1.) Wanda Sykes' Sarah Palin pop-up book

2.) Tyra's "big" holiday give-away show
First of all, she doesn't even give the presents to everyone in the audience, just one audience member per gift. Secondly, she sounds more like she's on the street corner trying to sell us shit that fell off the back of a truck.

3.) These shirts:

4.) Tuna

5.) Same shit, different drunks
I missed the first two episodes of the new season of Bad Girls Club while away on vacation, but I caught the new one that aired this week, and it seems like I didn't miss much.

6.) Extreme Bathrooms
There was actually an hour-long show all about "extreme" bathrooms. I watched the whole thing, because it seemed like a Homer Simpson-y thing to do, but it was basically all like this:

7.) Babs
I don't know if it's all the years on television and all the awards she's received, or the onset of dementia, but it seems like every time she speaks now—about anything—she expects everyone to be fascinated, or at least impressed, with what she's saying.

8.) That's my Mariah!

9.) Mom who grows weed
A woman sold her hair salon and asked her son how she should invest her money, and he bought her a piece of land and turned her into a medical marijuana farmer. She's enjoying it.

10.) Last-minute Christmas gift idea
The Shady Lady brothel has just added male prostitutes to its roster. The madam there is offering coupons.

We know Sarah Palin isn't the biggest fan of Vogue, but we think she'd do really well guest-editing her own issue. So we've worked up a sample cover in the style of our Cover Lies feature (in which we expose how little relationship ladymags, like Sarah Palin, have to reality). While the real Vogue bows to the recession with its $300 "Steal" of the Month, Palin could show us how to get a $150,000 wardrobe for free — and how to pick a $700/night hotel, complete with robe and slippers. In lieu of book reviews, she could offer up a bunch of snide remarks about Katie Couric — "the perky one" probably can't read anyway. And for balance, Palin could add some media elite contributors, like Trig-birther Andrew Sullivan and Rebecca Johnson. (Johnson works for the fake America but the real Vogue, and says all Palin wanted to talk about in her much-maligned interview was "drilling for oil" — but what else is there, anyway?) In fact, right after a Jeffrey Steingarten piece on moose-meat, Going Vogue should include a free sample of premium Alaska crude. We hear it gets rid of both wrinkles and endangered wildlife.

Fact Check: Palin's Book Goes Rogue On Some Facts [AP, via Yahoo News]
Palin's Katie Couric Myths [Daily Beast]
Palin's Ego Trip [Daily Beast]

1.) Martha Stewart Vs. Rachael Ray
Last night on Nightline, Cynthia McFadden tried to stir up shit between the two women.

2.) Martha Stewart Vs. Sarah Palin
But on the red carpet this week, Martha didn't need any encouragement to talk shit on Sarah.

3.) Piper Palin Child Beauty Queen
Earlier this week, I joked that Piper Palin was wearing so much makeup for Sarah's interview with Barbara Walters that she practically looked high glitz.

Later that day, Oprah's camera crew went to Wasilla to film the Palin family at home, where Piper was wearing a crown and a sash.

4.) Mother/daughter bonding

5.) The D.E.N.N.I.S. System
It's funny 'cause it's true.

6.) Crap letter from a dude
As featured on True Life: I Can't Leave My Boyfriend. The guy later came back to her apartment when she wasn't home, and stole all of her electronics and her dog.

7.) America's Next Top Amityville Horror
ANTM aired some never-before-seen moments, and I'd rather that this one had stayed unseen.

8.) Drunk idiots
The people on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge get so stupid drunk that they always end up fighting, and subsequently kicked off the show (whichseems to be their sole source of income). Brad started in with Darrell for no reason.

And then Darrell turned Brad into Quasimodo.

9.) Sewing with Nancy
Her awkwardness makes me uncomfortable.

10.) Stomache

• Everyone loves Neil Patrick Harris. And how could they not? He came out singing cabaret and danced away with our undying love. Not that he didn't have it before. After this evening's turn as the show's host, we're pretty sure Harris should master the ceremonies of every Hollywood event ever. (By the way, Mediaite has the lyrics from the introductory number. Learn them. Live them. Love them.)
  
  
• Kristin Chenoweth will soon be the hardest working woman in Hollywood. The adorable actress — once known mostly to the Broadway crowd — stole the nation's heart by crying after winning best supporting actress for Pushing Daisies. The show's been canceled and Chenoweth, bless her, reminded the world that she needs a job: "I'm unemployed now, so I'd like to be on Mad Men. I also like The Office and 24."
  
  
• Tina Fey fans are upset that Toni Collette won the "best comedy actress" award for United States of Tara, which we actually enjoy. Well, Jeff Jarvis is upset, at least: the journalist and internet aficionado twittered, "best comedy actress was a crime." But, whatever, because Fey won for her SNL Sarah Palin impersonation.
  
  
• In other-SNL news, Justin Timberlake took home a trophy for his "Dick in a Box" routine. But that was announced last week, so hopefully you knew that.
  
  
• Sure, Fey didn't win, but that doesn't mean the Academy doesn't still love 30 Rock: the incredibly popular show won "best comedy series" and Alec Baldwin walked away with a "best actor" statuette. That's his second, for the record.
  
