MSNBC entertainment sleuth Courtney Hazlett has spent days tracking down sources, rummaging through trash and breaking legs to come up with the latest spoilers from the series-turned-movie sequel. And, no, they don't concern Samantha's hormone therapy. Thank god.

No, this one involves real testosterone: the ladies and their nameless friends — seriously, these broads rarely talk to anyone else but each other — will allegedly head to Connecticut to watch their homo friends Stanford and Anthony get gay married. Everyone will wear crazy outfits and toss out a string of double entendres and generally have a fabulous time.

Life & Style is reporting that the shooting schedule calls for a wedding scene to take place at a Connecticut Inn, and the guest list includes Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda, plus Carrie's pal Stanford Blatch and his mother and father.

"All signs point to a gay union between Stanford and Anthony Marentino, who's required to wear a black tuxedo in the scene," according to the magazine. "Slated as the entertainment: Liza Minnelli."

Other plot details include a trip to Morocco (Dubai's authorities disapproved of all the sexy talk, we suppose) and perhaps a Miley Cyrus citing, which would dampen our gay spirits. Why is she everywhere?!

The scene in question provides hints at two "big" twists awaiting Samantha. The first: she calls Smith Jerrod, who she, duh!, broke up with the last one. This shouldn't come as a surprise: it would be damn foolish for writers not to include Smith, for the lady fans — and the boys, too — just love the actor who plays him, Jason Lewis. If there's one thing almost as important as Sex's fashion, it's the men, and the writers know viewers want to see plenty of them.

The second plot point? Samantha, who's fifty, tells her assistant to pick up hormones. Like, OMG! This 50-year old's going through "the change," something that she, Carrie and the other girls will no doubt discuss in gory detail. Please, god, let them not discuss how to handle the inevitable dryness "down there" and how to prepare for post-menopausal entry.

The credit goes to Vulture for rooting around in the Ain't It Cool comments (horror) and finding someone who'd seen the film and given away the RIDICULOUS surprise twist ending. Are you ready for it?

Here you go:

Esther is really a 33-year-old woman who was born with proportional dwarfism which causes her to have the appearance of a child. She also happens to be a former prostitute, who had wealthy pedophiles for clients. The reason why she has her neck covered is because she was once in asylum and she struggled so much in her straitjacket that it left with her deep scars on her neck.

Yes, you read that right. The answer to the question of Orphan is: Secret Dwarf.

Secret Dwarf Hooker is a movie that just got made. Now I kind of want to see it. Hopefully there's a scene at the end after Vera and Peter Sarsgaard figure it out and little orphan Esther lights up a smoke and talks about the 80s and then drives off in an old Datsun. Hopefully.

Reports People:

"Documents to initiate a legal split were filed in Pennsylvania Monday afternoon."

Yes, shocking. Why do we care anymore? We have no idea.

UPDATE: Video of the big "announcement" from tonight's episode can be viewed here.

Gosselin Divorce Papers Filed [People]

Since the show just aired its fourth episode (out of a planned seventeen this season), you might expect a little bit of light teasing about the next episode (hey! Jin is back) or mayyyybe some vague, long-range plans for the next few. Abruptly, though (and with nary a spoiler warning to be seen), the article's first paragraph reveals major spoilers about the show's twelfth episode, including the fates of many characters currently in limbo, including one who was just shown to be slowly dying.

So you know, that's kind of weird. But if that weren't enough, the print version of the story also runs publicity stills from episodes way, way down the line that spoil which characters make it back to the island as well as what (and when) they're up to. Since the question of whether the Oceanic Six will make it back there is, according to the article, the main thrust of the next several episodes, it's a little odd that the same magazine would casually reveal exactly which characters do.

In a nutshell, then: the article is mega-spoilery with absolutely no warning. But at least the pictures are pretty!

A shame-ridden Bachelor-watcher (hailing from Canada, or thereaboots) has, using fancy gumshoe freeze-framing tricks that would make Blade Runner's Rick Deckard flush with envy, determined the identity of this season's lucky ring-winner.

