Seriously, we're already sick of these two insufferable lovebirds. The engraved invitation was sent to all of America today by Entertainment Weekly which announced the date in a website tease to their cover story that comes out this week. Speculation and spoilers about their nuptials have been buzzing about the internet for months now. Know what? It's stupid.

Jim and Pam are everyman anchors in a sitcom full of crazy people. That makes them just like the cashiers at the supermarket: you're glad that they're there, you have to be nice to them, but you really don't care about what happens to them outside of work. Whether or not they get married seems to have the impact of answering, "Paper or plastic?"

And their drawn out relationship has been going on for five years now. They're a bigger cocktease than Sally Gregoridas, the girl in the 5th grade who would make everyone play spin the bottle, but then wouldn't kiss anyone when the empty two liter of Diet Coke pointed its cap of romance in her direction. Christ, it took them two years just to freakin' kiss! And now their engagement, which has been prolonged since last season's premiere, is the same way .The run up to the ceremony is going to be a drawn-out string of leaked photos, half-hidden promos, and mild exposés in an attempt to goose the show's ratings.

The other reason we hate sitcom weddings is the same reason we hate when celebrities go to rehab, because all the fun stuff has already happened. What's left for them to do? They'll have their kid and be parents, maybe one will cheat on the other or they'll get divorced and then back together again, but their story arc doesn't have many possibilities now that they're together (hear that, Sex and the City sequel?). It's just more of the same push and pull on the heartstrings. That's why soap opera "supercouples" have to get married five and six times. That's the only way to keep things exciting and fresh. At this point Jim and Pam are about as fresh as hearing "Summer Breeze" while standing in line at the DMV, which we would rather do than sit around and listen to people coo about their seating chart.

Mad Men
Returns August 16 [AMC]
Yes, that means you only have six days to watch the DVDs of the first two seasons of the show that you've been telling everyone you already watch, even though you don't. You better get hip with Don Draper or else everyone is going to laugh at you.

Top Chef
Returns August 19 [Bravo]
Well, if Bravo can't have a whole show with hot skinny models in crazy dresses, at least they can have Padma Lakshmi when she returns with her cavalcade of chefs who will call each other names and cook up a bunch of shit that would taste better than the mac 'n' cheese from a box you eat while watching.

Project Runway
Returns August 20 [Lifetime]
With the switch in networks, this show is now officially for women (and gay men). The premiere kicks off with an all-star edition and then there is a show about the models directly afterward. After that, probably Golden Girls reruns or some shit.

Melrose Place
Starts September 8 [CW]
Just in time to make us feel old, the '90s are back—and so are Jo, Michael, Jane, and Syndey! Ashlee Simpson is sure to blow this place up. Literally! She'll probably be planting a bomb in the first episode. Oh Melrose, we missed you.

America's Next Top Model
Returns September 9 [CW]
Though Tyra insists on calling it a "cycle" she's back with a whole new batch of bitches. Even if you ignore the rest of the season, tune in for the premiere, just to see what sort of drag queen madness Tyraparades around in. It always looks like the world's biggest budget public access show.

Glee
Starts September 9 [Fox]
You saw the pilot way back in May and there are already new musical numbers. It's like this high-school-musical-theater-nerd dramedy has been here all along. This is either the next Cop Rock or the next My So-Called Life, so catch the early episodes.

Vampire Diaries
Starts September 10 [CW]
Ok, you have have to watch this because vampires are so hot right now and if you don't, 14 year-old girls will mock you. This is the CW show about teenagers who stay up all night because they're undead, not because they're coked up at Butter.

Gossip Girl
Returns September 14 [CW]
You'd think that now that everyone made it to college they'd change. But watch the new promo. Blair gets bitchy, Chuck gets laid, Serena gets naked, Dan gets clueless, Vanessa gets ignored. Some things never change.

The Office
Returns September 17 [NBC]
What's up with Jim and Pam? We gave up. We'd much rather just watch Steve Carell make an ass of himself.

30 Rock
Returns October 15 [NBC]
NBC is so mean! Why is they going to make us wait until October for new episodes? We would boycott if we could survive without Tina Fey and her tiny little glasses. You will not laugh at anything on television until then. Sorry.

