Spade is a funny dude, but that can’t be it. Surely he must have a secret—something that draws the skirts to him like men’s bathrooms draw George Michael. Thankfully, Moehringer wasn’t afraid to do a little digging, and through exhaustive interviews with Spade and various ladies he’s flirted with, he may have actually hit upon the reason for all the chick-magnet-madness.

Spade’s platonic friend Courtney Cox Arquette explains it thusly: “He has good teeth.” But the most illuminating reason comes from David himself. When asked what advice he’d give a single guy, Spade says:

"Be normal and kind of have your shit together. And be consistent and reliable. Just not a flake. Really, the thing is, not to be a superflake. Don’t be an asshole. Don’t be supercocky. Don’t be a show-off. Everyone for some reason feels the need to show off.”

So that’s it? Just don’t be a dick? Admittedly that’s a hard thing to do in this town, but we still think Spade must have a dump truck full of Roofies stashed his house. Otherwise it just doesn’t add up.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• The Don Juan of Our Time [Los Angeles Magazine]

In today's installment: Russell Crowe, Drew Barrymore, Kiefer Sutherland, Teri Hatcher, Matthew Perry, Chris "Mr. Big" Noth, Chrissie Hynde, Jemaine "Flight Of The Conchords" Clement, Mindy Kaling, Samantha Mathis (with Keith Carradine!), Werner Herzog, Dax Shepard (with Bradley Cooper!), Cedric Yarbrough and Professor Cornell West.

APRIL 10
· Another Matthew Perry Trivia sighting at Barney's Beanery in Pasadena on Thursday. His team of 4, "Dos Dedos", only contained one dressed-up young lady this time, and most likely took first right in front of the antagonistically-named "Bing's Bingers". I say "most likely" because I left before they announced my losing score...

APRIL 11
· Standing in line with all the middle aged punkers at the X reunion show at the Henry Fonda Theatre was Chrissie Hynde...She looked great and didn't look like she's had any work done...couldn't believe she had to wait in line with the rest of us!

APRIL 12
· Drew Barrymore was at the Derby Dolls roller derby on Saturday night April 12th. Here is some photographic evidence.

· I was having lunch at Cafe '50's in Sherman Oaks around 1pm. I couldn't help but notice that every 10 minutes or so, a group of girls ages 7-12 (?) wearing colored bandanas (different colored than the last group, not different colored from each other) with an assigned parent or guardian would come in and have their photo taken by the jukebox (I heard one mother saying it was a scavenger hunt). After 2 or so waves of bandana-wearing tots, Teri Hatcher came in leading the Pink Bandana group. She wasn't wearing much makeup and politely asked for the someone to take the group's photo (that's a switch) by the jukebox. Then they were off, presumably to find 12 bottlecaps or some such that was next on the scavenger list.

APRIL 13
· Russell Crowe with his wife and boys strolling around the Century City mall on Sunday afternoon. They looked like every other family suffering from heat exhaustion.

· Mindy Kaling from The Office having a brunch at Joan's on Third. Met up with some (nonfamous) friends, looked cute and casual, drives an adorable Mini Cooper.

APRIL 14
· Samantha Mathis and Keith Carradine (don't think they were together but stranger pairings have happened in this town) at the Arclight on Monday night. I assume they were there for the special screening that little me wasn't invited to because I didn't see them at my screening of The Visitor. Just before the movie, as I was exiting the ladies room I passed Carradine entering the men's room undoing his pants several feet before the doorway. Note to guys: ick.

· Today at approx. 5:00 PM at the Starbucks in Dana Point, Chris Noth and his girlfriend walked into my Starbucks and ordered a drink. Chris ordered a Chai Tea Latte and his girlfriend had a chop chop pasta salad. They were not with the baby. His girlfriend seemed very very nice. She actually asked for a fork from me and I told her where they were but we were out so I went to the back to get some and brought back one to her and handed it to her and she said thank you and was very nice about it. However, Chris was sort of a dick. Not really a dick to me but a total dick to his girlfriend. Anyways, I thought this was a notable celebrity sighting..

APRIL 16
· could have sworn i saw Jack Bauer at Dan's Subs in the Valley. He even had the arm tats, looked great clean shaven ...he was not with the woman from ny. He had his arm wrapped around a different raven haven hair chic. Much more busty and shorter. at one point he called her Janet (or maybe Janice). He was very happy and relaxed.

· Today at the Koo Koo Roo on Wilshire I saw Cedric Yarbrough, Jonesie from Reno 911. He was hanging out by himself eating lunch listening to something on his earphones. I don't want to say anything bad about him being there or being lame or anything like that because I LOVE Reno 911 and my boyfriend doesn't, so there.

· Jemaine Clement of Flight of the Conchords waiting to cross Los Feliz Boulevard at Hillhurst. Had to look twice because, although that block of the street is not so lousy with hipsters, Clement was blending in with his surroundings. Is he staying in one of the big-ass apartment buildings on the north side of Los Feliz?

APRIL 17
· Saw Werner Herzog at Hollywood Video on Westwood Blvd. ask the clerk if they had a used copy of 'Jungle 2 Jungle' on VHS. [Ed. Note - Really?]

APRIL 18
· Odd couple Dax Shepard & Bradley Cooper (Nip/Tuck, Wedding Crashers) at Katsuya in Studio City.

