15. Russian Glamour, June 2009
Beyoncé's skin looked digitally darkened on the cover of Russian Glamour — and the editors had a guide! A magazine called Joy used the same shot in December 2007. Was something lost in translation? Save your "black Russian" jokes until the end.

14. L'Oreal, August 2008
Beyoncé's skin seemed very light in ads for Feria haircolor. One theory: she was washed out by the strong lighting usually used in shooting hair.

13. Vogue, November 2009
The cast of Nine is chock-full of gorgeous women, but this shot is a mindscramble of random rays of sunlight in hair and dresses with edges so sharp they look like they're for paper dolls. As I wrote in October: "I'm guessing [Annie] Leibovitz shot them each separately and then did a composite, but when you have a person who doesn't cast a shadow on the lady next to her, then that person is a vampire." Poor Kate Hudson looks like she was slapped on as an afterthought.

12. Complex, April/May 2009
Kim Kardashian's waist was cinched, her thighs were slimmed, her skin skin smoothed out and her hairline was cleaned up. Plus, her head appears to be a different shape in the "after" image. Who would have thought a skull could be made "sexier"?

11. Self, September 2009
Kelly Clarkson's "Total Body Confidence" came from digitally slimming her waist and behind. Two Self editors explained that the cover: "is not, as in a news photograph, journalism. It is, however, meant to inspire women to want to be their best."

10. King Arthur poster, 2004
Movie marketers felt they must, they must, they must increase the bust. Ironically, Keira Knightley told the Guardian that she lost her chest, doing archery and preparing for the role:

To fight, convincingly, shoulder to shoulder, she had to do that thing that is so de rigueur, which is totally to change your body shape. "I was about three times the size I am now. It worried me, but it was cool, it was a body that was doing what it should do. I haven't got a clue because I don't weigh myself, but it was all muscle and I was big. My neck disappeared. My chest flattened even more. It wasn't the most feminine thing in the world, but it worked for the part, because there was strength there, and it was needed."

Of course, Hollywood can't imagine a world in which people would see a movie starring an athletic, flat-chested woman. So a digital boob job followed.

9. Redbook, July 2007
The crazy thing about the Faith Hill Redbook cover is not that it was Photoshopped — it's that this is the standard amount of digital altering that goes into a cover. Unlike some true Photoshop disasters, there are no alarming mistakes here to tip you off. That makes it easy to accept the retouched image without even blinking. Faith Hill is a beautiful woman. But she needed 11 different kinds of alterations before she could be on the cover of Redbook. What a world.

8. Campari calendar, 2008
Jessica Alba: Just another woman whose real body wasn't good enough. In this case, her waist needed to be nipped in so she could shill liquor.

7. Vogue, May 2008
RoboGwyneth looks like a robot, or an alien, depending on whom you ask. One thing is for sure: Her head and neck are not in the same space-time continuum.

6. Redbook, June 2003
Jennifer Aniston's head was placed on to Jennifer Aniston's body — from another photo shoot. At the time, her publicist, Steven Huvane, said: "It's a combination of three pictures. If you're going to do it, then at least match her head up to her body, and make the neck look like it belongs to her. I still can't figure out which exact picture the face came from." A Redbook spokeswoman downplayed the changes: "The only things that were altered in the cover photo were the color of her shirt and the length of her hair, very slightly, in order to reflect her current length."

The neck does look alarmingly unreal, and her head and waist are out of sync somehow. Angelina is surely to blame.

5.Redbook, July 2003
The month after the Aniston debacle, Redbook was at it again: According to USA Today, "[Julia's] head comes from a paparazzi shot taken at the 2002 People's Choice awards. Her body, meanwhile, is from the Notting Hill movie premiere [in 1999]." Julia's publicist, Marcy Engelman, said, at the time: "It's a shame they didn't use the body that went with the head, because it was a great Giorgio Armani pantsuit (that she wore to the People's Choice awards)."

