Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin have been picked to jointly host the Academy Awards telecast.

Slumdog Millionaire dominated as expected, an international sweep in a night studded with British, Indian and Australian wins. Not that there was much danger of nationalist unity within Hollywood; host Hugh Jackman managed to work some surprisingly vicious showbiz digs into the show, including lines from Steve Martin and Tina Fey not-so-subtly mocking Scientology and Ben Stiller's unsparing imitation of Joaquin Phoenix.

There were some misfires, like the lengthy nominee tributes involving top stars giving overlong, wedding-toast-style speeches for each contender in top categories like Best Actor and Actress. But there were also more memorable moments than any viewer had a right to expect. The best:

10. Franco and Rogen turn the Reader into stoner comedy

"Their giggling and guffawing at The Reader is somehow more damning (and more exposing of the film's overweening pomposity) than a thousand bad reviews." —Guardian. (OK, sure, but Kate Winslet's little gold man begs to disagree about the Reader.)

9. Angelina Jolie grins big at Jennifer Aniston

You just had to cut to Jolie during Aniston's animation award presentation, didn't you, ABC? OK, so we secretly enjoyed the shot of the Brad Pitt-stealer's wide grin, but that's not the point.

8. Philippe Petit's statuette-balancing magic trick

The star of Best Documentary Man on the Wire was making a naked bid to become the stuntman for all future Academy Award ceremonies. We're all for it, as long as the Frenchman returns each year with his charming white scarf.

7. Host Hugh Jackman: "The Musical Is Back"

Is it? Because some of us felt like we were stuck on the lido deck of a cruise. Including Penelope Cruz, judging by her arched eyebrows at the close of the biggest number.

6. Ben Stiller as Joaquin Phoenix

Oscar presenters don't normally go after their own. Stiller did. His deadpan, unmistakable imitation of Phoenix's notorious performance on David Letternan is as good a sign as any that Phoenix, who has declared himself retired from acting, is now being as much pushed out of the Hollywood community as leaving it.

5. Tina Fey and Steve Martin's Scientology dig

Or maybe they were talking about some other "made up" religion involving an alien king scattering seeds across the Earth to "fuel our positive transfers." But you don't have to be a Clear to know that's unlikely. (Though this is the best bit, Fey and Martin's overall routine was excellent. As was their rapport.)

4. Heath Ledger's family accepts his award

The late Dark Knight actor received a touching tribute from his father, mother and eager sister. But what happened to the mother of his child, Michelle Williams? She wasn't even mentioned.

3. Kate Winslet's whistle

The Englishwoman's Best Actress win was widely expected; her sweet call-and-response with her father was not.

2. Dustin Lance Black on gay rights: "God does love you."

The Mormon-raised Milk screenwriter once found inspiration and emotional sustenance in California. With his heartfelt message to "gay and lesbian kids," Black returned the favor.

1. Sean Penn: "You Commie, homo-loving sons of guns."

Accepting for Best Actor, Penn killed. The tightly-wound actor was charmingly self-deprecating. And his cutting comments on California's gay marriage ban, which came near the end of the Oscar telecast, provided the perfect bookend for Black's statements, near the start.

• Because no one asked for them [ONTD]

After a judge ruled to evict Cook from his Hollywood apartment last month because nobody picked up after the comic's crap-happy dog, Dane has decided to fight the decision with one of the most bizarre legal arguments we've ever heard –- that [John] Belushi and [Steve] Martin's supernatural leftovers have a serious affect on his career.

Cook claims he only rented the apartment in the first place because his heroes, Belushi and Martin, used to live in the same complex back in the day, and according to the court docs filed in L.A. County Superior Court, he would suffer serious "mental and emotional" damage — and his career would crumble — if he was forced to leave. In the docs, Cook claims, "I know that the presence of those that have lived there before me affects me deeply and provides me with inspiration."

Cook went on to say, "In the same way that writers can get writer's block, comedians can really easily run out of ideas and 'stories'; I am extremely frightened that this will happen to me if I am forced to move out of my apartment. I've seen it happen to other comics, that something interferes with their connection to their creative muse, and it's destroyed careers."

While we can't say that we've seen any evidence of Steve Martin's dry comic influence in Cook's enthusiastic brand of stand-up, we hope the situation works itself out in his favor. If there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that Cook should spend a lot of time in his apartment — weeks, months, whatever works! Take as much time off as you need, Dane...after all, isn't that we've got DC-01 for?

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Cook's Crappy Defense: Belushi's Ghost Owns Me [TMZ]

· Parents of the Bride Steve Martin and Diane Keaton re-team for One Big Happy, a "comic pitch" purchased by Paramount from the creators of Party of Five. All we need is the return of Martin Short's Eurogay party planner, Franck Eggelhoffer, and we're really onto something here! [Variety]
· ICM welcomes Showgirls director Paul Verhoeven and Dude, Where's My Car director Danny Leiner into the fold, where they promise to find both filmmakers "the kinds of craptastic projects that will really let them shine." [THR]

Martin saves his more sardonic barbs for Letterman's scab-encrusted nemesis—after the jump!

