Our tipster notes that Nancy is "just emailing everyone she knows, asking you to pass it on! So I did." As will we. No need to thank us, Nancy. Since you gave $10 million to Scientology, you need every penny.

Some pictures of the bed follow.

Ok!
"I'll Love Him Forever." This article, titled "Our Love Story," is about how Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are "like an old married couple." Why? Because they would drive to the set of Eclipse together, and, when headed home, one would wait for the other to get out of wardrobe and makeup. Oh, and Rob is like a "human magnet" for Kristen. They love each other, etc. BREAKING: Heels are not rain boots, Suri Cruise! (See image 7) Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom are "prepping for parenthood" by getting a dog. Lindsay Lohan has been partying all night every night in the last few days. The source here is a paparazzo who follows LL. He says: "After 4, 5, 6 in the morning, she's really crazy. She screams and yells and says very mean things, even though she knows us very well." Maybe she doesn't want to be followed at 5 am? Anyway, another "friend" says Lindsay refuses to go to rehab: "We ask, we beg, but she won't listen."
Grade: F (headlice)

Us
"Her Secret Deal."
Katie Holmes is sad and lonely because she's "committed herself" to a seven-year contract and Tom tells her what to wear, how to cut her hair and when to work out. "He even told her to be pale like Nicole [Kidman]," says a source. Meanwhile, Suri is 3 going on 30 with her heels and San Pelligrino and so on. As for Katie, the mag says her "situation" will "not improve until November 2013," when her contract is up. Moving on: Recently at a West Hollywood nightclub, Lindsay Lohan shouted at two photographers: "Why don't you go find my dad? He's the one who wants the pictures." Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are stalking the stork; a source says: "Gwen has told friends she's trying for another baby." In Rob and Kristen news, they ordered the same thing for room service breakfast recently — and had it delivered to one room, which means, OMG, he slept over. A hotel staffer adds, "They were already dressed when room service was delivered." You can practically feel the magazine's disappointment! In case you're unsure of the milestones in the "Robsten" relationship, Us has provided a handy timeline (See image 8). Jon Gosselin is threatening to have a showdown on Thanksgiving because Kate Gosselin plans to invite her bodyguard, Steve Neild. A source says Jon's jealous: "Even though he knows it's over with Kate, he still can't stand the thought of her being with another man, especially Steve." Another source says Kate's constantly on the phone with Steve, "smiling like a teenager" and "I haven't heard her yell in two weeks." Lastly, Jennifer Aniston and two friends flew via private jet to the One & Only Palmilla resort in Cabo San Lucas. "On Aniston's agenda? Morning yoga sessions, lying by the pool, and being waited on hand and foot."
Grade: F (peeling scalp)

Life & Style
"Tears, Joy, And Drama At The Baby Shower."
While the magazine does not flat-out claim that it sponsored Kourtney Kardashian's baby shower, the guests drank from soda bottles decorated with with Kourtney's Life & Style cover (See image 9). And the magazine says: "Life & Style and Simmons jewelry company gave Kourtney a limited edition Hello Kitty necklace made from white gold, enamel and diamonds." Price? $950. There were 84 guests at the party, and they got chocolate Louboutin shoes and swag bags — it was a publicity event, not a baby shower. Each sister gave an exclusive interview to the magazine, which is where the "drama" comes in — Khloe and Kim used to hate Kourtney's baby daddy Scott Disick, because he was accused of cheating on Kourtney, but now they like him, because "he's done small things" like putting the crib together. And he got a job. With QuickTrim. For which the Kardashians are spokesmodels. Moving on: Michael Lohan is trashing Jon Gosselin and the way he treated Kate Major: "You sleep with a woman, you gain her confidence by saying you're going to hire her, then you use her like that?I spoke to Stephanie Santoro, and it was the same thing." Here are three ways Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are copying Angelina and Brad: First they denied they were in a relationship; then they get people used to the idea of them as a couple with an intimate photo shoot in a fashion magazine; then they GRADUALLY show PDA (see image 10). Also inside: Michael Lohan says: "I will not release another audio tape about Lindsay. I did it because I wanted Lindsay to know how I felt when I heard that tape. When I get a phone call at 2, 3, 4, 5 in the morning from my daughter and she's in dire straits, I get very concerned." Lastly: Michael Jackson's funeral cost $1,146,518.62, and the mag itemizes that receipt for you (See image 11).
Grade: D- (clumps of hair falling out)