Lost
Early 2010 [ABC]
What, they can't set a date? Does everything with this show have to be a fucking mystery?

Yes, I Did Say Parks & Recreation
Anyone who dismissed this show after its first sorta underwhelming episode made a mistake. The show has only gotten tighter and sharper, culminating in last night's funny/sad finale. Leslie got kissed, Chris Pratt got his casts off, and Tom Haverford introduced us to his shockingly attractive wife. We love the small, wistful pacing and joke-making of this show. It's not quite as broad and Commedia Dell'arte as The Office. There's something wiser and a bit more weary at work here, especially in Amy Poehler's outta-the-park performance. Her scenes with her old man date were pitch-perfect and just a bit sorrowful, and the almost-at-the-end scene of her and Mark sitting by the pit, near about to kiss, was a heartbreaking little study in rumpled adults being rumpled adults. We're very glad this show got picked up for a second season.

The Office, Who Knew?
Though the season started off pretty weak and we started to write the show off, suddenly something changed or reversed. Everything from the Michael Scott Paper Company on has been basically golden. Though it was a bit of a logistical stretch to have all the branches coming together in one central place for the Dunder Mifflin corporate picnic last night, it was still an ingenious set up and a nice reminder that, even though we're all these seasons in, the writers can still come up with a scenario that feels familiar and banal but, you know, funny. Pam's volleyball prowess was charming where it would have been cloying just a few episodes ago, Michael and Holly (I mean, really, Steve Carell and the ridiculously wonderful Amy Ryan) have such touchingly awkward chemistry, Dwight's weirdo best friend was jolting and gonzo, while Stanley's little aside about not normally enjoying the theater elicited a loud hoot. Plus, you know, Jim and Pam and a baby! Has John Krasinksi ever actually acted like that on the show before? He should do it more often.

30 Rock, Of Course
This show has been on a steady climb most of the season, though this episode, for us, fell just slightly short of some of the other recent installments. Maybe it's because we don't really like music jokes all that much, because we're lame. That aside, Chris Parnell's brilliantly insane Dr. Spaceman is always welcome ("maybe it's the hard K sound that's getting me...") and "sexually transmitted crazy mouth" should enter the lexicon. Plus: Kenneth getting religiousy about science class, "Rainstorm Katrina," and the gay kid at graduation bit ("Who told?") all killed. If the closing, kinda-creaky "We Are the World" joke at the end felt a bit flat to you, well, you're not alone. But all the rest considered, it certainly wasn't a deal breaker.

Sure Greg Daniels created both, and both are mockumentary-style workplace non-laugh-trackers. But the similarities stop there. Observe:

Gender Studies
Michael Scott on The Office is a bumbling, self-important man. Leslie Knope on Parks & Recreation is a bumbling, self-important lady. Huge comedy differences there. (No, really, there are, but I don't want to get into some sort of Christopher Hitchens debate right now.)

Color Wars
The Office's non-African-American brown character, Kelly, is a total Valley Girl, but also Indian. Parks & Recreation's, Tom, is a self-described redneck who is also... Libyan? (That uncertainty was a joke last night.)

Pro Fatties
The Office has large-and-only-occasionally-in-charge Stanley and Phyllis. Parks & Recreation has only one full-figured person, an as-yet-unheard-from coworker. She's black, like Stanley, but a lady, like Phyllis! Two birds.

The Rashida Jones
On The Office, Jones played Karen Filippelli, a sassy in a soft sarcastic way paper saleswoman. On Parks & Recreation she plays Ann Perkins, a sassy in a soft sarcastic way nurse. Nurse vs. Paper saleswoman? That's like comparing Mothra and Rodan.

Location, Location, Location
Scranton, PA is a very real-life hell hole of boringness and creeping economic decline. Its name is a joke, but it's a very real place. Joe Biden once killed a man there, just to watch him die. Pawnee, IN—where Parks takes place—is a totally made up town in the southeast section of that boring state, tinged we imagine with creeping economic decline but, because it's fake, not an immediate ha-ha joke. Except, you know, in the usual "Indiana? Heh." kind of way.

But seriously, we actually did like the show. And who cares if they're similar? If one's good, two must be great! Right?

