Ok!
"I'll Love Him Forever." This article, titled "Our Love Story," is about how Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are "like an old married couple." Why? Because they would drive to the set of Eclipse together, and, when headed home, one would wait for the other to get out of wardrobe and makeup. Oh, and Rob is like a "human magnet" for Kristen. They love each other, etc. BREAKING: Heels are not rain boots, Suri Cruise! (See image 7) Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom are "prepping for parenthood" by getting a dog. Lindsay Lohan has been partying all night every night in the last few days. The source here is a paparazzo who follows LL. He says: "After 4, 5, 6 in the morning, she's really crazy. She screams and yells and says very mean things, even though she knows us very well." Maybe she doesn't want to be followed at 5 am? Anyway, another "friend" says Lindsay refuses to go to rehab: "We ask, we beg, but she won't listen."
Grade: F (headlice)

Us
"Her Secret Deal."
Katie Holmes is sad and lonely because she's "committed herself" to a seven-year contract and Tom tells her what to wear, how to cut her hair and when to work out. "He even told her to be pale like Nicole [Kidman]," says a source. Meanwhile, Suri is 3 going on 30 with her heels and San Pelligrino and so on. As for Katie, the mag says her "situation" will "not improve until November 2013," when her contract is up. Moving on: Recently at a West Hollywood nightclub, Lindsay Lohan shouted at two photographers: "Why don't you go find my dad? He's the one who wants the pictures." Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are stalking the stork; a source says: "Gwen has told friends she's trying for another baby." In Rob and Kristen news, they ordered the same thing for room service breakfast recently — and had it delivered to one room, which means, OMG, he slept over. A hotel staffer adds, "They were already dressed when room service was delivered." You can practically feel the magazine's disappointment! In case you're unsure of the milestones in the "Robsten" relationship, Us has provided a handy timeline (See image 8). Jon Gosselin is threatening to have a showdown on Thanksgiving because Kate Gosselin plans to invite her bodyguard, Steve Neild. A source says Jon's jealous: "Even though he knows it's over with Kate, he still can't stand the thought of her being with another man, especially Steve." Another source says Kate's constantly on the phone with Steve, "smiling like a teenager" and "I haven't heard her yell in two weeks." Lastly, Jennifer Aniston and two friends flew via private jet to the One & Only Palmilla resort in Cabo San Lucas. "On Aniston's agenda? Morning yoga sessions, lying by the pool, and being waited on hand and foot."
Grade: F (peeling scalp)

Life & Style
"Tears, Joy, And Drama At The Baby Shower."
While the magazine does not flat-out claim that it sponsored Kourtney Kardashian's baby shower, the guests drank from soda bottles decorated with with Kourtney's Life & Style cover (See image 9). And the magazine says: "Life & Style and Simmons jewelry company gave Kourtney a limited edition Hello Kitty necklace made from white gold, enamel and diamonds." Price? $950. There were 84 guests at the party, and they got chocolate Louboutin shoes and swag bags — it was a publicity event, not a baby shower. Each sister gave an exclusive interview to the magazine, which is where the "drama" comes in — Khloe and Kim used to hate Kourtney's baby daddy Scott Disick, because he was accused of cheating on Kourtney, but now they like him, because "he's done small things" like putting the crib together. And he got a job. With QuickTrim. For which the Kardashians are spokesmodels. Moving on: Michael Lohan is trashing Jon Gosselin and the way he treated Kate Major: "You sleep with a woman, you gain her confidence by saying you're going to hire her, then you use her like that?I spoke to Stephanie Santoro, and it was the same thing." Here are three ways Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are copying Angelina and Brad: First they denied they were in a relationship; then they get people used to the idea of them as a couple with an intimate photo shoot in a fashion magazine; then they GRADUALLY show PDA (see image 10). Also inside: Michael Lohan says: "I will not release another audio tape about Lindsay. I did it because I wanted Lindsay to know how I felt when I heard that tape. When I get a phone call at 2, 3, 4, 5 in the morning from my daughter and she's in dire straits, I get very concerned." Lastly: Michael Jackson's funeral cost $1,146,518.62, and the mag itemizes that receipt for you (See image 11).
Grade: D- (clumps of hair falling out)

In Touch
"Yes! They'll Reunite!"
Re: The cover image: Do you love how they are Photoshopped together, with her arm disappearing into his chest? The cover copy reads: "Jen waits for Brad at the resort they love." But inside, what they mean is: She went to a hotel in Mexico she'd been to with Brad and "waited" for him to text her. "After a few glasses of wine on November 13, his pal reveals that Jen ducked away from her group of friends and exchanged a series of text messages with Brad that crossed the line from friendly to downright flirtatious." Oh, and you know how two tell-all books about Brangelina are coming out? Angelina's "tarnished" image is driving Brad away, and he thinks she's brought this on herself because of her addiction to attention. The copy reads: "Brad isn't worried about how the books will affect Angelina, but how they might hurt their children." A source says: "Maddox is old enough to Google his mom now, and Brad is afraid he'll get hurt." Jen's friend says: "Brad seems haggard. All Jen wants to to when she sees him is give him a big hug and tell him he'll be fine." Oh, and Brad and Jen have reconnected over Norman, Jen's sick dog — who used to be Brad's dog, too. Also inside: Geena Davis may have put on 50 lbs. Jennifer Garner may have lost 35 lbs. Britney Spears is in a "race to the altar." She's expecting Jason Trawick to propose over Christmas, and she wants to get married in the summer of 2010. Wait, is that a race? She wants bridesmaids, a gown and a four-tiered cake — a traditional wedding. (What, no pimps and hos sweatsuits?) "Britney wants to tie the knot ASAP to insure that Jason won't leave her again." She also wants her dad's conservatorship to end. Oh, and her dad wants her to start on another album after her tour, while Jason wants her to take a break — and he thinks her family is using her. Next: When Sarah Palin was on Oprah's show, things backstage were "tense." Did Nicole Kidman have a boob job? (See image 12) BREAKING: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson were spotted getting off of a plane in Paris and HOLDING HANDS. "She grinned from ear to ear and snuggled into him happily," a source says. "They're obviously a couple and definitely in love." During their European trip, they booked separate rooms, but she ordered breakfast and coffee for two the day after they arrived. Lastly: a 41-year-old man named Matthew Roberts was adopted as a baby and found his birth mom in 1997, and she told him he was conceived when she was raped during a drug-fueled orgy involving Charles Manson and four other men. Why this story is here we have no idea, but the guy does look like Manson. (See image 13)
Grade: D- (matted hair)

