Last year, Lohan put her personal contact info on her Facebook page, and it circled around the internet for just about anyone to call her. Someone figured out her voicemail password (it wasn't hard, it was 1234) and Animal New York posted a sample of the aural delights found there, and it's not pretty.

Sure, there are a few drunk people saying retarded things, but even worse are all the people trying to get something out of her: a party promoter who wants her to host a gig that her girlfriend Samantha Ronson is DJing; a girl who wants to "have coffee" because she's "DJ, like Samantha Ronson" and then leaves her MySpace address; and her father, who just wants a call back.

Actually the saddest part is when Michael Lohan says that he went to hang out with Lindsay's siblings, but they didn't want to see him. Instead, he went to 7-11 and bought a copy of Lindsay's CD and is driving around listening to it. He even holds up the phone so we can hear. Yeah, cause that's what is going to make your daughter like you, knowing that you purchased her magnum opus from a roadside convenience store for $7.99?

This is the torture that must lead the starlet to her misbehavior. Oh, Lindsay, it is a sad and lonely life you lead, but this is why God invented publicists. They take all the shitty calls you don't want!

Ellen (DeGeneres, of the talk show) asked about the breakup and the rumors that Lohan had a restraining order issued against her by Samantha's sister Charlotte, in her usual funny, friendly way. And Lindsay gamely, well sorta gamely, played along. In that bitchy girl from high school trying not to act bitchy because you guys are stuck at your lame parents' dinner party because they're friends and she wants to be good so she'll get a car but mostly she just seems really disinterested kind of way. So it was disinterested, evasive stuff: "I didn't even know..." and "what could I do?", in reference to the alleged restraining order.

But mostly, yeah, Lohan claims she heard about her breakup in the big awful Media before she heard it from the horse's mouth. Which is too bad. Remember when that happened to poor Minnie Driver?

Aufdenkamp has been called Lohan's "main gay," though at one point he told Hollywood gossip Perez Hilton he was straight. What the tabloids agree on: He's a bad influence whom Lohan's friends blame for her relapses.

Like Lohan, Aufdenkamp has a Twitter account. And his tweets, leaked by a helpful tipster, seem to confirm tabloid reports that Lohan has been out partying with friends. (Lohan has denied reports that she was downing Grey Goose, claiming she was drinking a vitamin-laced nutraceutical cocktail instead.)

Update: This email just came in:

i don't know if this email is going to the right place but i have received a few messages on my facebook with a link to your article that is stating that my twitter page was revealed. i don't have one and i would appreciate it if you could take down the article. I'm trying to get the twitter page removed. if you have any questions now or in the future please, just email me. thank you. thank you.
Patrick.

So it may just be another crazy prank in the Lohansphere section of the Twitterverse — like the time a dude in Michigan registered an account in the name of Lohan's mom Dina.

If it's a prank, it's a well-done one: The Aufdenkamp account's tweets are mostly banal. But we find this interesting: At the same time that he's directing smiley faces to Lohan's private "sevinnyne" account, he's also making nice with Samantha Ronson on Twitter, even after she changed the locks on her ex-lover. Another Twitter correspondent of Aufdenkamp: Nicole Richie, who's said to have dissed Lohan, Mean Girls-style, at a party at the Chateau Marmont.

Here are Aufdenkamp's purported secret Twitter messages:

Below, we hunt for actual gossip in the pages of OK!, Life & Style, Us, In Touch, and Star



