The assumption when any television show hit ends its run is that the stars will go on to fame and fortune and other projects. Sometimes that happens and we never hear from them again (see Friends and inexplicably Full House) but when it doesn't, they all rush back to familiar territory to jump start their careers. Here's are scale from the worst to best.

Dynasty
Final Episode: May 1989
Breakout Stars: Heather Locklear, Emma Samms (just kidding)
Reunion: Dynasty: The Reunion aired in August 1991. The came back for another go-round Dynasty Reunion: Catfights and Caviar in 2006.
Cause: There were some cliffhanger plotlines to tie up, and really, nobody was doing anything else. Also, shoulder pads were about to go out of style, so they had to do it to save on the wardrobe budget.
Held Out: 2 years
Respectability: So bad it's campy.

Firefly
Final Episode: August 2003
Breakout Stars: Does anyone beside us and hardcore Joss Whedon fans even remember this?
Reunion: Serenity hit movie theaters in September, 2005
Cause: To try to get someone, anyone, to finally watch this thing. It failed.
Held Out: 2 years
Respectability: Did it have any to start with?

Sex and the City
Final Episode: February 2004
Breakout Stars: Sarah Jessica Parker, who was the biggest show when the series started. Everyone else found out there really aren't any roles for women over 30.
Reunion: Sex and the City: The Movie came out in May 2008 and broke box office records. A sequel is planned
Cause: These ladies needed a way to make some money. And, obviously, cosmo-swilling Midwestern "fashionistas" demanded it.
Held Out: 4 years.
Respectability: Shameless.

The X-Files
Final Episode: May 2002
Breakout Stars: David Duchovny, who was only a recurring character on the show's final two seasons, is doing quite well on Californication.
Reunion: X-Files: I Want to Believe, the second movie based on the show, failed at the box office in July of 2008.
Cause: We still haven't figured this one out.
Held Out: 6 years.
Respectability: Pretty lame.

Seinfeld
Final Episode: May 1998
Breakout Stars: All of them, but the biggest has been Larry David, now of Curb Your Enthusiasm who wasn't even an actor on the show. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss is still holding down The Adventures of Old Christine. Jerry Seinfeld sits in his house and counts his money, only leaving occasionally to do stand-up, American Express commercials, and The Bee Movie. Jason Alexander had a few failed sitcoms and KFC commercials. Michael Richards had a racist rant that ruined his career.
Reunion: On the cover of Entertainment Weekly August 2009.
Cause: They'll all guest on Curb Your Enthusiasm this year, where a Seinfeld reunion becomes a meta plot point. For a giggle. They're all still rolling in residuals.
Held Out: 11 years.
Respectability: High.

Facts of Life
Final Episode: May 1988
Breakout Stars: Nancy McKeon was a Lifetime fixture before going to rock the tween set on the Disney Channel's Sonny with a Chance. George Clooney did two seasons.
Reunion: The Facts of Life Reunion aired on ABC in November 2001
Cause: Because the gays thought it would be fun and Mrs. Garrett wasn't getting any younger.
Held Out: 13 years.
Respectability: Surprising good. This also seems to be the exception that proves the rule, either that or all the girls have given up on acting careers.

Saved by the Bell
Final Episode: May 1993 (we're not counting The College Years, which ended in 1994)
Breakout Stars: Mark-Paul Gosselaar did the later seasons of NYPD Blue and is now a hit on cable's Raising the Bar. Tiffani Amber Thiessen did 90210, Two Guys, A Girl, and A Pizza Place, Fastlane, and Good Morning, Miami. Elizabeth Berkley did Showgirls and became a Hollywood punchline, Mario Lopez danced with stars, and Dustin Diamond released a sex tape.
Reunion: The cover of People in August 2009.
Cause: Because it was either that or Jimmy Kimmel.
Held Out:16 years.
Respectability: Amazing!

Cohen, the senior vice president of original programming and development at the channel beloved of gays and their hags, started inserting his pretty little face on the tube by hosting the reunion shows of various incarnations of the Real Housewives franchise. Their high ratings naturally lead him to believe that he was the reason viewers were tuning in and decided to give us a weekly dose of wankery on Watch What Happens Live, where he interviews celebrities (about himself) and Bravo mainstays (about how much they love him). It's horrible and we can't stop watching.

Last week featured the sharpened-pencil face of "real" housewife of New Jersey Danielle Staub, finally shedding light on the horrible thing she did to fellow housewife Dina Manzo that made sister Caroline cry on the recent reunion show. We also got a booty call with Andy's close personal friend Sarah Jessica Parker. He asks her questions about the Sex and the City episodes he guest-starred in, and she rightfully doesn't remember. Don't worry Andy, we'll kiss your bruised ego and make it all better.

