Which brings me to why I feel like Ms. Hilton today—kinda/sorta/maybe just a li'l. All legal and loony, really. See, my partner, whose name is Jon Powell, got all rather Paris Latsis when we were on a deserted Hawaiian beach.

Mind you, J. didn't have a huge-butt rock with him, but, he did do something that's often accompanied with such brilliant specimens: He proposed. And I do mean marriage, not, just the Pam Anderson-style sandy nooky that often accompanies such traditions. And guess what?

I said yes.

So, get ready, Ah-nuld, you homo-bashing big-hair. Since the California legislature approved gay marriage, only to be vetoed by your fruit-served self (I mean, do you all know how many gays have serviced Schwarzenegger's girlie coiffure alone?), I suspect my attention to your sorry and sagging behind will only increase during my engagement.

If the above words do, as we suspect they might, contain a wedding announcement, congratulations are in order for the impending nuptials; however—and, as we've previously admitted, our prose-untangling skills are not what they once were—we can't be sure if those last couple of sentences contain a threat or an unexpected sexual overture. Regardless, the Governor's staff should be immediately notified so that they can take the proper steps to prepare for either scenario.

• Beginning Blab [The Awful Truth via Stony_Curtis]

Ted sez: "But really, the more intriguing of our on-the-edge homo report this week involves Matinee Mooner, who's about as discreet with his homosexuality as Star Jones Reynolds is with her temper. Yet in between screwing his latest male conquest in myriad semipublic locales (takes after Toothy, this one), Mr. Mooner took time out to plug his almost heady career, stopping over for a little couch chat with Oprah, and seduced her so in the process. Not on camera (or behind), mind you, M2 just sorta got his pearlie jobs all sparkling fer the talented broad, and it was no secret Ms. O. was rather smitten." Read the item.

You say:Your guesses are after the jump:

You say: Many of you seemed a little too familiar with Oprah's recent couchmates, readily identifying late September guest Matthew McConaughey, who we've previously seen needs no outside help in matters of sexual gratification, as Matinee Mooner. A few with shorter-term memories mentioned that Denzel Washington stopped by to chat with Oprah this week, but we dismiss speculation that DW is on the DL as patently absurd.

You say: The few of you who bothered with the Renaldo Rim-Me portion of the item guessed Ricky Martin, who we thought had quietly retired from public life to the full-time pursuit of his passion for watersports.

You say: We're not even going to bother with Toothy Tile, as we've been over that particular territory again and again. OK: Jake Gyllenhaal. You forced our hand.

And The Andy Dick/Dakota Fanning Memorial "You Also Say" Item Goes To: David Banda, whose proud mommy recently sought out the big O to chat about the joys of abduction adoption.

Thanks to everyone for playing!

• The Awful Truth: Three Envelope-Dangling Blind Vices [E! Online]
• Full Blind Item Guessing Game Archive [Defamer]

Ted sez: "But really, the more intriguing of our on-the-edge homo report this week involves Matinee Mooner, who's about as discreet with his homosexuality as Star Jones Reynolds is with her temper. Yet in between screwing his latest male conquest in myriad semipublic locales (takes after Toothy, this one), Mr. Mooner took time out to plug his almost heady career, stopping over for a little couch chat with Oprah, and seduced her so in the process. Not on camera (or behind), mind you, M2 just sorta got his pearlie jobs all sparkling fer the talented broad, and it was no secret Ms. O. was rather smitten." Read the item.

You say: Send your guesses to tips[AT]defamer.com with "blind" in the subject line, and we'll post the results later today.

• The Awful Truth: Three Envelope-Dangling Blind Vices [E! Online]
• Full Blind Item Guessing Game Archive [Defamer]

...I just might come exquisitely close to telling you which veddy famous movie star (who does biz over at Paramount) breathed the following verbal evil quote recently. First, to bring you up to speed:

I'm sure you all know Paramount's ancient-geezer top dawg, Sumner Redstone, of Viacom infamy, very loudly dismissed Tom Cruise from the company's movie stables, which are, at the moment, headed by the height-challenged Brad Grey, the CEO-producer with movie star looks and a rep for being next on Redstone's heartless chopping block. Sure ya knew.

