Oh dear God. Porcelain sex robot Chace Crawford will be Ren McCormack. Though Zac Efron was long ago maybe going to star in the upcoming Footloose, he backed out because, you know, no homo. So the Gossip Girl actor has now been cast and the whole movie has sprung a leak. [Variety]

Oh, good. The up-and-coming young actress Melissa Leo has been cast in David O. Russell's The Fighter, playing Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale's moms. [Variety]

Jackass Chris Pontius has just been called up to the artsy leagues. He'll play a role in auteur Sofia Coppola's new movie Somewhere. Playing the lead in that movie about a fried-out rock 'n roller living at the Chateau Marmont? None other than our old, long-lost friend Stephen Dorff. Good for him. Elle Fanning is also in it. So. [THR]

Lostie Matthew Fox has left ICM for the new mega-agency WME, forged in the volcanic fires of William Morris and Endeavor's god-like lovemaking. So hopefully for Fox this means less Speed Racer and Vantage Point and more, well... anything else. [Variety]

Good news for those of you helplessly addicted to those wonderful crystals, those glassy things that burn and smolder and give you energy and keep you up for hours, and are dangerous in that "I'm alive!" kind of way. No, Ricky your meth dealer hasn't figured out the science from Breaking Bad ("I want blue meth like the TV, and I want it now.") It's just that Robert Pattinson's sparkly vampire skin diamonds will be twinkling for a fourth Twilight movie. Aren't you happy? [THR]

Huh. Benjamin Bratt's dirge-like A&E drama The Cleaner has been picked up for a second season. So, well, that's nice. [Variety]

And it gets better: Stephen Dorff stars as the amnesiac could-be assassin, with Val Kilmer appearing as the mercenary pursuing him. They started filming way back in April, when Bristol Palin was still unseeded and Mike Huckabee was the biggest thorn in McCain's side. The Peacock has all the luck these days! Anyway, for now, XIII is still on for an unspecified date later this fall — much later.

• 'XIII' [NBC via Chexydecimal]

It's Jeremy Piven vs. Stephen Dorff, round two. The Entourage actor and the pint-size Blade star were both at the Public Enemies wrap party at Bon V lounge in Chicago the other night. "They had a bit of a tiff," said our spy. "Dorff was p - - - ed because it was 'his' wrap party and he thought Piven crashed it."

Dorff has a role in Public Enemies and Piven was in Chicago, his hometown, for a fund-raiser. In 2006, we reported the two had a screaming match at Bungalow 8 after Dorff cut in front of Piven in the bathroom line and Piven called him a "has-been." Piven's rep confirmed they were both at the party, but said they "did not interact."

We've since learned that both accounts are true, with a tense reunion outside the VIP-section velvet rope defused by their mutual disgust of the bouncer's earnest urge to "hug it out, fellas" — preferably somewhere over by the cash bar with the foley interns.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images / WireImage]

• Grow Up, Guys [NYP]

• Dorff The Web: I'm Hungry!! [Junkiness]

If you insist on knowing the complicated interpersonal dynamics that resulted in the answering machine death threat left by amusingly uncensored rageoholic Stephen Dorff, here they are: He is quite cross that Steve-O, a person who obtained his fame through a cable television program, stole his model girlfriend, an utterly unacceptable, caste-defying affront to the manhood of a self-professed movie star. (The offense is surely compounded by the fact that the woman chose a performer from the crude, genital-bludgeoning arts over someone who practices his craft at its most rarefied levels.) It's not hard to imagine that Dorff brings the same kind of passion to his professional endeavors, clogging his agent's voicemail box with nearly identical death threats following disappointing lunch meetings with producers obviously not interested in employing him.

• Steve-O Death Threat [Break.com

In this week's episode: Luke Wilson; Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones; Heath Ledger; Jake Gyllenhaal; Salma Hayek; Kate Beckinsale; Kiefer Sutherland; Jessica Simpson; Stephen Dorff and Lisa Rinna; Cindy Crawford; Steve Martin; Jenny McCarthy; Chloe Sevigny; Nicollette Sheridan; Traci Lords; Jason Lee; David Schwimmer and Cheech Marin; Eric Roberts; Joey Slotnick; Steven Page and Dax Shepherd; Master P. and Danny Bonaduce.