Our favorite bit is when he says he's going to send SJP some fried chicken so that she can put it in the blender and feed it to her newborn twins. That, right there, is why Florida won't let gays adopt children.

What we love is that everything about him and his show is as obvious as Michael Kors' fake tan. This Thursday he has on his friends Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos and designer Isaac Mizrahi, who is cashing his Bravo paycheck when he's not making $10 frocks for Target. So, yet again the show will be all about Andy and his network.

And that's with us. We haven't haven't seen such boldfaced buffoonery on television since Britney and Kevin: Chaotic and look how well that turned out!

Diane Lane has signed on to star in a biopic about Triple Crown-winning racehorse Secretariat. When asked about the project, Lane told reporters "I'm just excited to finally be working with Sarah Jessica Parker." [Variety]

Oh you get so excited when you first hear that Hollywood has big plans for a zombie franchise called Deadworld. Because, even though you fear them more than anything else, you really love zombies and zombie mythology and zombie movies and zombie books. So a franchise about a post-zombie apocalypse is totally awesome. And then you read this: "Protag is King Zombie, a Harley-riding corpse who holds a grudge against the survivors who made him an outcast." And then you feel sad. Why? Because zombies don't ride motorcycles. They just don't. [Variety]

Gary Ross, who wrote and directed films like Seabiscuit and Pleasantville, has been tapped to pen the script for the biopic about cancer-surviving, pedal-pushing, wife-leaving Lance Armstrong. When asked about the project, Ross told reporters "I'm very excited. I'm hoping there's a part in here for Sarah Jessica Parker, because we had such a great time working on Seabiscuit." [THR]

Poppy Montgomery, from CBS' Without a Renewal, has signed on to star in Cinderella Pact, a Lifetime Movie Channel movie about ladies losing weight. Seriously! That's what it's about. Also, it's about a harried magazine editor. Because that's a ladyjob! [THR]

Two writers from Heroes have signed two year deals with NBC, where they'll continue to write for that drama and also develop their own projects. And I just... I mean... Heroes has writers? That NBC wants to see more of? Flabbergasted. Simply. Anyone need a roommate in LA? 'Cause they're just giving network deals out at the door, apparently. [Variety]

Matt Prokop, that dickbag from High School Musical 3: Senior Year who was like the new Troy Bolton or whatever, has just signed on to star in Furry Vengeance, a family-type comedy also starring Brendan Fraser. He'll play "a sarcastic city kid" whose mean dad moves him to rural Oregon and then they end up doing battle with animals who are mad at them. Roger Kumble, the man behind Cruel Intentions, is directing the feature, so expect a scene where Prokop has his junk ground-upon by his stone fox step-sister, and then suddenly a raccoon breaks in and everyone dies. [THR]

Oh girl, heyyyy. Lipstick Jungle's resident old lady banger Robert Buckley has landed a promotion, y'all! He's going to star on the best series on television. It's about a single plant, standing lonely atop a mound. Creatively, it's called One Tree Hill! Buckley will play a conflicted character named Jonahz, a youngish man who talks a good game and has a smooth-yet-vulnerable charm with the ladies but there's also something mysterious and maybe broken about him. Ha, actually he'll play Clayton, the "brash young sports agent" (so expect lots of lame Entourage-esque posturing), a role that Brian Austin Green had been maybe gonna do, but then that "fell through." Meaning Green finally sat down to watch an episode of the show and about ten minutes in said "Oh hellllll no." [THR]

OK!
"Love, Lust & Lies." The inside story does not live up to its lame selling point on the cover, since it is just a package of pretty headshots of male celebrities with random relationship quotes. Also, it is called "How To Snag An A-List Guy," but we thought it said "How To Shag An A-List Guy," which we would have preferred. Moving on: Apparently Chris Brown has been calling Rihanna's producer and "demanding" to know if Rihanna is there; Rihanna always says, "Tell him I'm not here." Kimora Lee Simmons says her baby shower was "last minute and low-key." [Fig. 1] But here's what she had: Sliced prime rib; lobster; crab; shrimp; caviar; poached salmon; macaroni and cheese; a fondue fountain with white chocolate, fruit and marshmallows; red velvet cake; Jamaican rum cake and strawberry shortcake. Don't you love a recession? Something Kelly Ripa said at the very end of an interview got turned into a headline: "I Look My Age." Here's her quote: "I don't think I really look that young. I think I look my age, but that's okay, I don't mind that." Then there's a Mother's Day shopping page which suggests a $595 orange bag, a $1350 Tiffany necklace or a $48 candle.
Grade: F (swine flu)