Star
"Katie's $15 Million Tell All."
Since her contract expires on November 18 (TODAY), Katie is "prepared to pen an explosive and embarrassing exposé" of her life behind closed doors. She COULD get $15 million for her confessions. Like: They have separate bedrooms, and she says it's because Tom snores loudly, but Katie has hinted that they've never slept the whole night together. Tom likes it when Katie wears sexy lingerie, and Tom likes to "parade around the house in military uniforms," similar to the ones he wore in Top Gun, A Few Good Men and Valkyrie. "It makes him feel handsome," according to a source. Tom spends hours each day in front of the mirror, checking out his wrinkles and love handles. He also waxes his chest regularly and gets colonics. Tom lets Suri do whatever she wants and has already had to replace mahogany paneling twice in six months, because he lets her draw pictures on the walls. And! "Katie may also decide to go public about Tom's secret Scientology mobile unit. It's a black American-made van that looks like a regular vehicle on the outside, but inside it's fitted with high tech gadgets, monitors and computer equipment worth of a spy flick." A source says Tom spends a ton of time in the van: "It's how he keeps in touch with Scientologists all over the world. It's padded on the inside, so that no one can hear anything on the outside. Not too many people get to see the inside of this thing." Moving on: Did Kim Kardashian get a nose job? (See image 14). Rihanna is a "carbo-loader" who insists on fast-food feasts. And just so you know, Lady Gaga requests a hot, whole roast chicken in her tour rider. Precious star Gabby Sidibe is featured in a piece called "She's Got Style" and the copy reads, "she's a pro when it comes to turning heads." Seriously, there is not ONE crack about her weight from the magazine which does "Best & Worst Beach Bodies" regularly. (See image 15). Drew Barrymore has kicked Justin Long out of her apartment because he's a slob and started acting like a Frat boy, leaving his stuff all over the place. Someone told Jennifer Aniston that her ex, Adam Duritz, was on his way to a party — with his new ladyfriend, Emmy Rossum — so Jen "bolted out the back door." Bruce Willis took his wife Emma Heming to dinner and the owner of the restaurant mistook her for one of his daughters. Blind item! "Which actor plays a loving dad and hubby on TV, but likes to play the field in real life? While his wife cares for their kid, he hits NYC hot spots, trying to pick up young chicks." Khloe Kardashian was spotted picking up half a dozen pregnancy tests at Rite- Aid. In Brad & Angie news, they visited a museum, and the story goes, "They were so inspired by the beauty all around them that they babbled about their future family plans." Angie said: "I have a mosaic in my house. I have ancient cultures, and we celebrate everything. This year, we're doing Christmas, Kwanzaa and even Hanukkah." When asked if she was going to have one more kid, Angie said "I'm always thinking about it. I would love to." Brad said: "You never know." Fantasia Barrino's fans are upset because she is dating a married father of two who left his wife and kids to move in with her. He used to work in a T-mobile store and now Fantasia has his name tattooed on her chest. Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake went to a Jay-Z show and guess who came out to sing "Run This Town"? Rihanna. Seeing her was "like a knife" in Jessica's heart, but Justin danced and sang along. "Jessica stood there like a fool… trying not to cry." The New Moon promotional tour took Rob to Japan and Kristen to South America, and when they were apart, Rob realized he couldn't live without Kristen. So then there's some stuff in here for the Twihards: When Rob and Kristen stayed in that hotel in Paris, he arranged for the staff to place dozens of roses around the room — there were flower petals covering the floor and bed and lit candles everywhere when she walked in. The two are planning to get married once all the Twilight craze dies down. Which is never. They might elope in London. Finally: "Wow, Jen's New Bikini Body" is about how in Mexico, Ms. Aniston's belly was slightly rounder and she ate everything she wanted: "Could she be getting ready to be a mom?" A source says Jen's been hooking up with John Mayer — and they haven't always been careful. The "pal" reminds us: "Just because she's single doesn't mean she can't get pregnant!"
Grade: D+ (dandruff)

From Ok!

