Australian tab New Weekly has a cover with the star looking like she's put on a few pounds. Given all that talk of anorexia a few years ago, you'd think that would be good, right? Wrong! The caption looks forward to the day she gets "healthy." Just last Wednesday Star also did the "Mary-Kate is fat" story, calling her weight gain shocking and saying "bye-bye billion dollar looks, hello bloat."

Star has a long history of railing on Mary-Kate's weight. It started in 2004, when they ran a cover saying she was too thin because of drugs.

They finally believed the actress' claims of anorexia in 2007 (see cover above), but did so by chastising her "stick thin legs" and wondering what is the best way to get her back to health.

Then, in 2008, they did an about face, saying she's headed back to rehab because of drinking and drugs.

There are really only six stories in a gossip glossy: diet (either too skinny or too fat), drugs, boyfriends, weddings, pregnancy and deaths. So just wait, they're soon going to say that the "bloat" is from drugs or bulimia or pregnancy or (gasp) all three! Maybe if everyone wasn't so obsessed with what she's eating, her weight would even itself out naturally. Why not go after Jonah Hill. He's overweight and probably much more in danger of a heart attack than Mary-Kate is in danger of anything other than wearing a bad outfit.

We put the original tape up Monday afternoon. The tabs all go to press on Monday night so they can be out on the stands for Wednesday, so there were plenty of harried reporters working their Blackberries trying to get these stories together.

Of course, we've been waiting all day to run out and see just how they were going to handle this mess. The answer: some well, some horribly. Except with the people at People, they seemed to have dropped the ball altogether (or just don't give a fuck).

So this is how we handled the story. Take a look at how everyone else did, we judged them based on the size of the story, it's placement, if they got the details right, what additional reportage they did, and, of course, whether or not we got the credit for bringing the world one more piece of naked celebrity detritus.

Magazine: Us Weekly
Headline: McSteamy's Sex Tape Scandal
Page: 56
Size: Full spread
Details: Us leads the mood on the set of Grey's Anatomy (understandably tense) on the day the video went online. Gives a recap of the movie followed by a look into how it went public. Talks to Peniche's mother, who denies her daughter leaked the tape for some quick fame. Includes a "Who is Kari Anne Peniche?" sidebar.
Our Due?: We're mentioned by name and there are screencaps with our watermark.
Grade: A

Magazine: In Touch Weekly
Headline: Can Their Marriage Survive?
Page: 48
Size: Full spread
Details: Talks to a "friend" of Rebecca who says, "she wishes it had not happened." Duh. An "insider" says this was not their first threeway (PS—If threeways are involved, it doesn't seem like their marriage is in too much trouble). The rest of the article focuses on how Gayheart's hit-and-run accident affect her and how a prior picture leak made her "emotionally fragile." Includes a "Who is the Other Woman?" sidebar.
Our Due?: Screen caps with our logo, but no mention by name.
Grade: B+

Magazine: Star
Headline: Rub-a-Dub-Dub...Three in a Tub
Page: 39
Size: Full Page
Details: Basically just a recap of the video. However, an "insider" says that Dane was told by Grey's to clean up his partying ways "and this tape proves he hasn't done that."
Our Due?: Mentions both Gawker and Defamer by name with screen caps baring both logos. Double word score!
Grade: C

Magazine: Life & Style
Headline: Grey's Star's Shocking Sex Tape
Page: 39
Size: Third of a page
Details: A recap of the video along with a description of Peniche, and the statement from Dane and Gayheart's lawyer. There is a nice picture of Dane and a topless Gayheart
Our Due?: No mention.
Grade: F

OK!
Disqualified once again for lack of gossip.
Grade: N/A (The price of fame.)

In Touch
"Brad's Intimate Texts To Jen" Brad and Jen are exchanging texts almost every day, on such intimate matters as whether or not Jen should cut her hair. She was thinking of cutting it short for summer, but thankfully, "He talked her out of it," says a friend, "He told her to just trim it and go blonder." Brad has finally revealed the real reason he left Jen, and it's not just because he was sleeping with Angie. He had bleached his hair, taken flying lessons, and gotten a tattoo, so obviously he was going through a midlife crisis. Now Brad feels like he's living a lie and is trapped with Angelina. Dr. Gilda Carle, who wrote an e-book on fidelity but doesn't treat the stars, said that Brad and Jen shouldn't rush to get back together. "Everything's changed, and he's had all these other experiences," says Carle, "she might not like that new guy that he is." Jen's the same person though, because she's just been thinking about how lonely she is and staring at her phone waiting for Brad to text. Next: Katie Holmes is going to Australia to film her new movie and she's excited to have some time to herself. However, Tom Cruise is upset because this hampers his ongoing plot to impregnate Katie, thus satisfying Suri's insatiable need for more siblings. Jon and Kate Plus 8 have a live-in nanny who is never shown on the TLC show. In closing, let it be known that the following people are dating: Cameron Diaz and Adam Levine of Maroon 5, Audrina Patridge and Chris Pine of Star Trek, Hayden Panettiere and 30-year-old British TV host Steve Jones, George Clooney and a chick named Amber.
Grade: D- (Five finger discount on grapes.)

Life & Style
It's [Not Really] On: The mag claims that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are "getting serious" because he introduced her to his parents... at his birthday dinner with other Twilight co-stars in attendance. But, they both ordered the same entree, so clearly they are soul mates. Also they're heading off to "romantic Italy" together, as that is where New Moon is filming next. Next: Angelina's back to "playing mom," after forcing Brad to become a full-time parent while she selfishly went to work on Salt. When the film wraps at the end of the month Brad will start filming his next film, Moneyball, and Angie will stay home with the kids. They've explained in the past that they take turns doing movies so one parent can stay with the kids, but an insider says, "she's unpredicable and restless," so she may take on a new project this summer and flake out on mom duty, "and Brad will once again have to put his career on hold to be with the kids." In a related sob story, Jennifer Aniston says she's "numb to falling in love." Actually, she said when you read a lot of romantic comedy scripts you get numb to the cliche falling in love story. But an insider says she's been trying to numb herself to falling in love as a defense mechanism, "when really, deep down, it's exactly what she wants." Also, Jen has betrayed Smartwater because she was photographed on set holding a tiny bottle of Poland Spring she probably picked up at the craft services table. In other news, Mark-Paul Gosselaar says he's not ashamed of his Saved By The Bell roots. "That image will stay with me for my entire career," he says, "but I'm not looking to shed the persona of Zack. I'm proud of the work I did." Dr. Rey channels Buffalo Bill again, asking, "Who has the best skin in Hollywood?" Michelle Trachtenberg, 23, has a flawless face, but Dr. Rey recommends microdermabrasion, a chemical peel, and laser skin surfacing for 22-year-old Lindsay Lohan. Kate Bosworth's stunning skin should be harvested and grafted onto Kirsten Dunst's face. (Fig. 1) Finally, Life & Style has determined that they give you more gossip for your recession buck than Us (Fig. 2) Hey, we'll be the judge of that, Life & Style.
Grade: D (Markdown on pantyhose.)

Us
"Mom To Monster" The before and after picture of Kate Gosselin Us ran last week was a hit, so they decided to use it again for this week's cover. Kate has "cut a swath of terror" by refusing to speak to Jon this weekend at the kids' birthday party when the cameras weren't rolling, having a TLC-financed makeover, and putting her "career before marriage." There are details from a former baby nurse who says Kate fired 40 nannies in three months before hiring her, neighbors who say she told them she'd sue if they reveal where she lives, and family members who say she's been obsessed with money since the sextuplets' birth. Us also provides a 360 degree look at Kate's "reverse mullet." (Fig. 3) Moving on: Sex and the City wedding! Cynthia Nixon announced her engagement to Christine Marinoni and showed off her ring at a marriage equality rally in New York as co-star Kristin Davis looked on. The dangers of Tweeting: Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston got roped into going on a double date with Spencer and Heidi via Twitter. Lastly, can you match the pregnant star to her baby bump? (Fig. 4)
Grade: D+ (Alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale.)

Star
"Angie Walks In On Jen And Brad!" ... talking on the phone. Angelina came home late one night from filming Salt and overheard Brad on the phone saying, "Relax Jen. Everything will be OK." A family insider says Angie, "totally flipped out." She screamed at him, "it's her or me!" but it's going to be a tough call for Brad, since the mag says he and Jen "just can't quit each other," and he likes to drunk-dial Jen late at night. In the much juicier story "Mom's Gay Affair!" we learn that Carrie Prejean's mother, Francine Coppola, was having a lesbian fling up until the night her daughter revealed her thoughts on gay marriage and lost the Miss USA crown. There's a picture of Coppola's "secret sapphic passion," Valerie Vetrano, as well as pictures of Coppola (who claims she's related to the director) at a lesbian party in Palm Springs where the two met, and lengthy accounts from sources who say they saw them on dates. Coppola wanted to keep their affair a secret, especially after her daughter started speaking out against gay marriage, but Vetrano said she wasn't going to live her life in the closet. When Star contacted Vetrano, she said, "In my country, in my household, I was raised to be honest and up-front. Yes, Francine and I dated. However, I don't feel comfortable discussing the details of our relationship - no offense." Moving on: Zac Efron has been told that if he wants to be a real star, he has to distance himself from High School Musical, and that means breaking up with Vanessa Hudgens. Zac feels this summer would be a convenient time to dump her, since he'll be filming in New England, but a source says, "Zac does still love Vanessa. He's agonizing about this!" How sweet. Next: Even though Joy Behar explained that she doesn't want anyone but her partner Steve and her daughter at her wedding on a recent episode of The View, Barbara Walters is mad because, "She feels like she gave Joy her big break, and it would only be right to at least ask her to come," says a source. Blind item: Which starlet stays red carpet ready thanks to a steady diet of heroin? But no need to worry about ugly track marks showing up in photos - she injects the drug between her toes. The mag estimates that Kelly Clarskson weighs about 165 pounds. She wants to lose weight for her health, so the mag encourages her by using the headlines "Kelly's BIG Comeback" and "Hungry For A Hit." Melissa Gilbert says that her Little House on the Prarie co-star Shannen Doherty had a one-night stand with her husband and ruined their marriage in her upcoming autobiography Prairie Tale. The incident occurred about five years after the show ended, and Gilbert claims "serial homewrecker" Doherty sought her husband out, "purely because she wanted to be like Melissa," according to a source. Next: Jamie Spears recently caught Britney taking over-the-counter diet pills mixed with Red Bull, which a source says made her, "whacked-out and go on weird rants." Britney's exhaused from touring and turns to the concoction to get her high. She also thinks Jamie tapped her phones and has a device that keeps a record of every number she calls [wouldn't the device be sort of like a phone bill?] Malia and Sasha Obama are "White House Rascals." They sing along to pop music loudly and off-key in their rooms, made the White House cook figure out the recipe for Pinkberry because there isn't a store in D.C., and speak in their own abbreviated sister language. What bothers everyone the most is that they go through the staff's magazines (including Star, of course, looking for new photos of Zac Efron and Nick Jonas. Finally, in this edition of "Best & Worst Beach Bods" we learned that if we want to be bikini ready, professional tennis is not the way to go. For the second week in a row, a mag has labeled Serena Williams body a "worst." (Fig. 5) Other crimes against humanity include having a "pancake butt" like Whitney Port (Fig. 5), having nearly invisible cellulite like Helen Hunt (Fig. 6) , and bending to pick something up while being 57, like Angelica Huston (Fig. 7).
Grade: C+ (Red light special, for some of the night.)




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It was always somewhat unclear what exactly went down in this case, and it seemed to boil down to a tabloid's word versus the word of the father, Rafiq Qureshi. So it's good to know the authorities WENT ALL OUT to get the testimony of every witness:

Police questioned Qureshi but were unable to track down the three journalists who carried out the alleged sting.

Officers looked for them at the Leela, a five-star hotel where the report said they met Qureshi but they had already left, Shaikh said.

Police traced two mobile phone numbers the trio gave the hotel to local Vodafone SIM cards, which were activated on April 16 and deactivated on April 19.

Indian police made no further efforts to contact the journalists or News of the World in England, Shaikh added.

