Given the assertion that all the Bunnies get to have to sleep with Hef and get their own sex toys, we figured there was no better place to start that the Bunnies from the 70s we determined seemed most likely to choke the life out of Hef with a sex toy.

The Suspects
Star Stowe, Miss February 1977
While Stowe, in her profile, claims that she admires Hugh Hefner and thinks a great date would be "creeping around old spooky places and getting the hell scared out of you," she admits that one of her turnoffs is "When guys come on too strong and get grabby." That can't have boded well for Hef. Her dream was to become "the most radical, bisexual rock star there ever could be... [with] that pirate butch attitude."

Debra Jo Fondren, Miss September 1977
Despite the obvious guilt-by-association that comes from having a using two first names, Fondren gets less scary when you learn that she's into "bareback riding" — but she prefers "gentle" men and hates "Pushy people, opinionated people, loud people, being rushed, being told what to do," so she doesn't exactly sound right for The Mansion. She does however admit to being a fan of "trap and skeet shooting," which indicates that if she were to off Hef, she probably wouldn't do it with a sex toy.

Ashley Cox, Miss December 1977
Ashley Cox is nominated because of the fact that her picture scared me a little: She looks decidedly unhappy and freaked out to be naked. Also, her name is Cox.

Christina Smith, Miss March 1978
Christina Smith doesn't look freaked as much as she looks sort of annoyed and possibly pissed off, which, for someone with the lofty ambition of modeling in TV commercials, seems sort of out of place. While her turnoffs included "husbands" — which probably impressed Hef — and "'high class' people" — which probably did the same — but who knows how she would have felt once she's bedded him and found out that he wasn't the "decent" man of whom she was dreaming.

Kathryn Morrison, Miss May 1978
If anyone of this crew looks more like she'd shove a sex toy down Hef's throat just to watch him die, it's definitely Kathryn Morrison. She's also not so keen on "Liars and people who think and act like they know everything," which you gotta think Hef isn't the world's most honest lover.

Dorothy Mays, Miss July 1979
With dreams of glory ranging from opening up a men's salon in Maryland to having her own farm, Dorothy Mays is a little bit all over the map, as her sexy-but-I-will-cut-you pose indicates. Her turnoffs include "Jealousy, materialistic people, poor organization," which described Hef to a T, so it's safe to say that didn't end well.

The Weapons
The criteria for this category included objects that can be inserted into the mouth far enough to block respiration if the nose is similarly plugged and could or would be used by women. Thus, we did not include monster dildos or male masturbatory aids. If you know of ways those could be used to choke people, please never tell us.

Ben Wa Balls
Definitely a choking hazard for toddlers, Hef additionally seems like the type of guy who would gladly lick them clean and, if one didn't keep hold of the string, there'd be trouble.

Butt Plug
Gross, I know, but I've seen enough anal-to-oral sex porn to know that some people get off on sucking dick that has only recently been removed from someone else's asshole. I guarantee Hef has tried this at least once and, given a little pressure and a wide enough plug, you could definitely choke someone with a butt plug.
Anal Beads
If you can shove them up your ass, you can shove them down someone's throat. Enough said.

Bullet Vibrator
Pretty much everything I said about Ben Wa balls, but with the addition of mechanical vibration which would have to hurt the back of your throat.

Jiggly Dildo
Plug someone's nose and face fuck them with this ("Oh, how do you like it, Hef? Huh? Can't talk, huh? Not so much fun, huh?") and you'll have a dead face-fuckee.

Ball Gag
It is designed to gag you. If it was just a little too small and fell off the harness, it could do some damage.

The Sites
Since Hef doesn't seem to fuck anywhere but his own place, it seems like he'd have to be killed there. The most likely locations were be: the Grotto, the Library, his bedroom, his bathroom, the Playmate's room, and the left wing of the game house (which reportedly consists entirely of a padded floor and a television)

The Verdict
Well, that's up to you! Was it Debra Jo in the grotto with a dildo? Ashley Cox in the library with the anal beads? Kathryn Morrison in the game house with the ben wa balls? Play your own game of Clue in the comments!