In Touch
"Brad Takes The Kids." …To Niagara Falls. Seriously, the story goes like this: Brad took Pax and Maddox to Niagara Falls, and the copy reads: "While Brad was clearly trying to make it a fun day for the boys, there was no missing the sadness etched into his face." Anyway, the only reason he keeps coming back to live with Angelina is "purely for the children's sake." This story contradicts itself! First it reads, "During the Niagara Falls trip, Angelina was conspicuously absent." Later in the paragraph, this: "Angelina, who was shooting in Albany…" She was busy, people. Then there's a sidebar called "Will She Get Pregnant To Keep Brad?" Because he could walk out on six kids, but not seven. There's also an arrow pointing to her abdomen with the words, "Is that a bump?" Next: Fergie and Josh Duhamel are "getting ready" for a baby, apparently because 34-year-old Fergs said she wanted to have kids by the time she is 35 and her birthday is coming up. Also inside: "Stressed Out Lindsay Is Down To 97 Pounds." The mag helpfully prints arrows pointing to her bones [Fig. 2]. A friend says "She is stressed out and nervous. She can't eat." Registered dietician Joseph J. Mutz, who does not treat Lindsay, warns: "Whatever the reason is behind Lindsay's obvious weight loss, her health is certainly in danger." In a story about the wedding of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, we learn that their families were stuck in the back rows of the church while cast members of The Hills — including JustinBobby — sat up front. In "Octomom" news, a limo driver named Luis Ceballos says "I want to get a DNA test on that first kid." Luis used to drive Nadya Suleman around back when she was a stripper/dancer. He says he had unprotected sex "in the back my limo. right around the time she stopped stripping and disappeared, I found out she was pregnant. That is why I think the kid is mine." In Touch agrees, printing the words, "They look so similar!" [Fig. 3]. In Twilight news, Robert Pattinson is "living it up" because he was photographed having a drink and getting into a cab [Fig. 4] Even though the photos are laid out to seem like one long night of partying, they're clearly from different days. A source says, "He's definitely getting the hang of this heartthrob thing."
Grade: D- (pig sty)

Us
"Caught With Other Woman." Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 might be having an affair. He went out to a club in Reading, PA and wasn't wearing his wedding ring. He and a woman who is not his wife left from separate exits, but both got in his car. He was heard saying: "Hey babe, babe! Give me my jacket." When the two realized photographers had caught them and were taking pix, Jon panicked and said: "Get in the car! Get in the car!" The ladyfriend got in the driver sear and they sped off without headlights. Dramz! Kate was away at a book signing while all this was going on. One neighbor says that Jon is living in the apartment above the garage. Jon emailed the magazine with this explanation: "I went to [the club] to speak to the owner. A friend of mine wanted to check out my car. So I let her drive it to her car." Uh, right. This story goes on for 6 pages if you're interested. There's a Lindsay Lohan story titled "Is She Too Thin?" A Lohan source says: "The eating stuff is a big control issue for Lindsay. She can't control her career or relationship with Sam or what people say about her, but she can just not eat." Then Lindsay texted Us, saying: "I am eating hash browns with eggs and bacon AS WE SPEAK! Lol." The magazine adds: "Her wheat toast, a magazine worker told Us, remained untouched." Multiple sources tell the mag that Lindsay is taking Adderall; another source says "she loves when her ribs are showing."
Grade: C- (pig knuckles)

Star
"Mom At Last!" Jennifer Aniston is adopting a baby boy, and Brad Pitt urged her to do it. An "insider" says she's finishing up paperwork and waiting to bring home her little bundle of joy, who is an American baby. A friend says she picked a boy because she is a tomboy at heart and not a girly-girl. The insider says, "This is definitely happening, and it's incredibly exciting for Jen." She was "toying" with the names William and Jeremiah, but finally settled on "Nicholas," to "honor her Greek heritage." The middle name will be John, not because of John Mayer, but because her dad's name is John. Moving on: Blind item! "Which reality TV sweetie is actually a huge diva? She whips off her mic and disappears for days when she doesn't want to be filmed. The crew can't wait to get rid of her." The story titled "LC Ruins Speidi's Wedding" claims that Lauren Conrad arrived at the church about 10 minutes before the ceremony, "but she wasn't about to sit there waiting. She got up and left the church and went for a walk to get away from the crazy scene." When she came back, the ceremony was already underway, but instead of just sitting the back, LC strolled up the aisle and took her original seat. "She showed little respect," says an insider. Or did producers TELL HER to leave and come back? Another insider said "The whole thing had a cheesy feel to it, it was more like one of Spencer and Heidi's publicity stunts than a wedding." The stars of The Hills only came because they were contractually obligated; Heidi tossed her bouquet on the front steps of the church because none of the Hills stars went to the reception. Anyway, Kristin Cavallari "caught" the bouquet and guess who stars in the next season of The Hills? Moving on: Sarah Jessica Parker is having twins via a surrogate. The mag prints a blurred picture of the woman, who is due July 18, and lives in SJP's home state of Ohio. She's 26, divorced, with one son, works at a kennel and is getting $30,000 to carry the kids. She'd already been a surrogate for two gay men in NYC, which is why SJP picked her. The babies were conceived in vitro using eggs SJP had frozen some time ago & Matthew's sperm. An "insider" says, "Twins is one more than they expected, but they are very happy and excited. It has brought them closer, because it is something they are doing together." There's a 2-page spread titled "How Kim Got Lil' Again." (She got meals delivered and started working out.) Is Angelina pregnant? She was seen wearing an empire-waist dress!!!! Hey, can you guess a celebrity by her silohuette [Fig. 5]? Lastly, "Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars" is celebrity baby pictures. Check out Ryan Seacrest's blue eyeshadow [Fig. 6]!
Grade: C (pig skins)

