• Young women having personal drama in dangerous places seems to the theme of the CW's upcoming development slate, revealed yesterday. In the works: a drama about women at the CIA's spy school, a soap opera by Veronica Mars creator Rob Thomas set in space and a show featuring original music by country star Brad Paisley about a young woman headed for Nashville stardom. [Variety]

• Hollywood perennial war — the battle between distributors and theater owners has heated up again, sparked by Paramount's attempt to sell the DVD of GI Joe and The Goods a mere 88 days after their theatrical debuts, within the 90 day window traditionally given to the multiplexes. "We don't know what Paramount is up to, but it's highly objectionable," was National Association of Theatre Owners president John Fithian's response to the plan. [THR]

• Anheuser-Busch has signed a deal to be the sole and exclusive sponsor of this week's Saturday Night Live, buying out the entire ad space. The brewery will also be hosting sponsored watch parties of the branded episode around America. [LAT]

• The Wrap reports on Warner Brothers contradictory marketing plans for their upcoming Where the Wild Things Are release, selling it simultaneously as an adult film, with a campaign of branded merch sold at Urban Outfitters and as a kids movie. Having just seen it, given the choice between where its a grown-up and kids film, we'd like to vote neither. [The Wrap]

• Former Friends star David Schwimmer will direct Clive Owen and Catherine Keener in, Trust, the very un-Friends-like tale of a couple whose lives are turned upside down when their daughter is stalked by an online predator. [THR]

It means that we will miss out on our favorite part of the television season, where, after all the months of hype, a bunch of shows fail spectacularly and are canceled after only a few weeks. Usually that time of year is right now, and so far we only have one casualty (RIP TBL). Fuck this series of slow deaths, we miss our annual massacre!

It also means that we're going to be stuck with NCIS: Los Angeles and a host of other crap for the long haul. It also means that, while many are performing well, thanks to NBC and their awful Jay Leno experiment, there are actually fewer series premieres this year than usual. It even further means there are fewer people watching network television. You know when your show doesn't even crack 10 million and it's considered a big victory times are getting tough.

Here's a breakdown of how everything is doing so far:

The Good:

• NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS) is the clear breakout hit with 18.7 million on its debut, proving once again that Americans love shitty television.
• The Good Wife (CBS) bobbled most of it's lead in, but pulled in an excellent 13.7 million viewers and won its time slot. Way to go, Carol Hathaway!
• Modern Family (ABC) rode positive ratings to a 12.7 million bow and its companion Cougar Town (ABC) was right behind it with 11.6.
• Flash Forward (ABC) predicted itself 12.4 million viewers, so we'll at least see how the mystery ends. Still, it's no Lost.
• The Vampire Diaries only scared up 4.8 million (shit more teenage girls than that stand wailing out front of Robert Pattinson's hotel room on a daily basis), but that was The CW's highest debut ever.
• The Cleveland Show (Fox) did just about as well as Family Guy with a 9.4 million on a Sunday night.
• Accidentally on Purpose (CBS) made 9 million people not laugh.
• The Forgotten (ABC) and Eastwick (ABC) were just on the right side of average with 9.5 and 9.3 million respectively.
• Though the numbers for Glee (Fox) weren't the highest at 7.3 million, it's still being considered a victory since a show this good and quirky actually seems to be finding some sort of audience.

The Bad:

• The Jay Leno Show (NBC) started out nice and strong with an amazing 18 million, but then fell to 5.7 million a week later and its ratings continue to go up and down a bit, but usually lands at the bottom of the pile. Please, please, make the unfunny stop!
• Community (NBC) also had a strong debut, keeping most of the run-off from the Office for an audience of 7.7 million. However, the next week, more than 2 million checked out and its ratings were down to 5.4 million.
• Medical drama Mercy (NBC) will be on life support soon, with only 8.2 checking it out on it's first Wednesday night. Yes, NBC officially sucks.

The Ugly:

• Brothers (Fox) started off with 2.8 million. Let's see how long it holds on.
• Melrose Place is hobbling along with only 2.3 million viewers in its opening week, and not much more since then. The network has ordered more episodes and Heather Locklear is set to come back in November, so lets hope she can breathe life into this thing for the second time.
• The Beautiful Life (CW) already got it's ass canceled. We blame Mischa Barton's wisdom teeth.

