The assumption when any television show hit ends its run is that the stars will go on to fame and fortune and other projects. Sometimes that happens and we never hear from them again (see Friends and inexplicably Full House) but when it doesn't, they all rush back to familiar territory to jump start their careers. Here's are scale from the worst to best.

Dynasty
Final Episode: May 1989
Breakout Stars: Heather Locklear, Emma Samms (just kidding)
Reunion: Dynasty: The Reunion aired in August 1991. The came back for another go-round Dynasty Reunion: Catfights and Caviar in 2006.
Cause: There were some cliffhanger plotlines to tie up, and really, nobody was doing anything else. Also, shoulder pads were about to go out of style, so they had to do it to save on the wardrobe budget.
Held Out: 2 years
Respectability: So bad it's campy.

Firefly
Final Episode: August 2003
Breakout Stars: Does anyone beside us and hardcore Joss Whedon fans even remember this?
Reunion: Serenity hit movie theaters in September, 2005
Cause: To try to get someone, anyone, to finally watch this thing. It failed.
Held Out: 2 years
Respectability: Did it have any to start with?

Sex and the City
Final Episode: February 2004
Breakout Stars: Sarah Jessica Parker, who was the biggest show when the series started. Everyone else found out there really aren't any roles for women over 30.
Reunion: Sex and the City: The Movie came out in May 2008 and broke box office records. A sequel is planned
Cause: These ladies needed a way to make some money. And, obviously, cosmo-swilling Midwestern "fashionistas" demanded it.
Held Out: 4 years.
Respectability: Shameless.

The X-Files
Final Episode: May 2002
Breakout Stars: David Duchovny, who was only a recurring character on the show's final two seasons, is doing quite well on Californication.
Reunion: X-Files: I Want to Believe, the second movie based on the show, failed at the box office in July of 2008.
Cause: We still haven't figured this one out.
Held Out: 6 years.
Respectability: Pretty lame.

Seinfeld
Final Episode: May 1998
Breakout Stars: All of them, but the biggest has been Larry David, now of Curb Your Enthusiasm who wasn't even an actor on the show. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss is still holding down The Adventures of Old Christine. Jerry Seinfeld sits in his house and counts his money, only leaving occasionally to do stand-up, American Express commercials, and The Bee Movie. Jason Alexander had a few failed sitcoms and KFC commercials. Michael Richards had a racist rant that ruined his career.
Reunion: On the cover of Entertainment Weekly August 2009.
Cause: They'll all guest on Curb Your Enthusiasm this year, where a Seinfeld reunion becomes a meta plot point. For a giggle. They're all still rolling in residuals.
Held Out: 11 years.
Respectability: High.

Facts of Life
Final Episode: May 1988
Breakout Stars: Nancy McKeon was a Lifetime fixture before going to rock the tween set on the Disney Channel's Sonny with a Chance. George Clooney did two seasons.
Reunion: The Facts of Life Reunion aired on ABC in November 2001
Cause: Because the gays thought it would be fun and Mrs. Garrett wasn't getting any younger.
Held Out: 13 years.
Respectability: Surprising good. This also seems to be the exception that proves the rule, either that or all the girls have given up on acting careers.

Saved by the Bell
Final Episode: May 1993 (we're not counting The College Years, which ended in 1994)
Breakout Stars: Mark-Paul Gosselaar did the later seasons of NYPD Blue and is now a hit on cable's Raising the Bar. Tiffani Amber Thiessen did 90210, Two Guys, A Girl, and A Pizza Place, Fastlane, and Good Morning, Miami. Elizabeth Berkley did Showgirls and became a Hollywood punchline, Mario Lopez danced with stars, and Dustin Diamond released a sex tape.
Reunion: The cover of People in August 2009.
Cause: Because it was either that or Jimmy Kimmel.
Held Out:16 years.
Respectability: Amazing!

Boomp3.com

A reunion of TV teen icons took place at the conclusion of the star-filled Nautica Malibu Triathlon when Saved by The Bell stars Tiffani Thiessen (AKA Kelly Kapowski) ran into Mark-Paul Gosselaar (AKA Zack Morris). As the two caught up on all of each other's exploits, it quickly became apparent that the two looked as if they were transported right back to those magical days at The Max. That is, until Thiessen turned the conversation towards the potential of a Saved By The Bell spin-off. Gosselaar seemed unsure about the idea of a spin off, considering the misfires that were Saved By The Bell: The College Years and Saved By The Bell: The New Class. Thiessen was unrelenting, though, going as far as to use the recent 90210 spin-off as an example of an old show that got a big boost by incorporating some of today's cooler and edgier positions on teen life. Thiessen said, “It would be so much fun. Just imagine the theoretical child of Zack and Kelly raising heck all over Bayside. Meanwhile, Zack would be raising heck in the corporate world or maybe real estate and Kelly is running for vice president or something.”