Ok!
Some people on The Biggest Loser weigh less than they used to. Here's their secret: exercise and eat healthier food. In other news, Kevin Federline told Britney Spears that he will take their kids off her tour if she doesn't stop her wild ways. She's been clubbing with her back up dancers, and the mag says her shouting "Merry Christmas" during a March 24 concert and wearing a blonde wig is evidence that she's "increasingly erratic." A source says Kevin, "didn't sign up to be the babysitter so she could party." Next up, in a two page interview with Brittany Murphy about her dog, the mag prints this sentence: "You would think that, since she's been married for almost two years, owning a cute puppy would point to one thing on Brittany Murphy's to-do list: babies!" In Lindsay Lohan news, a mutual friend says she and Samantha Ronson were cheating on each other. "Sam's 100 percent cheated. [sic] But Lindsay hasn't exactly been faithful herself," says the pal. "She would make out with a tree if it called her beautiful." The mag redeems this F of an issue with a Kathy Griffin bikini shoot. As you'll recall Kathy was recently pictured in her bathing suit with Paris Hilton. "A lot more guys were looking at me than Paris," says Kathy. "Granted, they were gay, but they were checking out my hot ass!" She calls out new Hollywood moms who parade their post-baby bodies in a bikini, saying, "Most American women don't lose weight after they have kids, but according to Hollywood you do! It's like a diet!" and shares her thoughts on other star's swimsuit looks. (Fig. 1)
Grade: F+ (Finding brown jelly beans)

Life & Style
In an 8-page interview, Nadya Suleman claims once again that she's never been on food stamps, says now she's going to "wait until the kids get much older to go back and finish getting my master's degree," and insists, "if I were married, I'd still be judged, but not this harshly." She denies that she used to be a stripper and says the only plastic surgery she's had is a breast reduction. The cover claims she talks about the octuplets' father and having more kids, but she just says she won't give any more information on the dad and when the mag asks if she'd consider adoption, she replies, "I don't know." Moving on: Angelina and Brad are fighting over what religion the kids should be raised with. Angelina once said she would teach her kids about all faiths and let them pick, but Brad wants the kids raised Baptist like he was. "He's from a family that looked at church as a big part of their lives," says an insider, "and he wonders why he can't expose his own children to the same influence." Rosalie Hale of Twilight spent the night at co-star Robert Pattinson's place after a party. There are pictures of Pete Wentz partying with scantily clad women at the Palms Resort & Casino in Las Vegas. He was "dancing with a girl, then he was being wheeled around in a wheel chair and playing slip-and-slide with KY lubricant." Wife Ashlee Simpson was not present, but it turns out the whole scene was being filmed by the hotel for promotional footage. According to Dr. Rey's Casebook, post-nose job "Megan [Fox]'s sniffer complements her face" but "Sarah Jessica [Parker]'s could use some straightening." He also claims Claire Danes would look better with Hayden Panettiere's nose, but we beg to differ. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (Rotten Easter egg)

Us
This is either the best or worst mag of the week, depending on how much you care about Lindsay Lohan. The only notable story is an interview with Lindsay, in which she tells her side of her breakup with Samantha Ronson in excruciating detail. Basically, she says that the Ronson family conspired to ruin her relationship and the Charlotte Ronson party was a set up. A friend lured her there by saying Sam wanted to talk to her and when she got there Sam was crying the bathroom. Ronson's mom started yelling at Lindsay, and the other party guests turned on Lindsay. "Nicole Richie walks by and goes, 'Uck.' and I don't know what I've ever done to her," she says. Linds says she didn't write the updates on her Twitter. Someone at the party knew her password and hacked into her account. It seems the mag isn't buying Lindsay's story, as the article is peppered with contradicting quotes from anonymous sources. "Lindsay's state has just devolved completely. She has no grip on reality and feels the world is against her," says a friend. "She should be institutionalized at this point."
Grade: D (Melted chocolate bunny)

