After leaking details of the rich and interwoven themes he planned for the fifth installment of the Rambo cycle, auteur Sylvester Stallone was dismayed to pick up his internet and find Harry Knowles' Aintitcool readers comparing the planned film to of all things Universal Soldier. And unfavorably! And somehow getting it into their brains that Jonathan Rambo would fight robot soldiers in this latest installment.

But it got so bad that Stallone himself was forced to call the nerd king and leave a message roughly stating: You pathetic ignoramus. Forgive me for thinking you and your legions of imbeciles could grasp the complexity of my planned meta-text about the meaning of violence, and how within physical expressions of interior alienation, the signifier folds back upon the signified, forming an eternally comingled metaphor for destruction's interdependency. Somehow, I thought that was clear enough to everyone, but I suppose I'll have to hold your hand through every inch of this journey.

If you want to listen to the voicemail yoursel, Knowles has posted it on his site. Some excepts:

I appreciate you posting that but I think there's been one slight confusion because of all the talk back, I think the majority of these individuals misunderstood. It's not Universal Soldier; it's not me fighting some super solider. It's actually a feral beast. It's a thing. It's this amalgamation of fury and intelligence. And pure unadulterated rage. It's before men became human. This is when they were still inhuman, and so what he confronts is something that is one's virtual nightmare but in no sense of the world does he go against quote a Dolph Lundgren or Claude Van Damme, a Universal super soldier. He's going against a feral beast.

That's what makes it uniquely different. It's like man conscious fighting this dark, dangerous, uncontrollable subconscious.

I wish somehow you could take this message and give it to people that what they assume is Stallone or Rambo battling a squad of super-soldiers is just the opposite. It's your worst nightmare. You're battling your primitive self, which has a lot more cunning and power than you can ever imagine.

Ain't It Cool News broke the stunning casting revelation this afternoon, noting few details besides Schwarzenegger's commitment to a one-day shoot and that "it seems that the Gov and Sly's character Barney Ross have some history back when the Gov was shooting Conan the Barbarian!" (Harry Knowles's exclamation point, not ours.) Add this to our already-robust interest in seeing the film, along with the governor's inevitable Charlie Rose appearance thanking Stallone for inviting him back in front of the camera at a time when only his dogs trusted him.

• 
  AICN Exclusive: Arnold Schwarzeneggar [sic] joins the cast of 'THE EXPENDABLES'!
  [AICN]

Celebrating with the action star is Danny DeVito (pictured with a glass of his signature limoncello), and, for some reason, Charlie Sheen, who ordered the restaurant's signature appetizer of fried mozzarella, "Only could I sub the mozzarella with that waitress with the big tits?" [Eater LA]

Tattoos aside, 62-year-old Stallone's human growth hormone-aided physique hasn't changed that much from that which took a merciless heavyweight pummeling three years ago in Rocky Balboa or punched enemy heads from their pencil necks last year in Rambo. But while we long ago gave up any hope of a less chemically cut Stallone setting an example for younger moviegoers, we're most worried now about the imminent influence on his more organically athletic Expendables co-star Jason Statham. Or, more dangerous yet, the Adonis that is Forest Whitaker; he's worked on that body way too hard for way too long to throw it all away on an old man's whim.

• 
  Stallone... 62... Cut From Granite, Inked & Ready For 'THE EXPENDABLES'!
  [AICN]

Actually, don't answer that. Even with born-again genre slut Sir Ben Kingsley rumored to have an eye on the project, it's not necessarily unfair to calculate the sum of these parts as "clusterfuck": Guided by Stallone both in front of and behind the camera, a gang of mercenaries heads off to South America to take down a ruthless dictator. But perhaps its the optimism of a new year or, more rationally, the concept of a Gran Torino-esque valedictory with half the syllables and twice the bullets that has us intrigued at the possibilities here. To wit:

· Score One: The Second Coming of Mickey Rourke owes itself in part to Stallone's faith in him a decade ago, when he recommended Rourke for a minor role in the remake of Get Carter. Their brooding, mangle-faced chemistry was about the only thing that clicked while the film imploded around them. We wanted more, and we'll get it.