Yep, they closed this case—which made headlines around the world—because they just couldn't get in touch with those News of the World reporters. Uh, did they try looking here?
[Pic via]

Ok!
"Real Sizes Revealed."
Guess what? Most stars are thin! Between a size 0 and size 4. The highest dress size number on this spread is a 6/8: Mariah Carey. Brooke Shields wears a jean size 29. Really hard-hitting stuff. Moving on: Jessica Biel is threatening to break up with Justin Timberlake; she was overheard saying on a phone, "I'm sick and tired of his bullshit." Although she could have been talking about her agent, or a dog. Anyway, Justin "craves guy time" and is "constantly flirting." There are two pages on Bethenny from Real Housewives, who wears a bikini and talks about her diet book. Lastly, Tim Gunn is photographed with his pants down (Fig 1). It's sort of adorable, and due to his avuncular demeanor, it's also sort of weird. He says: "I haven't been on a date in 26 years." Awww. But then he says: "It might sound selfish, but I am very happy being alone."
Grade: F, upgraded to F+ for Tim Gunn (broken locks)

Life & Style
"Thin By Summer!" Margaret skipped this story but did see pictures of chicken on a plate and a person working out, so she deduces that much like ALL OTHER diet stories, this one advocates eating healthy and exercising. Moving on: "Lindsay's Back To Boys," since she hooked up with some dude named Chris Jepson at a house party in L.A. He works as a manager at Bungalow 8 in London. At the party in Hollywood, the two "disappeared into the bathroom" for 45 minutes. People were knocking on the door! LL reportedly told Mel B. that she's "back on men." The mag asks, "was she ever really into girls in the first place?" A psychologist who does not treat her explains that bisexuality means you can sometimes like dudes and sometimes like chicks. Jennifer Aniston is "holed up in her hotel" in NY because she's afraid of running into Angelina Jolie on the street or in restaurants. The mag copy reads: "Making matters worse, Jen was still dating John Mayer at the Oscars, but now she's single, and running into Angie would only rub salt in her wounds." Also in the article: "The bottom line is, she's pretty lonely." A four page story addresses the burning question: "Is Robert [Pattinson] The Sexiest Man On Earth?" There are diagrams, quotes and arrows pointing to the sparkly vampire's "soulful eyes." 90210 star Kellan Lutz says: "Rob is Edward. He's so complicated, so poetic, so sensual." What else? In a two page interview with Real Housewives Jill Zarin about her breast-reduction surgery, she says "I wanted to go public with my story to show women that there is no shame in wanting to look and feel your best, as long as it's done safely." Bless you! This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Who Has The Best Hands In Hollywood?" Rosario Dawson, 29, has "flawless, young-looking" hands. Dr. Rey says, "She probably uses a good skin cream, like Dr. Rey's Well-In-Hand." And, in a horrifying display of Frankenstein-like Photoshop, Sarah Jessica Parker is given Reese Witherspoon's hands (Fig 2).
Grade: D- (missing knob)

Star
"Rehab For Tori!" Candy Spelling says she'd be willing to pay for Tori to get treatment for anorexia. Tori has said that she is not anorexic, but that, like many busy moms, she tends to just pick food off the plate of her kid. The mag adds up the value of bits and scraps of food and comes up with 130 calories. A nutritionist who does not treat her says "If Tori is only eating 130 calories, then she is definitely not consuming enough." Really? Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are "drifting apart." Jess wants to get hitched and start a family; Justin likes things the way they are. Someone overheard Alicia Silverstone talking to Amy Heckerling and so there might be a sequel to Clueless. Blind item: "Which TV starlet is really on the rebound? She's got a new body, a new gig and even a new guy. The only problem is, he's married. She makes a show of partying solo as a distraction." Moving on: John Mayer is dating a model, Scheana Marie Jancan. There are six pages of "Stars Without Makeup" and bitchy blurbs like this: "When Miley goes out minus her red carpet war paint, she looks just as blotchy and unkempt as the average teenage girl." Britney and Kevin had a "talk" about having more babies together. Her idea. She's "seriously considering" their future together. She wants to have more kids before she gets too old so she can "relate" to them. In Brad and Angelina news, when he came back from France, he brought home an antique rocking chair and a Cartier ring for Angie: "Pre-push presents." Rihanna's best friend Melissa never liked Chris Brown and was the one who urged RiRi to stay away. But! She also urged Rihanna not to appear on Oprah and talk about domestic violence. Lastly: Star uses its art department muscle and creates a photo composite of what Susah Boyle would look like if she had a makeover [Fig 3].
Grade: D (rusted, squeaky hinges)

Us
"We're Having Baby No. 4"
Heidi Klum and Seal are expecting! Do they want a girl? "We would be happy with either, but it would be a lie if I said we all weren't hoping for a little girl. Especially Leni, because she would love to have a little sister." Also, Heidi says of Seal: "I knew right away he was my dream husband." There are six pages of awesome quotes and pictures and info about how the kids wear hand-me-downs. Next: "Would You Let Chris Brown Hold Your Baby?" Well, 67% of readers said No [Fig. 4]. Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal went to Coachella and were spotted hugging and singing along to the music, yawn. Lastly, you may not know this, but Beyoncé, Amy Winehouse and Juliette Lewis consider Urkel fashion inspiration [Fig 5].
Grade: D+ (high threshold)

In Touch
"Brad Moves Out." This cover is not to be confused with last August's "Brad Storms Out" or May 2008's "Brad Walks Away." [Fig. 6] This particular story is vague about what Angelina and Brad were fighting about, and the fact that he left the house and went to France to check on renovations — and then came back — proves nothing. Also inside: In a picture of Mariah Carey looking curvy, a trainer who does not work with her estimates that she weighs 175 lbs. An insider says "She is going crazy trying to slim down. She looks at old pictures and compares her weight and talks about her body nonstop." Sounds healthy! Also, Oprah's straight hair is making her look thinner. Another fake wedding for Heidi and Spencer? It's supposed to happen this weekend in Pasadena. A source says, "It's just a plot line, they're not really getting married." It's happening in a church that's also a "closed set" and The Hills cast will attend. The producers want Lauren to "do something dramatic." A "pal" says of Speidi, "They would have a fake baby if people would watch them on TV." Did you know that Gavin Rossdale had a relationship with a dude in the past? The gentleman in question is a rocker known as Marilyn [Fig. 7]. Marilyn says of Gavin: "He was the love of my life. We were together 5 years, but it felt like 40." Then there are a smattering of pictures Marilyn looking like Gwen Stefani [Fig. 8] Evidence points to the fact that Gavin and Marilyn are friends. Katie Holmes is one step closer to her "baby dream" because there is a picture of her holding her stomach. In Nadya Suleman news, the mother of octuplets was indeed a stripper for at least a year in her early 20s and "enjoyed the experience a lot." She got fired from some bar because she kept breaking the "no touching" rule. But! Before that, she did private parties and was known as "the closer," the one who would do "special favors" for the men — beyond lap dancing or even touching. The mag prints a signed contract from the club, and — get this — Suleman's stripper name was Angelina. Next: Kevin Federline might get paid to lose weight, as he's been offered a deal with NutriSystem. Jennifer Love Hewitt says, "I always takes bubble baths wearing a tiara. I am a grown-up who bathes in a tiara! One that I got from Disneyland." Lastly, how do you top pictures of horses with hairdos [Fig. 9]? All in all, good stuff, except for the stoopid fake cover story.
Grade: C (ripped screen)

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Below, we hunt for actual gossip in the pages of OK!, Life & Style, Us, In Touch, and Star



Ok!
Some people on The Biggest Loser weigh less than they used to. Here's their secret: exercise and eat healthier food. In other news, Kevin Federline told Britney Spears that he will take their kids off her tour if she doesn't stop her wild ways. She's been clubbing with her back up dancers, and the mag says her shouting "Merry Christmas" during a March 24 concert and wearing a blonde wig is evidence that she's "increasingly erratic." A source says Kevin, "didn't sign up to be the babysitter so she could party." Next up, in a two page interview with Brittany Murphy about her dog, the mag prints this sentence: "You would think that, since she's been married for almost two years, owning a cute puppy would point to one thing on Brittany Murphy's to-do list: babies!" In Lindsay Lohan news, a mutual friend says she and Samantha Ronson were cheating on each other. "Sam's 100 percent cheated. [sic] But Lindsay hasn't exactly been faithful herself," says the pal. "She would make out with a tree if it called her beautiful." The mag redeems this F of an issue with a Kathy Griffin bikini shoot. As you'll recall Kathy was recently pictured in her bathing suit with Paris Hilton. "A lot more guys were looking at me than Paris," says Kathy. "Granted, they were gay, but they were checking out my hot ass!" She calls out new Hollywood moms who parade their post-baby bodies in a bikini, saying, "Most American women don't lose weight after they have kids, but according to Hollywood you do! It's like a diet!" and shares her thoughts on other star's swimsuit looks. (Fig. 1)
Grade: F+ (Finding brown jelly beans)

Life & Style
In an 8-page interview, Nadya Suleman claims once again that she's never been on food stamps, says now she's going to "wait until the kids get much older to go back and finish getting my master's degree," and insists, "if I were married, I'd still be judged, but not this harshly." She denies that she used to be a stripper and says the only plastic surgery she's had is a breast reduction. The cover claims she talks about the octuplets' father and having more kids, but she just says she won't give any more information on the dad and when the mag asks if she'd consider adoption, she replies, "I don't know." Moving on: Angelina and Brad are fighting over what religion the kids should be raised with. Angelina once said she would teach her kids about all faiths and let them pick, but Brad wants the kids raised Baptist like he was. "He's from a family that looked at church as a big part of their lives," says an insider, "and he wonders why he can't expose his own children to the same influence." Rosalie Hale of Twilight spent the night at co-star Robert Pattinson's place after a party. There are pictures of Pete Wentz partying with scantily clad women at the Palms Resort & Casino in Las Vegas. He was "dancing with a girl, then he was being wheeled around in a wheel chair and playing slip-and-slide with KY lubricant." Wife Ashlee Simpson was not present, but it turns out the whole scene was being filmed by the hotel for promotional footage. According to Dr. Rey's Casebook, post-nose job "Megan [Fox]'s sniffer complements her face" but "Sarah Jessica [Parker]'s could use some straightening." He also claims Claire Danes would look better with Hayden Panettiere's nose, but we beg to differ. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (Rotten Easter egg)

Us
This is either the best or worst mag of the week, depending on how much you care about Lindsay Lohan. The only notable story is an interview with Lindsay, in which she tells her side of her breakup with Samantha Ronson in excruciating detail. Basically, she says that the Ronson family conspired to ruin her relationship and the Charlotte Ronson party was a set up. A friend lured her there by saying Sam wanted to talk to her and when she got there Sam was crying the bathroom. Ronson's mom started yelling at Lindsay, and the other party guests turned on Lindsay. "Nicole Richie walks by and goes, 'Uck.' and I don't know what I've ever done to her," she says. Linds says she didn't write the updates on her Twitter. Someone at the party knew her password and hacked into her account. It seems the mag isn't buying Lindsay's story, as the article is peppered with contradicting quotes from anonymous sources. "Lindsay's state has just devolved completely. She has no grip on reality and feels the world is against her," says a friend. "She should be institutionalized at this point."
Grade: D (Melted chocolate bunny)

In Touch
"Now It's War" Brad put his foot down when Angelina suggested they adopt another child from Ethiopia, and now she's furious. "She told Brad he had no right to tell her she can't add to her family and that she will adopt again - with or without his permission," says a friend. Angie pointed out that she adopted Maddox, Zahara, and Pax as a single mom, so she really doesn't need Brad to adopt. Though a friend says, "if it comes down to choosing more kids or keeping Brad, then she'll choose having more kids," she doesn't seem that into the six she has. "Angie gets flustered trying to do Zahara's hair," the friend says. "And she doesn't always have the patience to do Shiloh's hair either. She asks the girls to try and learn to do it themselves." Next: "Are the Hills stars pressured to have surgery?" The mag speculates that in addition to Heidi Montag (who has admitted to going under the knife), Audrina Patridge, Lo Bosworth, Whitney Port, and Olivia Palermo may have had facial plastic surgery. (Fig. 3) Cameron Diaz has been fighting with boyfriend Paul Sculfor, and the mag claims it's making her lose weight. "She's been pining for Paul and lost her appetite," explains a friend. Now that Paul is in England for work, "She doesn't have him to cook for anymore." Here's a new theory from on why Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer broke up: he's kind of gay. (Fig. 4) Katie Holmes "has decided to give [Tom Cruise] as many babies as he wants and not wait" because "she believes the most important thing in life is making your loved one's dreams come true," says a friend. In a recent interview Tom said he wants 10 kids so the mag figures Katie has seven babies to go. In "Ed's Gone From Hunky To Chunky" we learn that Ed Westwick has put on an estimated 10 pounds. His Gossip Girl castmates have been making fun of him, costumers had to buy him bigger clothes, and they asked the producers to tell him "they don't want Chuck to be fat."
Grade: D+ (White stuff on your chocolate)

