Gawker: defamer, the chosen twins

'Angelina With Hamburger,' And Other Brad Pitt Photographic Masterpieces

Seth — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 13:30:16 EDT

Having scrutinized the cover of W magazine featuring "BRAD PITT'S PRIVATE PHOTOS OF ANGELINA JOLIE," and come to the conclusion that the actress has the strangest starfish-shaped left nipple we've ever seen, we now offer the rest of the architect/photographer/heartthrob's black & white collection.

We begin, quite whimsically, with this study of junk-food aficionado Jolie consuming a delicious hambourgeois. A close-up on her sunglasses, meanwhile, offers a happy, reflective surprise.

More photos, including "Lactating Noir," after the jump!

At left, one of the Chosen Twins feasts on his mother's milk. Baby bjorn custom made by Ann Demeulemeester. Hat by Chanel. Sunglasses by Fendi. Mother's hair by Fekkai & Company. Baby's hair by Fekkai 4 Kidz.
Right, the Jolie pillow lips are puckered into a harlequin pout possessing roughly the same suction-power as an industrial Dirt Devil.

Two studies of mother and children: (L) Budding knife addict Maddox cackling gleefully at his favorite story about the pushy paparazzo strung up by his feet by security and pecked to death by Namibian vultures. (R) Shiloh and her half-leopard adopted brother cozy up to their mom for their daily bindi-application.

Pitt's family life through a lens [The Sun]

Behold, The Chosen Blobs

Seth — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 14:05:00 EDT

As we teased Friday, courtesy of the deep, deep pockets of the celebrity-baby-photo-crazy people at People, we bring you the first electronically captured and distributed images of The Chosen Blobs, the second and third genetically flawless products of Angelina Jolie's overtaxed loins. Similar in golden hue to their older sister—but providing twice the miraculous healing and war-ending properties—little Knox Léon and Vivienne Marcheline are pictured napping peacefully beneath their enraptured parents, cute enough to be devoured like two tiny, butter-poached escargots.

Meet Vivienne & Knox Jolie-Pitt [People]

The Chosen Two Cometh! World Gets on With Life Without Pregnant Brangelina

STV — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 12:25:00 EDT

Congratulations this morning to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, the latter of whose womb has reportedly yielded its blobby, twinsy bounty at last. We think. It's official, isn't it? The Chosen Two are here? After InTouch called it Saturday afternoon, Extra overrode it an hour later and the rest of the world simply hedged somewhere in between until Jolie's exhausted doctor fled the delivery room craving a stiff drink, we can finally, confidently move on to the postgame show. Select reactions, including an overjoyed grandfather, and a French bureaucrat with paperwork, after the jump:

—The mayor of Nice, Christian Estrosi, went before the cameras Saturday evening with Knox Leon's birth certificate; officially carved from Jolie's belly at 6:27 p.m., he was one minute older than little sis Vivienne Marcheline.

—Jon Voight is excited, even if he apparently had to pass along his grandfatherly love through second-rate gossip conduit Pat O'Brien and has yet to be summoned to his daughter's bedside. But! "If I were called today, I'd be there," he added.

—And seriously, Jolie would have called, except she and Pitt were having too much fun in the delivery room. No, really, said Dr. Michael Sussman: "It was an epidural, so [Angelina] was awake and speaking and laughing. They were happy. ... Saturday was a great day for us all."

—First photos of the blobs could fetch up to $20 million. We don't want to talk about it.

—Can't stand to live in a world without a pregnant Brangelina? US Weekly has just the remedy: The official "Angelina's Bump Days" memorial slideshow. And yes, Mary Hart — it's real. Or was, anyway.

[Photo Credit: AFP]

Still Pregnant Angelina Jolie Demands Salmon, Refuses To Shower; Twins Understandably Stay Put

Regan — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 14:25:00 EDT

It seems that Nice's favorite "very, very nice" patient and her well-appointed womb has taken a turn toward Grumpyville. Nearing the end of her seemingly endless gestation period, Angelina Jolie has grown tired of her hospital/hotel and its Michelin Star-less menu and has started demanding that salmon be brought in from other Clooney-approved restaurants. And, more ominously, reports have surfaced that Jolie has abandoned her strict one-shower-a-day regimen. A collective gasp...

It's been a week since the hoards of press gathered at the Jolie-approved press conference to learn that nothing has happened, is happening, will happen for "weeks to come." And without vital information such as this, the media was forced to gather these stories from the next best source: disgruntled hospital staff.

"I think she's in meltdown mode. She's been getting upset if there's not enough ice in her glass."

To be fair, an adequate amount of ice, a perfect drink makes.

But far worse, Jolie has abandoned her typical Jolie behavior like tatoo-ing Mr. Jolie's back or proudly commending Maddox on his Charlton Heston-y ways and instead, has morphed into some sort of mousy-haired housewife from Kansas:

She's not walking around anymore. She doesn't even take a shower early in the morning. She just stays in bed, talking on her phone, typing on her computer, reading magazines and watching TV.

Luckily, Jolie will soon return to her Benetton-approved family and enjoy adequately iced beverages because the World's Most Important Pregnancy is scheduled to conclude via c-section on Tuesday.

"Shit," said the unborn twins.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

Heavily pregnant Angelina Jolie 'fed up and can't wait for twins to be born' [Daily Mail]