“Ms. Ferocity knows damn well if she keeps up the drugs like most of her addicted colleagues have, she’ll say buh-bye to everything she’s nabbed… that is why Fake à la employs some of Hell-Ay’s fanciest docs, their specialty being weaning famous folks off drugs via synthetic goodies that’ll make anybody’s bad day a tad more doable.”

Though Ted makes it crystal clear that Ms. Ferocity is the busting-at-the-seams Angelina Jolie, the idea that Jolie would risk turning the Chosen Two into heroin babies seemed out of the question until we heard yet another rumor that (gasp!), the cherubs not only have already been pushed out, but are holding on for dear life:

As we all fondly remember, People egregiously reported that the Chosen Two had been born an entire month ago, only to backtrack and look like idiots. But that hasn't stopped other gossip outlets from looking like idiots! As the NY Daily News reports today, "the premature infants are being secretly cared for in a French hospital. 'They're waiting till the babies are bigger and stronger before they allow anyone to take their picture,' contends a source." Coupled with Ted's seemingly too-sordid-to-be-true story, the idea that Jolie's couplet would be born a wee bit early due to "fancy docs" filling her up with meds to ward of 'drawls, the silly rumor becomes slightly easier to swallow. Until of course we hear the NYDN source's explanation for very recent photos showing Jolie still looking very pregnant: "Maybe it's a prosthetic tummy." Right. Jolie is high on horse tranquilizers, tending to sick infants in a hospital, and somehow found the time to custom-order a prosthetic Chosen Two bump. Color us cynics, but we remain unconvinced.

[Photo Source: Getty Images]

• NOT SO BLIND ITEM? [ONTD]
• BRANGELINA TWINS IN HIDING? [NYDN]

The News does not supply any details regarding the grandiosity of what lies inside Brangelina's temporary French compound (aka Base Camp 1 for the twins' delivery). But after reading about the following reported items Brad and Angelina have hand-picked for their LA compound, we're glad that information remains sealed. Among the outrageously ornate girly pieces: two pink crystal chandeliers, bassinets made out of organza to protect their soon-to-be-enormous heads, cribs said to be "Versailles-style," perhaps to trick these chickadees into thinking they're still on the Riviera, and matching armoires worth $4,500 each. Speaking of thousands of dollars, the room's decorating costs are said to total $140,000. Doesn't sound like much? Just take into consideration the doctors' fees these jewels will cost Brangelina once face-scratching Zahara gets a look at them. We can only hope that, rather than turning out to be outrageously spoiled self-important monsters, they turn out the way Fitzgerald said every girl ought to turn into: beautiful little fools.

[Photo credit: Getty]

• BIG BEDROOM BUILT FOR BRANGELINA BABIES [NYDN]

In case you hadn’t heard, Europe is expensive. Coffee costs five bucks, the dollar is like a penny, and it takes a lot of money to look as cheap as Victoria Beckham. And apparently, having a kid over there will set you back about $10 million. That is, if you’re Angelina Jolie and you’re giving birth to the world’s most important children, The Chosen Two. According to Life & Style, Brad and Angie are set to push out their newest soccer team members in France, where they’ll spend up to $20 million dollars on “birthing costs,” including every new mom’s standard requirements like helicopters, villas on the Riviera, and a fleet of nine cars. The full breakdown on just how expensive it is to have a kid when you’re Brangelina, after the jump.

As soon as Jolie's lavender-scented water breaks, Brad will reportedly call in a helicopter to await the twins' magical arrival, and be ready at a moment's notice to swoop down and usurp the brood out of the hospital and away from the paparazzi. Which will cost approximately $332,000. $3.3 million will go towards the expansive house on the Mediterranean where the Chosen Two will take their first steps. And as for those nine cars, the mag says they'll cost the pair $100,000. Including all the "security" and "medical costs" required for the impending birth, the Jolie-Pitts are looking at a bill nearing $20 million. As a source explains, "Money is no object when it comes to the kids....They can drop thousands of dollars on them in a day,...They’d do anything for them.” Yes, you see, any parents who do not spend millions of dollars just to push out a couple of newborns simply don't care enough. Thank you once again Angelina Jolie, for making the rest of us feel utterly inferior to you as often as possible.