Star
"Caught in Bed" Britney Spears has been hooking up with Kevin Federline on tour. "It's like they're newlyweds all over again," says a family insider. K-Fed's girlfriend, Victoria Prince, "caught" them when she called Kevin's cell phone at 2 a.m. and heard Britney giggling and talking in the background. Brit's annoyed that Kev answered the phone so she's been flirting with backup dancer Chase Benz to make him jealous. As for Kevin, he "now says Victoria is more a friend with benefits than a girlfriend. Since she caught him with Britney, he's not even hiding their flings from her anymore," says a source. In wedding news, the mag claims Seth Rogen is planning to propose to his girlfriend of four years, Lauren Miller this summer, while Anne Hathaway and boyfriend Adam Shulman may get married this fall. They've only been together since October, but they are planning to have a "trial marriage" (the mag's term for living together) when they relocate to New York City this summer. There's a room in J.Lo's mansion devoted entirely to her expensive wigs. Levi Johnston's sister, Mercede, talked to Star about the Palin family. "Levi tries to visit Tripp every single day, but Bristol makes it nearly impossible for him. She tells him he can't take the baby to our house because she doesn't want him around 'white trash,'" she says. Blind item: "Which reality starlet can't choose between her jealous boyfriend and her ex? Not only was her costar her first beau, but he was also her first lover! the fashionista is still obsessed." Clive Owen says when he visited his daughter Hannah, 12, at school, she introduced him to her "half-boyfriend." Clive complains, "She tells me, 'Dad...I share him with a friend.' I still feel awful thinking about it." Next: Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have been fighting so they've turned to Scientologist marriage counseling. But, since Tom is an Operating Thetan, they're only advising that Katie needs to change to please Tom, who outranks her. Moving on: A New Jersey businessman has filed divorce papers claiming that, Ann C. Kelly, his wife of 17 years, "committed adultery with one Bruce Springsteen ...at various times and places too numerous to mention." Kelly says they're just friends but people in the area have said for years that they are having an affair. Finally, in the sidebar "Arms Disgrace" the mag writes: "Kudos to Khloe [Kardashian] for resisting Hollywood's pressure to be pin thin ..." then goes on to say she needs to get rid of her "saggy" upper arms. (Fig. 5)
Grade: C- (Stale Peeps)

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1) "WHICH high-powered fashion editor has been given the nickname 'Hamster'? Seems the fat she had pumped into her lips made her resemble the toothy rodent." [P6]

2) "WHICH former tabloid editor asked his reporters to hunt down celeb coke dealers so that 'he could say he does the same blow that the celebs do?'" [P6]

3) "WHICH TV star's fight with her man started because of his wandering eye? Seems she didn't pay enough attention to him, so he found someone else who did." [P6]

4) "Which closeted TV icon enjoys 'watersports' in his bedroom? His steady stream of gentleman callers are a little grossed out by it." [Gatecrasher]

5) "Which OCD celeb is so scared of germs that she insists on having her toilet replaced in every hotel she stays in?" [Mirror]

Life & Style
"Finally, A Baby!" The only cover not to focus on Rihanna features an absurd story that claims Jennifer Aniston is trying to get pregnant because she's been visiting Dr. Mary C. Kerr, the "ob-gyn to the stars." She's so serious about having a baby that she invited Kerr to her birthday party, since everyone knows socializing with your doctor increases your fertility. Except, she's been seeing Kerr for years and the doctor was probably at the party because she's married to the producer of Jen's next movie. Moving on: Poor Gisele Bundchen. Before her wedding to Tom Brady she was forced to use the public bathrooms in the elementary school attached to the church. A student reports, "she was laughing and looked happy." Rihanna took Chris Brown back partly because she cares about him, and partly "because she can't bear the thought of him with another girl." An insider says, "Rihanna's promised to do everything she can to get Chris off the hook legally ... She's even instructed family members to speak out in full support of her decision." Her team is worried fans will turn on her for taking him back, but she won't listen to anyone. Next: Here's an update on Robert Pattinson's terribly tragic life. He's been flirting with every girl he comes into contact with, and a friend says, "He goes home with a lot of different girls." But the pal adds: "He's not sure who wants to date him for him - and who wants to date him just because he's famous." The next story is pretty much summed up in the title: "Britney begs: Daddy, set me free!" Dr. Drew and his wife Susan, who are the parents of triplets, have reached out to Nadya Suleman. They dropped off a case of powdered Similac and 400 diapers. But, they say that doesn't mean they agree with what Suleman did. Doug Reinhardt bought Paris Hilton a $10,000 dog. Beyonce, Gisele Bundchen, and Kim Kardashian like spicy food, and the magazine claims it's because hot food speeds up your metabolism. Finally, Dr. Rey's heinous casebook asks, "Who has the best chest in Hollywood?" The bad doctor says Kim Kardashian's 34Ds are "fabulous," but Sarah Jessica Parker's 34Cs looked "squished" at the Oscars. Also, Lauren Conrad would look better with Nicole Richie's boobs. (Fig. 1)
Grade: F (Flipping over the game board in disgust)

OK!
Though this cover promises "exclusive first photos of Rihanna in Miami with Chris," the lone picture of the couple at the Miami airport is so blurry that none of their facial features are distinguishable. (Fig. 2) The blobs may be holding hands, but the mag helpfully drew a giant arrow on the pictures so even that's unclear. The accompanying article talks about how Diddy felt compelled to help the two lovebirds out because, according to a friend of Diddy's, "While he doesn't condone Chris's behavior, he believes people make mistakes and that everyone deserves a second chance." Also, Chris is recording his next CD and a friend reports, "He's been writing the things bottled up in his mind." Ugh. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston told OK! "I am totally over Brad." Who knows when she said it, but according to the mag, Angie and Jen's Oscar night non-run in "brought a sense of closure that could not be achieved in the near half-decade of coy quips." Jeremy Piven was spotted eating calamari salad and tuna tartare. In the story "NO Engagement Ring For Jess" the mag prints this sentence: "Tony Romo refuses to 'put a ring on it.'" Finally, there's a two page spread titled, "Is LC the New Jen?" Both Lauren Conrad and Jennifer Aniston have had their heart broken, love the beach, and date their co-stars. So obviously, that's a yes.
Grade: D- (Missing puzzle pieces)

Us
"Rihanna Her Side" mostly reveals how upset her friends and family are about her decision to take Chris Brown back. One disgusted friend says Chris gave her a diamond bracelet. "It's his way of saying sorry. She's worth more than that," says the friend. Rihanna's mom, Beyonce, and Oprah have reached out to Rihanna but she's not listening. Jay-Z is trying to set up a meeting for her with Tina Turner. Another insider says Rihanna is using makeup to cover up her injuries and she thinks her nose is uneven now so she's considering a nose job. Us notes that while last week, Star claimed that Rihanna is pregnant, they could only find one source to confirm the story, saying, "they have been talking nonstop because she's expecting and trying to figure out what to do with the baby." In an exclusive interview, Lauren Conrad talks about leaving The Hills and as the mag says, "hanging up her headband." Gisele Bundchen didn't tell anyone in her family about her secret wedding to Tom Brady. A source says, "many of us are angry." Bridget Moynahan is also annoyed because Tom didn't tell her he was taking their son to his wedding when he picked him up, and Bridget introduced him to the church they got married at, and she still goes there. On the bright side, Gisele wore a custom designed Dolce & Gabanna gown and the mag has a blurry picture. (Fig. 3) Finally, there is a 47 question crossword puzzle devoted entirely to Jennifer Aniston. Here's 32 down: Four letters, "Jen's breasts are ____"
Grade: D (Dog eating your Monopoly money)

In Touch
In "Why We Got Back Together" an insider describes Chris and Rihanna's reunion: "They were crying and hugging and kissing. It was a tender moment. You can tell they are really in love, in spite of what may have happened. Chris kept saying over and over again how much he loves her." Though they were at Sean Combs Miami mansion, a friend insists Diddy didn't try to reunite Chris and Rihanna saying, "He had nothing to do with it." So, they just broke in to his house? A sidebar says: "Fans are disappointed with Rihanna." Fans like those on JEZEBEL.COM. (Fig. 4) We've finally arrived! Moving on: "Jon and Kate [of Plus 8 fame]'s marriage is falling apart." Jon has been spending time at his mom's house three hours from his home with Kate, and partying with local college kids. He was overheard telling a girl he was hitting on, "we might be getting a divorce," and, "Kate is a bitch. She's so compulsive and Type A." Jennifer Aniston checked into a Paris hotel she stayed at five years ago with Brad, because clearly she's still in love with him. Portia de Rossi says that she and Ellen are not trying to get pregnant. It "could not be further from the truth," she says. "The IVF story was just completely made up." Dina Lohan and Lindsay's friends are planning an intervention to urge her to go back to rehab. A witness says she's a "walking skeleton" and she's been partying non-stop, accompanying Sam to DJ gigs. "Lindsay has always said her issue was not with alcohol, so she is fine to drink," says a friend, "she thinks she can control it." Next: Brad and Angelina's brood is "getting in the way of the romance." Were you aware that Angelina isn't as sexy as she once was? (Fig. 5) Nicole Kidman was wearing a loose fitting dress, so she must be pregnant. It's the same logic behind the full page diagram "Pizza or Pregnant." (Fig. 6)
Grade: C- (Spilling Scrabble tiles on the floor)

Star
SECRET WEDDING! Chris "literally fell to his knees," tearfully apologizing when he was first reunited with Rihanna. An insider says, "He tenderly wiped [her tears] away and kissed her face, which was still slightly bruised. He just kept whispering, 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry.'" Yes, the mag actually gives a romanticized account of their reunion. Another source says he told her she was his "queen" and asked her to spend the rest of her life with him. The mag writes: "She saw remorse in his eyes and accepted his apology and proposal on the spot." They exchanged vows before a priest, and though the wedding wasn't exactly legal, they are planning to have another ceremony soon. Also, the mag zooms in on an often reprinted photo of Rihanna on the red carpet the day before the beating, revealing that she had a suspicious cut on her wrist at the time. (Fig. 7) Moving on: Salma Hayek married Francois-Henri Pinault because she wants to have another baby. An insider says Pinault, "adores [their daughter] Valentina. But he cherishes his freedom. He doesn't want to be tied down with dirty diapers and late-night feedings." Their solution was to get married, on the condition that Salma be the primary caregiver to both the kids and live in L.A. while he stays in Paris. Oprah is turning to hypnotism to lost weight. "While in an trance, Oprah will be asked to recall childhood memories of the first time she was tempted by fattening goodies." Blind item: Which pretty twenty-something actress recently got dumped by her reality TV star boyfriend - and consoled herself by jumping into bed with another small-screen hunk? More on "Jon - Minus Kate, Plus 8." In addition to partying with college students on several occasions, Jon Gosselin went out to dinner with his mom and demanded a different waitress because he wanted another woman who was younger and more attractive. Jon's mom flipped when he started flirting with a divorced woman at the bar and was overheard saying, "Stop acting like a fool. I will not cover for you!" Jon left with the woman, but they got into a fight at a nearby bar and he left her "crying hysterically." Next: Though Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green have called off their engagement, she slept at the house they shared for two nights after they officially split. A friend says: "Megan can't cut Brian out of her life cold turkey because the sex is too good!" In closing, the six page story "Look Who's Twittering Now!" delves into the social networking habits of John Mayer, Lance Armstrong, Lily Allen, and admitted Twitter addict Ashton Kutcher.
Grade: C (Cramming extra kids into your car in the Game of Life)


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In Touch
"Brad Feels Trapped." Basically, this mag insists that Angelina is knocked up with her 7th child, and that Brad is "tormented" by her "baby joy." And insider says, "Brad feels trapped. He knows he can't leave her now." Cuz before, when they only had 6 kids, he could totally just walk away. But seven?? Anyway, the "source" claims that even before the twins were born, Brad tried to "escape" by "drinking vast amounts of beer." Moving on: Tom and Katie are celebrating their two-year anniversary. What keeps them together? Their daughter. Katie "puts up with a lot for Suri's sake," a friend claims. The friend also says: "Life with Tom is not what Katie thought it would be." For the love of Xenu. Also inside: Nicole Richie is "too thin again." A nutritionist who doesn't treat her estimates her weight is 90 lbs.; she was 85 lbs. at her thinnest. Lindsay Lohan has a crush on Gossip Girl's Ed Westwick! "I love Chuck Bass," she says. "I want to be his friend." Evan Rachel Wood has "finally" found a guy her age: The 21-year-old was seen making out with Joseph Gordon Levitt, 27. This comes just 3 weeks after breaking up with 39-year-old Marilyn Manson. Christina Ricci has a new man, and he is 6 foot 6 (Fig. 1). On a spread called "The Most Expensive Celebrity Weddings," we learn that Jessica Simpson spent $250,000 on roses; both Mariah and Gwen Stefani had $500,000 receptions; Trista Rehn had $50,000 platinum and diamond-encrusted shoes. By the by: John Stamos is ready to have kids! Lastly, the epically dumb story: "Suri Is Copying Lindsay's Style" (Fig. 2)! Since this is the only weekly not to cover the Obamas, it receives an automatic failure.
Grade: F- (dreadlock)

