Jasmine and Casey were besties until the latter allegedly broke into the former's apartment. There, Jasmine says, Casey masturbated in her bed, then left the used vibrator bewteen the sheets and absconded with a grand theft's worth of jewelry, clothes, and panties. Now Jasmine's speaking out about Casey's insanity—but who, you ask, is Jasmine?

• She's Trainwreck Royalty Papa was a playboy shoe magnate, Mama was a 1970s Bond girl. According to their mother, Jasmine and her sisters were named after three of their father's mistresses, "a tribute to those who didn't make it." Jasmine's parents divorced when Mom realized Dad had gambled away the family fortune, and Mom went on to fake a pregnancy and say this other lady's fiance was the daddy, which led to a nasty little lawsuit in 1995.
• 
  
• She's an Early Bloomer Jasmine started modeling at 14. By 17 she had, according to the London Evening Standard, stolen thousands of pounds from her mother to pay off menacing drug dealers, and even checked into five-star London hotels for three-day sex and drugs orgies, with bowls filled with high-grade cocaine," and once did a stint at the Priory alongside Kate Moss.
• 
  
• She's a Reality TV Villain Who Catfights Above Her Weight Class Jasmine was the "rich bitch" of Britain's Make Me a Supermodel's first season, causing supermodel host Rachel Hunter to muse aloud about wishing Lennard would get stung by a bee and die. Jasmine later got a job hosting an Make Me a Supermodel spin-off, but was fired for calling Hunter "Rachel Munter" (apparently it's a really bad word in England?) and "a fat bitch past her sell-by date who cost me winning the show" and "fat, spotty, and finished" and "I suggest she throws out the truckload of make-up she uses and hire a personal trainer."
• 
  
• She Dates Men and Women, Young and Old Paramours allegedly include Simon Cowell (while he was dating Terri Seymour), Hugh Grant, and Courtenay Semel, Casey Johnson's on-again off-again "lesbian Don Juan" heiress girlfriend, who blew the whistle on Casey's alleged crime when she recognized Jasmine's panties on Casey and sent Lennard a text message:
  

  There's a problem, Jaz, Casey Johnson just got into bed with me and she is wearing your underwear. You need to call police. There are documents here, your shoes and your clothing—you need to call the police.

  Jasmine's not gay, it's just that she is just very beautiful, and so are her friends, so sometimes it's hard to resist:

  I meet a lot of beautiful girls working in the modelling industry and I prefer to look at them rather than men, sometimes. I'm not a lesbian. ... But being with a woman is a totally different sexual experience. They're soft, with curves, boobs and sensual lips.

• She Was Friends with Casey Johnson Until Casey, Like, Fell in Love with Her Isn't it so annoying when you take a drug-addled, emotionally damaged heiress under your wing, but she totally bites the hand that's feeding her, because she is such a hungry bitch and does not have as much self control with food as I do, because, gawd, I'm awesome:
  

  Since the day I met Casey, I have only been a good force in her life. ... I tried to get her off drugs and alcohol. ... I've given her money. I am the only person who helped this girl, and I believe she was obsessed with me, and thinks in her mind we had some kind of affair.

  This time she really messed with the wrong lady. I am going to teach her a lesson

• 
  
• She Enjoys Lollipops Jasmine was in Guy Richie-directed Revolver, where she shows her panties and satiates an oral fixation in a scene interspliced with a gory shoot-out.
• 
  

In national politics, fundamental procedural changes come but once every hundred years or so — the electoral college will likely outlive us all. Whereas with Idol, those citizens who deeply care about the future of their society, the honest, hard working Americans who stay up late speed dialing votes, who devote their families savings to make signs and printing t-shirts for their favorite contestants — all because they dare to dream of passing on a better world to their children— those people now find their America turned on its head, as they see their judiciary shaken up once again with the news that there will now be four judges on American Idol, and one of them will be a comedian.

While it will be for history to decide what the long term effects on our society were, some first thoughts about what this means for the most important show in the history of the world, and why it happened:

• Mixing It Up: At the beginning of last season, Fox's Reality Chief Mike Darnell told me that the challenge of the show from here on in would be constantly finding ways to keep it fresh and surprising in its eighth and ninth seasons, at the point where most TV shows are adopting orphans and relocating the series to Miami in desperate attempts to regain some interest. But that is what shows typically do when they are in free fall towards the bottom. Idol, despite being off its heights, still remains the #1 show in television by a mile and in that position, very few shows are willing to take chances with the basic formula. Say what you will about Fox and Idol, they are not afraid to take risks.

