That millennial milestone may be nearer than any of us thought: A documentary called The People Vs. George Lucas issued a teaser late Tuesday, foreshadowing the promise of a unified front against Lucas as well as a preview of the complex defense he may mount. He may not have a chance against evidence this damning, however, from Jar-Jar Binks to expert testimony ("If you wanna fix something, fix Howard the Duck") and other corroborating witnesses from fanboy culture. Assuming the precedent of $4 billion class action lawsuits stands, expect ambitious lawyers to circle the doc as a potential gold mine upon its release next year. Just as long as we get our share of the settlement, we're in.

• 'The People Vs. George Lucas' Teaser [YouTube]

E! notes today that George Lucas has sold his blessing to Star Wars: A Musical Journey, which will premiere next year in London with the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra providing accompaniment to series excerpts screened in chronological order — from The Phantom Menace to Return of the Jedi. The bad news: No Clone Wars, and thus no showstopping Ziro the Hutt number. The good news: Reports also cite the inclusion of "a Stormtrooper kick line and singing Wookiees [accompanying] John Williams' Oscar-winning score."

While that may not sound good (or even legitimate), we must keep hope alive that Journey may yet provide a new generation with a conflagration similar to the Star Wars Holiday Special — that infamous 1978 spectacle so exhaustively explored today by VF's Frank DiGiacomo:

[When Bruce] Vilanch heard Lucas’s storyline at a development meeting at Smith and Hemion’s L.A. offices, he quickly realized that a “big challenge” lay ahead. Lucas was intent on building The Star Wars Holiday Special, as it would be called, around Wookiees — specifically, the family of Chewbacca, Han Solo’s shaggy sidekick, as they outwitted Imperial forces to come together on Life Day, the Wookiee equivalent of Christmas. Suddenly, Vilanch says, the special was in danger of looking like “one long episode of Lassie.”

“I said: ‘You’ve chosen to build a story around these characters who don’t speak. The only sound they make is like fat people having an orgasm,’” the 250-plus-pound Vilanch recalls. “In fact, I told Lucas he could just leave a tape recorder in my bedroom and I’d be happy to do all the looping and Foley work for him.”

The Musical Journey producers, meanwhile, insist you can expect a little more class in 2009. Translation: Ms. Fisher, your agent's holding.

• The Han Solo Comedy Hour! [VF.com]

• Cue the Ewoks, Star Wars Hits the Stage [E!]

She was there to plug her latest "I took lots of drugs and alcohol and married a gay dude" memoir, Enter Drinking. (Wait, that's not it. Up, No Olives? It'll come to us eventually.) Seriously—how did this seismic, evolutionary species reassignment come to pass, and do the universe's laws of equilibrium require that the slug-like crime lord now be cavorting by some Tatooinian resort pool in a bikini?

After the jump, Fisher talks about taking acid with Cary Grant or something.

• Today Show [NBC]

Green conceived the story for The Freshman with Hugh Sterbakov, who penned the title with an assist from illustrator Leonard Kirk; Green and Sterbakov are currently scripting the film. Set on a socially stratified college campus, the Top Cow series follows the misadventures of a group of dejected students who acquire peculiar abilities after a lab mishap irradiates them.

io9: How did you decide The Freshmen would make a good movie?
Seth Green: Hugh and I conceived this a couple years ago as a film. What we found was the marketplace at the time was really unreceptive to comic-book properties. X-Men had just come out, and people were still hesitant to believe that a comic book could translate cause it had so much baggage [plot-wise]. So we had an opportunity to make a comic, and we said, “Well, fuck it. Let’s just entrench it in the marketplace.” Although the movie actually will be different than the book.

io9: It would have to be. First of all, there would be a whole lot of vomit.
Green: [Laughs] You know, honestly, Elwood [who can intoxicate others when he’s drunk] remains largely unchanged. He’s got it hard because he’s a straight-A dude who doesn’t really indulge in anything, and his views are so conservative. And the one night that he tries something new, like lets his hair down [by getting drunk], he gets fucked for life.