APRIL 19
· Toast on 3rd Street, today. Was putting my name on the host's list, when I saw an older man in a black suit out of the corner of my eye. I told my friend, "Huh, that orthodox dude looks like Cornell West." And It WAS Cornell West! He was having lunch with a more casually attired Tavis Smiley. The PBS whore in me was totally freaking out.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

As the Times notes, Hatcher "has both confirmed and denied" having work done, but the image at left of Hatcher in 1991's Soapdish shows a smoother, plumper visage. And Carrie Fisher's triumphant and hilarious guest appearance on 30 Rock last year was tarnished only because "you had to hit the rewind button a few times to make sure it was her."

As much as we adore Barbara Walters til death does us part, it's hard to ignore her incapability to express more than one stoic expression on The View these days. And Melanie Griffith's less-than-stellar career of late hasn't been helped by what the Times refers to as "much-speculated-upon changes to [her] visage."

And then there are the two wild cards. As easy as it seems to label Priscilla and Marcia Cross as Botox users, we can't help but notice how similar they look to their decade(s)-old versions. Maybe we're going out on a limb, but is it possible that these two were simply born with sky-high eyebrow arches and remarkable cheekbones? As they say, maybe she's born with it.

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage]

• ON TV: BOTOX. FACE-LIFTS. RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY. [LAT]

As Hatcher tells Usmagazine.com, it was Denton and her daughter who picked out the song for her, and while we've never been huge Carrie Underwood fans, we sincerely hope the only time we ever hear this song again is on her watch. More importantly, we sincerely hope the next time we see a long-haired toothpick grinding against their mic, that toothpick will be Steven Tyler, and that mic will be wearing a scarf.

• TERI HATCHER: SINGING ON IDOL WAS 'NERVE-WRACKING' [US Magazine]

Nicole has the same trouble expressing concern as MJ....

Goldie Hawn shares his tendency to maniacally smile at the camera...

Renee's lemon-sucking lips are eerily similar to his...

And Teri just looks as though she must have ordered The Michael Deluxe off the plastic surgery menu.

[Photo Credits: Getty and Wire Image]

• BOTOX IS TURNING NICOLE KIDMAN INTO A 'BAT FACE' SAYS COSEMTIC GURU [Daily Mail]

• frightcatalog.com

4. Dreamgirls Is This Year's Brokeback Mountain.

We got a call from a friend on Monday, who gave us this report from a Dreamgirls screening in New York: "The entire audience was gay men and straight women." Indeed, Dreamgirls (our favorite movie of the year — our being mine, I'll give the guys a break on this one) is the gayest romp since Heath and Jake zipped their sleeping bags into a single love cocoon. Those outfits! That hair! That weird gay disco dancing scene with the huge red light sabers! An overweight black diva! We only hope this movie is wearing protection as it thrusts its power ballads up into your musical loving ass.

We're going to savor that last sentence for a while, trying our best to ignore its deeply offensive implications that a movie musical based loosely on the life of Diana Ross could be so gay, it could actually cause audiences to seroconvert.

• The 10 Best 10 Best Lists of 2006, #3: The 10 Gayest Moments of 2006 [BestWeekEver.tv]

Browsing the latest Worth 1000 Photoshop contest that challenges participants to take the fanciful leap of imagination required to render some of the world's biggest female stars as anorexics (whoever submitted the Nicole Kidman entry really should have been disqualified for lazily adding barely a brushstroke), we were struck by how much the Jessica Alba-with-a-meth-habit "after" submission was evocative of contemporary Teri Hatcher portraiture. It should be a comfort to Alba knowing that long after she has tumbled off the "must" lists and descended into a decade-and-a-half-long tailspin at the crusty bottom of a glass pipe, our love of a good comeback will always ensure that Hollywood's door will forever remain, for lack of a better turn of phrase, cracked open.

• Fasting Time 2 [Worth1000.com via CityRag]

"Extra" has confirmed that Eva Longoria slipped down the stairs of her trailer on the set of "Desperate Housewives" yesterday. She was taken to a local hospital and treated for bruised ribs. Her publicist tells "Extra" that Eva still has plans to travel to Paris later today.

In a statement to "Extra," Liza Anderson (Longoria's publicist) says, "Yesterday Eva slipped on one of the stairs coming out of her trailer. She was taken to St. Joseph's Hospital in Burbank for X-rays. Nothing is broken, but her ribs are very bruised. She expects to return to work as scheduled.''

Longoria's black and blue torso couldn't come at a worse moment, as shooting of Housewives is shifting into full swing, and the actress is reportedly already distracted by a love triangle involving quick-dribbling main squeeze Tony Parker and a former Saved By The Bell-er recently caught without pants. Had the diabolical set known all that, perhaps it would have felt badly and instead moved on to a spork-through-the-cheek mishap involving an as-yet-untargeted Nicollette Sheridan.

• Previously: Teri Hatcher Latest Victim Of Haunted 'Housewives' Set [Defamer]

In today's classic episode: Jay Leno; Sacha Baron Cohen; Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Paul Reubens, John Hensley, Steve Coogan, John Stamos and Bob Saget; Reese Witherspoon; Paul Haggis; Steven Bochco and Kevin Dillon; Teri Hatcher, George Lopez and Jane Leeves; Jeremy Piven; Julian McMahon and Dylan Walsh; Steve-O; Adam Brody; James Duval; Sting and Trudie; Tara Reid; Evangeline Lilly; Justin Chambers; Sean Hayes; Renee Russo; James Spader; Danny Masterson; Alfre Woodard; Rachel Hunger; Richard Simmons; Lil Jon and Rob Corddry; Billy Dee Williams; Greg Proops; Keir O'Donnell and Kyp Malone; Mickey Jones and Daniel Franco.