· sighting on saturday afternoon 6/17... luke wilson and his girlfriend politely cutting in line in front of us at neptune's net in malibu. it appeared to be a quick pit stop to pick up two cans of bud light. they got the two cans and walked out the restaurant. a minute later luke walked back in and asked the bus boy if he had seen his 'girlfriend' and is describing her physical appearance when she pops up behind him (she was apparently using the icky port-a-potty bathroom facilities at neptune's net that not even i could bear). the two immediately hopped into his porche and drove away, bud light in tow. not sure if the two cans were for the road or for a romantic light domestic toast on the beach.

· i had lunch at la piazza at the grove in los angeles on saturday june 17 around noon. sitting directly behind me? michael douglas and catherine zeta-jones plus their two kids. I did not turn around to gawk, but did hear them talking from time to time. a friend at my table said that catherine stepped away to take a call at one point and left michael with the kids. they had a time trying to get the kids to eat and apparently michael put one of the kids on his lap and tried to get the kid to eat some pizza. i only saw them as they exited the restaurant. michael was wearing a purple polo shirt, khakis, sunglasses and had the beginnings of a beard. He carried one of their children out of the restaurant. catherine was low-key in a tank top, long flowing skirt... had her hair pulled back in a bun, no make-up that i could tell, and sunglasses. i probably would not have recognized them if i'd seen them somewhere else. our service was a little slow since most of the servers were dividing their time between gawking at the aforementioned family and the world cup match on the television upstairs. they were the only celebs I spotted while in LA, but hey, at least they were A-list!

· Saw Heath Ledger at the West Hollywood Pavillions on his way out, thanking someone for a compliment he had obviously received. Not as short as I had expected, maybe 5' 10", with an absolutely flawless golden complexion, blond hair and a "I'm really a nice guy, but please don't recognize me" sort of look on him (Unlike the patented Piven "You're a nobody, don't look at me" thing).

· Sunday June 18: Saw Jake Gyllenhaal at the weekly Hollywood Farmers Market at Selma and Ivar. He was being stalked by two overweight photographers with telephoto lenses. He turned tail and ran when he saw them.

· I grabbed a glass of wine by the bar at Café Stella in Silver Lake Wednesday night (6-21), where about half the time, you'll spot someone famous. That night, it was Salma Hayek at a corner table, in the midst of an intense discussion with her three male companions. About what, who knows—life, love, art, monobrows—at least that's what I imagine Salma Hayek talks about.

· Kate Beckinsale getting back to her British roots at the Kings Head pub in Santa Monica on Saturday. Weren't there rumblings her and hubbie Len Wiseman were on the rocks? She looked pretty happy hanging with him, her daughter and some random and I don't think she's a good enough actress to have been faking it...

· I saw Kiefer Sutherland & a lady friend yesterday (6/18) at the Mayfair Market at Franklin & Bronson. He was on the deli aisle when I came in & still there when I left 15 minutes later.

· Tuesday - Jessica Simpson walking in Beverly Hills. Flat, pancake butt. At T-Mobile party that night, magically had round, pronounced butt. She must wear "butt pads/silicone butt inserts" as worn in Daisy Dukes in Dukes of Hazzard.

She and two sycophantic girl friends at The Griddle on Sunset. Small frame, giant head and MASSIVE BOOBS, each one bigger than her already large head. I don't know what they were talking about at the table, but for someone with a reputation for being dumb, Jessica seemed able to keep up with the entire conversation.

· Lisa Rinna from Dancing with the Stars and friend having dinner at Nobu in Malibu on Wednesday 6/14, across from them at another table was Stephen Dorff with older random people eating as well.

· Wilshire, just east of Robertson. A BLS BMW 7-Series idles in front of slightly-vampiric skin guru Christina Radu's office (I've seen that woman up close and it looks likes she drinks blood, and it looks like its good for her skin). A tall woman of a certain age steps from the door and toward the car, Greek fishing hat, low rider jeans, small t-shirt. The face looks familiar, pretty, no make-up and has that reddish "I've just been worked over" swelling and flush. It takes a minute, and then its "that's Cindy Crawford." Wow, she looks pretty good for post-facial, no make-up, broad daylight. Into the car and off she goes. Maybe to get ready for the Playboy party she never got
into at her husband's bar...