Ironically enough, it's another piece of fingerware that ultimately gives her away. While Videogum is suspicious—"making all of the women pose while Jason pretends to propose to them is EXACTLY the type of thing they would do on this show"—we're inclined to think this intrepid Canuck has indeed cracked the Bachelor code. (Seriously, though—a gold pinkie ring? Does she ask the other bachelorettes to kiss it before bashing in the traitor's skull with a baseball bat?)

• Grown Man Ashamed To Have Figured Out Who Wins The Bachelor [Videogum]

(Don't worry. None of the links are spoilers. They all go to reference pages, to refresh your memory.)

Here's what we know:
Season 5 is about why people the who are off the island (the Oceanic Six: Jack, Kate, Sun, Aaron, Hurley, Sayid) need to get back. According to interviews with the show's writers, Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof, at the Lost panel at ComicCon 2008, the finale of season 4 was written as a pilot for season 5, which means that last season's finale is very important in setting up what will happen in season 5. The writers also said, in reference to characters, that "death is a relative term." Also, the notion of what is past, what is present, and what is future will change, which could mean that the guy who invented the Lost Time Loop Theory was right all along. Cuse and Lindelof also said that we won't know where or when anything takes place at the start of season 5.

Season will have 17 episodes. Here are the titles for the first 10:
1. Because You Left
2. The Lie
3. Jughead
4. The Little Prince
5. This Place Is Death
6. The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham
7. 316
8. LeFleur
9. Namaste
10. He's Our You

Remember Jeremy Bentham? It was the name of the man in the obituary Jack was reading in the finale episode for season 3. Jack was the only person who went to the viewing and we later learned that the man in the coffin was John Locke. It hasn't yet been revealed why Locke used this alias, although the name reference is interesting, and gives us some clues. The real-life Jeremy Bentham was a philosopher born in the mid-18th century, known for his "advocacy of utilitarianism, a form of consequentialism, meaning that the moral worth of an action is determined by its outcome - the ends justify the means. Utilitarianism argued that the 'right' action or policy was that which would cause 'the greatest happiness of the greatest number.'" He argued that the "ability to suffer, not the ability to reason, must be the benchmark of how we treat other beings." That sounds a lot like Locke.

Anyway, here is some info on how Locke/Bentham ended up in that coffin:
Jeremy Bentham will die in a car crash.

Characters:
According to interviews with producers, Desmond — who's known for his mysterious ability to predict the future — will be one of the main focuses of this upcoming season:
What happened to him in prison will be explored. His relationship with Penny will also be a part of season 5.

There are also plans for Rousseau, the French woman who's been trapped on the island since 1988 and gave birth there, only to have her daughter Alex kidnapped by the Others.
We will get her back story, which will most likely revolve around what happened to her and her science team when they were first stranded on the island, since it's been confirmed that a "young Rousseau" has been cast for this season.
We will also find out what happened to Montand's arm. Montand was a member of Rousseau's science expedition, and she once briefly mentioned that he lost his arm.

As for Claire:
She will not be in any new scenes in season 5. Her contract has been put on hold because producers do not want her to appear until the 6th and final season, for which she's expected to have a big presence.

Christian (Claire and Jack's father, and Aaron's grandfather):
He'll be a series regular in season 5, even though he died before the plane crashed.

Daniel Faraday, the physicist who arrived on the island via helicopter last season (played by Jeremy Davies):
He, Charlotte and Miles will suffer nosebleeds and get the same sickness that Desmond had in season 4, which is an indication of time travel.

Ben:
It's revealed that he "had words" with the real Henry Gale, the man who landed on the island in a hot air balloon, and whose identity Ben stole in the first season when he infiltrated the crash survivors' camp. He told them that Henry Gale was dead when he found him.

Richard Alpert, one of the Hostiles:
His past will be revealed, and he will be featured prominently. We also will find out that he's very old (over 100), even though he doesn't seem to age.

Info on some other main characters:
Charlie, Ana-Lucia, and Mr. Eko will all return!
As will Libby. the only member of the main cast who was never given her own centric episode with more than one flashback. She is also the only main Flight-815er whose motives for going to Australia and boarding the flight have yet to be disclosed. The theory that she is one of the Others is "not barking up the wrong tree."