• Judges Rule: In exile from Idol, former showrunner and So You Thing You Can Dance boss Nigel Lythgoe has been offering the opinion that the judges' soap opera has gotten so carried away it is eclipsing the contestants. Last season, many Idol watchers were dismayed by how much the hi-jinx at the judges table sapped gobs of attention from the performers. And off-stage, every week the headlines were dominated by another judges story. It is Lythgoe's view that the show lives or dies on the strength of its contestants, not by the soap opera on the floor — which with four judges had become a monster. When Paula departed it was the hope of many that this would be used as an opportunity to deflate the panel back to its original size. It was not to be.

• Tivo Alert: Last season, the pile-up at the judges table caused the show to run over almost every week. Most egregiously, Adam Lambert's finest performance of the season, Mad World, was not seen by Tivo viewers. Despite howls of complaints it seemed impossible to rein in the judges. The addition of another judge who is already a star, with a very healthy ego of her own who will no doubt want to make sure her points get heard, will not help this cause.

• Nice Lives: Comedian though she is, Ellen has been the BFF to many an Idol contestant, having them all on her show and supporting each and every one. Likely, she has been thought of as one who will bring this caring concern to the cold-hearted panel.

• Quip-o-Rama: It has been said that this will bring a different element to the Idol judiciary, namely comedy. But in fact, that has more or less been Simon Cowell's function, providing just the right metaphorical one-liner to explain why a performance sucked. It's not like he provides serious musical instruction. Will the judging now become the equivalent of a Friar's Club roast?

Certainly, Ellen DeGeneres has been around the block in entertainment. But this is no little ABC sitcom, this is no Oscar telecast with Bruce Villanch there to back you up; this is American Idol and Ellen has just graduated from AAA baseball to the Indy 500. How she fares will depend very much though, not just on talent, but how seriously she takes the sacred responsibility that has been thrust upon her. History waits to judge.

DeGeneres, who has to be the hardest working woman in show business, is absolutely ecstatic over the news.

I'm thrilled to be the new judge on American Idol. I've watched since the beginning, and I've always been a huge fan. So getting this job is a dream come true, and think of all the money I'll save from not having to text in my vote.

We too are thrilled thrilled, because it's just plain wonderful DeGeneres got this gig. First, she fulfills something we feared would be lost in Abdul's absence: genuine niceness. Sure, that Kara DioGuardi chick likes to pretend she's nice, but her condescending tone reveals her true colors. Abdul, though a bit off-kilter, brought some tenderness to an otherwise cut throat competition. As cynical and hard-hearted as we can be, it's nice to get a little unadulterated excitement every once in a while.

Another reason DeGeneres gives us a thrill: she's a lesbian. Shocking, yes, but it's true. After homosexual Adam Lambert made it so far last season, Idol producers are now publicly acknowledging — or, at least, accepting — the show's innate gayness. (Although, lesbians are far less controversial than those sissy boys, but still.) This isn't only a step for out celebrities, but for the show itself.

Third, DeGeneres is funny, and not sad, pathetic funny like the oft-ridiculed Adbul. She's a comedienne and can actually make us laugh, something that doesn't intentionally happen that often when Simon, Randy or that other girl judge contestants. So, that's good.

Finally, we feared that Idol producers would try to reinvigorate a long-lost pop star's celebrity status, as they did with Abdul herself. Or, just as worrisome, they could have tried to bring on a sensational, but ultimately pathetic, celebrity, like audition judge Posh Spice. Such a move would have looked either like a blatant, desperate ratings ploy or simply an attempt to make lighting strike twice. DeGeneres is well-respected, highly popular and, most importantly, still famous, all of which are good. Also, she doesn't need the money, which, we're sure, made contact negotiations a breeze.

Why did Paula do it? After I reported three weeks ago that Idol's "nice judge" Paula Abdul was considering walking away from the television behemouth, her manager's statements were widely considered to be a negotiating ploy. [Ed. note: To totally brag, Richard was the only reporter who actually spoke to Abdul's manager during her contract negotiations.] However, after doing several Abdul contract pieces this year I saw that beneath the bluster, she was in fact, emotionally getting ready to make the change. Why would you walk away from the biggest show in TV history?

