just an fyi — it is not Trump Towers, but actually Trump Place. supposedly the apartment is a river-facing 1 bedroom that has been for rent, and rents at about $3200 a month. its likely under 700 square feet...

Aha! So, while expensive, it's not exactly the lavish bachelor's crib we'd envisioned—with jacuzzi tubs and sex swings and faucets that pour pure Andre champagne. Our big question is: How you gonna sleep eight kids in 700 square feet? Cancel the enormous water bed, Jon, and buy yourself some damn bunk beds.

*Yes, we realize a day ago we said we'd prefer to "avoid this story as much as possible". But now it's in our own backyard, dammit, and we've got somethin' to say. Plus, it's Friday!

[Image of Mr. Gosselin really movin' via Splash]

Our strange, formless doppleganger The Awl has a Briton review roundup so we won't belabor the point and post our own snippets of the same notices. Though, this quote from The Guardian should be noted early and often:

There's an eye-popping montage of extreme gay sex practices (imaginary, one hopes), a surfeit of waving penises, dildos, fetish gear, anal bleaching, and an excruciating mime in which Brüno fellates the ghost of a deceased member of Milli Vanilli in front of a psychic.

Oh dear God, yes you did read that right. Terrific.

So if those cheeky (and, yes it's true, more sexually liberated) Brits responded well to the film, how will big dumb fat loud fried fuckwit America receive it? Well, we'll tell you this and it won't surprise you: Gay folks are awfully worried. Actors and comedians and social gays (like departing MTV exec Brian Graden) are pretty much freaked out that the film, while funny and crazy and manic and strange and intellectually rebellious as it may be, is going to ring in the wrong way with those who'd go to see it to stock up on anti-gay ammunition. If you have to explain that a joke is a goddamned joke, then it just might not be funny, as David Letterman so artfully put it this week after he tried to rape Bambi's dead mom. So if we're laughing, well good for Us for actually enjoying something we paid $12 for. But if They are laughing too, and in The Wrong Way, then we've cause for concern.

There's also the argument to be made that, hey everyone who's gay in America, let's man up and accept something that, while it might be a bit nasty, has a grain of truth to it. Is there a highly sexualized cultural subset of Gay Men? Abso-fucking-lutely. One could say that hey, Bruno is just the gay Stiffler, though that would assume a level playing field that has never existed and probably won't for years and years until we're consumed by the warm rising oceans. But still there is a bit of general good in that thought-adventure: Will the moderate lefties who like gays in an abstract sense recoil in horror when confronted in the face by gross things—like dildos and hotpants and, we're guessing, lube—that actually do exist in the gay world? Who the hell knows! And isn't that sort of the point: To find out.

The nervous Hollywood pro-Gay lobby has already turned its full attention away from maliciously trying to destroy the sacred bonds of the Johnson family of 12 Farmhouse Drive in Lenexa, Kansas and successfully pressured Universal into doing a recut of the film's ending, which now features a "Hey, it was all just a dream! A silly homophobe-skewing dream!" bit with none other than Elton John. But was it enough? Will it be enough? Will anything be enough? These are questions we're left to ponder as the film makes its horrid gay pink sparkly way across the Atlantic.

Now we're just waiting to find out if we'll embrace it like Sir Elton, or toss it away in disgust, like poor Robbie Williams.

BizBash reports that not only are Z-listers like Kevin Federline "not likely to command any fee at all" this year, but also that the bigger names have to do more for the company/product/suicide cult that's subsidizing their Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf tabs only to get a lower figure than they would have netted a year ago just for showing up.

But basic appearance fees aside, the trend is toward integrating celebrities into events in ways that involve more than just showing up on the red carpet. When LG launched its new Rumor2 phone, the company looked to Heidi Klum to serve as the product's "ambassador of style," a partnership involving an advertising campaign, online webisodes, and a consumer promotion.

And these celebs will take it! Because if you don't do a movie or TV show or whatever for two years and you've been spending like it's going out of style (it is), then you need these weird, almost-underground jobs to keep yourself in Priuses.

"Because of the recession, I would say fees are down approximately 50 percent," said Lori Levine of talent booking and brokering firm Flying Television, which has offices in New York and Los Angeles. She also noted that the top stars still fetch top dollar. "Couple that with events being down 75 percent, so all in all celebrities are definitely looking twice at events this year that they would have turned down last year."