Yes, we missed this little (read: HUGE) bit of news last week because I was busy weeping from joy/beauty/soaring heartbreak in the Place des Vosges and nobody else here watches this unfortunate pile of misery and pearls of a TV show, but it does, late or not, bear mentioning.

Nikkie Finke reported last week that the intended 80's-set spinoff of the high society kidz show has been axed by The CW. So Gossip Girl is left with a bizarro stand-alone episode about Lily's youthful rebellion in the whiskey-soaked days of rock 'n' roll Venice Beach. Which creates something of a sad curiosity—an Olympic stadium half built, only to have the bid go to another city, a birthday cake sitting in the refrigerator even though little Jimmy died in the grain thresher just this morning, a party dress laid out softly on a bed, curtains billowing in the window, while outside zombies devour everyone. Poor Andrew McCarthy just can't get a break. But Brittany Snow? Consider yourself rescued.

Now, of course, Finke is not the last word on this. People are still acting like the prom queen isn't dead, and she may not be. But with the CW in triage like every other network, it may be time to face the tough turkey: Gossip Girl isn't a hit, it's just a cultural foofaraw. It's no Top Model, it's no One Tree Hill, it's not even Supernatural. So in this day and age, what with the economy and all, a glitzy new wing added to the already empty and echoing Versailles that Cecily von Ziegesar built might not be the best thing toward keeping the monarchy in place. (France!)

So, watch tonight, it could be your first and only time to observe this curious artifact—that lovely new necklace you just bought for charming Miss Marie-Antoinette.

Though the first one hasn't even been released, Warner Bros. has already struck a deal with director Todd Phillips to create a sequel to The Hangover, a comedy starring Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, and Zach Galifianakis. The film has apparently tested well and a trailer had people rolling in the aisles at ShoWest. [Variety] Joel Schumacher, the sometimes-hackish director who nearly killed the Batman franchise until Christopher Nolan, dressed as Florence Nightingale, ran over to save it, has assembled one of the weirder casts possible for his new movie, Twelve. The film about youth and drugs and murder, based on a book, will star 50 Cent, Ellen Barkin, Kiefer Sutherland, Nancy Drew, the youngest acting Culkin, and Chace Crawford. [Variety]

As if there wasn't enough crap on TBS and TNT already, Turner has just signed a deal with Tyler Perry, getting first network TV rights to his oeuvre. Perhaps it's the Atlanta connection that keeps the two juggernauts working together (TBS airs two Tyler Perry-created shows)? Turner has also cornered the market on Jason Statham movies, picking up Crank 2: High Voltage, The Transporter 3, and the actually pretty good The Bank Job. [Variety]

New Line has cast area creepo Jackie Earle Haley as its next Freddy Krueger. The movie haus is putting together a sequel/reboot of their classic kills-you-in-your-sleep franchise, creatively titled A Nightmare On Elm Street. It's good casting, but man oh man must Robert Englund be pissed. [Variety] Jason Katims, the busy showrunner type from Friday Night Lights and the upcoming Parenthood, has signed on to steer another series. This one is called Dorothy Gale and is modern Wizard of Oz story about a girl who moves from Kansas to big, bad Manhattan to pursue her dream of working in the art world. Katims' first act as boss? Deeming the original title, Ugly Dorothy Has Sex in the City with Her Friends and then Meets Your Mother, too long. [Variety]

Erstwhile Hollywood star Christina Ricci has been cast in the new Adam Sandler movie, though it doesn't look as though Sandler himself will star. But he did write it! It's about a guy who discovers that his parents were secretly porn stars in the 70's, so he moves to Hollywood to continue the proud family tradition. Ricci plays the confused girlfriend. [THR] Speaking of comedy, the CW is jettisoning its half-hour sitcom programming at the end of this season, but one of its sitcoms, The Game, is hoping to stay on. Show creator Mara Brock Akil is expected to pitch the show as an hour-long dramedy. The series, about wives of famous athletes, is a spin-off from the net's more successful series Girlfriends. As THR gently points out, the rest of the net's series are "far less urban," mostly because they don't have many black people on them. So it might be a tough sell. [THR]