· Score Two: One of our New Year's resolutions is to explain why Statham may be the greatest actor working today — with the exception of War, his misbegotten action showcase with Li, who requires some atonement of his own. The Expendables offers a nurturing environment for that to occur. Or it will affirm a Statham/Li curse, which will at least save Flopz™-grade genre-flick mills the trouble of bothering again in the future. Win-win.

· Score Three: A Stallone/Lundgren reunion bespeaks more than inspired stunt-casting, but also the prospect for unprecedented levels of bonding between fathers nostalgic for Rocky IV and sons who'll attend anything with them as long as they can drive the car.

· Score Four: Unless you count Denzel Washington (we don't) and his Where the Wild Things Are voice work for Spike Jonze, Forest Whitaker hasn't worked with a real director since Kevin Macdonald shepherded him to an Oscar in 2006. He may not fully reclaim his edge, but if he can just anchor a group like this, we'll take it.

· Score Five: It's not Rambo V.

• Mickey Rourke joins 'Expendables' [Variety]

According to Page Six, the North Beverly Park Homeowners Association (including Jackson and Magic Johnson, among others) is outraged that the South Beverly Park HOA (representing Washington, Stallone, Eddie Murphy and even Sumner Redstone) has denied it members use of an entry gate on Mulholland Drive — "forcing the south dwellers' nannies, workmen and relatives to drive seven miles around to the south gate."

Naturally, this effrontery cannot stand; the dueling associations are presently squaring off in court, with the exasperated judge urging reconciliation while the North group's lawyer complained that the smaller, Oscar-challenged HOA to the south should pay for the right to use the gate. Meanwhile, we hear Sharon Waxman is set to report that Denzel's side rejected their neighbors' offer via secret ballot in a high-powered, super-classified dinner at Redstone's joint. Nikki Finke naturally will protest those findings, confirming instead that Sam Jackson's nanny was, in fact, spotted entering the community on Mulholland.

Such drama! Please let us know if your own Beverly Park detours persist; we're determined to mediate a speedy resolution any way we can.

• Civil War in H'Wood [NYP]

No sooner did we ask ourselves that question than the answer roared forth from the stolid depths of his oeuvre. After the jump, find five primary clips that affirm Stallone's immortality — for all the wrong reasons.

1. Staying Alive (1983): Stallone had steered the Rocky franchise to a Best Picture Oscar and about $300 million in box office by 1983, was atop Hollywood and ready for a new challenge. For whatever reason, he chose the misbegotten sequel to Saturday Night Fever to not only direct but also write, tone-deafly overshooting the demand to see Tony Manero jazz-dance his way to Broadway stardom. Still, conceptually and technically flawed as it is, not even Cynthia Rhodes's worst, longest ballad outmatches the egregious, "remember who's in charge here" tackiness of Stallone's cameo early on (see above). You, sir, get a Liftetime Achievement Award in Fuck Off.

2. Rhinestone (1984): Stallone sings. We'd say we appreciate him taking a chance outside his comfort zone, but really, we just don't. Neither should you.

3. Oscar (1991): After Rhinestone, Stallone waited seven years to return to comedy. His touch was no less abrasive despite direction by John Landis and co-stars like Kirk Douglas and, in this scene, the peerless (and peerlessly wasted) Tim Curry. It should have been a sign; alas, he would transgress even more garishly a year later with...

4. Stop or My Mom Will Shoot (1992): In the slushy gastric swamp of Really Deplorable Ideas, this indigestible nuggest signaled Stallone's point of no return — a tough benchmark to gauge considering Rhinestone and Rocky V are in here, too. But consider the evidence provided by...

5. Demolition Man (1993): For a period in the '90s, it became unfashionable to feature Stallone's slurry baritone in the promotion of his films. Demolition Man piled on the added ignominy of locking him bare-ass naked in some Cryogenic Grimace Machine until he could face down Wesley Snipes. The franchise that wasn't, and thank God.