I mean, it's such the old story. Per usual, Hollywood's a hideous tank o' over-surgeried sharks, right? Oui, oui ! Indeed, so ready for (further) bloodied waters over at the venerable studio on Melrose are they, that Mr. Mystery megastar joked, within audible earshot of several T-town types at a Biz function, that nervous honcho Grey was "just about the right height to kiss Sumner Redstone's ass."

What a honkin' hairy quote, huh? Pretty dirty of me not to tell you who said it, eh? Or did I?

We always thought that joke involved a different kind of intimate contact, but that's neither here nor there. If the waters are as bloodied as mentioned, then why all the secrecy? Grey would need his remaining "megastars" more than ever, and one of them could probably get away with signing his name to an ad in the trades actually depicting the career-saving buttocks-smooching the movie star so indelicately described at the party. But none of that speculation should stop you from filling the comments section (or our inbox) with your guesses or anything you might have overheard.

• BeginningBlab [E! Online]

Ted sez: "Morgan Mayhem, consider yourself warned! Gal-friend, those unpredictable ways have gotten you into trouble in myriad areas of your life, but now it seems your social-butterfly status is in serious jeopardy, too. Hid-eee-us, I know. See, there's this ber-exclusive bo te of fabulousness here in Tinseltown that certain celebs consider their personal playground. The door at said joint is tighter than Nicole Kidman's forehead and has turned away highly celebrated, professional partiers without batting a stoic eye. [...]

But the owner of the former spot ain't so thrilled anymore. First off, he's already received wrist slaps and warnings from police for allowing other questionable antics to go down, as it were, at his establishment (which really should look a bit more fab considering the loot this guy poured into it). And secondly, Morg's not just hittin' the snowy slopes anymore. She's got a newer, dirtier drug of choice. And it's becoming painfully obvious." Read the item.

You say: Your guesses are after the jump:

You say: Yes, we know that Casablanca's covered this ground many times before and that you all have been long convinced that Morgan Mayhem is Lindsay Lohan. But don't think of Ted's obsession with documenting Mayhem's every bathroom stall bump as repetitive, think of each recounting of a well-snorted line as a new chapter in the timeless Hollywood tale of a troubled actress who likes to get high and make out with girls. Doesn't that sound a lot better? It does to us.

You also say: LaToya Jackson and Kathy Griffin, but we assume you were joking.

And The Andy Dick/Dakota Fanning Memorial "You Also Say" Item Goes To: Katie Couric and Maureen Stapleton (tie).

Thanks to everyone for playing!

• The Awful Truth: One Unsisterly Blind Vice [E! Online]
• Full Blind Item Guessing Game Archive [Defamer]

Ted sez: "Morgan Mayhem, consider yourself warned! Gal-friend, those unpredictable ways have gotten you into trouble in myriad areas of your life, but now it seems your social-butterfly status is in serious jeopardy, too. Hid-eee-us, I know. See, there's this ber-exclusive bo te of fabulousness here in Tinseltown that certain celebs consider their personal playground. The door at said joint is tighter than Nicole Kidman's forehead and has turned away highly celebrated, professional partiers without batting a stoic eye. [...]

But the owner of the former spot ain't so thrilled anymore. First off, he's already received wrist slaps and warnings from police for allowing other questionable antics to go down, as it were, at his establishment (which really should look a bit more fab considering the loot this guy poured into it). And secondly, Morg's not just hittin' the snowy slopes anymore. She's got a newer, dirtier drug of choice. And it's becoming painfully obvious." Read the item.

You say: Send your guesses to tips[AT]defamer.com with "blind" in the subject line, and we'll post the results later today.

• The Awful Truth: One Unsisterly Blind Vice [E! Online]
• Full Blind Item Guessing Game Archive [Defamer]

Ted sez: "There's no denying that Dorrell Sausage is hot 'n' hunky. His semi-famous name and chiseled mug have been increasingly featured in the rags lately, thanks to a string of high-profile romances. And this ain't by accident,
damn straight.

