It doesn't (yet) look like O'Neal was actually trying to pass any drugs to prisoners, but he was foolish enough to have them in his trunk while parking at a jail, and to then admit to the cops that he had them. Sigh.

You'd think O'Neal would have learned to dodge the cops given what he and his family have been through over the past year or so. A recap:

September: Redmond, son of the actress Farrah Fawcett, was busted for meth possession, along with his father Ryan. Ryan had the meth in his bedroom while Redmond had it on his person. Redmond had a history of heroin problems.

June: Tatum O'Neal, daughter of Ryan and half-sister to Redmond, was busted for trying to buy coke on the street near her Lower East Side apartment. Like Redmond, Tatum also had a history of drug problems, but was in recovery and had reportedly been clean for two years.

June: Redmond pleads guilty to carrying heroin and crystal meth and to driving under the influence in a January incident. He gets three years probation.

February '07: Believing Redmond had overdosed and might awaken only to seek more drugs, his brother Griffin chained him to a staircase at home, TMZ reported. Father Ryan came home and became enraged at Griffin, resulting in a fireplace-poker-swinging confrontation that ended with gunfire. Wow.

Tatum O'Neal has pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in connection with her June cocaine possession arrest in lower Manhattan.

Manhattan Criminal Court Judge Elisa Koenderman (KEN'-dehr-man) has ordered the 44-year-old actress to spend two half-day sessions in a drug treatment program and pay a $95 surcharge.

Thanks, AP! We almost read that as KONE-dur-muhn, which would have totally miscolored our perception of this sentencing as having been yet another example of a famous white person evading justice.

• Tatum O'Neal Pleads Guilty to Disorderly Conduct [AP]

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• TATUM TO COPS: THANKS! [NY Post]

Kevin Spacey Was Just Walking His Dog, Not Trolling For Gay Sex
When police came to the rescue of the actor in a London park at 4:30am, Spacey claimed to have been mugged while walking his dog. When asked what the bloody 'ell he was doing out and about so late, Spacey replied "you know walking your dog in the park is a perfectly normal thing to do, but you know I think that they are always trying to, you know, (say) 'What was he doing in that park at 4.30 a.m.?' My doggy had to go!" Right. He later retracted his mugging story, and claimed that he had fallen for a con in which someone stole his cell phone. He tripped while running after the bandit, thus injuring himself. He most certainly was not punched in the face after making advances on a drunken waiter, or, you know, looking for a little anonymous hump.

Winona Ryder Thought She Was Allowed to Steal Things
When the peculiar actress was arrested for shoplifting thousands of dollars worth of merchandise at a Los Angeles Saks Fifth Avenue, Ryder reportedly told a security guard that she was on the job, saying "I was told that I should shoplift. The director said I should try it out.'' Hah. It was research! For a role! Which makes it legal. Like when O.J. killed his wife and Ron Goldman because he heard Nordberg might be a killer in the never-filmed Naked Gun 44 1/4. Ryder, of course, later blamed it on drugs.

Lindsay Lohan Borrows Coke Pants
When the sort-of actress was in a car that was pulled over and was found to have Colombian marching powder in her pockets, she told police officers that the pants she was wearing were not hers. Implying that she had been wearing someone else's slacks for such a short amount of time that she hadn't yet realized that there were drugs in the pockets. We're not sure whose pants they may have been. Lindsay is supposedly cleaned up now, after several stints in rehab. Though we have no word on whether or not her trouser trading continues unabated.

Ashlee Simpson's Acid Reflux
When the "singer," who is the sister of sorta more famous singer/professional idiot Jessica, was performing on Saturday Night Live, she was exposed as an evil lip-syncer when the wrong vocal track was played at the top of her second number. She did a lame little hoedown jig, then slunk off stage. She later claimed that she had to use a vocal track because of severe acid reflux. The people of the world collectively patted her head in a condescending way and sent her, lack of vocal skills and all, trotting off into the sunset. She's now married and pregnant and, oh yeah, a terrible singer.

Eddie Murphy Runs a Hooker Taxi Service
When he got caught with a transsexual prostitute in his car, the comedian said "I was being a good Samaritan. It's not the first hooker I've helped out. I've seen hookers on corners... and I'll pull over... and they'll go, Oh you're Eddie Murphy, oh my God, and I'll empty my wallet out to help." Oh he's so noble!

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Which ones did we miss?

Could it be that she missed the orgies? When she spoke to Dateline four years ago, she described her junkie lifestyle as "glamorous":

We checked into the Plaza Athenee with Marlon Brando and Maria Schneider...One night we all smoked opium and hash. I sank into bed, dizzy from the drugs. When I raised my head, a very confusing scene was taking place...Melanie [Griffith], Maria...and a hairdresser were tangled up together. As an added sordid touch, one of the women was apparently menstruating — something I was to young to have experienced myself — and there was a lot of blood.

Along with bloody orgies, it seems part of the "glamour" nose candy can add to your life includes vomiting and shrinking down to a toothpick!