io9: So how will the movie be different from the book?
Green: The kids aren’t going to wear costumes, obviously. Except for Paula [who can enchant anyone into falling in love with her] and [the group’s powerless leader] Norrin. Cause Paula makes her costume, and Norrin—the costume’s all he’s got. We also had to eliminate characters just for the sake of telling a story in the most concise way. I don’t want to really talk about who, but it’s a heartbreaking thing to do.

io9: Is Ray, whose superpower is essentially having a huge penis, going to stay?
Green: Oh yeah. What I’m touching on are these personalities, and what happens to kids and where they’re coming from and what they go through. And how they become who they are. And that kid, that path—oh my gosh! All I can say is it’s gonna be heartbreaking.

io9: Not to be crass, but I just have visions of Boogie Nights.
Green: It’ll never be that graphic. But he does use it as a weapon. You know, it’s long and indestructible. [Laughs] I mean, there’s a protective sheath constructed for him.

io9: Clearly, this is an R-rated movie!
Green: Yeah, definitely. Your college experience should be rated R.

io9: Will the movie cover the origin story told in volume one, which also touches on the mad scientist’s evil plot?
Green: Essentially. So much of what works well in a comic won’t work well in a movie. So thematically we’re just addressing it. The Beaver [a character who’s turned into the animal] is prominent in the film, but I don’t know that we’ll get into that dam.

io9: You’ve said you’re looking at a $35 million budget.
Green: Hey, it’s all estimations. We haven’t budgeted the script or anything like that. But I know that I need this Beaver to exist in real life. And I know that’s gonna be expensive computer-generated graphics, over like 15 percent of the film. This isn’t an effects driven movie, though. This is a character-driven movie.

io9: Sort of like a purgatory tale.
Green: It’s similar to that. We do play it for laughs, but at the same time this is a very grounded story about real kids dealing with something significant. The changes that you go through when you leave high school and go to college are huge. You’re embracing your own identity for the first time, telling the whole world who you will be for the rest of your life. This is a world where superpowers don’t exist. And I’m not talking first season of Heroes. This is today, this is actually happening, this is right now.

io9: Did you go to college?
Green: I did not go to college. (A) I had terrible entry scores—I’m a bad tester, and (B) I was already working professionally in the field that I was pursuing. So it just seemed silly for me to spend my time in a scholastic environment. [Instead] I went to the used bookstore and just bought a ton of stuff that I wanted to read.

io9: Wouldn’t it be tough, then, to direct a movie about the college experience?
Green: Oh, I spent a ton of time at colleges. All of my friends were in school, and that’s where I’d discuss with them what their experiences were. It was really just responsibility for the first time. For the first time in someone’s life, they set their own alarm; they do or don’t go to school; they do or don’t eat properly. You know? They do or don’t do all the things they’ve been instructed are crucial. That’s what I’m fascinated by.

io9: How far along are you with the script?
Green: Well, we wrote a script and we wanna take another pass at it, but we got it on paper.

io9: Have you sold it?
Green: I spent a bunch of time talking to George Lucas about how he makes his movies. And I really like his philosophies. So we’re writing it, and we’re figuring it all out. I spent a good deal of time producing over the last eight years, so this kind of thing I can handle. We’re gonna partner up with somebody we believe in and who believes in us, and make the movie that we wanna make. At press time, we haven’t picked a producer.

io9: Would you reach out to George Lucas or Joss Whedon for advice about directing?
Green: Absolutely, yes, always. When you’re fortunate enough to get to work with masters, without being a nuisance, take advantage of that.

io9: When would you ideally like to start production?
Green: Um, well, schedule really becomes a product of availability. Hugh has a show that he’s sold to the Sci Fi network. He’s doing a bit of work on that right now. I’ve got Robot Chicken—we just wrapped [another] Star Wars [episode], which is gonna be out Nov. 16. Then I have a movie in April. So it always becomes about where do you put it? But what I will say is that I wanna make this movie. I’m really excited about it. I’m really excited to show it to people.

io9: What do you think of Hollywood’s almost indiscriminate love for comic books now?
Green: It’s making a universe. It’s creating, like, a taxable marketplace. I think that’s what Marvel’s been doing so succinctly: trying to combine all their franchises into something that’s just really serving the fan. What’s nice is that Hollywood studios are essentially banks and don’t really care what the content is as long as it’s turning a profit. They become more and more willing to trust these storytellers who’ve been telling good stories all along.