Radzinsky, the Dharma station worker who shot himself before Desmond arrived will make an appearance this season.

And a biggie:
Jin's not dead!

What Sawyer whispered in Kate's ear before he jumped out of the helicopter on the season 4 finale:
He wants Kate to find his daughter Clementine that he had with his old con partner Cassidy, and tell her what happened to him.

And finally:
In order for the Oceanic Six to get back to the island, they will have to travel to off-island Dharma stations. Also, in this season, there are no more flashbacks or flashforwards.

Here's a sneak peek at a full scene from the upcoming season, featuring Ben and Jack.

And here's a new trailer, released today:

This is no doubt an improvement over that less-than-inspiring Marley trailer from last summer, but on the other hand, we thought everyone knew Marley died in the end, thus reducing this crude campaign to near-Crapening levels of stating the obvious. When someone finally takes his Krylon to the posters for Seven Pounds, though, please let us know. We're still trying to figure that twist out. [/Film]

That's about all we can say, really, without leaving it up to the spoilerphiles among you to decide for yourselves: Heath Ledger and Aaron Eckhart, after the jump.

• 'Dark Knight' Spoiler Pics Confirm Heath Ledger Will Appear In Drag [Animal]

Seriously, spoiler phobes beware: Don't read any further if you crave the integrity of this latest thrilling installment in the EW canon!

· "Exterior shot" is among the scariest phrases currently making the rounds among hotly anticipated scripts.

· Harrison Ford's call-sheet code name on Indy 4 was "#"; Cate Blanchett's was "Mean Girl". Producer Kathleen Kennedy is fed up, but accepts that it's part of the territory. Not even Iron Man was safe from "pesky snappers"!

· "Can't anything be done by way of defense?" Daly asks. Unless you're shooting on private property, no. Kennedy is still frustrated.

· Daly again: "What happens if the script calls for a scene in an urban spot, like downtown L.A. or the steps of the New York Public Library? You might as well paint targets on the actors' backs, because that's when the general public shows up along with the professionals." (God, when will the hoi polloi just get over it? — Ed.)

· Gossip Girl's producer says even a closed set isn't really a closed set these days.

· Steven Spielberg foiled paparazzi in New Mexico by posting pictures to Indy's official Web site before anyone else could get a shot of Harrison Ford in costume.

· This is HUGE: Comic book movies are the hardest to defend, sometimes yielding bad buzz that's impossible to deflect: "'It directly affects PR, and drives when you release images to the public,' says Marvel's [Kevin] Feige. 'We want to be the first ones to unveil it. Not some scooper with a camera phone.' "

· After weeks of enduring cameras everywhere they turned in New York, Sarah Jessica Parker finally gave up for one scene in Sex and the City: "'It just wasn't worth the risk,' she says. 'We put it inside. We were a little bit worried about it feeling too small. But I think it ended up working really nicely. I hope so.'" [Cha-ching! — Ed.]

· Finally, the shocking twist ending: Daly didn't write alone! "Additional reporting by Missy Schwartz, Tim Stack, and Adam B. Vary." Fuck, what a letdown. The critics will kill it.

• Spoiler Nation [EW]

"I did want an emotional roller-coaster but...Kill Mr. Big? I would have been chased around the planet by women with torches. It's a summer movie. Why would I want to kill anyone?"

Sarah Jessica Parker/Carrie Bradshaw: Not a chance. King claims women would chase him down with torches if Big bit it, but should the show's narrator and guiding light pass on after taking a cab that oh-so-glamorously crashes into Barneys or falls victim to a cocktail poisoned by some envious Vogue staffer, enraged SATC fans would hunt down King not with torches, but things like guns and machetes.

Cynthia Nixon/Miranda Hobbes: Nah. For one thing, Nixon recently revealed the fact that she went through a cancer scare back in 2004, so killing off Nixon's most famous role to date would just be plain cruel.

Kristin Davis/Charlotte York Goldenblatt: We've already heard she magically gets pregnant against all odds, and dying after giving birth could be seen as some kind of tragic but ironic plot twist. Fans have suffered through season after season hearing about Charlotte's baby-making anxiety, so the joy they'd feel knowing Char finally reached her stereotypically feminine life goal might nullify the sadness felt should she not pull through.

