We won't tell you exactly how we'd planned to bring it off (only that it involved Seth in a bathrobe, STV in booty shorts, and—in an eerie coincidence—proprietary "HUFF POST" watermarks), but we can guarantee it would have had higher production values than the Playboy founder's seemingly tossed-off card, the cover of which the Huffington Post has a copy of. Though twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon are present and randomly body-painted, there is a disappointing lack of either face-kicking or holiday blasphemy. With just a little more effort, we're certain a nativity scene could have been recreated where the Shannons nurse Hef in a manger, while the Three Wise Girls Next Door approach bearing gifts of silicone, cannabis, and little purple pills.

• Hef's Christmas Card: Bodypainted Twins (PHOTO) [HuffPo]

"We tried for me to get pregnant by in vitro fertilization, because it wasn't going to happen the old-fashioned way."

...While Holly says she "devoted 100 percent" of herself to the professional hedonist, she never quite got into the swing of his famed lifestyle.

"I'm not really into polygamy," she says. "That was never my thing. I think that's why I was looking to either have a kid or leave."

But the age difference between Holly and 82-year-old Hef proved to be the ultimate obstacle for the pair.

"When the IVF didn't work out after months of giving myself injections every day and feeling horrible, the clinic informed me it wasn't possible because he was too old," she says.

It's a shame those crazy kids couldn't make it work, as we would have loved to see Hef and Holly raise a bathrobe-clad brood given to questions like, "How did you and Mommy fall in love?" ("Well, Mommy was spread-eagle in a shower with Mommy 2 and Mommy 3..."). At the very least, Show and Tell would never have been the same.

• Holly Madison: 'Hef was too old for IVF' [Woman's Day]

It seems that San Diego native Wilkinson still hasn't forgiven Brady for beating her beloved Chargers in the AFC championship, and she'd rather go naked (a simple proposition!) then wear the number of the noted Gisele diddler. Lucky for Wilkinson, then, that the Chargers won't be playing the Philadelphia Eagles, where her rumored secret fiance Hank Baskett is a wide receiver. Meanwhile, we await the sports affiliations of brand-new Girls Next Door Karissa and Kristina Shannon, though we do hear that the twins are no strangers to "unnecessary roughness." [E!]

When cops showed up, Kristina was lying on the ground outside their apartment "wearing only blue jean pants" and "bleeding from her nose," while Karissa was standing over Kristina asking who had done this, "as if she had no idea what had happened."

Best part: a neighbor said he witnessed the one twin kicking the other twin in the face, though "he could not identify which sister was which." Karissa eventually fessed up.

We beg to differ, TMZ; the "best part" is almost certainly that Kristina wore nothing but "blue jean pants" to the outdoor rumble with her twin sister, thus providing a pugilistic back story for what will almost certainly be a tastefully topless recreation of the incident in the pages of Playboy. Hef, enjoy your makeouts with the twins while they last, but if you take a Jimmy Choo to the face that was meant for Kristina, don't say we didn't warn you.

• Hef Twin Busted for Catfight with Her Sis! [TMZ]

According to TMZ, both sisters were arrested earlier this year for felony aggravated battery in the decidedly non-Holmby Hills locale of St. Petersburg, Florida. What exactly transpired in this bunny-on-bunny-on-civilian crime? Says the website:

We just talked to a relative of one of the victims and here's what they tell us went down. The twins went out after work with one of their Wing House co-workers, Erica Civello, to a house party. Kristina allegedly started arguing with Erica, and Karissa came up behind her and hit Erica over the head with a bottle of beer and they both "jumped her." Erica suffered a concussion.

The mystery of Wing House rears its engimatic head once more! Was the twins' former place of employment this Hooters knockoff, or was it this transitional house for adult survivors of traumatic brain injury? Based on the context clues, we're thinking the former...but Erica? That other Wing House might be just the ticket for you in your Bud Light-brained state. Godspeed!

• Hef's Girls Put the Jail in Jailbait [TMZ]

"If Holly says it's over, I guess it's over," Hefner told the AP on Wednesday, adding that Madison is still living in the Mansion despite her recent confession that she's ready to settle down and start a family. Hef also acknowledged telling Madison six months ago that he wanted none of that, apparently triggering an internal crisis about which even he was unaware:

"The fact that she was depressed after that, I didn't know at all. That was a revelation in the last days and weeks. Quite frankly, we thought when the time came, we would make a combined statement and we expected that combined statement would be somewhere in the weeks and months ahead."

