Trying to sell real estate in this economy is going to be rough for our three flamboyant barons, Josh Flagg, Madison Hildebrand and Chad Rogers so Million Dollar Listing just went from a real estate porn show to a "people with shitty jobs show." It is in some very good company, but do these mini-real estate tycoons have the crappiest jobs on the tube?

Million Dollar Listing
Position: Realtor to the stars!
Dangers: Not making any money in this shitty economy, losing your car, having people make fun of you, starving to death.
Payout: In the five to six figures, if they can make a deal.
Perks: Going through rich people's medicine cabinets.
Risk/Reward Index: We'd do it, if we didn't have such a stable media job.

Deadliest Catch
Position: Crab fisherman.
Dangers: Um, death! By freezing in the rain, falling overboard, dealing with surly captains, or random crustacean uprising.
Payout: In the mid five figures, for only a few weeks of work.
Perks: Free crab!
Risk/Reward Index: We'll use imitation crab in our California rolls, thank you.

Position: Former action star, Louisiana police deputy.
Dangers: We haven't seen the show yet (it starts in December) but we assume dealing with shirtless meth fiends running from the law while dealing with Above the Law jokes.
Payout: We're guessing in the low five figures for the police gig. We're not sure what being washed up pays.
Perks: A comeback!
Risk/Reward Index: Totally worth it (for the viewers).

Ace of Cakes
Position: Baker
Dangers: Cavities, fatness, the torture of touching all those delectable sweets and not being able to have any, living in Baltimore.
Payout: Low.
Perks: Three words: Five Second Rule.
Risk/Reward Index: Pretty good, if you don't mind being poor.

Sunset Tan
Position: Tanning Assistant.
Dangers: Being too stupid to say "melanoma" or know what one is, other people's cellulite.
Payout: Minimum wage.
Perks: Not any really.
Risk/Reward Index: At least you get free McCafés at McDonalds.

Flipping Out
Position: Jeff Lewis' assistant.
Dangers: Your insane OCD boss you needles you more than a heroin addicts arm.
Payout: Probably low. Jeff keeps whining about how he has no money.
Perks: You get to work with a funny maid and meet Andy Cohen at the reunion show!
Risk/Reward Index: After mental health bills, it's cost prohibitive to work here.

1.) Models of the Runway
It's boring…and "dumb."

I love Heidi's reaction to them.

2.) Speaking of Dumb
Who the fuck forgets the words to "God Bless America"? Especially if it's your job to remember them.

3.) Gosselin Kids Promise Not To Murder Their Mother

4.) The Insider: "Michael Jackson…A Ladies Man?"

Did they mean like this?

5.) Anal Retentive
That OCD guy from that Bravo show doesn't allow his employees to poop in the office bathrooms, and if they do, and he finds out about it, he gets revenge.

6.) Anal Retentive, Part 2
On the TLC show Truth Be Told, people with who are obsessed with their pets were profiled. This woman swears she's "not a crazy pet owner," although she does admit to—and is filmed—wiping her dogs ass after she (the dog, not the owner) shits.

I wonder if this dog sleeps in her wig.

7.) Kim Sleeps in Her Wig

What would NeNe think?

8.) Everyone Thinks Spencer Pratt Is An Idiot

9.) Steven Seagal Is Working
Is anyone else as excited about Steven Seagal's new reality show as I am?

10.) My Sentiments, Exactly

After the jump: What actress is set to join the Mile-High Club with George Clooney?

· Vera Farmiga will play George Clooney's requisite romantic interest in Up in the Air, Jason Reitman's Juno follow-up about a man chasing down his life's goal of accruing 1 million frequent flyer miles. [Variety
· Speedy the Diet Supplement will be just one of the cartoon characters easing kids into Fox's planned Weekend Marketplace, a two-hour infomercial block that will replace the network's Saturday-morning cartoon programming. [Variety]
· Robert De Niro is the latest player to belly up to the Middle East gravy bowl, franchising his Tribeca Film Festival to Qatar for an annual event to screen in the capital city of Doha. [Variety]

Seagal, however, was even more of a disappointment, throwing a fit as soon as he mounted the stage over the intensity of the stage lights. You'd think someone with as much experience starring in a string of marginally beloved martial arts movies, and shredding his blues away on the El Rey stage, would be accustomed to the hot glare of theatrical lighting. If we had to guess, however, we'd say his vampiric reaction might have to do with flashbacks to the powerful lamp shoved into his face by overzealous FBI agents trying to connect the actor to the Anthony Pellicano racketeering scandal.

• Previously: Steven Seagal Thinks The FBI Should Apologize For Killing His Career [Defamer]

"False FBI accusations fueled thousands of articles saying that I terrorize journalists and associate with the Mafia," Seagal, 56, said recently in his first public comments on the case. "These kinds of inflammatory allegations scare studio heads and independent producers — and kill careers."

Laura Eimiller, an FBI spokeswoman, said she could not comment on Seagal's demand for an apology or on questions about the case. They "relate to an ongoing investigation which we are not at liberty to discuss," she said.

Seagal was past his prime earning years even before the Pellicano scandal broke in 2002. His career peaked in the 1990s with such blockbusters as "Under Siege." His last hit, "Exit Wounds," was released in 2001. Since then, he has made a dozen films that generated an estimated $25 million in total DVD sales, a fraction of what his movies used to take in.

"This controversy made the studios very nervous," said longtime Hollywood publicist Howard Bragman. "Let's be honest: Steven Seagal was no Harrison Ford when this happened. But these accusations certainly hastened his decline."