From Us

From Life & Style

From Life & Style

From Life & Style

From In Touch

From In Touch

From Star

From Star

These days, just about any celeb can get a book deal, but if they really want to get on Oprah and sell millions of copies, they need to come up with some sort of attention grabbing scandal that will catapult their tome up the best-sellers lists. It started innocently enough, in 1992, former Greg Brady, Barry Williams, wrote in his book Growing Up Brady that he had relationships with both is on-screen mother and sister. In 2003 Anne Heche's Call Me Crazy alleged sexual abuse as well as communicating with aliens. There aren't many other places to go after that. Last year John Lennon: The Life upped the ante by claiming that the Beatle not only had a gay relationship with Paul McCartney, but was also in love with his mother.

As the literary one-upsmanship continues from fake incest to aliens to real incest and gay relationships, the famous are going to have to dig deep to find accusations that will actually shock us into buying their sorry books.

• 2010: A new book about Elizabeth Taylor says that her secret to longevity is because she practiced Satanism at an altar in her basement. She also served as the inspiration for both Rosemary's Baby and Angel Heart.
• 2014: After his lover performing partner Roy's death, Siegfried Fischbacher writes a book about their life together and alleges that the only comfort Roy could find after his tiger mauling accident came when he started having sex with tigers. But only female tigers, because they are definitely not gay.
• 2017: Michael Phelps appears on the final season of Oprah to talk about his new book. He admits that during the Olympics he was on hormones, not because he needed extra speed, but because he's really a woman.
• 2020: Jennifer Aniston is finally ready to open up about her marriage to John Mayer, who wasn't really a human at all, but a shape shifting demon that she summoned through witchcraft and virgin sacrifice to kill Angelina Jolie. She fell in love with him instead. Mayer has no comment, but returns to the pits of Hades from whence he came.
• 2023: Lauren Conrad writes about her slide from fame into obscurity and how the loss of self-esteem lead her to make some odd career choices. She became a mid-priced hooker and drug trafficker that also ran a ring of very, very cruel puppy farms. Still, no one really cares.
• 2029: Suri Cruise finally pens a book saying that her mother married her father to become more famous and that her father often trapped them in the house for long stretches of time, not letting them talk to outsiders. She also says that they were involved in a cult with its own uniforms and crazy languages and that it kept her father from expressing his homosexual desires. It also eventually stole all of his money. Come on. Who's going to believe that?

We don't know! We asked our tipster and he said he couldn't see since he pulled up so close to snap the pic but added, "I have a feeling she's controlling the driver with her mind." Ha!

So, who knows what clear is riding around Tinsel Town in a metallic vehicle? Has Tom Cruise bought his extraterrestrial child her own Lexus hardtop convertible already? Or does automaton bride Katie Holmes have the help ferry Miss Suri around town in it when she thinks she can dance? Maybe a fellow cultist fan who wants to get in good with the boss? The ghost of L. Ron Hubbard?! If one of you out there has the answer, leave us a comment or send us an email.

The prestigious institution, called Clone High New Village Academy, was founded (most likely as some sort of assets-hiding tax dodge) by is-he-or-isn't-he Scientologist Will Smith. It teaches children "study technology" (as in: "Open the plate in your chest. Study the technology that makes you function as a normal Earth human") and promotes a rigorous diet of low-carb, low-sodium and low-sugar organic food.

For her part, poor terrified Holmes has been completing an initial toxin cleansing phase in the lead up to her second Impregnating, to be processed once she is done filming her movie The Extra Man in her beloved New York City.

So both Suri and Katie hurtle toward the next level of Scientological horrors and mysteries, one sadly and innocently unaware, the other searching in vain for the shatters of the soul she sold lo those four or so years ago for a shot at a movie career. When reached for questioning, Cruise said that yes, yes he's thrilled about all this news but please don't hug him while his new exoskeleton is still so new and sensitive.

[Daily Mail]

Image via Getty

Contributing editor Margaret assists as we try and reach the pinnacle of celebrity "news" by reading In Touch, Life & Style, Us, Ok! and Star. Results below.

Ok!
"Best Friends!"
Katie Holmes and Angelina Jolie are both in New York for films, but "the working moms' most important project while in Manhattan is coordinating a playdate for their two adorable toddlers!" Not that it has happened yet. Still, the mag pushes the kids together on the elaborately Photoshopped cover and inside there's another composite photo where it almost looks like Suri and Shiloh are standing on the same sidewalk, except you know that they are not, because the photos are months apart. The cover is a real achievement since it involved cutting out Shiloh's basket so that Suri's dress would appear behind the handle, even though these children HAVE NEVER MET. Moving on: Mariska Hargitay is recuperating from her second surgery in two months from complications after suffering a collapsed lung. Be well! A story about how Tim Gunn has a little crush on Anderson Cooper is illustrated with tiny hearts (Fig. 1). Tim says he loves Coop's "brain, looks and style. He's fabulous!" Margaret wants them to be boyfriends and have little well-dressed babies. Gwen Stefani's kid Kingston has a crush on their neighbor, Britney Spears: "He think [Britney] is really great and cute, and he flirts with her," Gwen says. A story about Briney being on tour contains this sentence: "This tour had a totally unexpected impact on Britney and her own kids, turning them into a real family," a "friend" of Brit's tells the mag. Because they used to be a fake family, you see. Lastly, in a Rihanna story, an insider claims Rihanna is "desperate" to keep Chris Brown out of jail. Ugh.
Grade: F (falling down a flight of stairs)

