Be excited for: Flash Forward, the new ABC mindbender about the Hoffs/Drawler Funeral Parlor, Joel McHale's comedy about community college, and a second season of Parks & Recreation. These are shows that the networks are pitching to ad folks as exciting members of their new fall lineup. My Name Is Earl might be canceled. So. He giveth, and He taketh away. [Variety]

Marcus Nispel, who directed that beautifully-filmed-but-scary-and-awful Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, is in talks to steer The Last Voyage of the Demeter, about the Bulgarian boat that Dracula is aboard and everyone dies. It's in Bram Stoker's book, which was based on Francis Ford Coppola's movie, I'm pretty sure. [Variety]

Warner Bros. has acquired the rights to Japanese manga series Death Note, which they plan to make into a live-action movie. The series is about a guy who gets a magical power which enables him to kill anyone just by writing their name down on a piece of paper. We hear Dick Cheney's a fan. [Variety]

I... hm. So? Well. Here's the— Eesh. OK. Hot Tub Time Machine. Is the name of a movie. And it's about exactly what it sounds like it's about. John Cusack and Rob Corddry are in it. And now so are Crispin Glover, Lizzie Kaplan, and Kings boombalottie Sebastian Stan. It's about old friends who travel back to 1987 in a magical hot tub. I guess it's like a throwbacky kinda comedy? 80's comedy pastiche/homage? About a time traveling hot tub? The world is maybe out of ideas? [THR]

Jim Carrey might star in The Beaver, that buzzed-about comedy about a guy who has a relationship with his beaver hand puppet. So Jim Carrey wouldn't be the beaver. Even though he looks like... Anyway, Jodie Foster might direct! [THR]

Oh how faaabulous. Barry Levinson is doing a movie about coming of age in 1960's Baltimore. It's totally not Liberty Heights! That was set in the 50's! [THR]

Congratulations. Your life's dream has been realized. Disney has renewed Wizards of Waverly Place for a third season, plus there's going to be a movie this summer. For those of you who would call star Selena Gomez a rat-faced menace, you people are just crazy. And for those of you who harbor illicit desires for that kid who plays her older brother, well... Happy May Day! Ha! [THR]

But this week's seismic release of the new Jonas Brothers album A Little Bit Longer — and the ensuing tear-streaked, hair-gnawing tween bedlam (best evinced by the accompanying snapshot from the group's recent TRL appearance) — has us taking the Jonases' impact much more seriously. After all, today's young pop heroes are tomorrow's clinically wasted reality TV icons; on that basis alone their soaring stars deserve a closer look and deeper understanding — or at least a handy Defamer fact sheet for your water-cooler convenience. Everything you need to know is after the jump.

I. KNOW YOUR JONASES

(Then there's "bonus Jonas" Frankie (a/k/a "Frank the Tank"), who, at 7 years old, is too young for non-Chosen Blob editorial consideration at Defamer.)

Legend has it Nick was discovered singing at a New Jersey barbershop around the time of his last haircut at age 6. Broadway followed for him and Joe; Nick was signed to Columbia shortly thereafter, at which time they were conveniently bundled for their 2006 debut It's About Time.

II. KNOW THEIR CANON

This week's A Little Bit Longer is the Jonas Brothers' third full-length album and their first to revive a discarded Spinal Tap title. Their preceding albums — It's About Time (2006) and The Jonas Brothers (2007) — each broke the Billboard Top 100, with the latter album peaking at #5. The new one is expected to debut at #1. The brothers have made their biggest impact in the cutthroat genre of Abbreviated Gerund Rock, with the hits "Burnin' Up" and "Pushin' Me Away" each receiving unprecedented download action at iTunes.

Their film and TV work is equally impressive, with their guest-starring breakthrough in Cyrus's Best of Both Worlds concert film opening the door for their monumental musical Camp Rock — the soundtrack to which was another smash. The movies cemented them alongside Cyrus among the Disney Channel's most influential draws. (Nick and Miley's eventual romance was its own drama, but we'll get to that.) A Camp Rock sequel is forthcoming, as are a reality show and concert film based on their current, sold-out, hormonally corrosive concert tour.