The 61-year-old "Rocky" legend will soon become the first well-known American actor to star in a Bollywood film.

"Incredible Love," which is also set to feature Arnold Schwarzenegger, marks the first Indian production to be shot at Hollywood's Universal Studios and will have the largest budget of any Bollywood movie - over $21 million. It will co-star Bollywood stars Ashkay Kumar and Kareena Kapoor and tell the story of an Indian stuntman who takes Hollywood by storm, but can't find true love.

The production is a departure for both '80s action titans, who we hope will make the most of their debuts not playing some ham-fisted send-up of their own personas, but rather colorful, Bollywoodesque characters integral to the plot: Perhaps they could be shrunk to the size of field mice, and play tiny, multi-limbed agent-gods, forever bickering in their client's ear about the most effective way to woo a beautiful stuntprincess. Here's hoping this marks just the beginning of the Holly-Bolly cultural exchange, and that some local Indian dayplayer might soon find himself nobly gutted by Stallone's own first on a Bangalore soundstage, where production on Rocky Vs. Rambo: First Reckoning has just begun.

• Yo, Adrian! Sylvester Stallone's going Bollywood with 'Incredible Love' [NY Daily News]

Sylvester: The way I see it, these characters don't even belong to us anymore. You're just the physical conduit through which these stories need to be told.
Eddie: But does the world really need me sticking more bananas up tailpipes?
Sylvester: Fuck the world!
Steven: Look, Eddie. Don't overthink it. Just make sure the script is in great sha—JESUS CHRIST! Who does a two-time Oscar-winning director have to blow to get a charge called around here?

[Photo Credit: AFP/Getty Images]

• Previously: Seven Reasons Why 'Beverly Hills Cop 4' is a Better Idea Than it Sounds [Defamer]

· In a reversal of the recent trend sweeping Hollywood's nontelevised awards shows, the Coen Brothers were able to take home the PGA's top honor for No Country for Old Men without any unfortunate heckling incidents. [Variety]
· AFTRA wants to sneak in and negotiate before SAG, telling the studios that they're ready to talk in March. [Variety]
· Universal finally selects Pushing Daisies' Anna Friel as Will Ferrell's Land of the Lost romantic interest, setting up the love triangle between the actress, Ferrell's "disgraced paleontologist," and the surprisingly seductive Chaka. [THR]

These incredibly brave people have found, kind of a voice, in a very odd way, in American cinema... They've actually used some of the film's quotes as rallying points," Stallone, 61, said in a telephone interview.

"That, to me, is the one of the proudest moments I've ever had in film."

Residents in Yangon told Reuters this week that police had given strict orders to DVD hawkers to not stock the movie — named simply "Rambo". Locals said fans had "gone crazy" over lines in the hero's brusque dialog such as: "Live for nothing. Die for something."

Heartened that his Burmese target audience had adopted that stirring rallying cry over Rambo's ambivalent, but equally as catchy, "Fuck the world!" dismissal of his heroic mission in the film's first act, Stallone has offered to travel to the region and confront the junta personally:

"I'm only hoping that the Burmese military, because they take such incredible offence to this, would call it lies and scurrilous propaganda. Why don't you invite me over?" he said.

"Let me take a tour of your country without someone pointing a gun at my head and we'll show you where all the bodies are buried... Or let's go debate in Washington in front of a congressional hearing... But I doubt that's going to happen."

Even though it's unlikely that officials from the country will take him up on his Congressional challenge, Stallone should have further opportunities to champion the cause; expect him to accept the invitation of some Myanmar ex-pats to host another protest screening in Singapore like the one that took place on Sunday, where the star can distribute official Rambo "Live for Nothing, Die for Something" t-shirts to replace the homemade "We pursue peace, justice and democracy for Burma" garments that less stirringly communicate the heart of their struggle.