D.S. went from dating a cute, fairly well known chica to supposedly seeing Pixie Mixie, tabloid darling. See, the D-man wants to be (more) famous himself, imagine that in this me-me-me enclave! And after a halfhearted stab at the spotlight on his own not so long ago (prior to Pixie time), it seems Mr. Sausage—a somewhat cognizant realist with thin lips, thicker things elsewhere—realized it's way easier to get press when you're attached to an It creature." Read the item.

You say: Your guesses are after the jump:

You say: You overwhelmingly named Brody Jenner, the guy who currently pretends to find Nicole Richie's exposed ribcage "really, really sexy, baby," as Dorrell Sausage, the cad who's trying to screw his way up to the kind of name recognition and post-reality-show career enjoyed by the likes of ex-girlfriend Kristen Cavallari. Quite frankly, Jenner should try fucking someone a little more famous; we still barely have any idea who he is.

You also say: Harry Morton, the Pink Taco mogul who either is or isn't dating Lindsay Lohan depending on what is convenient either for the tabloids (Lindsay has a boyfriend, but is banging a Greek shipping heir!) or Leslie Sloane Zelnick, Lohan's publicist. (Lindsay has a boyfriend who doesn't drink, meaning she's no longer a lush who doesn't show up to work!)

You also say: Channing Tatum, Wilmer Valderrama, DJ AM, Dane Cook, and Travis Barker.

And The Andy Dick/Dakota Fanning Memorial "You Also Say" Item Goes To: Henry Kissinger and Condoleezza Rice.

Thanks to everyone for playing!

• Previously: The Blind Item Guessing Game: Dorrell Sausage, Starfucker [Defamer]

Ted sez: "There's no denying that Dorrell Sausage is hot 'n' hunky. His semi-famous name and chiseled mug have been increasingly featured in the rags lately, thanks to a string of high-profile romances. And this ain't by accident,
damn straight.

D.S. went from dating a cute, fairly well known chica to supposedly seeing Pixie Mixie, tabloid darling. See, the D-man wants to be (more) famous himself, imagine that in this me-me-me enclave! And after a halfhearted stab at the spotlight on his own not so long ago (prior to Pixie time), it seems Mr. Sausage—a somewhat cognizant realist with thin lips, thicker things elsewhere—realized it's way easier to get press when you're attached to an It creature." Read the item.

You say: It's been awhile, so pay attention to the directions: Send your guesses to tips[AT]defamer.com with "blind" in the subject line, and we'll post the results later today.

• The Awful Truth: One Gossip-Column Blind Vice [E! Online]
• Full Blind Item Guessing Game Archive [Defamer]

"All I can say, at this point, is my column will appear (amped) someplace else as of next June," he wrote in an e-mail.

Where will he go? What will he do? Is E! letting such divine talent slip away?

A network representative had the following response tonight. "Ted is still very much with eonline. He's a very valuable member of their staff."

She added: "I can't speak to his contract, but everybody here's like, 'What?'"

June is nearly a year away, so we can only imagine how the frustrated Casablanca will express his disgruntled feelings towards his employer through his art—hopefully, we're looking at months of blind items that read "Which frosted-tipped, homosexual American Idol host whose last name would be spelled Eacrest if you took off the initial 's' is a big, flaming bottom who forced out the best thing to ever happen to this two-bit celebrity suck-off channel?" Actually, that's pretty much exactly how we hope this all ends.

• Ted Casablanca: E!xit Stage Left, E!ven? [NYO Media Mob]
• CasablancaGateWatch: Who Yanked E!'s Humpiest Gossip From TV? [Defamer]

Ted sez: "There's a fairly talented (not as gifted as he is muscly, that's fer sure) guy who performs in front of the camera. Folks are high-gear gossin' about the boy right now, wondering if he's not having some kind of thing with a big-deal hush-hush homo. Only because, well, let's just say, Beef Slurp-a-Pop (no relation to Slurpa Pop-Off), which is his name, really isn't all that into this guy-on-guy overheated thang he's supposedly having with said celeb dude. Ted-translation: Beef's more into his plastic play-toys than his current boy-toy." Read the item.

