed around with a shotgun, picking off anyone he could find.

In the morning, though, on their last day... Everything was peaceful and forgotten. You really got a sense that the girls had bonded. So that was nice. Everyone said their goodbyes and MTV orchestrated their always-cruel-but-soaring-and-poetic one roommate leaves at time thing and there were tears and sad, hopeful songs about growing and experience and you think, because you've had a gallon of wines to drink the night before and here you are in your pajamas in Brooklyn eating toast, you think... This is why people are alive! To miss each other.

Not much else really happened in the final outing. Pranks were pulled, voices were raised, quiet and burning loves were shuttered up and sheet covered, like old summer houses. (I had a writing teacher in college who would kill me right now for using all those passives, but evs! I ain't in college no more!)

Indeed no one is in college no more. Scott and Devyn and Baya all decided that they wanted to stay in New York and that they love each other more than the stars and the moon and the planets and the heavens so they'd like to marry and live together in a beautiful New York City apartment. And they found one! These crazy youngsters. They pooled together all their wrinkled dollar bills in an old top hat and set off, skipping and dancing like some street-wise urchins in a musical, to conquer that great Big Apple. Worms! They were worms! And they found a place. A little corner. A little ground to stake a claim. A piece of the pie. Where? "On fifteenth and first street," was what Scott said. Which. Hah. That doesn't exist, Scott. There is no 15th Avenue. I wish there was! It'd be a party every day on 15th Avenue, where the girls are pretty and the boys don't come back from war in pieces and there's always bossa nova playing and we all wear hats, on 15th Avenue! On 15th Avenue you'll find the love of your life and days won't be soggy and full of worry anymore, and sometimes there will be ice cream. All the kids play baseball and the old-timers die together, here on the one five.

So that's where they're going. Katelynn will disappear into the occluding dusk of Montana, where she will do computers and various men, her soft, horsey hair billowing in the stiff mountainy air. Almost to Canada!, it will seem to say as it reaches North. Sara will continue her bumbling days over in cloudy San Francisco, a city of hills and bridges, of tunnels and turnarounds. A place where you don't have to be gay if you don't wanna be, but man oh man does it sure ever help. JD will go on to feed fish to more squiggly, waterlogged mammals. And when he's not dating, he'll work with dolphins.

Chet will still be hopelessly in love with Ryan. The final episode was just jam-packed with tearful declarations of boy love for one another, all thumpy embraces and gay panic jokes. And while Ryan—who as a military vet has seen his fair share of tough times bromancery—can easily laugh it off, something small and true and hard has lumped in Chet's ribcage. Something's come loose and is rattling around that body, which Chet tries to keep all tight and orderly and contained with his skinny jeans and form-fitting T-shirts. But passion and desire are inescapable witches, dear Chet. Even for someone who's been blessed by the angel Moroni. What sad ephemeral lives we lead! Chet, seize the day. Just kiss him. Just to see what it feels like.

And Ryan. So, OK. There was a reunion special after the finale? And everyone showed up? Including Ryan? In short hair and fatigues? And swoon? It was terrific. That wicked dancing minx Baya has apparently snatched him up. See RyRy and Bella broke up, because she ran off with a vampire. But Ryan has been visiting his friends a lot in NYC and one thing led to another and now he and Baya are bumpin' uglies like no two roommates ever should. Ryan ships out back to Iraq two weeks from yesterday. Scary.

Also on the reunion: JD is still crazy, Katelynn still likes to talk in blackspeak, and Chet doesn't like it when you make fun of Jesus. Because Jesus is a real-life space angel who talks to people in Utah and tells them to send money to a place a few states over where two loving, committed people are trying to get married. And you need to send that money so you can stop them. Because if you don't, then Jesus Space-Angel is going to get mad and he won't send you any more nourishing Moon Rays or Calamity Pies. So that's that. Don't make fun of that hallowed and precious religions, Sara.

These are the extremely hungover ramblings of a crazy person at this point. So I'm going to wrap it up. But before we go, before we fritter off into the remains of this spring day, lost and alone as always, let's ask ourselves: What did we learn? How did we grow from watching this curious, muted, issue-y, reinvigorating, possibly game-changing, but more possibly just plain dull season of The Real World?

We learned that love is a universal language. That everyone can speak it, and that anyone, if they want to, can understand it. And no barrier—political, ideological, or otherwise—should ever come between that. We learned that being an ex-lesbian hippie punker chick from SanFran doesn't make you automatically cool. We learned that dolphin trainers have the shortest tempers, because theirs is a dangerous, yet terribly, terribly necessary, profession. We learned that people who don't know how to spell the names Devin and Caitlin correctly will often yak your ear off with little to no point. We learned that beefy boys from New England are basically like beefy boys from anywhere else, just with funny accents. We learned that Dance (and groove) is in the heart. But if it's not also in the feet, you won't make it as a professional (sick beats!). We learned that TRL was canceled.