In Touch
"Friends Fear It Will End In Death."
Perhaps coincidentally, the picture of Chris Brown inside shows a skull tattoo on his hand. The article is about how Chris could kill Rihanna, but there is no new information. Moving on: "Posh Steals Tom's Style" made us LOL (Fig. 2). Next, there's a spread which seems to insinuate that Gossip Girl's Ed Westwick is hot for some dude with whom he attended a Knicks game (Fig 3). Love the way they gaze into each other's eyes and whisper sweet nothings into each other's ears. Jessica Simpson is "back in her Daisy Dukes" but they are actually not the same shorts she wore in 2004; though they are the same jean shorts she wore in 2007. Also: Who cares? A spread called "Stars Are Starting To Look Like Vampires" is about pale skin and red lips. Yeah, Dita Von Teese is pictured.
Grade: D- (getting stuck in an elevator)





Us
"Bachelor Revenge!"
Margaret says she read the whole story and found it "boring and stupid and made-up." Apparently after they filmed After The Final Rose Melissa Rycroft sent Jason Mesnick emails that were leaked online. (By her, one assumes?) In them she said: "I can't believe you did that to me publicly. I can't even tell you how much respect I lost for you. Seeing the person that you became you are right: A relationship between you are I would never work." That is like when someone dumps you and you say, "No, I am dumping you!" Moving on: A sidebar about celebrity babysitters reveals which stars sat for other stars: William H. Macy used to babysit for Jeremy Piven; Kristen Bell used to babysit Hayden Panettiere; Alice Cooper used to babysit for Keanu Reeves; Michael Bolton used to watch Paula Abdul. Next: Nadya Suleman, known in this mag as "Octomom," wrote a letter to her 14 kids (?!?) and Us hired a handwriting analyst to study it. Because Suleman didn't loop her "G," she has unfulfilled wishes and dreams. Sad! But hopefully her "wishes" aren't for more kids. Oh, so the video of her giving birth is being shopped for $1 million and apparently Suleman wanted it shot so her other kids could see the miracle of life. Plus, in a Radaronline interview, when asked if she would do porn, Suleman said: "Who wants to see me naked? Maybe in a year when the baby fat goes away." So that's not a no? In a Chris and Rihanna story, Bow Wow, a friend of the couple, says the rumors of a pregnancy and secret wedding are not true. A "friend" of Rihanna's says: "Am I scared for her? Hell yeah. I saw the girl's face. She looked like chopped liver. He could kill her next time." The DA tells Us that since Chris texted an apology to Rihanna's assistant "that amounts to a confession." Also: "If she says she hit him first, that could very well be the difference whether he spends any time in jail or not." Plus: America's Next Top Model winner Jaslene Gonzalez says she was in an abusive relationship for four years. She's put two restraining orders on him since winning the show.
Grade: D (climbing extremely steep stairs on hands and knees)

Life & Style
"Force To Diet."
Though Katie Holmes's rep denies it, the mag claims Kate is on a "Scientology detox diet known as a purification rundown." It's a combination of exercise, vitamins, nutrition and sauna that dislodges drug residue and other toxins. Sounds fun! But: Taking niacin has maybe made Katie's skin yellow. A reporter asked her about her favorite restaurants, and she held up a drink and said, "As you can see, I'm on my liquid diet right now." Have you seen Angelina and Brad's Long Island living room? It's insane (Fig. 4)! The house has a "shocking past" — wild parties! A feng shui consultant who does not work for Brad and Angie says: "If they want to cleanse the energy of the home, they could go around the perimeter of it with sage or ringing a bell. In every corner you clap your hands to break up the energy. Energy often gets caught in corners." Good to know. Rihanna has been invited to go on Oprah's show, but Chris told her not to do it, saying it would make things worse. According to a friend. And: "She really did change her email address and her cell phone number." Rihanna isn't talking to friends or family who don't support her decision to get back with Chris. There's an "exclusive" interview with Millionaire Matchmaker's Patti Stanger about the breast reduction she got. She went to an associate of Dr. 90210 (Dr. Rey) because she saw him on TV. Lastly, this week in Dr. Rey's Casebook: Necks. Anne Hathaway's is "wrinkle-free," maybe because she is 27? Nicole Kidman's neck is "loose." She is 41. Jane Krakowski, 40, would "appear younger" with 28-year-old Kristen Bell's neck. (Fig. 5)
Grade: D+ (riding an elevator which stops at every floor)