• INTERVIEW-Stallone challenges Myanmar junta, eyes "Rambo 5" [Reuters]
• Myanmar expats raise Rambo battle-cry in Singapore [Reuters]

"Blowing heads off and slicing abdomens is man's work...the movie does have its own kind of blockheaded poetry," says a quote we've shamelessly strung together from two disconnected paragraphs by the NY Times' A.O. Scott in an attempt to pump up the head-exploding, critical-outrage action of this round-up. It should go without saying that these reviews have only served to make us more excited for our Rambo outing this weekend, with our moviegoing plans now expanded to include our shirtless, bandoliered attendance at all five of the ArcLight's Saturday screenings, brandishing the (inoperable—come on, we're not crazy) rocket-launcher we plan to pick up at Supply Sergeant before we head over to the theater.

• Rambo [Rotten Tomatoes]
• Previously: New 'Rambo' Promises The Franchise's Most Impressive Body Count To Date [Defamer]

"The only thing I injected her with was my fist," he joked. He also claimed Brigitte Nielsen was one of the "least crazy" women he's dated and that saucy redhead Angie Everhart was demented. Stern, who also dated Everhart, said she is "very nice."

Among the other topics of conversation: The Richard Gere gerbil rumor (apparently untrue, with Gere "desperate" to find its source); and a rundown of roles Stallone turned down over the years (Superman, Beverly Hills Cop, Die Hard, and Witness—phew). But it was the parade of unzipped ladies who stole his heart that took up the majority of the interview, with Dickinson in particularly leaving a bas taste in his mouth. Could these same bitter adversaries have ever been tender lovers, spending their nights shaving each other's bodies, slathering one another in cocoa butter, and flexing side-by-side in a floor-length mirror to the blaring music of C+C Music Factory? To listen to them now, it's almost impossible to believe.

• SLY SPOUTS OFF [NY Post]
• Stallone's fury at ex-love Janice Dickinson's steroid claims [Daily Mail]

· Fragile, masochistic thespian Jake Gyllenhaal, seeking out another auteurial taskmaster who might mete out the on-set discipline he so obviously craves, signs on to star in David O. Russell's "risque political thriller" Nailed. Pleasure and pain—sweet, sweet pain—to follow. [THR]
· The networks score big with their final night of pre-strike programming. [Variety]

The trailer for that movie, now streamlined to the far less unwieldy Rambo, will precede screenings of Saw IV. But for those who wish not to subject themselves to yet another 90-minutes of Rube Goldbergesque killing contraptions, we feature it for you here, completely free of charge, save for the part of your cherished childhood that will evaporate watching a hero of your past embark on a desperate hunt for former action-movie glory. That said, those machine guns and cobras do kind of look wicked-cool.

• Rambo [IMDB]
• RAMBO eviscerates all that watches his 1st Official Trailer!!! [AICN]

In today's episode: Sylvester Stallone; Al Pacino; Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, and Rupert Everett; Kevin Bacon; Scarlett Johansson; Alicia Keys, and Rumer Willis; Jennifer Garner; Ellen DeGeneres and Portia Di Rossi; Shia LaBeouf; Timothy Dalton; David Hasselhoff; TR Knight; Ed Begley Jr.; BJ Novak; Joey McIntyre; Brody Jenner; Lance Bass and Sally Struthers.

· On Saturday night, 5-12, on Canon in Beverly Hills, Sylvester Stallone in a light blue sweater and serious mullet, walking like a musclebound zombie with wife and daughters(?). Has reached a point where he seems like a parody of himself.

· Just got back from an early Mother's Day dinner at Madeo that $$$ Italian Restaurant on Beverly. And as we sat there a guy with fluffed up brown hair comes towards me. I just stared thinking, is that Al Pacino? He looked sort of puffy and smooth and I always thought he was kind of craggy. But it was! I just stared wide eyed, impressed but not really since I never really liked him anyway. But it was a bit of a thrill. He sat at the bar with a bald guy. And my mom moved the wine bottles so she could see him. Then as we left I think I saw Brody Jenner. I don't know who he is but he looked/acted rich/famous. Later that night (after the Al Pacino sighting), I got dragged to Here and the Abbey. As we left at 2 am my friend said you just missed the In Sync guy. I said who? He said Lance Bass. We went next door to the Abbey for coffee and I missed him again. But my friend saw him in both places. I saw the back of his head.