Life & Style
"I Have Cellulite. So What!" The "exclusive 100% unretouched photos" of Kim Kardashian wearing her mom's bikini are actually kind of boring [Fig. 7,8]. She says she wanted to do the shoot because of the Complex controversy: "I wanted to say, this is me, take it or leave it." She also says: "I love my body the way it is. I'm not perfect. I have cellulite. So what." And: "On the red carpet, the paparazzi scream for me to turn around, because they just want butt shots. People feel so free to talk about my butt, and it's not comfortable. Girls come up to me and grab my butt. Or if I'm doing a TV interview, people ask on camera to squeeze my butt. It's uncomfortable. I'm like, let's move on, everyone's got a butt, why do you care about mine?" In the Heidi/Spencer wedding story, it says that Spencer's parents almost didn't attend the wedding — not because they didn't approve, but because of the cameras: "When they started the show three years ago, my husband and I decided we didn't want to be on it," says Spencer's mom says. "We want nothing to do with it. We sat in the back so we wouldn't be filmed." When one reception ended at 10pm, Heidi changed into a white Juicy Couture sweatsuit with Mrs. Pratt on the back, and they all went to another bar for more cocktails. Also: Heidi is in negotiations to do Playboy. The story titled "Jen's Picking The Wrong Guys Again" is absurd. The mag says her "crushes" are Sean Avery and John Stamos. Avery is a "bad boy" and didn't call her back; Stamos doesn't date celebrities anymore. Someone who will date her? Aaron Sorkin. He's been pushing for a get-together, but "his history of drug problems scared her off." An "insider" says, "Jen admits she can't resist the dark side of men. So you can bet whoever she hooks up with next is going to wind up hurting her." C'mon now. That is just rude. "Is Lindsay's New Addiction Making Her Skinny?" A "friend" says, "when she gets stressed, she forgets to eat." The mag says, "but she doesn't forget to drink!" Apparently Lindsay loves Neuro energy drinks. So much that she's addicted. Lastly, in unrelated news, Extra's Dayna Devon says, "I Love My Tummy Tuck!"
Grade: C+ (spare ribs)

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• Pregnant rapper M. I. A. did such a good job at the Grammys that Oscars show producers say they're desperate to book the overdue fresh-minted mom to perform "O Saya" from the excellent Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack. "We are happy to bring some sort of fabulous bed on stage if that means M.I.A. can be there." (UPDATE: Oh right, she finally had the kid. Sorry for calling you "twisted," Oscars producers!)
• To protect his reputation, Michael Phelps is hanging out in strip clubs. He figures no one can take his picture there. [Page Six]
• Justin Timberlake didn't literally beat away the models with a stick at Fashion Week, but it sounds like it almost came to that. Apparently it wasn't enough that he was making out furiously with Jessica Biel. Models can be dense. [Gatecrasher]
• Angelina Jolie might move to Manhattan. She was looking at a place in Washington Heights. They might already be remodeling the building for her. [Us]
• Jennifer Aniston might run into Jolie at the Oscars. Scientists have various theories on what will happen in the collision, and warn there's no way of knowing anything for certain in advance of the actual event. Goggles, as always, are recommended for onlookers. [OK!]
• Sarah Jessica Parker thinks the next Sex And The City movie will need to be "recession-friendly." Which sounds so implausible it gives us hope the recession might finally kill off the franchise, forever. [Us]
• MC Hammer finally got his own reality show, focusing on his life as a "new-age dad" in Oakland. A&E picked it up. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Guy Ritchie is pissed because he has to re-shoot various Sherlock Holmes scenes, because he was distracted by his divorce from Madonna. As though we all weren't distracted by his divorce from Madonna. [Sun]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are suddenly not going to the Oscars, for some reason. Maybe so they can get some press when they do go to the Oscars. [OK!]