io9: Yet if you talk to most comics creators and editors, they’d probably argue they’re more or less left out of the process.
Green: Well, you know, everybody’s got their process. As a filmmaker I’m just excited by the prospect of a filmmaker putting their stamp on something that they already love. Jon Favreau was a huge Iron Man fan and look what he gave us.

io9: But there are comic-book companies that solely want to develop…
Green: I know. There is no such thing as selling out anymore. 50 Cent who is the hardest gangster—or at least sold as the hardest gangster around—made $50 million selling Vitamin Water. If you don’t have a clothing line and a record or a comic book or a scent, then you’re just not participating. And it’s a funny thing to accept, as a citizen of the world. I hope this doesn’t sound disingenuous, but I’m not driven by financial gain. All my life I’ve liked to make stuff. And I’ve found myself in a position of opportunity to make some of the things I’ve been wanting to for a long time. And I’m just taking every advantage of it, absolutely.

io9: How big of a comics fan are you?
Green: I think there’s a misconception about me and the size of my comic-book geekiness. I grew up reading comic books. My dad and I did together, and I learned how to draw and I got interested in that storytelling. But around ’96, I just flat-out stopped buying them. The whole collecting market started frustrating me cause all of these companies were doing these ridiculous multiple printings with different covers to gouge the average fan. And I just found the whole thing grotesque and turned my back on it.

io9: Do you want to make anymore comics?
Green: I didn’t write The Freshman. We co-conceived the characters and the stories. I haven’t really given [creating more comics] a lot of thought. You know Geoff Johns is a buddy of mine, and he writes comics all the time. Oh my gosh, that guy is awesome. He and Matt [Senreich, Robot Chicken’s other co-creator] are going to make a movie. But, no, I haven’t really thought about it cause I haven’t had a story I wanted to tell in that medium.

io9: If Joss asked you, would you ever consider taking on the Buffy comic?
Green: See, I don’t think I’m instinctive for those characters or that content. I always put myself in their hands. I was like, “Write me something awesome.” And they never disappointed. I don’t think I’d be a good candidate. I don’t think I have valuable instincts for those characters.

io9: What was your costume this Halloween?
Green: I’ve prepared a Dr. Henry Jones Sr. costume. I love Sean Connery in The Last Crusade. I was Axl Rose one year. That was a very strong costume.

io9: Superficially, you’d appear to have a fascination with Amish people—what with The Freshman’s Amish character, Liam, as well as your role in Sex Drive.
Green: I dressed up as an Amish person when I went with [actor] Todd Grinnell to the Playboy party a few years ago. But I don’t really have some kind of fascination. It’s just come up a bunch recently.

io9: Can you tell me a little about the upcoming Star Wars episode of Robot Chicken?
Green: Oh my gosh, I cannot wait for people to watch this. It exceeded all of my expectations. We have a little bit of a linear story—we kinda discuss the bounty hunters. I’ve always been interested in those guys and who they are and how they got there. Do they have agents, or did they answer an ad? Do those guys compete all the time? Do they hate each other? Are there rivalries? What’s the story? So, start to finish, it’s the bounty hunters story. And mixed up throughout are channel flips that are all over the universe and timeline.

io9: You’re all over the place lately. What can you tell me about your upcoming spot on Heroes?
Green: Oh, I can’t [laughs].

io9: I know that you and your old buddy Breckin Meyer play comic-book nerds in Atlanta who help one of the Heroes.
Green: You possibly know more than I’m allowed to tell you. Yeah, Breckin and I are both in it. And all our scenes are together.

io9: And shots from the set reveal that you have a beard that sorta makes you look like Morgan from Chuck.
Green: Oh. Wow. That hurts a little bit.

io9: Oh, please. You know the girls love you, Seth.
Green: [laughs]

io9: Would you ever do another Star Trek spoof on Robot Chicken and have Zachary Quinto voice Spock?
Green: Not for Star Trek, no. Zach came on and did a Sylar bit for us. And he did some other stuff. He is so funny. He has got to do a comedy, cause he always plays these really scary and serious characters and he’s so fucking funny. We don’t have any new Star Trek bits. We want to see the movie first.

io9: The next episode of Entourage is intriguingly titled, “Seth Green Day.” Explain.
Green: [Creator] Doug Ellin asked me if I wanted to come and do something. And I was like, “Of course I do!” [Laughs] And me and Kevin Connolly get to fight some more. That’s funny. It’s so silly.

top Seth Green photo courtesy of bonniegrrl

The drawing looks so lifelike, some of the more graphic drawings left me taken aback, especially when he gives Princess Leia the Requiem For A Dream treatment.