III. KNOW THEIR ACCOLADES

The Jonases won six Teen Choice Awards in 2007, including "Choice Summer Song" for "Burnin' Up" and a three-way tie for "Choice Hottie." Critics are falling in line as well, with Rolling Stone offering A Little Bit Longer four stars and esteemed MySpace critic IHeartDjDanger persuasively adding:

"THE WHOLE CD IS AMAZING THOUGH!! after I listened to it, I was like "NOW I'M SPEECHLESS OVER THE EDGE I'M JUST BREATHELESS!" AHH, i ALSO LOVE sHELF!! oooh, and I love the second verse of can't have you sooooooooo much!!! it is so awesome when you repeat the lines all eachoey!!

IV. KNOW THEIR STYLE

Upmarket, overproduced boy-pop cheese, with lots of collars, blazers, denim, ties, fruity scarves, hair products, pitchy vocals and derivative culture riffs, a potent mash perhaps best depicted in this excerpt of their video for "Burnin' Up":

V. KNOW THEIR LOVE LIVES

Love lives? What love lives? The super-wholesome Jonas Brothers, evangelical sons of an ex-pastor, wear purity rings and have vowed abstinence until marriage. Nevertheless, Nick is very publicly the poster child for Disney Channel incest, having had successive relationships with Cyrus and now (allegedly!) Selena Gomez. OMG they are so cuuuuute! Alas, Miley begs to differ. Meanwhile, Joe has been linked to country singer Taylor Swift, with one gossip blogger saying the two retreated to his hotel room last night for Joe's birthday. Ewww gross. Kevin is unofficially connected to slightly downmarket actress/model/vocalist Zoe Myers.

You, too, can date a Jonas by following a few easy steps enumerated by the brothers this week in the estrogen maelstrom that was TRL:

VI. KNOW THEIR EMPIRE

The Jonases reportedly earned a measly $12 million in 2007 — a number certain to spike by the end of 2008 after another ongoing, sold-out tour. They recently closed on a $2.8 million mansion in a gated enclave outside Dallas, with each brother's wardrobe getting its own bedroom and where the boys are safer than ever from temptations such as girls, drugs and actual rock music.

VII. KNOW YOUR FUN FACTS

· Nick Jonas is a Type-1 diabetic.

· Ali Lohan chose an East Hampton, N.Y., Jonas Bros. concert last weekend to unveil her fantastic new breasts.

· Joe Jonas is literally known to prize his hair above all other worldly possessions.

· Kevin Jonas's favorite food is sushi.

· Nick claims to have written the brothers' hit "S.O.S." in 10 minutes.

· At any given time, as many as 20 people at once are watching "Burnin' Up" on YouTube.

· Their bodyguard Big Rob keeps a blog of his Jonas-protecting exploits and is the guest rapper heard on "Burnin' Up."

Again, we're new to this, so please help us help you by filling in any noteworthy blanks below. The world needs to know.

boomp3.com

Popular tween superstar Miley "Milerz" Cyrus could've used a little assistance from her partner in crime Mandy "Manderz" Jiroux as the twosome left a Southern California shopping center. Cyrus politely asked for Jiroux to carry at least one of the bags while walking to the car, adding that Jiroux could borrow the "totally sweet" Ed Hardy tank top she got if she carried one of the bags. Jiroux said, "It's either I give you a ride home or I carry one of your bags to the bus stop and we're quite away from Burbank, pumpkin. And you know that I'm going to borrow that tank top either way." Attempting to figure out the distance between the mall and Burbank, Cyrus soldiered on with all of her bags.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Hard-nosed investigative analysis after the jump:

First of all, let's eliminate a few. Out of Us Weekly's list of twelve star virgins, at least two are famously deflowered: the indefatigable Britney Spears and the formerly married Jessica Simpson. And though we can't be sure Gary Coleman has finally done the deed, we'd like to believe his wedding (and Al Roker's prodding) may have helped hasten things along.

