Tequila obviously feels the need to defend herself from Merriman, who, through his lawyer, released a statement claiming he was trying to stop a booze-saturated Tequila from driving drunk:

At the time, I was concerned about her welfare given the intoxicated state she appeared to be in and I encouraged her to stay until safe transportation could be provided. We would all do our best to help a friend if we considered their actions to be detrimental to their personal safety.

See? That's how you do it: you create shadows of doubt by making yourself look like the do-gooder maligned by a drunken terror. Tequila should take note, for her brand of mudslinging is coming off a bit, well, unhinged.

Taking on Merriman's claims that she was drunk at the time of the incident, Tequila tweeted:

I am allergic to alcohol. It has been publicly known for years. That is how I got the name Tila 'Tequila' cuz the irony. I can't drink.

As happens in the high-speed age of technology, it wasn't long until that story was called into question, what with the owner of the nightclub where it went down described Tequila as "visibly intoxicated."

But no matter, because Tequila's not only defending herself: she's totally going on the offensive against Merriman, and posted this vague, possibly defamatory message: "Steroid use makes people act aggressive....known fact." She also linked to an article on the subject.

Honestly, Ms. Tequila, you need to learn when to step back from the keyboard and let someone else do the talking. You're not exactly the most respected woman in the news, so if you want to garner public favor, you should exercise some restraint. But what do we know? We've never had a reality show.

MEN

1. Dana Carvey, 3:04:21 (Ocean to Bay Marathon, 1972) — Carvey is the only hint this marathon ever existed, though with photographic evidence scarce, we reluctantly place him at the top of the list of the World's Fastest Celeb Marathoner.

2. Björn Ulvaeus, 3:23:54 (Stockholm Marathon, 1980) — The ABBA co-founder also engineered a revolutionary antecedent to the Walkman and iPod, trademarking the waist-cinching Phonostrap to blast LP's on his high-energy training runs.

3. William Baldwin, 3:24:29 (New York City Marathon, 1992) — Before Alec divorced Kim Basinger, he was the only Baldwin brother to finish a marathon.

4. George W. Bush, 3:44:52 (Houston Marathon, 1993) — In an eerie harbinger of things to come, finished in 158th place but was declared the winner anyway.

5. Will Ferrell, 3:56:12 (Boston Marathon, 2003) — Trained naked, obviously, but ran the marathon in full Alex Trebex regalia (see above).

WOMEN

1. Kim Alexis, 3:52:00 (New York City Marathon, 1992) — Would likely have broken 3:40 if not for the mid-race "stretch break" with Baldwin.

2. Oprah Winfrey, 4:29:20 (Marine Corps Marathon, 1994) — Wanted to get in shape for her internationally televised Oscar humiliation by David Letterman less than four months later.

3. Lisa Ling, 4:34:18 (Boston Marathon, 2002) — Cost her View co-host and compulsive marathon-better Barbara Walters $1,200 when she couldn't finish under 4:30.

4. Katie Holmes, 5:29:58 (New York City Marathon, 2007) — If she finished at all. We're not so sure.

5. Ali Landry, 5:41:41 (Boston Marathon, 2002) — The former Miss USA vowed to finish the marathon if it was the last thing she ever did. And with the exception of her short-lived series on the WB, it pretty much was.

• Why I'm Running the NYC Marathon [HuffPo]

• List of Marathoners [Wikipedia]

Some are more challenging than others, but not knowing which Australian "recently dropped backstroke to focus on butterfly" or which American "has dominated his best stroke since 2001" (hint: not Michael Phelps!) hardly seems to detract from the guessing-game fun. All that's left now is to determine which of the fledgling Adonises will be first to attempt an unwitting, towel-snapping crossover opposite the latter-day equivalent of Steve Guttenberg and a diving dozen of West Village extras.

(Read more coverage of the 2008 Olympic Games.)

• Ab Fab: Guess the Swimmer [NBC]

Cameron Hughes is his team's biggest fan. Depending on his mood, he might pull off one of the multiple team jerseys he wears and spin it wildly in the air, scream at the top of his lungs, and exhort fellow supporters to do the same. Or he might pull an old lady from her seat and dance her through the arena.

A big, imposing redhead with energy to burn, Hughes is a traveling "superfan," paid by team owners to whip the crowd into a frenzy, create some fun, and generally manufacture team spirit for the locals.

Baseball teams like the Toronto Blue Jays and the Los Angeles Dodgers pay him an average of $2,000 a game to do his thing, as do N.B.A. teams like the L.A. Lakers and New Orleans Hornets and N.H.L. teams like the Ottawa Senators and Toronto Maple Leafs. All told, he works about 80 to 90 major- and minor-league games a year, and difficult as it may be to believe, Hughes makes a comfortable six-figure salary just by being a crazy sports fan.