Jump-cut proficient director Tony Scott has signed on to helm Unstoppable, a thriller about a runaway train that's full of dangerous radioactive goop. The engineer (Denzel? Will?) and the conductor (Dakota Fanning?) find themselves in a "race against time" to stop the goop from gooping out all over everybody. Everyone else is villains. [Variety] On-set freakout proficient director David O. Russell has signed up for The Silver Linings Playbook, based on the novel about a sadsack high school teacher who goes to live with his mom after being released from the nut house. [Variety]

Kathy Bates has joined Sandra Bullock in a drama called The Blind Side, about a hobo who learns to play football. And, to love. [Variety] Emma Stone, a future tabloid queen who we want to have a beer with will star in Easy A for Screen Gems. The comedy is about a high school student who, while reading Nathaniel Hawthorne's book-of-the-movie based on Demi Moore's The Scarlet Letter, decides to pretend she's the school slut so she'll be popular. How one only pretends to be a loose woman is unclear to us. [Variety]

Matthew McConaughey (introduced hilariously by Variety as "Fool's Gold thesp") has signed on to be maybe a little serious for once in his goddamned, sun-poisoned life. He'll play the lead in the legal thriller The Lincoln Lawyer, about an attorney made of logs. Or something. [Variety] In other encouraging movie news, presumed blockbusters like Transformers 3 and The Avengers are securing release dates even though nothing has been signed off on them, nor do they even have scripts. So. Good. [Variety]

Bet there's a money-fight going on right now at Dunder Mifflin. NBC has secured lucrative syndication deals for The Office in all 50 top markets across the US. The comedy will air on Fox affiliates this fall. [THR] ABC has cut its 13-episode order of freshman sitcom In the Motherhood to just 6 for this season. The show premiered last Thursday to low-ish (6.7 million) ratings. [Variety]

You won't have to drive over to the Ruby Tuesday's to watch fat people dating each other anymore. No, Fox is developing a reality dating show called More to Love. Fox alternative programming prez Mike Darnell says of the show, in a statement sure to haunt him in the afterlife: "For six years it's been skinny-minis and good-looking bachelors, and that's not what the dating world looks like. Why don't real women — the women who watch these shows, for the most part — have a chance to find love too?" It's true, America. Our real, fat, Bachelor-watching citizenry needs fake, sad reality show love too. Me, I'm just hoping this opens the door for Fat Real World and Fat Housewives of Fat City USA Population: You. [THR]

Meanwhile Survivor guru Mark Burnett is joining ABC in an unholy alliance to produce Shark Tank, an adaptation of a British reality show that is itself an adaptation of a Japanese reality show about rich tycoons giving struggling entrepreneurs money. In this economy! [THR]

Enjoy this trailer for The Office - A XXX Parody, which may actually shoot in the same San Fernando Valley warehouses as the Steve Carell-toplined original. In this version (produced by New Sensations), Michael Scott is the busty, blond "Michelle," and the prolonged romantic tension between "Jim" and "Pam" is resolved when the former finally comes on the latter's face (we can already hear all the Jam fangirls squeeing in anticipation!). Greg Daniels, forget about that planned Office spinoff—we've found something even better (though we're a little afraid of the inevitable super-sizing).

• “That Is ACTUALLY What She Said”: Introducing The Office Porn [BWE]

The three stars reportedly filmed their appearances today, all of which are featured in a bootlegged Hollywood movie that the Dunder-Mifflin staff attempts to watch during the workday. Few other details are known beyond the high likelihood that ABC's counterattack will still probably win Feb. 1 on the sure-fire appeal of its 2008 hit Inbred Obstacle Course All-Stars: Breasts Edition. Expect guest-star firings by Ben Silverman just for the sake of it.

• Jessica Alba Comes to 'The Office'! [E!]

Though it looked for a while like Wipeout may have its lowest-common-denominator license revoked for any number of intellectual-property infractions, that day won't come soon enough for NBC, which will be forced to stave off what THR calls "one of the most ambitious Super Bowl Sunday programming plans ever mounted by a non-host network." And yes, let's face it: If Pop Culture Doomsday has proven anything, it's that inbreds falling off padded balls (with NFL retiree-commentary) is the definitive sophistication Americans crave between football halves.