E! reports that all key figures have signed on for a Sex and the City sequel, with shooting to begin "this summer with a release date sometime in summer 2010." New Line clearly has in this franchise a big taffeta cash register on their hands, and we doubt they'll stop until Sex and the City 8: The Varicosing, when the fabulously decrepit four are depicted applying lotion and exploring their own post-menopausal bodies in a bubble bath, while bemoaning the days when you could "still get a decent Cosmo for less that $48, and the Isadora Duncan-style of Greek dancing was still the rage."

• Sex and the City Sequel: SJP & Co. Make It Official! [E Online]

Suri Cruise in Out of This World
The daughter of Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and a strange whirring machine kept in a corner of Tom's basement is but a mere babe right now. But in a few years, the curious patent leather-shoed Victorian tyke could be ready for showbiz. We see her going one of two ways. Either she stars as the spunky yet earthy and wise younger sister to the next tween sensation on a Disney Channel sitcom called Zaidee Zenkman's Zany Zoo or some crap. But more likely, she'll do a remake of Out of This World, a 1980's teen sitcom about a girl named Evie whose father is an alien who lives in a magic crystal pyramid she keeps in her bedroom. She can freeze time and shit. So it would be a reality series.

Lourdes Leon in Way Upper West Side Story
Lourdes is the daughter of a personal trainer named Carlos and a pop singer named Madonna. She's 12 years old and is becoming something of a fashion plate. So it would make sense if she, like her moms, dabbled a bit in filmmaking. Her big remake opportunity comes (everyone's gotta do a remake!) when she's asked, at age 16, to star in Way Upper West Side Story. She plays barrio princess Maria in this Latin and hip-hop infused update of the famous musical. Like current Broadway hit In The Heights, it's set in Manhattan's Washington Heights neighborhood. The story is tragic as, in the end, she loses her one true love, the Upper West Side Jewish boy Tony Arnstein (played by Harvey Weinstein's kid). It's a huge Step Up 2: The Streets-style hit. She becomes a multi-culti music sensation, her mama is proud.

James Wilke Broderick in Were The World Mine
The son of actor Matthew Broderick and the Secretariat of lady business movies and TV, Sarah Jessica Parker, James will enter showbiz against his parents wishes. He'll mostly have small roles in TV shows at first, playing the shaggy and insecure friends of various tween girl stars. Does he have a crush on them? Will they ever date? Who's going to make the first move? The answer will come when, some day down the road, he stars in a remake of this movie. Then, amid a flurry of glitter, everyone will know. He'll end up quitting the biz, opening a restaurant in Hell's Kitchen with his roommate Gideon and spending most of his time out in Montauk, in his flower garden or on the phone with his "Mother dear."

Brooklyn Beckham in Ya Fucked, a Peter Pan "Update"
The eldest son of bedazzled pop singer and fashion designer Victoria and, well, equally bedazzled futbol player David, Brooklyn is as close to royalty as it gets in England (oh... wait.) When he hits 15, coming out of a painful awkward phase and blossoming into his genes-given good looks, he'll decide to take on a ludicrous white-boy rapping career. This will be like seven years in the future, so rapping will mostly involve computers and the sound of cash registers blinging. He'll follow that up with a couple action movies, eventually doing a Guy Ritchie-directed techno funk remake of Peter Pan simply and oddly titled Ya Fucked. It will perform poorly and be the running joke of the industry for about two years or so. After that embarrassment, he'll quit showbiz to go to Cambridge, where he'll excel at art history, eventually taking a teaching post at New Castle and living a quiet life. Until, inevitably every year, one of his students finds an old copy of Ya Fucked and makes him play it in class.

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt in Sweet Valley High School Musical
Shiloh, Brad and Angie's first biological child, will go heavy into showbiz. She'll get her own Nickelodeon sitcom at age 12 called Nipsy Nugget's Nine Nannies about a rich girl with a series of wacky nannies. At age 14 she'll release her debut album, called No More Secretz, featuring such confessional tracks as "U Didn't Kno Bout My Celly" and "Better Luck Text Time." Then will come her most infamous role, playing both Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield in a short-lived TV series called Sweet Valley High School Musical. By age 23 she'll have blown through her Nipsy money, and will be reeling from the relative failure of her two follow-up albums, What U Need From Me? and The Great Connecticut Sousaphone Experiment. After a mild meth problem, mama Angie will swoop in and save the day. At 30, Shiloh will release a searing memoir called Til Smith Do Us Part and will land a supporting role in the remake of the remake of 90210 as a sassy, if world-weary, English teacher.