In Touch
"Now It's War" Brad put his foot down when Angelina suggested they adopt another child from Ethiopia, and now she's furious. "She told Brad he had no right to tell her she can't add to her family and that she will adopt again - with or without his permission," says a friend. Angie pointed out that she adopted Maddox, Zahara, and Pax as a single mom, so she really doesn't need Brad to adopt. Though a friend says, "if it comes down to choosing more kids or keeping Brad, then she'll choose having more kids," she doesn't seem that into the six she has. "Angie gets flustered trying to do Zahara's hair," the friend says. "And she doesn't always have the patience to do Shiloh's hair either. She asks the girls to try and learn to do it themselves." Next: "Are the Hills stars pressured to have surgery?" The mag speculates that in addition to Heidi Montag (who has admitted to going under the knife), Audrina Patridge, Lo Bosworth, Whitney Port, and Olivia Palermo may have had facial plastic surgery. (Fig. 3) Cameron Diaz has been fighting with boyfriend Paul Sculfor, and the mag claims it's making her lose weight. "She's been pining for Paul and lost her appetite," explains a friend. Now that Paul is in England for work, "She doesn't have him to cook for anymore." Here's a new theory from on why Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer broke up: he's kind of gay. (Fig. 4) Katie Holmes "has decided to give [Tom Cruise] as many babies as he wants and not wait" because "she believes the most important thing in life is making your loved one's dreams come true," says a friend. In a recent interview Tom said he wants 10 kids so the mag figures Katie has seven babies to go. In "Ed's Gone From Hunky To Chunky" we learn that Ed Westwick has put on an estimated 10 pounds. His Gossip Girl castmates have been making fun of him, costumers had to buy him bigger clothes, and they asked the producers to tell him "they don't want Chuck to be fat."
Grade: D+ (White stuff on your chocolate)

Star
"Caught in Bed" Britney Spears has been hooking up with Kevin Federline on tour. "It's like they're newlyweds all over again," says a family insider. K-Fed's girlfriend, Victoria Prince, "caught" them when she called Kevin's cell phone at 2 a.m. and heard Britney giggling and talking in the background. Brit's annoyed that Kev answered the phone so she's been flirting with backup dancer Chase Benz to make him jealous. As for Kevin, he "now says Victoria is more a friend with benefits than a girlfriend. Since she caught him with Britney, he's not even hiding their flings from her anymore," says a source. In wedding news, the mag claims Seth Rogen is planning to propose to his girlfriend of four years, Lauren Miller this summer, while Anne Hathaway and boyfriend Adam Shulman may get married this fall. They've only been together since October, but they are planning to have a "trial marriage" (the mag's term for living together) when they relocate to New York City this summer. There's a room in J.Lo's mansion devoted entirely to her expensive wigs. Levi Johnston's sister, Mercede, talked to Star about the Palin family. "Levi tries to visit Tripp every single day, but Bristol makes it nearly impossible for him. She tells him he can't take the baby to our house because she doesn't want him around 'white trash,'" she says. Blind item: "Which reality starlet can't choose between her jealous boyfriend and her ex? Not only was her costar her first beau, but he was also her first lover! the fashionista is still obsessed." Clive Owen says when he visited his daughter Hannah, 12, at school, she introduced him to her "half-boyfriend." Clive complains, "She tells me, 'Dad...I share him with a friend.' I still feel awful thinking about it." Next: Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have been fighting so they've turned to Scientologist marriage counseling. But, since Tom is an Operating Thetan, they're only advising that Katie needs to change to please Tom, who outranks her. Moving on: A New Jersey businessman has filed divorce papers claiming that, Ann C. Kelly, his wife of 17 years, "committed adultery with one Bruce Springsteen ...at various times and places too numerous to mention." Kelly says they're just friends but people in the area have said for years that they are having an affair. Finally, in the sidebar "Arms Disgrace" the mag writes: "Kudos to Khloe [Kardashian] for resisting Hollywood's pressure to be pin thin ..." then goes on to say she needs to get rid of her "saggy" upper arms. (Fig. 5)
Grade: C- (Stale Peeps)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

That's what the celebrity media is betting at least. Us Weekly scored the biggest coup in the current news cycle: an on the-record interview with Lohan.

"It's absolute hell," Lohan told Us... Lohan says she's "so alone" without Ronson.

"Everyone's turned on me," says the actress.