Life & Style
"Jen Speaks Out On Angelina." You've heard this a million times over the last two days and here it is again: Jennifer Aniston thinks that Angelina talking about falling in love during Mr. And Mrs. Smith is "very uncool." Jen's friends "know to avoid" talking about Brangelina, and Jen says she can deal with running into Brad, but she's tired of being tied to him publicly. Yawn. Moving on! There are two pages based on Lindsay Lohan's Bazaar interview, in which she says she's not a lesbian. She does say she sees herself getting married "eventually." The mag asks, to a man or a woman? LL answers, "I don't know." In a Brad and Angelina story called "Time Apart," we learn that the two make sure they have "date night" at least two nights a month — the nannies watch the kids. A "Meet The First Daughters" story informs us that Malia Obama likes ice cream: "Ice cream is my favorite food," she says. "I could eat ice cream forever." Sasha likes to dance to Beyoncé on her iPod. Beyoncé has offered to sing at the inauguration! Insiders say that moving to the White House will probably be easier on Sasha because she's younger and more of an extrovert. Malia already has her own set of friends and a life that she's used to, so she may get homesick. But! The White House does have a in-house movie theater, swimming pool and bowling alley. Next: Kim Kardashian has "stolen" Angelina Jolie's stylist, Jen Rade, who told her to ditch the extensions and stop wearing so much tight stuff. "I've kept 10 Herve Leger dresses as keepsakes," says Kim, "but I've gotten rid of 40." Hayden Panettiere is 19 and now has a $2.6 million house in L.A. It looks cute. Lastly, in "Dr. Rey's Casebook," the doc says that Mandy Moore's nose is "perfect for her face" didn't she have it done? He also claims that Whitney Port would be "stunning" with Lauren Conrad's nose (Fig. 3). She looks awful. Women are not Lego, for you to swap and change pieces, doctor.
Grade: F+ (rat's nest)

OK!
"Michelle's Private World." Intern Margaret says she didn't really learn anything new about Michelle, and the only source the mag uses is Yusef Williams, Michelle's hairstylist. He does reveal that "Michelle has a lot of full-length hair — no extensions — and she has relaxed." Williams explains, in great detail, how to get her 'do: there's serum, blow-drying and flat ironing involved. He expects her look to evolve when the Obamas hit the White House: "I'm sure there is going to be change, because that's the motto: Change. Expect something shorter, layered, fun and one-of-a-kind." There are rumors that the earrings Michelle wore on election night were a gift from Oprah, but that's not true. They're $10,000 Loree Rodkin earrings. We also learned how to get Malia and Sasha's looks, by shopping H&M, Bloomingdales, J. Crew and Payless. Moving on: Britney's son Jayden was rushed to the hospital on Sunday, and an allergic reaction to shellfish was the cause. No shrimp cocktail for little Jay! There's a two-page spread with "exclusive" pictures from Mel B.'s vow renewal in Egypt, if you care.
Grade: C- (teased tangles)

Star
"Devastated Jen: How Could You!" So yeah, what is Jen Aniston pissed about now? According to the mag, Jen was surfing the web and "came across a story that plunged a knife directly into her heart." It was when Brad told Oprah that Angelina is "the love of his life." Oprah asked him if he's the happiest he's ever been, and Brad answers, "Dare I say?" To which Oprah said, "Dare I see!" The mag digs up a quote from 1996, when Brad Pitt dedicated his Golden Globe from 12 Monkeys to "the love of my life, my angel": Gwyneth Paltrow. And! In 2004, while Brad was still with Jen but had started filming Mr. And Mrs. Smith, he said: "We'll see where this thing is going. I'm not sure it is really in our nature to be with someone for the rest of our lives." Now Jen is wondering if Brad ever really love her, and she called his mom to cry about it. An insider says having John Mayer's baby is going to be Jen's "in your face" to Brad. Apparently John Mayer is so frustrated by Jen's "lingering feelings" for Brad that he's written pages and pages of rants he plans to turn into song lyrics. Moving on: Blind item! "Which new mom is having a little too much fun when her baby's dad is out of town? Booze and coke aren't quite the best diet for someone who is still breastfeeding." Also inside: "America's First Sweethearts" is all about Sasha and Malia Obama! Sasha, who will be the youngest kid in the White House since Kennedy's children, is a budding gymnast who collects snowglobes — dad picks them up during his travels! Plus, there's a picture of Sasha and Barack in a bumper car (Fig. 4)! Lastly, there are six pages called "Hollywood Strip Show," which is about stars who have been — or played — strippers. Did you know that Mark Consuelos was known as the "king of whipped cream" when he danced in Tampa in the early '90s?
Grade: C (dry curls)

Us
"I Think I'm A Pretty Cool Dad." The issue devotes eight pages to Barack Obama, after having a 13-page page story about the Obamas and other White House families last week. They even have a page called "Obamas — Just Like Us!" (Fig. 5) You get to see tons and tons of pictures, especially of Sasha and Malia — rollerskating, playing with a puppy, hugging dad, etc. There's also a page called "Fake Baby News," in which Us calls out In Touch OK! and Star for spreading vicious, vicious lies. (Fig. 6) Keep your enemies close!
Grade: C+ (conditioned tresses)
















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We asked Liz Rosenberg about this discrepancy between what she said earlier, and what's happening now. Her answer: "there was no pending divorce earlier this year."

So, we asked, does that mean that, for example, the Sun's report that Madonna "initially planned to move back to the US with their three children in July" is false? "yes," Rosenberg replied.

Well, how credible is Liz Rosenberg? She told the world in 2006 that Madonna was not adopting a baby in Malawi. Although, of course, Madonna did adopt a baby in Malawi.

What else do we know about Rosenberg?

• According to CityFile, she's "best known for having served as Madonna's flack for more than 20 years. Other clients have included the Pretenders, Cher, Josh Groban, Stevie Nicks, Seal, k.d. Lang, and Liza Minnelli."
• She does a good job of staying friendly with celebrity magazine editors, naturally—she's allegedly been showering the editor of People with free Madonna tickets for a decade or more.
• She knows how to play hardball—she reportedly managed to silence a good deal of potential press coverage of Madonna's brother Christopher Ciccone's book last summer, which portrayed the singer negatively.

So Rosenberg does her job. Regardless, no matter how much wheedling, pleading, bargaining, threats, or doubletalk a flack uses, they're not supposed to flat-out lie. But Rosenberg has quite a reputation for lying. Look! Some of the most vehement "Rosenberg is a liar" voices are the most fervent Madonna fans, like commenters on AbsoluteMadonna.com. It might be advantageous to court them, from a PR point of view!

Celebrity flacks are probably the only remaining category of PR people who can get away with bald-faced lies, and continue to be effective in their jobs. Corporate flacks run the risk of pissing off business reporters (or even the SEC), which would make them liabilities. Media flacks? Lord, they have to be friends with reporters. To lie is to die. Despite the vague public perception that all flacks are liars, they really can't be if they want to have a long-term career.

Unless they have a client like Madonna! Because the celebrity media will want to cover Madonna for the rest of her natural life no matter what she or her flack does. So Liz Rosenberg, yes, probably finds it expedient to just lie and now and then, without any real consequences.

But that also means you shouldn't necessarily believe anything she says.

[pic via Celebrity Wonder]

Life & Style
"Brad & Angie Vs. Tom & Katie: Showdown!" This bizarre story is crafted around the fact that when Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt costarred in Interview With The Vampire in 1994, Tom was a megastar and Brad was on the rise; now Tom is a falling star and Brad "lives every day like it's the weekend." Apparently since Angelina was being considered for the lead role in Edwin A. Salt, when Tom was supposed to have that part, these couples are having a "secret feud." So secret they don't even know! Katie and Tom have negative Scientology publicity and Angie and Brad are charitable do-gooders, blah blah blah, it's a fabrication and a yawn. Moving on: "Britney Gets Justin Back" is about how the two are recording a duet for her new album. Madonna and Guy are "staying together for the kids" but the same story says "they are feeling very positive about their relationship." Other than that there are just lots of clothes and makeup in this mag. The editors should just have a stylish cover instead of a "news-y" one.
Grade: F (Forwarded religious "joke" email)


OK!
There are two covers: The front is Barack Obama and his family with the line "Life With My Girls." The back, upside down cover is Sarah Pailn: "A Mother's Painful Choice." Most of the Sarah Palin story is information that has already been reported, though you may not know that she went to 3 different colleges in Idaho before graduating from the University Of Idaho. On to Senator Obama: His daughters, Sasha and Malia were jumping up and down the whole time he gave his acceptance speech; backstage, the whole family had a two-minute group hug. The mag says: "Amazing yes, but not out of the ordinary for the tight-knit Obamas, who, according to insiders, are such an all-American family, they almost make the Brady Bunch look dysfunctional." There are quotes from Poppy Montgomery and Wilmer Valderrama, who are impressed with his parenting style. Next: The OK! Poll of Who Has The Firmest Melons made us want to die (Fig. 1). Lastly: Anne Hathaway wants to get back in the dating game — what better place than the DNC? She was seen dancing with actor Josh Lucas but also gave her number to some civilian. The mag suggests that Luke Russert would be a good match for Anne.
Grade: D- (ALL CAPS EMAIL)


Star
"The Fight For Baby Maddie." Days after her daughter was born, Jamie Lynn discovered that Casey cheated on her with yet another woman: His former high school classmate Andrea Revels, 20. (Not to be confused with Kelli Dawson, 28 who told In Touch she slept with Casey when JLS was six months pregnant.) JLS has given Casey a 7pm curfew and he has to be available by cell phone at all times, no excuses. He had to give her all his email and voicemail passwords and she asked him to attend couples counseling with her. Right now JLS is living at her mom's house in Louisiana and not at the house she shared with Casey in Mississippi, so Casey might fight her for money and custody. He definitely doesn't want to lose his meal ticket, since JLS used to pay for everything. Britney and Lynne Spears may try to pay Casey off to get him to disappear. Next: Gossip Girl Leighton Meester's mother, father, grandfather and aunt all did hard time in Federal prisons for drug dealing. Her aunt, Judy Haas McNelis was the first woman ever on the US Marshal Service's 15 most wanted list. She smuggled a hacksaw into jail! Britney and Adnan are back on: A friend called and Britney said, "We're in bed. And we're going to take a bath together soon." Also inside: There's an entire page devoted to the fact that Eva Longoria's thighs are big. And they're guessing that she weighs a whopping 117 pounds. Mandy Moore has a new man named Andre! He's best known for his appearance in the 2001 comedy Super Troopers. Amanda Bynes has broken up with Seth MacFarlane. Madonna's daughter Lourdes was offered a role in The Secret Life of Bees but Madge doesn't want her to work until after high school. Lastly: Michael Phelps has a "secret lover" named Nicole Johnson, and she has been his girlfriend for a year. She's a former beauty queen from California and she may be moving in with Michael. She was in Beijing!
Grade: D+ (Chain letter email)


In Touch
"Doctors Fear That Angelina Is Now Battling Post Partum" Basically, unnamed sources claim that Angie is listless and just wants to nap lately and doctors who don't treat her say: "Women with twins can be totally overwhelmed" so it could be post partum. Meanwhile, she is "isolated" because she lives in the French countryside and has no friends and Brad is off partying in Venice with George Clooney. Part two of this "Moms In Crisis" package is Gwen Stefani's "Baby Weight Panic!"; and part three is "J.Lo Wants Her Life Back!" Gwen is worried she will not lose weight fast enough; Jennifer wants to get back to work. Moving on: Halle Berry's baby pictures, OMG. (Fig. 2) Intern Margaret says, "It's pretty cool she didn't sell them. Good for her." Next: Alec Baldwin wanted to kill himself after the audio of him yelling at his daughter was released. He thought about going on a hike in Massachusetts and shooting himself or overdosing in a bed and breakfast. He has a new autobiography coming out Sept. 23, which is why we're hearing about this. Also inside: Those kids from High School Musical make millions. Blake Lively is throwing a 21st birthday party with a Jazz age theme: Everyone better come in costume! There's a Gatsby quote on the invitation: "Can't repeat the past?' he cried incredulously. 'Why, of course you can!'" Mandy Moore has a new man named Andre: He's an artist and she is three inches taller. Britney and Adnan are back on! He says she is his soul mate! She's in love! Lastly: Everyone is wearing Clark Kent glasses (fig 3).
Grade: C- (Nigerian Prince email)