· Friday May 4th:

Quadruple sighting at The Tower Bar:

So I'm walking into the Tower Bar for dinner and from around the corner I hear a familiar, soothing, sexy voice. I glance to the right to see Rupert Everett and probably his older gay lover having drinks in the restaurant entrance. Wow is he handsome in person.

Does it count if you saw a semi-recognizable band? I mean, I KNOW them from somewhere....The Shins I think....whoever they were they were smokin' hot.

Last but not least, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. Jerk's walked in like they owned the place. Call me crazy but isn't she some has been who hasn't been in anything for a long time? The only thing that she's famous for lately is robbing the cradle with Kelso. The looked like they were fresh in from doing whatever they do at Kabbalah on a Friday night. He was dressed in all white like Mr. Clean and she was going to a funeral in all black. That is all to report....

· Sunday 5/13, sometime between 6-7pm
Saw Kevin Bacon shopping at the Pavillions on Montana & Lincoln. He looked GOOD, wearing a sweet rocker-style leather jacket. This might be my favorite celeb sighting to date...as it was KEVINFREKIN BACON!!! My parents were in town and my dad was with me, although he doesn't get excited about much. My mom was pretty ticked off that she stayed home though.

· On Friday night at Hyde I was with a few friends and though the club was by no means crowded, among the partygoers were:

A overly done up Scarlett Johansson with fiery red lipstick and a floral print blouse that did absolutely nothing for her cleavage or side-boob (isn't she known for that)? She was with a group of three girls who acted as a phalanx around her, all of whom were LA 6's (if Scarlett is an LA 9).

An incognito Alicia Keys. Wearing a hat; I couldn't even really get a good look at her.

A short haired but very pretty Rumer Willis who, if IMDB is correct, isn't even 19 yet. She must have a great fake ID.

· Jennifer Garner and child, in the front window of the Kitchen Academy at the Arclight on Friday afternoon.

· Sunday Evening, Mother's Day: Ellen DeGeneres and Portia Di Rossi having a quiet dinner alone at an inside corner table at Pace in Laurel Canyon. They looked very much in love with each other.

· I saw Shia LaBeouf at the party at the Wilton Hilton last Saturday (5/5). Kid was rockin' the cheesy slicked-back hair he's been sporting recently, and I think he was wearing a Designs By Thomas T-shirt. It was pretty obvious he was looking to score, but I didn't see if he left with anyone because I was too distracted by the free-flowing tequila.

· Just saw none other than the Hoff at Easton Gym. No, not trying to work off the belly that made his most recent video debut that much more pathetic. He was standing on the balcony yakking on his cellphone. I shared my sighting with the register girl at Victoria's Secret, who said, "I saw him at the grocery store once. None of the younger girls knew who he was. But the older chicks were all trippin'."

Bitch.

· 5/12 Arriving for a Saturday workout at Santa Monica's decidedly unhip Easton Gym, a tall gent faintly resembling David Hasselhoff breezed by me in the small and empty locker room. Pulling up to the lockers, he set his gym bag down and declared in self-pep talk mode, "Alright, let's go!" to no one in particular. Had it been at the West Hollywood branch, such locker room banter could easily have been taken as an invitation for a steam room romp. Nonetheless, it was tough to determine if this was in fact Hasselhoff hiding behind a pair of blatantly European sunglasses that screamed, "look what I picked up in Germany while launching Baywatch: A Hawaiian Wedding." Moving to the stairmasters, gym on-lookers stared, aghast not at the atrophied arms nor because an appearance at Easton was the ultimate sign that his divorce proceedings had hit rock bottom. And no, they were not stunned to see the same man they had just seen on YouTube sucking in his abs while blabbering drunkedly on a Las Vegas hotel room floor. No, they simply appeared unsure that the man whose auburn hair looked like it's been dyed one too many times was in fact Hasselhoff. However, the international recording artist quickly confirmed his presence by breaking out his Motorola Razr and spending most of his workout yammering away to no one of particular interest, including when he moved to the ab mat area where he showed off his clunky early-90s K-Swiss and stretched-tight tube socks look.

