What kind of a world do we live in when a futuristic techno-thriller starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson as escaped clones on levitating jet bikes doesn't outgross the shit out of a glorified Discovery Channel rerun? Don't people realize how much money I spent? How many people it took to bring that vision to the screen? Do people realize how many rewrites and punch-ups we went through? I paid my writers millions of dollars, and they were some of the best in the biz. You know who wrote their script? A bunch of birds. [...]

I'm busy in pre-production planning my next big spectacle (which no one will see because they'll be off watching a 10-hour documentary on park squirrels, no doubt). But if you are in the San Diego area, do me this favor: Go to Sea World, walk into the emperor-penguin exhibit, and punch one those fuckers right in the face. Tell 'em Michael Bay sent ya.

At least the real-life Michael Bay can take some solace in the fact that, barring some incredible evolutionary leap, penguins will never be able to drive a bitchin' Ferrarri or properly stage a fiery symphony of exploding, somersaulting autombiles on the 405.

ADVANTAGE: Bay.

• What Has Our Society Come To When March of the Penguins is the Blockbuster Hit of the Summer? [The Onion]

A spokesman for Johansson tells PAGE SIX's Tom Sykes, "We find it incredible that the producers of 'The Island' have blamed the low box-office results on the film's two lead actors. This is a clear-cut example of the producers' passing the buck and not taking responsibility for their part in making calculated mistakes throughout the film's marketing."
The rep continues: "Ms. Johansson is proud of her performance and the film . . . The film and the actors' performances were overall well received by the critics. We put our trust in the professionals who sold and promoted this film. It is unforgivable that the producers continue to blame everyone but themselves." [...]

Parkes and MacDonald ate their words as PAGE SIX went to press, praising "Scarlett Johansson and Ewan McGregor's extraordinary work" and alleging that their "comments were taken completely out of context." DreamWorks had no comment.

Once Johansson's People decided to use the nuclear option (i.e., taking the fight to the tabloids, where flacks can horse-trade future canoodling stories for a prominently placed producer-slam), Parkes and Macdonald had little choice but to submit themselves to the ritualistic humiliation of The Public Eating of the Ill-Advised, Talent-Baiting Words. While it's trying to sell what's left of its dignity to NBC Universal, DreamWorks doesn't want to look like a place that celebrates Michael Bay crapping away $100 million by getting liquored up and sucker-punching Scarlett Johansson in the breadbasket.

• Page Six: 'ISLAND': SCARLETT FIRES BACK [NY Post]
• Producers Get In On “The Island” Blame Game [Defamer]

"It's a bad title," Parkes declares, as if the title of a presumptive summer blockbuster were a tiny element that might have just slipped through the cracks. "It's a title that refers to something that doesn't exist in the movie. You might say, 'Oh well, so what?' but really from the title comes the advertising campaign and from the campaign comes the image people have of what they may or may not see, so that was a problem." [...]

"Listen, those are superstars of the future, those two actors, they're not superstars of the present," Parkes says.

McGregor's mainstream credentials are built on the three "Star Wars" prequels, a billion dollar trilogy that could, just possibly, have succeeded even without him. Johansson is a critical darling with only art house hits to her credit. It's with some regret that MacDonald calls out the 20-year-old actress for not bringing in younger viewers.

"She's not owned by this sort of young generation at all," she says, before burying the knife. "Even lesser television actresses, quite honestly, would have more connection to that audience."

Truly, the production was doomed the moment DreamWorks decided to change the title from Futuristic Cloning Movie, But Don't Worry, Plenty of Shit Blows Up and recast the youth-connecting Olsen Twins with Johansson. It's easy to second-guess those decisions now that the movie's lost about $100 million.