4. Newsweek, March 2005
The editors used Martha's head and a model's body, because Ms. Stewart was still in jail when the issue was being put together. It wasn't supposed to be a photograph, anyway, it was art: "The piece that we commissioned was intended to show Martha as she would be, not necessarily as she is,'' Lynn Staley, assistant managing editor at Newsweek, told The New York Times. Staley acknowledged that the cover carried a disclaimer: ''In this case, we identified this piece as a photo illustration." As Martha would say, it's a "good thing" you did.

3. Seventeen, May 2003
Think about all the Buffy plots which could have been orchestrated around Sarah Michelle Gellar's weird wrist appendage over there on the left, if her arm actually looked like that.

2. GQ, February 2003.
Some people saw Titanic over and over again — but they never saw those legs, on the left. Kate Winslet was pissed about being trimmed down on this cover, saying:

"The retouching is excessive. I do not look like that and more importantly I don't desire to look like that. I actually have a Polaroid that the photographer gave me on the day of the shoot… I can tell you they've reduced the size of my legs by about a third. For my money it looks pretty good the way it was taken."

1. Ralph Lauren Blue Label ad, October 2009
In which model Filippa Hamilton was turned into a string of spaghetti.

Oh here's what the whole Twilight fiasco needed: a touch of class. Lauded British actor Michael Sheen has joined the cast of the sequel, in which he'll play the leader of the Voltrons, a dangerous sect of vampires that are sparkly and wear high-water pants. Or something. [Variety] Speaking of classy British types, Ray Winstone, Anna Friel, and David Thewlis have all joined the cast of London Boulevard. The crime drama stars Keira Knightley and Colin Farrell and is being filmed in London this summer. It just shits sophistication! [Variety]

FX is capitalizing on the whole pirate craze, just as any self-respecting cable network ought to do. They've just green-lit a pilot for Pirate Hunters: USN (because initials are so hot in TV right now!), which follows Navy sailors as they sail the seas, stop pirates, and make careful, tender love to each other down somewhere in their bunks, buried in the belly of the ship. [Variety] In other pilot news, Showtime has decided to make it 0 for 4, passing on their final possible series for next season, Possible Side Effects. The show, written and directed by Tim Robbins and starring Josh Lucas, was the last of a quartet to be turned down by the premium cabler, following End of Steve, The Farm, and Ronna and Beverly. Instead Showtime has picked up, for cheap at a flea market, reruns of Arli$$ and Carnevale. [Variety]

Good news for NBC! Their new drama Southland set out on fairly sturdy legs on Thursday night, the first drama to air in that night's 10pm slot since e.r. came rumbling out of the gate allllll the way back in 1994. It earned 9.86 million viewers, winning the night in all key demos. The show's actually not half bad, I recommend giving it a look-see. Also Parks & Recreation held on to 88% of its Office lead-in, though it was certainly buoyed by the second new Office of the evening waiting just beyond it. It'll have a tougher time holding onto those numbers once My Name Is Earl returns to the 8pm slot next week. [Variety] In other businessy news, Sundance Institute executive director Ken Brechner has resigned from his post after 14 years. This comes after the recent news that festival director Geoff Gilmore has resigned to head up the Tribeca Film Festival. Sundance getting too big? Too corporate? To stagnant? Restless and in need of a change? Probably a little of all of that. [THR]

In case his bellowing from over there on Fox at 5pm isn't quite loud enough, populist horrorshow Glenn Beck is taking his act on the road. He'll be doing six live performances in June, touring such liberal hotspots as Houston, Kansas City, and San Diego. He calls his act "poor man's Seinfeld," but I call it "poor man's insane agitator, pitchfork supplier, and torch lighter." [Variety] While on the topic of imbalanced, worrisome people, animal nut Jeff Corwin has landed a deal with the Food Network. Apparently attempting to compete with the Travel Channel's Bizarre Foods, Corwin will travel the globe eating weird stuff. He'll also spend some time staring unblinkingly at the camera, smiling insanely. [THR]