Barging into the House of Bunny! [Extra]

Related: Naked Ambition [Radar]
Star Stowe [Playboy]
Debra Jo Fondren [Playboy]
Ashley Cox [Playboy]
Christina Smith [Playboy]
Kathryn Morrison [Playboy]
Dorothy Mays [Playboy]
The Playboy Mansion [Wikipedia]

The starry-eyed Kitson wannabe Intuition, who assures online shoppers they cater "to celebrities and Hollywood wives" in case you were worried, has an exclusive first look at Lindsay's highly anticipated leggings line, and the rumored public blow job volunteer has delivered a mini-preview that does not disappoint. In another apparent homage to her (yes, we get it already) icon Marilyn Monroe, the entire collection is called "6126," Monroe's birthday, and one standout pair is named the "Mr. President Leggings," an eyesore that comes with built-in knee pads. Get it?! Like, when you're doing a striptease and croaking out "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" to your nearly unconscious beau of the moment, a mere $132 will ensure a blurry morning after without any pesky knee scrapes for once!

[Photo credits: Shop Intuition]

• ROD TOWNSEND [Rod Townsend]

Please know that from here on out, most links will be NSFW, as are the images after the jump.

So that picture of me above with that sex doll? That's a knock-off of a Real Doll. They are $5,000 (about $1,500 less than a Real Doll), and it's really obviously a jankier version. Some random dude walked over to us as I was feeling her up and he said, "Looks like my ex-wife. She couldn't cook, but man could she fuck." And then he walked away. I'm thinking those sort of one-way, TMI conversations with strangers is fairly commonplace here.

The lady working the booth wouldn't let me touch the doll's face, but I touched its "breast" instead and found out that it's made out of sticky material. (Either that or someone's already had their way with her). After we walked away from that booth, Jonno pulled out some Purell and I thought, "Oh, damn, good idea."

We turned the corner and saw the real Real Doll booth. The skin on the samples they had around were much smoother. It's kind of amazing to see them in real life, because they're just too realistic. Even the half-body versions were confusing me in my peripheral vision; I kept thinking they were people staring at me. And this display caught my eye:

You can swap out the peens for different lengths and girths, depending on your mood, I guess. When I saw all of them together I couldn't help but think about how everyone always raves about the buffets in Vegas.

Oh and this is the face of the doll that was featured in Lars and the Real Girl. (Not to be a square or a whatevs, but that poster of Ryan Gosling did a lot more for me and my vagina than anything else I'd seen on the floor today.)

There isn't much of a gay presence this year at the convention (or says Jonno, my tour guide), but I did meet these dudes from Naked Swords, an on-demand video site. Check out that bulge in the pants of the tan dude on the left.

Oh, so I've only got one toy so far. They wouldn't give it to me for free to test and review, but I got one for wholesale. It's called the Fukuoku Five-Finger Massage Glove. An older woman dressed as a cop with a badge that read "Sexy" used it on my back and it felt like heaven (I'll let you know how it feels on my vagina as soon as a I get a minute alone), while an older dude dressed in hospital scrubs was demonstrating an electric toothbrush vibrator on my neck and arms. He was a close talker. Oh, and then I caught what his hospital scrubs said:

That's "pussy shaver" in case you aren't able to make it out.

We didn't do the whole floor today, since we still have all day tomorrow. We were kinda exhausted and hungry and had a bit of mall head. But just outside the convention center, in the hallway, I saw these women, who were AWESOME.

They aren't working a booth or with any company. They independently put out a DVD, the name of which I never caught. And they were a lot of fun. I went to take a picture of them, and some hotel security woman came over to me and was like, "No pictures in the hallway." The girl on the far right was like, "She can take a picture of me if she want. Go 'head, baby. Snap. Snap-snap. Snap it, girl."

Tonight we're going to a Village Voice/Babeland party, so I'll be reporting back from that. I'll also be posting some fashion galleries tomorrow. I'm praying that I get into some major shit tonight. I'm thinking it won't be too hard to achieve. Anyway, this is just the introduction to my Vegas Diary. Now that I've got all the boring shit out of the way, we can delve into the debauchery tomorrow.

Oh, and as I sign off, here is the view from my room:

Rita Rudner! Her eyes are freaking me out.

Earlier: All Dolled Up With No Place To Go