That's right: the loud dude sporting the Memphis Grizzlies ballcap (and exhorting everyone to "Put your paws together!") might be faking it. It's not even the money that hurts — it's the loss of innocence. If we can't trust our over-invested sports fans, who can we trust? Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, sports-addled douchebags... is there nothing left we can believe in?

• No. 1 Fan [Portfolio]

As the supe tells the magazine's July issue, "We met through a friend who knew us both for a long time. Believe me, I didn't even remember [his picture]. Our friend knew that we would like each other. And we did. So I guess he was right." As if the fact that she couldn't remember who the guy was wasn't insulting enough, her list of Brady's charming attributes is just plain sad: "We have a lot of things in common...he is a really great person. He doesn't have a bad bone in his body...He is a very positive person." Those things in common? Well, Bundchen played volleyball once or twice as a gawky Brazilian teen, and Brady has apparently taught her why "all those guys keep hitting each other" on the football field. If that isn't chemistry, we don't know what it is. But quite frankly? From the sound of it, Gisele would really get a kick out of our Uncle Irving. Sure he's pushing 70, but man is he ever positive and great. Plus? No pregnant fiancee in the closet. We're calling our "guy" and Bundchen's "guy" stat to set those two sure-thing lovebirds up.

[Photo credits: GQ via Egotastic]

• GISELE BUNDCHEN DISHES ON LOVE AND TOM BRADY [People]
• GISELE BUNDCHEN IS TOPLESS, AND BOTTOMLESS IN 'GQ' [Egotastic]

Everybody wants IN to the Chinese market. This particularly goes for high-end luxury brands, which are slobbering over the prospect of Chinese people—more than a billion of them!—soon having enough money to start buying their products. As the country gains a stronger middle and upper class, Dior and Armani and Chanel and Vuitton and all their friends are counting on a huge new customer base. Politics be damned!

And all the stars who model for, receive freebies from, or endorse all these brands? They're going to have to shut their traps about Tibet. China accepts no dissent on the issue. The Chinese government will happily blacklist any company foolish enough to publicly raise the issue, and no company would ever do such a thing. Nor will they allow their endorsers to. It's as simple as that. Every major company on earth has, thus far, folded in the face of Chinese totalitarianism, because the promise of their untapped customer base is too good to sacrifice for an abstract political cause. The shareholders want profits, not slogans.

So here's a prediction: In the future, the only Hollywood stars to loudly adopt the Tibet issue will be those who are too old or unpopular to land the juiciest luxury endorsements. Or maybe some of them will willingly ditch their endorsements in order to continue arguing for the cause? Ha ha! Yea, we hope so too. Maybe Richard Gere will stick it out.

Think that's cynical? The same thing has already happened in the sports world. NBA superstar Lebron James refused to sign a letter from ten of his own teammates condemning China's business connection to the atrocities in Darfur. Why? Because he has a $100 million contract with Nike, and the Olympics are coming up in Beijing, and Nike wants a big piece, as well as big peace. Most other big name athletes have already fallen in line as well.

Hopefully the Dalai Lama can do without Beverly Hills.

[Photo via Getty]

After all, there seems to be a recent trend of top-notch athletes sputtering out when their superhot sig others show up to watch the big game. Just a few weeks ago, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo had his worst game of the season when Jessica Simpson turned up at Texas Stadium (wearing a pink Dallas Cowboys jersey, no less). And traveling even further down memory lane, we recall Andre Agassi's final, teary loss at the 2006 US Open. Who was in his player's box that day? None other than Agassi's forehand smashing wife, Mrs. Steffi Graf! Are you listening, Sean Avery? As tempting as it may be to bring Lake Bell or Elisha Cuthbert or whatever beautiful babe you'll be banging come May to a Stanley Cup playoff game, your best decision will probably be to just leave them at the hotel room.

· Conan O'Brien will attempt to keep about 80 of his show's non-writing staff financially afloat during the strike by paying their salaries "for the foreseeable future," a move that he hopes will keep beloved characters like the Masturbating Bear and Horny Manatee from having to sell their bodies to predatory sex-tourists prowling Rockefeller Plaza. [Variety]
· Oh yeah, that other strike is over after only 19 days. [THR]
· The WGA East and ABC have reached a tentative deal to cover 250 or so of the network's news employees, who were authorized to strike, but had not yet hit the picket lines.. [Variety]