There are so many more Jolie-Pitts to consider! Let's do a list! (A listicle WITHIN a listicle! Pareene's head just exploded)

• Maddox: This was the first one, right? Angelina Jolie adopted him from Cambodia before she married hooked up with actor Brad Pitt. He'll end up being kind of alterna and will go to Reed in Oregon. He won't do much showbiz, except for directing a few weirdo, trippy skateboarding shorts
• Zahara and Pax: Jolie's two other adopted chillens, they'll both attend Northwestern and graduate with honors. Zahara will become a scholar of feminist theatre, writing her dissertation on Suzan Lori-Parks. Pax and his life partner Ethan will move to Ethan's native Calgary, Alberta where Pax will work as a high school administrator and part-time saxophonist in a local jazz band.
• Vivienne and Knox: In the summer of 2024, the twins, vacationing in Borneo, will hop into a hot air balloon and float away, never to be seen again. Some people will claim to have spotted them doing drag performances of Gypsy at the Guthrie in Minneapolis under assumed names, but those reports will mostly be dismissed as rumor.

After the jump: Uni courts the 'Works, Keira does Zelda, and the NFL sacks the Emmys.

· Universal and Disney are reportedly the last studios standing in the DreamWorks distribution sweepstakes — if that's what you call a pitiful 8% distribution fee. Even the friggin' tooth fairy pays better than 8%. [THR]
· Contrary to rumors circulating Hollywood this morning, Kim Kardashian's accident-scene etiquette will not be the basis for the planned remake of Akira Kurosawa's classic Rashomon [Variety]
· Keira Knightley will bravely roll the dice in a period film for a change, attaching herself to play the stroppy Zelda Fitzgerald in Nick Cassavetes's adaptation of The Beautiful and the Damned. [THR]
· The Emmy hangover continues: Sunday night's NFL matchup outrated the Emmycast by more than 8 million viewers. Perhaps Al Michaels and John Madden can host next year. [Variety]

Boomp3.com

Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker continued to defy the rumors that there's trouble in their personal paradise as they sported matching gray cardigans on Wednesday. Their child's own gray cardigan was taken out of commission earlier in the day thanks to an incident involving chocolate ice cream, but the couple vowed not to let that affect their trip. Broderick said with pride, "It's like we're the Mets. Right now, we're in first place in family fun and we're going to go all the way to big show."

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com

After rumors surfaced last week about being involved in an extramarital affair, Matthew Broderick took wife Sarah Jessica Parker out to dinner in mid town Manhattan on Wednesday night. When asked about the state of their marriage, Broderick said, "I'm going to quote my favorite TV character and say, don't be ridiculous. We're doing great." Parker pensively nodded in agreement with her husband and then flashed the 'A-Okay' hand gesture.

Photo Credit: Splash Pics

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

2% socialite, 0% blogger!

One writer, one photographer, one rapper. Three designers. Seven royals (one of whom is Kate Middleton).

The list:

Ivanka Trump
Michelle Obama
Carla Bruni-Sarkozy
Kate Middleton
Sarah Jessica Parker
Diana Taylor
Julia Koch
Tilda Swinton
H.R.H Crown Princess Mathilde of Belgium
Evelyn Lauder
Zac Goldsmith
Daniel Craig
Matt Lauer
David Beckham
Lapo Elkann
H.S.H. Prince Heinrich von und zu Fürstenberg
Count Manfredi Della Gherardesca
Kanye West
Morley Safer
Bryan Lourd
Sisters Alexandra Kotur and Fiona Kotur Marin
Brothers Rafael, Duke of Feria, and Don Luis Medina
Brothers Andrea and Pietro Clemente
Iris Apfel
Karl Lagerfeld
Julian Schnabel
Sydney and Charles Finch
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
Kelly Lynch and Mitch Glazer
Christy Turlington Burns
Carine Roitfeld
Katherine Ross
Stacey Bendet
Fran Lebowitz
H.R.H. Crown Prince Pavlos of Greece
Jonathan Becker

No, Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham was not named. Nor was Scarlett Johansson or Heidi Klum. Glaring omissions? Please advise.

The International Best-Dressed List [Vanity Fair]

Beginning in 2001, when she forgot to thank her husband during her Best Actress speech at the Golden Globes, Parker has been blabbing to many a tab about just how “treacherous” her 11-year marriage is. Just two years ago, she said in an interview, "I feel bad that he’s not on the market...He’s just getting to his prime and I’m holding him back. Every now and then I see him with a woman and she’s really smart and beautiful and I’m like, ‘God they have great chemistry. They’d be great together.’” Not to mention her recent delight in telling NY Mag that he “doesn’t have enough friends.” Ultimately, the fact that Broderick has been trysting all over town making late-night visits to the mystery woman’s bedroom (and lasting 30 minutes, no less!) sounds like a dream come true for SJP. All her wishes have come true: on the market? Check. More friends? Nailed one. Plus, her remark in the same NYM piece that “Broderick says, ‘That’s your fault!’ when he sees a thong poking up from low-slung jeans” must feel oh-so-satisfying. Parker can even claim responsibility for Matty Cakes’ newfound happiness inside those thongs he apparently stares at every time they leave the house together!