· NBC didn't see much of a ratings improvement the day after Super Bowl. Not that we really see why they should. ("James Harrison's amazing interception surely means Hiro has a less stupid subplot on Heroes this week!") Still, Chuck posted modest gains for its heavily hyped 3-D episode. [Variety, THR]
· Bestselling Hemingway bio "Papa Hemingway: A Personal Memoir," has been optioned for a movie adaptation by The Gotham Group. Why do we have a feeling this will go to Leo? [THR]
· King of Queens showrunners Kathy Yuspa and Josh Goldsmith got a greenlight from CBS on their single-camera sitcom The Fish Tank, about a kid who gets the house to himself five days a week. thirtysomething creators Marshall Herskovitz and Edward Zwick's drama A Marriage got a pilot pickup from CBS as well. [THR, THR]
· The Universal backlot will reopen this summer after the inferno last June that destroyed four acres and all of the archives. [Variety]

How mad are they? Mad enough to totally drop the CW and MTV from their channel lineup for no real reason! The Philadelphia Inquirer's David Hiltbrand noticed the weird omission and checked in with Scott Crystal, TV Guide's CEO and president. "There are now hundreds of channels on television and we can only accommodate approximately 70 in our primetime grids," he e-mailed. "In the past few weeks, the following networks have not appeared in the grids: MTV, CW, DIY and TV Guide Network." Damn, even TV Guide Network! Must have been an awkward office Christmas party.

But why would TV Guide drop those high-profile networks from its scheduling grids while retaining, say, QVC? According to Variety, it's because the home shopping network is a major advertiser—which might also explain why the extra room in the grid has been filled by an expanded listing for MyNetwork, broadcast networks' laughable baby cousin who no one talks about. Also, Variety speculates, maybe the magazine is now read exclusively by old people who can't figure out why their set-top box remotes are not emitting money when they try to stick their ATM cards in. If that's the case, will any of them notice that there are no upcoming times listed for The Hills and Privileged? They will not, preferring instead to use the magazine as a TV dinner coaster and an occasional reminder of when The Bonnie Hunt Show is on.

• TV Guide drops CW, MTV listings [Variety]

After the jump: Which former SNL shlub is now channeling some Justin Therouxesque, bespectacled sex appeal?

· Wait a second—THAT's Horatio Sanz? Geez, leaving SNL must make you hotter. [THR]
· Timothy Olyphant will star in the remake of George Romero's The Crazies. He was totally crazy in Live Free or Die Hard, so this is perfect casting! [THR]

"She has been an excellent patient, and after aggressive antibiotics and medications, she is expected to make a full recovery in the next three to five days," the doctor adds.

Momsen, 15, was in L.A. to take a school exam when she "woke up with a sore throat," a source close to the actress tells Us.

"She thought it was just a common cold, but was advised to see an ear, nose & throat specialist before getting on a plane back to New York," the source adds.

While her condition has stabilized, we recommend anyone in the general NYC or L.A. areas with even the most minor of throat irritations to rush immediately to your nearest ER, screaming, "I THINK I CAUGHT GOSSIP GIRL EBOLA! I'M GOING TO DIE!! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!" and letting the health professionals on duty take it from there.

• EXCLUSIVE: Taylor Momsen Hospitalized After Battling Life-Threatening Throat Infection [Us]

· The National Assn. of Theater Owners is abandoning ShoWest, and starting its own convention beginning in 2011, where they'll award the NATO Breakout Star of the Year Award—the closest Chace Crawford will ever come to actively contributing to world peace. [Variety]
· French-Canadian comedy hit Taxi 0-22, about an Archie Bunkerish cab driver with a gay son, is being shopped around to American TV studios. [THR]
· Two new CW series, Easy Money and Valentine, Inc., have been put on hiatus "to give writers time to catch up on scripts." Take your time, guys! [THR]

Jennie Garth had her own take on the matter, telling People:

Since you started the new 90210, who did the fans want the father to be?
It’s funny because everyone who was a fan of the original show has an opinion about who Kelly ended up with. I had been so detached from it for so long that I was like, I don’t even know how the show left it off. Had she gone away with Brandon or Dylan? I remember that one time when she said, ‘I choose me,’ which was really great. That was hilarious to me. I’d have to say it’s 50/50–it’s either Brandon or Dylan. Everyone wanted to know who the father was, and you know, I’d say it could be Steve Sanders or it could be Nat from the Peach Pit. You don’t know.