• Producers Reflect on 'Island' Failure [Zap2it.com]
• Michael Bay Searches For Answers [Defamer]

"You had Ridley Scott with 'Kingdom of Heaven', and Michael Bay ['The Island'] gave you cloning. I don't think this generation sources their heroes in this arena. Maybe they'll source their heroes as two guys who crash weddings so they can have sex with vulnerable girls, or maybe an heiress who does soft-core porn. Action films are usually about the male hero, and if you live in a time when you don't believe in heroes, it makes it difficult ... to make action films as they've been traditionally defined"

And thus we have an answer for Stealth's failure: Paris Hilton and Owen "The Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson are shitting all over Hollywood's dog-eared copy of The Hero with a Thousand Faces, then wiping with the chapter examining the "Male Fighter Pilots Chasing a Runaway Airplane Given Sentience by a Bolt of Lightning" archetype. The action movie as we know it can't possibly withstand this kind of radical paradigm shift.

• Pause in the action [LAT]
• Previously: Michael Bay Searches For Answers [Defamer]

The Lost in Translation actress slammed on the brakes when confronted with a giant advert of herself in Hollywood, according to the Daily Record. [...]

She said: "I was driving through Los Angeles and I look up and see the biggest photo of me I have ever seen in my life on a massive ad space.

"I screamed and slammed on the brakes. I couldn't believe it.

"It's very strange to see my cleavage the size of a brontosaurus. My breasts were huge.

"I had long hair and my goodness, I couldn't get past the cleavage."

You know what? We couldn't get past the cleavage, either, circling the block over and over again. And we saw the movie, but if you ask us what it's about, we'd say it's a thoughtful look at a future in which tight-fitting white bodysuits have finally replaced jog bras, despite their obvious inadequacy as a support garment.

• Scarlett's Huge Boob Shock [Sky.com UK via LA.com]
• Related: Scarlett Johansson's A Handful [Defamer]

"It's a debacle, it's my worst opening weekend ever," Bay said. [...]
Bay bemoaned that the movie had low awareness. Even before it opened, he had sharp words for the marketing campaign, complaining in a Times interview that the effort wasn't generating interest and that a poster made costar Scarlett Johansson look like "a porn star." [...]
Bay cited other possible factors for the movie, which stars Ewan McGregor and Johannson [sic] as clones.
"It could be the subject matter, the lack of stars," he said. "I'm not blaming the whole thing on the marketers." [...]
"Everyone from [Steven] Spielberg to [Robert] Zemeckis to [Stanley] Kubrick — they've all had big flops," he said. "I was five for five. You know it's going to happen."
"It hurts," Bay added. "It's always the director's fault."

Now that Bay's very publicly worked through all of the stages of Classical Flop Acceptance—the Blaming of the Marketing Campaign, the Lashing Out at the One-Sheet, the Accusing Your Actors of Not Being Big Enough Starts to Open a Movie, the Insane Self-Comparison to Award-Winning Directors, and, finally, the Turning Blame Inward to Grudgingly Accept Responsibility as a Function of Inevitability—he's going to be just fine. By the time he finishes his therapeutic afternoon Ferrari flipping, he'll have forgotten all about the pain and moved on to his next project with a clear head.

• Director Calls 'Island' Opening Haul 'a Debacle' [LAT]
• Michael Bay: Anatomy Of A Blowing Shit Up Scene [Defamer]

[Ansen] Some of your action sequences are really spectacular. There's a chase on the highway where a pile of enormous train wheels fall off a truck and smash into the oncoming cars.
[Bay] I write my own action. That thought came to me as I was driving next to a truck that had rail wheels. My mind is very fertile, so I'm, like, "That's very dangerous."

We knew it! Life, not a writer, merely invites inspiration over to Michael Bay's mind for a harmless get-together, but it's only after the party moves into the rumpus room of his febrile imagination that the orgy of aneurysm-inducing quick cuts, whiplash camera moves, and pirouetting automobiles truly breaks out.

• Review and Rebuttal: Hot Designer Genes [Newsweek]
• Previously: Michael Bay Goes Deep In ‘The Island’ [Defamer]