· Was at Franklin Canyon reservoir and who should drive up but Steve Martin! He looked plain as can be in a white Lexus. I must have looked ridiculous openly staring at him but what can you do, it's STEVE MARTIN! He was ready to go mountain biking apparently. Looked good for his age. He smiled nicely at my irritating stare — and as I walked away I could hear people shouting "Steve Martin! We love you!" His small car was quite different from the usual big black shiny Merc. His head is really big.

Saw Jenny McCarthy at the Whole Foods on Riverside. She had her sunglasses on, no makeup, with her tyke in the shopping cart. This was before the Jim Carrey tongue pics. She looked hot, even with no makeup and sweats. Not the greatest skin, however. Cute kid.

· Leaving the Pet Store in Victor's Square (Bronson and Franklin) at about 4PM Sunday and spot Chloe Sevigny walking into the local dry cleaner. She's wearing a very "Chloe" outfit - gray 80s, asymmetrical lycra top a la Danskin with bold graphic black and white striped mid thigh shorts. No make-up. Showing bold nipples on small low slung breasts. She leaves the dry cleaner and gets into a green Land Rover Discovery, a very "Darian, Connecticut" car. Not a hybrid, not really "bling." Hmmm,

· I was driving home up in the Hills of Beachwood, lamenting (property values aside) what the rise of Hollywood and Vine has done to the neighborhood (making it into what Sunset Plaza was in the mid-90s), and noticed a purple (!) Lamborghini Gallardo parked two doors down. I make a mental note that this is really proving my point. As I get closer, I see that the entire right side is smashed, one end to another. Closer still, I see a front plate made of duct tape and custom H.I.M logos painted on the car and go "fuck, its that Bam Margera loser, hope he's just visiting..." Over the next two days, I see the car three more times in the 'hood. Not a good sign. As Johnny Knoxville lives about a mile up, it sadly makes sense that BAM might be living here now... Ugh!

· Monday, June 18 Nicollette Sheridan and friends munching from a brown box of Cmpartes Cocolates next door on the patio of Srtino restaurant in Bentwood.

· 6/20 Traci Lords at Sport Chalet in the Beverly Connection. She was sort of hiding as I complained to them for not letting me make a $5 purchase with my AmEx and only a xerox of my driver's license. She was very conservatively dressed.

· 6/16, around 6:30pm, was driving west on Sunset Blvd. to get to the Arclight. We were driving behind a nice, shiny new Porsche. My girlfriend noticed it, and said it looked like a spy car. As we switched to the left turn lane, we passed next to it and peeked at the driver. It was Jason Lee (My Name Is Earl), with a neatly trimmed beard, looking a little better in person than on the show.

· Spotted both David Schwimmer and Cheech Marin on AA 1364 from LAX to Chicago Thursday 6/8. Schwim was inconspicuous in an electric blue track jacket and Cheech rocked the aviator sunglasses while reading US Weekly. They sat in the same row (5) but not next to each other. David also had to go to the bathroom frequently.

· Saw Eric Roberts walking towards the bike path in the Palisades on Sunday, coming from one of those all exclusive lunch places. Had to tone down the boyfriend when he said, "Oh, is he related to Julia Roberts??" and I said, "Sssh, he might here you." He looks great though. Purple trunks, nice bod and seemed pretty chill.

· Saw JOEY SLOTNICK walking down Larchmont this morning, Thursday June 22. He was carrying a coffee, bottle of water, and a newspaper. That's pretty much all I have to report. Except to say, if you have friends or relatives in from out of town and they really want to see a "star", take them to Larchmont in the mornings, especially weekends. Hang around the Starbucks/Sam's Bagel/Coffee Bean vicinity and you're virtually guaranteed a B or C level celebrity sighting of the Joey Slotnick variety.

· Tuesday June 20 around 12:30pm-

Steven Page, the lead singer of Barenaked Ladies eating lunch with a pal at Mel's Diner on Sunset Blvd.