1. She wasn't joking about the money. Jaws dropped when I reported a few months back that while mean judge Cowell was making upwards of $40 million, Abdul was making downwards of 2 million. And she had had enough of this. It's been reported since that she asked for $20 million in a new contract and Idol was willing to bump her up into the range of $4 million. From my chats with her and her manager, she was very serious about not coming back unless the increase was something major.

2. She can get more elsewhere. People say, "But Paula is nothing without Idol!" The proper phrasing might be, she would've been nothing without Idol. But now she is an on-screen character of the biggest show in the world and she's a free agent. There are a lot of networks out there (four to be precise) who would try anything — anything — to take even a small bite out of the Idol juggernaut, and they'd be willing to pay a lot more than $4 million to do it. Why not an Idol competitor starring Paula on another net?

3. Living in the Cowell shadow is only fun for so long. And that amount of time is something less than 8 years. Having to make a fraction of his money, have a fraction of the respect and clout he gets around the set and around the world, eventually the "I'm just lucky to be here" feeling wears off. And once it was announced a few week's back that Seacrest's contract too would soar into the stratosphere, all incentive to take table scraps and keep riding in the back seat evaporated.

4. She wants to be her own woman and mogul. Eight years of filling in the assigned ditsy-whipping girl slot on the panel on someone else's show, forget about whether the slot is deserved, can make you start dreaming about what kind of show you would really like to be doing. Believe it or not, Paula brims with ideas for her own shows — witness her cheerleading competition in the last year. And walking away with a bit of Idol luster, my guess is there'll be a lot of people ready to take some meetings.

5. It's not about the money but...the right amount of money could have solved all the above problems. My guess is somehow or other, Idol decided over the last month or so that this should go back to a three judge format — it was universally agreed the four judge panel had become a monster — and the third judge would be Kara whose contract they announced last week ahead of this. They also put out the eye-popping figures Seacrest would be pulling down on his new deal before going into Paula's negotiation. Considering Ryan still had a year left on his contract, there was no reason that had to happen, and if they were really going into a serious negotiation with Paula, having that out there didn't help.

The question now for Idol, without its token nice judge, is does the judiciary just become a vicious slapfest, with no respite for the poor struggling but stumbling singers? And will the audiences be turned off by the now unrestrained bloodlust? The only thing riding on that question is hundreds of millions of dollars.

Though we love Paula's slurry antics, the problem with her (and the judging panel as a whole) is that we know exactly what she's going to say before the contestant is even finished butchering their overexposed pop song of the week. Even though Simon Cowell has her back, we can understand why Fox wouldn't want to pay her millions to say "Don't listen to Simon, sweetie. You are a bright light shining from within a blue jay that sings like a butterfly. Now buy my jewelry."

Mary Murphy, on the other hand, is a kook with some cred. Not only did she have a legit dancing career, but her over enthusiasm is saved for the contestants that actually earn it. For those who do less than stellar, she gives them constructively critical remarks.

But when they do well, she is all screams, claps, and laughter while doling out rides on the "Hot Tamale Train." It's kind of like watching a hyena have an orgasm. But funnier. Not only do we love Mary, but we trust her. Paula more like your drunk aunt who you laugh at as she drools on herself in the corner.

We wouldn't change a thing about Paula, and we don't want her as snide as Simon, ridiculous as Randy, or cunty as Kara, but, for heaven's sake, lady, be as critical of the singers as you are in your drug prescriptions.

Shawn Levy's Date Night is going to be star-studded! Tina Fey and Steve Carell were already on board to play a married couple out on their... um... date... night. But the cast will now include Mark Wahlberg as a buff dude who hits on Fey and James Franco as a low-level crook. Also in the cast are Common, Taraji P. Henson, Gossip Girl's Leighton Meester, and Kristen Wiig. Sheesh. [Variety] Speaking of star-studded. Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, and Sarah Palin will all be memorialized in TV film form by HBO. The cabler has optioned the book Game Change: Obama and the Clintons, McCain and Palin, and the Race of a Lifetime. A screenwriter (Charles Leavitt, who wrote Blood Diamond, cause, you know, Obama, Africa) is already attached but only one bit of casting has been announced. Sarah Palin will be played by Velma from Scooby Doo. [Variety, Ryan had some thoughts on this last night]

