Follow the action from last night's episode in nine easy steps (if you have a hard time reading the panels, click on the "Full Size" link underneath to see a larger version). This week, Stacie the bartender and Kristin travel to Vegas, Justin Bobby gets a booty call, and Spencer is the one who gets fucked when Heidi tries to get pregnant.

1.) Martha Stewart Vs. Rachael Ray
Last night on Nightline, Cynthia McFadden tried to stir up shit between the two women.

2.) Martha Stewart Vs. Sarah Palin
But on the red carpet this week, Martha didn't need any encouragement to talk shit on Sarah.

3.) Piper Palin Child Beauty Queen
Earlier this week, I joked that Piper Palin was wearing so much makeup for Sarah's interview with Barbara Walters that she practically looked high glitz.

Later that day, Oprah's camera crew went to Wasilla to film the Palin family at home, where Piper was wearing a crown and a sash.

4.) Mother/daughter bonding

5.) The D.E.N.N.I.S. System
It's funny 'cause it's true.

6.) Crap letter from a dude
As featured on True Life: I Can't Leave My Boyfriend. The guy later came back to her apartment when she wasn't home, and stole all of her electronics and her dog.

7.) America's Next Top Amityville Horror
ANTM aired some never-before-seen moments, and I'd rather that this one had stayed unseen.

8.) Drunk idiots
The people on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge get so stupid drunk that they always end up fighting, and subsequently kicked off the show (whichseems to be their sole source of income). Brad started in with Darrell for no reason.

And then Darrell turned Brad into Quasimodo.

9.) Sewing with Nancy
Her awkwardness makes me uncomfortable.

10.) Stomache

That's right, she's been weaving fairy tales for little Enzo next door, and entertaining him when she's not using him to manipulate others or completely ignoring him because she's fighting with her mess of a husband. Let's listen to what our little Snow White tells the kid while they're hanging out in her glass coffin.

"There was once a pretty, pretty princess who lived in a far away land called Realitytelevasia. She had long hair and was really thin and dreamed of having a recording contract. Her name was Heidi, and one day she met a magical traveling salesman, Spencer. He had blond hair and a bad attitude and he told Princess Heidi that he could make all her dreams come true. They got married and moved to the jungle with a bunch of other princes and princesses, but they hated it there, so they left and claimed that they were abused so that people wouldn't think they were stupid.

When they got back to Realitytelevaisa, Princess Heidi found out that Spencer had some magical juice and it would give her babies and take all her troubles away. But if he gave up the juice, then Spencer would be trapped with Princess Heidi for life and he would have to give up all the fun things he loved like drinking 40s, hanging with his bros, and hitting golf balls in the back yard. So, one day he snuck out of his glass castle in the sky and went to go see an evil ogre who he thought could turn the juice off. He said that he could, but it would be very painful and he would ruin Salesman Spencer's goods for life, and that he would never get his juice back again.

He thought about how mad Princess Heidi would be if he shut the juice off for good, because an ancient curse said that if she didn't have the juice by the time she was 30, then she would turn into an awful screaming wombat and would eat Salesman Spencer limb from limb. He left the ogre and went back to the glass castle and when he saw Princess Heidi she was with her favorite munchkin who had been following Salesman Spencer all along. The muchkin told the princess about the trip to the ogre and she got very upset. "What do you mean you want to your juice to dry up? I want the juice!" she screamed. "I want you to have the juice, and I would love to give it to you," Spencer said, "but not now." "Give me the juice! I must have it! I must spawn!" she screamed as her voice lowered an octave and she grabbed onto shirt shaking him. "No, you can't have the juice," he said.

"You will give me the juice!" Princess Heidi ordered, waving her magic want at Spencer's crotch. From it grew an enormous vine that went all the way up into the clouds. Princess Heidi climbed all the way up to the top of the vine hoping to find a pot of magical baby juice for her to drink, but it wasn't there.

Instead, she found a poor washerwoman named Kristin, who told Princess Heidi that she was dating a prince, but he got turned into a frog by his ex-girlfriend the Awful Audrina. Now Washerwoman Kristin was lonely. But she found a new prince named Brody. They had danced at a ball a few times, and the prince had been held captive for many years by a tranny troll named the Jayde Dragon. Prince Brody had finally escaped the dragon's clutches and had run for the washerwoman.