  
• Speaking of seconds: Mad Men again won "best drama series" and best writing for a drama series. Does this mean the show will continue to be a popular culture darling? Not if you ask Matthew Greenberg from True Slant — he thinks the consecutive win will alienate those who don't already watch it, because they'll think it's elitist.
  
  
• If Greenberg's right, there could also be a backlash against Glenn Close: the Damages star once again won for "best actress" in a drama series.
  
  
• Comedy Central's no doubt pleased with Jon Stewart and the Daily Show crew: they won "best writing" for a comedy, variety, etc series. And, yes, Stewart commended Neil's hosting abilities. He also made a joke about going backstage to watch football, which was competing on another network and became the butt of many tiresome jokes.
  
  
• LA Times writer Tom O'Neil has crowned Bill Maher the biggest Emmy loser in history because Maher, whose show was nominated in the aforementioned variety category, has lost 22 times over the course of his career.
  
  
• Remember how we said Harris should host everything? He may have some competition from Hugh Jackman, who won for original music for his Oscar dance routine.
  
  
• Hey, did you know Sarah McLachlan's still around? And she's still singing "I Will Remember You." While, yes, we should take a moment to recognize the departed — Bea Arthur! — certainly there's a less maudlin, predictable soundtrack.
  
  
• And on that note, here's a list of the winners.

Ok!
Missing in Action!

Us
"How He Tricked Her." If you care about The Bachelorette, then you may want to know that a body language expert found Ed Swiderski's eyes were full of lies. We don't care, so we don't want to know. Also inside: A source says that Bradley Cooper and Renée Zellweger are "100% seeing each other." The only reason they didn't say anything before was because he was seeing Jennifer Aniston at the same time, but wasn't as into her as she was into him. Rachel McAdams and Josh Lucas: Splitsville. Also inside: When Jon Gosselin was home with the kids, he only played with them when the cameras were rolling. The rest of the time, he was smoking and talking on his cell phone. Jon complained to a group of photographers outside his house: "They think I'm messing around and not a good father, but I'm on my cell phone all day working, trying to make money and take care of my kids." Sparklevamp Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart spent three nights together in his hotel room. An insider says: "They're not boyfriend-girlfriend exactly, but they've definitely hooked up." And the guy who plays Bella's dad says: "If they want to date each other, fine! Look, when you're that age, you're going to make mistakes. You're going to date people you probably shouldn't date. It's all part of the growing process." See, Twilight is real, and he's afraid Sparklevamp is gonna bite Kristen. Lastly: Jessica Simpson is turning to alcohol to deal with her breakup. She was smashed at Ken Paves' birthday party! Who among us has not gotten drunk at our hairdresser's bash? Ooh, and a source says John Mayer has naked pictures of Jessica on his cell phone, and showed his friends at lunch.
Grade: F (disemvoweling)

In Touch
"Angelina Humiliates Brad."
At the Hollywood premiere of Inglourious Basterds, Angelina "literally hogged the spotlight" from Brad, "making him look foolish." She was wearing a strapless leather cocktail dress, "and completely upstaged Brad." If she hadn't gone, the headline would have been: ANGIE ABANDONS BRAD. But since she showed up, there are six pictures of the two of them, with commentary like "Their tense arrival" and "Angelina won't stand back." (Fig. 1) There's also a picture of Angelina in her black strapless leather dress next to an image of Jennifer Aniston's Elle cover, where Jen is also wearing a black leather strapless dress and the subhead reads, "Angelina Stole Jen's Look!" Another spread has a collection of pictures in which Brad is made out to be an exhausted, heavy-drinking slob now that Angie is in his life. During their relationship, "He's gone from hot to haggard." And! In the table of contents, it says, "Angelina's Wearing Brad Down." (Fig. 2) Also inside: "They Look Like Mr. T!" (Fig. 3) Lastly: Ellen Pompeo is having a girl, if you care.
Grade: F (Morse code)

Life & Style
"They're Back On!"
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart shared a hotel room at Chateau Marmont from August 6 to August 8, and were spotted hanging out at various events all weekend. They were photographed separately taking smoke breaks on the room's balcony. The mag claims they had dinner on the hotel's back patio and were holding and kissing. A witness says: "The alcohol helped him shed his inhibitions and they could hardly keep their hands off each other toward the end of the evening." Though the cover says "Robert confirms he's dating Kristen," this is what they mean by that: Apparently New Moon costar Nikki Reed said something like "I saw the pictures [of you and Kristen]. I thought you were going to keep it secret" to Rob on an Alaska Airlines flight, and he said, "keep your voice down." Not exactly a "confirmation." Also inside: Kim Kardashian has dyed her hair — and eyebrows — honey blond. She says: "I definitely needed a change in my life… I have this whole new outlook and personality. It had transformed my attitude." Kate Hudson's biological father, Bill Hudson, is using the magazine to try and send messages to Kate. Moving on: "Khloé: I'm Not On Cocaine." This is a teaser for Kourtney And Khloé Take Miami, where you'll see that Khloé has coke in her bag. But she has a good reason! Lastly, Heidi Montag says: "I'm not wearing anything in the Playboy pictures. My skin is my accessory."
Grade: D (semaphore)