...How do you think the fans will react to the news?
Either way, whether the son was Brandon’s or Dylan’s, the fans will be excited. Because that’s a direct connection with what they want–the original show. And those characters from the original show are seared into those old hardcore fans’ mind, and to have that connection and to have that tie-in, they’re going to love it. And they’re going to analyze everything that little kid does. He has no idea what he’s gotten himself into.

Seriously! Shouldn't that little boy have sideburns out to here by now?

• 90210[The CW]

Boomp3.com

After exiting Hollywood's most notorious celebrity motel, the Chateau Marmont, the rising star of 90210 2.0 Shenae Grimes was asked by a group of photographers if she could tone down her smiling just a bit. Grimes felt perplexed by the request and asked why wouldn't they want a photo of her smiling. One photographer said, "We do, but we just want a wide variety of facial reactions. Mad, gassy, sad and so on and so on." Grimes tried her best to look slightly indifferent, but could only achieve a look of mild exasperation.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Now we have 90210. And, new on the CW: Privileged. As Robert Bianco writes for USA Today: "What an odd America CW inhabits. As far as CW is concerned these days, we all live in a land where most everyone is white, wealthy and incredibly, well, privileged." But one of the most popular shows on the CW has a diverse mix of racial and socio-economic backgrounds, with men, women, blacks, whites, Latins, gays, straights and "fiercees" all working together: America's Next Top Model.

It's not strange that Tyra's show appeals to women of all demographics — my mom loves it, and it definitely has a strong teen following — because it's campy fun while still showcasing real human personalities faced with real challenges. Not the ridiculous photo shoots: The tasks that teach the contestants things like honesty, confidence and self-awareness. Of course, the makeup and pretty clothes can't be denied.

But makeup and pretty clothes aren't enough, which is why Privileged seems to fall flat. (USA Today's Bianco calls it "a second-rate imitation" of Gossip Girl, with "clunky jokes, overwrought performances and a tone that implies we're actually supposed to care.") As for 90210, Entertainment Weekly's Ken Tucker calls it the "Sarah Palin" of TV Shows: "Its main purpose is to remind you of a trusty old product while adding some new vigor and soap opera to the cultural discourse." (Meanwhile, Gossip Girl is earning pretty good ratings so far this season.)

But the real question is: Why can't the CW network take some of the multi-culti, LBGT-friendly vibes Tyra brings to America's Next Top Model and sprinkle them in the rest of the whitewashed (except for Everybody Hates Chris) prime time programming? CW network president Dawn Ostroff tells AdAge that she is looking for a new head of reality. And she says: "Our primary goal each season is to develop shows that fit with the CW's brand identity, connect with our core female viewers and help create audience flow across the week. And 90210 accomplished each those perfectly." Hear that? Adopted black kids (who happen to be jocks!) are "perfect."

'Privileged': The Kids Are All White, And Kind Of Shallow, Too [USA Today]
Family Drama, the CW Way [AdAge]
CW Dazzles in Prime With Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill [MediaWeek]
90210 Review [EW]

He said: "Am I looking forward to it? Er, I'm intrigued by it. I think, like, I'm intrigued by it, sure.'

When asked if he'd like to rejoin his former co-stars Shannon Doherty and Jennie Garth on the show, Jason bluntly replied: 'Er, not really no.'

And when a reporter asked if he believed the show should have been brought back, he said simply: 'It's none of my business, really is it?'

How can Priestly give such a cavalier brush-off to the franchise that an appreciative Tori Spelling is so desperate to re-join? Perhaps he caught the pilot episode cameo from a similarly hirsute Mark the Cobrasnake and decided it'd take a lot more facial hair (and a few more "mega-burgers") before a return appearance from Brandon Walsh would show those peach-fuzzed youngsters how a real man learns valuable lessons in under sixty minutes.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• No close shave for 90210's Jason Priestley as he lets his heartthrob status slip [Daily Mail]

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: Okay, but back to the fistfight: fact or fiction?...
DOHERTY: No, we never punched each other.
GARTH: Scratching? I'm not going to deny that.

More excerpts (and salacious sexual revelations) after the jump!