Fan of prancy, dancy figure skater nymphs? Good news for you then! Grand fashion fop of the skating world Johnny Weir will have his own reality series on Sundance. Be Good Johnny Weir will follow the fantasticat and his posse as they prep for the 2010 Olympics. Evidently launching a bid to become as geigh as Bravo, the net has also picked up The Day Before, about what fashion models do 36 hours before they do the world's hardest job, walking in clothes. [Variety] As if regular TV was even relevant anymore! Online audiences are growing by the bushel. Lost alone had 1.4 million unique online viewers last month. Total online video viewership was up 39% from last March. Remember the internet! [Variety]

Showtime has renewed its soft core period drama The Tudors for a fourth and final season. The series' final arc will follow King Henry Rhys Meyers and the last of his two wives, me and then me wearing a wig. We're all very excited about it. [Variety] Ugh, song of purple bummer. Vastly overrated musical Spring Awakening (gorgeous score, fairly limp everything else) might be getting the film treatment. From none other than prestigious director McG. He of the Charlie's Angels and the soon-to-be-seen SkyNet's Devils. The musical is about German teenagers fucking like a million years ago. They wear knickers. And sing pretty songs. And act very, very self-important. [THR]

Wait, I just said TV might not be relevant, right? I was wrong. Bravo, still number one in gaydom, has greenlit a new series that's like its dearly departed Project Runway, but this time stars... celebrities. Launch My Line will follow a bunch of grasping "famous" people (like Tia Mowry maybe, probably Vivica A. Fox at this point, that guy from your bus this morning, a small child [dwarf?] wearing a sailor's hat) who are trying to launch their own clothing line (think: Kathy Ireland ceiling fans). They'll get help from a professional design type. Dear lord I sort of can't wait. [THR]

Other bits: Book McMafia has been nabbed for a movie adaptation. [THR] The Daily Show has added a new correspondent. [THR] And Simon Cowell might leave American Idol. [EW]

This latest addition to the Defamer beefcake collection (of Seacrest and his man-duo partner Simon Cowell jetskiing in the Caribbean) is ideal for those Seacrest fantasists who had always imagined him in his off hours, adorned in nothing but a vest, a saucy, come-hither stare, and something dangling from his lips. Enjoy, and kill yourself.

[Photo Credit: Bauer Griffin]

· Sony marketing and distribution chairman Jeff Blake will stay with the studio through 2012, the last piece of a prized top-brass chess-set their Japanese overlords can place around a life-sized, Hollywood-themed game board until at at least 2011. [Variety]
· 21 writer Peter Steinfeld will turn to another odds-game scam story, adapting lottery scam memoir Money for Nothing for Warner Independent. [THR]
· DreamWorks has optioned five-part comic book series Atlantis, about malevolent aliens living in the deepest part of the oceans. (Isn't destroying the Earth kind of counterproductive in that case?) They'll tantalizingly dangle the property before Paramount execs, before cruelly snatching it away and snapping, "Not so fast, ex-Mrs. DreamWorks!" [THR]

Where could this money have gone? Perhaps it slipped into the budget for series development at Fox, and they are currently brainstorming a primetime cross between Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader and Cops. Or maybe it went to the Brian Dunkleman Fund for out-of-work comedians. The public won't know for sure until the end of May, when the government - which is currently auditing the accounting of last year's "Idol Gives Back" - forces them to release their records. (Although we hear the Feds have requested that some records never be released: Specifically, those of Amanda Overmyer and Ramiele Malubay.)

Nevermind that Fox has the most valuable ad space in primetime. Or that they charge $1 per text vote, which by my math - and I only got a perfect score on the SAT math, so don't hold me to this - means they "raise" about $100 million every three weeks for their own pockets. This week, as you sit on your couch and enjoy the roller coaster of emotion and gutteral reactions that is "Idol Gives Back" ("Fergie and Heart are nailing Barracuda... Oh my god, are flies coming out of that kid's eye... Rihanna looks so pretty in her fancy dress... Is that a woman actually drowning in Hurricane Katrina?") just know this: You can sit back and feel good, knowing that your charitable contribution is definitely helping the needy. Just maybe not as much as Fox would like you to think.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Where 'Idol's' Charitable Arm Reaches

"I've never had any work done. I've had a facial or two because I've got to get that makeup out of my pores. Otherwise, I'll look like Pizza Face."