Socialite Nicole Richie, Lohan reports, said "Uck" as she walked by Lohan following a Lohan-Ronson showdown at Chateau Marmont, while actress Drea De Matteo told Lohan, "Come at me, bitch." It sounds like there just might be another side to the story there. Anyway.

Us also quoted "sources" saying Lohan has threatened to kill herself repeatedly over the past month in response to Ronson trying to extricate herself from the relationship. The magazine rushed its coverage onto the cover of Wednesday's issue, where it describes Lohan as "Dumped, humiliated, broke & crying."

National Enquirer sibling RadarOnline, meanwhile, has "rehab graduate" Lohan "chugging" a bottle of Belvedere vodka at a Hollywood club with her mom Monday night and implied Lohan maybe lit a joint.

Over at Time Warner, TMZ had Lohan "devastated" over press reports Ronson might seek a restraining order, while People, providing a rare bit of good press of Lohan, later quoted Ronson's attorney saying his client didn't want such a restraining order.

Lohan is in a sad and tragic place, no doubt. Also pretty certain: No media outlet's about to pass up, in the middle of a recession, what's looking like the biggest celebrity meltdown since Britney Spears' mental hospital tour of '08.

But his next target? Jessica Simpson, played by a woman with more weight on her than the singer has.

In case you miss it, there's attention paid to her "fat." Also, she is eating a burger whenever possible.

Reference is made to Amy Winehouse, but we'll get to her later.

A Kim Kardashian look-alike also plays a part in this video, intimidating mere mortals with her otherworldly ass.

Next we see Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson doppelgangers. The lyrics: "Lindsay, please come back to seein' men: Samantha's a two, you're practically a ten." The way "seein' men" is rapped, it sounds like "semen."

Then Eminem, dressed as Spock, puts a sleeper hold on "Uhura."

Right after Em mentions Ellen and Portia, (he says, "Sorry, Portia, what's Ellen DeGeneres have that I don't, are you telling me tenderness?") we see Sarah Palin, showing bra.

The Asian playing Inuit and the polar bear seem cribbed from SNL.

But Eminem doesn't just make fun of women, or reality stars. He makes fun of himself. Here he is as Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, which is not only a tip of the hat to critics who say he is nothing without his producer but Em's own way of toying with the notion that he's the "idiot savant" who only knows one thing —how to rap — and not how to behave in public or be politically correct.

But it's about 3:13 miuntes in, when Eminem — as Spock — visits "Planet Womyn" — that will probably get people all riled up. This barren wasteland of butch dyke sterotypes finds Em fighting "Sam" Ronson while "Lindsay" looks on…

… From a cage. Homophobia alert.

Still, after dressing like Elvis and making out with "Amy Winehouse," it's intersting that Em is seen doing this:

Sticking the body of Kim Kardashian in a wood chipper [shades of 'Hustler'? Or 'Fargo'? -Ed.] , and watching cash come out. Because honestly, as the chorus of this song goes, "We're the ones who made you." It's easy to make fun of these women but to also see that they are targets, and in most cases, the more we talk about them, the more money they generate. Celebrity is a business that eats people alive, and there's an entire layer of this video which acknowledges this fact.

And "Sarah Palin" pulling off "Bret's" bandanna to find him bald is just hilarious, and something we have all speculated about.

While Eminem's video might be sexist and homophobic and also a little bit funny, at least he doesn't let himself off the hook: He's in the electric chair, getting fried.

By turning the attacks on himself, the video feels more like a zany free-for-all and a nihilistic look at one man's lost place in society than a straight-up attack on women and gays. It's not especially shocking; especially considering the kind of lyrics and videos hip-hop is known for. But judge for yourself:

Eminem — We Made You [This Is 50]

Adding new details to an earlier Post item, \Justin Rocket Silverman blogs that he was outside a party for Charlotte Ronson at the Eldridge when he saw Lohan girlfriend Samantha Ronson storm out, "a scowl on her face." Lindsay soon followed, chasing after Ronson. Silverman soon followed, notebook in hand, following the fighting couple. By just "a few steps."