Us
"Babies, Lies & Scandal." This is a round up of all of the gossip that we've heard about Governor Sarah Palin in the last week. The mag quotes a commenter on Yahoo!: "How can Palin help McCain keep America in control when she can't even keep her own daughter in control?" There's stuff about her husband, about her involvement in the Alaska Independence Party, which wants the state to seceed from the US, and there's a sidebar of about 5 other controversies that aren't even covered in the article. We really love the picture of her wearing an incorrectly punctuated T-shirt that reads, "I may be broke but, I'm not flat busted." It's right above the shot of her next to a bleeding caribou that's been shot in the face. (Pro life!) Moving on: There are cute pix of Halle Berry's baby, plus a chart of "Couples Who Pray Together Stay Together" (Jess Simpson & Tony Romo, Keisha & Justin Chambers, Spencer & Heidi). An interview with Isis King, the transgendered contestant from America's Next Top Model: "I used to wear silicone [breast enhancers] for shoots, but it's too hot with all that extra stuff. Most models don't have breasts anyway! I would also tape [my penis] at first, but since then I've found new ways to make everything smooth. What I use is like a thong. I made it myself with a piece of denim." She plans to have a sex change by her 25th birthday.
Grade: C (Sarah Palin rumor email)

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How Palin is Playing In The Supermarket Aisles [ABC News]

Star
"Little Princesses." Intern Margaret says, "The story is summed up on the cover." It's six pages comparing growing up Shiloh Jolie-Pitt to growing up Suri Cuise. (Shiloh: Hand-me-downs, cookie monster, twin dollies, free spirit. Suri: $$$ Designer duds, still a bottle baby, security blanket, calls the shots.) After reading about who likes Nutella and Meerkat Manor, here's what you glean: Shiloh's the down-to-earth kid whose mom cuts her hair and who runs around the backyard getting dirty, while Suri gets salon cuts, throws a fit if her blanket is left behind and has a closet full of expensive dresses. Suri picks out her clothes herself, except when the nanny helps. Moving on: Christina Applegate has been dating Martyn Lenoble for several months and she wants to have his baby. So even though she has breast cancer, she doesn't want to have chemo or radiation until she gives birth. Some doctor who doesn't treat her says pregnancy can help some early-stage breast cancer. Next: While in Los Cabos, Mexico, John Mayer disappeared for a 25 minute walk with a young lady and came back smoking a cigar. There are hot tub pix. The mag says: "The notorious ladies man may have sparked the stogie to celebrate a flash of freedom far from his 39-year-old girlfriend and her baby dreams." Egads. Are Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds planning to get hitched this winter after ScarJo's birthday? The mag says will it be a traditional Jewish ceremony in NYC. Madonna is mad at Britney because the pictures of Brit's "surprise" video for the Sticky & Sweet tour got leaked online and Madge thinks Brit's camp is to blame. Blind item! "Which hot TV actor was lying when he said he wasn't dating a certain reality star? Source say she recently visited him on set, where they spent 2 hours flirting with each other." Guesses? Lastly: Reese lost 20 lbs. "for Jake."
Grade: F (anal fistula)


Life & Style
"Hollywood's Cutest Kids." An 11-page "special" with lots of pictures of celebrity babies. Suri Cruise gets a 2-page spread about going to The Little Mermaid on Broadway and going bowling in New York. All of the kids get tags; for instance: Maddox is "the daredevil," Zahara is "the globe-trotter," Apple is "The Clotheshorse." Valentina Pinault, Salma Hayek's kid, is "The Accessorizer." She is 11 months old. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan thinks of the Ronsons as "the family she never had" because they are close to each other and not fucked up. She also changed her Facebook religion status to "I'm converting" so now there's speculation that she will become Jewish! Slow news summer. Next: Angelina's on a "race to get ready" for Brad Pitt's movie premiere August 27th. The movie is Burn After Reading and the mag claims Angie "wants to look like a trophy wife" on the red carpet so she's trying to lose 20 lbs. Insane on so many levels! There are newborn twins at home in addition to like a posse of other kids. Are we really supposed to believe she is worrying about her red carpet weight? Fuck.
Grade: F, but B if you LOVE baby pix. (self-correcting rectal prolapse)


Us Weekly
"18 Lbs In 10 Weeks!" Jennifer Love Hewitt exclusive! There's a different picture from a different angle inside the magazine and her body looks different. Not as whittled down. In the six-page story, the mag talks to her trainer and discovers — shocker — that Love Hewitt has been working out more and eating less. If you're interested in her exact diet and workout plan, it's there, in all of its boring detail. (No carbs after 3pm.) Next: Are Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer headed for a breakup? (Did it already happen?) There are pictures of him in a hot tub with some chicks, looking smug and smoking a cigar. Us also calls out Star and OK!'s "fake news" for running Jen/John baby and marriage stories last week. Also inside: In a 4-page story interview with Lauren and Lo about The Hills, the reporter compliments LC's runny mascara in the season 4 trailer. Lauren responds by naming the mascara and eyeliner she was wearing that day, which happen to be Avon, the company she reps. Ooh! A picture of the transgendered contestant on the upcoming cycle of America's Next Top Model! Her name is Isis (Fig. 1). Lastly, Ali Lohan has, um, filled out. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (anal abscess)


OK!
"Britney Tells All ABout Her Boys And Her New Life." Brit's "first interview in 2 years" is 8 pages long, with new pictures of Jayden and whatshisface wearing white tuxedoes in the backyard. Britney is wearing a white dress but it's like, a bikini cover-up that you can see through and the top is split from sternum to belly. The story is filled with the humdrum details of Brit's daily life: She reads the boys Berenstein Bears books. There's kiddie artwork on the fridge. She makes them pancakes. Intern Margaret says, "It's chock full of details, but they're details you don't care about. She seems healthy." Brit says she has a good relationship with her mom now and and appreciates her more. It ends on a hopeful though frightening note: Britney is writing a lot of songs for her new album. Next: The first line of the "Suri & The City" story reads, "Move over Carrie Bradshaw, there's a new trendsetter in town!" More on ScarJo's wedding: Even though Scarlett has said she has no immediate plans to get married, she was spotted reading InStyle Weddings & Brides, and an spy says "You could tell that she had earmarked pages." Plus! She totally wore white to a movie premiere! Lastly: "Is Lindsay A Faux-Mosexual?" She was seen flirting with guys. She's also "the aggressive one" in her relationship with Sam.
Grade: C- (anal fissure)


In Touch
"Jamie Lynn Betrayed." The mag tracked down Kelli Dawson, 28, who claims she had a relationship with 19-year-old Casey Aldridge, 17-year-old Jamie Lynn's fiancé and baby daddy. Kelli, 28, yes, 28 years old, is photographed in virginal white wearing a wooden cross around her neck. She says: "I still love him and I think he loves me." They were still sleeping together when JLS was six months pregnant with Casey's baby. Kelli says, "I see him all the time, at least once a week." They live in the same town. "I think that he's trapped," Kelli sighs. She also says: "When I see Jamie Lynn doing interviews and talking about how happy she is with Casey, it seems so fake. She is trying to paint a pretty picture, but it's messy art." Truth! Moving on: The "Jen And John Take A Break" story has more hot tub pix. Page 6 of this issue has a poll question, "Are you surprised that Britney hasn't had sex in 7 months?" (Fig. 3) It makes little sense until you get to page 56, where you find a story called "Seven Months Without Sex!" So basically, Britney's been working out instead of getting laid. Also she's been living with her dad. Dr. Drew says: "With bipolar, you become hypersexual. Before Britney began treatment, sleeping around with different men could have been the result of the manic state she was in." Britney joked to a friend: "How do you make out with a guy while your dad watches?" Next: Nicole and Joel have hit a rough patch. She's living in his house in Glendale and feels likes she's stuck in the suburbs. She wants to move back to Hollywood! Also, is her baby daddy helping enough? While on tour, Joel said: "It's hard to be on the road, but I have a great girl and she takes care of everything." Lastly: Guy Ritchie gave Madonna a $100,00 Rolex Masterpiece in tricolor 18K gold, surrounded by 42 brilliant baguette cut diamonds, the "ultimate timepiece."
Grade: C (hemorrhoids)


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1. Miley Cyrus
Why She Will Be: Remember when Cyrus (perhaps better known as Disney Channel phenom Hannah Montana) posed! practically naked! for Vanity Fair? She was just fifteen years old. If that's not an auspicious beginning to a decade spent in the celebrity trenches, I just don't know what is. Also, throw in Billy Ray, her just slightly creepy overbearing papa and that's a strong soup.
Why She Won't: This new generation of Kids 2.0 might be so inured to the popwrecks of Lohan and Spears that they know what pitfalls to avoid. Perhaps Cyrus will deftly navigate her years spent not a girl and not yet a woman and will emerge — hoarse voice, rosy complexion, sunny disposition intact — just fine. Consider that a hopeful prayer, Miley.

2. Dakota Fanning
Why She Will Be: Because everyone, strange perversions or not, likes to see a child star awkwardly stumble into adulthood. Fanning, star of such films as I Am Sam and War of the Worlds, has been on our national radar since she was a wee one. And now, as she enters teendom, our prurient ears and eyes will perk up, waiting salaciously for the first sexual bumble, that first tentative alcohol-fueled evening made just a bit too public. And we will eat it up. Plus, expect some "look at me!" grownup movies. It may have already started with last year's Hounddog, for which a then-12-year-old Fanning filmed a graphic rape scene.
Why She Won't: So far Fanning has seemed to possess almost otherworldly intelligence and maturity. Maybe she'll go the Jodie Foster route, disappearing for a bit to experience regular life, then reemerging as a serious, adult actress to be reckoned with. And maybe also a lesbian.

3. Jamie Lynn Spears
Why She Will Be: Oh hell, she's already there. Preggers at sixteen, photographed repeatedly driving around in a strange gocart with her dopey boyfriend, spotted outside silly chain restaurants in Mississippi. She's already a Britney redux and she's still so young. Once she pops out her first bastard child, expect either another pregnancy, a glorious flameout effort to get her career back on track, or both.
Why She Won't: An early death could slow her down. But, more likely, general Spears fatigue will carry over to the littlest dumpling, and Jamie Lynn will just fade into bayou obscurity, Spanish moss shrouding the Spears clan forever. Well, until her mama Lynn storms the gates of LSU and begins hurling wine coolers from the clocktower in a last ditch bid for attention.

4. Zac Efron
Why He Will Be: Because everyone loves a good heartthrob, especially one who acts, sings, and dances. Don't believe me? Just look at ol' Justin Timberlake. The High School Musical star is lined up to star in some major features in the next couple years, meaning he's only a couple nights of too-hard partying, several gorgeous celebrity girlfriends, and a few harmless gay rumors away from being a Justin-sized Us magazine cover cash cow.
Why He Won't: For every JT out there, there are a thousand Ashley Parker Angels, Nick Carters, and Lance Basses. Yeah, they've all had some exposure, but nothing legendary. If he's lucky, Efron will work until his mid twenties, then retire to Northern California with his roommate Barry, where he'll sculpt and direct the musicals at the high school.

5. Miranda Cosgrove
Why She Will Be: Starring on both Drake & Josh and iCarly, the Nickelodeon workhorse is being groomed for big things. Though popular with tweens, we don't know much about her personal life, just that she seems to be truly focused on making it in the biz. Meaning she's a simmering party girl just waiting to bust out. She'll tromp down red carpets, swill champagne, and bed hop with the best of them.
Why She Won't: Who the hell is Miranda Cosgrove? What the hell is an iCarly?

6. The Gossip Girl Kids
Why They Will Be: They're young, pretty, buzzed-about, and on a hip (if little-watched) teen soap. Sure that only carried the OC moppets a short distance, but the GG kids could outlast them, we think. They seem a little more dangerous, a little more edgy and exposed. Maybe it's the New York factor, maybe it's that some of them are already popping up in tabs because they're dating, or maybe it's that we're pathetically obsessed with some of their sexualities. Whatever the reason, they just seem to have a certain something that makes us think at least one of them will be big.
Why They Won't: They'll need to do more than be on a low-rated CW show. The 90210 kids of old never really parlayed their crazy buzz into anything substantial, tabloid or otherwise. Once the show is canceled (mid-season next year, we predict), they'll probably just wander down Lexington, make a left somewhere, and disappear forever.

7. Shia LaBeouf
Why He Will Be: Yes he's irritating and over-hyped, but that hasn't necessarily stopped anyone in the past. The young actor has the same rakishness and noble devotion to his craft that makes George Clooney such an irresistible public figure. He probably won't be smeared across tabloid headlines for threatening cops or burying himself in mountains of blow, but his dating life will soon be on constant public display, we suspect.
Why He Won't: He's irritating and over-hyped. People will grow tired of his shtick. He won't settle comfortably into his looks as he ages. An early cocaine problem will derail him before he can first become hugely famous and then develop a coke problem, when it won't matter. Any or all of the above could prove to be true.