And we learned that war is tough, and that war sucks, and that war is what old people wage on the young because they are cruel and jealous and drunk with meaningless power. We learned that war swallows up not just those it kills, but those who survive it. We learned that Change doesn't always come immediately.

We learned that the name of Brooklyn is best not whispered in whitey cafes, but rather chanted and yelled by choruses of African Americans. We learned that Red Hook is perched atop a beautiful, glittering sea. We learned that the world is neither real nor made-up, but is absolutely worth being a part of. We learned that Wednesday nights could definitely have been spent better. But they also could have been spent worse.

And we learned the word "blowdown." And that, I think, is the most important thing.

Until next time! Until Cancun! Mexico!

The company, which has produced all 257 seasons of Real World as well as other reality dreck, has put an ad on EntertainmentCareers.net looking for a "FULL TIME" production accountant for an as-yet-unnamed reality series filming in the Beltway area:

Really this makes complete sense. Ever since Barry O. came shuffling up to politics, his groundswell populist hat in hand, DC is a cool, inspiring, exciting place to be. You couldn't have been a bigger square in squaresville if you lived and worked in the city during Bush's millennium kick-off reign of terror. But now everyone wants in. The cast mates could be, like, political volunteers or something! Imagine the effect! The change! The hope!

For those in need of refresher, the 22 seasons thus far have been: New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, London, Miami, Boston, Seattle, Hawaii, New Orleans, Back to New York, Chicago, Las Vegas, Paris, San Diego, Philly, Austin, Key West (srsly), Denver, Sydney, Hollywood, Crooklyn.

So:

Drew Barrymore and her on-again, off-again puppy-ish ex-boyfriend Justin Long are set to star in a romantic comedy together, this one about long distance relationships. And if by "long distance" they mean the distance between canyons, like troughs of a wave, and how far away the isolation of fame can make you feel even when you're standing right next to someone, then I'm sure they'll both really bring something to their roles. [Variety] State of Play director Kevin Macdonald will travel a long distance... back in time, to direct The Eagle of the Ninth, a Roman-times story starring Jamie "Billy Elliot" Bell and possibly Channing "Shut Your Mouth and Drop Your Trousers" Tatum. Promisingly, the logline begins as such: "a wounded Roman soldier and his loyal Celtic slave..." Hm. [Variety]

Some British lad has joined the cast of the new Twilight movie, called Staking 2: Hectic Hullabaloo. Jamie Campbell-Bower, from Sweeney Todd, will play one of the Voltrons, an Italian clan of vampyrs. [Variety] Zack Snyder's "Alice in Wonderland with machine guns" Sucker Punch has found its lead. Emily Browning, that little girl from Lemony Snicket, will play an asylum inmate who creates a violent fantasy world in her head. She's joins such acting luminaries as Abbie Cornish and Vanessa Hudgens. [Variety]

Those tangled up in the flailing New York City film industry can step back from the ledge for just a second. New York State legislature has voted to extend the lucrative tax break program that buoyed the local industry for another $350 million worth of tax credits. TV shows looking to film in New York may be deterred by the new conditions of the program, though, as the credits are not open-ended. There are also strict limitations on how much of a break each production can receive. But still. Good news. [Variety]

The still reliably-employed Lucy Lawless has landed a new gig, one that returns her to familiar ground. She'll again be working with Xena: Warrior Princess creators Rob Tapert and Sam Raimi, this time on a series (for Starz, sigh) called Spartacus. She'll play the tough bosslady of a camp of gladiators. This comely fellow will play the title role. [Variety] Speaking of comely fellows, NBC and DirecTV have renewed their laboriously-praised joint venture Friday Night Lights for two more seasons. So more of Riggins and Hoodad and Whatshisnuts, ladies. Go team! [Variety]

The Wackness director Jonathan Levine is directing a movie for Fox Atomic about a babysitter. No, it's not some big-breasted young lady who gets horribly taunted and murdered, it's a boy who has funny things happen to him! The Sitter, which "will harken back to Adventures In Babysitting", is about a college student suspended for a semester who returns home to live with his moms. Then he has to babysit. Hilarity ensues. [THR]

