A shame-ridden Bachelor-watcher (hailing from Canada, or thereaboots) has, using fancy gumshoe freeze-framing tricks that would make Blade Runner's Rick Deckard flush with envy, determined the identity of this season's lucky ring-winner.

Ironically enough, it's another piece of fingerware that ultimately gives her away. While Videogum is suspicious—"making all of the women pose while Jason pretends to propose to them is EXACTLY the type of thing they would do on this show"—we're inclined to think this intrepid Canuck has indeed cracked the Bachelor code. (Seriously, though—a gold pinkie ring? Does she ask the other bachelorettes to kiss it before bashing in the traitor's skull with a baseball bat?)

• Grown Man Ashamed To Have Figured Out Who Wins The Bachelor [Videogum]

On Monday, a jealous Walters promptly chastised the studio audience for shouting compliments to Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar, scolding, "When you see a group of people, you don't look at one of them and say, 'We love you.'" Then, as Sherri Shepherd related her brief encounters with Jeremy Piven, Walters expressed both total, unvarnished boredom and condescension on the matter of time zones (though the latter was admittedly well-earned).

On today's show, Walters was in danger of heading into the first commercial break with nary a slam to her credit, but she finally found an unlikely opportunity after her cohosts indulged in a "taint"-filled discussion of Rod Blagojevich and the Senate seat to which he appointed Roland Burris. This prompted Walters to attempt a tortured analogy that essentially called Elisabeth Hasselbeck a bonehead (but not because she loves The Bachelor?). Whatever, it's Barbara logic—just enjoy how Elisabeth hears her name and starts to perk up approvingly before Babs sticks the shiv in.

• The View [ABC]

How else to explain some of the measures taken on last night's premiere, in which personable single-dad Jason Mesnick (himself the rejectee of stunningly blank-brained Bachelorette Deanna Pappas, herself the rejectee of Hunkiest Bachelor Ever Brad Womack) sat slack-jawed and powerless over host Chris Harrison's demand that the 25 candidates vote one out. Of course, they played right into producers' hands: Once identified, the toilet-mouthed mother-of-one was instead given the evening's first rose, her highly developed, catfight-instigating talents sure to be put to good use in episodes to come.

But were that the only cheap gimmick in store! In the preview above, Pappas makes a return to tell the runner-up she'd made a terrible mistake in thwarting him in favor of Jesse Csincsak, the snowboarding simpleton she recently left at the altar.

Seriously—who writes this shit?

• The Bachelor [ABC]

• Gambling Nights (NSFW) [lastnightsparty.com]

"We tried hard to make it work but we realized that we were both heading in different directions," they said in a statement Thursday. "We truly care about each other and will remain close friends."

Engaged since the May 12 finale of the reality show, the pair have fought off breakup rumors since June when Grant, a global financier, moved out of the actress' L.A. pad.

"I never really moved in there," he tells Us Weekly in its latest issue, on newsstands now.

This news bodes not well for all other series franchisee couples: Anyone who tuned in to the tear-jerking finale—in which BBG dropped to one knee and, finally at a comfortable eye-level with Lamas, slipped an obsessively documented engagement ring upon her finger—would be forgiven for assuming that his swoon-inducing pledges of "I love you. Monkey. Will you marry me?" were nothing but genuine. We pin our competitive-reality-romance hopes now on The Bachelorette's DeAnna Pappas and Jesse Csincsak, praying that when the snowboard instructor scribbled "many years of whip creamy cheesecake" on a list of proposal talking-points, that he indeed meant every word of his decadent, strawberry-topped romantic pledge.