At one point Samantha stopped in the middle of Houston Street and said something in a whisper.

"What are you talking about?" shrieked Lindsay in response, "I've been with you all night!"

The couple disappeared into the Bowery Hotel, and Silverman did some reflecting.

As I strolled away, I was struck by two things. First- how painful it must be to have a lover [Ronson] who is so much older, and probably more emotionally mature, toy with your heart and mind.

Second- how identical Lindsay Lohan's screams sounded to the drunken female cries I hear every night outside my East Village window.

As we read Silverman's Post post, we were struck by two things. First, how painful (yet denial-piercing) it must be to have an intrepid reporter document one's inaugural Valentine's Day blow-out fight.

Second, why was a pin-up like Silverman working on the gossip beat on Valentine's? Still single, apparently. Sigh. We did our best, Rocketman.

• Or at least he was over Christmas, when he was only allowed to send a brief text message to his worried parents. At 50 years old, the man's grandmother is younger than the witch Madonna, who has at press time taken the form of a heap of sand and chicken bones that lurches across the plains. We'll keep you notified if any more children go missing or if, God forbid, she takes her Shadow form and can therefore easily enter any home, at any time. [NYP]
• Lindsay Lohan and her wife of 29 years Samantha Ronson got in a spat on a New York street as they returned to their hotel last night. "Samantha Judith Ronson, why are you doing this to me?" Lindsay called after her lover, who was stomping back to the Bowery Hotel in stony silence. When they got back to their room, Samantha was moodily flipping through the channels and Lindsay said "well fine then." In the car ride back home Lindsay said only one thing: "You missed the exit, Sam." Samantha cursed loudly and hit the steering wheel. Once they'd finally made it home and were sitting eating a painful, silent dinner at the dining room table—do they really need this big table now that the kids are gone?—Lindsay whimpered a bit and said "I just wanted it to be a nice vacation." Samantha nodded her head and said, "I know. I know. I'm sorry." And they went to bed and when they woke up, it was a new day and there were new things to be done. [NYP]
• Ageless actress Ellen Barkin is filming a TV pilot for HBO in which a sassy blond lady divorces a high-powered asshole. So it's basically her Ron Perelman story. In the TV show, Ron dies in the first episode. [Rush & Malloy]
• Rapper M.I.A. has given birth to a baby boy. Insiders at the hospital say that it's kind of strange looking at first but then you see all the crazy eccentricities in him and you start to like him and then you can't get him out of your head and you think he's maybe talking about like immigration or refugees or something? But you can't really tell. After a while, though, you just want him to go away. [Us]
• Now that she's all famous, Slumdog Millionaire actress Freida Pinto has dumped her boyfriend of four years. Citing irreconcilable loserdom, Pinto told courts "he just doesn't get it, you know?" The boyfriend, Rohan Antao, was reportedly last seen at a sports bar, pointing to the TV when an ad for the film came on and glumly saying to the bartender "Yeah, her. No man, I swear." [Showbiz Spy]

Strange then, that Lohan would choose not People or Us but Life & Style to issue her exclusive rebuttal (apparently, Pennysaver was not available). "We didn't break up. No," Lindsay is quoted as saying. "People need to stop creating drama, it's gross."

Sadly, Lohan's own publicity team didn't get the memo. E! spoke to Lohan's unnamed rep (we're guessing Leslie Sloane Zelnick) and asked whether the rumors were true. Instead of a blunt "Absolutely not," the rep answered with a world-weary "I don't know." Not adequite, Leslie. Not nearly adequite.