It's interesting how many minor characters, from the Star Wars comics and books, Miravi includes in his art along with Leia and Padme. Because, honestly, how many Leia/Padme pics can you make? True everyone remembers Aayla Secura's sexy Twi'lek features way more than her name, but it's sort of amazing how porn makes you confront the scarcity of memorable female characters in the actual Star Wars movies. Just the fact that he had to bring Beru in (a character that had maybe four minutes of camera time) is pretty telling. Still, you gotta love the little droids pulling off Padme's clothes, makes the whole thing seem innocent... until you scroll to the next drawing.

[Cathouse Miravi]

After the jump: Ben Affleck loses his job, Billy Crystal reclaims his own, and the world contemplates another Star Wars movie.

· Ben Affleck is in talks to star as a downsized corporate hack in Company Men, which we're told calls for a second male lead as well. Matt Damon casting bets are currently paying 2:3. [THR]
· After a six-year hiatus, Billy Crystal will return to the big screen opposite Dwayne Johnson in Tooth Fairy. [Variety]
· On the heels of Capote the Hutt, would George Lucas dare to adapt the new Star Wars video game as an animated feature? On second thought, please don't answer that. [Hero Complex]
· CBS and ABC were up, Heroes was down on the fall TV season's opening night. [Variety]
· Sony is keeping the plot for its newly optioned feature White Dad "under wraps." Meanwhile, the aggressively quick thinkers at Lifetime are angling for a Latino Babysitter MOW sequel as we speak. [THR]

Boomp3.com

Star Wars star Ewan McGregor practiced using another force on Monday afternoon as he used the hose to clean his own automobiles. The Scottish actor has always held a great deal of apprehension about having his cars cleaned by professionals. McGregor said, “This was back in London and quite a while ago. However, it still doesn’t change my belief about car washes in general. I took my car in and somebody nicked my Blur CDs. Ever since then, don't trust the ruffians who work there.” McGregor then added that it was a risk he was not willing to take and so, every two to three weeks, he gets out the shamwows, hoses and buckets and goes to town. McGregor added, “There’s no better feeling than doing it for yourself. If I do a good job, the old wifey may tip the best way possible, if you know what I mean.”

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Howard Roffman is the bigwig in charge of all of toy licensing for Lucas Film....in other words he is the guy who decides what little kids and little boys will be playing with, you know like lightsabers they can cross and things like that.

Anyway, on the side and this is pretty well known within Lucas, Howard Roffman is also known for his gay pornography photos of handsome young.....and i mean YOUNG....guys in action.

Sure enough, we did some internet digging, and pulled up two very different online bios for the President of Lucas Licensing. His lucasfilm.com profile dryly lists his qualifications, explaining that "Roffman was able to combine business executive functions with creative marketing skills" to eventually oversee duties for "the licensing and marketing of all Lucasfilm properties in ancillary consumer markets, including the Star Wars and Indiana Jones films."

Then there's the Roffman described by himself at howardroffman.com:

I am a 52-year-old white, Jewish man who grew up in a decidedly white middle-class section of Philadelphia, who now lives in San Francisco with his partner of 31 years and whose career has nothing to do with photography. So how do I find myself publishing book after book of photographs of deliriously beautiful young men? I often find myself asking that very same question.

We invite you to peruse Roffman's eleven published collections of nude black-and-white studies; while this might not be material for everyone, we doubt anyone would deny Roffman's natural ability for capturing the contours of a very young man's blossoming body. Obviously, some parents might find this news of grave concern—but we're sure that a consummate professional such as himself can be trusted not to greenlight child-inappropriate Lucasfilm products like a Mutt Williams Vine-Swinging Loincloth or Handsy Solo and the Millennium Chickenhawk playset.

