As director Kevin Smith told the LA Times today, "If [Zack and Miri] dies at the box office, I don't think we'll see another porn-related comedy for a long time." We have a better idea: Make all the porn comedies you want, just don't release them on Halloween behind a campaign featuring sanitized TV spots and stick figures of Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks. While the latter star still remains a relatively unknown box-office quanity, Rogen has done nothing but open one R-rated comedy after another since last year. Zack and Miri, not so much: It's Rogen's worst opening by far, collecting less than a third of Knocked Up's $30.7 million draw in May '07 and contorting his agent into insisting Rogen doesn't need fellow UTA-er Judd Apatow behind him — as with Knocked Up, Superbad and Pineapple Express — to deliver a hit.

Smith, meanwhile, probably won't even beat his opening for Clerks 2, triggering critics to ask how much demand — if any — remains for his digressive brand of raunch. But don't take our word for it: He anticipated it himself, pushing the script for his terrorism drama Red State during the press rounds for Zack and Miri. The Weinsteins didn't want it then and definitely won't take it now; their parting ways with the filmmaker (for now) has less to do with taste than insolvency, particularly with the backlog of films piling up next to the mop in their utility closet. It was fun while it lasted. Except the Jersey Girl part, of course, but they're over it.

Which leaves the Weinsteins themselves, having failed once more in their attempts to stir up ratings and title controversies, looking to Zack and Miri's Flopz™ eternity for a little nickel-and-dime magic for years to come. There's always this week's Soul Men, though, right? Not so fast, says R&B legend Sam Moore, who told The Independent this weekend that he may seek a share of the gate for the Sam Jackson/Bernie Mac comedy he thinks ripped off his life story. And it didn't even do it well:

The film infringes trademark rights over the duo's most famous song, "Soul Man", Moore alleges. It also wrongly portrays them as constantly swearing, making liberal use of the "N-word" and indulging in casual sex with groupies, he complains.

"The film is sexist, racist, and embarrassing, and that's not what Sam & Dave were about," said Moore, who is seeking "significant" compensation, together with a disclaimer distancing him from the narrative. [...]

"The Weinstein Company says the film's fiction. In that case, I'd like them to tell me what part's supposed to be fiction," said Moore. "I'd like them to tell me which two black soul musicians, signed to Stax Records, who worked with Isaac Hayes, it's meant to portray."

Oh — so that's why they wanted to share this one with MGM. Things may be lean around the office these days, but at least Harvey and Bob won't have to face a jury alone.

• 'School' still rules box office [Variety]

• 
  'Soul men' film is no laughing matter... [The Independent]

· Madge's first concert after the announcement went off as planned in Boston, where the singer introduced her number "Miles Away" with the loving dedication, "This song is for the emotionally retarded. Maybe you know some people who fall into that category. God knows I do." Many experts linked the comment to her soon-to-be-ex-husband, but in any case, the other 11,000 emotionally retarded fans in attendance whooped with appreciation at the shout-out.

· Or maybe Madonna intended the dig for her lying flack Liz Rosenberg, who's one Oprah ban away from officially joining the Pop-Culture Pariah Hall of Fame after drawing censure from both Page Six and People Magazine in the same day.

· In enumerating the reasons why Ritchie was a poor match for Madge, Michael Musto points gayward: "He's way homophobic. And let's face it: To be married to Madonna and not care for the sight of gays makes as much sense as a diabetic in a candy shop." We're not so sure; Ritchie and Joel Silver (at right) have been awfully cozy of late, and no one's tattling on their trysts at Dos Caminos.

· World-class parasite and one-time Madonna biographer Andrew Morton offered his own take on the bust-up, writing about her British phase for The Daily Beast: "The British loved the fact that she proved such a jolly good sport. Like the Queen Mother before her, she became an adopted National Treasure, the girl from the Midwest treated and behaving like royalty." So what happened? Swept Away, for starters: "She has proved that she can live with fake. But not with failure."

· And Musto and Morton (among others) observe that her directorial debut Filth and Wisdom may have broken Ritchie's back, surpassing his own RockNRolla for ambition and achievement. The critics might beg to differ.

· Regardless, all appears to be forgiven in her adopted hometown: New York wants full custody after the divorce.

1. All-Time Greatest Film on IMDB: Fanboys continue to make their voices heard this morning as nearly 50,000 voters pushed The Dark Knight to the top of IMDB's definitive list of international classics. Better even than The Shawshank Redemption, though? Well, these viewers have seen everything, so... congratulations, Christopher Nolan!

2. Backlash Begins (Critical Edition): Bad reviews (and the revolt that followed them) were one thing. But even DK admirers like us couldn't help but nod along as haters started poking the bubble:

FIlm critics were just as jazzed as the film's makers and its boyish fans, even proud to consider themselves part of the film's creation, in a way. "I think it's the critic's duty to tell people how awesome this movie is," said Insert-Pullquote Pete, of the Toulane Tribune. "Thank God there's finally a movie that audiences and critics can agree on, cause it makes our job so much easier."