Martin then goes on to admit he also pulled in some lucrative scab-dollars pitching jokes to Letterman's chief competitor. However imprudent the confession, it does go a long way towards explaining why striketime Tonight Show sketches suddenly became far more nuanced, pitting the Square Dancing Cheneys in a bitter love triangle with a beautiful Neiman Marcus sales associate with artistic aspirations.

• Late Show with David Letterman [CBS]

In today's episode: Gwyneth Paltrow and Jack Black; Robert Downey Jr.; Deep Roy; Steve Martin; Stevie Wonder; Alicia Silverstone; Aaron Eckhart; Kevin Connolly; Elisabeth ShueDavid Spade; Michael Rapaport; Wentworth Miller; BJ Novak; Justin Chambers; Avril Lavigne; Tommy Chong; Kyle Howard and Robert Patrick Benedict.

· Took my lady to the Arcade Fire show at the Greek Theatre 5/29/07. We had back row seats but the staff were looking to fill the pit with people by way of Birthdays. So happens we were able to finagle our way down as her B-day was last Thursday. Anyway, as the headliner got started I noticed the familiar face of Gwyneth Paltrow (sans Chris Martin) enjoying the show right next to my girlfriend. Just so happens she is her favorite all-time actor/fashionista so I had to take some unauthorized (crappy) pictures through the night. (See above.) We asked for a real one at the end of show but she didn't want attention brought to her. She was very sweet to my gal and even wrapped her arm around her. She still is in dreamland meeting her icon.
Also saw Jack Black and I said to him that I enjoyed his film and he replied with a nice handshake. A terrific performance made for a memorable night!

· -Friday (05/25) 9:00pm. Spotted Tim Burton's oompa loompa-muse Deep Roy in the pub drinking a martini at Ye Olde King's Head in Santa Monica. At first I thought it was Weng Weng.

-Sunday (05/27) 10:00pm. Robert Downey Jr. at Toi in Santa Monica with two teenage boys and a woman. Dressed casually, very low-key.

· I just saw steve martin leaving the newsroom on robertson alone with a newspaper under his arm. I like him. This was a tough tip to report though because it means that I have had to first accept and then move beyond the shame of being on robertson blvd in the first place for I am way too hip for that :(

· Saw Steve Martin last night (5/23) at Orso or as my friend said, "an old man masquerading as Steve Martin." IMDB tells us that Martin will turn 62 this year, so actually, he looked pretty good - sitting at a table in a brown jacket with what I believed to be an age-appropriate dinner date and then another couple about the same age. For someone so animated in the movies, in real life he moved like an over-60 man with that famous white hair looking just a little old-man thinned and combed-over. No, I couldn't tell if he was drinking Vin de Idaho through a straw or if he asked the waiter if he could "smell the bottle cap," so I'll just assume that's how it played out.

· Saturday May 26th- Stevie Wonder dining at Mauro's Cafe in Fred Segal/Ron Herman Melrose. I immediately recognized his long and lustrous dreadlocks and knew it was The Stevie Wonder. He was dining in the corner of the restaurant with a group of people at around 5pm.

· I was wondering what was up with the two yet-to-be-occupied seats on the full flight Saturday (5/26) from DC Dulles to LAX. But once we were all seated STEVIE WONDER got on the plane accompanied by his valet. (Thank goodness I'd horded frequent flier miles to fly first class.) To be in the presence for a few hours of a genius of his super awesome stature and all around amazingness made me feel er, too high (too many bad puns all around). As my dad says, there are celebrity sightings, and then there's sitting one row away from Stevie friggin' Wonder. He fell asleep asap and was catching flies the whole flight; I was worried that my crying baby would wake him. When we got to the gate his valet immediately escorted him over to the restroom where he remained while most other folks — who didn't notice him to begin with — de-planed.

Today at the Hollywood Farmers Market we spotted a haggard Alicia Silverstone. Hmm, yawn.

· Apparently, the stars were out in full force this past Memorial Day weekend, as was I, but I guess I just missed them. Here's who I did see on Sun., 5/27. Aaron Eckhart looked hot strolling along Robertson with an unidentifiable, pretty brunette. Just back from shooting Entourage goes to Cannes, Kevin Connolly looked a little antsy wandering around BLD until his party showed up - 2 hip-looking, non-famous chicks.

· Thurs 5/24: Saw onetime harried babysitter and Vegas-hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold Elisabeth Shue at LAX on Thursday night, experiencing some kind of delay at the front of the security line. Luckily, the situation was resolved without her having to send her baby through the x-ray machine to prove that it was no threat to other passengers' safety.

· Saw David Spade last night (5/24) at Stone Fire Pizza on La Cienega. He was walking to the back door with a to-go bag, alone. He looked tired and dirty.