And as for counterprogramming against The Office? Boobs, naturally:

ABC will air an hourlong Wipeout in which cheerleaders compete against male "couch potato" sports fans. [...] "It's broadcast's biggest day, and this is a big mass-market show, and it's fun to be able to participate and be a part of it," said John Saade, senior vp alternative programming at ABC. "This will put Wipeout back in the public's consciousness between runs, and we plan to have a lot of fun with it."

Meanwhile at NBC, Jeff Zucker is hoping the Japanese can pick up the pace on that Wipeout injunction, lest he be forced to augment his own gameday programming with the stakes-upping, fan-friendly halftime act tested out earlier this year in New York. You don't know what this guy is capable of when he's cornered.

• 'Wipeout' special set for Super Sunday [Source]

Dexter, Friday Night Lights, Lost, Mad Men and The Wire occupy this year's dramatic category, with Lost filling in for 2008 retiree The Sopranos. (Dexter was the only one of the nominees to earn an episode nod as well.) In comedy, 30 Rock, Entourage, The Office, The Simpsons and Weeds earned nods, with the latter two filling in for HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm and Flight of the Conchords, which return to the network next year. Emmy surprise Breaking Bad drew three nominations, including one for Best New Series, for which it'll compete against Fringe, In Treatment, Life on Mars and True Blood.

Pretty much all the late-night shows that get nominated for everything else were recognized today as well, with Conan, Letterman, Real Time, SNL, The Colbert Report and The Daily Show vying for Best Comedy/Variety Series. The awards will be announced Feb. 7; the full listing is available at the WGA's site. Good luck to all, and enjoy it while you can, Weeds.

• 2009 Writers Guild Awards [WGA]

Taking part in Aimee Mann's annual, guest star-studded Christmas show at the Wiltern, Krasinski joined the chanteuse for a self-effacing round of "Winter Wonderland." His throaty duet gave hope to all those karaoke singers in the audience that the only that thing separated them from an onstage performance with Mann was the simple matter of television fame and fortune. Still, we did detect a bit of chemistry between John and Aimee, and was that an aborted, awkward hug we saw in the works at one point? Careful, John — Michael Penn's in the warehouse, and he's ready to thrown down.

"The Office is keeping me pretty busy," Rainn told us at the Tisch School of Performing Art's annual fundraiser in New York. "We just shot 13 episodes in 17 weeks," he said.

"Most TV shows make 22 episodes in a year — so we made that in just over three months."

So what's the rush to rack up episodes of the smash hit mockumentary?

"It's NBC and their lack of programing," he explained. "They're milking their golden goose, to mix a couple of metaphors."

Upon hearing news of Wilson's mutinous feelings, NBC head Ben Silverman finally took the time out to learn the name of his assistant — "Beth? Ding DING Ding!" — then promptly blamed her for the Office supersizing in a thinly sourced item meant for Page Six. Satisfied at his handling of the situation, Silverman then turned his attentions back to NBC's two hottest scripts in internal development: The Office: Howie Mandel! and a Phyllis spinoff.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• The Office Stars Are Working Overtime [OK! via Vulture]

A mugless Jim and Dwight never bothered showing up, however, and begin to realize that a vengeful Kelly was the reason behind their poor performance review scores. All of this is really just set up for the scene above, a perfectly executed comic gem in which the two engage in a role-playing sales call. It eventually climaxes with Dwight shouting something at the top of his lungs which, we think it's safe to say, has never been uttered on network primetime before. We'd suggest it veers on NSFW—but if it's safe for their office, we guess it's safe for yours. Enjoy!