· We were at Bob's Big Boy in Burbank last Friday (9-16) evening when none other than Jay Leno pulls into the parking lot in some kind of antique convertible contraption. He honked the horn - it was a strange sound, almost like a fog horn - to let everyone know he'd arrived. But nobody really paid any attention. He just sat in his car waiting for people to come talk to him, but nobody did.

A couple hours later we were exiting another restaurant across the street when Leno pulled into THAT parking lot, again blowing his horn. Again, nobody really paid much attention. By now it was almost 10 o'clock at night, I assume he hadn't been home yet because we were a few blocks from NBC. Doesn't this guy have a wife?

· I saw Sacha Baron Cohen yesterday at Sinai Temple for Rosh Hashanah services. One person came up to him, and Cohen just put his finger to his mouth and went shussh!

· The South Park 10th Anniversary party last night (9.21) was filled with comedy gold: along with a very gracious and spiffed-up Trey and Matt, you had the Comeback's Laura Silverman; Sacha Baron Cohen (decidedly low-key and talking so low he could hardly be heard, and again, not wanting any pictures taken while he wasn't in character); Paul Reubens, no doubt talking about how he's going to do another Pee-Wee movie; and Steve Coogan, who was very nice and left by himself all Tristam Shandy-like. There was also a Full House reunion — John Stamos and Bob Saget — though obviously, not so much with the comedy gold. Stamos was palling around with the How's Your News crew.

We also saw the Nip/Tuck kid, John Hensley. Not as sullen-looking in person.

· In a rush on Thursday, 4:30pm, I was lucky to find a parking space at Whole Foods on San Vicente (Brentwood). As I'm parking, an even more rushing Reese Witherspoon (jeans, white oxford, black sweater, little makeup) gets into her black SUV right next to my non-descript forest green Avalon. Her children are complaining—one utters "that's it, I've had it"—to which mommy Reese responds "oh, it's so hard being you!" in a very cute way. She then looks at me, as if I'm supposed to feign some kind of "kids are so cute and so insupportable" expression. But I'm in a rush and I need for her to close her door and scoot her booty so that I can get past her, so I think I threw her a 'get outta my way, don't have time to play Holly Hobbie' look. Inside Whole Foods, I regret it. Maybe it could have been the start of a friendship?

· saw man-of-the-people Paul Haggis (get a haircut, man) today during lunch at the Brentwood Country Mart, eating at City Bakery with some other tall gangly Scandinavian looking guy). Seriously, even the dishwashers are white at that place.

· So I've had this craving for Mastro's ever since Ari and the boys went there for a celebratory meal on Entourage. Owed a birthday dinner by my pal, I figured the time was ripe last night (9-28) to cash in on a food coma-inducing evening of lobster mashed and a 33 oz. T-bone. Just as I pulled up, I saw from behind a white-haired dude walk smack into the valet stand sign, causing my awaiting companion to say to him: "Ouch. Saw that one coming." A few moments later in the lobby, the signage attack victim turns out to be Steven Bochco, the creator of Cop Rock! He seemed uninjured, and besides the tapered, too-short, light-blue-wash denim jeans and white socks with brown dress shoes, was looking pretty good. The maitre d' told him to wait around until his party had arrived, asking if he was "Steve"—he didn't like that too much—and moments later a young man arrived whom he embraced very warmly, trailed by two women. They were promptly whisked to their table.

Cut to: End of meal. I get up, feeling like an anaconda who just swallowed an entire cow, and who should be sitting directly behind me but Drama, aka Kevin Dillon, aka the whole reason I was at the joint in the first place. He was with a pretty Asian girl who had an infant in a baby-carrier and another gentleman. I immediately gushed to him about how he unwittingly caused this fortuitous meeting of like-minded carnivores. Just kidding! I quickly glanced away and shuffled out of the room, then babbled about my sighting to my friend, just like any Angeleno would do.

· So I have only been in Los Angeles six weeks, and to this point I've only had two quasi-celebrity sightings which don't really count. I saw Teri Hatcher at the grove, as well as some guy who according to my friend, was "on six feet under". Whoop-de-doo. Anyways, I was at the Abbot Kinney Festival in Venice on Saturday 9-23, and I was in the midst of scoping out some lame home-grown paint splatters when I happen to glance up and see JEREMY PIVEN stroll by, in his little zone, just meandering along noticing this and that and doing his best to pass off as a normal person. He was wearing a red bandanna, jeans and a t-shirt, which was odd to me considering that up to this point I had only seen him in his Ari-uniform. He was with some hot blonde chick, and it was funny to observe some other hot blonde chick come up to the two of them and try to convince him that he knew her from god-knows-what previous booze-heavy social event that they both happened to be at. I couldn't help but reflect on the intricacies of being a well-known actor of his stature- having to deal with the awkward situation of having to deflect rampant female attention whenever one is on a date. It must get tough. Anyways, thought you might appreciate that if Monday turns out to be a slow news day.

· Sunday Sept. 24, walking through the handicap entrance at Space Mountain in Disneyland and Teri Hatcher was waiting with her daughter and a small group to get one the ride. She was actually really sweet—my daughter was in a wheelchair and she told her party to look out and let the my daughter by. She looked just like she does on TV and like I said she was really very sweet. Same day saw Jane Leeves from Fraiser on our way to Splash Mountain. Also saw George Lopez numerous times throughout the day every time we were entering the wheelchair entrance is seemed he was leaving the same ride. by the end of the day he was saying "oh hi again" to our little group. It was quite a day. the three little girls I had with me were really excited about all the sightings.