That leaves us with nine star virgins, and three of those are the Jonas Brothers. Take them out of the equation, and you're left with six separate celebrities, all of whom (it may not surprise you to learn) are young and female. Yes, while we can't imagine that a reporter would ever ask, say, Phil of the Future if he'd given it up yet, apparently the world would fall off its axis if even one famous teen girl neglected to reveal the state of her hymen. Let's hear it for sexual stereotypes and pernicious double standards!

• Star Virgins [Us Magazine]

boomp3.com

At a press conference on Wednesday afternoon, Wizards of Waverly Place star Selena Gomez finally announced her decision to run for America's Teen Queen. In her speech, Gomez outlined numerous domestic policies including plans for cheaper lip-gloss, universal gift cards for Forever 21 and weekly Jonas Brothers concerts. During her speech, Gomez refrained from bashing her competitor, Miley Cyrus, even going as far as saying that Cyrus has taken some pretty cool photos, but cool photos aren't enough to lead America. At the end of her speech Gomez said, "We're going to go to the Teen Choice Awards! We're going to be on the Ryan Seacrest radio show, Tom Harkin! The Today Show! Live With Regis & Kelly! Robertson Blvd! The Morning Show With Mike & Julie! Raging Waters! And then we're going to take it all the way to MTV Music Awards and we're going to win! Burbank High football rules! YEAH!"

Photo Credit: Splash Pic

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Unlike those many photos of Miley kissing recently stolen ex-boyfriend Nick Jonas, Hilary Duff and some rando old man, Cyrus was mysteriously photographed in a series of heavy lip-locks with the not-so-famous fellow crooner Thomas Sturges this month, a little-known singer who is said to be another ex of the apparently quite experienced Miley. We don't know about you, but when we were 15, we were still trying to get the tall blond boy who doodled cartoons during chem lab to at least lock eyes with us just once, let alone come within tongue-twisting distance. But luckily for Miley, all these presumably distressing photo leaks have landed her a potentially lucrative spokesperson job offer for Lifestyles Condoms, who claim her virgin-esque image is ideal as an "influential" face for the brand. Plus, they're offering the uber-mature tween a lifetime supply, "for when the time is right." Which, we have to assume, was approximately one year ago. The silver lining? Miley is "super sorry" about ripping rival Selena Gomez apart on YouTube! Because, like, "Elvis said imitation is the greatest form of flattery!" And, like, Miley is way richer than Elvis and way more important, so quoting him quoting an 18th century writer sounds way smart and stuff!

[Photo credits: Oceanup.com via Celebslam]

• MORE MILEY CYRUS PHOTO LEAKS [CelebSlams]
• MILEY CYRUS SORRY FOR MOCKING SELENA GOMEZ IN YOUTUBE VIDEO [Fox News]
• CONDOM MAKER SEEKS ENDORSEMENT DEAL WITH MILEY CYRUS [NYDN]

The NY Daily News is reporting that Gomez, the sultry-ish star of The Wizards Of Waverly Place, has been dating yet another 15-year old, singer Nick Jonas. As many of you may know (however embarrassing it is to admit), Jonas is the rumored intended recipient of most of Cyrus' kissy-face iPhone photos and pouty shower shots that hit the Internets recently. While Jonas is admittedly cute in an adolescent John Mayer sort of way, we don't see why a break-up with the kid should prompt Miley into such bitter antics. Making fun of Gomez and her alarmingly sexy best friend / fellow Disney star Demi Lovato in this clip, Cyrus drops some low-blows about the gap in Lovato's teeth (one that has since been fixed) and the fact that Lovato wears a touch of black make-up (and looks just fine in it). However, the attack seems to be backfiringl, mainly because Miley — who frequently succumbs to giggle attacks and slurring throughout the vid — made her rep as the good girl next door and not as a conniving backstabber (or, for that matter, as an burgeoning anti-Semite with her use of the word "scheisty"). Fasten your seatbelts, it looks like we have another Lohan vs. Duff feud brewing as we type.