• Life & Style exclusive: Lindsay: Sam and I are still together! [Life & Style]

AH quotes a source close to Lohan who says that following the split, the actress has moved out of the house she shares with Ronson. It's the dénouement of Hollywood's most beloved, barely confirmed same-sex affair, and AH claims it began to unravel as the two of them staged a series of epic public spats in Miami:

On New Year’s Eve, things went from bad to worse as Lindsay and Samantha hosted a bash together at club Mansion, where the two reportedly began another fight in public, before taking their shouting match outside.

According to the [New York Post], Lindsay screamed, “When I storm off, you are supposed to follow me!” [...]

The paper claims the war of words later turned to a physical altercation back at the hotel the two women were staying at.

“They were punching each other – it was bad,” another source told the paper. “And they were doing this in front of all of us. It was scary.”

Our condolences to both women as they work out the stages of Hollywood grief: terse publicist denials, mysterious MySpace entries with moods of "sad" and "confused," and finally, a statement from Leslie Sloane Zelnick confirming, "After nearly a year of friendship, Lindsay Lohan will no longer be attending club nights that book DJ sets by Samantha Ronson. Please respect her privacy as she struggles through this difficult time."

• Source: Lindsay Lohan & Samantha Ronson Split Following Public Spats [Access Hollywood]

It was a good run while it lasted! For years Tara Reid, an actress whose only talent was to remind you of that one babysitter you had that used to sneak menthol cigarettes in the back yard, made a whole career out of dousing herself in Blue Curacao and setting herself ablaze. Lindsay Lohan, a slightly more chaste version of that same babysitter, became famous not really for her roles in movies like Mean Girls and A Prairie Home Companion, but for her hard partying, her various automobile accidents, her splendiferous fire crotch. Sure she eventually banked steeply, the left side of her fuselage ripping off, and exploded over the Andes, but it was a glorious journey for a while. And these ladies, along with Paris Hilton and every dim bulb heir to something or other boy who creaked after them, helped create a new industry of Perez Hilton bloggasm and InTouch magazine shriekery. Everyone was dancing and dancing as fast as they could, spinning themselves into Butter and then suddenly! Poof! It feels kinda over, right?

For one, the economy is in the pile of shit that's buried under the shitter. And to mirror that, Poor Tara is doing sad, "mistakes were made" magazine interviews. Lindsay Lohan is comfortably dating a deejay named Samantha Ronson (yes, dear readers, that's a woman! Maybe they'll get "married!" Keep reading Page Six to find out more!) and she's partying like a lot, lot less than she was before. And Britney is making a quiet little comeback and caring for her kids as best she can (one of them almost exploded last night, but whatevs). Doesn't it seem kind of passe now, all of that crazed going out and drunken slurring for the wobbly cameras of TMZ? It does to us! All the celebrities these days are about causes and whatnot, and so what if it's just bandwagon trendiness. If it means less reality shows about dumb idiots getting their hair dyed and chewing gum and more about people with jobs, then we're OK with it. These are very troubled days, and (finally!) the jewel encrusted partying doesn't just seem silly, it seems irresponsible and unforgivably tacky. Which means, maybe, that the terrible Perez and TMZ monsters will be slain by this economic Bellerophon once and for all and we Gawker people will just start offering tips on, like, urban gardening or something (I know a guy). They've been the ones fueling this whole wickedness. They should go first.

For further proof, just look at the mega success of the most recent High School Musical movie, which opened in actual movie theaters this time and has raked in $75 million in just three weeks. It's a rolling-up-the-sleeves tale of good kids being good and putting on a show. There's nary a swear, swill, or sex moan to be seen or heard in the squeaky/freaky clean enterprise. And for once that kinda feels OK! At its frizzy, tired, Cheez Whizzy heart, that party culture felt awfully cynical and lazy. Though there's plenty to be cynical about these days, there is also, um, Hope! and Change! and the chance—for the first time, I'd argue—for the younger generations to begin the work of making their mark, of rubbing Tom Brokaw's nose in it and saying "there's no Greatest, Tom. They're all Great in their own way."