· Julian McMahon and Dylan Walsh (the two male leads from Nip Tuck) were at Birds last night (9/22). Julian got a bit intoxicated and bought the bar a whole round at last call. He looked really hot in person, his costar Dylan was really cute too, but short. Julian was all over this hot blonde with a red skirt on, it looked like they were dating and at the end of the night he and Dylan left with her and her guy friend. It was an okay sighting, not as good as Robin Williams dancing on the bar there but it will suffice.

· a trio of sightings over the weekend:
- steve-o at tiny's k.o. on hollywood & cahuenga (9/24) bustling around in a blood-stained shirt with an entourage of older biker looking guys - asked my friend and i for aspirin because of all the whippets he had done earlier that day, and then disappeared down hollywood blvd. with some girls who pulled off his shirt to see his steve-o back tattoo, you know, to make sure it was really him.
- adam brody (sans rachel bilson) at fred 62 in los feliz (9/25) for some sunday afternoon brunch with a friend;
- and my favorite sighting of the three: former gregg araki muse/star of 'the doom generation', the soft spoken james duval grocery shopping at the mayfair market on franklin (9/25). i think he was onto the fact that i recognized him, but i refrained from becoming a total fan girl and gushing about 'nowhere'.

· Ok, so I love, LOVE these people and respect their tantra and marriage, I even went to the same school as a daughter or two. BUT: First I noticed that everyone at this beautiful out door table at The Chateau Marmont was dressed in light grey, had golden hair, and had the pallor of the walking dead. Then, I noticed how incredibly smooth all the skin at the table was. THEN, I noticed that I was staring at Sting, Trudie and some other people. When did they age? Isn't sex supposed to keep you young? 'Cause we all know about their sex life.

· Picture it...The Four Seasons Biltmore in Santa Barbara...mid-afternoon Sunday brunch (which btw is $65...yeah, we were shocked too)...we walk into the main dining room and I think to myself, "damn...that skank looks like Tara Reid." And it was; she was sitting at a table in the front quadrant of the room and positioned so that no matter when you walked in you could see her. Pucci-like do-rag on her head, tight jeans and some sort of Flash Dance-esque top (I must say she did look quite fit and appeared to be sober). We were then seated right behind her.

And now for the good stuff...in the middle of brunch she gets up and starts pacing around the restaurant on her sidekick. She wasn't talking loud enough for anyone to hear, but she was walking back and forth over the entire front half of the restaurant; sometimes she stopped by other people's tables to continue her conversation. The sad part was that no one stopped her for an autograph or recognized her...the longer she talked and walked, the more she gesticulated to get people to notice here — some angry "do what I say" motions, pointing at nothing and I did see her stomp at least 4 times. This went on for at least 10-15 minutes. Seriously. Her brunch companion (male, sandy hair, looked a little like Michael Douglas but probably only in his late 30s/40s) just sat there with his head on his hand and watched. I must try and get down there more often.

· on 9/25 at 7ish, Evangeline Lilly was sitting alone on the patio of Il Buco in Beverly Hills with hair up, no makeup on & gorgeous in front of a big Mac laptop. no hobbits in sight. She was talking to a server and seemed gracious. no one else was sitting on the patio area. I stared hard at her, and so did the fellows driving next to us. I was like "who are you lookin' at?" and he excitedly confirmed. it was my first celebrity sighting since moving back to LA, so I didn't think to whip out my camera. I just stared uncontrollably.

· Saturday 9/23 saw Justin Chambers (Grey's Anatomy's Alex Karev) lunching @ Cafe Marley on Little Santa Monica in Bev Hills. He was very nice (so much in fact that I may no longer be able to despise his character on the show) taking a photo with some fans, and chatting with me. Also, he's a very pretty man.

· Saturday, 9/23 Edendale Grill & Mixville Bar, Silverlake—Spotted Sean Hayes standing with friends in the back area, sort of maybe trying to be incognito, but failing. He had on a baseball cap and a unzipped hoodie sort of ensemble—very collegiate schlub, a little stubble, but still unmistakable—not as slight/small as I would have thought. Last time I caught sight of him, he was poking through different doorways in the bar and disappeared through one. Also spotted "The WaMu Guy", but I don't know his name...did a guest spot on Grey's Anatomy where he had an ovary. Sorry dude, wish I knew your name, but I don't, and I'm too lazy to hunt you down on IMDb. He was sitting at a table on the front patio, but kept wandering through the back, presumably to use the bathroom.

· Saw Renee Russo with a young man (possibly her son or nephew) at the Bridge movie theater (Howard Hughes Plaza, Culver City), apparently catching a 9-ish show. She was very warm and friendly to the few people who acknowledged her. She was wearing some jeans, stylish tennis shoes, cute tan jacket and matching hat.

· James Spader spotted at the Andrew Bird concert Thursday night at the Henry Fonda Theater. That's the best choice he's made since Sex, Lies and Videotape.

· Sunday, 9/24—And for my third contribution of the week...was walking next to Fred 62 in Los Feliz with a friend and spotted a slight dude in sunglasses with an alarmingly well groomed mustache at a sidewalk table. Realized after a moment that it was Danny Masterson. Honestly, Tom Selleck's lip needs to get up off its ass and take back what is rightfully its own, because that 'stache is working Masterson, not the other way around.