Kristin loved the prince more than she loved separating whites from darks and wanted very much to marry the Prince so she's never have to wash again. She demanded to go visit with the Queen, the prince's mother. The queen has been placed under a magic spell that permanently made her skin brown, her lips plump, her hair blonde, and her waist thin. To make the spell work, she had sold all of her brains personality. But the spell did work, but when Kristin tried to talk to her, all she did was giggle and drool on herself from inside her hollow plastic shell. But the Queen gave her consent to the Prince's union with the washerwoman, even though the Prince still had to agree.

They left her palace and went to a ball in a magical land where woman hang from hoops in the sky and there are tiny little jugs of ale that make all the men and women beautiful and make them misbehave spectacularly. Just as the Prince and WW Kristin were starting to get close, the Jayde Dragon flew in with her minions. "How dare you get close to my man," she bellowed as fire came out of her mouth. "Get the fuck out of here with your minions," the washerwoman said. But the Jayde Dragon has the shape of a woman and the strength of a man, so she did not listen. She just shoved her tiny talons at the Washerwoman and tried to pluck her eyes out.

But suddenly the Prince got on his steed and rode away. It seems that, even though he lives in the great kingdom of Realitytelevasia he is deathly allergic to drama. His eyes start to puff up and his throat starts to close when he was exposed to it. When the epic battle between the Jayde Dragon and poor washerwoman Kristin broke out, it sent him into a life-threatening attack. The next morning, he realized how weak he looked and went to get his knickers cleaned at Kristin's house. He told her that he was done with the Jayde Dragon and her evil clutches for good, but he had to be with someone who could keep him free from the evil stench of dangerous drama for the rest of his life. Kristin thought that might be a problem, especially since Frog Justin Bobby was about to be ribbiting in her doorway again.

As this was happening, Frog Justin Bobby was sharing a meal with the Awful Sorceress Audrina, who derives all her strength from her tiny little eyes. They used to be a couple, but the sorceress tired of his well-coiffed beauty and cast him back into the world for other women to claim. But once they had him, she wanted him back. It's always the way with those magical sorceresses. Glinda was the same way! So, to keep him from dating washerwoman Kristin, she put a curse on Prince Justin and turned him into a frog. Kristin sent him back to the sorceress to be fixed, and she turned him back into a man, and gave him a shave and a haircut for good measure.

But now that he was returned to his true shape, he didn't want to stay with Awful Audrina anymore. He wanted to be back with Kristin, because he would much rather be with someone crazy who lives by the sea than someone who is crazy and lives not by the sea. He's a surfing prince, and he needs to be close to the waves. So he tells Awful Audrina that her hexes will not work on him anymore, and, even if he is still a frog, he is going to hop back to the ocean to be with Kristin.

She slams down her magic wand and says, "Fine!" and then hops on her broom to fly off into the sunset. All the way she cries tears, beautiful magical tears that Princess Heidi collects in a bucket. They are even more powerful than the juice of any traveling salesman, and she will use those tears to create a life of happiness for herself and all the creatures of Realitytelevasia.

We got a hold of Heidi Montag's shopping list for supplies her big night. You can't imagine the things this girl ordered.

• 50 clear plastic cups for drinking wine
• 2 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos that none of the girls will touch but Brody and his cohorts will eventually throw at each other
• 40 40s, because Spencer and Brody will both be there, and they can do some serious damage
• 1 cantaloupe, because Stephanie is still on that strange diet and that is all she eats
• A tarp to put down in the driveway. That is where Kristin is going to confront Audrina about Justin Bobby, and we don't want any blood on the pavement
• 2 mops, one for each of the PAs who will have to mop up the blood
• Don't worry about picking up daggers, Audrina will bring them and shoot them out of her eyes when Kristin tells her that it must hurt "as a woman" that Justin Bobby said he was never together with her
• 1 pair of rubber gloves, because I don't want cooties when I have to pick up Kristin's chin from the ground after Audrina tells her that she and Justin have been hanging out.
• 20 tins of Cesar dog food, because it is the most expensive and someone tells me that I'm getting some puppies for my birthday
• A Karnac hat for Spencer, because he's been predicting the future. First he said that Kristin and Audrina would fight if I invited them both to my party, then he said that our kids would turn out all fucked-up. He's amazing
• Nametags, because Spencer has a friend Spencer and that is just confusing. Also, are was supposed to call Stacie "the bartender" or "Kristin's Friend?" And why are we still calling Justin Bobby "Audrina's Ex-boyfriend" when he's supposedly dating Kristin
• 1 athletic cup for Justin Bobby, because Kristin is pissed and coming for his nuts
• Estrogen for Jayde, even though she's not around, she needs her hormones, and I have a feeling we're going to be seeing her again soon. Spencer told me, and he is like a deck of Tarot cards with blond hair
• Airplane glue for when Enzo comes over. He and Spencer just love making models together. They are so cute
• 1 large cage, because if my drunk sister Holly shows up at my party (which she is not invited to!) we are keeping her away from the booze
• Streamers!
• 1 whip to go with Justin Bobby's Indiana Jones hat
• A Justin Bobby to English dictionary so that we will all know what "What's wrong with you. Slow it down. Cruise," means
• Some Common Sense Shampoo, so that Audrina and Kristin will wash Justin Bobby right out of their hair. First he told Kristin he was never with Audrina, then told Audrina he was never with Kristin and they both fall for that trick. Oh, that reminds me
• New tricks for Justin Bobby, who treats every girl badly in exactly the same way
• 3 pregnancy tests to find out whether the "replace my birth control pills with PEZ and hope Spencer doesn't notice" trick worked
• 12 DiGiorno pizzas for the cameramen, because they get so hungry and light me badly when they're hungry

