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Steve Guttenberg launched the initial shot in the seventeenth annual Upper West Side food fight in New York City on Thursday afternoon. Although, it appears that the Cocoon star appeared to be the only participant in the weekend long food fight. After pelting him with a banana, Guttenberg told the photog that he was "It" and now had to tag somebody else before the weekend was finished. While the food fight has been going on for seventeen years, Guttenberg has high hopes that this will be the event's breakout year. Guttenberg said, "The past few years, it's just been my agent and myself throwing Girl Scout Cookies back and forth at each other. This year, I think we can do better than that. I know that we can do better than that."

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

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Former Dancing With The Stars contestant Steve Guttenberg snapped in New York on Wednesday afternoon. A photographer asked if Guttenberg had any insight on the recent split between his former Dancing co-star Karina Smirnoff and Mario Lopez. Guttenberg said that he didn't really get to know many of the other dancers on the show since he was voted off fairly on in the series. The photographer backed off for a minute, then asked if Guttenberg had any scoop on his former Veronica Mars co-star Kristen Bell's romance with comedic actor Dax Shepard. The photographer kept on pressing the issue until Guttenberg introduced his close friend, "Righty McSledgeHammer", into the situation.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

We are most excited about Steve Guttenberg's involvement, whose stream-of-batshit-consciousness ramblings in recent years suggest to us that the rapidly unraveling '80s screen titan will lend an element of must-see-insanity to the proceedings. Hairspray star Marissa Jaret Winokur has also signed on, with many pinning their hopes on the plus-sized firecracker to finally integrate America's last segregated reality show. In the role of Most Inspiring Absence formerly occupied by Heather Mills's left leg, we have Oscar-winner Marlee Matlin's hearing. Penn Jillette, Priscilla Presley, Adam Carolla, Shannon Elizabeth, Monica Seles, Cristian De La Fuente, Kristi Yamaguchi, Miami Dolphin Jason Taylor, and someone named Mario (not Lopez, we think; he already had his chance) round out the group.

• Dancing with the Stars: Announcing

· Now that Tom Cruise's team of genetic technicians have successfully engineered a baby molecularly stable enough to stay constituted for the duration of a major magazine photo shoot, they've moved on to bigger challenges, like manipulating the genes that have allowed Katie Holmes to grow a full foot since the beginning of September. [via CityRag]
· "Sexiest Woman Alive" Scarlett Johansson laments that her internal organs don't attract the same kind of attention as her most conspicuous external features.
Who says that comic book fans have too much time on their hands? [via BoingBoing]
Don't miss Wonkette's compelling coverage of the revelations that Rep. Mark Foley might be a Pedophile-American. Especially this post, with YouTube of ABC's Brian Ross narrating a disturbing IM exchange.
· Tomorrow is National Steve Guttenberg Day! It's probably too late to Netflix yourself a mini Guttenberg film festival, but here are some other suggestions on ways to celebrate.

"I'm doing something, it's actually called 'Jew Fever.' It's this kind of a cool Hallmark show that I think is going to be sort of a... it's actually coming from the Right, but it's really cool. It's about this family, you know. They live in Ohio and they're farmers and pretty conservative, pretty right wing and this Jew comes in, actually comes in from space. I guess he lands on some sort of ... I don't know exactly what the story is. I just thumbed through it. I wasn't able to bring the script home. But I guess this Martian, sort of like 'Mork & Mindy,' he lands in their backyard, big like 'Superman' thing, and they run out there and they pop open this egg, and this little Jew jumps out. Now I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not very Jew-y looking. I'm sort of semi-Jew-y looking. I could be maybe Italian? You know, in the right position? But I could be Jew-y too. So I come out and I look kind of Jew-y..."

There is much, much more of it, far too much to excerpt here. And while it's all suitably wacky, there are only so many times you can watch Officer Mahoney besmirch Lt. Mauser with poo before you start to feel like they're just going through the feces-smearing motions to collect a paycheck.

• The World Needs Steve Guttenberg Now More Than Ever [Zap2It]
• The Guttenberg Returneth: F You, I'm Rich [Defamer]
• The Guttenberg Cometh [Defamer]

You had a string of hits in the 1980s. What have you been up to lately?
There are 100,000 actors in the Screen Actors Guild. Only 2,000 of them make more than $75,000 (£42,000) a year. That means 98,000 actors make less than $75,000 a year. From 1980 to 1990, I shot more films than any other actor in the Screen Actors Guild apart from Gene Hackman. Everyone keeps asking me that stupid question: "What are you doing?" I say: "Why do I need to do anything? I'm rich." Do you want me to be poor again? Do you want me to go back to making tomato soup out of ketchup and water? Or would you like me to be a multimillionaire and be rewarded for all the entertainment I gave you for all those years? I'm enjoying life now. If I was a plumber and I'd done the most plumbing jobs between 1980 and 1990, everyone would be saying: "What a great plumber" - he says "f**k you to the world and he's enjoying himself." But for some reason, as an actor, you're not allowed to say: "I'm f**king rich, bro."