· Saw Alfre Woodard (9/21) on Camden Drive in Beverly Hills...she's very blonde. She was probably coming from Senna (where she gets her eyebrows done). This is so boring, I'm having trouble staying awake to type it................................................

· I just got back from TV on the Radio/Massive Attack concert at the Hollywood Bowl (9/24). I guess I was sitting in the wrong place because Rachel "Block-an-aisle" Hunter and her entourage kicked me and my buddy out of our seats. She reserved the whole aisle, and the seats weren't even that good. She looks a lot older than I thought, and the wrinkles around her mouth made it look like a puckered ass. The blonde and brunette she was stringing along with her looked like two rejected contestants on "America's Top Canine." Hope you enjoyed the show Rach!

· This Saturday 9/23 I was waiting at the gate for my plane from Atlanta to LAX when I see a bunch of flashbulbs go off. I turn to see Richard Simmons in his usual tight short shorts and signature curly hair. It wasn't the paparazzi, but tons of eager fans wanting their picture taken with him. He even obliged some by calling their relatives on the phone for a quick chat. He is truly a ball of energy even away from the cameras. The flight was delayed for an hour because our plane never showed up at the gate, which prompted Richard to heckle the ticket personal there. They, along with the rest of the crowd, were entertained by Richard so the hour passed by relatively quickly. When the plane finally did show up, Richard announced it for us without the use of a loudspeaker. He gave the ticket personal hugs and hand shakes before he boarded the plane, as well as gave all the flight attendants hugs and handshakes as he deboarded the plane. The man is truly a people person.

· Monday, 9/25. Stuck at LAX, standing in the longest customer service line ever, saw Lil Jon waiting for a flight. He looked so much like Lil Jon that I didn't think it was him at first. Then, after our flight was officially canceled and we missed the next flight out because we were still in the customer service line, we went to the crappy Terminal 7 food court (if La Salsa and Boudin bakery counts as a food court) we saw Rob Corddry. I really wanted to say something, and kept trying to "casually" catch his eye. I think I scared him instead. He looked thicker (in a good way) in person.

· 9/22 Saw Billy Dee Williams at the BH Bristol Farms. Capt. Calrissian is still very handsome and his smile just lit up the produce section. Seemed to be walking with a bit of a limp but chatted briefly with a man he knew and seemed really nice.

· 9/22: No need to Kill Bill...he seems to be doing the job himself very well. David Carradine was on my flight from Denver to LAX. Flying first class in a black suit and looking like he's done a lot of hard living. He makes Keith Richards look like a fountain of youth.

· So I went to Massive Attack last night which I'm sure was teeming with super-cool celebs, but the only familiar face that I saw was that of Greg Proops (not that there's anything wrong with him).

· Last night (9/23) at the White Horse. First we saw the depressed artist brother of Rachel McAdams from Wedding Crashers (Keir O'Donnell). He seemed pleased that we recognized him. Then around 1 am, TV on the Radio's Kyp Malone strolled in. One of our friends went up to him after a while and told him our entire group (about 18 of us) were going to see him tomorrow at the Hollywood Bowl and we were really happy he was there. I hope that freaked him out enough.

· Mickey Jones, the ubiquitous "biker-type" character actor (you know him: long, light-colored beard, hefty build. . .) was on both my to and from LAX-DEN flights this weekend. Nice to know that someone with 100+ IMDB entries is willing to sit back in coach with us the crammed in masses—almost made the ride in the loud, rickety, ancient MD-80 tolerable.

· Spotted at American Rag on Sunday: Project Runway reject Daniel Franco, with a flaming gaysian. I am ashamed to admit that he looks way better in person. Daniel Franco, not the gaysian.

She told Britain's You magazine: "Any model or Hollywood actress who wears fancy designer ball gowns knows how to expertly manipulate gaffer tape to mush, lift and hold your breasts like a bra. It's a perfect temporary boob job."

"When you wear those complicated, low-cut dresses, and you're 40, that's how you can achieve perfect cleavage."

So effectively has the adhesive material maximized Hatcher's assests in even the most revealing of complicated, low-cut dresses, there are whispers that Hatcher has now developed a full-on addiction to the entire line of 3M™ products and their temporary rejuvenation benefits. Rumor has it, after excusing herself to "powder her nose" in fine restaurants, the tell-tale sounds of unspooling tape can often be heard coming from within her stall, after which Hatcher will return to the table, her Scotch™-mummified face pulled back into an unsettling look of frozen, youthful surprise.

• Showbiz News [LifeStyleExtra]

The actress - who suffered a serious drought of roles after her turn in "Lois & Clark" - left her longtime manager Eli Selden (a woman) last year during Selden's fight with breast cancer. One source said: "Eli got her the role in 'Desperate Housewives,' and soon after that was diagnosed with breast cancer and fought it valiantly." One source says Hatcher "left Eli because she told her, 'You can't focus on me right now during this important time in my life,' " but another source said: "I think it has more to do with Teri didn't want to be reminded of how she used to be nobody." Selden and Hatcher's agent Steve Small at Paradigm didn't return calls.

We're shocked Small refused to jump at commenting on either of the two attractive options Page Six put on the table. ("So tell us, Steve, did Teri fire Selden because she was dying, or because Eli's name marinates in the stench of failure?") In the grand scheme of Hollywood strategic realignments, however, dismissing one's rep for focusing too much on their own malignancies and not enough on their client's well-deserved career comeback isn't really seen as callous—it's just basic business sense. Those kind of brave, personal struggles are only beneficial when they happen to the client themselves, after which they can sob the words into a triumphant memoir, then promote its sales on a sympathy-garnering whirlwind media tour.