3. Backlash Begins (Box-Office Edition): Citing figures that are in part "too clean," David Poland challenges the numbers and their historical importance. Not to be outdone, Variety this morning bumped the figure to $158 million just for the hell of it.

4. Oscar Hype Redux: Terry Gilliam be damned, Tom O'Neil is just doing his job this morning by recalculating DK's Oscar odds after its massive weekend: Only six the top 20 highest-grossing films of all time were nominated for Best Picture. "[T]hree won," writes O'Neil. "The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, Titanic and Forrest Gump — and three got skunked: The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, E.T. and Star Wars." For what it's worth, none were reviewed as consistently favorably as The Dark Knight. And certainly none of them are IMDB's Greatest! Film! Ever!

5. Christopher Nolan is the New Peter Jackson. A 38-year-old guy who started out making $40,000 neo-noirs over a year's worth of weekends off is now the anchor of the hottest franchise in town. Just part of the plan, notes The Hollywood Reporter, which today features a good look at how he did it (not to mention the hell of following up — The Prisoner, Chris? Really?).

6. Mamma Mia! Gets Buried: The stage adaptation's $27.6 million opening was the best ever for a musical. IMDB Top 250 spot: Not ranked. Care much? Us neither.

Deadline Hollywood Daily is reporting that earlier today, star Emile Hirsch informed UTA, his agency of seven years, that he would no longer be using their services. They write: "[Hirsch] is planning to park himself with his manager Sam Maydew, I'm told. 'He claims he just doesn't want an agent.'" His agent Shani Rosenzweig, meanwhile, is described as "gobsmacked" by the news, a state of shock that falls somewhere between "flabbergasted," "blindsinded," and "OMFG" on the stunned-reaction spectrum. It will certainly be a sad moment this coming awards season when he and Rosenzweig aren't able to share in any accolades bestowed upon the young actor for his physically taxing performance as an overcaffeinated AV club geek in Gus Van Sant's Milk.

• More 'Speed Racer' Fallout: Emile Hirsch Exits United Talent; "Total Shocker" [Deadline Hollywood Daily]
• 'Speed Racer' comes in 3rd as 'Iron Man' maintains grip [AP]

For starters, outgoing Picturehouse president Bob Berney told Variety that Warners' abdication of the art house is purely philosophical:

"Their decision was not to be in this business," he said. "It's not a reflection on me or Picturehouse. It's not their world."

Berney has no specific plans for a new job. "A lot of people want to do something — companies, investors. I am confident at the end of the day I will find something, but it needs to be a place that fits," he said. Berney added that he and several others from Picturehouse will be in Cannes as scheduled. WIP is sending a smaller contingent than originally planned.

[A]m I genuinely sad for the good people of these two companies? Yes. Will I make some phone calls for a few of them when they write, looking for new jobs? Yes. But is losing two companies that put out less than 10 films a year and grossed less than $50 million a year total each on average, even with the financial backing - however lame - of major studios? Not a tragedy... just a reasonable business choice from businessmen who were not terribly smart or reasonable when they launched these divisions in the first place.

In other words: We may mourn, but the numbers don't. That's entertainment.

The fallout from this move also effectively kills Cruise and partner Paula Wagner's United Artists revival at MGM. Our speculation as to whether or not UA could fill the potential DreamWorks void at Paramount hardly seems to matter when Cruise goes 0-for-2 with Lions For Lambs and Valkyrie, with the latter strikeout sending the humiliated schmogul and his pride to Team MGM's disabled list. Right now the best Cruise can hope for is a Mission Impossible 4 green light at Paramount — without the heavy back-end, without the Scientology drama and without the antics that earned Sumner Redstone's public enmity in 2006. Either that or a vacation to the John Hughes estate or a similarly low-lying area where his mystique (and demand) can recover away from the Valkyrie shock and awe. We'd miss him, of course, but we'd understand if he and the family wanted to decompress.

Of course that won't happen; his vulnerability makes him too attractive a target for new partners who can appeal to his ego. Per UA's agreement with MGM, a lot of those calls will run through Parent's office, an escalating power conduit in itself from which the Valkyrie whacking (not to mention Rick Sands' departure and last week's acquisition of the coveted Robert Ludlum property The Matarese Circle) is the soundest expression yet of who is in charge at the Lion. "She will be damn sure to pick movies she can market," Anne Thompson wrote Monday at her Variety blog. "That's half the battle. And Hollywood sat up and took notice of this move, because they know that Parent gets it." At least someone here does. Movie star, heal thyself.

PREVIOUSLY: Delayed Flight of 'Valkyrie' a Good Sign, Says MGM