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One time television star Mischa Barton visited a West Hollywood liquor store to finally a bit of prep work for her presidential debate party on Wednesday night. Barton felt that the 18 pack would get her guests through the first 18 times Republican nominee John McCain says, “my friends,” and/or “maverick.” Barton said, “McCain seems pretty aware that he’s becoming a parody of himself. So, he might introduce a new catch phrase or buzz word to ruin our drinking game. Like supercalifragilisticexipialidocious.”

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

First, the runners-up:

No. 10 – Rob & Amber, Survivor
No. 9 – Sara & Grissom, CSI
No. 8 – Ryan & Marissa, The O.C.
No. 7 – Trista & Ryan, The Bachelorette
No. 6 – Kate & Jack, Lost
No. 5 – Billy & Alison, Melrose Place
No. 4 – Clark & Lana, Smallville
No. 3 – Boris & Natasha, The Bullwinkle Show (ed. note: ???)

And the top two, excerpted from TV Guide:

No. 2 – Tom & Lynette, Desperate Housewives: She has him canned from her ad firm, hates mothering and almost cheats on him with a pizza guy. He, in turn, takes it like a tool as penance for lying about his secret kid. Forget Wisteria Lane’s occasional homicides, the real mystery here is why these two aren’t in therapy.

No. 1 – “Gizzie” (George & Izzie), Grey’s Anatomy: First off, could the combo name be any uglier? And secondly, ewww. It was like watching a faded prom queen and her slightly dim-witted brother get it on…at the expense of George’s marriage to Callie.

While we're a little shocked that Boris & Natasha made the list over, say, Hills villains Heidi & Spencer, we can't help but wish TV Guide had extended its expose to include characters from decades long since past. After all, everyone knows that Shirley and the Big Ragu were, like, sooo passé (all the cool kids 'shipped Laverne and Squiggy), and Donna's marriage on The Donna Reed Show? OMG, could she have been more of a Mary Sue?!

• TV Guide

First, a closer look at the "sexy" ads in question, which include pull-quotes suggesting just how much closer potential viewers will get to the cool kids' table. Watching this show is so dangerous! Your parents will have nightmares just thinking about the (sort of) short skirts Blair wears! Do the nasty!

Sadly, progressively heightening a show's sex appeal with ever-so-slightly hotter ads might not be the wisest move. After Buffy got the shove-off to the vintage UPN, Sarah Michelle Gellar was photographed posing in that trademark Cosmo cover stance, suggestively, maybe, possibly, on the verge of masturbation. One season later, and the series' ashes lived on in that icky spin-off Angel. As for Beverly Hills: 90210, the standard smiley group shot used in promos rarely veered far off course. But once Season 10 wheezed its final pointless breath, Donna and her new boobs sat front and center, Kelly was forced to be groped by New Brandon Replacement #47, and Steve Sanders was permitted to play "sexy" while raising a risqué, black denim-clad leg around New Brenda Replacement #287. And the poor OC decided that turning Marissa into a lesbian wasn't quite sordid enough, so the previously wholesome ads ended, along with the series, with uber-tanned Mischa pushing whatever boobage she had together in the sand, while Ryan appeared ready to give her the old in-and-out from behind (Chino-style!).

Oops. After the sight of Rachel and Monica passionately making out giving each other a friendly peck failed to increase ratings for Dirt, some genius thought the image of Courteney Cox covered in actual dirt (get it?!) would do the trick. But rather than getting new viewers all hot and bothered, everyone just felt, well, dirty (get it?! Sigh.) Finally, the recently canceled L Word used a rather obvious promotional image by shoving all the chic lipstick lesbians together in one big ol' nude orgy party. The problem with this image? See the previous sentence (specifically, the "canceled" part).