• NOT SWEET, SOUR [NY Post]

Mr. Seacrest blamed his tight schedule and overwhelming media scrutiny of the relationship for his decision to quit Ms. Hatcher. "She's clever," he said. "She's self-deprecating. She's successful. She can pay for dinner. What's wrong? It is strange, but I don't think it was a Teri Hatcher issue. It's a Ryan Seacrest issue."

A relationship will have to wait, he said. For now he's focused on capitalizing on all the opportunities being thrown his way. "You can achieve a lot by hustling now, or you can be lazy and say, 'This is great,' " Mr. Seacrest said. "That is not in my plan."

Bland and ingenuous "It's not neurotic, publicity-happy you, it's suspiciously Mystic-tanned me" excuses aside, Seacrest's hectic schedule would seem to present an obstacle to a relationship with anyone, not just those with undesirable vagina-parts. His career is obviously his priority, and in his rush to establish TV interests lucrative enough to eventually fund a self-contained, 600-acre palace/production facility outside Palm Springs staffed by go-getting, well-muscled associates in official Seacrest Studios loincloths, true love may have to wait a little while.

• From 'Idol' to Empire: The Success of Ryan Seacrest [NY Times]
• Seacrest And Hatcher Kiss Uncomfortably, Pretend Not To Notice The Photographer They Hired [Defamer]

"I was actually really shocked last year when I made the list," said the 31-year-old Longoria, who ranked No. 91 on the 2004 roster.

"So 91 to No. 1 was a big jump, and then to get it a second time in a row — I just couldn't believe it," she said Friday. "I was like, 'Surely there are more beautiful women in the world.' I can name 10."

As (Alba, Jolie, McPhee, Winfrey, Johansson, Couric, Bilson, McAdams, Bosworth, Lansbury and Simpson—J., not A.) can we, though it appears we have no choice but to defer to Maxim's editorial department's highly calibrated "chicks-they'd-like-to-bang" assessment abilities. None of this will be any consolation for Longoria's co-star Teri Hatcher, who limped her way onto the list at #73, a full 25 spots beneath the only other Desperate housewife to make the grade, #48 Nicollette Sheridan. (Perpetual bridesmaid Felicity Huffman was completely passed over once again, with her eerily convincing Transamerica "I have a penis" routine not doing her any hottie-perception favors.) But even as Hatcher sits locked away in her trailer, bitterly refusing to participate in any Hot 100 Housewives set celebrations, we're still confident she'll have her day to outshine her castmates— when her perky, bikini-clad gripples adorn the cover of the lad mag's first annual "Molestation Victims Summer Swimsuit Spectacular!"

• Longoria repeats atop Maxim's Hot 100 [MSNBC/AP]

"There is one body part that you really do like and you don't have a body image about," Nancy said. "And that would be your...can I guess?"

But first we let Felicity Huffman and James Denton give their answers!

"No, oh really, are you going to say that here?" Felicity laughed. "It rhymes with gripples, that's great."

"This is going to be an absolute guess," James said. "I am going to say, her nipples."

Bingo!

"Nipples," Teri laughed. "They're hot."

"Well, at least the men that you go on blind dates with at least they know you have good nipples," Nancy laughed.

"They will have to just sit across the table while they are buying me filet mignon and some fabulous wine thinking, I wonder if I'll ever see those nipples," Teri laughed.

It's a testament to Hatcher's courage that she can so effortlessly segue from the subject of incest to how great her rack looks plopped over a tablecloth at a fancy restaurant. But let's not fail to credit Huffman for adding a new word, "gripples," to the vocabulary of our darkest nightmares—a catchy shorthand combining two of the most common molestation-victim terminologies, "grip" and "nipples."

• Teri Hatcher on 'crazy, wild sex' [MSNBC.com/Access Hollywood]

Teri Hatcher suffered an eye injury when a light bulb exploded on the set of ABC's "Desperate Housewives," People magazine reported Wednesday.

"Glass lodged in my right eye and proceeded to scratch my cornea," Hatcher was quoted as telling the magazine following Tuesday's accident. "I was taken to a wonderful eye doctor, and am now wearing a most glamorous eye patch over the right half of my face."

First a mild concusion, now glass lodged in Teri Hatcher's eyeball: The "incidents" appear to be increasing in severity. By the time Felicity Huffman has fully adapted to her new prosthetic foot and gotten comfortable with the thought of acting near lawnmowers again, we imagine Marcia Cross will be on high alert for any decapitation-seeking runaway camera dollies rolling her way. It's not all gloom and doom on the set, however, as Hatcher's new ocular accessory will finally allow Ryan Seacrest to indulge his long-standing pirate make-out fantasies.

• Teri Hatcher Reportedly Suffers Eye Injury [ABCNews.com/AP]

I went to the GLAAD Media Awards on Saturday night and must say it was a fantastic event. Loads of celebs, booze, etc. But on to the more important sightings/events during the festivities. I was lucky enough to have been able to go to the Celebrity Cocktail Reception before the awards and have to say they did a very nice job. The press line was in the same room as the reception; here are some of the highlights:

· Probably one of the funniest things was seeing the comedian, Ant, getting screamed at by the press line because he ran by most of them — they were literally booing him and screaming that he was an asshole...loud enough that the entire cocktail party stopped talking to see what was happening...brilliant. He was wearing some sort of purple feather/latex overcoat with matching purple feather/latex pants and those goth-type platform shoes. He was the WORST dressed person of the night — and he even presented in that outfit with a very hot Chad Allen. Terrible wig/botox/tan on Ant as well.

