Justin Timberlake's stalker—surprisingly, not Brittney Spears—one Ms. Karen McNeil, was busted on Timberlake's property last week. When asked to leave, she wouldn't. So Timberlake danced out a restraining order on this psycho, who'd also tried to follow Axl Rose. Which is sad for Justin Timberlake's publicist. So is the fact that, instead of just loving Justin, she's apparently being possessed by witches. Witches? Witches!

In the nonsensical ramblings, Karen states that she has been targeted by "Babylon witches" who seek to cast their "evil" on her.

Babylon witches? WTF? Has Robert Moses State Park really gotten that bad?

But Timberlake isn't the only one. Ryan Seacrest has a creepy leprechaun who thinks he's been made in Seacrest's image, or something. No, but seriously, this guy's scary, and he has a knife, and now Seacrest has a restraining order against him:

Lawyers for Seacrest got the order from a Los Angeles judge on Friday after Chidi Benjamin Uzomah Jr. was detained at the E! Entertainment Television headquarters the same day. Records show the 25-year-old man is already on probation for a previous incident involving Seacrest. Last month, Uzomah pleaded guilty to three misdemeanours, including carrying a switchblade knife as well as assault and battery. That was after he attacked one of Seacrest's bodyguards outside an event.

Who else? Miley Cyrus has had a ghoulish, pervy, 53 year-old stalker. Who just went free today. This was the guy who thought he was getting secret messages from Miley through the television a la Videodrome. Whereas we all hear "this music sucks, listen to something else," this creep hears, well, someone telling him to do creepy things. Which makes him crazy.

So what's there to understand about these people? Why do they think famous people give a shit about them, you know, besides the fact that they're mentally ill? What causes it? If the Stalker button on the top of this page is blatantly evident voyeurism, among other things, what goes beyond it? I'm sure it's still being studied, somewhere. In the mean time, Bret Easton Ellis plans on showing us the answer. Who else? Ellis is adapting a book for TV about Young Hollywood as seen through the eyes of a stalker. Wonder if he did his research on subjects close to him. Then again, considering his definition of "scary," he might be trying to teach us something. The stalked are scarier than the stalker, maybe?

Nah. Despite the fact that Hollywood's full of scary people, the people they spawn and inspire are even scarier.

Celebrities: they're nothing like us.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

And right now there is a bit of panic afoot in showbiz, that with a mere 138 days until showtime, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences still hasn't decided on a helmer for the trophy trot. Nikki Finke reported last week, that last year's host and producer, Hugh Jackman and Bill Condon, are planning not to return to the Kodak stage. The pair's up-market, olde-timey glamour version of the show, gave Oscar its first ratings uptick in seemingly forever; a dramatic break in its long slide into irrelevance. ("What an honor for the Aussie actor" grandma Nikki writes of the of the Academy's desire to bring Jackman back to the show.)

UPDATE: Since the writing of this item, the producers have been named...and they are...Hairspray director Adam Shankman and former Fox CEO Bill Mechanic.)

Every year, Hollywood debates the question of how to update an event that is inherently the stodgiest thing thing on Earth. For starters, the thing that Oscar was conceived to honor — big glitzy prestige films — don't exist anymore, so the show will from now until forever be torn between giving their statues to little independent films that no one saw (and hence, that no one wants to see an awards show celebrating) or trying to find ways to squeeze nods to Dark Knight into a show that will never actually honor such popular films.

And for that matter, what with the media attention span being half a second long these days, if you are talking about movies that came out last year, you might as well be giving a lesson in like, the Cold War or Vietnam or something.

Not to mention — three hours of people in tuxedoes getting trophies and making speeches?!? In the epoch of cat videos!? Is this some kinda of Twilight Zone episode? Is America being punk'd by Oscar?