[Photo credit: Splash]

• EYEWITNESS EXCLUSIVE: MATTHEW BRODERICK CHEATS ON SARAH JESSICA PARKER [Star]

Us
"It Was In Vitro!" Angelina and Brad conceived the twins via an in vitro procedure because they didn't want to wait to get pregnant. Brad was the one who pushed Angie to have more natural kids because he really wanted a biological son. Well congrats on getting one! Moving on: Pictures of Sienna Miller frolicking topless with Balthazar Getty. The author writes: "If you were dating a married man, you could be discreet about it — or you could be Sienna Miller." In all fairness, he is separated. A story called "Are They Too Old For…" questions whether Brad should be carrying Pax Jolie Pitt, 4; whether Calista Flockhart's son Liam, 7, should have a teddy bear and whether Suri Cruise, 2, should still be drinking from a bottle. Judge much?
Grade: F (stinging nettles)

Life & Style
"Hollywood's Pregnant!" So Ben's mom has confessed that Jen Garner is knocked up with baby number 2. A section of this story is called "Why They Waited." Their first kid is two years old! Is that "waiting"? The next four pages are stars who maybe someday could possibly perhaps have kids: Eva Longoria, Reese Witherspoon (she got pregnant before she married Ryan Phillippe, so she could get pregnant while dating Jake!), Jen Aniston, Ellen DeGeneres. Moving on: "Why Britney Gave Up The Kids" attempts to explain why Brit "let Kevin win" the custody battle. Uh, she "let" him? There was no way she was going to get full custody while in a conservatorship, right? Love this little chart called "Everybody's Wearing Stripes" because by "everybody" they mean three celebrity kids (Fig. 1). Hate this picture of Audrina "flaunting" her body, because those fake boobs are crazytown (Fig. 2). Mariah Carey has told new hubby Nick Cannon to get a job. She wants him start modeling, and he likes the idea. Kelly Osbourne's "amazing body transformation" is about how she went from curvy to trim. "She's lost weight by being in love," a source says. On the plastic surgery spread titled "Who's Had it, Who Hasn't" basically everyone has had it. Intern Margaret likes Megan Fox's old nose. (Fig 3.)
Grade: D- (poison oak)
In Touch
"Baby Joy: First Photos" So the cover has a picture of Angelina Jolie holding a "baby" and a burst that reads, "20 new pics inside." But. If you look closely, you'll see that Angie is holding Shiloh's doll. And the caption inside reads, "Angelina, here carrying Shiloh's doll, can't stop smiling since she's been home." So, while these are indeed new pictures, they are NOT new pictures of twins Knox and Vivienne. But there are 20 new pix spread over 6 pages. They show Brad, Angie, Shiloh, Zaharah, Pax, Maddox, Brad's mom and dad and some unidentified other boy all playing soccer (Fig. 4). Moving on: Alex Rodriguez has another woman! She's "Madonna's rival." Her name is Maritza Franco and she's "close friends" with A-Rod. Next: Britney is "paying Kevin" for the kids because she's agreed to increase the child support and is getting an extra night of visitation. But! In the same article a source says, "It's not a pay day, it's like this in any divorce." Also inside: Mary Carey is off the wagon. Nicole's older kids met their new little sister Sunday about 12 days after she was born. Kim Kardashian's going to be on Dancing With The Stars. Lastly: Apparently Spencer Pratt will pose for Playgirl… if they pay him $1 million.
Grade: D (thornbush, with points deducted for falsely advertising the cover story)
OK!
"Daddy's Little Boy!" Matthew McConaughey's makes his baby's birth sound like a drum circle: "Contractions started kicking in, and we found a great rhythm. We had a 14-hour session, her and I did. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it. We danced to it. I was DJing this native Brazilian music. We were jamming!" Something happened where the doctors were trying to vacuum the baby out because the umbilical cord was being compressed. Matt says: "This is where I learned — and no one tells you this — but having a baby is a bloody, pukey, sweaty, primeval thing." Little Levi already has a baby wet suit and Matt says, "He'll be surfing next weekend." Intern Margaret thinks the baby looks just like Matt (Fig. 5). Moving on: Britney and Justin back together? Well, they will record a duet for her new album. The song, written by Justin, will be produced by Timbaland, of course. On page 15 there's a picture of svelte Nicole Kidman and a doctor who doesn't treat her says, "It doesn't mean something's wrong, but we'd be worried she exercised too much and didn't eat properly." So remember how Life & Style said "Everybody's Wearing Stripes"? OK! spins it thusly: "Guess Who's Stealing Suri's Style?" The mag also says designers are making sweet babydoll dresses now, inspired by Suri.
Grade: C (ragweed)