· Ted Casablanca (who I think is fabulous, but still) stumbling a bit and looked like he'd had a rough evening — tattered jeans, blazer, grey scruff/goatee · Entire cast of Will & Grace was there — was introduced to Eric McCormack, sweet guy and looked like he had funeral makeup on, his wife looked terrible - hair was very Sharon Stone wind-tunnelish; Debra Messing was stunning (her husband looked miserable and pale); I didn't see Megan Mullally or Sean Hayes until they were on stage, but they both looked fantastic · Cast of Dante's Cove (no idea what channel it is on) — four very handsome black men, wonderfully dressed and very very nice. [ed.note—We think he means Noah's Arc, on Logo] · Jamie Pressley — stunning from head on, but kind of scary/botox from the side · That Samoan football linebacker who came out — TOTALLY wasted — almost knocked a friend of mine down with his 300+ pound frame · Laura Dern very pretty in a naturally beautiful way; introduced a very tiny Melissa Ethridge · Charlize Theron (Vanguard Award) — didn't see her until the show, but wow, one of the most stunning and articulate celebrities I have encountered. She's all leg. · L Word won for best drama I think — Leisha Hailey (Alice) and Mia Kirshner (Jenny) were on stage to accept the award with the producer. Leisha had on what could probably be considered a fantastic cocktail dress for a 14 yr old girl; Mia was wearing some sort of Olsen-inspired baggy shirt/dress with black stretch pants and chunk heels..looked totally strung out...probably second worst-dressed of the night · Teri Hatcher — did not see her come through the press line, nor was she at the reception or dinner. Looked pretty good though · Nicolette Sheridan — tried REALLY hard to be sexy/funny when presenting, but just came off as dull/illiterate and trannyish · Judith Light — whisked through the press line; no on seemed interested · Arquette "sisters" — Rosanna, Particia and Alexis presented together — I'd never seen Alexis outside of Hotdog and she has a lot of electrolysis to finish...and needs boobs. Rosanna looked AMAZING — tan and in a stunning pant suit. Patricia wore a full length piece of blue gauze that made her look pregnant. They all seemed very uneasy and a little awkaward. · Robert Grant — spent a lot of time in the press line; very handsome — kind of looks like an older Ben McKenzie · Garry Marshall — hysterical; presented the award to Will & Grace · Zumanity performed — two hot men in briefs kicking and pushing and jumping on each other with two big girls dressed like they should have been in a Wagnerian opera flanking them. Was a bit odd. · Whomever won for Best Documentary (it was about transgendered people but I cant remember the name) brought some of the subjects of the film on stage; one of the boys asked his girlfriend to marry him...was touching, but also awkward.

[Photo: WireImage via People]

• Charlize Theron, Melissa Etheridge, Transamerica, The L Word, Honored at 17th Annual GLAAD Media Awards Presented by Absolut Vodka in Los Angeles [GLAAD.org]

If you care about such things, and we know you do, some fun, press release facts about the Maxim cover follows after the jump.

EVA LONGORIA COVER BY THE NUMBERS: Size: 75' x 110' Material: Vinyl Mesh windscreen # of stakes in the ground to hold it down: 125 Crew to install: 9 # of hours of printing: 25 # of feet of airline cable to hold in place: 2400? # of hours to install: 15 hours

COORDINATES:
LATITUDE LONGITUDE
35 Degrees 115 Degrees
37? 12.23? N 22? 58.77? W

• Maxim [maximonline]

During his chat with Mandisa, Ryan told Simon Cowell, "And if you read the dictionary, you'd know what 'constructive' means." Simon replied, "Ryan, with respect, I'm not the one trying to look like someone out of 'Desperate Housewives.' Lose the beard." Even though Ryan was sporting some facial hair, the joke didn't make much sense, until you realize that Ryan was photographed 'kissing' Teri Hatcher last week and "beard" has a second meaning.

The entire feud really is a childish and ultimately futile debate—sort of like a carrot and tangerine arguing over who's oranger—though we must admit it does keep us consistently amused. It's nice to know we can rely on Cowell for calling out Seacrest's clench-jawed erotic photo-op exploration of Hatcher's icky lady lips for what it was.

• Simon Cowell tells Ryan Seacrest to "lose the beard," Paula gets booed on crazy Idol [Reality Blurred]
• Previously: Seacrest And Hatcher Kiss Uncomfortably, Pretend Not To Notice The Photographer They Hired [Defamer]

· Teri Hatcher's troubled past is obviously playing a prominent role in her choice of unavailable men;
· If Seacrest's mouth were clenched any tighter (warning: link not safe for sanity), he'd probably shatter all of his teeth en route to swallowing his entire chin.

Special Bonus Section! We can't guarantee that the following PrivacyWatch sighting isn't somehow involved in the above publicity ploy, but someone sent in an account of the odd couple's visit to Malibu a couple of days ago that seemed a little suspicious even before the photos surfaced:

I saw Ryan Seacrest and Teri Hatcher eating a big ass lobster and drinking champagne at popular biker stop "Neptune's Net" on Saturday (3-25-06). I couldn't really tell if they were on a date, but both seemed to be having a good time. There was lots of touching and laughing going on. It was nice to see two celebrities hanging out at a dive restaurant and not acting pretentious at all. They were very friendly to everyone who noticed them and they didn't try to hide their identities at all. Even the two hardcore bikers with long beards who looked that they hadn't showered in months recognized them.