Star
"Divorce!"
The only source in this Sarah Palin "shattered marriage" story is Mercede Johnston, Levi' sister. She says Sarah and Todd are fighting all the time, and Todd ends up sleeping on the couch. Bristol used to tell Levi that Sarah and Todd would argue over the smallest things, like whose turn it was to do the dishes, and sometimes Todd would take off for days to his cabin in Eureka to get away from all the tension. Let's just remember that Mercede is 17 and is talking about her brother's ex-girlfriend's parents. She also says that after Bristol got pregnant, Todd and Sarah were yelling at each other a lot. Um, yeah. An Alaskan blog The Immoral Minority ran a headline: "Sarah And Todd Palin Are Splitsville." The blog claimed that Sarah had purchased land in Montana and was considering relocating there with the kids. Plus! After a fight, Sarah threw her wedding ring into Lake Lucille. An insider says the couple might come to a financial agreement for Todd to stay with Sarah and "give the impression of a loving husband" — at least through her book tour next year. Related: 15-year-old Willow Palin was caught on video drinking vodka (with a chaser of Mountain Dew) and taking a hit off of a joint at a party. Also inside: Like us, Star now watches for Photoshop of Horrors (Fig. 4). Unsolicited uterus update: Pénélope Cruz "bump alert" picture shows a very small baby "bump." Blind item: "Which singer is such a diva that she wears bright red lipstick to bed? She recently made her hubby go out at 10pm to get a replacement tube of her favorite shade." More about Kristen and Rob's "Hot Hotel Hookups!" The story begins thusly: "When Robert Pattinson's room is rocking, don't come knocking." Rob Pattinson had a guitar delivered to his hotel room so he could serenade Kristen Stewart. The magazine asks: Did Rob put a ring on it already? Kristen was seen wearing a ring on THAT finger. Gosselin news: "It's All-Out War!" They're doing things to annoy each other: Kate threw out Jon's favorite grill and most of his favorite shirts, except for one "special" Ed Hardy shirt, which she slashed with scissors and left out for him to see. She's been threatening to get rid of his tractor. She put up a no smoking sign and taught the kids to chant "smoking kills," and she taunts Jon by saying he's fat and ugly. Jon's been leaving cigarette butts lying around the house, and Kate's sensitive about her age, so he calls her "granny" to see if he can make her cry. Next: True Blood's Alexander Skarsgård played a suicidal transvestite named Geert in a 2006 indie flick, check out a pic (Fig. 5)! Lastly: Jessica Simpson is planning to write a multi-million dollar tell-all, which will spill details about her ex-boyfriends and her "love luggage" — her weight. Tony Romo liked her to dress up as a cheerleader, but with garter belts, stockings and high heels. And he'd bring food into the bedroom. John Mayer would talk baby talk in bed and was always begging her to experiment — he wanted her to go to sex parties "just to look." Jess might reveal how she fell for Dane Cook while filming Employee Of The Month "when he made her laugh so hard he made her pee her pants on the set." And! A source says: "She'll probably write about one wild night she had with Jude Law in New York, and how close she came to being his baby mama."
Grade: C- (braille)

Fig. 1 (click to enlarge)

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

In an email sent out tonight by one of the organizers, Palin pal John Ziegler, the group claimed victory and implied that the fight has only just begun:

This is John Ziegler, the Los Angeles radio talk show host and documentary film producer who went to New York to speak at Tuesday's rally outside the taping of David Letterman's show.

I wanted give you some major news about this cause. Despite the media doing their very best to try and diminish our efforts and pretend that the issue is dead, several the members of this list have received e-mails from "Olive Garden" announcing to them in very strong language that the restaurant chain is pulling their advertising from David Letterman's show for at least the remainder of the year.

We hope/expect that this major development will create some news coverage on Thursday and hopefully other advertisers will follow suit if you keep the pressure on.

Regardless, congratulations!! You have already made an impact and we still have a chance for some sense of accountability and justice here.

Ziegler then went on to offer his followers a treat for all of their hard work, a discount on some stupid DVD he's been going around peddling:

As a big thank you for those of you who have supported this cause, I would like to offer you a special discount on my highly acclaimed (endorsed, on air, by both Governor Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh) documentary on the media coverage of the 2008 election which got me involved into this issue to begin with.

How many of the sheep receiving Ziegler's email do you think are actually stupid enough to buy his garbage? Just curious.

Regardless, Zeigler's email points a major flaw in Olive Garden's claims that the termination of their Late Show ad buying just so happened to coincide with the protests—The fact that an executive at the company sent out emails filled with "very strong language" announcing their allegiance to a handful of extra-chromosome wingnuts and disgruntled Hillary supporters. A flack for Olive Garden told the Times' Bill Carter that the person who sent the emails to the group, company guest relations manager Sherri Bruen, isn't "an authorized spokesperson for the company." Yeah, okay. Can we just go ahead and call "shenanigans" now on this?