If you're so rich, why do you work at all any more?
I love the fame and the money and the power. You have to keep working to have that. Listen to Hugh Grant. He freaking hates acting but he still works to have the money, fame and power. If he didn't work, they'd forget about him - and when he arrived at a restaurant, a new Hugh Grant would have the best table. Fame, money and power: that's why people become actors, directors or producers. They love the juice. I don't care who you are. I'm sure if you dig deep, Joe and Ralph Fiennes do it because they want to be noticed. It's great to see people liking my work but [sigh] I'm just saying what the truth is.

Thanks, it makes a change.

I'm not going to say "I'm an actor and I'm changing the world." Ewan McGregor - who cares? God bless you, Ewan, you're cute and adorable but just do your job. Jude Law, Sean Penn, any of these guys, they'll tell you they're not doing it for free.

Amen, The Güt. Amen.

• Steve Guttenberg [Metro UK]
• The Guttenberg Cometh [Defamer]
• The Guttenberg Cometh, Part The Second: World History And Hijacked Families [Defamer]

Has Steve Gutenberg been in a cryogenic freeze chamber since the 1980s? Czechoslovakia hasn't been a country since Cocoon: The Return.

Indeed, the Velvet Divorce, in which Czechoslovakia split into Slovakia and the Czech Republic, occurred in 1993. Guttenberg also said that he was attacked by fire ants on the set of The Poseidon Adventure and that he employs "four or five women" to warm his bed, claims that went unchallenged by the record-correcting readers. But as long as we're splitting hairs, the last movie Guttenberg starred in while Czechoslovakia was a country was Three Men and a Little Lady.

After the jump, another reader's (totally unverified, but nonetheless fun) secondhand tale of how The Goot (other acceptable spellings: The Gutte, The Güt, The Goethe) hijacked a spot within a Long Island family. Enjoy.

My friend's parents own an independent movie theater on Long Island and he premiered a film there a couple summers ago. The Gutte started hanging out with my friend's parents... dinner, movies, sailing, everything. They were inseparable, but to the point the my friend was getting ditched hardcore by her own parents. One night, her whole family was attending this big annual Gala for people in the indie-film industry. My friend and her sister arrive at the event only to find that The Gutte and The Gutte's sister took her and her sister's seats at the table with her family. My friend and her sister had to stand the whole time and then eat their dinner in the hallway!! Fuckin Gutte.

• The Guttenberg Cometh [Defamer]

Steve. Fucking. Guttenberg. Zap2it.com followed around The Erstwhile Officer Mahoney (disclaimeth the Zappers: "While Guttenberg's wisdom may produce laughter, its reproduction in this space isn't meant to imply that the 'Zeus and Roxanne' thespian was stoned, inebriated or otherwise out of his gourd at the NBC party." Riiiiight.) and dutifully recorded his wisdom for posterity:

Guttenberg on accidents on the "Poseidon" set:
There was a time when my chair wasn't near the catering table. My chair was near the camera, where I don't like to be. And I stamped my foot in a fire ant mountain and there were fire ants and I got bit ... You've gotta eat them before they eat you.

Guttenberg on a much-desired "Three Men and a Little Lady" sequel:
It's actually called 'Steve and a 16-year-old' and it'll only work in Kentucky.

Guttenberg on keeping the common touch:
I think about the little people. Not often. I spend most of my time with the people who work with me — the woman who brushes my teeth, the man who puts on my shoes, my bedwarmers — I have four or five women who sleep in my bed from 7 until 9 and then at 9:05 I ask them to leave and I go right in bed and it's snuggly.

Guttenberg on other reasons he may be been hidden from the public eye:
I don't not work because I'm rich. I don't work because I live In Czechoslovakia. It's just such a tough commute. It's the commute that kills you. To get here for a 6 a.m. call from Czechoslovakia, I have get up at around 3. I have to go to sleep at around 6. It's the traffic over the Bermuda Triangle that's really bad. Other than that it's pretty smooth. I take side streets.

If you're looking for us for the next couple of days, we'll be busy carving every last word of this poetry into granite and installing Guttenberg's Code in our living room.

• Finding Wisdom in Steve Guttenberg's Bible [Zap2it.com]