Star
"Caught: Brad & The Nanny!"
Here's the deal with Brad Pitt and the nanny: Brad walked into the twins' room and saw the nanny sitting on the bed. He asked what was wrong and she told him she didn't feel well. He sat down next to her and started rubbing her back. "It really was all very innocent," says an insider. But if they were alone in the room, who is this person?? Anyway. Angelina walked in and "flipped out." She "got right in Brad's face, screaming at the top of her lungs and told the nanny to get out of her house and never come back." Then the commotion woke the babies and they started crying; Angie just snapped. "She slapped Brad right across the face. He was stunned." Brad stormed out of the house and went on a long motorcycle ride. Now the kids are upset because the nanny is gone and Angie gets mad when they ask where the lady went. Moving on: Jennifer Love Hewitt is now dating Jamie Kennedy. Blind item! "Which aging sexpot needs to get a handle on her carnal instincts? Diners at a chic LA eatery were disgusted by a sloppy makeout session with her younger lover. Such bad taste!" Miley Cyrus has fake teeth and they fell out of her mouth at a recent photo shoot. Brad and Angie have "added another kid" to their brood: Shiloh's imaginary friend, Amy. Shiloh says she likes Amy better than Knox and Viv. "Jake Puts A Ring On It" is about how Reese Witherspoon showed up at a photo shoot wearing an engagement ring, but took it off when she saw people staring. She's not ready to go public with it, but Gyllenhaal popped the question. Two pictures of Gossip Girl's Jessica Szohr and Ed Westwick on vacation in Jamaica. An insider says Chris Brown won Rihanna back "with the promise of marriage and babies" but now "he's made it clear that if she even thinks of leaving, she'll pay for it." "One minute he's whispering sweet nothings to her and the next he's making threats." Next: Britney and Kevin are falling in love again. While on tour in Florida, Brit took the family to Disneyworld and booked a whole floor at a hotel for her camp. An insider says: "Her room was only four doors down the corridor from Kevin's! They looked awfully friendly when they met up in the hallway!" The two allegedly stay up all night talking in hotel rooms and backstage, Kevin hugged Britney and told her she looked "gorgeous" before she went on. A different insider says there's been "some kissing." The sister of Bristol Palin's baby daddy Levi Johnston, Mercede Johnston, tells the mag that Bristol broke up with Levi more than a month ago, is not attending school and rarely lets Levi see their son. Scandal! Is Paula Abdul only acting like she is over Idol and into her jewelry line? Or does she want producers to beg her to stay? Finally: "We Love Our Curves" is an eight page photo-driven story about "curvy" celebs. The mag claims Beyoncé is a size 12, Jennifer Hudson is a size 10 and Mad Men's Christina Hendricks is a 10. Does that make any sense?
Grade: C- (stuck going up endless narrow, ancient stone spiral staircase)

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With a growing need to generate magazine sales and Web traffic in a softening economy, media outlets are increasingly turning to stars that are both much-loved and highly reliable. [...]

As the economy heads toward what many predict is a recession, these adorable kids — and the desire to chronicle their upbringings — may become more important than ever. Simply put, fawning over celebrities and their picturesque families may be just the sort of distraction people need. [...] Dina Sansing, entertainment director for Us Weekly agrees:"It's much more fun to look at cute pictures of Suri," she says, "than think about how much your 401(k) has decreased."

But the recession has some babies pretty hard as well: Dannielynn Birkhead was shipped off to infant Palookaville after last year's No. 7 tie with Madonna's Malawian prize David Banda; she was replaced by newcomer Matilda Rose Ledger. Sean Preston Federline plunged from No. 4 to No. 9; his score suffered from his selfish mother's relative reclusion from the tabloid glare for much of the last year. And think of the celebrity diaper-fillers whose oversights will no doubt demand reckoning: Look for aggressive '09 campaigns for Tina Fey's daughter Alice, the latest Trump offspring and up-and-comer Trig Palin to commence immediately, if they haven't already.

• Hollywood's Hottest Tots [Forbes]

Suri Cruise in Out of This World
The daughter of Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and a strange whirring machine kept in a corner of Tom's basement is but a mere babe right now. But in a few years, the curious patent leather-shoed Victorian tyke could be ready for showbiz. We see her going one of two ways. Either she stars as the spunky yet earthy and wise younger sister to the next tween sensation on a Disney Channel sitcom called Zaidee Zenkman's Zany Zoo or some crap. But more likely, she'll do a remake of Out of This World, a 1980's teen sitcom about a girl named Evie whose father is an alien who lives in a magic crystal pyramid she keeps in her bedroom. She can freeze time and shit. So it would be a reality series.

Lourdes Leon in Way Upper West Side Story
Lourdes is the daughter of a personal trainer named Carlos and a pop singer named Madonna. She's 12 years old and is becoming something of a fashion plate. So it would make sense if she, like her moms, dabbled a bit in filmmaking. Her big remake opportunity comes (everyone's gotta do a remake!) when she's asked, at age 16, to star in Way Upper West Side Story. She plays barrio princess Maria in this Latin and hip-hop infused update of the famous musical. Like current Broadway hit In The Heights, it's set in Manhattan's Washington Heights neighborhood. The story is tragic as, in the end, she loses her one true love, the Upper West Side Jewish boy Tony Arnstein (played by Harvey Weinstein's kid). It's a huge Step Up 2: The Streets-style hit. She becomes a multi-culti music sensation, her mama is proud.

James Wilke Broderick in Were The World Mine
The son of actor Matthew Broderick and the Secretariat of lady business movies and TV, Sarah Jessica Parker, James will enter showbiz against his parents wishes. He'll mostly have small roles in TV shows at first, playing the shaggy and insecure friends of various tween girl stars. Does he have a crush on them? Will they ever date? Who's going to make the first move? The answer will come when, some day down the road, he stars in a remake of this movie. Then, amid a flurry of glitter, everyone will know. He'll end up quitting the biz, opening a restaurant in Hell's Kitchen with his roommate Gideon and spending most of his time out in Montauk, in his flower garden or on the phone with his "Mother dear."