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: For the new 90210, you were both involved with determining where Kelly and Brenda were in their lives. Jennie, the producers initially wanted Kelly to be a West Beverly Hills High School board member, right? How did she become a guidance counselor?
GARTH: I didn't want to be on the show for no reason. I wanted to have some value. When Gabe and [exec producer] Jeff [Judah] told me some of the things they were doing, I was like, ''Whoa. That is not 90210, people.''...
ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: What kinds of things?
DOHERTY: All I know is there's a girl giving a guy a b—- job in the first episode.
GARTH: When they told me that, I thought, Aaron Spelling is rolling over in his grave right now.

Dare we dream that Lucille Bluth is the loose woman in question? That's right, CW: Bluthwatch '08 continues! But then, this tidbit concerning the initial Garth/Doherty reunion:

GARTH: There had been so much buildup. Everyone was asking me before what it was going to be like. I was like, ''I don't know. I haven't talked to her in 10 or 15 years.'' I had that tension and I started to let it get to me. Is she going to be nice? Is it going to be a bad environment? But when I saw her everything was fine. [To Shannen] I was going to call you and tell you this — I got your number from Gabe [Sachs, 90210 producer] but I never called.

Jennie, Jennie, Jennie! Have you still not learned to use a phone after the Tori debacle? We know that the kids today have moved onto Sidekicks and iPhones, but sheesh: can't somebody hand the girl an oversized 90's cell phone she feels familiar with?

• '90210''s Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth: The EW Reunion [EW]

Boomp3.com

Baloney McCheesestick seized a golden opportunity on Thursday afternoon to get busy with Gossip Girl star Blake Lively. Baloney's parents knew that one of their child's greatest desires was to hump the leg of one of the actresses from the popular CW series. Baloney's mother said, "Whenever we watch the show, Baloney just goes to town on his little sleep pillow." Baloney's father felt that his son's habit had become disturbing, but is optimistic that Baloney's session with Blake Lively's right boot will cure his problem. Baloney's father said, "He's been there, he's done it and, hopefully, it's over. We can only hope that he doesn't get into the new 90210."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pic]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

9021-Oh Yes: Jennie Garth was recently photographed filming scenes for the new season, looking appropriately guidance counselor-esque, sporting the latest fashions from the Coldwater Creek catalog. What happened to 1992 when Kelly Taylor was slutting it up at the Beverly Hills Beach Club, betraying her friend, and licking Dylan's sideburns? Sure, it may be an unrealistic portrayal for her character now, but perhaps just a dash of the Collin-adoring, coke-snorting Kelly from 1996 wouldn't hurt.

More details on David Silver and Peach Pit impresario Nat Bussichio after the jump!

9021-Oh My: Fire up those mega-burgers, because Joe E. Tata is back for the pilot – and possibly additional episodes. Will Nat Bussichio's little-seen wife return? Or will be continue down Creepy Street hanging with 30-year-olds and dispensing heavy-handed and inevitably grease-laden advice?

9021-Oh No: Unfortunately, West Beverly's greatest dancer and Color Me Badd stalker, David Silver, will not be returning to the beloved zip code. Besides, Brian Austin Green has bigger fish with down-playing his status as possible Megan Fox Maneating victim. As he told The Insider, "We're solid. We've lived together for three years. We have tattoos of each other's names." Which, of course, means Notorious BAG will soon be visiting his local tatoo-removal establishment.

• Peach Pit Owner Nat To Star On 90210 Spin-Off [USMagazine.com]

Garth was the first desperado to sign on and, unlike newly departed Tori Spelling, the always awesome Joe E. Tata is still rumored to be on board as the Peach Pit’s warm and fuzzy overlord Nat once again. But, sadly, he will not be reuniting with star employeee Brandon — Jason Priestley will not be growing out his sideburns to enlighten us on the Walsh heir's dark descent into drugs and liquor while living outside the fading marquee of his failed After Party club franchise. But he will direct! As for Luke Perry, the failed Broadway star is way too busy to even give a return to the only show anyone remembers him for a moment's pause. He's starring opposite C. Thomas Howell in made-for-TV Westerns! Leave him alone! He's got cheaper budgets and lower ratings records to focus on!

• SHANNEN DOHERTY IN TALKS TO RETURN TO '90210' [People]