• The Office

SUNDAY

Desperate Housewives Time Travels
The big surprise in last season's finale was a series of short scenes showing the characters five years in the future. The new season picked up where that left off, with everyone older and not necessarily wiser. It's a bit gimmicky, yes, but it's allowed them to jettison tiresome plotlines and create brand new ones (Lynette's rambunctious twin boys are now rambunctious twin young men!). While some of us here at HQ still find the show to be a bit of a whiny bore, others are digging the series like it was the first season all over again. B+

Entourage's Cameoverload
The HBO boyfest LA answer to girl business New Yorkfest Sex and the City has been overdoing it with the celebrity guest appearances, yes. But its arc has also been pat and frustrating. Drama has reached Inspector Clouseau levels of idiocy, Turtle has been given little to do, E continues to rankle in his snappy-short-guy-who's-kinda-earnest way, Adrien Grenier still cannot act, and poor Jeremy Piven is going to drive himself to an early grave with all his senseless bellowing. Credit to the underused Debi Mazar and Rex Lee for keeping their characters fresh and fun, though. C-

Dexter Is Still Killer
Showtime's gory character study about a Miami forensics expert cum justice-seeking serial killer (Michael C. Hall, steamy as ever) and the people who orbit him is still as thrilling as ever. Good grades go to Jennifer Carpenter's sassy new haircut, the always-dependable Lauren Vélez and David Zayas as Dexter's weary partners in crime fighting, and to the softly heartbreaking Julie Benz who brings a quiet dignity to every tiny scene she's in. This season's chief storyline (so far), concerning Dexter's accidental murder of an ADA's (Jimmy Smits) brother, is tense and ominous. You know, as the show should be. A-

True Blood, Truly
It's campy and silly at times, yes, but with the ever-increasing mysterious death toll, we're hooked now. Anna Paquin-factor be damned. B

Mad Men
Oh you know it's good. A

MONDAY

Gossip Girl & The Hills: Hurt So Good
The Upper East Side teen soap (fiction) and the Los Angeles post-teen soap (reality!) are both dumb and gut-churning sometimes, yes, but both have mostly been hitting on as many cylinders as they can so far this season. GG has tempered the silly melodrama of last season with more groan-inducing witty New Yorky references and word play, while The Hills has mined some sneakily affecting emotional depths. (Well, not really that affecting, but you know, relatively.) It's what the kids are watching and really, they could be doing worse. GG: B+, Hills: B-

Two and a Half Men Apparently Exists
Yeah, apparently it does. And lots of people watch it. Sigh. D

TUESDAY

Greek Is The Best Show You're Probably Not Watching
Well the third season of this terrific little confection of a college series is almost over, but I'm told the entire first season is available for your ears and eyeballs to consume online. It's a funny, sweet, nice-but-not-too-nice dramedy about a college in Ohio (where it's always sunny and warm!), that has soared these past couple of months. That Greek (heh!) guy from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is on it, and, well, swoon. The various romantic polygons have remarkably not gotten tired, and the sore-thumb single gay plotline has been treated calmly and evenly. Go watch! A-

Please Do Not Watch 90210
This excreble misery of a remake is a sloppily-made, boring piece of drivel that mind-bogglingly managed to even underestimate the taste level of squealing teenage girls. With seemingly no feel for plot structure, continuity, character, or humor, the writers have blundered along, serving us tepid little piles of gruel that—despite the presence of o.g. stars Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth (plus a hilarious Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez line)—woefully pale in comparison to the original teen whine and cheese party. Ugh. F-

Fringe: WTF?
OK, we admit we only watched the first episode of this sci-fi CSI meets X-Files pastiche. And we admit to sort of enjoying it. But nothing really pulled us back in. Joshua Jackson, way late of Dawson's Creek, is as wannabe suave and charming as ever, Anna Torv is sort of hard to pin down, and Lance Reddick is left to lurk in the shadows, reminding of us better work like The Wire and Lost. Who has kept up with this? How's it doing? We guess right now we'll give it a C

WEDNESDAY

Goodbye Forever, Project Runway
So it ends tonight, whatever. This season has been kind of unbearable, save for a few highlights (Leanne! Sort of!), with its annoying catchphrases, untalented contestants, and uninspired challenges. When the show comes back as a sad Pontiac Phoenix rising from the ashes on Lifetime (or, um, maybe not), we're pretty sure we're not going to watch it. Which is sad, because it used to be so damn good. Ah well. To everything a season and blah blah. C-

I Suppose There Have Been Other Things Airing On Wednesday Nights?
Um, let's see here.. Lipstick Jungle? No thanks. Knight Rider? Certainly not. America's Next Top Model? Never in a million years. Oh here we go. Top Design. Wait. Wait, nope. Not that either.