It is not a sex tape of him with ex-girlfriend Audrina Patridge or current girlfriend Kristin Cavallari, but the video is some strange footage of Holly Montag drunkenly dancing at an art opening. That's almost as good. But the real scandal will come from the contents of his text message mailbox.

From Lo: That she's over you. I told you shaving the beard wasn't enough.
To Lo: Whatever, I'll show that bitch.

To Kristin: Lo says you say that you're over me. What gives?
To Kristin: Are you going to text me back? Hello! Just because you're in Laguna Beach doesn't mean you don't have to respond.
To Kristin: Fine, don't text back. I bet you're talking to your dad about me right now. He probably doesn't even care about me or Brody or Jayde or any of this.
To Kristin: Your dad blows. He's not a real Italian unless he has it tattooed on his chest. Tell him that!

From Spencer: Dude, Holly is wasted again. I told you you should have come to this party. Now she's dancing like a fool.
To Spencer: Haha. That's awesome. I'm on my way. I need a video of this.

To Holly: Hey, you drunk bitch, I'm gonna come take a video of you dancing drunk.
From Holly. U Betr not. And im nots a drnk bbitch. Fyck yoo.

To Kristin: Why haven't you texted back. That's it, I'm coming to your house.
From Kristin: Please, don't come to my house.
To Kristin: Too late, I'm there already. I just let myself in. I'm cooking.
From Kristin: I bet you're cooking Italian. Haha. Are you really there cooking? That's creepy.
To Kristin: Looks like you're going to have to show up and find out.

To Audrina: I've been thinking about you.
From Audrina: Please stop. I'm out on a date.
To Audrina: With who? I'm going to come and find that dude and kill him. He's not as cool as me.
To Audrina: Does he have a motorcycle?
To Audrina: Or an Italia tattoo? Didn't think so.
From Audrina: Shut up, Justin.

To Derrick: Dude, Audrina's dating some other guy. I'm gonna find that dude and kick his ass. You gonna have my back.
From Derrick: Maybe you should be a little nicer to the guy. You're done with Audrina, right?
To Derrick: Yeah man, but not really. And I can't believe some guy thinks he's as cool as I am. I bet she's saying all these lies about me, like I steal CDs and stuff.
From Derrick: I bet it's not like that, man.
From Derrick: OK, she was out with me.
To Derrick: Haha. Don't lie just to calm me down.
From Derrick: No, I'm serious, it was me.
To Derrick: That is fucked up man. I'm glad I wasn't serious about kicking some guys ass, cause I could totally take you.
From Derrick: So, does that mean it's not cool to date your friend's ex?

From Specner: Hey man, want to come to Holly's intervention with me and Heidi?
To Spencer: Nah, that sounds boring.
From Spencer: No way, it's gonna be awesome. I bet as soon as she sits down, she orders a drink.
To Spencer: I'm totally selling that footage of her drunk I have on my phone.
From Spencer: You should. That shit is funny.
To Spencer: So, are you there? What happened?
From Spencer: She said she's gonna quit booze.
To Spencer: Yeah, right.
From Spencer: I know man, this is gonna be awesome. But maybe this will keep Heidi from bugging me about having kids for awhile.

