Last night on the Late Show, Piven said "20 years of eating only fish" also lead to Epstein-Barr, heart arrhythmia, and back spasms. It's amazing this man gets around without a Rascal. Mercury poisoning does cause high blood pressure and elevated heart rate, but usually not arrhthmia or spasms. It also causes itching and pain, skin discoloration, swelling, hair loss, and skin peeling off in layers. Don't you think any stories involving these would be much more colorful? And how did it lead to him contracting a virus like Epstein-Barr? Maybe that was something he caught at, we don't know, a party or something?

Piven also says that he got the best tests in the world at Quest Diagnostics, which can be found on just about any street corner in Manhattan. Earlier this year the company acknowledged it may have given thousands of people false results on Vitamin D tests. Piven also again name checked his fishy celebrity doctor Carlon Colker.

He's sticking by his story why he couldn't continue doing eight shows a week of Speed the Plow, and a arbitrator recently cleared him of any wrong-doing in leaving the Broadway show two months early. Because every celebrity becomes a crusader for the disease he suffers from, Piven is now fighting the injustice of fetid fish across the globe.

Dave was very sympathetic to his condition, and the interview couldn't be classified as anything but softball. Piven even got in a few good laughs. We're not only impressed that he's kept up his story for so long, but now it's even compounding itself. Give it a year, and his sushi habit will have lead to acute zombieism, where he marched around with his arms extended trying to satisfy an unquenchable hunger for brains.

The Institute, a fancy sounding organization that represents the nation's seafood industry, kindly reminds us all that Piven's case remains an aberration and that he has a history of being a big cry baby:

Despite the fact that the arbitrator ruled in Piven's favor, NFI cautions reporters and editors to continue to treat Piven's statements with skepticism. It is important to note that no peer reviewed medical journal has ever published any evidence of a case of methylmercury poisoning caused by the normal consumption of commercial seafood in the U.S. This ruling does not change that simple scientific fact. It is also important to note that Piven previously claimed to have been diagnosed with the Epstein-Barr virus during the first week of rehearsals, a claim that has curiously be absent from most news coverage.

Word to Piven, don't go fishing anytime soon. These people have your number.

Image via blmurch's flickr.

Piven pulled out of the production back in December, saying that 20 years of eating fish twice a day had elevated the level of mercury so high in his body that he couldn't function. His departure sent ticket sales into a spiral, even after he was replaced by William H. Macy. The show closed in February, but still made back its investment. Now the producers of the show have no legal or financial recourse against Piven and are still pissed. Their statement says.

While we respect the decision, we strongly disagree with it.  We remain eternally grateful to everyone who helped make the wonderful production of Speed- The-Plow possible, especially the artists who created it, and the many who had to deal with very difficult and trying circumstances.

With his mercury in retrograde, Piven is thrilled.

I'm just a theater actor who got sick, and was physically incapable of finishing my run. And now I can put this behind me and move on. And I'm stronger than I've ever been. I had a real health scare, and now I can climb back on the stage and know that I'm strong and able to complete the mission. It's a great day.

Yes, he said "climb back on the stage" not "climb on some stripper named Destiny," which is probably what he meant. And he has a better chance with Destiny than he ever does coming back to Broadway. Hope that, movie thing works out.

A recent union hearing left the actor unscathed, so the producers have pressed on to arbitration, the dates for which were announced Wednesday (June 8 and 9). This prompted the release of a lengthy statement from Piven, explaining that his poisoned sushi is seriously a really, really big major health issue, since he may have nearly had a heart attack, hypothetically, but also because the president said so:

Mr. Piven is looking forward to testifying in Arbitration along with his doctors so that the truth comes out about the very health serious risks caused by Mercury exposure, which the Obama administration has recently described as the world's gravest chemical problem.

It's true: The White House said just that (sans odd Capitalization) when calling for a global mercury-limit treaty last month, according to the Associated Press. Then it specifically mentioned fetuses and children as being at risk.

It's worth noting, though, that there's juuuust enough scientific chatter about fish-based mercury poisoning in adults to make Piven's story plausible, if you ignore his sketchy doctor and past behavior.