This is all so unfortunate—On the handful of occasions in life where I've eaten at Olive Garden I've really enjoyed those breadsticks and that gluttonous never-ending pasta bowl thing. Too bad I'll never eat there again.

Olive Garden Backtracks on David Letterman Ads [Politico]
Olive Garden Says It Did Not Cancel Ads on the Letterman Show [New York Times]

The massive, traffic-stopping march that drew a couple dozen to Manhattan's Ed Sullivan theater on Tuesday in protest of Letterman's rape-speech was organized by failed sportscaster and radio host John Zeigler. But he and his followers aren't the only ones who've heeded Sarah Palin's call to "rise up." Deprived recently of a target to shrilly—that's right we said shrilly—harangue, disaffected Hillary Clinton voters have taken to the streets, and to Photoshop, to threaten Letterman's advertisers with a boycott unless they stop subsidizing his sexual assaults bad jokes.

UPDATE: An Olive Garden spokesman tells the New York Times that they didn't actually pull their ads; rather, they merely let a previously scheduled run of ads expire earlier this month. Sounds like a standard advertiser dodge when they're trying to cave to outrage without appearing to do so.

Hillbuzz, one of the premier reactionary Clintonist sites, has taken time off from its ongoing search for Michelle Obama's "whitey tape" to draw up clever versions of some Letterman advertisers' brands that reflect the truth about the man they sponsor. Here's some of their handiwork:

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

[Via Balloon Juice.]

In the second segment of his show, Dave opens with a gag about the digital TV conversion and then has one of his writers pretending to be a fake protester march out behind him. This leads into his Top Ten, the subject being "The Top Ten Things Overhead at the 'Fire David Letterman' Rally," the highlight of which was number three—"When does Cheney get here with the waterboarding equipment?" And then "Lyle the Intern" shows up to mock Letterman's recent public embarrassment.

Meanwhile, we anxiously await Dave going after Palin regularly with both barrels blazing. He just has to do it, right?

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We sent our very own video whiz Mike Byhoff up to midtown to check out the scene. What he found: a handful of retirees, some fans of radio host John Ziegler, one very bored looking little boy, and a scrum of media trying their best to keep this insipid feud going after Letterman apologized and Palin accepted it.

What have we learned from this little episode? First, we should send Mike out to shoot video more often — nice job, Mike. Second, what people say on the Internet has little bearing on what they do IRL. And lastly, we should all go re-read Daniel Boorstin.

By apologizing again, not only is Letterman giving legitimacy to Palin's ridiculous claims that his "perverted" jokes inspire sexual mistreatment of women, but it also breathes new life into an issue that had sort of fizzled out of the news cycle over the weekend. Besides, does he really think that Palin will ever accept any apology from him? Of course not! This will just give the media another opportunity to stick cameras and microphones in Palin's face so she can continue to bray on and on and on about "ole David Letterman" being a dirty old man. He'd have been much better off ignoring it and letting all of this fade away, as it was already beginning to do, but instead he winds up essentially vindicating Palin's unwarranted indignation instead.

Regardless, here's what Letterman said at the taping of his show today, which is set to air later tonight:

"All right, here - I've been thinking about this situation with Governor Palin and her family now for about a week - it was a week ago tonight, and maybe you know about it, maybe you don't know about it. But there was a joke that I told, and I thought I was telling it about the older daughter being at Yankee Stadium. And it was kind of a coarse joke. There's no getting around it, but I never thought it was anybody other than the older daughter, and before the show, I checked to make sure in fact that she is of legal age, 18. Yeah. But the joke really, in and of itself, can't be defended. The next day, people are outraged. They're angry at me because they said, 'How could you make a lousy joke like that about the 14-year-old girl who was at the ball game?' And I had, honestly, no idea that the 14-year-old girl, I had no idea that anybody was at the ball game except the Governor and I was told at the time she was there with Rudy Giuliani...And I really should have made the joke about Rudy..." (audience applauds) "But I didn't, and now people are getting angry and they're saying, 'Well, how can you say something like that about a 14-year-old girl, and does that make you feel good to make those horrible jokes about a kid who's completely innocent, minding her own business,' and, turns out, she was at the ball game. I had no idea she was there. So she's now at the ball game and people think that I made the joke about her. And, but still, I'm wondering, 'Well, what can I do to help people understand that I would never make a joke like this?' I've never made jokes like this as long as we've been on the air, 30 long years, and you can't really be doing jokes like that. And I understand, of course, why people are upset. I would be upset myself.