We kid! Certainly there's more to ruling the world than facials, right? As Seacrest himself puts it, "I knew exactly what my path was when I was 9 years old...I knew there'd be about 3 million steps, but I also knew I had to get through them." But how do his idols feel about their replacement? According to Regis Philbin, it was the matter of being the right person at the right time. Then there's the fact that Seacrest has informed The Washington Post that he intends on taking over for Larry King once he, uh, "goes." And fellow talk show host Craig Ferguson has his own opinions on the Seacrest sensation: "Ryan admitted that he cried at Eva Longoria Parker's wedding...Hang in there, Ryan. Someday you'll find someone just like Tony."

But despite all the insults, jabs and jeers from Cowell three nights a week, Ryan's massive success is becoming less and less mockable. Why? He's got cash — LOTS of cash. He takes in $12 mill annually from hosting Idol and he recently inked a 3 year deal with the notorious cheapskates at E! for $21 mill. Now add his (undisclosed) income from radio shows, his clothing line, and endless endorsement deals, and you're looking at a guy who's made a fortune based on good manicures, sexual ambiguity, and a mouth so chatty he really does give Larry a run for his money. If only he could manage to explain that whole "flu" fiasco at this year's Golden Globes, we'd forgo our years of player-hatin' and crown him king.

• THE MAN, THE BRAND, THE PLAN TO RULE TV [Washington Post]
• RYAN SEACREST INC.[Nikki Finke]

· Competitors will not only have to outplay the Gladiators, but also demonstrate that they possess an innate, star-making quality, which Cowell calls the "G-Force." Otherwise, as he puts it, "I think to myself, 'So what?' I could see that kind of foam-baton jousting match on virtually any cruise deck in the Mediterranean."
· In the final event, The Paulanator, competitors will be required to transport a slack, comatose Paula Abdul through a challenging gauntlet, up a backwards-moving conveyor belt, and finally toss the singer's dead weight into a pool of ice water in the hopes of reviving her. Should she lose her weave at any point in the course, a five second penalty will be automatically dispensed.

• Cowell is ITV's new Gladiator [thesun.co.uk]

It's hard to believe, but before Simon Cowell arrived on our shores to douse the dreams of a generation of deeply deluded underachievers, the STG was a practically nonexistent entity on the pop-culture landscape. Thanks to Idol, however, we can regularly familiarize ourselves with these lovable heartland outcasts during their unspoiled formative years—before they come of age, depart their dead-end towns for gay-friendly metropolitan centers, then monopolize all the retail jobs and gym equipment within a 40-mile-radius. So to every STG with a Kelly Clarkson song in his heart and a dream, we salute you. Gay on, our gay brothers.

• americanidol.com

I clean the house yesterday and I find la crema of odour genitales Nodoro, at the Simon Cawell house from Americano Idol. He not a nice man, so I was laughing so hard!!! ;P

I help clean temporary many different house. This house is [redacted] en Beverly Hills. Please you cannot say my name. Gracias, [Redacted].

Having been unfamiliar with the ball-stench-combatting properties of miracle ointment NodorO™, we didn't immediately know what our tipster was referring to. Luckily, after conferring with a highly placed Defamer operative well-versed in the condition, we were guided to their website. That we learned there of the product's heavy sponsorship of Howard Stern's show, however, did little to convince us of the authenticity of our helpful, Defamer-savvy housekeeper. Still, if there was even a slim chance that the acerbic Idol judge—whose balls we always imagined to smell of an intoxicating mixture of juniper berries and talc—is or has ever suffered from embarrassing nutstink, we were relieved to learn he can now lead a healthy and fulfilling existence thanks to NodorO™.

"Extra" went straight to the source, and the TV mogul told us he was actually sick.

Simon was laid up for four days and didn't pull a "Britney-type hissy fit," adding, "For the first time in six years, I called in sick."

Keep in mind, this is coming from a man who attended the mixing sessions for Ruben Studdard's debut album, so save your baseless accusations of malingering. Simon Cowell is likely recuperating with plenty of rest, vitamin C, and the smooth drag of a menthol cigarette, the medicine of choice for England's elite and this country's working poor.

• Simon Cowell Denies Throwing a Fit at Photoshoot [Extra]