You say: Your guesses are after the jump.

You say: We have no idea how you even worked through the tangled mess of mostly imaginary words that Ted threw out there this week and arrived at your guesses, but most of you believe that Beef Slurp-a-Pop (by the way, is he now naming his blind item aliases exclusively for the sounds that dogs make while they're feeding?) is Matthew McConaughey, the noted semi-nude beach yoga practitioner and naked bongo virtuoso. Some even threw in a guess that the other "big-deal hush-hush homo" is Lance Armstrong. Such overachieving on a Friday afternoon is truly impressive.

You also say: Vin Diesel, but you nearly always say that when "gay" and "muscles" are involved in a blind item.

You also say: Ty Pennington, Seann Williamm Scott, "Big Gay" Al Reynolds, Joe Rogan, and Jake Gyllenhaal.

And The Andy Dick/Dakota Fanning Memorial "You Also Say" Item Goes To: Haley Joel Osment and Wink Martindale (tie).

Thanks to everyone for playing!

• The Blind Item Guessing Game: Boy's Toy [Defamer]

Ted sez: "There's a fairly talented (not as gifted as he is muscly, that's fer sure) guy who performs in front of the camera. Folks are high-gear gossin' about the boy right now, wondering if he's not having some kind of thing with a big-deal hush-hush homo. Only because, well, let's just say, Beef Slurp-a-Pop (no relation to Slurpa Pop-Off), which is his name, really isn't all that into this guy-on-guy overheated thang he's supposedly having with said celeb dude. Ted-translation: Beef's more into his plastic play-toys than his current boy-toy." Read the item.

You say: Send your guesses to tips[AT]defamer.com with "blind" in the subject line, and we'll post the results later today.

• The Awful Truth: One Gossip-Column Blind Vice [E! Online]

Dear Boob-Tube Babes: Dunno the score, girlfriends. But—irony of de-lish ironies—I'm starting to know how Star Jones Reynolds felt.

Let's play Hollywood detective for a moment. Here's what we know: E!'s last high-profile, on-air-personality firing involved red carpet correspondent Kathy Griffin, who has been quite vocal about the fact that E!'s $21 million golden boy hire Ryan Seacrest insisted her shitcanning be a negotiation point. We also know that several of Ted's more recent, vitriolic blind items, such as the one fingering "Jiggly Wiggle-Poof, [the] queen America is so busy watching be outwardly hetero but inwardly so 'show tunes and smart cocktails' it's pathetic," have resulted in landslide Guessing Game ballot results nominating Seacrest as the Wiggle-Poof in question. Could Ted be the victim of a Griffin-style, Wiggle-Poof-ordered snuffing? Or does his reference to knowing "how Star Jones Reynolds felt" mean he too was pulled aside by producers and coldly told that focus testing data indicated audiences had fallen deeply out of love with him? We implore any high-ranking Deep Throats to come forward, anonymity assured.

• Ted Casablanca's Awful Truth [Eonline.com]

Ted sez: "Okay, okay, so I will do—so to speak—the guy dish first: See, there's this boob-tube celeb who's, like, rather good-looking. Meatless Member has a nice face. Decent arms 'n' legs, sweet smile—but not exactly a whole lotta sausage cookin' in the kitchen down below. I mean, it was very nervy of M.M. to start having sex with other guys in the pool, what with every bitchy fag around, just waiting to spill the beans with no frank, as it were...

"As is Shellack Attack's latest man-romping move. I mean, many folks know Shellack's got a thing for the showier, naughtier boys—despite S.A.'s heart o' gold appeal. And this latest romance Ms. A.'s so very visibly involved in is hardly the surprise in that regard." Read the item.

You say: Your guesses are after the jump:

You say: Meatless Member: Many of you apparently believe that Ted has some kind of vendetta against E! co-worker Ryan Seacrest, as you've once again identified him as the solution to one of Casablanca's homo-riddles. One can only imagine what interoffice slight could have touched off such a bitter catfight between on-air personalities. If Seacrest ever decides to fight back and fuck with The Ted, he should first ask himself if they've found Steve Kmetko's body yet.