Brooklyn Beckham in Ya Fucked, a Peter Pan "Update"
The eldest son of bedazzled pop singer and fashion designer Victoria and, well, equally bedazzled futbol player David, Brooklyn is as close to royalty as it gets in England (oh... wait.) When he hits 15, coming out of a painful awkward phase and blossoming into his genes-given good looks, he'll decide to take on a ludicrous white-boy rapping career. This will be like seven years in the future, so rapping will mostly involve computers and the sound of cash registers blinging. He'll follow that up with a couple action movies, eventually doing a Guy Ritchie-directed techno funk remake of Peter Pan simply and oddly titled Ya Fucked. It will perform poorly and be the running joke of the industry for about two years or so. After that embarrassment, he'll quit showbiz to go to Cambridge, where he'll excel at art history, eventually taking a teaching post at New Castle and living a quiet life. Until, inevitably every year, one of his students finds an old copy of Ya Fucked and makes him play it in class.

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt in Sweet Valley High School Musical
Shiloh, Brad and Angie's first biological child, will go heavy into showbiz. She'll get her own Nickelodeon sitcom at age 12 called Nipsy Nugget's Nine Nannies about a rich girl with a series of wacky nannies. At age 14 she'll release her debut album, called No More Secretz, featuring such confessional tracks as "U Didn't Kno Bout My Celly" and "Better Luck Text Time." Then will come her most infamous role, playing both Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield in a short-lived TV series called Sweet Valley High School Musical. By age 23 she'll have blown through her Nipsy money, and will be reeling from the relative failure of her two follow-up albums, What U Need From Me? and The Great Connecticut Sousaphone Experiment. After a mild meth problem, mama Angie will swoop in and save the day. At 30, Shiloh will release a searing memoir called Til Smith Do Us Part and will land a supporting role in the remake of the remake of 90210 as a sassy, if world-weary, English teacher.

There are so many more Jolie-Pitts to consider! Let's do a list! (A listicle WITHIN a listicle! Pareene's head just exploded)

• Maddox: This was the first one, right? Angelina Jolie adopted him from Cambodia before she married hooked up with actor Brad Pitt. He'll end up being kind of alterna and will go to Reed in Oregon. He won't do much showbiz, except for directing a few weirdo, trippy skateboarding shorts
• Zahara and Pax: Jolie's two other adopted chillens, they'll both attend Northwestern and graduate with honors. Zahara will become a scholar of feminist theatre, writing her dissertation on Suzan Lori-Parks. Pax and his life partner Ethan will move to Ethan's native Calgary, Alberta where Pax will work as a high school administrator and part-time saxophonist in a local jazz band.
• Vivienne and Knox: In the summer of 2024, the twins, vacationing in Borneo, will hop into a hot air balloon and float away, never to be seen again. Some people will claim to have spotted them doing drag performances of Gypsy at the Guthrie in Minneapolis under assumed names, but those reports will mostly be dismissed as rumor.

OK!
"Baby Brother For Suri!" Okay, so Nicole Kidman told the December issue of Glamour magazine that her teenage son, Connor, is hoping for a baby brother. "He would like one of us to have a boy. He wants that boy. Katie?" Basically, Nicole is done with giving birth and it's all up to Katie Holmes. Hence this cover story. A "friend" says: "Kate and Tom very much want another baby. There may be no better time than now for Katie to get pregnant again, and absolutely nothing would make Tom happier. Their second anniversary is just days away [Nov. 18] and I wouldn't be at all surprised to see another little Cruise come into the world nine months later." Hear that? TomKat could have sex on their anniversary, Katie could get knocked up, and Suri could have a brother. Moving on: Oprah is letting Jennifer Hudson stay at her East Lakeshore Drive condo in Chicago while she deals with the deaths in her family. "There's plenty of privacy and security there," a pal says. Carnie Wilson is pregnant, if you care. Britney is still under her father's conservatorship. Angelina Jolie is using her kid's video games to work out: She does "Let's Pilates!" on Nintendo DS. Then there are a bunch of weird, Marie Claire-style stories in this issue, maybe because the mag has a new editor: There's "The Dos & Don'ts Of Love At Work," which touches on Gossip Girl's cast members dating; "How To Score A Sexy Sports Star," which is Jessica Simpson-inspired, and "Don't Catch The Office Cold," which is about staying healthy at work, but uses a picture from the NBC show The Office. These pieces are not really gossipy, more service-y, and therefore weird in a gossip mag. Lastly, there's "10 Things You Must Know About Twilight," the new vampire movie that will eat America's soul on November 21.
Grade: F (hopelessness)


In Touch
"She's Pregnant Again!" Angelina Jolie has a "small yet noticeable baby bump." She gave birth to twins in July but "may already be two months pregnant." For the love of God. A "friend" says: "She is very tired and emotional. She had thought it was post-partum depression, but then she told Brad, 'Um, I think we've done it again.'" Also, the magazine actually prints these words: "She wants a bump for the Oscars." And guess what? Jennifer Aniston might be pregnant too! The mag claims her "bump" is "getting bigger." Moving on: Tori Spelling's spawn, Liam, 20 months old, is pictured checking himself out in In Touch (Fig 1). Meta. Lisa Rinna has a "new" face (Fig. 2) and says: "I know I went too far. I saw a doctor in New York who I don't normally see, and we went a little overboard. I saw a photo of myself at a party and went, 'Oh jeez, I have too much filler.'" Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller are "on the rocks." She's pregnant; he's been out partying. The Jonas Brothers have a $24,000-a-month mansion in Bel Air, and you don't. Lastly: You've heard this one before, and here it is again: Lindsay looks too thin (Fig. 3).
Grade: D- (ennui)