"And then I was watching the Jim Lehrer 'Newshour' - this commentator, the columnist Mark Shields, was talking about how I had made this indefensible joke about the 14-year-old girl, and I thought, 'Oh, boy, now I'm beginning to understand what the problem is here. It's the perception rather than the intent.' It doesn't make any difference what my intent was, it's the perception. And, as they say about jokes, if you have to explain the joke, it's not a very good joke. And I'm certainly - " (audience applause) "- thank you. Well, my responsibility - I take full blame for that. I told a bad joke. I told a joke that was beyond flawed, and my intent is completely meaningless compared to the perception. And since it was a joke I told, I feel that I need to do the right thing here and apologize for having told that joke. It's not your fault that it was misunderstood, it's my fault. That it was misunderstood." (audience applauds) "Thank you. So I would like to apologize, especially to the two daughters involved, Bristol and Willow, and also to the Governor and her family and everybody else who was outraged by the joke. I'm sorry about it and I'll try to do better in the future. Thank you very much." (audience applause)

Meanwhile, a very Drudge-esque "Fire David Letterman" website has sprung up on the internets, with a protest planned outside of his studio for tomorrow. Do you think the leaders of the "Fire Letterman" movement are going to back off in light of this apology? Of course not! The site was created by Palin documentarian John Ziegler, a Los Angeles-based talk radio host who Palin says tipped her off to Letterman's jokes last week, so you can bet that this is all being planned and coordinated by Sarah Palin and her cronies.

Rather than settle an fading issue with a gentlemanly apology, we believe that David Letterman may have just opened up another can of worms for himself.

UPDATE:Here's the video of Letterman's apology:

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David Letterman's Apology [TV Week]

Letterman, who has taken over the ratings lead in late night television, read Palin's rambling statement in its totality and did offer a sort-of apology, but also expressed some annoyance over the fact that the Palins were making a big deal out of what he's been doing every night for 30 years—Making jokes about people in the news.

Finally, Letterman invited the Palins to come on the show as guests and admitted to being guilty of "poor taste" with some of his jokes. But come on, let's be real here—The joke about Palin looking like a slutty flight attendant was funny because it's true!

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It's only been a week since Conan took over Jay Leno's old gig, and he's already losing. Letterman was up 13% in the ratings this past week vs. the week before—and last night he passed the Tonight Show, which has been steadily losing viewer every night since Conan started:

The ratings gap between the hosts has been narrowing nearly ever night since O'Brien took control of the "Tonight" franchise. The last time "Late Show" topped Jay Leno's "Tonight" was eight months ago.

Jay Leno, who was determined to never be funnier than the average American idiot, beat Letterman consistently. Now that Leno's moving to 10 pm, it may be that Letterman's time to be king has finally arrived. Conan O'Brien will be fine. But for years, Letterman's been losing out to a guy who was clearly less funny and consciously dumber than he is.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Now, America's in a strange situation: two funny late night hosts at once. No cheating, middle Americans! Larry the Cable Guy specials won't be on Comedy Central every night, for you to run to! Now, Letterman's the old established guy and Conan's the young upstart. Leno will be on earlier, and he'll bring an audience with him. But the people who used to stay up late watching Jay will now watch Letterman, because he's familiar and not quite as weird as Harvard boy Conan.

Which is just a long way of saying that David Letterman's time is, indeed, here at last. Sarah Palin calling him "pathetic" because he called her "slutty" is just gravy. Because the Palins are exactly the type of people who are going to be watching Dave all the time.

Shawn Levy's Date Night is going to be star-studded! Tina Fey and Steve Carell were already on board to play a married couple out on their... um... date... night. But the cast will now include Mark Wahlberg as a buff dude who hits on Fey and James Franco as a low-level crook. Also in the cast are Common, Taraji P. Henson, Gossip Girl's Leighton Meester, and Kristen Wiig. Sheesh. [Variety] Speaking of star-studded. Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, and Sarah Palin will all be memorialized in TV film form by HBO. The cabler has optioned the book Game Change: Obama and the Clintons, McCain and Palin, and the Race of a Lifetime. A screenwriter (Charles Leavitt, who wrote Blood Diamond, cause, you know, Obama, Africa) is already attached but only one bit of casting has been announced. Sarah Palin will be played by Velma from Scooby Doo. [Variety, Ryan had some thoughts on this last night]

Fan of prancy, dancy figure skater nymphs? Good news for you then! Grand fashion fop of the skating world Johnny Weir will have his own reality series on Sundance. Be Good Johnny Weir will follow the fantasticat and his posse as they prep for the 2010 Olympics. Evidently launching a bid to become as geigh as Bravo, the net has also picked up The Day Before, about what fashion models do 36 hours before they do the world's hardest job, walking in clothes. [Variety] As if regular TV was even relevant anymore! Online audiences are growing by the bushel. Lost alone had 1.4 million unique online viewers last month. Total online video viewership was up 39% from last March. Remember the internet! [Variety]

Showtime has renewed its soft core period drama The Tudors for a fourth and final season. The series' final arc will follow King Henry Rhys Meyers and the last of his two wives, me and then me wearing a wig. We're all very excited about it. [Variety] Ugh, song of purple bummer. Vastly overrated musical Spring Awakening (gorgeous score, fairly limp everything else) might be getting the film treatment. From none other than prestigious director McG. He of the Charlie's Angels and the soon-to-be-seen SkyNet's Devils. The musical is about German teenagers fucking like a million years ago. They wear knickers. And sing pretty songs. And act very, very self-important. [THR]

Wait, I just said TV might not be relevant, right? I was wrong. Bravo, still number one in gaydom, has greenlit a new series that's like its dearly departed Project Runway, but this time stars... celebrities. Launch My Line will follow a bunch of grasping "famous" people (like Tia Mowry maybe, probably Vivica A. Fox at this point, that guy from your bus this morning, a small child [dwarf?] wearing a sailor's hat) who are trying to launch their own clothing line (think: Kathy Ireland ceiling fans). They'll get help from a professional design type. Dear lord I sort of can't wait. [THR]

Other bits: Book McMafia has been nabbed for a movie adaptation. [THR] The Daily Show has added a new correspondent. [THR] And Simon Cowell might leave American Idol. [EW]

Halperin, who inflicted The Note on the world before moving to Time, sold an option HBO Films to turn into a movie his forthcoming 2008 campaign book Game Change, even though that book is effectively an extended correction on his last book.