8. Emma Stone
Why She Will Be: Maybe it's the Lohan-esque red hair. The Superbad actress, who's going to be in a comedy called The House Bunny this summer, just seems a bit roguish. A bit dangerous. This is just a weird hunch.
Why She Won't: With only one movie under her belt, she's pretty untested as a person of interest. Plus she seems smart, which could mean that she'll avoid all the youthful Hollywood nonsense. But then again, that red hair...

9. The Jonas Brothers
Why They Will Be: The tight pants. The floppy hair. The foppish hats. The virginity-promising rings. The gooey lyrics. The legion of girly fans. This tweeny bop band (and stars of the upcoming Disney Channel movie Camp Rock, with Miranda Cosgrove! Excited??!) are just too good a set-up. This precarious house of cards must fall, and it must fall in a big (and hopefully gay) way.
Why They Won't: Tight pants. Floppy hair. Virginity. Gooey lyrics. Legion of girly fans. Sounds just like 90's teen boy rock band Hanson, right? And where the hell are those Christian-nut brothers these days? All are living happily-married peaceful lives, with adorable babies biting at their ankles while they record well-reviewed albums together. The Jonas Brothers, who started off as a Christian rock band, could meet the same pleasant fate. Plus, if they were to fall, it would probably be in one glorious catastrophe. Their denouement probably wouldn't last long enough to endure a massive tabloid barnstorm.

10. Shenae Grimes
Why She Will Be: Already big with the young ones because of her "work" on popular Canadian teen melodrama Degrassi: The Next Generation, Grimes is poised to get even bigger when the new 90210 reboot premieres this fall. Grimes is attractive, not too Candian-style "aboot"-y, and has shown a willingness to bare more than her emotions on Degrassi.
Why She Won't: The new 90210 could be a terrific failure. Plus her name is Shenae Grimes.

11. Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Tisdale
Why They Will Be: The third High School Musical movie, in which they both star, is going to play in actual fucking movie theaters. Hudgens already had a nude photo scandal involving boyfriend Zac Efron, and Tisdale seems to thoroughly enjoy paparazzi-baiting and flitting down red carpets. Again we have a set of mostly-virginal actresses poised to sully their reputations, over and over and over again.
Why They Won't: The HSM craze could fade. Their popularity might not be as big as Disney would like you to believe. They'll both need to do a couple of saucier, more risque projects before they can expect to be mercilessly hounded by crazed photographers.

12. Katherine Heigl
Why She Will Be: Well, she may already be there. She's photographed constantly, but it's usually tame shots of her having dinner with her husband or at some event. With her newly acquired bitch status, could we be on the verge of some sort of Joan Crawfordian meltdown? Imagine the paparazzi photos of Heigl, bedraggled with curlers in her hair and a cigarette dangling from her lip, chasing people down the street in her housecoat.
Why She Won't: She could get her bad attitude in check and right herself on the course to major movie stardom. Sure she'll still be in the tabloids, but it'll be for more pleasant things like "Who Wore it Best" and photos of charity events.

13. Michael Jackson
Why He Will Be: While there may be no second acts for most American lives, the ridiculously troubled singer/dancer/child romancer Jackson has had fourth, fifth and sixth acts in the past dizzying two decades. He's been laying low for a while, which could possibly be setting the stage for the (gulp) final act.
Why He Won't: Isn't he broke and living in Dubai somewhere? What could he possibly do to get back in the public eye? Oh, actually get convicted on a molestation charge and be sent prison? Oh, OK.

14. Samantha Ronson
Why She Will Be: The lesbian DJ and probable lover of Lindsay Lohan, could launch her own sort of spin-off. Could Us Weekly and co. be ready to give her her own sort of spin-off, once she inevitably parts ways with Lohan? A druggy, be-hatted lesbian trots around Hollywood, outing starlets. Sounds like a good story to us.
Why She Won't: The Lohan factor is probably all she's got going for her in the famous department. Once that does end, it's more likely that she'll just retreat back to being a small celebrity on the club circuit.

15. Elle Fanning
Why She Will Be: The 12-year-old sister of our no. 2 Dakota, Elle could follow in the footsteps of addled siblings like Jamie Lynn or Paris's brother, Barron Hilton. It could also be interesting to watch her rocket past her sister in fame and success, only to lose it all when all the attendant problems of sibling rivalry and problematic family dynamics come racing to catch up with her.
Why She Won't: Perhaps Dakota will, in fact, supernova and Elle will run screaming in the other direction. Or maybe the successfully Jodie Foster-like version of Dakota will shield her little sis from all the slings and arrows. (Plus it's awful to predict a miserable fate for a 12-year-old. You should be ashamed of yourself, Richard.)

16. The Vengeful Ghost of Anna Nicole Smith
Why It Will Be: Hey, it could happen!
Why It Won't: No, no it could not.

Star
Jamie Lynn's "baby joy turns to tears…" because her shotgun wedding to Casey Aldridge is allegedly off! Despite frequent, happy looking trips to Wal-Mart, the two teens fight all the time. Even worse, Casey is reportedly two-timing Jamie Lynn! "Casey is acting like a dog," a local yokel notes. And Casey's not the only "celebrity" behaving badly. The Hills Whitney Port is acting like a diva, showing up late to appearances and demanding trips to 7-Eleven. Even more shocking: a Whitney Port personal appearance commands $14,000. New moms Melissa Joan Hart and Jaime Pressly are gabbing about their new baby boys. Jaime ate cabbage soup six days a week and worked out two hours a day to lose her baby weight. Sounds…farty and ill-advised. Lilo hates Mary-Kate Olsen because of her friendship with Samantha Ronson, although MK is really scared of people thinking she's a lezebel. John Mayer has a touch of the OCD: since moving in with Jennifer Aniston at her hotel in Florida while she shoots Marley and Me, he has been cleaning up after her cleaning lady. Jen, who is 9 years older than John, is also featured in a spread called "Cougar Season" alongside Mariah, Ellen DeGeneres, and ur-Cougar Demi Moore. Ladies sometimes date younger men: this is not news. We are officially over the term "cougar."
Grade: D (falling asleep outside and having someone write "Dick" on your stomach in sunblock)
Us
Former jilted Bachelor star Andrew Firestone has a "Second Chance At Love," the Us cover blares. Even though ex-fiancée Jen Schefft dumped him on his keister after the show aired, Firestone has found love with a leggy blonde Serbian model named Ivana Bozilovic. You guys, it's so hard to rebound from a break-up when you're a ridiculously good-looking heir to a tire fortune. Firestone has been through so much! Not as much as breakup postergirl Jennifer Aniston. But things seem to be looking up for our formerly depressed diva! Her friends all love new boyfriend John Mayer, even notoriously tough Courteney Cox. Several preggers stars are just about ready to "pop": Gwen Stefani, Nicole Kidman, Jamie Lynn Spears, Luciana Damon (Matt's wife) and Ryan Shawhughes (Ethan Hawke's gf) are among the super pregs. Patrick Swayze has gone back to work on the forthcoming A&E series The Beast even though he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. No cancer puts Patrick in a corner! Kim Cattrall signed on to executive produce and star in a new HBO comedy, Sensitive Skin, which is about a woman rediscovering her sexuality. "Even though it's my name, and the word skin is there, it's a very subtle show," she assures Us. Mmmkay.
Grade: D- (subway smells on a 99 degree day)
In Touch
Angelina is "Pushing Brad Away!" Nooooes! Apparently Ange has violent mood swings because of all the pregnancy hormones and Brad can't deal with it. He took Maddox to the MotoGP motorcycling championship just to get the eff away from Angie. At least she's not back to her Billy Bob humping days, but allegedly Nicole Richie is back to her old bad habits, namely not eating. She's down to 95 pounds, only ten pounds heavier than her scary looking lowest point. Also back to bad habits: Brit Brit. She's back on the sauce, but still not doing drugs, though some fear that Britney's cocktail swilling might lead back down the road to cocaine corner. Also: there's some sidebar saying that Britney's boozing is causing her to have acne. WTF? Did a boob job come between George Clooney and Sarah Larson? Apparently Larson got her tatas done in May, and George wasn't happy about it. Sarah, however, is so thrilled with her new bod that she is considering posing for Playboy. Sigh.
Grade: F+ (second degree sunburn)
OK!
Aw, Shiloh is excited about Angelina's new babies! Apparently SO excited that OK! felt the need to devote four pages to the minutia of Shiloh's very existence. She has "pull-up diapers and tells Mom and Dad when she has to go to the bathroom"! She is learning to sleep alone! She puts her hands on Angie's stomach to feel the twins kick! Um, just like ANY OTHER TWO-YEAR-OLD EVER IN THE HISTORY OF LIFE. Brad Pitt might be making babies these days, but according to a "friend" of John Mayer's, Brad doesn't stack up to John in the sack. John is "Not just good, but sensational" at the sex." Jen is so appreciative that she's started glowing and wearing dresses. Or something like that. Mutiny in The Hills! Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge are brawling. There's a photo shoot with Audrina at her pool house, behind the main house where Lauren and Lo live, and apparently L.C. was pissed about it. "She was very, very mad." Audrina says. "She said it's her house. But this is my room…No she thinks I'm sneaky and shady for doing this photo shoot, yet she and her team knew about it." Dramz!
Grade: F (boob sweat on a date)
Life & Style
Katie is Tom's Prisoner. Again. Katie went to New York for four days to rehearse for her new play, All My Sons, and she never went anywhere but the hotel and the theater. She looked annoyed at a party, according to an "insider" and it's because she feels suffocated. Is John Mayer ready to be a dad? Life & Style ponders. Jen started talking about a friend's fertility treatment over dinner and John "swiftly" changed the subject. "This spinach is awesome…It's very garlicky," Mayer reportedly said. Heh. Maybe that's why Jennifer Aniston has been feuding with He's Just Not That Into You co-star, Jennifer Connelly. The cast of the film, which includes Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin, got together for a Marie Claire photoshoot, and Aniston threatened to pull out if Connelly was included. Janet Jackson looks to be "up 20 pounds" since October, and she needs to lose weight before her Rock Wichu tour in September. She plans to eat healthier and exercise more and blah blah blah.

Grade: F- (heatstroke)

Us
"Inside Beyoncé's Wedding!" As you know by now, the ceremony was held at Jay-Z's $8 million Tribeca apartment. There were 60,000 white orchids flown in from Thaliand. The first dance was to Earth Wind & Fire's "September." There was a cake that was about 5 foot 8 inches tall. The couple can't honeymoon yet because they're so busy, but Beyoncé's mom, Tina Knowles, says, "Hopefully Beyoncé will be starting a family soon." Also inside: A "Celeb Baby Bump Countdown" to the pregnant ladies' due dates: Jodie Sweetin is due April 6! Nicole Kidman is due in July! Tom Brady and Gisele went to L.A. to see Tom's baby boy — and a nanny did the hand-off, because Bridget Moynahan is still not speaking to Tom. Brad Pitt was carded while buying beer in Texas; the cashier didn't know who he was. Jamie Lynn Spears spent her birthday without her parents and her brother Bryan, because they were in L.A. eating dinner with Britney. But JLS did go to Ruby Tuesday with her fiancé and then to a party (the mag says, "picture pick-up trucks and dirt road.") Lastly, Michelle Obama and Bill Clinton write letters to Us readers in "Spouse Debate 2008."
Grade: D- (kidney infection)

Life & Style
"How J. Lo Lost 40 Lbs." First of all, haven't they heard that Jennifer hates being called J. Lo? Second of all, one way to lose 40 lbs. is to have twins. Anyway: She exercises for up to 75 minutes 2 to 4 times a week, takes care of the twins, and eats egg whites for breakfast. Her secret weapon? Yummie Tummie tanks, which are like Spanx for your stomach. Moving on: Katie Holmes is having an identity crisis. She has body issues and wants to be more than just a mom. Her movie flopped at the box office and she has very few friends. Britney's father Jamie has arranged a meeting between Brit and Justin Timberlake at a family barbecue over the summer. The idea is to have her talk to someone from a positive time in her past. Meanwhile, Brit's son Jayden goes to a play gym for kids and does gymnastics and tumbling. A source says he's a "natural athlete." Courteney Cox and David Arquette are planning on adopting a kid. Lastly: Ashton Kutcher is starring in a movie with a pretty actress named Margarita Levieva — should Demi be worried? Off-camera and between takes, Margarita is playful with Ashton — she once even removed an eyelash from his cheek and he blew it off her finger.
Grade: D+ (urinary tract infection)