When I got a bit chubby, by Hollywood and Farrah [Fawcett]-comparison standards....I learned that cocaine was good for weight loss...between doing coke and throwing up, the pounds started started melting off me effortlessly. I found that coke made me feel so much better.

Yup, after reading a few of these excerpts, we do have some sympathy for O'Neal and her need to return to the late-night bender excursions in the bright light of summer evening. We can only hope for her sake it isn't that time of the month while she's tapping her anxious foot on that jail cell floor — misty, menstrual blood-colored memories may make that itch even worse.

• SOURCES: TATUM O'NEAL BUSTED FOR COKE & CRACK [NY Post]
• A PAPER LIFE [Google Books]
• TATUM O'NEAL SHARES SURVIVAL STORY [MSNBC]

1. Buying crack on the street: Tatum O'Neal—as we mentioned earlier, celebrities should all certainly have private, high-class connections to make discreet deliveries to their door. Buying rocks off the street is for the poors.

2. Calling the police while you do coke: Boy George—the singer made a frantic 911 call saying his home was being burglarized, only to be arrested on a drug charge after the cops found an eight-ball in his apartment when they showed up to investigate. Needless to say: do not call the police while you do coke. Christ.

3. Allowing yourself to be videotaped smoking crack: Amy Winehouse—the crazy British beehive badass got arrested after a tape of her smoking the rock was "passed to Scotland Yard." Shouldn't they be investigating mysterious murders in locked rooms, or something? In any case, if you're going to smoke crack, and you are a very famous person, be sure to do it with no recording devices present. (This goes for regular cameras too, Kate Moss).

4. Annoying your relatives so much they sell you out: Whitney Houston—The singer went so crazy on crack that her sister-in-law Tina Brown, herself a former crackhead, staged an intervention. By selling embarassing photos of Whitney's coke-strewn house to the National Enquirer! Lesson: your relatives are greedy bastards quick to stab you in the back to make a buck, so be sure to take care of them financially before they call the tabloids.

5. Fighting the police: Christian Slater—It's bad enough to be arrested by the police. Getting your ass kicked by them is even more embarrassing. Particularly when you act like a lunatic while doing so. Cue Christian Slater, 1997: the floppy-haired actor, bingeing on coke, beat his girlfriend at a party, bit a man, and then, "When the police arrived, Slater did not go quietly, but hid in a stairwell and fought with officers, reportedly shouting, 'the Germans are coming and they will kill us!'" Don't do that.

Helluva drug.

As you have probably gathered by now, your Uncle Grambo was fortunate enough to be one of the lucky 250 or so people who got to watch this weekend's episode of SNL (host: Shia LaBeouf, musical guest: My Morning Jacket) from the friendly confines of Studio 8H at Rockefeller Center. A full run-down of the evening follows after the jump.

We arrived in the building around 10:15pm, just about 75 minutes before the show officially commences. As you walk in the lobby of 30 Rock, there are dozens (if not hundreds) of people lined up behind velvet ropes along the walls, many of whom look as if they have spent the majority of the day waiting in line for tickets. Fortunately, thanks to the good graces of the NBC PR department, we were able to walk straight in, save for a short conversation with the keepers of the magical guest list. Let me tell you, it was quite hilarious watching a slew of people approach these staffers and attempt to namedrop their way into the show (our favorite attempt was when one young blonde lass tried to use the "My brother is a lawyer at NBC" line). As we waited our turn to go up the elevators up to Studio 8H, we found ourselves standing next to one Suze Orman, whose teeth are even more blazingly white when you see them up close and personal (little did we know at the time, but SNL MVP Kristen Wiig would do an amazing impression of her later in the show).

Our press escort popped out of the elevator bank at approximately 10:40pm and scooted us upstairs. As you walk from the elevator bank to the studio, you stroll down a long hallway that is lined with framed photographs of the litany of SNL cast members who once populated these very same halls. Seeing the faces of Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Mike Myers, Gilda Radner and Eddie Murphy, you can't help but feel like you are small part of a grand tradition of comedic greatness. As you make your way closer and closer to the stage, you encounter various levels of security. If memory serves, we had to show three different sets of security/PR people along the way. And while we were handed both wristbands and tickets when we walked in, the most important credential we had all evening was, surprisingly, the envelope that the tickets came in. As for why, not sure we'll ever know.

After a few minutes of waiting around (perhaps the ushers were cleaning up the popcorn from the aisles?), we were taken to our seats just after 11pm. We sat in the back row of the studio, which was actually the fourth row of what I'll affectionately call the "upper deck" (meaning, not the swivel chairs you see on the floor while watching the show). We were directly in line with the main stage where Shia LaBeouf would deliver his monologue some forty minutes later.

We sat next to an affable hippie and his son, the elder of whom explained to us that he worked on a number on the "fake commercials" that SNL has shot over the years. But just when I was about to ask him if he was present for the filming of the legendary Schmitt's Gay spot, I noticed that Claire Danes, of all people, was walking down the aisle towards me. She was accompanied by her slight of stature BF, Hugh Dancy, and another friend was not famous. She looked far skinnier than I remembered her from her last on-screen role, Stardust, and her hair looked exceedingly thin. That said, there is no denying that she is straight up gorge. After all, it's not everyday you look Angela Chase right in the eyes.