MTV has ordered four more seasons of its crazy old coot of a series The Real World. This will bring the total for the 17-year-old reality thing to a haunting 26 cycles. The producers are currently filming a Cancun-set season, so where will these four new installments take place? Atlanta? Dallas/Houston? St. Louis? Orlando? Adamsville, RI? Emblem, WO? What do you think? Oh, also... four more seasons of Road Rules, too. So. [THR]

1. Revamp Daria for the Hills crowd: By spotlighting Daria's popular sister Quinn, the show could be retrofitted to attract iconoclasts and super sweet sixteens alike! As commenter Jill Tyrrell said, "They could totally put Daria back in syndication on MTV, and re-name it Quinn or Fashion Club. It'd be like The Hills, in cartoon form! All the LC-Conradettes out there would go crazy for it. 'I love Quinn! She is lyk soooooo awesome! I soooo wanna be in the Fashion Club! But why is that four-eyed lesbo bitch Daria always being to mean to her????'"

2. Hire new casting directors for The Real World: Commenter Antonella fondly recalled that in its early seasons, The Real World "was less about drunken hook ups at celebutard wannabes and more about...well, real people." MTV has proven that ordinary people can still be compelling — just check out the gangly, awkward teens of The Paper — so why does The Real World have to be cast exclusively with musclebound meatheads who can hold a barbell longer than they can hold our interest?

3. Don't Be Bashful About Stoking Nostalgia: VH1 Classic is all well and good, but how about this suggestion from Dave J.: "They should have a 'MTV: Origins' channel or whatever, and only show original programming from back in the day (pre-Real World) and actual music videos from start to finish, and then see how it does ratings wise vs. the actual MTV. It probably wouldn't do as well, but I bet it would do better than Viacom thinks." Dave, anything that might presage a Sifl & Olly revival is OK by us.

4. Leave music video commentary to the professionals: Virtually the only time you're assured of seeing music videos on MTV is during the show FNMTV, which premieres the videos alongside instant viewer feedback sent from MTV.com. While that's all well and good, the peanut gallery isn't likely to provide masterfully crafted insults a la Julie Brown or Beavis & Butthead. Commenter derby reminded us of the amazing special MTV Lame, when a countdown of the network's worst videos ever was hosted by a dream team of comedy including Jon Stewart, Janeane Garofalo, Denis Leary, and Chris Kattan. FNMTV may be interactive, but only on a special like MTV Lame can you see Vanilla Ice menace Jon Stewart with a baseball bat.

5. Begin a Lionel Richie channel: Could it be that MTV had the means to their salvation all along? As floated by crescentia and seconded by 30f, a Lionel Richie channel (with marathon reruns of the music video for "Hello") could be an epic ratings win. Hey, it would at least outdraw Buzzin'.

• PREVIOUSLY: 7 MTV-Defining Stars Who Wouldn't Be Allowed on MTV Anymore [Defamer]

Pedro Zamora: Before The Real World became principally concerned with two things (castmate hookups, and acting as a feeder for the better-rated Challenges), it was filled with the sort of people who had never been seen on TV before — something reality TV can excel at, if it wants to. One of those people was Pedro Zamora, a gay, HIV-positive educator who died the day after his last episode aired on MTV. No less than President Clinton praised Zamora for giving the country a personal look into those living with the disease.

Why He Wouldn't Be Allowed on MTV Now: Who would he be able to hook up with?

Daria: It's hard to imagine, but MTV used to relate more to outcasts than potential prom kings and queens — and there was no one more acerbic than Daria Morgendorffer.

Why She Wouldn't Be Allowed on MTV Now: Not willing to make out with other girls.

Julie Brown: No, not the VJ famous for saying "Wubba Wubba," but the comedienne who hosted the outlandish Just Say Julie from 1989 to 1992. Absolutely everything on the network was fair game to her (long before Beavis & Butthead, she was playing music videos just to mock them), and she satirized sacred cows like Madonna and her own Valley Girl image with impunity.

Why She Wouldn't Be Allowed on MTV Now: According to this site, Brown was born in 1954, which meant she turned 35 during the first season of her show. 35! Can you even imagine MTV handing a show to a 35 year-old woman now? They'd sooner give the VMAs back to the Wayans brothers.

Tabitha Soren: It may be hard to believe, but there was a point when the MTV News reporter pictured above was derided as nothing more than a shameless attempt to sex up the news. Nowadays, even your local news anchor resembles Jenna Jameson.

Why She Wouldn't Be Allowed on MTV Now: Only male news personalities are allowed to grow old gracefully on MTV. And by "gracefully," we mean that despite pushing fifty, they are expected to dye their hair and dress like members of Good Charlotte.