Of course, anyone who's seen The House Bunny can corroborate this and vouch for Hef's despair; nobody leaves the Mansion without saying goodbye, lest the 82-year-old's sad voice turn up on the other end of her phone at the most inopportune time — like, in the middle of a date with Colin Hanks or something. Awkward! Moreover, this is why some of us choose to avoid The Girls Next Door — how have we missed out on the drama of this dissolution since April? Step it up, E! Man cannot live by Kendra's Olive Garden controversies alone.

• HEFNER 'DOWN IN THE DUMPS' ABOUT MADISON SPLIT [AP]

we are kristina & karissa shannon we are idenical twins we work well together and have worked for winghouse doing advertisement for 3 yrs. and are now working on the centerfold for playboy!!!we are new playmates and are exploding fast we are going to be shooting the girls next door show while doing our centerfold while we are out at the mansion in LA we love modeling,acting, and are very outgoing with great,fun ,and exciting personality's! we are interested in doing movies,commercial's, host events exc.We have done commercials and billboards and the cover of the swimsuit calender's and things for winghouse!

We were somewhat curious about the much-mentioned "winghouse," so we did some further digging and can narrow the Winghouse in question to one of two alternatives: either the twins posed for this Hooters knockoff, or they've kindly devoted their time to cheering up adult survivors of traumatic brain injury. Either way, their sparkling "personality's" should help them take the Mansion by storm! Enjoy your high-flying, semi-incestuous new life, ladies!

• Hugh Hefner’s New Twins [Buzzfeed]

• karissa&kristina [OneModelPlace]

How do you try and revive a career that only you want revived? Well, in Hollywood this year you can either get pregnant, or do what this C list film/B list television actress that I love to hate is going to do. Become a lesbian. Yes, you heard it here first. This actress is going to loudly dump her boyfriend and start dating a woman simply for the publicity...Instead of paying someone to be a beard for you, this actress is going to take some of her fast dwindling cash and pay someone to be her lesbian lover.

Rampant speculation, after the jump:

Out first guess was Mischa Barton, though it must be said that the same-sex angle didn't work out so well for her character on The O.C. Then our thoughts drifted to Heroes star Hayden Panettiere, but her girl-crush on Angelina Jolie is a little predictable for a starlet who's truly hoping to make sapphic waves. Could it be, then, that Gossip Girl's Blake Lively has been sharing her traveling pants with someone the same size? It's possible, but we'll throw our weight behind dark horse guess Kendra Wilkinson of The Girls Next Door. What better way to avoid typecasting as a boy-crazy bimbo than to ditch the Hef for someone more substantial...you know, like Tila Tequila!

• Today's Blind Items [Crazy Days and Nights]

For instance, this week's episode begins with the girls gathering together for an impromptu table read of the script for House Bunny, the soon-to-be-released Anna Faris vehicle. After pouring through the script, not only do they find out that their appearance is limited to a single page (Page 78, if you must know), but they also bemoan the fact that they've been reduced to bantering about such silly topics as whipped cream drenched pillow fights. Don't worry, ladies; when Brett Ratner finally decides to get onboard with the project he was born to direct, there'll be plenty of time to sleep your way into a role playing someone other than yourself (so long as it's still a Bunny).

• The Girls Next Door [E!]

Ms. Wilkinson says that when she started praising the restaurant on television and on her very popular MySpace page, it never crossed her mind what the folks at Olive Garden might think. "I don't speak about it to get paid for it," she says. "I speak about it because I love it. I understand they're a family restaurant, but I think it can't hurt them to have a little spice." ...

The San Diego native says she made frequent trips to the restaurant during her childhood, developing a taste for the artichoke dip and the all-you-can-eat salad and breadsticks. She calls it "my soul food."

"I love the Olive Garden so much because I grew up going there," she says. "That used to be the place we would go for Mother's Day, for birthdays. My grandpa just died, and right after his funeral, we went to the Olive Garden."

First of all, nice synergy by the Journal to get the "very popular MySpace" plug in there for Uncle Rupe. Well done, gang. Meanwhile, Olive Garden associates all but declined comment: "I don't feel comfortable talking about this...because it is a complicated issue for the brand," said the EVP the chain's ad agency. And why wouldn't it be? Go ahead and see how far you get marketing Kendra's limited-time-only Chicken Condolence Fettucine Alfredo. "When you're here, you're too cheap for a memorial" won't win any converts, you know.

• When You're Here, You're Family — But What About a Playboy Model? [WSJ]

• Girls of Olive Garden [Playboy]