To Kristin: I'm glad you forgave me last night for not going to Brody's party. I'm just jealous of you and Brody.
From Kristin: Well, I'm on my way over there now.
To Kristin: Even though I don't want a girlfriend, you can't bone him.
From Kristin: We're just friends, Justin. And you're not my boyfriend, you can't tell me what to do.
To Kristin: That's it, I'm texting Audrina.

To Audrina: Where are you?
From Audrina: I'm sitting on the deserted roof of a hotel surrounded by fairy lights. It's a completely natural setting. Where are you?
To Audrina: I'm on my way over.
From Audrina: Why? What do you have to say?
To Audrina: I don't know what to feel or say.
To Audrina: There is nothing better than Audrina Patridge.
From Audrina: OK, I'll see you soon. But if you smell like Kristin, I'm leaving.
To Audrina: Nah, baby, it's not like that. If I wanted a girlfriend, I would totally love you.

To Kristin: Haha. I'm hanging out with Audrina. How's Brody now?
From Kristin: Jesus, Justin. Grow up.

The big news for the sixth season is that Kristin Cavallari of Laguna Beach fame was returning to bitch it up after LC, the show's grand dame of drama, left for greener pastures. And those pastures are green with big money. Today it was announced that the Twilight team will adapt her novel into a movie. Earlier this year Audrina Partridge decided to call it quits for her own reality show and today Stephanie Pratt, the prattling sister of reality über-goober Specer Pratt, said she was quitting the show because she's sick of it.

I can understand why. Last night, I decided it was finally time to cave in to the peer pressure of the pop culture machine and finally watch an episode of this show. Yes, last night Kristin Cavallari popped my Hills cherry and it was excruciating. During the episode, she returns and attends a welcome back party for Spencer and Heidi Pratt (nee Montag), the amalgamation of everything insipid that is known and self-promoted as Speidi. It was less of an excuse to have a party and more of an excuse to have Kristin show up and start some shit, which she does. Because the show exists in its own beautiful snow globe of wealthy white people who only interact with each other, because Kristin wasn't on the show it's like she fell into a wormhole and was transported clear into the Alpha Centauri galaxy never to be heard from again.

Brody Jenner (who I find horribly dreamy in spite of myself) isn't tense about his ex-girlfriend Kristin being teleported back into their tiny sphere by a black hole the producers created out of money and Kristin's failed acting career, but his girlfriend Jayde (who spells her name like a drag queen) is afraid she's going to steal her man. And so is Audrina, who recently broke up with Justin Bobby—who looks like the punchline of a Joaquin Phoenix performance art piece, except he is totally missing all the irony. So they all sit around and talk about this with the sort of tepid trepidation of a year book committee that doesn't want the cover of their magnum opus to be maroon, but navy blue, because they have always dreamed about having a navy yearbook on their coffee table for the rest of their lives, but the school colors are maroon and white, so they have to deal with the color scheme even though it's ruining their lives.

Anyway, Kristin shows up at the party and starts some retarded fight that I don't understand, probably because I haven't had enough Patron shots and don't speak the spoiled patois of the Malibu faux-lite but it had something to do with Kristin talking to Justin Bobby's beard and that made Audrina upset. She yelled a lot and cowed the Year Book Committee to scurry back to the cafeteria to regroup and talk about whether or not they were going to go to some birthday party. Where the same drama is repeated, except without as much yelling.

I watch a lot of really trashy television, but I just don't get The Hills. I understand that it's fun to watch these little wind up toys sputter and twist when faced with the petty squabbles and slights of an insular social circle. I understand that the characters have been made into heroes and villains and that they're all so stupid that there is a certain pitiful superiority one feels while watching them try to navigated massaged reality before the cameras. Yes, I understand it, I just don't get it.

The City, though, I not only get, but totally love. While The Hills feels like regression, The City feels like a progression. It's a similar sort of snow globe, but one where characters actually have goals, things are actually happening, and the fights have real-world consequence.

Whitney Port, a refugee from The Hills, tries to play like she's the poor girl taking on the big, bad city, but she's got a fat pad in the West Villiage and a boss—PR maven Kelly Cutrone—who is encouraging her to work less so she can start her fashion line. Last night, Whitney's old friend Roxy shows up in New York and needs a job and a place to crash. Whitney hooks her up with both, but how does the affably daffy Roxy repay her? By throwing a giant party in her apartment that is so noisy the neighbors call the cops. This sounds just like the Jane Hotel, but it's happening on our TV screen. It's a fun arc that easily plays out easily over 30 minutes and really illustrates the trouble of starting a professional life in the big city in your early 20s—well, if you have a camera crew following you around and a big fat check from producers for just allowing your burgeoning life to be the entertainment for the masses.