Shellack Attack: You say Heather Locklear, but we think that David Spade would probably stretch the term "naughty boy" to an absurd length.

You say: Please associate the following names with the the blind item characters of the appropriate gender: Matthew Perry, Matt LeBlanc, Mischa Barton, Sean Hayes, Patrick Dempsey, and Chad Michael Murray.

And The Andy Dick/Dakota Fanning Memorial "You Also Say" Item Goes To: : Candy Spelling.

Thanks to everyone for playing!

• The Blind Item Guessing Game: A Wednesday Gay/Blow Double-Feature! [Defamer]

Ted sez: "Okay, okay, so I will do—so to speak—the guy dish first: See, there's this boob-tube celeb who's, like, rather good-looking. Meatless Member has a nice face. Decent arms 'n' legs, sweet smile—but not exactly a whole lotta sausage cookin' in the kitchen down below. I mean, it was very nervy of M.M. to start having sex with other guys in the pool, what with every bitchy fag around, just waiting to spill the beans with no frank, as it were...

"As is Shellack Attack's latest man-romping move. I mean, many folks know Shellack's got a thing for the showier, naughtier boys—despite S.A.'s heart o' gold appeal. And this latest romance Ms. A.'s so very visibly involved in is hardly the surprise in that regard." Read the item.

You say: Send your guesses to tips[AT]defamer.com with "blind" in the subject line, and we'll post the results later today.

• The Awful Truth: Two Old-School Blind Vices [E! Online]

Ted sez: "More fun, in my jaded book, would be Plumper Dumper's newfound cojones. But let me, uh, back up first, 'kay? Mr. Dumper, also a man known more for his male-on-male activities than his female goings-on, flabbergasted more than a few of us fruits when he married Bertha Broom-Rider. Suddenly, P.D. attempted to be more discreet in his fraternizing 'n' fellah-collecting—activities he did not curb once he walked down the aisle with B.B.R. Though few expected him to, 'course." Read the item.

You say: Your guesses are after the jump:

You say: Perhaps unduly influenced by our completely coincidental posting of the Guessing Game immediately after an item about Star Jones' possibly divorce-seeking gay husband, you identified the blind item's privately uncloseted homosexual as Big Gay Al Reynolds, the suspiciously effeminate paramour of the aforementioned ex-View host. We, of course, are shocked—shocked!—that you would leap to such nearly unanimous conclusions about the gay love of Star's life.

You also say: Just for variety, some of you guessed the duos of Carmen Electra/Dave Navarro and Sarah Jessica Parker/Matthew Broderick.

And The Andy Dick/Dakota Fanning Memorial "You Also Say" Item Goes To: The late Mickey Spillane and the late Red Buttons. Really, people, must you trod upon fresh graves in this manner?

• The Blind Item Guessing Game: Gay Husband Explains Why He's Too Tired For Sex After Nights Out With The Boys [Defamer]

Ted sez: "More fun, in my jaded book, would be Plumper Dumper's newfound cojones. But let me, uh, back up first, 'kay? Mr. Dumper, also a man known more for his male-on-male activities than his female goings-on, flabbergasted more than a few of us fruits when he married Bertha Broom-Rider. Suddenly, P.D. attempted to be more discreet in his fraternizing 'n' fellah-collecting—activities he did not curb once he walked down the aisle with B.B.R. Though few expected him to, 'course." Read the item.

You say: Send your guesses to tips[AT]defamer.com with "blind" in the subject line, and we'll post the results later today.

• The Awful Truth: One Quelle Surprise Blind Vice [E! Online]

Ted sez: "We all know bod-goons are paid to protect the overly watched frames of the celebs who employ them. Most times, these bossy gorillas are très busy trying to keep pesky paps away or simply shooing starstruck autograph seekers. Occasionally, these walking barricades even help carry celebs' purses or pups. Too cute! Not this, though: The security staff utilized by one Morgan Mayhem (a repeat offender in the naughty narrative known as the Blind Vice archive) is far more, uh, hands-on. See, Morg's men protect way more than her bitchin' bod. They also keep more than a hawklike eye on her damn drug stash." Read the item.