So—maybe a little early, there's probably some defrib still to be done—we're calling it: the greasy rococo party culture of the early aughts is dead and gone. Replaced by a new can-do, a spirit of hope, change, lesbian relationships, shuddering babies, and reality shows about people doing things. Not quite a Brave New World, sure, but it's something.

A coy Lindsay Lohan insists that she isn't a lesbian and barely cops to being bisexual - but admits that she's dating a "wonderful" woman with whom she's madly in love, according to a new interview with the starlet. "I think it's pretty obvious who I'm seeing," Lohan told Harper's Bazaar magazine. Nonetheless, she pointedly refused to name her lady love, LA DJ Samantha Ronson. When asked if she considered herself a bisexual, Lohan answered, "Maybe. Yeah." But she was adamant that she wasn't a lesbian, giving an emphatic, "No," when asked.

All right, Linds — despite the fact that most people would be better off disavowing beaus like Wilmer Valderrama and Calum Best, we'll give you the "bisexual" bit. But, really? You're still not going to confirm that you're seeing Ronson, despite, y'know, having fessed up to it already? Visibility matters, Linds: just think of all the confused boys and girls out there who need to know that someday, it will be OK to be thrice-rehabbed, unemployable, and (oh yeah) bisexual. Do it for them!

• HERE'S THE LO-DOWN [Page Six]

It's here that Francis unloads, implying that Lindsay is the equivalent of a "lesbian until graduation" and stating that, uh, Rosnan is a "wretched woman...taking [Lindsay] down a path that's just wrong for her." Thank God, America, that we have fine, upstanding men like Francis who are so concerned about our young ladies going down the wrong path. Be there for her, Joe. Be a shoulder to cry on, an ear for her worries, and a positive influence who can help lead Lindsay out of the woods with a 12:30 am carton of pralines and cream and a tender, heartfelt message: "Those tits look great in that shirt, but I bet they'd look even better out of it..."

• The Tyra Banks Show

Boomp3.com

Popular actress Lindsay Lohan stopped by a Los Angeles area gas station to pick up what she considers to be her life force: candy! The star of such films as I Know Who Killed Me and Just My Luck purchased the min mart’s entire stock of Sprees, Sour Patch Kids, and a few bottles of Nesquik chocolate milk. Lohan hoped her restocking mission would keep her going through at least Wednesday afternoon.

[Photo Credit: WENN]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Bosom buddies Lindsay “Flame702” Lohan and Samantha “Rizzo” Ronson made a triumphant and safe return home to Los Angeles early on Thursday morning. The terrific twosome rushed home to host a Vice Presidential debate party, one in which they fully intend to boo and yell, “What a dummy!” whenever Palin answers a question. Ronson said, “Palin... Don’t get me started. Don’t even get me started.” And after the debate, the fantastic twosome intends to shout “Manny” while the Dodgers/Cubs game is on.

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Basking in the radiant glow of the Mexican sun, gal pals Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson enjoyed some popsicles while on vacation. Ronson had to instruct Lohan on the proper way to enjoy the frozen treat; it had been a long time since the Herbie: Fully Loaded star had enjoyed one. Although, Lohan picked up the proper technique in no time and was going to town on that popsicle like a pro. A near by guest relations’ assistant nearly passed out from what he called, ‘the awesomeness of that boner party,’ but expressed a fear of the toned twosome being stung by the rogue jellyfish in the middle of the beach.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Though she’s only been out of rehab for a year, insiders are claiming that “Lindsay's been drinking, doing cocaine and causing all-around mayhem for the past few months…. She quit going to Alcoholics Anonymous and has absolutely never taken recovery seriously. She's gotten progressively worse, and everyone in her life is really scared." Even worse, she showed up at the VMA’s with red scratches all over her arm, leading people to fear she’s started cutting herself again. If you’ll recall, the last time she did that was back in 2006 when she claimed she’d hit “rock bottom.”