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

"My shirtless photo-shoot days are behind me," Mario Lopez tells PEOPLE in a bitter blow to beefcake.

"My TV projects are my main priority," he says. "And no, you will never see me host Extra without a shirt."

Still, to every rule there's an exception – in this case, Nip/Tuck.

Lopez says he is "thrilled" to be reprising the role of Dr. Mike Hamoui on the cable series, with Dr. Mike moving to Los Angeles – where he can once again gain the attention of the ab-admiring Dr. Christian Troy (Julian McMahon) in the locker room.

"A small spoiler," says Lopez. "Dr. Mike might not be taking anymore showers at the gym with Christian, but he will lose his shirt."

Thank God: a reprieve! America, did we even know what we had before it had been briefly lost? From now on, no one is to ask questions in the rare event that Lopez goes barechested, lest the skittish actor be moved to cover up. Like a beautiful, Naired deer that could be spooked by the merest side-by-side Photoshop, Lopez is not ours any longer. He belongs to the wild.

• Mario Lopez: No More Going Shirtless [People]

Boomp3.com

Recently exiled Extra host Mark McGrath announced his plans to get revenge on Mario Lopez, the newly minted host of the show he recently vacated. McGrath got the idea when he left the popular watering hole, Crown Bar, and saw a giant sign for acting lessons. McGrath said, "If he's going to steal my hosting gigs, then I'm going to steal his acting gigs. So, get ready to see my lovely face all over Lifetime. I'm going to be your worst nightmare. I'm going to be your own personal Nedick."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pic]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

However sad it is, it seems that the aforementioned influential scene of diet pills and pointless high school ambition best exhibited by Jesse's freak-out was not as fictional as our wee tween minds originally believed. According to Vulture's sources, Dustin and his ghostwriter (i.e.: mainly his ghostwriter) will reveal all kinds of details about the "sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying" that went on after Mr. Belding shut down the lights each night. As insanely thrilled we are to go and purchase a retro wall SBTB wall calendar on which we shall X out each day until the book is released, there's still a tiny part of us that always hoped Zach and Kelly never actually did the deed after "Cut!" ended the day. Nor do we want to learn the inevitable truth that Slater was on steroids. Same goes for how many rails it took to keep Lisa Turtle from transferring to rival Valley High. Oh well, it can do anything more to ruin our childhood memories than The Phantom Menace did, right?

• SCREECH WRITES 'SAVED BY THE BELL' TELL-ALL [Vulture]

Apparently honesty isn't always the best policy for Mario Lopez.

Last week, Star told you that Mario was double-timing his recent ex, Karina Smirnoff, with a Hooters waitress. Now, we've caught him telling another fib.

Recently named to a magazine's hot bachelor list, Mario was asked during the accompanying interview if he "manscapes," which means removing excess body hair via waxing, shaving, laser or plucking. He responded, "Not at all. That's the Latin Indian blood in me. My Dad has a hairy chest, but I don't."

So how come he has a hairy chest in this 2003 photo... and a bare one in a more recent one?

J'accuse! Reader "blah" recoiled in shock, spitting, "What a liar! You can see the stubble on his ta'ta's... He is a complete loser!!" But perhaps no one was more hurt than "chris," who said, "I think Mario is pretty dishonest. He talks about how religious he is, and has such a strong faith. Excuse me...since when is not being honest ok?"

Indeed, Chris! Did Moses (or whoever) die for our sins so that Mario Lopez could lie to Hollywood publications about his smooth chest? Who among us will stand idly by while the pecs of Hollywood's so-called "Christians" go unchecked? Kudos, Star magazine: only one tabloid had the guts to adhere to that most forgotten of commandments (Commandment 9c): "thou shalt not worship false razors."

[Photo Credit: Star Magazine]

• Did Mario Lopez Fib about His Hairy Situation?! [Star Magazine]

Here's a couple of photos of AC on SBTB, from his curiously tan appearance at a wrestling match to a promo photo taken with Zach Morris (sorry Mark Paul, but we had to crop you out).

And here are more recent candids of actor/Dancing With The Stars contestant/former Animal Channel host Mario Lopez:

Though this particular Defamer editor is of the female persuasion, we may just have to pre-order that tome from Amazon ASAP, if only for the pictures. Oh, by the way, if someone had informed our 14-year old self that we'd one day be lusting after Slater (of all people!), we would have laughed our tweenyboppin' ass off.

• COVER FOR MARIO LOPEZ'S WORKOUT BOOK [ONTD]