As my heart rate returned to normal, my attention shifted to the flurry of activity down below our seats on the set. As Lenny Pickett and the Saturday Night Live Band warmed up the crowd with a number of R&B standards, stagehands were running around putting last minute touches on the various set decorations. Occasionally, the venerable Lorne Michaels would pop his head out, look around, and duck back beneath the set (presumably to tweak the skits from the dress rehears performance). With approximately 10 minutes left before showtime, Don Pardo wandered out onto center stage to begin warming the crowd up. He was quickly followed by Jason Sudeikis, who explained the rules of the road to the audience ("Be sure to laugh your asses off!") and cracked a few jokes, all the while wearing orange-accented hi-tops and Kansas Jayhawks basketball shorts.

Then, in a totally unexpected turn of events, Kristen Wiig and Fred Armisen joined the band for a rousing performance of Blondie's "One Way Or Another." Wiig played the part of Deborah Harry amazingly well; not only was her voice crackin', but she had the Harry hip sway down pat. Meanwhile, Fred Armisen turned in a very serviceable Chris Stein impression, shredding on the electric guitar in such an impressive fashion that I almost forgot he used to be a drummer and not a guitarist. As soon as the song wrapped up, the house lights began to dim.

As the stagehands rolled a faux presidential backdrop onto the main stage and turned on a lamp that was sitting next to a formal chair, Amy Poehler emerged dressed as Hillary Clinton for the evening's cold open (I would later learn that the audience at the dress rehearsal saw a different cold open, one that took place at DNC headquarters). As she quickly reviewed the cue cards, Lorne Michaels approached her and knelt down to give her a quick and quiet pep talk. This was my favorite moment of the evening; although Lorne has a bit of a rep for being enigmatic when it comes to his relationships with the cast members, there was something in his body language and the way that he approached Poehler that radiated a very fatherly and caring vibe. It was something you would never see on television, but somehow, it spoke volumes about how close-knit the SNL family truly is.

And from there, the rest of the show was, at least for me, a blur. If I were to note one thing about seeing the show live and in person that you don't see when you watch on TV, it would be how frenetically paced things are on-set. The very second the red light goes off on a camera, crew members are tearing down sets and physically grabbing cast members. In particular, after Shia LaBeouf's monologue, a woman came bounding at him from off-stage and literally TORE the suit coat off his back as she pushed him backstage for a costume change (he appeared as a Doug Henning-esque magician about 45 seconds later in a slightly puzzling "Match Game" spoof). Despite the hectic pace,there was never a moment where the set even approached chaos (controlled or otherwise); rather, all of the on-stage hustle seemed to radiate a thoroughly professional vibe.

It's also worth noting that, despite the frenetic pace, we saw nary a frown or disgruntled look on any of the cast or crew members' faces. Instead, smiles abounded everywhere you looked during the commercial breaks. If the performers were tired or stressed out, they certainly didn't show it.

There was one other interesting factoid from the evening that stood out. In the sketch where Bill Hader plays Vinnie Vedecci, the Italian talk show host with a penchant for smoking multiple cigarettes during the course of his celebrity interviews, one crew member drew the assignment of smoking the cigarettes that he would hand to Bill Hader in-between shots. He seemed to relish this job, as he chain-smoked his way through half of four cigarettes during the course of the sketch. Also, throughout this entire bit, both Fred Armisen and Will Forte sat on the side of the stage, where the camera would occasionally cut to them. As a part of the skit, they were both eating a bowl of spaghetti. Whereas Fred Armisen mostly twirled the spaghetti around with his fork, Will Forte ate almost the entire portion of pasta that was sitting in front of him during the course of the sketch. Looks like someone skipped their dinner!

The skit we chose to bring you above was the last sketch of the evening. Although both Kristen Wiig and Kenan Thompson were the evening's stand-out performers, it was Amy Poehler's performance as a mom who wanted to ensure her children were dressed as "New York Funky" as possible that made us (and the rest of the audience) laugh the hardest.

Then, just as quickly as it began, the 90-minute show came to a close. After watching Shia wish everyone a happy Mother's Day, we walked out into the lobby, where we noticed a VERY gorgeous (and sober looking) Tatum O'Neal holding court with a few friends and cast members. We debated going up to her to say hello, but instead decided to make our way to the elevators. We met up with a few friends who just so happened to be at the taping, too, and headed off into the night, feeling exhilarated after what could only be described as a truly special evening. Regardless of what you think of the show, after witnessing everything that goes down in between skits and commercial breaks up close and in person, there is no denying that the people who put SNL together are some of the hardest working people in television.

Be sure to tune in next week for the Season Finale of the Saturday Night Live's 33rd season. The host is Steve Carell and the musical guest will be Usher.