Piven's medical records might help settle the question, but the actor demanded the producers sign a confidentiality agreement before they could access them. Which makes sense, because if Piven's M.D.s made house calls, lord only knows what sort of raw meat they saw being devoured.

(Pic: Piven at an Obama fundraiser in Chicago, June 2007. Getty.)

The Entourage star was certainly in tears after the hearing, when he sat for an interview at the offices of the New York Times.

Mr. Piven... twice broke down in tears...

He cried as he described the stress of fearing for his health while pushing himself to continue with the play. "I've never missed a day's work or a rehearsal in my life," Mr. Piven said. "I think there's a reason you've never heard of any problem like this before."

Times writer Patrick Healy also noted that Piven "looked exhausted and often meandered" during his interview. Which, along with the crying, is totally fake-able, especially by, say, an actor. And which could also be symptoms of suddenly-curtailed access to a stimulant.

There's no word yet on the results of tests performed by a doctor other than Piven's sketchy personal M.D., results that had been expected at the hearing, so all we have to go on is the word of Piven and his doctor. The actor also said he was in bed "almost every night" — you can find the known exceptions here.

Certainly the producers were not convinced; their five reps all voted against Piven, while the five Actor's Equity reps voted with him. (Actor's Equity includes both actors and stagehands.) The producers have the option of escalating to more aggressive proceedings. It's not clear if they'll do that , but lead complainant Jeffrey Richards pulled an apparently snarky move on the Times:

Reached by telephone at home after the hearing, Mr. Richards said he was sick and on medication and would have no comment.

This snide joke is actually a nice opening for Piven's PR team. If it trumpets Richard's purported sickness as evidence that illl health regularly prevents hardworking people from doing their jobs, Richards will be in a bind: He either concedes the point or, to dispute it, admits he was lying.

As for Piven's honesty, it's almost irrelevant at this point: If Piven told the truth Thursday, and has been going through hell, he deserves more credit for his acting, specifically for his professional commitment to Speed the Plow. If he lied, duping fellow thespians and a Times reporter, he also deserves more credit for his acting, specifically for being such a convincing con man.

(UPDATE: The Post's sources say Piven was indeed crying during the hearing, as well.)

(Image via)

Since producers for Speed-the-Plow lacked star insurance for the bolting Piven, the Actor's Equity hearing is their best chance to receive financial remuneration as well as really, really hurt Piven's feelings in public. And hurt them they shall! Producers have already forced Piven to take a blood test administered by someone other than his musclebound teevee doctor, and Piven will have to present the results as well as a comprehensive detailing of his illness to the committee, comprised of five actors and five producers.

That there is the tricky part, as producers are expected to counter with a log (supplied by Piven's driver) that shows how much late-night partying the supposedly ailing actor engaged in, says the Post. But who needs a driver's log when we have a full assortment of paparazzi photos and tabloid stories that place Piven out and about? Here's a mere sampling of his reconstructed nightlife schedule, put together after a perusal of Getty Images:

October 3: Speed-the-Plow begins preview performances
October 13: Piven attends Filth and Wisdom after-party
October 20: Piven attends Rangers game
October 23: Speed-the-Plow opens, Piven attends late-night after-party
November 5: Piven attends Domenico Vaccas party
November 16: Piven hosts cocktail party to benefit The Piven Theatre Workshop
December 2: Piven crashes Britney Spears's birthday party
December 3: Piven attends celebration for the Capsule Line with Common and Softwear by Microsoft (whatever that is)
December 8: Piven attends after-party for The Wrestler
December 17: Piven bails on Speed-the-Plow

And that log barely scratches the surface of the actor's comprehensive model-corralling. Still, despite Piven's impending peril, at least he can shoehorn a dramatic, Emmy-grabbing storyline into Entourage where he bravely rouses Vince from a Broadway-induced deathbed, then prescribes a recuperative diet of 22-year-olds clad in Kitson baby tees.