Though, don't worry. Certain in-demand celebrities are doing just fine. It's just that they might not be exactly who you'd think:

Currently, Zac Efron and Robert Pattinson are among the two hottest commodities on the market, according to people who wrangle celebrities. And, perhaps an anomaly, "Paris Hilton continues to draw six-figure appearance fees," said Rita Tateel, president of the Celebrity Source. Stars of 90210, High School Musical, and Gossip Girl are among the others who can command big bucks.

Anyway, this isn't really any great economic loss for anyone, it's just some fat-trimming that Hollywood has desperately needed to go through for a while now, albeit a bit more drastic than the disappearance of gifting suites or whatever.

Basically, if Boost Mobile offers you $2,000 to get drunk on Level Vodka while RCA Records' newest stable of pop sensations plays on the Bose speakers overhead, you goddamn do it, Selena Gomez.. You do it.

Image of the T-Mobile Sidekick™ LX via Splash

Image via Splash

Barry Sonnenfeld has successfully pitched a movie based on the Tom Swift adventure novels to Columbia. Hopefully it'll be more Men in Black Sonnenfeld and less R.V. Sonnenfeld. [Variety]

Halle Berry is close to signing onto the thriller The Surrogate, about a wicked lady who carries a couple's baby, only to turn out crazy. Oddly, her Perfect Stranger costar Bruce Willis is in an upcoming thriller called, um, Surrogates. [Variety]

Rebecca DeMornay, John Mahoney, Aidan Quinn, and Penelope Ann Miller have all been announced as cast members of Flipped, a tale about two kids falling in love, based on a young adult novel. And with a cast like that, it's bound to be... something. [THR]

Revolutionary Road growler Michael Shannon is signing on to costar in The Runaways, the Joan Jett biopic starring Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning. Hm. [THR]

NBC has signed a deal with Hallmark, which means we'll soon be able to buy 30 Rock and Battlestar Galactica greeting cards. Nothing says "Happy Birthday" quite like a card reading "Frak! I'm lizzing all over the place." [Variety]

Crazed octo-mom Nadya Suleman has finally landed a reality show deal, with the Dutch-owned reality hut that produces The Biggest Loser and For Love or Money (exactly). It won't be as "intrusive" as other reality shows, rather it'll occasionally check in on the lives of the enormous brood, sort of like the wonderful British Up series, except not at all because everyone will be miserable and vulgar. [THR]

Image via Splash

When asked if her cheddarblock boyfriend would appear on the MTV program again, Hilton issued the following self-referential statement:

The show is, like, so lame and fake. He doesn't even want to be a part of it. They make up relationships when they're not there, and he just thinks it's lame. I've never seen the show in my life. I have no idea what it's about. But he just thought it was cheesy.

(Had Paris said that he didn't want to be on the show anymore, Hilton would be both knocking The Hills and presaging the future of her relationship with the Burrito King of the Southland, but she didn't, so oh well, joke opportunity denied.)

Apparently what isn't cheesy, lame, or fake is Hilton's own MTV reality blergh (she does realize they're on the same network, right?), My New BFF 2, as Reinhardt will be appearing in several episodes of that Peabody-dismissed series.

[Us]

MattGaymon's new line beats the original, Pitt to Present Jolie With Enormous Baby.

There are three possibilities. There's Russian pianist Oksana Kolesnikova, who is married and has loudly denied any involvement with Gibson. She was just "entertaining Mr. Gibson with her piano music," if you know what she means, and we think you do.

There's also Oksana Pochepa, a blonde model signed (says Russia Today) to Gibson's Icon music label, who has been loudly confirming involvement with the movie star — perhaps a bit too loudly. She's known as "the Shark," which is delightful.

Then there's theOksana of the moment, Oksana Grigorieva, yet another Soviet musician and mother to actor Timothy Dalton's son. The London-based composer (left, via Rex Features) is reportedly separated from Dalton. Russia's Komsomolskaya Pravda thinks she has to be the woman pictured frolicking with Gibson recently on a Costa Rican beach.

Most importantly, no one has reached her for comment yet, for whatever reason, so she hasn't issued any denials, so for all we know she could be the one.

Assuming she's not, the global celebrity press will go through every last remotely plausible Russian woman named Oksana until either Gibson's reputation for womanizing inflates beyond all reason or the movie star makes some kind of public statement dsaying he wasn't with anyone named "Oksana," ever, so please just shut up.

Then the tabloids will come up with something really off the wall and explosive, like that Gibson's marriage ended over some other big imploding star like, oh, Britney Spears. ( Ha ha, too late.)

SidAndFinancy's new line beats the original, "I'm Sorry M'am, But We Checked and It Actually Is Illegal To Be This Sexy."