• OMG! CHECK OUT THE SEXY NEW 'GOSSIP GIRL' ADS! [People]

As the promo’s only familiar face (that is, besides Lucille Bluth), Lori Loughlin is given plenty of face time to explain her role as the show's matriarch, who’s a “contemporary modern-day mom...she’s as cool as her children!” You mean, like the moms on The OC, right? And the new Kelly-like popular girl has cheap highlights, a rebellious side, and a father who watches her every move as the high school principal. Reminds us of...Reese Witherspoon’s headmaster dad in Cruel Intentions? Finally, we get to see a spotty montage of the new crew’s stomping ground outside the classrooms, showing all the stoner cliques, international subsets, and sunglasses-sporting cool kid crowds decorating West Bev’s entrance. Wait we know this one...just like the As If scene from Clueless! So basically we can expect a weak rendition of Clueless Intentions: The Real Orange County, as brought to you by Disney.

• WATCH A CLIP OF THE '90210' SPIN-OFF [Us]

Though Mischa appeared looking just as airbrushed and glamorous while working the red carpet at this year's Australian MTV Music Awards (don't ask us why she was there; Australians are kooky and fun, which we like, so we don't care which celebrities they adore!), her decision to step out into the salty Aussie air on her hotel balcony during her stay across the globe may be one she'll regret for some time...

Before simply pointing out the fact that yes, Barton apparently suffers from that all-too-common ass-flappy affliction rampant among most gym-fearing young ladies, we're well aware it happens to the best of us. It's only when it happens to the not-so-best of us when we feel less catty than relieved to learn someone like Mischa, an actress we used to (and still sort of do) consider gorgeous, has to deal with the same aesthetically displeasing quandry. But on those particular mornings when any cottage cheese is at its flappiest peak, even mere mortals like ourselves who needn't worry about shady men hiding in bushes nearby, do not step out onto balconies (or anywhere for that matter) showing it off. If only she'd brought along one of her mood-relaxing joints to enjoy the sun with, these pictures would be far less horrifying.

[Photo credits: Getty, Bancroft via Daily Mail]

• BLIGHT OF THE CELLULITE: MISCHA BARTON REVEALS HER VERY DIMPLED THIGHS [Daily Mail]

You may have heard about Mischa's run-in with the law this past December, when the chronic-loving actress was busted for a DUI during the holidays. Now Barton is looking to avoid jail time by taking a plea, meaning a small fine plus three years of probation. As for Samaire, the Dirty Sexy Money star quietly underwent outpatient rehab for "personal issues" back in October, and though she just discontinued treatment, she'll only be returning to the ABC show in a part-time gig. As for Rachel, she recently starred alongside current boyfriend Hayden Christensen in Doug Liman's critical disappointment Jumper. In addition to striking out in her two big screen efforts, she also has to deal with those pesky FOD rumors about her boyfriend.

The only female star who's managed to stay out of the tabloids and steer clear of career suicide? The easily forgotten Shailene Woodley, who played Mischa's boarding school brat sister Kaitlin for only one season. She's signed on for the Juno-inspired Molly Ringwald sitcom being produced for ABC by Seventh Heaven creator Brenda Hampton. Perhaps staying in Orange County only one year was a blessing in disguise.

• SOURCE: MISCHA BARTON TO ACCEPT PLEA DEAL IN DUI CASE [People]
• SAMAIRE ARMSTRONG: I HIT ROCK BOTTOM [Us]

Among the most deserving members of the group are, in no particular order:

Jim Halpert on The Office: because laughter is everything. Plus, he's tall.
Ned on Pushing Daisies: Tall, too! And he makes pies. While wearing an apron. With perfect hair and dreamy eyes and that tall, lean frame...let's just say we'd forgive him if he accidentally killed us.
Amanda Tanen on Ugly Betty: If we swung that way, this would be our girl (free clothes!), and from our imagined male point of view, well, same thing: free suits!
Michael and George Michael Bluth from Arrested Development: Best. Threesome. Fantasy. Ever. And afterwards, Michael Cera might bake you cookies, while Jason Bateman played you his favorite records!
Lindsay Weir from Freaks and Geeks: Sure, not Swimsuit Issue-worthy (at least back then, but these days in ER, yum), but in a way, Lindsay was the original Juno MacGuff.