In Touch
"Britney Relapses." The story inside opens very dramatically: Doctors arrive at Brit's house for a scheduled visit and find her listless on the couch. They ask what's wrong; Britney replies that she's taken "a lot" of Xanax. Further inspection reveals she's only taken the correct dosage of 2 pills. They ask why she lied, she claims she's bored. Sources say she's also been picking at the scabs her scalp and claiming to have had sex with one of her bodyguards, but the sex part doesn't appear to be true. (The scalp scabs, unfortunately, are.) Moving on: Madonna's arms are more ripped and veiny than her husband's. Bobby Brown's autobiography will be awesome: In addition to saying "I had never used cocaine until after I met Whitney," he says, "I'm going into everything — from the bullets that were shot at me in Boston to the priest that tried to molest me." Jay-Z and Beyoncé may be married, but they are planning another more elaborate celebration in the South of France in May. Also: Nicole Richie and Joel Madden set up webcam dates while he's tour so he can keep up with Nicole and the baby. "Joel didn't want to miss a day of Harlow's life," a source spills. Jamie Lynn Spears is being reckless with her unborn baby! She's been off-roading in an ATV, lifting heavy bags of dog food into her car and going hunting with Casey. A pregnant teenager with a loaded shotgun is just so American.The List this week is single guys "Looking for Love" : Adrien Grenier; Josh Hartnett; Ryan Gosling and at number one, John Mayer.
Grade: C- (eye infection)

OK!
"More Than Just Friends." A source says that when Jennifer Aniston and Orlando Bloom saw each other at a party recently, "they were like heatseeking missiles." Jen and Orly met when Jen was married to Brad and he was working on Troy, so there's some history there. Plus, there's a picture from the Cannes red carpet in 2004 where Jen is holding Brad's arm but beaming at Orlando. But at the end of this story there is a little pink box reminding you that Orlando is actually dating Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr. Moving on: Britney might be designing for fugly cluttered t-shirt maker Christian Audigier. There's a random picture of Mariah Carey wearing a Hello Kitty band aid. Plus: A game called "Bad Dress Or Bump?" (Fig. 1) means that everyone MUST wear skintight clothing, otherwise they'll be considered pregnant. Beyoncé and Jay-Z are into the number 4: B was born on September 4; Jay was born on December 4; they were married on 4/4 — to honor the memory of Martin Luther King Jr, who was assassinated that day in 1968. A story called "Six Weeks Til Summer" instructs: 1) Book a bikini wax 2) Lose the winter weight 3) Get a beach body. Uh, thanks. A "Jungle Fever" beauty page includes a picture of Rihanna. Yeah, she's wearing leopard print, but WTF. (Fig 2) Lastly, on a picture of Gisele wearing shorts with the ass cheeks cut out, the caption reads, "The Job You Want: Gisele's Butt Flosser." (Fig. 3) Are they hiring writers from Maxim?
Grade: C (ear infection)

Star
"Body After Baby!" Six pages of ladies who have lost weight after giving birth, followed b 2 pages of "Best Baby Bumps." What makes a bump the best??? Also inside: An audience member experience heart problems while she danced during Ellen DeGeneres's show and is threatening to sue. Did Lindsay Lohan tie the knot with Samantha Ronson? A source says they exchanged vows in early March at LL's home in L.A. Sam has a ring that says LL and LL has a ring that says SR. Plus, Lindsay refers to Sam as "my husband." Nicole Richie's 9-year-old little sister Sophia is going to be Harlow's godmother. Sweet! Blind item: "A very famous vertically challenged actor was so tipsy after dinner at L.A.'s Madeo on March 28 that he and his also intoxicated wife flipped a coin to decide who would drive home. She drove." Drew Barrymore's dog Flossie is taking an FDA-approved diet pill called Slentrol. Nick Lachey went to Scottsdale AZ with NFL star Matt Leinart and went wild. He went hottubbing with a bunch of girls, he took a blonde into a nightclub restroom while his bodyguard stood outside. Don't tell his girlfriend! A dying girl got a makeover from Jessica Alba and says, "Jessica's my guardian angel." Britney has been telling Kevin Federline that she loves him — and seems to mean it. Lastly: Courtney Love's blog reads: "I shoot straight from the hip and spellcheck has NOTHING to do with REALITY."
Grade: C (sinus infection)

Fig. 1

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Fig. 3

First, it must be acknowledged that Clooney is a smart man. He's not a grown-up version of Ashton Kutcher, an airheaded frat boy pulling practical jokes that a team of writers dreamed up. Clooney may be a frat boy type and a practical joker, but he knows exactly what he's doing. He has a very solid reason for every career-related move that he makes; look at the crafty, political way he chooses his movies. Except that new one about the old-timey football thing—who knows what that's all about.

The point is, Clooney sees the big picture. Recall his response to the original unveiling of the "Gawker Stalker" map. While lots of celebrities moaned about the intrusion into their privacy and imagined ridiculous implications for their personal safety, Clooney actually had a plan: he told a bunch of entertainment publicists to flood the site with false tips, thereby rendering it useless. It turned out that the Stalker maps are hardly a threat to anyone, and the flood of outrageous fake tips that Clooney inspired eventually disappeared. But he did prove that he was thinking about how to fight back against the celebrity-industrial complex, and even came up with an effective strategy—more than you can say for Brad Pitt, whose decision to fire his publicist will (prediction!) fail to magically allow him to disappear from the eyes of the media.

The problem is that Clooney is a CORNERSTONE of that very same complex. A man who ambitiously rose from a bit part of "The Facts Of Life" to a place in the pantheon of outrageously famous movie stars is hardly a credible spokesman for the cause of anti-publicity. On top of that, the press that Clooney gets is, by celebrity standards, pretty positive. It's impossible to argue that the very same paparazzi and tabloid media that he deplores have not, on balance, been a boon to his career.

And look at it from the poor, poor entertainment reporter's perspective: without some effort at critical coverage, they are bound to feel like nothing more than tools of the equally powerful movie marketing machine. Sure, staking out every nightclub, restaurant, and dwelling place of a celebrity is not really hard-hitting, or even socially redeeming, reporting. But Clooney, whose father was himself a newsman, should understand that it's all part of the package of being a star—a deal that he surely enjoys.

The actor would doubtless say that he supports real journalism, which is all well and good. So do we! But Americans have an unfortunate taste for the minutiae of the lives of their big screen heroes. So perhaps some sort of bargain can be struck. The tabloids can promise to take Clooney's earnest projects seriously, and in return, he can throw them a bone by accepting that his social life will always appear in the gossip pages and on the blogs, until he chooses to retire into obscurity. Besides, even if he were to enlist each and every one of his celebrity friends in his cause of punking the media, it would never work—that story in and of itself would be covered to death, resulting in a level of scrutiny that's equal to the one that the Hollywood types already receive.

So let's all just get along, in the words of famous celebrity Rodney King. Except, of course, for those pranks on the paparazzi. Go right ahead with that. Nobody can stand those guys, anyhow.

A source, who overheard the rant, said Lindsay was screaming: I can't believe you would ever f***ing do this to me, I should have listened to everyone. I should never have f***ing trusted you."

The Mean Girl continued: "It's everywhere now, all over the net, everyone's seen it, how f***ing could you?"

Alas, as we now know, he would have if he could have. Really though, with our scandal-starved eyes scanning even for the secrets of Gossip Girl/NSYNC alum bromance, we must now leave this mess behind us until the next pixelated, would-be-starlet blow job compels a more robust visitation of the evidence. Or until later this morning, whichever comes first.

• Lohan rant over Best sex tape [The Sun]

Life & Style
"Where's Suri?" Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' daughter is missing! Not really. Suri has been taking dance classes and going to playgroups at the Scientology Center. Shocking. Also inside: Brad and Angelina try to be normal, but they can't! Because they do extraordinary things like fly planes, ride motorcycles and hang with Bill Clinton. Sigh. Lindsay Lohan refused to walk the red carpet at an event because Paris Hilton's name was on the backdrop. Is Madonna having a mid-life crisis? She flirts with younger men and admitted to taking ecstasy once. Whatev. In an interview with Sarah Jessica Parker, she says she loves sex scenes: "Bring me the next fabulously attractive man!"
Grade: D- (Egg & spoon race)

OK!
"Jen's Magic Diet... That Works!" Listen, we did not read the entire four page story about Jennifer Aniston's body because it's extremely hard to care, but: She does yoga, she meditates, she learns to accept herself, etc. And she takes care of her hair, because it used to be "Too dark, too long, too fuzzy, too kinky." Also inside: Vanessa Williams has a beauty tip for acne: Morning urine on the face. "I did it — I tried to do it and then I was like, I'm not doing it." She used ProActiv instead. Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani could be working on a love duet! There's four pages of women who are "Getting Sexier With Age" and they include: Rihanna (???) Scarlett Johansson, Halle Berry and Demi Moore. Katie Holmes is designing for Armani: a line for toddlers for spring 2009, followed by a collection for older children in fall 2009, then a line of handbags in 2010 and maybe women's clothes after. (Except, um, this story has been debunked.) Scary diet trends! Madonna got injections, Katherine Heigl smokes, Mary-Kate Olsen is a caffeine addict, Julianne Moore is "hungry all the time." Carnie Wilson is heavy again at 208 lbs but says she doesn't think of herself as a failure. "I want to lose 45-50 lbs and then try to have a baby," she says. After which she'll probably want to lose. Again. One more C-List star has a weight-loss story: Shar Jackson has lost 20 lbs. "I am 115 lbs. and when people see me and blog about it, they say I'm fat," she says. Sigh.
Grade: D (Sack race)

Us
"How I Was Stabbed In The Back." Lauren Conrad has been constantly betrayed by friends. She poses in a somber photo shoot to prove it! Audrina has been banished to the guest house while Lo is in the main building. Meow! Moving on: Us casts the Spitzer movie: John Malkovich as Eliot Spitzer; Jennifer Aniston as Silda ("No stranger to the trials of infidelity") and Kim Kardashian as Ashley Alexandra Dupre, aka Kristen. There are also pictures of the real Ashley Alexandra Dupre: Did you know she was living in a $4,000 a month studio in Chelsea? Effing real estate.
Grade: D+ (Three-legged race)

In Touch
"It's A Boy... And A Girl!" Brad and Angelina are going to move to France, she loves being pregnant, they used fertility treatments, etc. Stuff you already know. No new news. Moving on. Nicole Kidman's baby bump is still so small because "some people gain weight differently." A friend says to keep the baby healthy, Nicole would "gain 100 lbs. if necessary." El oh el. Plus: Adnan Ghalib's girlfriend Amanda Pagel didn't realize he was sleeping with Britney Spears while they were seeing each other. Amanda's texts prompted Britney to throw Adnan's iPhone in the pool. Audrina from The Hills says she doesn't want a boyfriend; she wants to focus on acting. Katie Holmes is stealing Suri's style! They wear similar jackets. Britney Spears kept forgetting her lines on the set of How I Met Your Mother and the shoot which started at 3:30 pm, went until midnight, because of Brit. Hey, candidates look like stars! Hillary Clinton=Ellen DeGeneres, Barack Obama=Denzel Washington (??) and John McCain=Steve Martin. Ugh. Lastly, an "At Home With Mischa Barton" shoot has her awkwardly posed while twirling a floaty frock on a staircase in her house. Glamorous!
Grade: C (Red rover)

Star
"Jen, Kate & Owen: Love Triangle!" When Owen Wilson started shooting a movie in Miami with Jennifer Aniston, it didn't bother Kate Hudson, but then he started telling Kate "how cool and pretty" Jen is and Kate got worried. To help Owen decide which woman to choose, the magazine breaks down their stats on a page (Fig. 1) called "How They Measure Up." Classy! Also inside: Did Ali Lohan have her lips plumped? (Fig. 2) Keep in mind that she is 14 years old. Sean Penn wants Robin Wright back! A source says "He calls her at all hours of the night to ask for her forgiveness, but she hangs up on him." Lauren Conrad and Entourage star Kevin Connolly: It's on! "They have not made a commitment or gone public with their relationship but often meet up for late-night booty calls," says a source. Matt Lauer's wife has stopped wearing her wedding ring and a friend says, "He's married to NBC." Nicole Richie's dog peed on a $1,000 dress in a chi-chi boutique! And there's a picture! Nicole bought the dress, and had it dry cleaned, of course. Plus: Lindsay Lohan is in a lesbian tug-of-war! LL's ex-"roommate" Courtenay Semel is pissed that Lindz is with Sam Ronson. Lindsay's been wearing a diamond ring with the initials SR. Sam is "100% in love with her," says a source. A pal claims Courtenay is "steaming mad that Lindsay has gone back" to Sam. Ooh, Dancing With The Stars drama: Cheryl Burke and Drew Lachey had an affair! Her boyfriend, Matthew Lawrence (Joey's brother), caught them having oral sex backstage in a dressing room. Drew is married and has a 2 year old daughter. Scandalous! Ooh-la-la, the pictures of Angie and Brad's ivy-covered "French Dream Home" look soooo nice. Six bedrooms and a pool! Halle Berry's baby daddy might actually move in with her. He's closed his NYC restaurant and will move to L.A. to be an actor. "He will do a soap opera if he has to," a source spills.
Grade: C+ (Duck duck goose)