• Bachelor Matt Grant & Fiancée Shayne Lamas Call It Quits [Us]

Star
Jamie Lynn's "baby joy turns to tears…" because her shotgun wedding to Casey Aldridge is allegedly off! Despite frequent, happy looking trips to Wal-Mart, the two teens fight all the time. Even worse, Casey is reportedly two-timing Jamie Lynn! "Casey is acting like a dog," a local yokel notes. And Casey's not the only "celebrity" behaving badly. The Hills Whitney Port is acting like a diva, showing up late to appearances and demanding trips to 7-Eleven. Even more shocking: a Whitney Port personal appearance commands $14,000. New moms Melissa Joan Hart and Jaime Pressly are gabbing about their new baby boys. Jaime ate cabbage soup six days a week and worked out two hours a day to lose her baby weight. Sounds…farty and ill-advised. Lilo hates Mary-Kate Olsen because of her friendship with Samantha Ronson, although MK is really scared of people thinking she's a lezebel. John Mayer has a touch of the OCD: since moving in with Jennifer Aniston at her hotel in Florida while she shoots Marley and Me, he has been cleaning up after her cleaning lady. Jen, who is 9 years older than John, is also featured in a spread called "Cougar Season" alongside Mariah, Ellen DeGeneres, and ur-Cougar Demi Moore. Ladies sometimes date younger men: this is not news. We are officially over the term "cougar."
Grade: D (falling asleep outside and having someone write "Dick" on your stomach in sunblock)
Us
Former jilted Bachelor star Andrew Firestone has a "Second Chance At Love," the Us cover blares. Even though ex-fiancée Jen Schefft dumped him on his keister after the show aired, Firestone has found love with a leggy blonde Serbian model named Ivana Bozilovic. You guys, it's so hard to rebound from a break-up when you're a ridiculously good-looking heir to a tire fortune. Firestone has been through so much! Not as much as breakup postergirl Jennifer Aniston. But things seem to be looking up for our formerly depressed diva! Her friends all love new boyfriend John Mayer, even notoriously tough Courteney Cox. Several preggers stars are just about ready to "pop": Gwen Stefani, Nicole Kidman, Jamie Lynn Spears, Luciana Damon (Matt's wife) and Ryan Shawhughes (Ethan Hawke's gf) are among the super pregs. Patrick Swayze has gone back to work on the forthcoming A&E series The Beast even though he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. No cancer puts Patrick in a corner! Kim Cattrall signed on to executive produce and star in a new HBO comedy, Sensitive Skin, which is about a woman rediscovering her sexuality. "Even though it's my name, and the word skin is there, it's a very subtle show," she assures Us. Mmmkay.
Grade: D- (subway smells on a 99 degree day)
In Touch
Angelina is "Pushing Brad Away!" Nooooes! Apparently Ange has violent mood swings because of all the pregnancy hormones and Brad can't deal with it. He took Maddox to the MotoGP motorcycling championship just to get the eff away from Angie. At least she's not back to her Billy Bob humping days, but allegedly Nicole Richie is back to her old bad habits, namely not eating. She's down to 95 pounds, only ten pounds heavier than her scary looking lowest point. Also back to bad habits: Brit Brit. She's back on the sauce, but still not doing drugs, though some fear that Britney's cocktail swilling might lead back down the road to cocaine corner. Also: there's some sidebar saying that Britney's boozing is causing her to have acne. WTF? Did a boob job come between George Clooney and Sarah Larson? Apparently Larson got her tatas done in May, and George wasn't happy about it. Sarah, however, is so thrilled with her new bod that she is considering posing for Playboy. Sigh.
Grade: F+ (second degree sunburn)
OK!
Aw, Shiloh is excited about Angelina's new babies! Apparently SO excited that OK! felt the need to devote four pages to the minutia of Shiloh's very existence. She has "pull-up diapers and tells Mom and Dad when she has to go to the bathroom"! She is learning to sleep alone! She puts her hands on Angie's stomach to feel the twins kick! Um, just like ANY OTHER TWO-YEAR-OLD EVER IN THE HISTORY OF LIFE. Brad Pitt might be making babies these days, but according to a "friend" of John Mayer's, Brad doesn't stack up to John in the sack. John is "Not just good, but sensational" at the sex." Jen is so appreciative that she's started glowing and wearing dresses. Or something like that. Mutiny in The Hills! Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge are brawling. There's a photo shoot with Audrina at her pool house, behind the main house where Lauren and Lo live, and apparently L.C. was pissed about it. "She was very, very mad." Audrina says. "She said it's her house. But this is my room…No she thinks I'm sneaky and shady for doing this photo shoot, yet she and her team knew about it." Dramz!
Grade: F (boob sweat on a date)
Life & Style
Katie is Tom's Prisoner. Again. Katie went to New York for four days to rehearse for her new play, All My Sons, and she never went anywhere but the hotel and the theater. She looked annoyed at a party, according to an "insider" and it's because she feels suffocated. Is John Mayer ready to be a dad? Life & Style ponders. Jen started talking about a friend's fertility treatment over dinner and John "swiftly" changed the subject. "This spinach is awesome…It's very garlicky," Mayer reportedly said. Heh. Maybe that's why Jennifer Aniston has been feuding with He's Just Not That Into You co-star, Jennifer Connelly. The cast of the film, which includes Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin, got together for a Marie Claire photoshoot, and Aniston threatened to pull out if Connelly was included. Janet Jackson looks to be "up 20 pounds" since October, and she needs to lose weight before her Rock Wichu tour in September. She plans to eat healthier and exercise more and blah blah blah.