And the incomprehensibles:

Jack Bauer from 24: While we genuflect thrice daily to a poster of the real-life Kiefer, we are going to have to strongly oppose the choice of Jack Bauer. Are we the only ones who happened to catch the fact that his wife was tortured, raped and killed? Yeah, dreamboat for sure.
Jack Shephard from Lost: Yes, Matthew Fox is a fox, there is no doubt. And yes, he's a doctor, and sure, he may have saved, oh, a trillion or so lives. But he's got daddy issues, and we're not into being bossed around, even if it means saving the world (or whatever the fuck they're trying to save this season).
Dylan McKay from Beverly Hills: 90210: Again, hot. But as much as Brenda Walsh infuriated us with her teeth and her moody/wannabe actress/princess-y tendencies, we'd have dumped the too-cool-for-school druggie just on the basis of Squint Addiction.
Summer Roberts from The OC: We've been known to act a little high-maintenance from time to time, but this Cali girl took the term to new heights of offensiveness. Plus, she kinda strikes us as one of those high-school girls who'd pretty much just lay there and blab on her cell while you're pumping away.
Bree Van De Camp from Desperate Housewives: Seriously? Of all the (admittedly impossible-to-choose-from) old frumps on this old frump of a show, EW readers want the shrill ice queen in their sack? Thin lips + bony legs = thanks but no thanks.

And finally, the most crucial void on the list, the most adorable, dateable, loveable visage ever to cross our screens, was inexcusably uninvited to join the list of Effables: Bret from Flight of the Conchords. We don't know about you, but every episode has been permanently saved on our DVR and played repeatedly, from noon to night, to the dismay of our roommate. We'll let you tell us who the EW readers scathingly excluded from the list in the comments!

• READER PICKS: TV CHARACTERS YOU'D DATE [EW]

• Mischa Barton Busted for DUI [TMZ]

[Rowan] is engaged to Canadian billionaire David Thomson, Rowan's rep confirms exclusively to PEOPLE.

Toronto-based media mogul Thomson, 50, is Canada's richest man and the 10th richest man in the world, according to this year's ranking of billionaires by Forbes magazine, which also says he is the divorced father of three.

We quietly shed a tear for the end of a seemingly everlasting, albeit fictional, love between a MILF of Privilege and her menschy, surfing Public Defender, but we couldn't be happier for Rowan, who'll live out her wildest romantic fantasies when she arrives at her fairy tale wedding in a moose-drawn carriage made entirely of solid-gold Toonies.

• The O.C.'s Kelly Rowan Engaged to Billionaire [People]

"THE O.C. Season Four finale will also be the series finale. This feels like the best time to bring the show to its close, said Josh Schwartz, creator and executive producer of THE O.C. Thanks to the hard work of our cast, crew and writers, we have enjoyed our best season yet, and what better time to go out than creatively on top. It has been an amazing experience and a great run. For a certain audience, at a certain time, THE O.C. has meant something. For that we are grateful."

Fox is wasting no time getting the show off its schedule, with the last episode airing on February 22nd. We can only hope that Schwartz will remain committed to the creative vision that originally made the show a hit, making sure its swan song includes a hastily thrown-together Newport society party that is inevitably marred by an ill-considered Ryan Atwood fistfight. But during this last melee, of course, our hot-headed Chino won't resurface after gang-tackling his final, classist tormentor into a nearby swimming pool, meeting his end in the perfectly chlorinated waters of Orange County, just as we always knew he must.

• THE SUN SETS ON "THE O.C." WHEN THE SERIES FINALE AIRS THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 22, ON FOX [The Futon Critic]

Aboard "The O.C. Experience Tour" boat, Emma spotted something that tore her attention from the surrounding yachts to the Balboa Fun Zone.