Fig. 1



Fig. 2

Us
"How A Makeover Changed My Life." Ashlee says, "I used to look at a beautiful girl on the cover of a magazine and think I could never be that." She battled an eating disorder when she was 11 and "contended" with baby fat until she was 21. But Ash is confident now, because she's had a nose job. Awesome. Also inside: There's a rumor that Kevin Federline will play the hunky UPS guy in Legally Blonde on Broadway. Bend and snap. Brad and Angelina were considering moving to France but Brad couldn't put a motorcycle track on the 5 acres of land behind the house they had their eye on. Lastly, a random quote: Dita Von Teese says, "I have always found the artificial to be very beautiful."
Grade: D- (Ashlee Simpson singing)

OK!
"At Home With Britney." Four pages of pictures of Britney's house! By the same photographer who shot Brit and her boys. Leather sofas, warm colors, dark wood, traditional touches. Classy! Britney is heavier now because she is eating three square meals a day — prepared by her chef dad in her "state-of-the-art" kitchen. But March 5, she apparently sent a text message to a friend that read, "I'm so bored. I hate my life." In her downtime, Britney is obsessed with cleaning. And! She has a shrine to first love Justin Timberlake in her home. Also inside: Jennifer Aniston wants a baby daddy and her options are Owen Wilson or key grip Brian Bouma, whom she met on set in Vancouver. Rumor: Johnny Depp might be the face of Trojan condoms. But it's just a rumor, say the Trojan people. Lastly: At a club in L.A., Posh Spice was overheard saying, "I'm drunk... Again."
Grade: D (Ashlee Simpson acting)

Life & Style
"Angelina Trashes Jen." Intern Sharon only read part of this story because, in her words, "Who gives a fuck." But Angelina's brother James Haven says Angelina didn't go to that pre-Oscar party where Jen was sure to be because she didn't want to offend Jen. But a psychologist who doesn't treat anyone involved claims that Angie's comments put Jen in the role of the victim and are disingenuous, blah, blah, blah. Moving on: Tallulah Willis says of Ashton Kutcher: "I find it weird that people think my stepdad is hot." The Spears family is going broke? Lynne went into a jewelry store but she wasn't there to buy; the mag insinuates that she needed to sell some diamonds. A Brit paper predicts Britney could out of money by the time she is 30. Meanwhile, Jamie Lynn doesn't get her Nickelodeon TV show money because it sits in a trust fund until she turns 18. Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have hired a wedding planner and might get married at Lionel Richie's mansion — Lionel will sing! Lindsay Lohan won't be in mom Dina's reality show and doesn't know much about it. When she went to entertain the troops in Kuwait, Jessica Simpson brought a copy of her movie, Major Movie Star and the soldiers loved watching her go through boot camp. Ashlee Simpson has new tattoos, has been "partying too much" and drinks vodka and Johnny Walker Black. Lastly: Javier Bardem used to be a stripper? In Spain? But when his boss wanted him to perform nude, he quit.
Grade: D+ (Ashlee Simpson lipsyncing)

In Touch
"Baby Joy!" Impending fatherhood has made Matthew McConaughey quit drinking and buy a house, even though he used to say he'd always live in his trailer. He loves his baby mama because he finally met a girl to go hiking with who doesn't mind not showering for a week. Also inside: On a photo of Ali and Lindsay Lohan (Fig. 1), the copy reads "Which sister is older again?" Oh, snap! Angelina Jolie believes Brad Pitt saved her life, because he rescued her from "a life of manic breakdowns, meaningless sex and self-destructive behavior." And that's why she'll marry him. Or so says the mag. Now that she's living with her dad, Britney is "calmer and more upbeat," says a source. "Britney never had a normal childhood, and now she does. She has a curfew, an allowance and her father tells her who she can and can't see." Camera engineer Brian Bouma visited Jen Aniston in L.A. for ten days. She really likes him but she is "still pessimistic about love," says a source. Don't tell Paula Abdul, but her live-in love JT Torregiani was seen diamond-shopping and might pop the question! Plus: Lindsay Lohan has squandered her $15 million fortune on rehab, clothes, vacations and bodyguards. The magazine estimates some of her expenses: Drinks, $10K a night; hotels, $1 million a year; beauty/makeup artists/tanning, $1 million ($70,000 on tanning alone!). Lastly: "The List" this week is "Hollywood's Most Unlikely Studs" is all the icky fugly guys who somehow end up getting laid: Cisco Adler, Zach Braff, Marilyn Manson, Travis Barker... David Spade is No. 1.
Grade: C (Ashlee Simpson dancing)

Star
"Stars Without Makeup!" Young'uns Ashley Tisdale, Miley Cyrus, and Rachel Bilson look basically the same — or better — without makeup. Katherine Heigl, Katie Holmes and Jessica Biel are victims of unflattering photographs. Jennifer Love Hewitt has great skin and looks like she's 18, period. Moving on. Britney may or may not be carrying Adnan Ghalib's baby, but they did go out March 8. Rumer, Scout and Tallulah Willis are all in "adolescent hell." Demi Moore and Bruce Willis are dealing with three teenage daughters and that means "raging emotions, rebellious attitudes and boys, boys boys." It's sexist but kinda funny. Even though she is 19, Rumer's out at clubs every night, uh-oh! Blind item! "Which fair-haired actor, who has been battling personal demons, was seen stumbling out of a swank Miami hot spot last weekend?" Jennifer Lopez is a Momzilla! She hired a color consultant, who told her to decorate the babies' rooms in aquamarine, because it's soothing and intellectually stimulating. Also, the twins' cribs are studded with diamonds, rubies and sapphires. Baby bling! Miley Cyrus' family tree has some scandalous branches: Her mom, Tish, was a groupie and got knocked up by a drummer when she was 19; Miley's half-sister Brandi, 20, plays guitar in Miley's backing band. As for Billy Ray, he got a waitress pregnant in 1991. Nicole and Joel have purchased a NYC apartment on Bowery and Spring. Also, Nicole is hoping Paris' relationship with Joel's brother Benji goes down the toilet; "she wants to get on with her life without Paris," a source spills. George Clooney will marry girlfriend Sarah Larson at his villa on Lake Como in Italy this summer. Lisa Marie Presley says: "I'm not fat, I'm pregnant." And it's twins! And she's five foot three, so she's huge right now. Plus: Ashlee Simpson is out of control. She's what we call a drunkorexic: Wasted all the time and not eating much. People say Pete Wentz is a bad influence. Side by side pix of her in 2004 and now show she used to be much cuter (Fig. 2).
Grade: C+ (Ashlee Simpson in a photograph from 2004)

Fig. 1:



Fig. 2:

OK!
"Britney's Shocking Decision: Trying To Get Pregnant" Brit thinks having Adnan's baby will show the court, her sister and the world that she doesn't need them. She's considering converting to Islam. (Actually, if she moved to Riyadh and wore a burka, she might actually find peace.) Also inside: Amanda Bynes and Chloe Sevigny in the same Narciso Rodriguez dress? Seriously? And 100 New Yorkers think Amanda looks better? When she was seven, Angelina was a brat and threatened a classmate who didn't invite her to a birthday party. Yawn. At her New Year's Eve party in Colorado, Katie Holmes dressed guests in Ralph Lauren outfits that she personally put together. And when TomKat move into their new house, the staff will be dressed in Gap, Banana Republic and Polo. Vive Le Preppy!
Grade: D- (smallpox)


Us
"How I Got My Body Back" Someone named Trista has diet advice for y'all: "There is absolutely no reason to eat fried food," she says. She's relieved to put on a bikini again five months after giving birth. Also inside: In a reader poll, Do you miss Elisabeth Hasselbeck? 70% said "No." (Too bad, she's back already!) Audrina Patridge has a new dude! His name is Bernard Steimann and is "hideous," according to Maria. "JustinBobby was so gorgeous." Anywhoozle, Bernard is LC-approved. Oooh, exclusive interview with Alli Sims. Britney's cousin by marriage says "She's not crazy." Alli also says "When we go out guys don't even come up to our table. Seriously." Alli also says, "I don't think Adnan is a good person. I think he only has bad intentions." Damn straight!
Grade: D (tuberculosis)


Life & Style
"The Only Way I'll Marry Spencer": Heidi Montag says of Spencer Pratt: "I feel like I'm dating a preschooler sometimes. It's always play time with him." An insider says, "He's always looking for ways to make money but never actually working." Oh, and the couple is planning to go to Africa with the United Nations. Haven't the people of Africa suffered enough??? Also inside: Angelina is trying to get pregnant; she's been eating a lot of fatty foods to gain weight and even had — dun dun dun — McDonald's! (Trista would not approve!) Is Jessica Simpson's dad ruining her love life again? He meddled when she was with Nick Lachey and John Mayer, and he's doing it again with Tony Romo.
Grade: D+ (hepatitis C)


In Touch
"Pregnancy News": Apparently, since she was seen drinking water at an event and people think her boobs look bigger, Angelina is pregnant. Cuz, you know, there's no reason to drink water unless you're knocked up! Other people who may or may not be pregnant include Gwen Stefani, Avril Lavigne and Pamela Anderson. And you! Also inside: Britney's suicide note has a poem about death and says she is sorry for never making her life what everyone else wanted. Katie Holmes is too skinny and "her clavicles could poke your eyes out," says a random doctor. The mag claims she is 5'9" and 110lbs and starting to look like Posh. Burn! Lindsay had dinner at the Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel with Adrian Grenier and it was "definitely a date," says a source. She made the reservation! Lauren Conrad bought a house in Hollywood but might keep Audrina as a roommate: "I would never live alone in a house by myself," she says. "It's so scary! I don't even think my parents would let me." There's a page of wall-to-wall photos of the many many instances in which Lindsay has been photographed wearing leggings, hilarious. "The List" this week is "Top Ten Plastic Surgery Nightmares" including Tara Reid's stomach, Kathy Griffin's near-death lipo, and Kanye West's mom, RIP.
Grade: C (malaria)


Star
"Kevin's $10 million Tell All!" Kevin Federline might write a book about his life with Britney Spears. A random publisher in San Francisco says a book like that could get $10 mil. Kevin's "been writing things down for a long time about his tempestuous time with Britney," says a source. Apparently Britney would call Kevin in a panic claiming a stranger was in the house or that she'd broken her leg. Kevin would rush over and she would act like nothing had happened. Also, there are 15 surveillance cameras in Britney's house and the footage could show stuff like Britney flying into a rage and whacking Kevin with a frying pan. Please let the nonexistent book be published! Also inside: Lindsay Lohan is hooking up with Luke Walton, a player for the Lakers — a witness says they went out and she asked him to stay over. Score! American Idol finalist Trenyce is seeing R. Kelly! They were "affectionate" with each other at Roscoe's House of Chicken & Waffles. Sarah Jessica Parker's son James might be in the Sex And The City movie: He's in a scene in Central Park, but it's so short it may get cut. Audrina Patridge of The Hills did a skanky photo shoot for Unico Exotic Wear in 2005 and Star has the pix! She's wearing a three-inch Catholic school girl skirt in one image. Nicole Richie's baby delivery wasn't completely smooth: After her water broke she begged for an epidural; then the baby was blue when it first came out. Everything turned out fine now; she's just exhausted and "cries at the drop of a hat." Meanwhile Christina Aguilera pushed for 24 hours — while wearing red lipstick — before docs did a C-section. Soon-to-be-divorced Pamela Anderson isn't doing well: She "walks around like a zombie..." then "breaks down and cries," says a source. So this morning Page Six reported that Britney and Adnan were in a dressing room at Betsey Johnson for 45 minutes making "weird noises," which sounds like hanky-panky. But a shopper tells Star that Britney was in there "crying loudly." Sigh. Justin Timberlake and Kate Hudson were seen making out in Hollywood club Villa. Scandalous! Jessica Biel is in London filming a movie: When the cat's away... Eva Longoria and Tony Parker were at a party when someone said something about oral sex. Tony said, "What's the difference? A mouth is a mouth." Then Eva hit him.
Grade: B- (chickenpox)