The studio, which does projects for both the eponymous premium cable channel and the big screen, has already hired a writer (Charles Leavitt) to do the screen adaptation.

Halperin will serve as a consultant to the movie, alongside John Heilemann, the New York magazine political writer he's been blessed to have as a co-author on the book. HBO will need all the help it can get: Like the book, the film Game Change will attempt to track three campaigns and five politicians

Usually a movie like this would take you behind the scenes of a campaign, but there's only so deep you can go when you're hopping between Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Sarah Palin and John McCain. (Sad Joe Biden will apparently be reduced to a bit part.) Maybe HBO is thinking miniseries.

In any case, it will be fun to watch the casting decisions unfold, and to relive the 2008 campaign through the eyes of a man who thought John McCain was on fire the week he said "the fundamentals of our economy are strong." Maybe we'll find out he was right after all.

But his next target? Jessica Simpson, played by a woman with more weight on her than the singer has.

In case you miss it, there's attention paid to her "fat." Also, she is eating a burger whenever possible.

Reference is made to Amy Winehouse, but we'll get to her later.

A Kim Kardashian look-alike also plays a part in this video, intimidating mere mortals with her otherworldly ass.

Next we see Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson doppelgangers. The lyrics: "Lindsay, please come back to seein' men: Samantha's a two, you're practically a ten." The way "seein' men" is rapped, it sounds like "semen."

Then Eminem, dressed as Spock, puts a sleeper hold on "Uhura."

Right after Em mentions Ellen and Portia, (he says, "Sorry, Portia, what's Ellen DeGeneres have that I don't, are you telling me tenderness?") we see Sarah Palin, showing bra.

The Asian playing Inuit and the polar bear seem cribbed from SNL.

But Eminem doesn't just make fun of women, or reality stars. He makes fun of himself. Here he is as Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, which is not only a tip of the hat to critics who say he is nothing without his producer but Em's own way of toying with the notion that he's the "idiot savant" who only knows one thing —how to rap — and not how to behave in public or be politically correct.

But it's about 3:13 miuntes in, when Eminem — as Spock — visits "Planet Womyn" — that will probably get people all riled up. This barren wasteland of butch dyke sterotypes finds Em fighting "Sam" Ronson while "Lindsay" looks on…

… From a cage. Homophobia alert.

Still, after dressing like Elvis and making out with "Amy Winehouse," it's intersting that Em is seen doing this:

Sticking the body of Kim Kardashian in a wood chipper [shades of 'Hustler'? Or 'Fargo'? -Ed.] , and watching cash come out. Because honestly, as the chorus of this song goes, "We're the ones who made you." It's easy to make fun of these women but to also see that they are targets, and in most cases, the more we talk about them, the more money they generate. Celebrity is a business that eats people alive, and there's an entire layer of this video which acknowledges this fact.

And "Sarah Palin" pulling off "Bret's" bandanna to find him bald is just hilarious, and something we have all speculated about.

While Eminem's video might be sexist and homophobic and also a little bit funny, at least he doesn't let himself off the hook: He's in the electric chair, getting fried.

By turning the attacks on himself, the video feels more like a zany free-for-all and a nihilistic look at one man's lost place in society than a straight-up attack on women and gays. It's not especially shocking; especially considering the kind of lyrics and videos hip-hop is known for. But judge for yourself:

Eminem — We Made You [This Is 50]

· The Man, The Myth: We first introduced Barack Obama to Defamer readers way back on June 1, 2006, when the Senator was reported to have ordered leg of toddler with a fetal-marrow salad while lunching at CAA. Were we ever glad to hear it wasn't Obama, but just a look-alike CAA agent snickering between chews about the audacity of hope. Sorry, Mr. President-elect!

· A View to a Kill: While Obama and Hillary Clinton battled for Democratic delegates, another, bloodier fight took shape at ABC: Elisabeth Hasselbeck upgraded her contrarian sass as a full-blown GOP mouthpiece, fluffing Cindy McCain at Michelle Obama's expense and exploding one co-host's head after another with John McCain superlatives until Joy Behar brought in the bomb squad. If only the debates traded just a little of their sexual tension for a fraction of The View's energy, drama and mutual loathing.

· Sarah Palin Superstar: Tina Fey comparisons flooded the Web about five seconds after Sarah Palin's selection as the Republican vice-presidential candidate. Then they flooded TV; even Brooke Hogan and Russell Brand couldn't flee the tide. Yet despite her talent in the swimsuit and flute portions of the election, Palin faded into the Alaskan dusk following her loss faster than lusty Margaret Cho could rush-order a copy of Nailin' Palin.