"Oh my God! That's the Ferris wheel that Ryan and Marissa had their first date on!" she yelled, referring to two main characters on the TV series "The O.C." "I have to go on, Mum." [...]

"It makes you dream of living here, in this beautiful atmosphere," said Emma, who sported oversized sunglasses like the show's female characters and begged her mom to buy a pink sweater "like Marissa's." "It was my first look into the lifestyle over here. It's a teenage fantasy."

We fear for the health of the local tourism industry should Fox yank the show from its schedule; where one can now gape at colossal Ferris wheels while taking an idyllic ride on an Experience Tour boat, in the coming post-The O.C. era, reputable companies will undoubtedly be shuttered, replaced by drifters wandering the beach who brusquely demand pocket change to not recreate fans' favorite moments from the series, like gunning down the visiting teens in self-defense, or taking them to the edge of a rocky outcropping overlooking the ocean and pushing them to their death.

• Sunset for 'The O.C.'? That depends [LAT]

· You'd think that on Halloween, people in Santa Monica would be a little suspicious that the Borat trying to engage them might just be an annoying dude with a gray suit and a fake mustache, not the genuine article. Then again, they were all probably pretty drunk.
· Speaking of Borat, it seems that notorious Rolling Stone pullquote whore Peter Travers is pretty pleased with the movie.
· In honor of tonight's The OC premiere: Hey, Mischa!
Howard Stern superfan Tony Pierce lands an interview with Mike Gange, whom we previously believed ceased existing once the E! show went off the air.
This is probably the best poem about Martin Scorsese's eyebrows that you will read today. But don't hold us to that if you find a better one.

Ran into 3 of the cast members from the OC (Benjamin McKenzie, Adam Brody, and Rachel Bilson) at the Polo Lounge on Saturday night. All very cool and only slightly annoyed at our post-wedding drunken gawking. ...but do they wear their OC wardrobes at all times?

Unfortunately, our citizen paparazzi didn't lean in close enough to catch any of their conversation, which we will will nonetheless speculate included him asking his conversation companion, "Hey, do you mind if I tilt my head to the right a little and smile like I'm really into you? Maybe that guy with the camera works for Star and I'll get a photo spread out of this."

• Citizen Paparazzi: The Governor Shops At Barney's [Defamer]

• Teenage Life Is Dreamy For Josh Schwartz [ABC/AP via Gawker]

So I went to this party with one of my friends on Saturday, not realizing what awaited me. It was a random assortment of young Hollywood including: much of the cast of The O.C., recognizable faces whose egos are bigger than their resumes, and trust-fund babies of major A-listers, oh and to top it all off, Jeremy Piven, who still thinks he is part of young Hollywood. Much of the party took place on a wooden platform that was used to cover the pool underneath. As I looked around trying to remember "what I had seen that guy in", suddenly the party took a dark turn. The platform we were standing on began to break and cave into the pool, causing mass terror and chaos. Luckily, nobody who fell into the pool, apparently including Mischa Barton, was hurt! However, there was one casualty-Mischa's Sidekick, that she was heard bitching about for the rest of the night!

We suppose we would dredge up more enthusiasm for this story were it not such a blatant riff on basically every O.C. ever written. This leads us to suspect that somehow, the O.C. writers are now scripting their actors' real lives, too. The theory is lent all the more credence when you take into account that Barton was later spotted sitting off in a corner, being consoled over her Sidekick loss by a blonde rocker chick with poofy bangs. Moments later, the two were locked in an awkward lip-mashing, followed by Mischa's realization by evening's end that she in fact is not an actual lesbian. (All of which was observed and thoroughly enjoyed from a short distance by Piven, who was overheard telling a companion, "If you squint, you can still catch some nip action through her wet shirt.")

• Previously: The Sports Guy And The OC s Wonder Boy Celebrate Seth Cohen s Third Season Premiere [Defamer]