• PIVEN'S POISONAL PLEA [NY Post]

And the dodges. So dodgy! Check out this masterful response, after Diane Sawyer brings up the fact that Piven's play-quitting "mercury poisoning" didn't prevent him from hitting the clubs at night: "Let's be really clear: David Mamet is one of the greatest American playwrights." OK then? Strangely, things get even worse from there, as Piven condescends to Sawyer's questions with baleful eyebrows, slowed-down "I'll explain this for the stupids" talking, and such frequent, pointed use of Sawyer's own name that we started taking bets on when he'd call her "glib." Still, kudos to GMA for deciding that when Sawyer read a pull quote about mercury poisoning, one of the interns should mock up a graphic featuring a golden, rotating fish. Delicious (but dangerous!). [GMA]

It was the first time he'd met the media since advancing the much-pilloried sushi excuse, and for the most part, he kept his stories straight. Piven was "brought to his knees" by the mercury overload, he told both People and Us, adding "It feels like the heaviest bout of mono you've ever had in your life." According to Piven (now fish-sober for five months!), he'd actually gone all the way out to Connecticut for a diagnosis "just so it wouldn’t turn into a circus," which is naturally why he would choose an unrelated TV bodybuilder to announce the mercury poisoning to the media.

But what of Moss, who notably "sobbed" at the close of the first Piven-less Speed-the-Plow? People says she got face time with the actor on the red carpet:

"She knows that the second we said go, I've been battling this," Piven says.

Moss also holds no hard feelings over Piven's abrupt departure. "I hadn't actually spoken to him since he left the play," she tells PEOPLE. "It was good to speak to him."

"Sorry, Elisabeth, babe," Piven was heard to have said. "I meant to call, but then I got wrapped up in this whole Sherri Shepherd thing, and then I had to take Ashley to get headshots in Tarzana. How are things going in New York? Not so good? Ah, well, actually I'm not that interested. Sorry—gotta do KNBC and Telemundo before Lindsay Lohan starts wondering why I haven't made it to 'our stall' at Bardot!"

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Jeremy Piven: Mercury Rising [Fox News]

• Jeremy Piven Says Mystery Mercury Illness Was "Crippling" [Us]

• Jeremy Piven Embarrassed by Illness Backlash [People]

According to the New York Post, many involved with the production are pushing to have Piven's high mercury claims examined by a non-musclebound, non-teevee doctor, and they're hoping the result may "squeeze some money out of him." Why has it taken this long to get a second opinion? A lack of insurance:

The producers didn't have star insurance on Piven. If they had, their insurance company would almost certainly investigate the actor's claim before paying out any money.

But under the Actors' Equity contract, the producers are entitled to have Piven's medical records examined by another doctor. If they suspect fraud, they can sue him.

"If it turns out this is phony, it can really kill him," says a veteran producer who's not involved in "Speed-the-Plow." [...]

Several top Broadway producers say that if "Speed-the-Plow" were their show, they'd go after Piven.

"I'd kill the jerk," one says, bluntly.

Though we'd love to brainstorm the sort of hit on Piven that Broadway producers might organize (would it be a murder already beloved on film, but then adapted for musical theater in a splashy megamillion production?), we have a feeling that the Pivs won't be returning to New York anytime soon, depriving them of the pleasure. Will producers then plot out a long-distance attack on his pocketbook and reputation, leaving him with nothing but a 23-year-old rack to cry on? Or will Entourage begin a new season with Ari mysteriously holed up in Canada?

• HOOKS IN FISHY TALE [NY Post]

That's according to E!'s Ted Casablanca...wait! Don't click away! A productive intern has made the usually incomprehensible gossip guru semi-intelligible—just look:

"He was fired," says an integral player in the David Mamet play, about the banal evils of Hollywood. Yep, according to our pivotal insider, J.P. got booted for diva-like behavior. Like what? Like showing up two minutes before showtime, being a general d-bag toward the cast and crew and sending his understudy on if he didn't like the size of the audience.

"He wanted out of his contract for about a month—he was trying to get out of it," says another major Plow player, claiming the Emmy-winner was "disappointed" doin' it live night after night. The mercury poisoning excuse was a way out to save face.