· The Letterman Factor: For all the purported impact Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert had on the electorate in 2008, neither man wielded the radioactive fury of a David Letterman scorned. On Sept. 24, after a regretful McCain canceled his guest appearance en route to Washington (where he would stay to "fix the economy"), Letterman piped in video of the candidate in a neighboring studio, preparing for a sitdown with Katie Couric. The ensuing bloodbath underscored the McCain campaign's devastating tone-deafness to pop culture — a terminal illness, it turned out, by the time McCain was finally euthanized on Saturday Night Live.

· America Crossed the Aisle: Sort of. Republican Dennis Hopper eloquently came around for Obama, while Jackie Mason encouraged Florida's elderly Jewish population to make up their own minds lest Sarah Silverman brainwash them. And the Bipartisan Youth Choir of Atlanta reminded voters in the catchiest, most epic manner possible that they could indeed pull their levers any which way they pleased:

· ZOMG ELECTION DAYYYY: And we dabbed a tear at democracy's triumph as assayed by Kirsten Dunst, Monica Lewinsky, Diddy, Pete Wentz and Tim Robbins — once they finally let him into the polling place.

· New Day, New Hangover: Obama delivered his victory address in front of tens of thousands at Chicago's Grant Park. (Among them: Oprah Winfrey and her snot-absorbent oratory-crutch.) Meanwhile, Hasselbeck waited until the next day to give her own concession speech, which was too little too late for those American minds already blown by CNN's election-night hologram adventure. Congratulations to Obama and the American political system as a whole — with an Emanuel in the White House at last, we can finally embark on the long, slow, and ultimately healing recovery we need. Jan. 20, 2009, can't come soon enough.

Though Fey fired herself as Sarah Palin after the Republican ticket lost the election, the will of the people (and the network's biggest female star) is no match for the whims of tax credit-wielding lawmakers! According to New York, Fey was forced to reheat the impression for the state's Assembly Speaker and his Democratic caucus:

NBC boss Jeff Zucker asked her to make the appearance, according to Fey’s manager, David Miner. “He doesn’t ask every day for something,” Miner says. The lawmakers voted for legislation this year expanding tax credits for New York film and television productions, like 30 Rock. Miner says Fey was happy to be there, but one lawmaker in attendance isn’t convinced. “She seemed incredibly uncomfortable,” he said. “It was like she didn’t know what she was doing there. Someone said, ‘Do a Sarah Palin!’ and she did a Sarah Palin.” Fey posed for pictures before racing out to finish a script for a 30 Rock episode shooting the next day.

Will the country ever stop forcing an uncomfortable Fey (they said it, not us!) to sing for her supper when the woman runs a sitcom that demands her attendance? Or will Zucker continue to issue loaded threats to Fey, musing, "You don't have to do Palin for my godson's bar mitzvah, but what do you think about Kevin Eubanks getting a 9:30 Leno pre-show, hmm?"

• Zucker Calls, Fey Says ‘You Betcha’ [New York]

Life & Style
"Twilight Romance!" Lots of stuff about how Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart might OMG be having a secret relationship, because they had good chemistry on set and he tried to slip her the tongue in a kissing scene. But! She's had a boyfriend for 2 years, and this is fabricated story. Moving on: Pete Wentz texted a few friends on November 14th to say that Ashlee was in labor, but texted again the next day to say it was a false alarm. The baby's not ready yet! Holly Madison says that leaving Hugh Hefner has changed her look! She is wearing less makeup now that she is with Criss Angel. Who wears eyeliner, right? Whoa: Is this a picture of Barack Obama biting Michelle's ear (Fig. 1)??? Lastly, this week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, the good doctor believes that Heidi Klum, who is a flawless fucking supermodel, would be even sexier if only she had Michelle Williams's lips (Fig. 2) WTF.
Grade: D- (2 hour delay)

In Touch
"Jen, I'm Sorry." Sigh. Brad Pitt still feels bad about leaving Jen for Angelina. Jen is not mad at Brad, she just hates Angelina, "pure and simple." Not because Angie stole Brad, but because she won't shut up about it. A source close to Aniston says, "Just when she is in a good place, it seems as if Angelina has to throw some poison her way." The magazine also walks you through Jen's "Seven Stages Of Grief" over relationship in a helpful sidebar, as well as asking a "body language expert" to analyze her facial expressions from her appearance on Oprah (Fig. 3). Moving on: Valerie Bertinelli lost weight through grilled chicken and exercise, what a breakthrough. Kirstie Alley's gained all her weight back and "Oprah Want To Lose Weight For Obama." And Fergie gained weight for a film and she's up to a whopping 121 pounds, but she plans to lose the 13 lbs. she packed on. There's a story called "The Stress Is Getting To Madonna" with pictures of her arms and a line which reads, "The singer appears to be wasting away. Is she okay?" Next, Nicole Richie is planning her clothing line — her jewelry line, House of Harlow, is already in stores. There's an informative piece called "Drugs Ruin Your Looks," illustrated with two pictures of Amy Winehouse. Oh, and a whole bunch of druggy blind items (Fig. 4)! Since she was "dressed conservatively" on a beach in Mexico, and had her hand on her tummy a lot, and a source says so, Mariah Carey is two months pregnant. Oh, Ellen DeGeneres is hosting a show in Vegas called Ellen's Even Bigger Really Big Show: "I may be topless, which is potentially kind of exciting," she jokes. Lastly, an "At Home With Lance Bass" feature reveals that he has a purple satin bedspread and 'NSync bobbleheads (Fig. 5).
Grade: D (1 hour delay)