In Touch
"Yes! They'll Reunite!"
Re: The cover image: Do you love how they are Photoshopped together, with her arm disappearing into his chest? The cover copy reads: "Jen waits for Brad at the resort they love." But inside, what they mean is: She went to a hotel in Mexico she'd been to with Brad and "waited" for him to text her. "After a few glasses of wine on November 13, his pal reveals that Jen ducked away from her group of friends and exchanged a series of text messages with Brad that crossed the line from friendly to downright flirtatious." Oh, and you know how two tell-all books about Brangelina are coming out? Angelina's "tarnished" image is driving Brad away, and he thinks she's brought this on herself because of her addiction to attention. The copy reads: "Brad isn't worried about how the books will affect Angelina, but how they might hurt their children." A source says: "Maddox is old enough to Google his mom now, and Brad is afraid he'll get hurt." Jen's friend says: "Brad seems haggard. All Jen wants to to when she sees him is give him a big hug and tell him he'll be fine." Oh, and Brad and Jen have reconnected over Norman, Jen's sick dog — who used to be Brad's dog, too. Also inside: Geena Davis may have put on 50 lbs. Jennifer Garner may have lost 35 lbs. Britney Spears is in a "race to the altar." She's expecting Jason Trawick to propose over Christmas, and she wants to get married in the summer of 2010. Wait, is that a race? She wants bridesmaids, a gown and a four-tiered cake — a traditional wedding. (What, no pimps and hos sweatsuits?) "Britney wants to tie the knot ASAP to insure that Jason won't leave her again." She also wants her dad's conservatorship to end. Oh, and her dad wants her to start on another album after her tour, while Jason wants her to take a break — and he thinks her family is using her. Next: When Sarah Palin was on Oprah's show, things backstage were "tense." Did Nicole Kidman have a boob job? (See image 12) BREAKING: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson were spotted getting off of a plane in Paris and HOLDING HANDS. "She grinned from ear to ear and snuggled into him happily," a source says. "They're obviously a couple and definitely in love." During their European trip, they booked separate rooms, but she ordered breakfast and coffee for two the day after they arrived. Lastly: a 41-year-old man named Matthew Roberts was adopted as a baby and found his birth mom in 1997, and she told him he was conceived when she was raped during a drug-fueled orgy involving Charles Manson and four other men. Why this story is here we have no idea, but the guy does look like Manson. (See image 13)
Grade: D- (matted hair)

Star
"Katie's $15 Million Tell All."
Since her contract expires on November 18 (TODAY), Katie is "prepared to pen an explosive and embarrassing exposé" of her life behind closed doors. She COULD get $15 million for her confessions. Like: They have separate bedrooms, and she says it's because Tom snores loudly, but Katie has hinted that they've never slept the whole night together. Tom likes it when Katie wears sexy lingerie, and Tom likes to "parade around the house in military uniforms," similar to the ones he wore in Top Gun, A Few Good Men and Valkyrie. "It makes him feel handsome," according to a source. Tom spends hours each day in front of the mirror, checking out his wrinkles and love handles. He also waxes his chest regularly and gets colonics. Tom lets Suri do whatever she wants and has already had to replace mahogany paneling twice in six months, because he lets her draw pictures on the walls. And! "Katie may also decide to go public about Tom's secret Scientology mobile unit. It's a black American-made van that looks like a regular vehicle on the outside, but inside it's fitted with high tech gadgets, monitors and computer equipment worth of a spy flick." A source says Tom spends a ton of time in the van: "It's how he keeps in touch with Scientologists all over the world. It's padded on the inside, so that no one can hear anything on the outside. Not too many people get to see the inside of this thing." Moving on: Did Kim Kardashian get a nose job? (See image 14). Rihanna is a "carbo-loader" who insists on fast-food feasts. And just so you know, Lady Gaga requests a hot, whole roast chicken in her tour rider. Precious star Gabby Sidibe is featured in a piece called "She's Got Style" and the copy reads, "she's a pro when it comes to turning heads." Seriously, there is not ONE crack about her weight from the magazine which does "Best & Worst Beach Bodies" regularly. (See image 15). Drew Barrymore has kicked Justin Long out of her apartment because he's a slob and started acting like a Frat boy, leaving his stuff all over the place. Someone told Jennifer Aniston that her ex, Adam Duritz, was on his way to a party — with his new ladyfriend, Emmy Rossum — so Jen "bolted out the back door." Bruce Willis took his wife Emma Heming to dinner and the owner of the restaurant mistook her for one of his daughters. Blind item! "Which actor plays a loving dad and hubby on TV, but likes to play the field in real life? While his wife cares for their kid, he hits NYC hot spots, trying to pick up young chicks." Khloe Kardashian was spotted picking up half a dozen pregnancy tests at Rite- Aid. In Brad & Angie news, they visited a museum, and the story goes, "They were so inspired by the beauty all around them that they babbled about their future family plans." Angie said: "I have a mosaic in my house. I have ancient cultures, and we celebrate everything. This year, we're doing Christmas, Kwanzaa and even Hanukkah." When asked if she was going to have one more kid, Angie said "I'm always thinking about it. I would love to." Brad said: "You never know." Fantasia Barrino's fans are upset because she is dating a married father of two who left his wife and kids to move in with her. He used to work in a T-mobile store and now Fantasia has his name tattooed on her chest. Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake went to a Jay-Z show and guess who came out to sing "Run This Town"? Rihanna. Seeing her was "like a knife" in Jessica's heart, but Justin danced and sang along. "Jessica stood there like a fool… trying not to cry." The New Moon promotional tour took Rob to Japan and Kristen to South America, and when they were apart, Rob realized he couldn't live without Kristen. So then there's some stuff in here for the Twihards: When Rob and Kristen stayed in that hotel in Paris, he arranged for the staff to place dozens of roses around the room — there were flower petals covering the floor and bed and lit candles everywhere when she walked in. The two are planning to get married once all the Twilight craze dies down. Which is never. They might elope in London. Finally: "Wow, Jen's New Bikini Body" is about how in Mexico, Ms. Aniston's belly was slightly rounder and she ate everything she wanted: "Could she be getting ready to be a mom?" A source says Jen's been hooking up with John Mayer — and they haven't always been careful. The "pal" reminds us: "Just because she's single doesn't mean she can't get pregnant!"
Grade: D+ (dandruff)