• MILEY CYRUS MOCKS SELENA GOMEZ ON YOUTUBE [Us]
• MILEY CYRUS EX NICK JONAS DATING SELENA GOMEZ, THE 'NEXT MILEY CYRUS' [NYDN]

As we noted last month, another astonishingly mature-looking 15-year old at the House of Mouse was rumored to be crowned The Next Miley: Selena Gomez, star of some kind of Clarissa Explains It All reincarnation called Wizards Of Waverly Place. And yet another 15-year old Disney starlet, Demi Lovato, is teaming up with Gomez to steadily out-scandalize Cyrus. Back in May, the competitors were seen wearing matching black bikinis in a very touchy-feely series of self-released leaked photos set in a hot tub. And Lovato, a dead ringer for Shannon Elizabeth circa-American Pie, recently nabbed the lead in Disney's upcoming Welcome To Mollywood, which sounds like a sneaky attempt on the network's part to both steal Defamer's own Molly Duo's collective thunder (not to mention, uh, Mollywood's!), and focus all their efforts on introducing Lovato as, well, the new Miley.

Miley's response to all the impending de-crowning? As Female First reports,

"Miley has revealed talented Disney actresses Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato have no chance of being 'the next Miley' because there is only one. She said: 'People are looking up to what I do. But, I don't think there could be a next Miley. I think they should be the next Selena, Demi. Make their own way.'"

Thanks for clearing that up, Miley! Not only did you just proclaim that all your fans are "looking up to" your homemade pornos, but managed to spark a tween battle reminiscent of Lohan Vs. Duff. This is going to get good...

[Photo credits: Egotastic, Hollywood Grind]

• MILEY MIGHT BE GUNNING FOR RACY FILM ROLE [MSNBC]
• MILEY CYRUS TO STRIP ON SCREEN [Female First]

Lindsay Lohan v. Hilary Duff: As silly, catty and pointless as the battle for waste of space Aaron Carter was back in 2003, freckle-faced Lindsay Lohan and healthy Hilary Duff spent years exchanging passive-aggressive jabs aimed at each other via bad songs, magazine interviews, and of course, endless false claims that things were Totally Cool! between the two. The feud was memorably spoofed in this 2004 SNL clip in which Lindsay assures the world there's no truth to her feuds with Duff (as portrayed by Rachel Dratch).

Lauren Conrad v. Kristin Cavallari and Lauren Conrad vs. Heidi Montag: After spending a few shameful years with our eyes glued to the insanely gorgeous cast of MTV's Laguna Beach, the series ended its wildly successful run with a focus on the brewing animosity between good girl LC and bad girl with bigger boobs Kristin Cavallari. Over an irritatingly boring boy, of course. But Lauren Conrad's girl trouble didn't stop there. Along with the rumored cat pee-based tension between Lauren and silicone-enhanced roommate Audrina Patridge on The Hills, the entire point of the show has always circled around her hatred of hip hop star/runaway bride of Frankenstein, Heidi Montag. High-pitched screaming fights both seen on-camera and gossiped about endlessly off-camera, have been reported for what feels like centuries. And yet, and yet...how to look away?

Shannen Doherty v. Entire Beverly Hills: 90210 Cast: Doherty landed the career-changing part of Brenda Walsh in 1990 at the age of 19, and almost as soon as the epic series wrapped its first few episodes, rumors were rampant that her on-screen catty demeanor was not a result of magnificent acting. After just four years, Brenda’s character was shipped off to Paris and replaced by the sexier Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. Why? Long story short, Doherty made a series of bizarre decisions off-camera: trashing hotel rooms, adding two quickie marriages followed by two quickie divorces to her personal resume, giving paparazzi the bird, and most memorably, appearing in uncomfortably unsexy nudie spreads in Playboy.

• DISNEY STAR SELENA GOMEZ: I'M NOT FEUDING WITH MILEY [People]