Life & Style
"Britney's Brave Battle With Mental Illness" Hey, Britney was diagnosed with being bi-polar less than a year ago… Is she ready for a "comeback"? She was spotted in tears at rehearsal for her upcoming tour. An insider claims she said, "It's all too much for me right now." Moving on: An source says Jennifer Aniston wants more plastic surgery because she's afraid her "nose is only getting bigger." She has a window of time in January and February before the release of He's Just Not That Into You and could squeeze in some rhinoplasty. Heidi Montag's dad says: "Every father wants his daughter to be with someone like Spencer, believe me. If they want to get married, they definitely have my blessing." What is that guy smoking? He also showed Spencer his gun. Anne Hathaway's new man is an actor named Adam Shulman. Gwen Stefani put a picture of her baby on her website for the world to see: He looks like a baby. Also, the mag calls 2-year-old Kingston Rossdale "Hollywood's Newest Bachelor." He had a playdate with Tobey Maguire's daughter! Angelina Jolie says: "If we look at all the cartoon heroines, there isn't even one princess in Disney that Zahara can identify with. And there's something very wrong with this. We had an African-American candidate for the Presidency, and not even a cartoon for a black child." Lastly, this week in "Dr. Rey's Casebook," the feature in which the plastic surgeon reduces women to body parts, which he then critiques, Heidi Montag needs Carmen Electra's butt; Tara Reid has dimples on her "saggy" derriere and Mena Suvari's behind is "perfectly perky."
Grade: D (apathy)


Star
"Twins For Jen!" The magazine prints the words: "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer with a baby carriage — big enough for twins." It's hilarious, but we read the "first comes love" shtick before, in Life & Style. According to Star: "Jen has been undergoing fertility treatments, determined to have a pair of babies with John." And Jen has already called Brad to tell him about the babies. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan's been bragging to her pals that she and Justin Timberlake had a one night stand in January. Jessica Biel was in England, filming a movie, and LL invited JT come to her house in West Hollywood. A source says that she says he came right over and they did it on the couch. A couple of weeks later, LL made plans to meet JT again, but he stood her up. This was around the same time Justin was "seen" hooking up with Kate Hudson. Also inside: Evan Rachel Wood has dumped live-in boyfriend Marilyn Manson! He tried to kick her brother out of the guesthouse, but Evan owns their home. Blind item! "Which TV funnyman looked like a big joke backstage at a recent hip-hop concert? Pale, bloated and wearing a stained hoodie, he bragged that he was tripping on LSD." Angelina Jolie was so "angry" about Brad flirting with Diane Kruger on the set of his new film, she flew to L.A. to appear at the Hollywood Film Festival Awards. Two days later, Brad followed her to L.A. with the kids in tow, to "grovel for her forgiveness." Lastly, there are four pages of candid snapshots and info from Heidi Montag and Audrina Patridge's ex-boyfriends, who "tell all," in case you're interested. We're not.
Grade: D+ (indifference)


Us
"Their Amazing Journey." If you can't handle gossip and you just want to read about ZOMG Barack Obama, there are 13 pages of text and pictures about the new first family, the role of first lady and what it's like to be a kid growing up in the White House. Snaps of the Kennedys, Susan Ford, Amy Carter, political dogs, etc.! Plus: Michelle Obama's mom might move into the White House along with the family. Sasha and Malia love the Jonas brothers and Nick Jonas says, "Those girls are very sweet. We will never turn an offer to go to the White House." Did you know that Barack and Michelle's 16th anniversary was on October 3? Michelle thought Barack would be too busy to celebrate, but then she saw a picture in the paper of him buying flowers, and later he gave them to her. Moving on: A-Rod was seen driving to Madonna's house in L.A. recently and plans to attend her L.A. concert. Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling: It's off. Sniff. An insider suggests Rachel was too controlling and Ryan dumped her. WTF. Simon Cowell and Terri Seymour have broken up after 6 years of dating; she wanted kids. Lastly, Carrie Underwood is dating a doctor from a TV show called… The Doctors.
Grade: A (hope) This week, politics trump celebrity!


Fig. 1

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Boomp3.com

A small skirmish broke out between Tom Cruise and daughter Suri Cruise on the streets of Manhattan over the weekend. Cruise insisted that the twosome go across the street to the Fresh & Tootie Fruity, nature’s candy store, whereas Suri insisted that they visit Chocolate EXXXXplosion!—the city’s most delicious and explosive ice cream parlor. Said Suri: "Remember when we watched Lions For Lambs and I didn’t complain or sigh or groan? Well, consider this the payback."

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Making her way to work, Katie Holmes was questioned by a group of local children if Holmes’ daughter, Suri, was available that afternoon. Holmes said that her daughter was off cruising the various solar systems in a brand new shiny space ship. The children told Holmes that she didn’t have to lie about her daughter taking a nap. Holmes nervously laughed for a moment and said, “Yeah, right. She’s taking a nap. She’s just probably dreaming about adventures in a galaxy not that far away or electric sheep.”