• THE SCOOP [MSNBC]

On the tape (viewable here), Jolie emotionally explains to an unseen male how being tied down by somebody else isn't all about nipple clamps and "dripping candle wax," but something she's considering making a film about because it comes from "that real, real place." After tears rise up in her eyes just thinking about people who "share" their wildly varying sexuality with the world, the meandering conversation wanders to second-degree lizardslaughter. Jolie recalls being "a bad girl – beating up my friends," and admits she still feels guilty after killing off a few childhood pets — one of which was a hamster she decided to take a shower with. Despite the young Jolie's presumably innocent attempt to "heal" the pet by cleansing it in the nude, the rodent caught pneumonia. We just hope Zahara doesn't catch wind of this tape anytime soon and take vigilant notes on how next to take down Shiloh and her precious lips.

• FROM HEROIN TO HEROINE [The Sun]

As Natalie Morales' best week ever continues, the (also expecting) Today Show correspondent revealed yet another tidbit: Hoffman decided to let her (and, by extension, the entire world) know that the twins are due on August 19th. As Lost fans, we should probably go ahead and find out what secrets hide behind the numbers 8, 1, 9, and 19, but we don't have enough time (or shame) at the moment. With her privacy sufficiently invaded, Jolie let her guard down during a press conference in Cannes after a reporter asked where she planned on giving birth: "I actually haven't completely decided...We are certainly thinking of France." Which means she can finally check off another country on her International Soccer Team Nationality Map! Sadly for Sweden, Jolie isn't feeling the Scandinavian love right now: "Asked by a Swedish reporter if she'd consider giving birth in Sweden, Jolie responded, 'Not at this time... But, you never know, there's more babies.'" More babies? Where are "more babies" hiding and what bizarre names do they have? More importantly, do they attack The Chosen One with utensils like the rest of the team?

• ANGELINA'S TWINS ARE DUE AUG. 19 [People]
• ANGELINA JOLIE ALLUDES TO GIVING BIRTH IN FRANCE [Us]
• THE TODAY SHOW [MSNBC]

Despite the fact that just about everyone and their favorite blog have known that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are expecting two Chosen Ones this time around, heroin dabbler-turned-UN Ambassador Jolie had yet to officially confirm the news. And until a Today Show interview taped today in Cannes, featuring Jolie and co-star Jack Black promoting their upcoming animated flick Kung Fu Panda, we’re pretty sure the very pregnant actress would have kept her lips sealed until the day those magical spawns open their cherubic eyes for the first time. But thanks to an impromptu joke made by Black, Jolie was put on the spot, and clever Today host Natalie Morales took full advantage of it...

During the interview, scheduled to air tomorrow morning, the scruffy Black proved that "funny" actors will do and say just about anything to get a laugh. Unfortunately for Jolie, her co-star felt the need to crack this joke for no apparent reason: "You're gonna have as many as [the] Brady Bunch when you have these." As we all know, the feisty Brangelina tribe currently adds up to four. Being the masterful mathematician that she is, Morales struck while the iron was hot and asked Jolie if she was expecting twins. Jolie's response? "Yeah, yeah, we've confirmed that already. Well, Jack's just confirmed it actually." Despite the awkward moment, we have to give kudos to Jolie for handling the tense situation with apparent grace, and cleaning up Black's mess.

[Photo credit: NBC via People]

• ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD PITT EXPECTING TWINS [People]

Even more intriguing than her size, though, is whether she'll go the casual maternity wear route like Julia or cling to glamour til the end like Jen. Angie fell somewhere in between during her last bout, but there are two of those nymph-like Ones in there! Will the weight of carrying such glorious specimens empowered with more perfection and cherubic good looks than the entire population of Beverly Hills combined break her will to appear on CNN 'til the bitter end? One can only hope.

[Photo Credits: Wireimage, Daily Mail, yousaytoo.com]

• MOTHER LOADS! ANGELINA JOLIE AND HALLE BERRY FLAUNT THEIR GROWING TUMMIES [Daily Mail]

X17online inside source confirms that she's not only pregnant, she's expecting twins!

Faced with the introduction of 200% more amorphous-white-blob to her system than she has ever been able to withstand before, we predict Jolie will have a hard time adjusting to the concept of eating for three, knowing all along that many Third World countries aren't even capable of adequately feeding one. Still, if the news is true, it's unbelievably joyous, if for no other reason that Shiloh can use all the extra manpower she can get in the greatly mismatched Refugees vs. Wombies family volleyball tournaments their mom insists on mounting at their Malibu compound.

• X17 XCLUSIVE - Angelina Jolie Pregnant With Twins [X17]