Grade: F- (heatstroke)

Well, this time, DeAnna's in charge—so watch out, fellas! Unfortunately, she's a complete drip, and watching 25 desperate men enact their bizarre, species-specific mating dances (everything from duck calls, to karate kicks, to special-needs abs exhibition) isn't nearly as entertaining as watching 25 French-manicured bitches punching each other's wombs in a no-rules battle royale for the trophy husband of their dreams. Still, just as we were ready to pack it in and declare this manhunt a washout, who should saunter along but performance-enhancing-drug- and tribal-tattoo-enthusiast Greg, who, eliminated in the first round, promptly liberated himself from the constraints of that evening's formal dress requirements. Greg, you will be missed. Run free with the ca-yotes, our prince among men.

• The Bachelorette [ABC]

Not only was she His One, she was also the unwitting beneficiary of a new Bachelor contestant contract stipulation that sought to avoid a repeat of last year's gazebo bloodbath, in which no bachelorette (none!) was chosen. As Paragraph 27D clearly states, "The Bachelor MUST choose a bachelorette from the 25 lovely ladies chosen for him. The Bachelor MUST drop to one knee during the Final Rose ceremony. The Bachelor MUST present said Final Rose recipient with a diamond engagement ring (provided by the network). The Bachelor is NOT required to propose marriage at that time, but network reserves right to create the illusion of a proposal via looping, editing, and/or the use of a lookalike or stunt double." By the time the last digital seams are faded in post, the effect is astonishing: We defy you to differentiate between actual love and what you witness in the video above.

• The Bachelor [ABC]

Instead, we were treated to a too-long-overdue reunion with Stacey—the Bachelors in Nutrition-holding embodiment of our wildest drunken-reality-TV-slut fantasies—who came bearing yet another non-virginal sacrificial offering of panties for the man who got away. (They were instantly placed by a stagehand into a biohazard refuse container with a pair a salad tongs. Those too were promptly discarded.) But for your clip-viewing enjoyment, we've included the inevitable (even her own mother called this moment) montage of Amanda, cursed with a rare hiccup condition that transforms the contestant into a knockout version of The Muppets' Beaker whenever nerves get the better of her. Enjoy.

• The Bachelor [ABC]

There, father Lorenzo was able to experience for himself the remarkable, reverse G-force effects of Grant's soul-sucking personality vacuum. The burrito-smuggling Are You Hot? The Search for America's Sexiest People panelist also warned his potential future son-in-law (and by extension, all of America) about Shayne's true intentions, though all doubts were swiftly dispelled the moment she took her suitor's hand and told him, "I am not here for any reason than to be here for you," then leaned in to embrace the pre-selected love of her life, crossed fingers and toes safely hidden from the ever-present cameras.

• The Bachelor: London Calling [ABC]

But who are we kidding: Of course they did! In last night's season premiere of The Bachelor: London Calling (a title we're all but certain has the hearty endorsement of all surviving Clash members), Hunkiest British Bachelor Ever Matt Grant was floored by the non-stop parade of beauties, plucked from all 13 colonies and working in every imaginable profession—from administrative assistant to pharmaceutical sales rep to administrative pharmaceutical sales rep assistant. But only one earned our First Impression Rose (lovingly crafted out of pipe cleaners and a coffee filter), and that is contestant Stacey from Chicago. Clearly the result of a network mandate to "add a little I Love New York flavor to the season," Stacey rocketed directly into our hearts the moment she slur-relayed her life's dream of using her "Bachelors in Nutrition...to find a pharmaceutical that will cure something that no one has thought of." By the time she was passed out face-first, unconsciously humping the bare twin mattress to the rhythm of her own snoring, we knew we had found The One.