Since we would never impeach Casablanca's credentials and the stories of Piven misbehavior certainly sound true, we've got some advice for the producers of Speed-the-Plow: if you're planning on firing your most famous actor, maybe use the meantime to line up a backup actor with more star power than Norbert Leo Butz. You coulda had the guy from Wings! No, the other guy. No, not Shalhoub! No, not the Sideways one, either. Steven Weber!

• Was Jeremy Piven Fired? [E!]

Shepherd recounted the story today to her cohosts on The View—including a bored, openly contemptuous Barbara Walters. As Shepherd tells it, she upgraded with her miles, landing her and her hyper three-year-old son Jeffrey in a seat right next to the Entourage star. Sadly, Piven was not a fan of the childish talk and incessant shrieking (he also disliked Jeffrey). Somewhere, we imagine even David Mamet musing upon a trapped, Shepherd-adjacent Piven and deciding, "There. That's punishment enough."

• The View [ABC]

First, the New York Post caught up with Piven's "visibly angry" Speed-the-Plow costar, Raul Esparza, "We have not heard from him. We do not know where he is. It's very disappointing when your co-star leaves." Esparza made his level of disappointment clear in the curtain call following yesterday's matinee, says Fox News:

According to those who saw this, Esparza — famous for being outspoken — reamed Piven while [costar Elisabeth] Moss, my sources say, “sobbed.”

“’He said, I’m sure you’ve read the headlines about the silliness in our show.’ Then he said, Today was the first time I really enjoyed playing this show.’ I hope you weren’t expecting a big TV star.” It was pretty emotional.”

So how does Piven combat the actors, playwrights, and investors ("We didn't have star insurance, but we should have had asshole insurance") who have allied against him? With the unbeatable trump card that is a testimonial from Fisher Stevens:

"I believe him. His numbers are off the charts," Stevens, who suffered from mercury poisoning this year, told Page Six. Stevens says that while he was producing his upcoming Sundance entry, "The Cove," a documentary about the slaughter of mercury-loaded dolphins in the Far East, he ate fish four or five times a week. "I started feeling really sluggish and had no energy. It turns out the larger the fish, the higher the levels. I only eat small fish now."

Sadly, this unexpected endorsement found no quarter among Piven's ditched colleagues, who point out that his "mercury poisoning" didn't inhibit his well-documented late-night partying. Also fishy? Piven told friends visiting him that he was "bored out of his mind," and he attempted to line up his friend Steven Weber to replace him. Investors clearly weren't convinced of Weber's star power, preferring instead to conserve it for a touring production that would reteam the Wings star with his former NBC crew (eventually culminating in a terrible curtain call in Iowa City where Tim Daly would denounce Weber as Crystal Bernard buried her Maybelline-streaked face in her hands, weeping, "I never should have done this without Shalhoub!").

[Photo Credit: AP]

• PIVEN'S FISH TALE BEGINS TO STINK [NY Post]

• 'Entourage' Star Bashed For Being Diva [Fox News]

• TOXIC AVENGER [NY Post]

Now, they're going on the record to fill in Piven's repeated attempts to get out of his contract (spoken with the appropriate amount of dry skepticism). The NY Times reports:

Mr. Piven had asked earlier this month to be released from the show a week or two ahead of its Feb. 22 closing date, saying that he was exhausted, Jeffrey Richards, a producer of “Speed-the-Plow,” said. Later, Mr. Richards said, the show’s schedule was modified so that Mr. Piven would be able to attend the Golden Globe Awards in Los Angeles on Jan. 11.

After making this accommodation, Mr. Richards said, he was informed by Mr. Piven’s representatives that the actor would not return to the show after the Golden Globes. Mr. Piven, he said, had spoken to other actors and managers in an effort to find his own replacement.

“It was rather unusual,” Mr. Richards said. “He was trying to be quote-unquote helpful.”