· Timothy Dalton (!) coming out of the Cinerama Dome on Sunday after the 1:50 showing of Spiderman 3. He was with a boy of about 10, presumably his son, and looked pretty darn good for 63 (according to IMDB). After taking a look at the line for the parking self-pay machine, he opted to skip it and head for his car. (He made the right choice, too — that stupid machine was possessed.)

· I saw unabashed closet refugee TR Knight at the West Hollywood whole foods on friday afternoon. I heart TR, and TR hearts carbohydrates (he was buying enough cereal to last him through a nuclear winter). Doing something strange with his hair, though. It was a krazy ketchup red. Maybe he and Katherine Heigl have sleepovers where they listen to Ace of Base, play "do dump or marry" and dye their hair with Kool-Aid.

· I saw Ed Begley Jr. eating at Malo on Sunset in Silverlake Saturday night at about 10PM with a few other people. Even sitting down, he looked like he belongs in the NBA.

· Saw Ryan the Temp from The Office (BJ Novak, thanks IMDB) sitting on the patio at Birds last Tuesday (May 8th). He was with two beautiful girls, which I don't understand because he looks like a troll.

Also saw New Kid on the Block Joey McIntyre in baby blue strutting confidently down Larchmont on Sunday just after seven. He was strutting so confidently that it almost took away from the fact that he appeared to be talking to himself. He went into the Rite-Aid or CVS or whatever that is, and I didn't follow him.

· In the middle of the mind numbing crush of humanity that is Ikea in Burbank on a Saturday afternoon (May 12) I spotted Sally Struthers pushing a full cart down the self-service warehouse aisle. She looked bewildered and angry at her decision to enter the madness, but so did I & most everyone else.

In his written apology, Stallone, who was not present in court, said he had made a "terrible mistake" but that he was ignorant of Australian laws.

However John Agius, SC, for the Commonwealth DPP, said the facts of Stallone's case indicated continuing criminal conduct, after 48 vials of human growth hormone were found by customs at Sydney airport.

He also said the US actor tried to "cover up" another offense by throwing four vials of testosterone out of his Sydney hotel window.

Sure, to the jaded eye of a prosecutor, the launching of four tubes of testosterone off a hotel balcony moments before a police search of the premises may have seemed like the behavior of someone aware that his Rocky's-little-helpers were contraband. The suspicious actions took on a far less incriminating tone, however, when the actor's barrister calmly explained that Stallone was merely dispensing some personal memorabilia among the gathered, street-level fans, instantly sending them leaping for the rolling vials of miracle injectables that allow their aging screen hero to inflate himself to less saggy, John Rambo-worthy proportions.

• Stallone sorry for illegal hormones [SMH.com.au]

Hollywood star Sylvester Stallone has provided medical documents to Australia's customs after being charged with importing 48 vials of banned human growth hormone, his lawyer told a Sydney court on Tuesday.

Stallone, who has not yet entered a plea, was not in the Sydney court for the brief hearing. His case was adjourned until May 15 to allow customs to examine Stallone's medical material, which was not revealed in court.

Stallone's lawyer, John Chicken, said the matter should be finalized soon. "We're certainly seeking to move to a resolution," he told the court.

Chicken's boldly optimistic tone suggests that the voluminous medical records should indicate the HGH was at worst a doctor-prescribed supplement to the actor's regular workout routine, a 99% natural program consisting of a vigorous weightlifting regimen and the consumption of no less than three whole, deboned sheep per day. Certainly, the moment the Australian courts see for themselves that Stallone's trusted longtime personal physician Dr. Flex Goodbody of the Freakishly Massive Free Clinic endorsed the use of the substance, they will swiftly clear Stallone of any crime.

• Stallone offers evidence in hormone case [Reuters]