The real star of the show, however, is socialite Olivia Palermo, who has been given a job as an accessories editor at Elle and faces off with the magazine's PR chief Erin Kaplan. This is real reality. Everyone knows only privileged and connected white girls get the plum jobs at fashion magazines. And when she gets there, Olivia has the sort of attitude you could expect to find in a girl with a prep school education who probably doesn't have to work for a living. And when she gets in a fight with Kaplan, it's not about who might have flirted with who in front someone's exgirlfriend at a party at the Pink Taco or who didn't say hi to such-and-such because they thought they had bad body odor. It's about a segment on the real live Today show. It's like an actual something. And if Olivia fucks it up then Kathie Lee Gifford is going to track her down and beat her like she's a Chinese sweatshop worker who won't sew fast enough. What's the worst thing that's going to happen to Kristin? Audrina isn't going to like her? Aww...

Yes, I love trashy reality television, but I want there to be real stakes along with the drama and I want it to have some sort of reflection on the world we all live in—that The City it has a reflection on the very specific Manhattan media world I live in probably makes me love it a little bit more. Earlier this week, when Lauren Conrad was asked if she would still watch The Hills she said, ""Probably not, I'll watch The City." Finally, someone from The Hills had something intelligent to say.

Just like knowing that producers of the "reality show" were punching up the action behind the scenes, we all knew that these kids weren't selling their souls to MTV for peanuts, but just how much they're walking away with is astonishing. On the eve of the new season, The Daily Beast's Nicole LaPorte (who was once stupid enough to accept Gawker editor Richard Rushfield's proposal of marriage) lets us know just how much they're making. Got your barf bag out? Good.

[Kristin] Cavallari is being paid $90,000 an episode, which is almost as much as [Lauren] Conrad was making: $125,000 an episode (or $2.5 million a year), according to a person with knowledge of the show's contracts. Conrad's deal stipulated that no other star's salary could match hers while she was on The Hills, but those of supporting cast members Audrina Patridge, Lauren "Lo" Bosworth, and Montag come close: $100,000 a show. As for Pratt, his rate is a slightly less at $65,000 per show, because he only joined as a regular in 2008. (In comparison, the stars of The Real Housewives series receive a reported $30,000 a show.) In the case of Brody Jenner, Conrad's BFFWB (Best Friend Forever With Benefits), he takes in $45,000.

No wonder Cavallari was lured out of obscurity to come back to reality television. And it is a travesty that Lauren Conrad makes almost $100K more an episode than Nene Leakes, the grand goddess of reality television programming. And this is just for the show, not counting all the endorsement deals and clothing lines and other contracts these professional wind-up toys have.

With a starting salary like this, no wonder President Obama said all the kids want to be on reality television to make some easy money. Like Spencer Pratt told the Beast, "Well, guess what, Obama? We have made it quite easier!"

Like all things evil in the world, Speidi is to blame.

[Image via Getty]

1.) Models of the Runway
It's boring…and "dumb."

I love Heidi's reaction to them.

2.) Speaking of Dumb
Who the fuck forgets the words to "God Bless America"? Especially if it's your job to remember them.

3.) Gosselin Kids Promise Not To Murder Their Mother

4.) The Insider: "Michael Jackson…A Ladies Man?"

Did they mean like this?

5.) Anal Retentive
That OCD guy from that Bravo show doesn't allow his employees to poop in the office bathrooms, and if they do, and he finds out about it, he gets revenge.

6.) Anal Retentive, Part 2
On the TLC show Truth Be Told, people with who are obsessed with their pets were profiled. This woman swears she's "not a crazy pet owner," although she does admit to—and is filmed—wiping her dogs ass after she (the dog, not the owner) shits.

I wonder if this dog sleeps in her wig.

7.) Kim Sleeps in Her Wig

What would NeNe think?

8.) Everyone Thinks Spencer Pratt Is An Idiot

9.) Steven Seagal Is Working
Is anyone else as excited about Steven Seagal's new reality show as I am?