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Midway through a matinee of Beverly Hills Chihuahua, mother-daughter duo Katie Holmes and Suri sent Tom Cruise out for a refill on snacks and sodas. As soon as Cruise left the theater, Suri leaned over to her mother and whispered, “If we ever wanted to run away, now would be the time. We got maybe five minutes before he gets back. Are you with me?” Holmes looked over her shoulder and eyed the door. Nobody was coming. Holmes stared into the eyes of her daughter and wondered if they could pull it off. Before she made her mad dash for freedom, Suri left behind an origami unicorn crafted out of a movie ticket stub.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Leaving his Manhattan apartment, Tom Cruise claimed that his edgy and stylized haircut was not the result of months of focus group testing, but rather the result of sleeping on the wrong side of the bed last night. Cruise said, “The MGM research department did not meet with my hair squad to create a haircut to maintain popular internet buzz amongst gamers and bloggers. It’s windy and a bit cold this afternoon.” Cruise also mentioned that he might have used a bit too much hair gel before leaving his apartment.

Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

After living on the planet earth for nearly two years, Suri Cruise finally revealed to a stunned crowd of on lookers that she is in fact, a being from another planet brought here to save the planet. A distressed hedge funder asked Suri if she knew how to solve the current problems with Wall Street, but Suri explained that she first going to focus on solving all of the issues on Main Street.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Suri Cruise brought the ruckus to the streets of New York on Saturday afternoon. The fashionable toddler’s world appeared to be swollen with disappointment after her parents, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, brought out the wrong stuffed animal to play with. Tom thought that his daughter wanted to play with her Curious George doll in the car, but Suri thought otherwise. Suri Cruise said, “In the future, I would prefer a series of options. I like George. He’s great, but I want to be able to choose from a wide variety of toys. Maybe George and Demarco the pink bear want to have a tea party together. Options, dad. Let’s look into them next around, okay?”

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Doting stage husband Tom Cruise was on pins and needles as he watched his ladylove, Katie Holmes, go through her final dress rehearsal of All My Sons. Cruise admitted that his nerves got the best of him during the performance tonight. “It was just so moving and profound," he said. "It felt like I was giving birth. My water may have broke right before the second act. It was that beautiful.” Cruise went to give Holmes her traditional post-performance hug and a firm handshake, but Holmes opted for the firm handshake instead.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Popular significant other to the stars Katie Holmes appeared to be melancholy after leaving rehearsal for her play, All My Sons. When asked, “Why so glum, sugar plum?”, Holmes replied that she didn’t know where to start. Holmes was mostly upset that nobody admired the Grease inspired pants she wore today. Holmes said, “ My pants look like the ones Sandy wears at the end of Grease. I wore it because, you know, it's dress like your favorite character from a play day. Nobody noticed. Everybody made a big fuss over Dianne Wiest dressing like Laura from The Glass Menagerie, but nothing for me.” Holmes felt that the best remedy for her blues may be to go over to Brooklyn and crawl into a big bowl of mac & cheese.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Despite crafting an elaborate plan involving a system of rope lines, helicopters and intensive flash photography, Suri Cruise was unable to make a clean getaway from parent Katie Holmes in New York on Tuesday night. Suri admitted that she failed to account for one thing: her mother's sunglasses. Cruise said, "I always forget about her sunglasses. I thought maybe for once she would be a normal person and not wear them since you know, it's night. Nope, mommy wanted to pretend she was a rock star yet again." Cruise place a share of the blame on the actors she hired for the failed attempt on Tuesday night. Cruise added, "You get what you pay for when you use Craigslist. I was paying in pizza rolls and I got a bunch of dudes from New Jersey." Cruise still remains optimistic and plans on making another getaway in the near future, perhaps during a snowstorm.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Katie Holmes shocked onlookers by revealing huge black-and-blue bruises on her legs last night.

The actress smiled at waiting photographers, but her navy shift dress revealed the painful-looking injuries.

Despite the late hour, the wife of actor Tom Cruise accessorised her simple outfit with a pair of oversized designer shades.

Here's a theory: perhaps husband Tom Cruise finally tired of lending Holmes his own jeans. In the knock-down, drag-out fight that ensued for possession of the rolled-up denims, Holmes walked away pantsless, with the wounds to show for it. Lesson learned, Katie: when Tom says, "Take a big step back, and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE," he ain't playin'.

[Photo Credit: Splash News]

• Pictured: Katie Holmes reveals shocking black-and-blue bruises on her knees [Daily Mail]

Famed celebuspawn Suri Cruise was not in the mood to play a game of 'Peek-A-Boo' outside of a Manhattan area pottery store. In fact, Cruise just wanted to hide together. Katie Holmes quickly asked her daughter what the problem was. Suri simply replied by pointing out her mother's leggings. Holmes said, "I thought you liked them. I mean, it's a lot better than wearing your father's old jeans, right?" Suri shook her head 'no' and asked if her mother thought she was one of those girls on those party photo websites. Holmes began wonder to what had gotten in her daughter, but her thought was quickly interrupted. Suri looked directly into her eyes, "I'm quietly judging your fashion sensibilities. Now, let's go to FAO Schwartz!"

[Photo Credit: Splash Pic]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Out for a stroll in New York City, Tom Cruise surprised his wife and daughter on Friday morning. Cruise, who had been waiting for ten minutes behind a SUV before popping out to hug his family, became concerned when Suri didn't recognize him. Suri asked her mother who the man was. Cruise said, "Hey, it's me! Your dad. Tom Cruise. Remember?" Suri shook her name and said that the name didn't ring a bell. Holmes looked over at Cruise with a wink as if to indicate "you know what to do." Cruise sighed and then flashed his trademark million dollar smile and started to dance around. Suri said, "Oh, right. You're the guy from the YouTube videos. Awesome. I love those videos."

[Photo Credit: Splash News]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.