• howardroffman.com
• Howard Roffman [lucasfilm.com]

1. Titanic — $1,842.9*
2. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King — $1,119.3
3. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest — $1,066.2
4. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone — $976.5
5. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End — $961.0
6. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix — $938.5
7. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers — $926.3
8. Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace — $924.3
9. Shrek 2 — $919.8
10. Jurassic Park — $914.7
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire —$896.0
12. Spider-Man 3 — $890.9
13. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets — $879.0
14. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring — $871.4
15. Finding Nemo — $864.6
16. Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith — $849.0
17. Spider-Man — $821.7
18. Independence Day — $817.4
19. The Dark Knight — $800.1

(*Grosses in millions)

And this is after what's characterized as another strong frame for TDK at the international box office. But just in case the guy on the other side of the cubicle wall is trying to sway you with wagers with over-unders less than $1 billion from the No. 1 spot — it's a trick! Fire back with something involving a Roland Emmerich film in the Top 20; we wouldn't have believed it either, fancy house or not.

• Time Warner's `Dark Knight' Nears No. 2 All-Time Film [Bloomberg]
• All Time Worldwide Box Office Grosses [Box Office Mojo]

WHAT'S NEW: We're avowedly Team Tropic Thunder, a genuinely funny (if perhaps too-close-for-comfort) satire that nevertheless looks likelier and likelier to slide softly into history as DreamWorks' last noble misfire. We'll discuss that more below, but our skepticism doesn't mean it can't finish on top for one happy weekend — the question is, How happy? Opening opposite Star Wars: The Clone Wars and still facing a formidable money magnet in The Dark Knight, we could see Thunder surmounting the new Harry Knowles favorite with around $25 million. Clone Wars will finish close to $19 million, with TDK wielding enough juice to creep as far north as maybe even $18 million. Pineapple Express will holdover nicely around $13 million.

Also opening: The disposable Kiefer Sutherland thriller Mirrors; the Luke Wilson disease-of-the-week dramedy Henry Poole is Here; the 3-D housefly-in-space adventure Fly Me to the Moon; the seedy, acclaimed LA saga Falling; the Argentinean hermaphrodite coming-of-age story XXY and finally! In the city limits! At the Nuart! Lionsgate's dump-and-run splatter flick The Midnight Meat Train. See it while you can.

THE BIG LOSER: Can a film finish in first place at the box office but still be considered a disappointment at Defamer Attractions? Sure — especially Tropic Thunder. It's turned into a bit of a headache for DreamWorks, which has saturated the media to the point of overexposure — literally to a place where the casual viewer they so desperately need for a $90 million R-rated comedy (especially women) is dead to the stimulus. Some folks we've talked to are avoiding it on principle alone, arguing they've already seen the movie via its infamous redband trailer and on about 50 billboards flanking Santa Monica Blvd. Love it though we do, we can't really argue with them.

THE UNDERDOG: Vicky Cristina Barcelona is Woody Allen's admittedly overrated return to mid-level form: Two nubile Americans abroad (Scarlett Johansson and Rebecca Hall) fall into a love triangle with smoldering artist Javier Bardem, which becomes a skewed quadrangle after the entrance of his batshit ex-wife Penelope Cruz. We could take or leave its hammy narration (or hell, the entire narrative) and postcard cinematography, but Hall nearly redeems the film with a fantastic performance recalling Diane Keaton's tart, tormented other woman in Manhattan. We'd watch her in anything, even a dirty old man's overindulgent Euro slop job.

FOR SHUT-INS: Slim pickings among new DVD's this week, including the Ellen Page/Sarah Jessica Parker ensemble comedy Smart People; the Val Kilmer/Stephen Dorff prison flick Felon, the complete 11th season of South Park and the must-have The Love Boat: Season One, Volume Two. Two volumes! Who knew?

So choose your outs, kids: Is Tropic Thunder a bigger success or disaster-in-waiting than we're foreseeing? Do you dare spend money on The Clone Wars, let alone speak up here on its behalf? Or is it just another sluggish Olympic weekend at home. Speak up — what's good?