From Ok!

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Socketside heard Cruise was the buyer of an $18 million mansion in the ritzy Sea Cliff neighborhood. NBC Bay Area soon pointed out that, if that's true, Cruise's neighbors would be Robin Williams, Cheech Marin and the guitarist from Metallica. It's like the Bay Area's very own stunted little fog-swept Beverly Hills. But many locals will remember that the Church of Scientology was on the hunt for "apparent expansion" space starting in 2006, nosing around the once countercultural North Beach neighborhood.

So is Cruise, the alleged inspirer of Scientology beat-downs, spearheading a renewed expansion campaign by the cult to which he belongs? Maybe, or maybe said SF mansion is just being bought by another local tech exec like Oracle CEO Larry Ellison, per a SocketSite update:

Another reader quickly notes the mailing address for the purchasing LLC ("Tawaraya") is that of "a high-end accounting firm in Walnut Creek" which happens to advise Larry Ellison (amongst others). And The Real Estalker adds, "Tawaraya is a super posh and searingly expensive, 300-year old ryokan–which is essentially a Japanese bed and breakfast sort of place–located in Kyoto" which is rather Ellison-esque.

Oh great, more Larry Ellison dick waving. Don't we at least deserve some fresh megalomaniac mansion owners, out here?

Scientology refugee Marc Headley has written a book called Blown For Good—featuring a dramatic, action-scene-type cover—detailing his 15 years of work inside Scientology. The Village Voice interviewed him about his 1990 "auditing" session performed by Days of Thunder-era Tom Cruise himself.

"You do a lot of things with a book and a bottle," Headley says. "It's known as the book-and-bottle routine." Cruise, he says, would instruct Headley to speak to a book, telling it to stand up, or to sit down, or otherwise to move somewhere.

"You do the same with the bottle. You talk to it. You do it with an ashtray too," he says. "You tell the ashtray, 'Sit in that chair.' Then you actually go over and put the ashtray on the chair. Then you tell the ashtray, 'Thank you.' Then you do the same thing with the bottle, and the book. And you do this for hours and hours."

This was supposed " to get your intention over to the bottle...to rehabilitate your ability to control things." Well then. Tom Cruise can control books and bottles with his mind and don't ever let anyone tell you different.

Headley also says that there are only about 10,000 Scientologists in the whole world. They could be whupped by the Unitarians!
[Village Voice. Pic by Richard Blakeley]

We don't know! We asked our tipster and he said he couldn't see since he pulled up so close to snap the pic but added, "I have a feeling she's controlling the driver with her mind." Ha!

So, who knows what clear is riding around Tinsel Town in a metallic vehicle? Has Tom Cruise bought his extraterrestrial child her own Lexus hardtop convertible already? Or does automaton bride Katie Holmes have the help ferry Miss Suri around town in it when she thinks she can dance? Maybe a fellow cultist fan who wants to get in good with the boss? The ghost of L. Ron Hubbard?! If one of you out there has the answer, leave us a comment or send us an email.