Star
"Sarah Jessica's Husband Caught Cheating!" An "exhaustive 5-month investigation" done by Star: Matthew Broderick has been seeing a woman who is a "respected counselor to children" and they met in a bar. She's 25, he's 46. The magazine is protecting her identity, so they only show a pixelated picture. (Fig. 6) Apparently Matthew told the woman that his marriage was "not good" and they fooled around in her apartment. Days later, he texted her to meet him at the Manhattan townhouse of a "showbiz friend" and they had sex. She says "It was great! Matt is a wonderful kisser!" She's nicknamed him Mattycakes. All this was happening while SJP was filming Sex And The City. Eyewitnesses saw Matt make 2 more late night visits to the woman's apartment building. On another occasion they had sex in the woman's friend's apartment because the woman's boyfriend was home. The woman is pissed that Matthew told her he was going on vacation in Ireland but then she saw pictures of him in Hawaii with his family (he was texting her and saying how beautiful Ireland is.) Eventually the woman broke off the relationship because Matt admitted that SJP didn't know that he thought their marriage was "not good." Moving on: Angelina and Brad left the hospital so quickly, they left behind champagne bottles and an autographed card from Bono. (It might have been on purpose, to throw off the paparazzi.) Oh, and their estate in France is over run by wild boars. Next: Is Zac Efron taking human growth hormone? He's gone from "scrawny to brawny." (Fig. 7) Oh. And look at this picture of a picture of Halle Berry showing a picture of her baby (Fig. 8). Diddy is engaged to singer Cassie. Ellen is on a 1,000 calorie a day diet. David Beckham broke the law by driving with his 5 year-old son in the front seat. Plus: Michelle Williams has found love… with Spike Jonze! She's known him for years but recently they were spotted kissing. Amanda Seyfried broke up with her long-time boyfriend while filming Mamma Mia because she was having feelings for costar Dominic Cooper. She says: "The fact that I felt something in my heart for Dominic made me feel that something was definitely wrong. I sat and thought about it for weeks." Sam Ronson has been accompanying Lindsay Lohan to AA meetings for the past year, and Sam won't drink as long as LL is sober. Lindsay's been undergoing random drug testing while shooting her new movie as a condition of the producers. (She's clean.) Lastly: Katie Holmes' hands are "veiny, wrinkled and purple" and Scientology is to blame.
Grade: B (tall grass)
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[American Artist] has been described by the Elves team of Dan Cutforth and Jane Lipsitz as a "Project Runway"-style competition series that takes on the art world.

Aspiring artists compete to produce various styles of artwork (painting, sculpting, etc.), which is then judged by a panel of experts.

We know what it is you're going to say: That something as subjective and pure of intention as art needn't be sullied by commercialism and voyeuristic opportunism. But as anyone who's ever blown a CalArts MFA prof to get their plasticine horse-busts into a Culver City new artists' exhibit already knows, the art world is as crassly trade-driven as any L.A.-based industry. Why not, then, use the power of cable to launch the next art world star, who'll emerge from a pack of hot tranny collaging messes to nab a handsome spread in Artforum, $100,000 to get their art business off the ground, and, best of all, the title of Top Art Fag?

• Sarah Jessica Parker lands show at Bravo [THR]

And coincidentally (?) the lads at Maxim have backpedaled on their brutal Rex Reed-like criticism of Parker last winter, when they crowned her the Unsexiest Woman Alive.

In a rather pathetic effort to make amends, the August issue tries to make up for the bullying piece with a shiny new judgment of Parker's appearance. Too bad it’s just a brilliant use of semantics, twisting the same exact insult into a more flowery-sounding version of its original assessment: "This Barbaro-faced broad [needs to] pull her skirt down, Secretariat, we'd rather ride Chris Noth." (Um, we hear Details is hiring?)

To which SJP memorably respondedat the time: "Do I fit some ideals and standards of some men writing in a men's magazine? Maybe not. Am I really the unsexiest women in the world? Wow! It's kind of shocking... It's condemnation, it's insane. What can I do?"

Well, SJP? Apparently, get that mole removed and, voila! You're now the magazine's "Unexpected Crush." Congratulations! We think! Sort of!

• LATE AMENDS [NYP]

There’s nothing wrong with Sarah Jessica Parker that couldn’t be cured by wart-removal surgery. That growth on her face just gets bigger with every close-up, and in the full-length movie version of Sex and the City it’s so distracting you can’t concentrate on anything else. It’s not a beauty mark. I guess you can’t tell a co-producer anything, but listen up, girl. At this point, you would make a wonderful Halloween witch.

Even though it's nearly two months later, we're still just as flabbergasted as we were the day that we first read this. It's one thing that this quote got written in the first place, but what really irks us is that this bilious diatribe actually got past an editor and actually made it into print. Congrats, gents ... hope you sleep tight tonight!