10.) My Sentiments, Exactly

An exec at the network told the New York Daily News:

If her album went to No. 1, that would be a newsworthy thing. If they were to become parents, we'd see that as worth noting. If something did happen to them, physically, we'd probably cover that. But ultimately, we were looking at it more like avoiding stories about them walking down Robertson or going to dinner. It will affect the various news shows on E! and it will affect online. ... It was just a question of overexposure and wondering how much of the news about them was truly news or contrived. It just started to feel as if they had maybe jumped a shark in the past couple of weeks and it might be time to just take a rest. It wasn't really one particular instance, it just seemed like they'd reached a point where they crossed a line in the interest level of our audience. [Emphasis ours.]

We rarely ever say this (except to you, Joel McHale, our delicious chestnut love), but good work E! (This is how it's done, Iran.)

Although! It does make us wonder... If E! followed this new revolutionary philosophy to the letter, wouldn't that kind of lead to the shuttering of the entire operation? Other than having her on their own damn network, what reason would they have to keep Kim Kardashian in the rotation? And what about that hideous stable of Dancing with the Stars washups? We're all for E! taking a principled stand and all, but one minor concession is still... one minor concession.

Though, no one ever said progress was quick.

Salon's Thomas Rogers visits Conrad's book signing in New York, and opines that Conrad's success hinges on her blandness. He writes,

Much of the appeal of Lauren Conrad, like the Bella Swan character in the "Twilight" novels, is that she's a near-perfect cipher for young women. It's her very blankness that made her so well-suited for "The Hills" — and a much better choice of star than the woman who will replace her on the show, Kristin Cavallari — because she doesn't create drama. Drama happens to her. It's a feeling that many junior-high-age girls (and some grown-ups) can easily identify with: I'm just trying to be nice — so why is everybody being so mean to me?

Her book, LA Candy, tells the story of Jane Roberts, another nice girl who "just wants to live her life as honestly as possible — and plan celebrity parties, dammit — but is foiled by the producers' meddling and the distorting lens of the camera." It remains to be seen whether the two books that are slated to follow, and the related movie that may result, will help Conrad parlay her Hills experience into lasting fame. She has one big problem: if her appeal is her sheer reactivity, her status as a blameless girl who shit just happens to, then she risks wearing out her welcome she appears too savvy. People might buy that Jane/Lauren just kind of stumbled into a reality show, but will they believe that she stumbled into a book contract, a movie deal, and whatever lies beyond? And if they don't, will they still like her?

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, of course, don't need to worry about maintaining their image as nice people, since much of their fame relies on people totally hating them — and their nine-zillionth return to I'm A Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here! is unlikely to change this. In the past, they've seemed aware of the loathing they inspire (how can you say the things Spencer says and not know that you're an asshole?), which makes their recent decision to start talking about Jesus all the time sort of confusing. Jason Boyett catalogs their religious performances, including Heidi's no-doubt-inspiring prayer session with Patti Blagojevich. He also quotes non-reality-star Christians like magazine editor David Sessions, who says,

As far as I know, Heidi and Spencer haven't done anything but yell about Jesus on TV, which makes them look like tacky opportunists and makes religious people in general appear ridiculous. Most Christians would look at their prissy, entitled, hateful behavior-it's all right there on tape-and conclude that anyone who took their beliefs very seriously wouldn't behave in such a fashion.

See, everyone knows Heidi and Spencer are horrible. So why are they trying to associate themselves with a religion that's supposed to be about virtue, charity, and loving thy neighbor? Boyett offers a possible explanation. He says that 46% of non-churchgoers agree with the statement, "Christians get on my nerves." Is it possible that Heidi and Spencer are actually trying to annoy people more? Whatever the case, only time will tell which media strategy pays off better: Lauren's nice-girl schtick, or Speidi's manufactured evil. Until then, they remain locked in an epic struggle between kind-of-goodness and irredeemable obnoxion, a struggle as old as time itself, or at least as old as television.

The Unbearable Lightness Of Lauren Conrad [Salon]
The Gospel According To Speidi [Daily Beast]

More than anything, we're surprised by the level of literacy in these. But there was probably some intern at LKL changing all the Rs to "are," 2s to "to," and there's to "they're."


Aresmom: Let Speidi know that they're NOT nice people!