It’s not the look or design that pushes it over the top into stereotype, of course, but the voice (performed by Corey Burden), a lispy, high-pitched twang purposively reminiscent of Truman Capote. So how did a character who wasn’t even supposed to speak English wind up sounding like that? Because George Lucas insisted on it, Clone Wars director Dave Filion confessed.

“Zero, Jabba’s uncle, originally spoke in Hutt-ese, like Jabba and then he had a different sluggish voice just like Jabba, and then George one day was watching it and said ‘I want him to sound like Truman Capote.’ He actually said that and we were like ‘Wow!’” Filion revealed. “It’s a hybrid of it but the inspiration is definitely there on Capote. It’s one of those things that takes him from being an interesting character and I think really does put him over the top and does something. He’s a favorite among the crew here.”

Filion bafflingly stopped short of acknowledging Ziro's sexual orientation, however ("He’s of questionable [sexuality] at least as a slug. They tell me that these slugs can be either male or female depending"), leaving it to Lucas to wait and see how the currently developing Great Sissies of History trilogy does on its own before permuting it for a more fabulous galaxy far, far away.

• Is Zero the Hutt The First Gay Alien In ‘Star Wars’ History? [MTV Movies Blog]

Boomp3.com

An Imperial Scout Trooper placed a quick phone call to shore up his ride situation before an advance screening of Star Wars: The Clone Wars. In a muffled tone, the scout explained that people have a difficult time understanding what he's talking about a majority of the time. The scout said, "My outfit doesn't have any pockets for my phone; if it did, I would just text message my ride the details back and forth. When I'm in character, it's just too hard to break the illusion." Before going back into the line, the scout trooper realized it was actually pretty fortunate that he was wearing a helmet and gloves while using the pay phone. As he explained to the Wookie who held his place in line, "You never know what kind of germs live on those things, anyway."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pic]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Naturally, Knowles capitulated — he did break the Lucas/Warner Bros. review embargo, we guess — but his insight into a true travesty of imagination has resurfaced elsewhere. And for sheer bile (excerpted after the jump), we've got to say we're really quite proud of the plus-size pushover's efforts:

(T)hey introduced Baby Jabba aka Rotta the Huttlet aka Stinky. ... (But) wait ... Little Stinky the Hutt isn’t the worst character in the history of STAR WARS… because Stinky got introduced earlier in the film. As much as I hated lil Stinky… I was weathering Stinky. I seriously was. But later there was a character of such immense **** – offensively bad. The character was so bad, so incredibly awful – that it was a slap to the face. It woke me out of my ****-accepting stupor and made me angry. SUDDENLY my “inner fanboy rage” was awoken. ...

I watched this terrifyingly awful character named Ziro the Hutt. A seemingly female Hutt – with tattoos and make-up that sounds like a racist take on a Black New Orleans Crack-Dealing Whore. Because this Hutt speaks ENGLISH – and it is many times worse than I’m actually describing. This character was actually too much for me. So bad that every flaw I was looking past, was now a road sign to inadequacy and mediocrity. ... I hated the score, the animation, the shots, the characters and most of all the retarded ******** idiot story.

I hated the film. HATED IT. REALLY HATED IT.

More like this, Harry, seriously. And: If we've said it once, we've said it a thousand times: A jailed George Lucas is a harmless George Lucas. Send in the SWAT team.

UPDATE: Good news! AICN is now emphasizing that Warner Bros. enforced the review embargo, not Lucasfilm or George Lucas himself. We knew the man responsible for Stinky the Hutt and Indiana Jones 4 could never lash out at his fans so indecorously.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• “Harry Knowles Hated The Clone Wars” Review [Hollywood Newsroom]

We're pretty sure the inclusion of Powers in their list of 14 franchises to kill was a serendipitous fluke (it's actually pegged to The Mummy 3 and includes Indiana Jones and Friday the 13th as well), but Wednesday's revival news nevertheless reinforced the urgency of euthanizing bad ideas before they can strike again. And why stop at 14? As long as we have the ax out, we might as well finish the job with another half-dozen after the jump.