Kim Cattrall/Samantha Jones: If one of the four girls is really the killed-off character in question, we'd safely place our bets on Sam for two reasons: her character was diagnosed with cancer during the last season and though we were assured she eventually beat it, that's one disease with a temper, sadly capable of returning. Secondly, Samantha is the most controversial of the four; some fans love her for behaving like a man in a woman's body and boldly suggesting sleeping with every man in Manhattan is an example of feminists' success. But others just think she's a slutty bitch.

What we really think? It's Steve's mom. She's old, demented, eats garbage and despite being played by the worshipped and adored Anne Meara, it's just her character's time. Plus, Meara's take on the role is delightfully hateful: a beer-swilling, old-fashioned crazy kook whose voice makes us cringe.

• 'SEX AND THE CITY' DIRECTOR ADDRESSES DEATH RUMOR [CNN]

STEVEN SPIELBERG: It really is important to be able to point out that the Internet is still filled with more speculation than facts. The Internet isn't really about facts. It's about people's wishful thinking, based on a scintilla of evidence that allows their imaginations to springboard. And that's fine.

GEORGE LUCAS: Y'know, Steven will say, ''Oh, everything's out on the Internet [in terms of Crystal Skull details] — what this is and what that is.'' And to that I say, ''Steven, it doesn't make any difference!'' Look — Jaws was a novel before it was a movie, and anybody could see how it ended. Didn't matter. SPIELBERG: But there's lots and lots of people who don't want to find out what happens. They want that to happen on the 22nd of May. They want to find out in a dark theater. They don't wanna find out by reading a blog.... A movie is experiential. A movie happens in a way that has always been cathartic, the personal, human catharsis of an audience in holy communion with an experience up on the screen. That's why I'm in the middle of this magic, and I always will be.

While this may be the first official comment made by Spielberg on his utter contempt for Spoilers and the Spoiling Poison They Spread, his passionate and conservative views on the topic should come as little surprise to anyone who followed the story of Tyler Nelson—aka the "dancing Russian soldier" extra who spilled precious Crystal Skull plot secrets to his home town newspaper, and was subsequently disappeared in the dead of night, lest his blabbermouth ways further pose a threat to the experiential catharsis of witnessing Greaser LaBeouf for the first time.

[Photo: AP/EW.com]

• Steven Spielberg and George Lucas: The Titans Talk! [EW.com]

1) The Big/Carrie Engagement and Charlotte Pregnancy Rumors Are True: Whether or not the wedding scene featuring a psychotic peacock hair piece and Bride of Frankenstein dress is only part of a dream sequence, sources tell the Post that Carrie does in fact get engaged to Big. And despite adopting a trendy Asian baby, Charlotte does manage to get knocked up once and for all. Even more interesting in the realm of plotlines, Miranda and Steve's blissful Brooklyn marriage hits the skids over claims of infidelity. Which makes sense in a My Wife Likes Girls kind of way, we hope.

2) There Will Be Stunt Cameos Galore: New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg may have given up on that whole Presidency thing, but he hasn't thrown in the acting towel. The billionaire mayor is only one of several New York-y cameos, including some by co-star Jennifer Hudson's Oscar night ruiner Andre Leon Talley of Vogue, and the indecipherable fashion world darling, photographer Patrick Demarchelier. And though we're sure their on-screen presence is big and beautiful, we find it hard to believe that stiletto-wearing fans in the Bible Belt will know who the hell they are.

3) You Will Not Be Able To Afford A Single Thing You See: Longtime followers of the girls' diamond-decorated lives have always been frustrated by Carrie's ability to don designer gowns and afford spacious apartments on the Upper East Side on a freelance writer's salary, and the girls' lifestyles are even more mythical in the movie. We're talking YSL gowns, beach houses in LA, and the fact that "every day the girls wore real jewels estimated at $2.5 million." Who knew putting out a book of old newspaper columns could rack in the dough? Think we could finally buy up Barney's by scraping together a few blog posts on Scientology and bikini pictures? We're looking into it.

[Photo credit: Wireimage]

• IT'S BIG [NY Post]