AbiClaus: Ask rational questions that Speidi can't answer


CdnBrat: Heidi and Spencer are dumb as stumps!


adlove2: What does Speidi think about the situation in Iran


Brad_Evoy: Mr. King, Heidi & Spencer are just insipid


Tsunflower11: Speidi are a waste of everyone's time!


netters2680: Tired of Speidi


Jo_Crew: Just ignore Speidi and they'll go away!!! Sheesh!


renee162: I'm ready for Speidi's 15 minutes of fame to end!


duckie_lips: Call Speidi on being super rude to Al Roker!


cand2jays: Heidi and Spencer—what a waste of space


Wakamama: Just say NO to Heidi and Spencer!!!


jareeuman: Is she going to cry 'cause she was in the jungle

If they don't get their minds right! Because, you know, they can't ever give a straight answer to questions about what producers told them to do and what was faked and what was real, etc & etc forever. Joy then sass-mouthed Heidi for aspiring to be like Mother Teresa but then going and posing nude for Playboy.

Perhaps every lite-news outlet has just had their Peter Finch moment this morning and just aren't gonna take it anymore. Too bad Ryan Seacrest doesn't do an afternoon show so the the Pratts could whine and moan about how unfair everyone's being all over again.

Tonight, Wolf Blitzer is going to unhinge his jaw and devour them whole. Then they'll pass through Larry King's lower intestine and end up in Pat O'Brien's backyard. From there, no one will ever hear from them again.

He asked the wretched pair over and over again if they were "proud" of their behavior on the show—which involved slapping bottles out of Frangela's hands, claiming that they were tortured by NBC, and being baptized by Stephen Baldwin. Spencer just smirked and acted the cocky fool he always does while Roker barraged him with thinly-veiled insults and the flesh-bearded reality star eventually got lost in a thicket of his own doublespeak. Meanwhile Heidi just seemed meek and silly and as lost as she always does. Trenchant, hard-hitting stuff, Roker. Really good (maybe sexist?) stuff.

Next up is Willard Scott, who will totally nail a duck in the park with a question about Iran-Contra before hurling a jar of Smuckers at it and running away.

Image via Splash

She went on to say, "I used to live in New York City, Heidi. If somebody started singing like that, somebody would go, 'Yeah, shut up!'" Janice justified her remarks by saying it was "constructive criticism. That's what I do."

Heidi and Spencer have been all about Jesus since they returned to the show, which prompted them to begin a fast. (That might explain why they complained that they hadn't eaten in several days, at first blaming it on producers of the show.) Anyway, the religious experience affected Heidi, even in her sleep.

It wouldn't be surprising if "Jesus" was a pet name for Spencer's boner. John Salley would know, since he was watching.

It should be noted that later that morning Heidi vomited repeatedly.

After several bouts of nausea, Heidi was rushed to a hospital, and Spencer put the entire ordeal into perspective.

As the story goes: Heidi and Spencer got down there, and hated it, and quit the show. Twice.

So much of the story that ensues - the premise of the show, the extent of the Pratts' involvement, whether or not Heidi sustained any kind of injuries or sickness, the entire dimension in which it takes place! - could be or probably is utter and complete bullshit. Take, for example, a statement obtained by E! via one Mr. Paul Telegdy:

Last week, NBC exec Paul Telegdy said the "insincere, lazy, entitled" Pratts had to endure a stint in "isolation" before producers would decide the twosome's fate on Monday's show, vowing that the Pratts "really are going to bare their souls."

About this Telegdy fellow: he works under Ben Silverman at NBC, heading up reality programming. Our source explains that Telegdy was the one who recruited the Pratts for the show, capitalizing on their desire to transition from cable stars to network television properties. Telegdy - a British, former BBC exec, to paint the picture - had to fly down to Costa Rica himself to convince the Pratts to stay on the show after they realized that (1) the other celebrities sucked, (2) they'd actually have to do the stunts (eating bugs, etc) and (3) they wanted more money to do it. They walked off the set, and Telegdy came in and negotiated a higher salary for the Pratts to hang in there. They still weren't happy.

Meanwhile in LA, Ben Silverman has to cancel the season's first strategy meeting on Thursday with all the new showrunners, creative executives, and producers citing Telegdy's absence, creating a bit of a mess back at a somewhat troubled, fourth-place NBC.

You know what happens next: they're back on the show, and all of the sudden, Heidi gets "rushed" to the hospital last night. Spencer Pratt Twitters: "locked in a dark room for 3 days w no food or water."