· Saw the king of "whack white boy" cameos, Michael Rapaport at the post office on Fairfax just north of Santa Monica yesterday (5/29). Big, tall guy whose curly hair now just kind of frames a large bald spot on the top of his head. He was buying tons of stamps - five sheets of the new "Star Wars" ones and then about a dozen more sheets of some other kind. A somewhat crazy-sounding woman in line called out to him as he left, "Hey - I'm a really big fan of yours." Rapaport turned and thanked her, sincerely it sounded like, with a smile and headed out. Seemed pretty high energy, but nice. I think the postal employee waiting on him was amused by who had shown up at her window. Saw him in a Sundance movie last year called "Special" that he was actually pretty good in, but it was the kind of festival-only movie that'll probably never again see the light of day.

· On Saturday, May 26 and again on Memorial Day, spotted a very handsome and wet Wentworth Miller at the Hollywood Y. I think he was just emerging from the pool. Unlike other celebrity sightings, he did not disappoint. Tall and handsome.

· BJ Novak (aka Ryan the Temp) at the top of Runyon Canyon Monday afternoon. He was with a guy friend, and I guess now that he's going to be Michael Scott's boss he really is king of the world.

· 5/24 Runyon Canyon: Dr. Alex Karev himself (Justin Chambers) making his way down the main road with a male friend. He's got a cute little buddha belly thing going on.

· Saw Avril Lavigne and a bunch of band-member-looking types waiting for valet outside Geisha House Thursday night (5/24). She was wearing a hooded sweatshirt, short skirt, and too much eyeliner, for those who care. I was walking my dog and she ran up to pet it, then jokingly/not-jokingly accused me of buying him to pick up girls. (Couldn't really argue since I was walking a five-month-old puppy past a night club at 10:30 at night.) No sign of Deryck.

· 5/26/07, 4:30 p.m.: Here's a great one for the 12 or 13 straight guys who read Defamer: Shannon Tweed, the top-loaded blonde centerfold and soft-core skin-flick pioneer who later spit out Gene Simmons' kids, was in line alone at the WeHo Pinkberry, keeping it together in a black top, tight jeans, red lipstick and big glasses. From 10 feet away, the facelift looked like an outstanding investment; she's 50, according to IMDB, and would pass for 35 anywhere outside WeHo. She could definitely still play a tough-but-tender district attorney who falls in hot-monkey-sex love with a mysterious record producer who just might be the prime suspect in her cop ex-husband's investigation of a series of kinky stripper murders. One guy at Pinkberry noticed her and said hello, probably thanking her on behalf of his right hand during those lonely nights in high school. She got her medium yogurt-related food substance with blueberries and drove away in a silver Mercedes.

· 4/21/07 AirTran flight ATL to LAX (cheap! and XM radio)
Business Class (it was $80 more and you don't have to mix with the masses— they makes Southwest clientele look high end)
Tommy Chong with his hot blond late 40ish wife with sad hairstyle (honey, a bun with huge swaths of your long front hair left out "to frame your face" was never really a "do").
She requested in a "see who we are" way to have someone move so they could sit together. Tommy, said nothing and followed obediently and sat when she told him.

He is looking old - totally white hair, and beard paired with Hawaiian shirt, Dockers and birks with socks! (ick), but virile and sinewy arms— at baggage claim he was last seen hefting all sorts of luggage onto a self service baggage cart and then pushing the overloaded cart into the night. Wifey was no where to be seen.

· Saturday, 5/26 Sunset 5 Theatre, Kyle Howard and his mom showing the love for former Grosse Point co-star Lindsay Sloan at the 7:10pm showing of The TV Set. How cute, taking the moms out for a date on a Saturday night.

· I saw Robert Patrick Benedict from Felicity checking out his old castmate Keri Russell's film "Waitress" at the Arclight this past Saturday.

In one scene, Inspector Clouseau — determined to bed an international pop star played by Beyonce Knowles — broke into a New York pharmacy and stole Viagra, which then visibly took effect under his clothes. In another, a woman knelt in front of Clouseau to measure him for new clothes. "You have quite a long in-seam," she said, sliding a tape measure up his thigh. [...]

Out went the Viagra-stealing scene. Instead, a new riff was assembled from existing footage and added shots: Martin visits Beyonce at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel, ducks into the bathroom and realizes his flaming cocktail has lighted his hair on fire. In the commotion, he loses an unidentified blue pill down the drain, the room becomes a blazing inferno and Martin ends up falling through the floor and landing behind the hotel's reservation desk. [...]

In another scene, Clouseau's partner (played by Jean Reno) walks in on what appears to be the Inspector humping [Emily] Mortimer from behind. In fact, Clouseau is administering the Heimlich maneuver to dislodge an egg caught in her throat (when he succeeds, the egg pops out of her mouth and flies out the window, hitting a cyclist in the street below).

In the end, however, the $21.7 million Panther took in is a reward that pales in comparison to the invaluable service the studio performed for adults. The next time a five-year-old stumbles upon her parents engaged in a vigorous act of doggystyling congress, they can easily dismiss the potentially scarring tableaux as Daddy helping Mommy extricate a foreign body jammed in her esophagus.

• Taming the New 'Pink Panther' [LAT]
• Previously: Movie Execs Admit They’re Making Crap, Part The Third: Sony’s Introspection [Defamer]