You say: Your guesses are after the jump.

You say: Rising up with the voice of near unanimity, you have (once again) pegged Lindsay Lohan as Morgan Mayhem. Call us psychic, but we kind of had a feeling that it might turn out this way.

You also say: This is the part where we'd list the names of others who received some support so as to divide potential legal sniper fire, but there weren't any. So we'll just say that we think you're way, way off about Lohan, who has never touched a drug harder than DayQuil, and then only after diluting it with a gallon of water.

And The Andy Dick/Dakota Fanning Memorial "You Also Say" Item Goes To: Recently deceased Hollywood treasure June Allyson. You should be ashamed of yourselves for suggesting this even in jest, sickies.

• The Blind Item Guessing Game: Guarding Morgan Mayhem's Stash [Defamer]

Ted sez: "We all know bod-goons are paid to protect the overly watched frames of the celebs who employ them. Most times, these bossy gorillas are très busy trying to keep pesky paps away or simply shooing starstruck autograph seekers. Occasionally, these walking barricades even help carry celebs' purses or pups. Too cute! Not this, though: The security staff utilized by one Morgan Mayhem (a repeat offender in the naughty narrative known as the Blind Vice archive) is far more, uh, hands-on. See, Morg's men protect way more than her bitchin' bod. They also keep more than a hawklike eye on her damn drug stash." Read the item.

You say: Send your guesses to tips[AT]defamer.com with "blind" in the subject line, and we'll post the results later today.

• The Awful Truth: One Overly Caring Blind Vice [E! Online]

Ted sez: "Hell hath no fury like a homo threatened, that's fer sure. A few weeks ago I told you all about Jiggly Wiggle-Poof, this queen America is so busy watching be outwardly hetero but inwardly so "show tunes and smart cocktails" it's pathetic. See, Jiggly got his rise to fame via sexual and other transactions with a well-heeled, fellow-closeted homo, a fact Mr. Wiggle-Poof goes to great lengths to hide. However, over at the Hollywood offering on which Mr. Wiggle-P. performs, there lies another pooftah who's far less caring about his sexuality. Name's Press Prune. In fact, Press could give a Homo Depot clerk's ass if anybody discusses his bedroom habits, just for the record." Read the item.

You say: Your guesses are after the jump:

You say: In a shocking and unexpected turn of events, a plurality of readers believed this week's blind item to be self-referential, identifying Jiggly Wiggle-Poof as Ryan Seacrest and Press Prune as—here it comes!—Ted Casablanca himself, as both are employees of the "booby-tubey" E! network. Don't be alarmed by the strange sensation of your rapidly liquefying brain leaking from your ear—the entire universe will be sucked into a gossip-generated black hole before you have a chance to die from the cerebral melting.

You also say: Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell. Oh, please. Do you think for one second that the Gay Mafia would allow one of its members to wear anything as tragically unfashionable as Cowell's signature flat-top/butt-cut hybrid on such a high-rated program?

You also say: Eddie Murphy, Ashton Kutcher, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Eric McComack & Sean Hayes.

And The Andy Dick/Dakota Fanning Memorial "You Also Say" Item Goes To: Owen "The Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson and Vince Vaughn.

Thanks to everyone for playing!

Ted sez: "Hell hath no fury like a homo threatened, that's fer sure. A few weeks ago I told you all about Jiggly Wiggle-Poof, this queen America is so busy watching be outwardly hetero but inwardly so "show tunes and smart cocktails" it's pathetic. See, Jiggly got his rise to fame via sexual and other transactions with a well-heeled, fellow-closeted homo, a fact Mr. Wiggle-Poof goes to great lengths to hide. However, over at the Hollywood offering on which Mr. Wiggle-P. performs, there lies another pooftah who's far less caring about his sexuality. Name's Press Prune. In fact, Press could give a Homo Depot clerk's ass if anybody discusses his bedroom habits, just for the record." Read the item.

You say: Send your guesses to tips[AT]defamer.com with "blind" in the subject line, and we'll post the results later today.

• The Awful Truth: One Diva-Damning Blind Vice [E! Online]