On Saturday, the Daily Mail speculated at length that Travolta was on the verge of bolting the cult, citing his despodency over the death of his son Jett, whose autism reportedly went untreated on account of how Scientology doesn't believe in autism. The first glimpse of daylight between Travolta, who has reportedly funded the church to the tune of millions, and Scientology came last month when details of a Bahamian police report emerged in which Travolta acknowledged that Jett "suffered from a seizure disorder and was autistic."

But yesterday Travolta's rep told E!Online that the Daily Mail report was "totally false":

"There's no change in the relationship between the Church of Scientology and John," Paul Bloch told E! News. "He is a member and it's as it was, now and forever."

And in Scientology, forever means, like, forever.

But, as another E!Online story notes, Scientology has a way of holding sway over some celebrity adherents even after they've decided they don't want to play anymore: The cult's "auditing" process involves extracting confessions of all manner of "deviant" behavior, from financial misdeeds to sexual histories, and storing the data in the church's archives. If a wavering member, say, didn't want anybody to know that he's had sex with men, the church would have a fairly good chance of convincing him not to, in Scientology parlance, "blow."

According to the Daily Mail - who rounded up some interesting quotes on the matter - it appears to be a very real possibility. To say Travolta's had a rough go of it recently would be putting it very, very lightly.

On the business side of things, Travolta's big role this year performed under studio expectations. A complete aside, when you consider his personal life:

His son Jett - reportedly autistic, a diagnosis the Church of Scientology refuses to dignify - passed away earlier this year. Travolta defied Scientology and acknowledged it. Some sleazy gossip website put together a theory that enlists the idea of Travolta not only having a gay lover, but the gay lover - his son's nanny - being a primary cause of his son's death. Which is besides the fact that someone tried to extort him over documents involved in his son's transportation, and his wife might've tried (successfully) to get Roger Friedman fired by going to the top brass at Fox over Friedman's comments on Scientology.

All of this gives the Daily Mail's report some ground to walk on, when they note:

His distress, say sources close to him, has been compounded by the first cracks in his 34-year relationship with the Church of Scientology, the cult-like religion of which Travolta is a prominent and generous benefactor. And there are dark mutterings that if he carries out private threats to leave, the organisation will go public with embarrassing details of his private life, including, it is claimed, allegations of past homosexual relationships. Sources in the U.S. disclosed to me this week that his son's sudden death has 'deeply shaken' Travolta's faith in the strange sect, which makes wild claims about its ability to cure a variety of physical and mental disorders.

There's more talk of Travolta taking late night drives by himself, and being in a "state of constant distress." There's the very evident weight Travolta's gained. There's the memory of Scientology's scary-ass leader David Miscavage slagging on Travolta's sexuality:

Earlier, the prestigious Time magazine also reported allegations made by Richard Aznaran, the former security head of Scientology, that the Church's leader, David Miscavige, had repeatedly joked about Travolta's 'promiscuous homosexual behaviour'.

And then there's the fact that Scientology has a well known history of intimidation of the physical and emotional stripe. This goes without saying, but: Travolta's donated millions of dollars, and what could only be thousands of hours to the church throughout his life. Shit, he made Battlefield Earth.

For a celebrity of Travolta's stature to renounce Scientology would be massive, for both parties. Even rumors of Travolta's potential departure from the religion are pretty damning. Granted, it'll be a difficult path if he chooses to take it - the resistance he'll encounter from the highest levels of the religion are potentially fiscally, emotionally, and physically dangerous to his livelihood - but one that could shake Scientology to its absolute core.

Is John Travolta cracking up? [Daily Mail]

Talk about an incredible item. Brief recap: Fox canned Friedman after he wrote about how easy it was to obtain a leaked, unfinished copy of Wolverine that had made its way onto the internet. Friedman went through a Kangaroo Court of sorts and got the opportunity to reason for his job with EVP John Moody and Fox News chief Roger Ailes at Fox News. It didn't go well, and he lost. The statement that was released:

Fox News representatives and Roger Friedman met today and mutually agreed to part ways immediately. Fox News appreciates Mr. Friedman's ten years of contributions to building foxnews.com and wishes him success in his future endeavors. Mr. Friedman is grateful to his colleagues for their friendship and support over the past decade.

Not so much. Friedman took his story to Rush & Molloy in the Daily News' (immortal competitor to the Fox-owned New York Post, in case you forgot). Naturally.

In it, Friedman accuses Scientology of plotting against him for a long time, as he's been a vocal critic of the organization for a while. Friedman thinks the entire Wolverine saga - a case Fox definitely took to the FBI in order to trace the original source of the film's leak - was a bullshit cover-up for his termination, or at least, the pin they needed to pull on his employment that they'd been waiting on a for a while. He cites a few instances and interactions with key celebrity Scientology members, but mainly, John Travolta's wife, Kelly Preston.