·Beverly Hills Cop: Sure, we summoned a bit of cautious optimism when we first heard about BHC 4. But word that franchise heir Brett Ratner wants a PG-13 and Eddie Murphy's continued commitment to mediocrity has us second-guessing. Kill it.

·Star Wars: Nothing short of George Lucas encased in carbonite will likely stop his molesty corruption of a galaxy far, far away. But a blog can dream. Kill it.

· Transformers: Wait — never mind! Thanks, Shia.

· Spider-Man: Heresy? Maybe. But if Sam Raimi is more preoccupied with spinoffs and Jack Ryan than Sony's multi-billion empire, just accept the sign. Kill it first, before Joel Schumacher hijacks it.

· Hostel: How much would it cost us to have the pleasure of snuffing this ourselves in a dank Eastern European abattoir? We'll get the money, like, yesterday. Kill it — slowly.

· The Lost Boys: Not a franchise so much as a misbegotten, Haim-wounding attempt at brand-milking, bound to get worse before it gets better. Kill it.

• Running on Empty: 14 Movie Franchises We Think Should Stop [EW]

WHEREAS, said franchise is the most lucrative in the history of cinema, having generated nearly $4.3 billion at the box office alone, and

WHEREAS, the creator of said franchise, George Lucas, has established additionally lucrative revenue streams from Star Wars licensing, animated series and his post-production empire at Skywalker Ranch, and

WHEREAS, recent news reports reveal that Lucas plans to re-release said franchise theatrically in 3-D, and

WHEREAS, the terrible second half of the franchise already capitalized on the celebrated phenomenon of the first half, and

WHEREAS, said first half was previously exploited by Lucas's urge to re-release them with bad CGI and boring deleted scenes, and

WHEREAS, said first half was further exploited by more home-video versions than anyone could count, and certainly more than anyone wanted to buy, and

WHEREAS, a 3-D Star Wars re-release further cynically exploits a celebrated phenomenon that was just fine as it was, and

WHEREAS, The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith will always suck no matter how many dimensions they're screened in, and

WHEREAS, Lucas still does not yet have the technology to make his screenwriting multi-dimensional,

WHEREAS, the conversion process will likely cost Lucas at least $15 million per film, with another $30 million of marketing on top of that, and

WHEREAS, we are tired of spending money on George Lucas's old shit, and

WHEREAS, we are tired of Lucas expecting us to spend money on his old shit,

NOW, THEREFORE, LET IT BE RESOLVED BY DEFAMER:

1. George Lucas cease and desist in his threat to re-release any or all of the Star Wars franchise in 3-D, and

2. The Star Wars franchise shall be remanded to protective custody until Lucas is judged fit and modest enough to take care of it, and

3. Lucas serve a five-year probation during which the cash-mongering recycling of old properties is subject to a fine of $5 billion dollars and/or life in prison.

RESOLUTION PASSED this 25th day of July, 2008.

SIGNED,

DEFAMER

[Photo: Getty Images]

boomp3.com

A Wookie from El Monte attending his first Comic Con in San Diego got separated from his group of friends after getting off the trolley. In a muffled voice, The Wookie said, "I stopped to tie my shoes for a second and, when I got up, I started talking to my friend Paul. He's dressed like Han Solo. But after I started talking to Han, I realized that wasn't Paul, but it was someone else altogether. Then I went to talk to my other friend, John, he's dressed like the Joker and, well, I think you can see where I'm going with this, right?" The Wookie thought about going into the convention center and attempt to find his friends, but he wouldn't know the first place to look. The El Monte native added, "I think I might just go back to the motel, but I don't know if a Wookie would give up so quickly."

[Photo Credit: WENN]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com

A Strom Trooper for the Galactic Empire snuck away from a mission on the planet of Tatooine to a county fair on a nearby planet. The trooper felt his search for a couple of droids was becoming pointless and decided to play a little hooky instead. The trooper added, "It's like what that Ferris Bueller guy said, 'Life goes by pretty fast.' So what's the point of looking for a couple of droids when there's this super sweet slide and all of these other rides." The trooper used his Empire discount to get unlimited ride tickets. Before getting on the Tilt-A-Whirl, the Trooper said, "Those droids will be there tomorrow, but how often do you get to ride on the Tilt-A-Whirl?"

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.