Sadly, Piven's entreaties were greeted with stunned laughter from alienated comrades John Cusack, Jack Black, and Stephen Dorff, though each reappeared in different guises after an unagi-fueled fainting spell led Piven to a hallucinatory dream worthy of Dickens. The Ghosts of Piven Past (Black, with a shaved-back hairline), Piven Present (a Patron-slamming Dorff) and Piven Future (Cusack as a disembodied voice behind a shaded hood) each attempted to bring the actor to an important self-realization, though a waking Pivs learned no lesson beside "stick to cable."

• Piven Leaves Show Amid Concerns for His Health [NY Times]

According to TMZ, Piven's sushi excuse (which we suppose should warn us off spicy tuna forever but only makes us hungrier every time we type it) was only the latest malady Piven claimed to have in order to get out of performing David Mamet's Speed-the-Plow on Broadway. And who leaked this information to the gossip website? Oh, only one of the show's producers, all of whom clearly hate him now.

Before Jeremy Piven ditched his Broadway show due to sushi-related mercury poisoning, producers say the actor was worried he was suffering from mononucleosis — the dreaded kissing disease.

The show's producer tells TMZ Piven had complained of illnesses from the beginning of the show's run in October. First, says the producer, Piven reported "low-level mono." After that, Piven told producers he was worried he might have Epstein-Barr virus. The final diagnosis, as his doctor stated publicly, was mercury poisoning from a two-a-day raw fish habit.

TMZ also spoke to Piven's barbell-loving MD, Dr. Carlton Coker, who confirmed the Epstein-Barr diagnosis. Sadly, blood tests ruled out also-ran viruses like "cow pox," "fainting disease," "the vapors," and a mysterious debilitation that can only be cured by a controversial dose of Hollywood clubbing.

• Piven Went Mono Before Going to Mercury [TMZ]

Entertainment Tonight is first with a press release from Piven's doctor, Dr. Carlton Colker, that plays like near-parody (yet isn't ridden with the telltale typos that plagued the Blind NBC Spoofer). First, Coker says how disappointed Piven is that Hollywood has not rallied around him during this "health crisis," and then there's this:

"Jeremy has been an avid sushi eater for many years, regularly eating sushi twice in one day. He has also taken certain Chinese herbs, and that, in combination with the frequent sushi consumption, could have led to these elevated mercury levels," Colker explains. He goes on to inform ET that a test revealed that Jeremy had the highest level of mercury that he has ever seen, which amounts to six times a healthy amount of mercury, in his system.

A Hollywood Elsewhere commenter mentioned that Colker is the "same ASSHOLE who I worked with on a reality television show a few years ago. He was an insufferable, egomaniacal douche bag and one of the worst people I ever had to deal with in the six years that I worked in the entertainment industry. Go do some more roids, Colker, you imbecile." This prompted us to do more digging, where we learned that Colker is not just a Fox News-vetted doctor, but a professional bodybuilder who "competed in power lifting in Israel"! Surely, this is the man we would trust when he says, "Take five Chinese herbs and five hundred unagi rolls and call in sick in the morning." [ET]

The play is one of the few on Broadway still going strong, but the Entourage star has been missing more and more performances. Finally, he pulled out, with this doozy of an excuse:

Piven has informed the producers that he hasn’t been feeling well and that the condition is attributable to a high mercury count.

The show’s producers weren’t returning calls, but Daily Variety reached out to David Mamet, who wrote the showbiz satire and seemed skeptical of the reasons for Piven’s departure.

“I talked to Jeremy on the phone, and he told me that he discovered that he had a very high level of mercury,” Mamet said. “So my understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer.”

A burn well north of 98.6, Mr. Mamet. Commenters on the NY Times story suggest that Piven had become increasingly fed up with latecomers and early-goers who refused to stay in their seats to fully savor the mastery of the Pivs. We think it owes more to the low Broadway per diems that left Piven's daily manscape artist/confidante out in the cold, unable to give his boss an outlet for thoughts like, "Why am I doing matinees for blue-hairs when my pecs yearn to breathe free on Carbon Beach?"

[Photo Credit: WENN]

• Piven speeds away from 'Plow' play [Variety]