He says he saw Preston at fellow Scientology member Issac Hayes' funeral in Memphis about eight months before he was fired. They ran into each other in a hotel lobby, and as Friedman tells it, Preston had some words for him:

Mrs. John Travolta loudly blasted him for his columns criticizing Scientology. "She called me a ‘religious bigot,'  " Friedman recalls.

Sometime thereafter, as the story goes, Preston then tried to get him fired by getting Friedman's aforementioned Kangaroo Court, John Moody and Roger Ailes, on the phone. Preston called Moody a dirty word when Moody wouldn't fire Friedman for slagging on Scientology. Moody and Ailes supposedly met with Preston and Scientology's spokesman Tommy Davis to put them on ice. Friedman's overlords then told Friedman to ease up on writing about the controversial death of Jett Travolta, Preston's son. [It was recently revealed that John Travlota went against the Church of Scientology's teachings in noting Jett as having autism, a condition regarding by Scientologists as a psychological disorder, and thus, a relatively stigmatized term to them.]

Sometime after, Jim Gianopoulos, 20th Century Fox's chief, told Friedman to lay off of Tom Cruise's Hitler-hunting epic Valkyrie in the leadup to its release. Which, if it's true, sounds like some typical studio-news overlap, and probably has less to do with Scientology and more to do with Gianopoulos trying to curb the momentum of bad press his movie was getting at the time.

But then:

Last month, Variety reported that Cruise was in advanced talks to star with Cameron Diaz in a Fox action comedy, "Wichita." A source suspects that Cruise may have made Friedman's ouster a condition of the actor appearing in "Wichita. "

And, conspiracy! Someone, somewhere, suspects that some shit might've gone down! Maybe? Either way, Friedman notes that the moment his job was on the line, nobody came to his defense. "Nobody from Fox News defended me. They let the studio dictate to the newsroom," he told the News. The quote they got from Friedman's lawyer is far less conspiratorial: he's arguing the whole "piracy" aspect of things, and he's probably going to try and spend less time trying to convince a court that Friedman's being plotted against than he is working on the whole "wrongful termination" thing, though he does toss one gem to R&M: "I've seen how Scientology intimidates even the most powerful media. That seems to be what happened here."

So it goes. The final note in the column that matters is that Fox Overlord Rupert Murdoch isn't a fan of Scientology and reportedly "bristled" when they tried to recruit his kid.

Preston and Cruise's lawyers both issued outright denials. Fox refused to comment. And we might have a ball game. Let's say this thing goes whole hog: that's Preston and Cruise, being called to the stand, being asked to testify under oath as to whether or not they wanted Friedman fired and had remarked the same to anybody, at any point, ever.

But really, this just sounds like a case of Friedman being more trouble than he's worth. Fox makes exponentially more cash via Scientologists than they do their gadfly columnist talking shit on some of their highly-connected high-earners. Why keep Friedman, who's pissing off their Big Names, around? There's no reason to. So, yeah, the Wolverine thing was probably the straw that broke the gossip's job in half. To win and/or settle this thing in Friedman's favor, his lawyer's gonna have to drag whoever he can through the mud, which is probably going to be far more difficult than he thinks it's going to be.

Meanwhile, Friedman's doing a watered-down variation of his shtick at the Hollywood Reporter, incredibly. The Reporter, which has always played second fiddle to Variety for industry trade news, needs the favor of studios and agencies in order to get scoops. Why, then, would any trade paper brass in their right mind associate themselves with Friedman's gossipy items? In order to get the money Friedman's used to being paid by Fox, he has to associate himself with a big name (like The Reporter). Eventually, they're probably going to learn that Friedman's items are costing them news, and they'll cut him off from writing the "good" stuff. And Friedman's going to need something to do when that happens. Like sit on some of that lawsuit money.

Onward! To the courts!

Fox's axed man blames Scientologists [Rush & Molloy]

The report was obtained by the National Enquirer. Travolta's use of the term "autistic" seems to be a break from church doctrine, which teaches that pyschiatric diagnoses are fake ailments invented by Nazi psychiatrists so they can give people drugs to keep them from realizing their true potential of controlling the physical world with their minds.

Prior to Jett's death, his mother Kelly Preston attributed his problems to a rare disorder called Kawasaki disease and to "environmental toxins" from carpet-cleaners. She claimed that a Scientological detoxification regime had helped to ease his symptoms.