TMZ notes that it was no more than ten hours, with food, and water. Furthermore, there were medics on the scene, the entire thing was filmed, they're full of shit.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.And just this evening: "Spencer and Heidi Pratt quit the show last Monday, and stayed in hotels for three days." Nice. This is presumably while Telegdy was negotiating their new salary. Also: "They were indoors at all times protected from the elements, even though other cast members have been sleeping outside in daily thunderstorms." Their kicker, however, is brilliant: "Spencer says it's all BS ... they were effectively tortured and he's planning on suing NBC."

So, what's the upshot of all this?

The publicity's a win-win: Speidi will take whatever attention they can get, if that hasn't been made obvious enough. NBC got their show publicized for free by a huge news cycle.

Telegdy will probably be seen as an absolute genius for making this work if the ratings for the show prove his worth. If they don't, he'll be to blame for the entire thing away, Pratt mess or no mess. His employers are only interested in numbers. Silverman's going to be judged on the same criteria as Telegdy. But the Pratts?

Who would want to work with them in Hollywood ever again? If this is all true: they took a set hostage, they fucked up meetings, timetables, production schedules, and tried to pin what sounds like absolute bullshit on their producers. In a just world, nobody. But they're probably going to get a feature in the next month or two, because that's the way this all works.

Really, the only losers in this thing are us. It's so hard to discern what's bullshit and what isn't in regards to reality show "stars" and their happenings, their product, and their image, that - rather than go through the complicated process of sifting out what's real and what isn't - it's easier to just accept all of this as an ultimate blurring of truth and fiction and get over our hangups in discerning the difference.

Maybe Heidi Pratt is sick, maybe she isn't. But the next time you read something about Heidi falling into a volcano on the set of Celebrity Bounty Hunter: Xtreme Edition, you'd probably just do best to ignore it, lest your head hurt any more than it does now.

Yes, Heidi and Spencer's rep type person says they're still taping the show. So we guess this was some sour little stunt orchestrated by the pair, NBC, the producers, hosts Damien "Carson Daly's Sloppy Seconds" Fahey and the British lady, everyone. They never showed up at LAX draped in black cloaks! They never even stormed off set! Well, if they did, they still came right back. Even though NBC has them x'ed out on the show's website, we're sure there will be some grand surprise and they'll come shuffling back in, dumb grins on their faces. Which is all terribly annoying and embarrassing.

Really it mostly looks bad for NBC. We expect this kind of stupid stuntery from the reality couple. Their idea of clever is kicking you in the shins and then ten minutes later if you ask them, "Heidi, Spencer... did you guys kick me in the shins?" they giggle and say "Noooo..." So, whatever. But NBC! C'mon, guys. You used to be respectable. You used to mean something. That peacock ain't looking too proud these days, is it? Think about it. Your biggest summer stars are Heidi and Spencer from the goddamned Hills. Shame.

The clip at left should really tell you all you need to know about what had happened. Prepared to rule the roost of abysmally sad celebrities (Lou Diamond Phillips... why?), Spencer declared himself the "King of America" while his wife made weird jokes and said things about Jesus. Their antics, though, were met with either indifference or anger from the other contestants and, upon finding that living in the Costa Rican jungle is not very much like perching one's skinny, champagne-filled behind on a Les Deux banquette, the pair reportedly stormed off the set, never to return.

It's a shame, in a very very small way, because Heidi and Spence were really the only remotely interesting things about last night's premiere episode. As much as we do so love Stephen Baldwin and that one lady who used to wrestle once, we don't imagine we'll stick around to see what happens.

Update: Or, um... Maybe the reason they left the show, or why Spencer did at least, is because they're not actually reality stars. TMZ has an account from a person who was on the Costa Rican set and recounted the following story:

...just before quitting the show, Spencer screamed at producers, "If you give me a script, I'll do what you want. I'm not a reality star. I'm on 'The Hills.'"

Spencer clarified with the following: "I'm a TV producer and a character."

Hm. "I'm not a reality star. I'm on 'The Hills.'" Man oh man does that say it all about... it all.

The follows a generator failing during the ceremony and no magazines wanting to buy their stupid wedding pictures.

The masks are necessary, of course, because Mexico has been infected by grubby, pasty-skinned creatures who shamelessly breed and wallow in their own mess, making nearby people sick. Also, some kind of influenza thing involving hogs.

(Top photo from People by Pacific Coast News; second and last photos from Bauer-Griffin; third photo from X17.)