While Seagal might think wistfully of the huge piles of money potentially unearned during that "decline," he shouldn't discount what he's been able to accomplish in his mainstream Hollywood downtime—not only have his straight-to-video adventures allowed him the opportunity to travel the world in search of the most budget-friendly shoot locations former Soviet Bloc nations have to offer, he's also had the the chance to indulge his entrepreneurial and musical ambitions. Given the great success he's achieved in these other endeavors, he should think of his movie career as a noble martyr instead of a undignified FBI murder victim.

• Action star Seagal wants FBI apology [LAT]

[Image: Digital Variety]

• Sonny Gibson [IMDb]
• Marker [IMDb]

[*We don't know why we bothered making up song titles when actual examples like "Talk To My Ass," "Alligator Ass," and "Dust My Broom" were available. ]

[Photos: WENN]

• Steven Seagal: The Official Website [StevenSeagal.com]

• Even Actors Wanna Be In The Band [TSG]

I went in and interviewed for this off the UTA job list when there wasn’t a production company listed. I found out it was Steven Seagal and decided to do the interview just for the story. I was told that I would travel the world on a private jet and make $800/week. Sounded pretty good (except for the S. Seagal part). Then I started asking questions: Turns out you have to keep a 12-20 person entourage including personal chef, monks, and body guards happy at all times. I was told it was more of a “management” than an “assistant” position. Meaning you had to manage to get all of them where they needed to go or Steven would rip you a new one. Did I mention the 50 pieces of luggage that you are in charge of shepherding around the world? Also you have to go out to the “clubs” with Steven every night after work—a truly horrifying thought. And of course discretion is an absolute must. I told this story to someone else who had applied for the same job and they told me that when asked what sort of things they were supposed to be discreet about they were given this example: “like for instance if someone were to get shot."

I asked how long the person before me had lasted and the interviewer (not seagal) said 3 months. I applied 4 months ago.

We can only hope that there's no connection between the last assistant's three-month tenure and the referenced discretion about potential gunplay-related mishaps. Anyway, happy interviewing!

• Previously: Defamer Employment: Marked For Success [Defamer]

Assistant to Producer & Celebrity
There are three jobs available for this listing. 1. Assistant to Celebrity 2. Assistant to Celebrity producing partner 3. Office assitant for production company

Steamroller Productions is seeking experienced full-time assistant. Candidate will deal directly with actors, travel for production, and learn all aspects of movie making. This a busy office with heavy phones, scheduling, and travel arranggement. Ideal candidate must be extremely responsible, organized, self disciplined, and able to multi task. Wonderful opportunity for right person. Great opportunity to move up quickly in the entertainment business. Email a picuture and resume to xxxx@gmail.com or fax them to 310-xxx-xxxx. no calls please.

* Job location is Los Angeles
* Compensation: above $600 per week.

For those of you who haven't decoded the mind-melting clue offered by the picture above, Steamroller Productions is onetime action star/current semitoxic energy beverage mogul Steven Seagal's company. Before you tear up that last unemployment check, sure that all your Hollywood dreams are about to come true at rate of "above $600 per week," ask yourself a tough question: Which tastes better, the Ramen noodles slowly boiling on the hotplate in your studio apartment, or what passes for craft service on the Romanian set of the straight-to-video classic Hard to Kill 2: Somewhat Harder to Kill?

Oh, and we wouldn't read too much into the part where you have to submit a picture; they just want to make sure that you're not an obviously deranged maniac. Or, you know, a dude.

UPDATE: A reader reports on his interview for the job.

• Assistant to Producer & Celebrity [Craigslist]
• Previously: Defamer Employment: Writer Seeks Muse [Defamer]

Steven Seagal now can add “Energy Drink formulator” to a list of talents that already includes veteran actor, singer/songwriter, guitarist, and Aikido black belt. Maintaining an unrelenting schedule that would tire younger entrepreneurs, the 54-year-old Seagal has just completed two movies, “Into the Sun” and “Submerged.” His album, Songs from the Crystal Cave, released earlier this year, has already hit the pop charts in Europe.

Lightning Bolt Energy Drink™ is the result of Seagal’s travels in Asia in search of the ingredients believed to keep many locals disease-free for life.

We want to believe, we really do, but we can't shake the image of Santa Claus buggering the Easter Bunny while Seagal watches from atop a unicorn, roaring with laughter. (We not entirely sure we're awake yet, but why is Seagal playing the ukulele?) We even called the customer service phone number and reached a voicemail box for "Steven Seagal's Energy Drink," despite the fact we were getting in touch during the company's posted business hours. A WHOIS search on the domain name was inconclusive. We've done all we can do, short of making a pilgrimage to Seagal's secret Buddhist temple/drink formulating facility in Tibet to yank on that famous ponytail until we get the truth. For now, we'll chug from the shiny can of credulity. We've got to believe in something.

Also: Our pal at IsraellyCool has been taking the same agonizing journey of belief/disbelief.

UPDATE: A reader claims that it's real: "Yeah, it's real. I work for a large beverage manufacturer and in last month's trades, along with every other energy drink, Seagal has one coming out working the mystic martial arts Buddhist angle. My co-workers and I could not stop laughing. I'm sure it's filled with crap like all the others. Also get ready for the Von Dutch energy drink made by Rockstar coming very, very soon. I can't make this shit up."

• Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt [LightningDrink.com via IsraellyCool and Fark]