Us
"How Angelina Tortures Jen." Eight text-heavy detailed pages about the Aniston vs. Angelina feud. The magazine delves into the original betrayal, and uses metaphors like, "Aniston continues to pick at the scabs of her broken marriage" and "Jolie twists her dangerous knife." In insider says Anison is "as adept as Madonna at pushing the right buttons to stay in the spotlight." Plus, when Angelina was on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, instead of wearing the flesh-colored underwear provided, she was naked in bed with Brad Pitt. Intern Margaret's fave part is when a source says: "Whenever the topic of Valley girls comes up in conversation, Angelina likes to tease Brad by saying, 'Brad, you used to like Valley girls, didn't you?'" Next: A photograph of Sarah Palin reclining by the pool at the Republican Governors Association Conference in Miami last week (Fig 6). Oh, and there are pictures of what Michelle Obama could wear to the inauguration (Fig. 7). Hmm, where have we seen that before? Lastly: There's an exclusive interview with Brandy, who, when she got knocked up in 2002, claimed she had secretly wed the baby's father the year before, which was a total lie.
Grade: C (half hour delay)

Star
"Furious Brad: Shut Up, Jen!" Jen told a friend, "I look forward to the day when I can get Angelina in a room and warn her that Brad is going to leave her, just the way he dumped me." Jen also reveals the reason she wouldn't have Brad's baby: He was cheating on her. The mag goes back to a 2003 Vanity Fair party, where Brad disappeared with a "very sexy party planner" and Courteney Cox had to send David Arquette to go find him. Also, when Jen and Brad were together, he liked to wake and bake — smoking pot all the time. Plus, he was "constantly" getting chemical peels and collagen injections. Wowza. Moving on: Guy Ritchie and Rachel McAdams have been flirting on the set of Sherlock Holmes. Crazytown! Four months after breaking up with Michael Bublé, Emily Blunt is dating John Krasinski! Tina Fey turned down an interview with 60 Minutes because she doesn't want to talk about politics anymore. But! She's still one of Barbara Walters's "10 Most Fascinating People." Dr. Phil can't stand curly hair, and makes the female staff come in with straightened hair. New hires are warned they'll have to flat-iron! Blind item! "Who is taking months to plan her wedding because she doesn't want to pay for it? The glamourous girl is calling in favors and trying to get freebies for her long-overdue big day." Mischa Barton is trying to find her way back into the spotlight with a line of high-end headbands. But! She is furious at Nicole Richie for including hair jewelry in her House of Harlow line. Rihanna and Chris Brown went to a lingerie store and Chris bought her $800 worth of unmentionables. Plus, they've coordinated their concert schedules and call each other "beauty" and "rebel." Which is which? L.A. photo agency X17 claims one of their photographers saw Britney's dad, a recovering alcoholic, down more than 6 large draft beers while sitting alone at a bar. His camp claims he was drinking O'Douls. Also: Jessica Simpson might be pregnant. A story called "The Hills: Running Out Of Lies" claims that MTV is "struggling" to come up with fake Hills storylines. LC and Heidi called a truce, and the producers are upset they missed it — they might recreate it. LC's hometown friend Jill Levin is always around, but the producers won't film her because they don't think she is thin or cute enough. And how will producers portray Audrina's new multi-million dollar mansion on the show without admitting that the way she bought it was with money from The Hills?
Grade: C+ (15 minute delay)

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IS Alaska's Gov. Sarah Palin headed to "Desperate Housewives"? Series creator Marc Cherry is "very hot to trot to have her appear on the season-five finale," Hollywood p.r. man Hal Lifson, who's not involved with the show, told us. "Marc is highly enamored of Sarah and sees her as the ultimate guest star [playing] a similar version of herself. The idea has gone over surprisingly well with execs at Disney, who see it as a blockbuster based on Sarah's huge ratings on 'Saturday Night Live.' " Cherry declined to comment. An ABC rep said, "There's no truth to it."

And who is this "Hollywood p.r. man Hal Lifson, who's not involved with the show"? Well, as near as we can tell from his website, he represents exactly three things: a Palm Springs hotel, singer Doc Kupka, and a husband-and-wife pair of runners. Naturally, this qualifies him to dish inside dirt on Desperate Housewives. Oh, and coincidentally, all three of Lifson's clients boast New York Post press clippings (here, here, and here)! Wonder how that happened. Next time it is a slow news day, readers, we shall ask our friends to make up wild rumors about struggling Georgia senator Saxby Chambliss and Gossip Girl, then print them as fact. This, then, is our J-school legacy to you.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• WISTERIA BOUND? [Page Six]