After Jett's death, Scientology representatives denied that the church has taken a stance on autism, saying, "It's medicine. The church deals with the spirit. If people have a medical problem or a physical ailment, they go to a doctor. It's church policy that they do so and they get that addressed." But autism is a psychiatric disorder described in DSM-IV, psychiatry's diagnostic bible. While a case could be made that Travolta was only using the term generally, to describe a disorder with physical roots that he thought could be explained, Scientology-style, by toxins, it's certainly unusual for a high-profile representative of the church to use the word.

This time, he's screaming about something called study technology. Kind of like A-Yo, but different. Mr. Trickle, the stage is yours:

I've got nothing new to say about this other than the fact that I sometimes wonder if Paul Thomas Anderson knows just how close to the truth he got about certain characteristics of this man.

This fella's name is Dave Figueroa, with an outfit called C.C.H.R. in Florida, and he calmly explains why Osama bin Laden was convinced to blow up things by...that's right, his psychiatrist! And there's some bonus talk about the Holocaust, too. Watch and then get a "stress test." [via BoingBoing]

Scientologists Try to Explain how Psychiatrists caused 9/11 and the Holocaust from Chris Doyle on Vimeo.

Towards the end, the interviewer asked Smith about a formative incident at age 16: A girl broke his heart, and he swore to himself that from that day forth he would never be denied anything ever again. How, he wonders, did Smith use this early experience to achieve the seemingly impossible, and become the Biggest Star in the Universe. The secret, it turns out, is in something Smith calls "spiritual physics."

there are what I would refer to as spiritual physics, right? So, the idea that energy is infectious, right? So, I can infect you right now. I can infect you positively, or I can infect you negatively. I can affect how you go home and deal with people, and friends and family, and all of that, and for me, the spiritual physics of that are flawless. So, as long as I can continue to affect people, and infect people, positively, there is no version of me not winning, at the box-office. It's just the spiritual physics don't work that way...

If the basic concepts of spiritual physics sound similar to Scientology's precepts, that's because they are: L. Ron Hubbard wrote in the introduction to The Way to Happiness: "You are important to other people. You are listened to. You can influence others...The happiness or unhappiness of others you could name is important to you...It is in your power to point the way to a less dangerous and happier life."

Smith still declines to affiliate himself openly with the Church, though his charitable contributions and youth indoctrination center's curriculum suggest otherwise.

Regardless of what he calls it, however, Smith is clearly a man who approaches the politics of human interaction as a (highly contagious) quantifiable science—a concept more commonly known in Hollywood as "ass kissing." If you were wondering what all that fake-laughing is about, he's just trying to infect you with his love.

• Will Smith... On a boat [YouTube]

Once upon a time, we trusted Cartwright when she exhorted us to "do the Bartman," but now that this "Bartman" involves personality tests, invasive auditing, and insistent, late-night girl talk with Leah Remini, we've become a wee bit skeptical. Sure, we agree that Lisa is clearly an SP, but who knew it would come to this? Still, at least we have a definitive answer for why Bart Simpson is so yellow: it's all those niacin purification rituals! [YouTube]

The meeting took place at last night's German premiere of Valkyrie, and we've got video of Cruise interacting with a particularly insistent Anonymous member who's far more interested in getting Cruise to autograph his mask than to chastise him on his evasive endorsement of earth-people pills. Cruise is remarkably obliging; however, we don't recommend attempting the same signature coup with samurai swords. That never ends well.

Cognizant of the fact that they had landed a big fish, the ladies of The View were respectful to a fault today (even Barbara Walters!), though Elisabeth prefaced each and every question to Cruise with such slobbering, near-sexual praise you would have thought they'd dug up Ronald Reagan. Finally, forty minutes into the show, Walters brought her tear-inducing powers out of retirement and brought up the younger Travolta's death, quizzing Cruise on whether Scientologists actually eschew medicine. "It's actually the opposite," Cruise said, sketching out a scenario where church higher-ups tell Scientologists to go get their afflictions "handled." Consider that charge vaguely cleared up, then! Lisa Marie, your services are no longer necessary.

• The View [ABC]

The constantly changing versions of the events surrounding Jett's death have gripped the public's imagination because it is so congruent with the story of his father's life. John Travolta would have us believe that he is normal; that he is not a member of a crazy cult; and that he is straight. At least two of those things are false.