Tuesday June 20 around 12:45pm-

Dax Shepherd, sporting a terrible looking mohawk (which hopefully is for a movie role) and a pal eating lunch at Mel's Diner on Sunset Blvd.

· I saw Master P., with large entourage in tow, at the Bed Bath and Beyond in West LA on Sunday 6/18. I was dying to see what totally mundane, normal thing he brought 15 people with him to buy ("Come on, dogs, get in the Escalade. I need a panini press, yo.") but we were left before I could see. He's really tall and his feet are size of canoes. No wonder he sucked on that dancing show.

· Saturday 2pm - Danny Bonaduce on his Harley at the corner of Franklin & Argyle. The people in the car next to him rolled down their window to say something complimentary. He said thanks and gave them a big smile before pulling away.

He confessed that, when he was a kid, he loved wearing woman's clothes and watching girls put their make-up on.

"Since I was a young boy, I always loved watching ladies get ready," he said.

"I figure I would have been gay or asexual, if I didn't want women the way I do." [...]

"I'm amazed that I haven't had a baby yet after years of being drunk and wild in nightclubs at 4am," he confessed...

That Dorff, who once thrilled audiences playing cross-dressing Factory worker Candy Darling in I Shot Andy Warhol, admitted to a fondness for frilly underthings and possessing a sure-handedness with an eyebrow pencil should come as no surprise. Still, announcing to the world that one used to delight in sliding around the living room in one's mother's high heels can sometimes come off sounding a tad off-key to the rest of the guys in one's club-hopping pussy patrol, so we can hardly blame Dorff for backtracking with his closing "I love chicks and chick stuff so much, I can't believe I haven't knocked up every single one of the over 2000 broads I've banged to orgasm throughout the years!" disclaimer.

• Stephen's Gay Surprise [Sky.com via Queerty]

"Jeremy throws his arm out to stop him and says, 'No, no, no. You are going to wait in line like the rest of us, you privileged, spoon-fed son of a bitch.' Then Piven turns to the long line of people who are all watching and asks, 'Anyone wanna see this guy cut the line?' People shake their heads no. Dorff starts making threats and gets in Piven's face. Piven doesn't move an inch - in fact he laughs and taunts him with a chuckle and says, 'What are you gonna do? You're nothing, baby! Nothing'...

Dorff was fuming and his face was turning red. Dorff started to say something about 'having class' and how Piven just made a huge mistake because he has some very powerful friends. Dorff leaves him with this gem: 'You are done, see you in line for my next movie.' "

By that, Dorff was undoubtedly referring to his 14th*-billed turn in the upcoming World Trade Center, a two-scene tour de force that is already garnering much buzz as a cameo to watch come awards season. Despite his bold, trash-talking claims that his club-monkey foe was "nothing, baby," Piven must have at that moment known in his heart that his career would forever be outshone by the megastar hand-picked by Oliver Stone to play "Doomed NYPD Tower 2 Cop #6."

*Or more precisely, fifth, according to the poster.

• TAKE TWO ON TOILET TANGLE [NY Post]

Piven: "Yo, what are you doing? You know you don't need to cut the line!"

Dorff: "I can do what I want!"

Piven: "No, you can't!"

Dorff: "Yes, I can!"

Piven: "You're a has-been!"

Dorff: "At least I am a movie star - you're only on TV! Cable TV!"

The last comment caused Piven to scream expletives, and security guards were called before the two could come to blows.

A witness said, "Jeremy, who actually had a table, was shoved into a bathroom by security and left shortly after. And Dorff, who was in the standing-only section, kept hanging around all night telling anyone who would listen, 'I am going to kick Jeremy Piven's ass!' It was hilarious."

Dorff ended up at 5 a.m. at Scores West, telling strippers, "I'm a movie star - you should want to sleep with me," according to one member of his entourage.

Dorff's scene-stealing cameo is a great example of what we love most about Entourage: the way stars are willing to lampoon their public images as selfish, egomaniacal assholes as a way of satirizing the shallowness of Hollywood. We can't wait for the new season.

See also: Jeremy Piven conducts a master class on how to pick up Eastern European models.

• ACTORS ACT LIKE SCHOOL JERKS [Page Six]
• Piven only too happy to pick up the Czech [NY Daily News]