HBO's new pilot The Wonderful Maladys, about three siblings who lost their parents at a young age, just keeps getting more interesting. Already making me curious for starring the wonderful trio of Sarah Michelle Gellar, Molly Parker, and Nate Corddry, the show has now added the underused Adam Scott (Party Down) and Zak Orth (Vicky Cristina Barcelona, recently) to the cast. Consider me intrigued. [THR]

• Previously: The Top 10 TV Characters Men Want To Be Like And Women Want To Be With [Defamer]

• Four Years Later, The Storied 4-Minute BUFFY: THE ANIMATED SERIES Presentation Stalks YouTube!! [AICN]

First, a closer look at the "sexy" ads in question, which include pull-quotes suggesting just how much closer potential viewers will get to the cool kids' table. Watching this show is so dangerous! Your parents will have nightmares just thinking about the (sort of) short skirts Blair wears! Do the nasty!

Sadly, progressively heightening a show's sex appeal with ever-so-slightly hotter ads might not be the wisest move. After Buffy got the shove-off to the vintage UPN, Sarah Michelle Gellar was photographed posing in that trademark Cosmo cover stance, suggestively, maybe, possibly, on the verge of masturbation. One season later, and the series' ashes lived on in that icky spin-off Angel. As for Beverly Hills: 90210, the standard smiley group shot used in promos rarely veered far off course. But once Season 10 wheezed its final pointless breath, Donna and her new boobs sat front and center, Kelly was forced to be groped by New Brandon Replacement #47, and Steve Sanders was permitted to play "sexy" while raising a risqué, black denim-clad leg around New Brenda Replacement #287. And the poor OC decided that turning Marissa into a lesbian wasn't quite sordid enough, so the previously wholesome ads ended, along with the series, with uber-tanned Mischa pushing whatever boobage she had together in the sand, while Ryan appeared ready to give her the old in-and-out from behind (Chino-style!).

Oops. After the sight of Rachel and Monica passionately making out giving each other a friendly peck failed to increase ratings for Dirt, some genius thought the image of Courteney Cox covered in actual dirt (get it?!) would do the trick. But rather than getting new viewers all hot and bothered, everyone just felt, well, dirty (get it?! Sigh.) Finally, the recently canceled L Word used a rather obvious promotional image by shoving all the chic lipstick lesbians together in one big ol' nude orgy party. The problem with this image? See the previous sentence (specifically, the "canceled" part).

• OMG! CHECK OUT THE SEXY NEW 'GOSSIP GIRL' ADS! [People]

Quiet — don't tell Joss Whedon! Anyway, we'd like to extend an early invitation to Ari Emanuel, Brian Grazer, Sharon Stone, Jeff Zucker, Brett Ratner, unicorns and any other Defamer regulars who might consider weighing in with their own listicles come time for "Item 50B." It'll be here before we know it.

• The EW 1000 [EW via ONTD]

As we reported this week, Gellar, er, Sarah Michelle Prinze (shudder) is set to take over for Kate Bosworth in the upcoming Veronika Decides To Die, Nicholas Brendon claims he is busy "writing and acting" (aren't we all!), and Charisma Carpenter, who CC2K reports said under ten words all night, joked with Seth Green about "collaborating on a series of fitness videos." Which is actually not a bad idea; Charisma could show us how to pick up guys at LA Fitness while Seth instructs tiny-framed guys like himself on how easy it is to lift 10-pounders without needing a spotter. We'd shell out at least two bucks for that DVD.

• 'BUFFY' CAST REUNITES AT PALEY FESTIVAL [AP]
• PALEY FEST 2008: 'BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER' [CC2K]

1. The Grudge 2—$22 million
Somehow, despite our best intentions to waste twelve bucks on something carefully engineered to steal teenagers' money, we didn't make it out to The Grudge sequel. But from what we understand, [SPOILER ALERT? Sort of?] Sarah Michelle Gellar sticks around for the minimum amount of time to get Grudge'd and hand over the sinking franchise to Amber Tamblyn. Hopefully, the facts that even B-listers like Gellar are bailing on these movies and this installment took in $17 million less than the original will finally bring an end to the dirty-undead-children-offing-slumming-actresses genre, at least before they make it to The Grudge 4, starring the second lead from an as-yet-unwritten teen drama from The CW's 2008 schedule.