Let's count the inconsistencies, which extend back long before Jett's tragic passing:

• Jett's parents, John Travolta and Kelly Preston, adherents of Scientology, have long maintained that Jett suffered from Kawasaki disease, an immune disorder which causes inflammation of blood vessels. But Kawasaki disease is not linked to seizures, according to medical experts.
• When they weren't blaming Kawasaki disease, they publicly maintained Jett's health was fine, even though many in Hollywood believed Jett suffered from autism. And suddenly, after his death, we learn that Jett wasn't fine; rather, he was constantly supervised by two nannies and a baby monitor.
• Autism would explain Jett's disturbingly affectless appearance in public; about a third of people with autism also suffer seizures. Travolta and Preston are followers of Scientology, which believes conditions like autism are all in the victim's head — that they are "degraded beings" requiring "purification." Preston has said in the past that Jett underwent a Scientology purification, which reportedly involves high doses of niacin.
• Police in the Bahamas said Jett, who was found unconscious late on New Year's Day in his parents' condo and died at a hospital shortly afterward, had struck his head, and reported blood on the scene. The nanny who found him, Jeff Kathrein, a Scientologist wedding photographer hired by Jett's parents, John Travolta and Kelly Preston, was once spotted in an intimate kiss with Jett's father. Police said Jett was alone for hours, after last being seen the evening of January 1; a family lawyer maintained that Kathrein, who slept eight feet away from Jett, found him almost right away.
• A funeral director hired by the family said there was no sign of a bruise and that Jett's body "looked great." The cause of death on Jett's death certificate was listed simply as a seizure.
• Two chartered planes and a police hearse, ostensibly carrying Jett's remains, waited on the tarmac Monday, as Bahamian police blocked access. It was a ruse: Jett's body was being cremated at the time, and the family planned to fly his ashes back to Florida on Tuesday.

Jett, in reality, had a rounder face. But so what? The need to airbrush away Jett's chin is the perfect metaphor for the pathetic misdirections and deceptions the Travoltas have engaged in. What they're covering up is not worth covering up. This is not some grand crusade for the truth — which in the end is the simple and tragic tale of a teen boy dying too young. The lies, big and small, that Travolta tells aren't for Jett. They're for him to maintain his fake public image. He asks us, out of politeness or gullibility, to swallow it whole.

Yes, everyone wants to let the family grieve. Let them grieve — but Jett Travolta is the only one who should lie in peace.

Employing a creative, whimsical use of apostrophes and spaces, Presley asserts that uninformed observers (most likely psychiatrists or tax collectors) shouldn't use the younger Travolta's death as an opportunity to bash the church:

Folks, as popular as it has been to discriminate and ridicule Scientology and Scientologist's in the recent past , Now is NOT the time.

I realize that there is a lot of mis information out there about the subject which has caused a lot of stone throwing but we are not still in the dark ages and it is still an Unconstitutional Injustice to partake in and encourage such condemnation.

Among most of the crazy made up garbage that goes around about it , It is not true that Scientologist's "Don't believe in " medical care , medicine or medical Doctors and that may have something to do with this terrible tragedy.

Just like anyone else, If one is sick , they go to the doctor, If a medication will make it better then they take it.

If they don't then they are an idiot and you can't blame their religion.

Presley then added, "I was married to Michael Jackson, remember? You think I made it through that with just niacin and the support of Leah Remini? Let's just say I'm on a first-name basis with the pharmacist at Sav-On (Hi, Luisa!) and leave it at that."

• Now Is Not The Time. [Myspace]

· Reports on Saturday revealed that Jett, 16, suffered a seizure at the Bahamian vacation home of his parents John Travolta and Kelly Preston. Travolta himself applied CPR until medics arrived; the EMT crew chief told Radar that Jett had a hematoma, suggesting a head blow, later confirmed by Travolta's lawyer and family friend Michael McDermott. There was "a minimum amount of blood," and Jett had no pulse. He was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital. An autopsy is underway as of this writing.

· The day after it broke the story, TMZ followed up with word of a police investigation and pointing out conflicts between the Travoltas and investigators in the timeline preceding Jett's death. The Travoltas' nannies say Jett went to sleep at 6 p.m. on Jan. 1, and was discovered when one of the caretakers, Jeff Kathrein, awoke the next morning to find the teen unconscious on the bathroom floor. The police say Jett was last seen entering the bathroom at 11:30 p.m. — meaning he was undiscovered for up to 10 hours following his seizure. Naturally the Travolta camp went on the offensive, arguing that it was likely a second trip to the bathroom — after the caretakers were asleep — during which Jett collapsed.

· But who is Jeff Kathrein, anyway? Is he, as our East Coast cousin declaimed, "Travolta's rumored gay lover"? Or, as the LAT points out, an aspiring celebrity photographer who nannies to pay the bills? Shocker: The Travolta camp isn't commenting. But Kathrein will shoot your nuptials if you're in the market for a wedding photographer.