THURSDAY

Clocking In At The Office
We've only had two episodes, but they've been squirmy, swoony delights thanks mostly to the rainy day engagement between floppy old Jim and frizzy old Pam—though, it'd be nice to have her back in the actual office, rather than flirting it up with that teddy bear dude from Mad Men—and to the pitch-perfect Amy Ryan as a strange, nerdy, cautious love interest for ever-bumbling Michael Scott. Kudos also to the show's writers for giving lesser-seen characters like Meredith their chances to shine. A-

Kath & Kim
Sad. Just sad. Such high hopes for the usually likable Molly Shannon and Selma Blair, but this Australian import just didn't connect. D

Live From New York It's... Thursday Night?
Because of some sort of political and economic foofaraw going on these days, Lorne Michaels and co. have decided to add a special Thursday version of their Saturday Night Live Weekend Update segment to the NBC lineup. You know, to stay current and all. We've only had one so far (they'll run up to the election), and it was funny in parts and strained and awkward in others. The thing is, SNL is so skimpy on the funny as is, it seems a bit foolish to stretch out their best material to two nights a week. But, we'll keep watching for now and give it a tentative B.

It Really Is Always Sunny In Philadelphia
FX's hilarious, filthy, swear-filled, low-budget comedy It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia continues to blow the brain with out-there yet somehow completely salient themes like the gas crisis and how to fake one's own death. A

(Note: Please come back, '30 Rock.' Pleeeassse??)

THOSE OTHER TWO NIGHTS NORMAL PEOPLE SPEND DRUNK

Friday and Saturday... I dunno. I guess there's new stuff on, but who really watches. So instead let's take a moment to discuss the real TV this fall, which of course has been news and various humorous reportings on said news. As we said above, there seems to be some sort of election happening as well as some coverage of the large and troubling black hole that recently opened up here in New York, south of Worth Street. The "news" programs, as they were, have been of course loud and shouty and irksome and saturated with the kind of editorializing and conjecture that has somehow slunk its way to the top of the heap. It's so rare, like really honestly rare, these days to see any reporting that's not loaded with opinions and speculation and all manner of rabid fame-clawing by correspondents desperate to earn the next truckload of sweet ass O'Reilly or Olbermann cash. Fuck who's in the tank for who, let's toss out both tanks and start from scratch. And yes, though I like her, I'm willing to throw the Maddow out with the bathwater. F+

The parody shows, chiefly The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, have fared far better because, duh, there's just so. much. to make fun of. It's no surprise that these arch hosts (Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert) are performing ably, but all of their correspondents, writers, and editors have also been more on top of their game than we've seen in a long time. Wherever you fall on the issues (crazy, nonsensical shortsightedness vs. Barack Obama), the back-to-back lineup is always worth watching. A+

So that's that! Tell us what else you've been watching and if you've enjoyed it in the comments. And, you know, disagree with me. Because really I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about.

Boomp3.com

Famed offspring Rumer Willis was spotted in ultra luxurious Bev Hills over the weekend sporting new crimson colored locks. When asked why she made the decision to embrace her inner big red, Willis explained it was for a string of upcoming Halloween parties. Wilis said, “This season, I’m going to go as two different people —Joan from Mad Men and Pam from The Office— and I didn’t want to wear a wig. So, I just dyed my hair and now I’ll alternate between the outfits from party to party.” Willis felt that she would go with the Pam costume when attending spooky shindigs associated with her family and the more vivacious Joan Holloway costume at other events. Willis added, “I assume that if I was dressed like Joan at my dad’s party, a lot of his friends would hit on me and I’m not sure if I’m fully comfortable with that just yet.” Also before jetting away, Willis practiced her Facebook & MySpace profile photo in the rearview mirror.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Where were we? Ah yes, we finally got to see ... Jim pop the question to Pam! And don’t let the fact that it happened on a dingy highway rest stop in the middle of a rainstorm fool you, it was totes romantic. Not quite as romantic as that Tim and Dawn kiss from the original British Office Christmas Special, but still, pretty good. Get your Kleenex ready and check it out.

• The Office [NBC]