2. The Departed—$18.675 million
While some have criticized Nicholson's performance as a little too much "Jack" and not enough "character," we think he showed admirable restraint in the much-anticipated strap-on scene. A lesser actor would have let the dildo wear him, but Nicholson was fully in control of his huge, supplemental appendage as he menaced Matt Damon with its veiny girth in that porno theater.

3. Man of the Year—$12.550 million
It's clear from Man of the Year's soft opening that a well-timed trip to rehab and the resulting press junket confessionals are no longer the promotional weapons they once were.

4. Open Season—$11.8 million
The first seven names on the Open Season credits provide more proof that this year's glut of animated films has led studios to cast them completely randomly from the pool of actors not toiling on higher-profile CGI talking animal projects: Martin Lawrence, Ashton Kutcher, Jon Favreau, Gary Sinise, Jane Krakowski, Debra Messing, and Billy Connelly.

5. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning—$9.643 million
It's bad enough that Michael Bay's messing with Chainsaw's legacy, but we're really going to be upset when his production company's remake of The Hitcher finally reaches the theater. The best Rutger Hauer-stalking-C.-Thomas-Howell movie ever made should never be tampered with. And no one can play the mix of shock and disgust over almost biting into the severed finger hidden in his truck-stop French fries like Howell. No one.

• October 13-15, 2006 Studio Estimates [Box Office Mojo]

Sarah Michelle Gellar will not show her breasts and she doesn't care how much money Hollywood offers. We hear that Gellar, married to Hollywood hunk Freddie Prinze Jr., has been offered roles for "major money" but turned them down because the part would require her doffing her top. A rep for the actress said, "Sarah doesn't do nudity, period. It has never been her thing."

Gellar is to be commended for sticking to her never-nude principles, though we can't help but wonder if maybe her virtuousness might in the long run prove not such a great strategy. Once the Japanese horror remake fad blows over and she gets a little too long in the tooth to karate-kick vampires in the face, Scooby Boobs 3: Daphne's Haunted Orbs could be a real jumpstarter for an actress whose career is on the wane.

• KEEPING IT ON [NY Post]

WILLIAM Morris Chairman Jim Wiatt is so desperate to protect his firm's reputation that he's threatening to sue people who dare to even talk about the agency in an unflattering light. Wiatt was incandescent with rage on Wednesday when he learned that PAGE SIX was working on a story about how Freddie Prinze Jr. threatened WMA President Dave Wirtschafter during a phone conversation several months ago. In March, Prinze was furious after Wirtschafter told The New Yorker that Prinze's wife, Sarah Michelle Gellar, was "nothing" before she starred in the hit horror flick "The Grudge," and he called the WMA president.
"Freddie was very angry," a friend told us. "Dave wasn't even her agent — George Freeman was — so Freddie said, 'I don't want to hear you talking about my wife. You don't even know her. Make sure you don't run into me on the street.' "
Wirtschafter shot back, "Are you threatening me?" — to which Prinze said, "It's not a threat; it's just the truth."

Awwwww, snap! It gets a little more complicated from there, but here's a quick summary: Jim totally called Freddie to ask if he threatened Dave, and Freddie was all, you bet your ass I did! Then Page Six called flack Leslie "Sloane" Zelnick, and she goes, I'm not denyin' nothin'! THEN Jim called Freddie's manager, and he's like, hey, do YOU want a nasty Bert Fields letter, lady? Do ya? We got enough for everybody! Then William Morris' "mouthpiece" is all about Hello? No one's suing anybody, OK? And then Page Six ran the item. The end.

We think. At least until recess, when all hell might break loose.

• AGENTS ON PRINZE AND NEEDLES [NY Post]
• William Morris Fights Back: The Strongly-Worded Letter [Defamer]
• Page Six Finally Playing Nice With WMA? [Defamer]