· Meanwhile, Scientology's enemies latched on to the opportunity to eviscerate its proponents, with Mark Ebner digging up a 2007 interview in which the father of an autistic girl alll but alleged child abuse in the Travoltas' treatment of Jett, whose own severe case of autism was long-suspected by outsiders but never acknowledged by the family. Instead, Jett's non-responsive condition was attributed to Kawasaki syndrome, a rare physical ailment that excused the Travoltas from treating Jett with CO$-condemned psychiatric drugs. (He did, according to McDermott, take anti-seizure medication for a while, which soon failed and whose regimen was ended.) With the exception of brother Joey, who studied autism for a documentary and believed Jett suffered from the condition, the family maintains its diagnosis.

· And a fascinating comments thread at Anonymous's Web site describes the "handlings" and $1,000-an-hour audits the Travoltas might have in front of them as part of Scientology's mourning rituals.

· Finally, it wouldn't be a celebrity death unless someone exploited it for their cause. Autism United sent an e-mail blast this morning asking Travolta and Preston to come clean for the sake of "15,000 parents of children with autism" — to be expected, we suppose, at least moreso than this pot-smelling press release from the publication Cannazine:

Research published in an issue of Science journal published in 2003, found that receptors in the brain, which respond to naturally-occurring cannabis-like chemicals (cannabinoids) made by the body, guarded neurons from being damaged by overstimulation.

Study co-author Beat Lutz, from Germany's Max Planck Institute of Psychiatry, said the group's experiments on mice followed anecdotal and clinical tests of cannabis to treat seizures.

"In my opinion, there are certain forms of epilepsy where patients may feel relief from the use of cannabis," Dr Lutz said.

Maybe. Has anyone consulted Dr. Denis Leary on the matter?

Well, for one, he's busy giving lots of that money away, and a hefty chunk is going to the Church of Scientology (of which he is most certainly not a member, OK?). Fox News breaks down the totals:

He also gave a combined $122,500 to the Church of Scientology, broken into these donations: $67,500 to the New York Rescue Workers Detoxication Fund, $50,000 to the group’s Celebrity Center in Hollywood and $5,000 to ABLE, another Scientology offshoot. Smith and his wife have also supported a private school called New Village Academy they opened this fall in suburban Los Angeles that uses Scientology learning concepts.

How psyched is the niacin industry right now? Considerably more psyched than Smith is, we'd wager; Variety didn't simply trash Seven Pounds, they actively called his sanity into question for making it:

Nor can it be said that Smith, whose most recent box office barn-burners, “I Am Legend” and “Hancock,” seemed consciously designed to set the star apart from the rest of humanity, shies away from the saintlike status conferred upon his character. Indeed, he embraces it in a way so convincing that it proves disturbing as an indication of how highly this or any momentarily anointed superstar may regard himself.

HAHAHAHAHA, Variety's Todd McCarthy. HAHAHAHAHA. Maybe you could use a little education, HAHAHA! Next time you've got the time, why don't you stop by Calabasas, where visiting professor Leah Remini is teaching a class on "Unlocking the Non-Critical Critic Inside You (What I Learned on the Summer Arc of Saved By The Bell)." SP's can audit for free!

• Will Smith Gives $1.3 Million to Charities [Fox News]

• Seven Pounds [Variety]

According to Us, both Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have been sighted lately without their wedding rings on, the Hollywood equivalent of wearing a novelty t-shirt that says, "DON'T ASK ME ABOUT MY FAILING MARRIAGE" in block type. So who's to blame, and who's ready to offer her friend a comforting e-meter to cry to?

Lopez — who once commanded $15 million per film — "blames Marc for her career going down the tubes," says a mutual pal, adding that she's bitter about the failure of their 2006 drama, El Cantante, which only grossed $7.5 million. (Her 2002 flick Maid in Manhattan earned over $94 million.)

"Jennifer looked around and said, 'This is my life now? I'm a Long Island housewife?'" a pal says. "She hates that everything she worked for went down the tubes."

Lopez isn't the only one with growing resentment toward her husband. Her best friend, Leah Remini, also can't stand him.

"It if was up to her, Leah would just break them up today," a pal says.

Duly noted, "Leah Remini's pal"! We had wondered why Lopez hadn't worked in film since 2006, and now we know who to send flowers to was responsible. However, we question the logic behind fleeing one controlling home for a Scientology-approved safe house. J-Lo, you may think you want your acting career back, but is a recurring guest arc on My Name is Earl really the best comeback you can muster?

• EXCLUSIVE: Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony's Marriage at "Breaking Point" [Us]