Kurt Cobain: The frontman of Nirvana ushered in an age devoid of pop singers and boybands, where nerdy, unconventional acts like Radiohead and Bjork were given common rotation for their groundbreaking videos.

Why He Wouldn't Be Allowed on MTV Now: It's hard to break out as a music video star when you're relegated to 30-second clips playing alongside the end credits for Run's House.

The Kabel typeface: There may be nothing better associated with MTV than this iconic typeface, which was used to intro and outro every single video (and was phased out last year).

Why It Wouldn't Be Allowed on MTV Now: No more videos to intro and outro. Which brings us to our last item...

Music Videos: When Justin Timberlake won an award at last year's VMAs, he finished his MTV-dissecting speech by yelling, "Play more damn videos!" Sorry Justin, you're going to have to get your music videos the same way the rest of us do now: on YouTube, at 3am, after a drunken search for Arrested Development's "Tennessee" ends with a lonely, mangled singalong.

As cinematic as Sarah's tour de puke through Hollywood appears, things get far more interesting back at the apartment, when Greg replacement Nick takes Sarah's face-in-a-bucket moment of fame as an opportunity to snap some pictures. Sarah's comeback? "Who do you think you are, Charles Barkley?!" Yeah! Um, wait. Charles Barkley? The Round Mound Of Rebound? If we were attempting to dis someone by drunkenly shouting out the name of a marginally talented photographer, we would've likely screamed out William Wegman, Anne Geddes or even The Cobrasnake before spitting out the name Charles Barkley, but that's just us.

• GOOD GIRL GONE BAD [AOL]

3. David, Real World Season 2: Los Angeles. After the show's engaging premiere in New York, MTV headed west and cast David Edwards, a comedian from D.C. who had a habit of lashing out at two of his female roommates, solidifying the reality show's trend of (unintentionally, we hope) planting the stereotypical "angry black man" in seasons to come. The eviction occurred after David decided to yank the blankets off his roommate Tami's bed after she insisted she was naked and said no. He thought it was "funny." She famously disagreed, saying that "It wasn't! Not! Funny!" And yes, it was wrong, but in the end, it was, indeed, funny.

2: Ruthie, Real World Season 8: Hawaii. Surely one of the most frightening string of episodes in RW history, Ruthie was the chronic alcoholic who passed out so many times in bars, eventually leading to her stomach being pumped and a whole bunch of sloppy naked "sobering" shower scenes, all of which were very entertaining. Plus, she was a cool chick. After she was filmed drunk driving away from a bar, the producers asked her to get help, she was allowed to return, though not nearly as fun to watch.

1. Puck, Real World Season 3: San Francisco. What would the Real World be in television history without Puck? Verbally abusive, homophobic, violent, sexist and hated by his roommates and America, he was intensely watchable. At the very least, the season did have Pedro's AIDS storyline to keep the show alive, but what the Puck? :

• KICKED TO THE CURB [AOL]

Unfortunately, the Bash won't be all slurred insults masquerading as good-natured roast material; MTV plans to "show how the series brought attention to socially-important causes, including AIDS, racism, homophobia, addiction, abortion and eating disorders," probably in the form of a minute-long montage that the producers will quickly abandon in favor of the weave-endangering catfight spontaneously breaking out between two disappointed runners-up.

• Real World Awards [MTV.com]

But wait, there's more!

In an attempt to embrace the trendy eco-consciousness of their Hollywood backdrop, this installment will be [caution, overused buzzword ahead] "going green," from the composition of the house's accessibly funky home furnishings to the way the show is shot. From a press release posted on the Franklin Avenue blog:

"The Real World" house will include everything from solar energy solutions to bamboo flooring, recycled glass counters, some sustainable furniture and recycled vintage décor, energy star appliances, a solar heated swimming pool and energy efficient lighting.

Additionally, Bunim-Murray Productions has taken measures to reduce its environmental impact by adopting more environmentally-sound production practices on set. They also are working towards making the production and show carbon-neutral by offsetting remaining carbon emissions after these carbon reducing measures are applied. Eco-friendly elements will be added on a regular basis throughout production and within the show, including products seen with the cast and around the house...

Among the greatest eco-challenges facing the roommates will be the nightly selection of a designated driver for the sole Prius provided to ferry them to their drunken adventures in Hollywood, and dealing with the half-hour of vigorous hand-cranking necessary to power the energy-conserving motor on their hot tub, physical exertion that will threaten to sober the roommates up before they can engage in the ill-considered sexual activities that so efficiently provide the drama that powers the show.

• "The Real World" Returns to Los Angeles, 14 Years Later [Franklin Avenue]