Of course, Lindsay’s MySpace blog tells a different story. In an entry dated September 19th, the starlet writes (without using capital letters, just like e.e. cummings):

“my publicist emailed me today saying that star magazine is going to publish another ridiculous story about me- then again it’s not like their track record is up there with the new york times. if anything they printed was true, i’d be married, pregnant with mark ronson’s child and hanging with my sister and her ‘fake’ boobs all this while being dead due to an overdose… wow! according to them i am one busy girl, even more so i am one busy dead girl!!!!"

Hmm. So who are we to believe here, Lindsay herself or a tabloid magazine? At this point, it’s hard to say. Whatever the case, I’m just glad Lindsay has such a supportive family environment to fall back on in times of trouble. Oh wait…

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Lindsay Lohan Relapse:Booze, Coke & Cutting [Star Magazine]
• have a good weekend!!! [MySpace]

Asked, "You and Samantha have been going out for how long now?" Lohan giggled and demurred, but Stryker pressed on. "Like two years?" he asked. "One year? Five months? Two months?" Finally, Lohan allowed, "A very long time." The MySpace pundit then accepted compliments on her relationship, eventually signing off in a bit of Italian that stumps the hosts (is that how lesbians talk?). Our congratulations go out to the newly confirmed couple. Stryker, you'd better prepare for tonight's inevitable Michael Lohan call-in. [Loveline]

It'S once nude, twice shy for Lindsay Lohan. The Sapphic-leaning star has turned down a $700,000 offer to do an eight-page topless spread in Playboy's 55th-anniversary issue this January. "If there's nudity, then the answer's no . . . She's not going down the [New York] magazine road again," Lohan's rep told Playboy's creative consultant, Hal Lifson, referring to Lindsay's naked Marilyn Monroe tribute last winter. Lifson said he hoped to have Lohan do a tribute to '60s sex kitten Ann-Margret and her film "Kitten With a Whip," which is one of Lohan's faves.

Only $700,000, Playboy? While we know that Lohan's film quote has dropped precipitously in the past few years, she's now become one of Myspace's premiere intellectuals, and a classy blogger like Lohan can't be expected to doff her top for a measly 700k. Make it $1.5 — and throw in some Dixie Cups — and you'll be in business.

[Photo Credit: Splash News]

• LINDSAY LO-DOWN [NY Post]

On the other hand, now we aren't sure we really wanted the Ronson profile in the new issue of Angeleno Magazine to answer that last question:

She began working a majority of the nights each week for club owners who, she admits, were at least as interested in hiring her for her enviably loyal social circle as for her facility with her Technics. ... “Basically, they didn’t care if I was a good DJ,” she’s admitted. “They just wanted my friends at their club.” ...

All of which has, during the last few years, inexorably led to her current pole position in L.A.’s velvet-rope after-dark scene via high-profile residencies and one-offs at, among others, Area, Hyde, Goa and Teddy’s, where gigs typically bring in between one and two grand per night, as well as a slew of increasingly remunerative corporate-sponsored private parties (paying upwards of $10,000 a gig) for the likes of BCBG, PlayStation and Verizon.

“The response was off the charts; we got tons of press,” one East Coast club investor, Randy Greenstein, recently said of a series of back-to-back special event gigs he secured in late July. “We got very lucky that Lindsay came with her. We booked her two months ago, right before the news broke that they were sort of together, and even then there were nine other offers for her for the same date.”

"Lucky"? Maybe so. What you see is in fact what you get — a "cross-your-fingers gamble" for promoters and sponsors who bank on the Lohan sighting that will put their events over the top. And if they split? We're confident Ronson should make do either way; Semel seems to have bounced back with screeching resiliency following her own Lohan daliiance. And at least she'll never face Jodie Foster's steep predicament. Or will she? Anyway, sorry. We'll lay down our magnifying glass now.

• HItting Pay Flirt [Angeleno]