The best was when Seacrest came out with the food looking for a place to sit. At first their were no seats available so some random dude offered to share his seat with Seacrest. Seacrest was confused if the man was getting up, but once he realized that the guy wanted to dine with him and Teri he politely declined the invitation.

A biker bar? Apparently, someone on Seacrest's PR team vetoed a meal at Mr. Confirmed Heterosexual's Steak House And Brewery as too transparent.

• Us Exclusive: Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest Make Out! [US Weekly]

• Teri Hatcher Reveals Claims of Childhood Sexual Abuse at the Hands of an Uncle [Vanity Fair]

Yeah, well who declined? Hatcher, who doesn t have a publicist, emailed The Scoop. I don t have a publicist so I don t know who told you that. Please stop with the stupid gossip if you want to have any further relationship with me.

Regarding Maher, she noted: As per my political beliefs, I am registered voter, and I would rather watch Bill Mahr [sic] from my bed in my pajamas (as I have told him personally, seeing as its one of my favorite shows) than sit on a panel sweating while trying to be quick witted.

As you can see, with a single publicist-unscripted celebrity statement, a non-story about talk show scheduling conflicts is instantly upgraded to the much sexier scoop of "Annoyed Celebrity Acknowledges Gossip Columnist's Existence." With the e-mail's publication, however, we imagine the fun will soon be over; soon to follow will be a newly-hired flack's terse and vaguely-worded statement, along the lines of, "While Ms. Hatcher enjoys many hobbies, including television watching and e-mail correspondence, the story itself, while amusing, is a complete fabrication. That said, Ms. Hatcher would like to take this opportunity to thank her fans for their continued support."

• Teri Hatcher is no desperate politico [MSNBC.com]
• Previously: Teri Hatcher Would Like You To Discuss Her Underwear Now [Defamer]

• Grammy Style: Glam and Girly! [The Insider]
• Previously: Teri Hatcher Would Like You To Discuss Her Underwear Now [Defamer]

"We did a few twirls around to make sure you weren't seeing anything you weren't supposed to be seeing," she told reporters; unfortunately, the thing you really "weren't supposed to be seeing" an aging, nighttime soap star clawing at the spotlight in an outfit that says, "Hey, everyone! Look at me! I'm in my underwear! Isn't that outrageous?!" was still clearly visible to the naked eye.

[Photo: AP]

• Fashion, lack thereof, and politics backstage at the Grammys [AP/Canada.com]

As you can see from the pics above, not only was awkward host Seacrest held above the fray by his "strategic tower perch", he was further insulated from any icky second-base action by a protective bubble any time the E! crew cruelly inserted him next to a shot of his valiantly hands-on colleague. For $21 million, you'd think Seacrest could at least make a token attempt at "accidentally" brushing an arm against one of the Housewives' breasts.

• Scarlett Johansson: Felt Up At Golden Globes!!! [SaveManny]
• Previously: The Golden Globes: An Enchanting Gay Horseback Ride With The Hollywood Foreign Press [Defamer]

"I have tolerated many ridiculous and fabricated lies and gossip in the tabloids," Hatcher, a Golden Globe winner, said in a statement after the case was settled at London's High Court.

"But when a story appeared about me, insinuating that I am an irresponsible and neglectful parent, I had to draw the line."

Her lawyer David Smith told the court that the article had appeared in the Sport on July 25 this year under the heading "Teri's Passion Wagon".

The story was accompanied by a picture of a smiling Hatcher standing next to the van accompanied by the caption: "Tasty Teri's old VW helps her with her sex drive."

The ruling requires the Sport to print a front page apology (the National Enquirer has already printed a groveling retraction for running the story in their own pages) and pay "significant damages." Puff-piece entertainment journalists can now breathe easy knowing Hatcher's public persona is once again in tune with her lovable, no-van-sex-having Desperate Housewives character, allowing for a welcome return to their favorite story angle.

• Hatcher wins sex claims libel case [Reuters]
• Previously: Teri Hatcher Denies Having Serial Van-Sex [Defamer]

The Hollywood actress has instructed London law firm Schillings to issue and serve libel proceedings in the UK against the publishers of the Daily Sport.

The legal proceedings will concern recent articles which Ms Hatcher, 40, maintains falsely alleged that she engages in sex romps on a regular basis with a series of men in a VW van parked outside her LA home for this purpose. [...]

In a statement issued today, the law firm said: "The Sport additionally allege that Ms Hatcher does this so as not to be caught by her seven-year-old daughter during such sexual activity.

Apparently, even the Daily Sport's depiction of Hatcher as a responsible parent trying to shield her impressionable child from the adult world of van-sexuality wasn't enough to mollify her lawyers. If a Brit tabloid insists on fabricating a curbside love-nest for an American television personality in the future, we'd suggest they choose something a little more upscale than Volkswagon's iconic refrigerator on wheels, perhaps something in the Hummer or Lexus families. A starlet just wants to feel classy sometimes, you know?

Also: More drama is sure to ensue as Hatcher's lawsuit overshadows the proud announcement that co-star James Denton will host next year's Miss America pageant.

• Hatcher to sue over 'sex romp' stories [U.TV UK]
• Previously: Happy Thanksgiving From Your Favorite Desperate Housewife! [Defamer]