• The Bachelor: London Calling [ABC]

To his credit, Womack rose to the challenge, even knowing that his hunky, lunkheaded charms—or, in a pinch, the mesmerizing removal of his shirt for a peek at his Strip-O-Gram-quality abs—would be of no use against this particular inquisitor. Watch the clip, then head off into your weekend with a marginally greater degree of closure than you had three-and-a-half minutes ago.

• The Ellen DeGeneres Show [ellen.warnerbos.com]
• Previously: 'The Bachelor' Made To Answer For His Crimes Against TV Love [Defamer]

Police say that Delgado and Velvick...got in an angry confrontation at 12:15 on Wednesday morning. According to police, Delgado hit Velvick in the face, splitting his upper lip. Velvick refused medical treatment at the scene.

When police arrived at the two-bedroom townhouse that the couple shares in Tampa, Fla., they arrested Delgado, 40, and took her to the Pinellas County Jail, where she was fingerprinted, photographed and charged with one count of battery. She spent about 14 hours in lockup, being released at 2:58 on Wednesday afternoon...The charge, a first-degree misdemeanor, is punishable by up to one year in jail.

While we're relieved that Velvick chose not to escalate things by swinging a 22 lb. striped bass at his fiancée's head, the ugly incident nevertheless offers a vivid illustration of how even the seemingly most charmed of reality-TV-spun fairy tales sometimes offer less than happily-ever-after endings. Still, we doubt one domestic squabble will do much to assuage a still-enraged reunion show audience, who have spent the days since Tuesday's broadcast clogging ABC phone lines with demands that forsaken DeAnna be given her own season of The Bachelorette that kicks off with Host Chris Harrison ritually removing Womack's shriveled, useless heart with a rusty trowel on the very Proposal Podium where the shocking jilting took place.

• Bachelor Winner Arrested for Assaulting Fiancé [People]

Not unsurprisingly, the studio audience gasped in horror at his every attempt to clarify his thought process as if the inarticulate Texan had dropped his trousers and defecated upon the very idea of Romance itself, creating the kinds of uncomfortable moments that are crucial to any reality show's success. Please enjoy this brief montage of Womack's time before a firing squad comprised of a mildly confrontational host, a pair of recently jilted ex-lovers, and dozens of appalled, contestant-sympathizing guests ready to bathe in the cad's blood.

• The Bachelor [ABC.com]
• Previously: The Bachelor Chooses Singledom, Depriving Finalists Of Their Hard-Earned Fake Engagement [Defamer]

We invite you to relive (or live for the first time, if you had something better to watch last night) this historic and emotionally devastating moment, one that will likely be followed by Womack's immediate relocation to Los Angeles, where he can enjoy the sexual attention of countless singles who think they can finally teach the dream-destroying Texan, so obviously damaged by the manipulation of producers hoping for the usual months of free publicity from the BRAD AND DEANNA: STILL TOGETHER? People cover stories counting off the days until his sham engagement inevitably petered out, to fake-love again.

• The Bachelor [ABC.com]

The rascally Romeo... was "draping his arms around and flirting with women from the minute he arrived," said our appalled female spy. "Forget the dogs. Someone needs to put him on a leash."

Forgive us for wanting to faint at his impropriety, but we are just crushed . We're devastated that a guy of alleged royal blood and great fortune, who wants nothing more than to meet a true kindred spirit in front of a bunch of TV cameras (because he somehow hasn't met enough carnal mambo partners by using his princehood and money), would disrespect the sanctity of The Bachelor in this manner. If anyone next tries to tell us that the contestants on this past summer's Master of Champions were neither masters nor champions, we are going to lose faith in the world completely, retreat to a small corner of Idaho, and raise a brood of those kicky little mini-ponies.

• PROWLING PRINCE [Page Six]