So what the heck do you do with a still huge but dwindling monstrosity like Oscar? Basically you can embrace the future or deny it, and either route has its merits. Here's our suggestions for the roads Oscar could take:

EMBRACE THE KIWANIS WITHIN
Oscar is never, ever going to win over these kids today, so go with your strength. Lead with the stodgy; you'll play well to your base and once every decade and a half, catch a retro wave. These days the Hollywood establishment is the aging Baby Boom generation, who are bound to actually become cool one of these days.
Host: Billy Crystal
Producer: Jeffrey Katzenberg
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Braveheart
Opening Number: A Rockettes lead a musical tribute to the films of screenwriter Ron Bass, high-stepping to the greatest moments from Rain Man, Snow Falling on Cedars and Dangerous Minds.
Clips Reel: A complete recap of The Today Show reporting the weekend grosses every Monday morning of the past year.
Log Line: This IS your grandfather's Oscars.

DRINK THE GLOBES UNDER THE TABLE
The reason why the Golden Globes have held their own against the declining Oscars is liquor. The dinner setting of the Globes show has traditionally meant well-lubricated winners making some of the more free-wheeling, demented speeches of awards season. Well, two can play at that game. Mandatory tequilla shots and forced picks from the mystery wheel of amphetamines for all attendees.
Host: Jack Nicholson
Producer: Ben Silverman
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Couples Retreat
Opening Number: Stars careen to their seats on a giant Slip 'n Slide placed down the aisle.
Clips Reel: The best moments of buddy comedies, guys who love to laugh with each other.
Log Line: Come and Get It!

POST-MODERN OSCAR
Pander completely to Hoodie Nation with an all self-referential celebration of quirk.
Host: Michael Cera
Producer: Spike Jonze
Ideal Best Picture Winner: (500) Days of Summer
Opening Number: Michael Cera sits on the floor of the Kodak stage listening to the mix tape he has made for an impossibly cool girl featuring acoustic remixes of John Hughes soundtrack songs. As we watch, the audience travels inside a giant movie screen and from the perspective of the Oscar nominated films, we watch Cera go to the movies with the impossibly cool girl, but never get to first base.
Clips Reel: Great Moments in Mentioning Bands During Movies.
Log Line: Oscars? What?

LOGANS RUN
The tweens have taken over entertainment; how long does Oscar think it can hold out anyway? Show Oscar's commitment to staying relevant by terminating the careers of any actor over 35 on live TV.
Host: Vanessa Hudgins
Producer: The Kardashians
Ideal Best Picture Winner: New Moon
Opening Number: 50's style sockhop dance number as George Clooney, Angelina Jolie and all the old people in the audience are loaded onto the original Sputnik rocket and blasted into outer space.
Clips Reel: The progression of Taylor Lautner's abs, from flaccid to six pack.
Log Line: This is on, bitch.

GANGSTA OSCAH
When you get down to it, the Academy is the original original gangsta.
Host: 50 Cent
Producer: P Diddy
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Final Destination 3D
Opening Number: The Kodak Theater is transformed with gold plated chandeliers and stripper pole while a car chase screeches through the lobby, ending in a cataclysmic explosion on stage.
Clips Reel: The history of on-screen bling.
Log Line: Don't Forget Who Brung You.

THE REALITY ACADEMY
Turn the show into a real time competition with bug eating contests, relay races and back stage confessionals.
Host: Ryan Seacrest
Producer: Nigel Lythgoe
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Step Up 2: The Streets
Opening Number: Nominees forced to perform a Polish mazurka, with one catch; one mis-step and the plummet into a tub of a million centipedes — and lose their shot at taking home Oscar.
Clips Reel: Night vision cameras placed in the hotel rooms of the stars while on set reveal secret celebrity hook ups — and a few drunken nights with a key grip or two.
Log Line: Oscar Wild!

THE TMZ OSCARS
Why fight it anymore? Throw down the barricades; let the paparazzi hordes loot and sack the kingdom, enjoy the rush of attention that the train wreck will bring. And whomever is still alive after showbiz has been reduced to smoldering ruins — let them figure out what to do next.
Host: Perez Hilton
Producer: Harvey Levin
Ideal Best Picture Winner: One Night in Paris
Opening Number: Celebrities are vivisected before the audience's eyes, the last remnants of their souls are ripped out and and then eaten, buffet style by the nation as a whole.
Clips Reel: A million Tweets are simultaneously projected directly into viewers' frontal lobes.
Log Line: We're Here.

"It does not appear that she's going to be back on 'Idol,'" says Paula's manager David Sonenberg. He's tried and tried to get some sort of deal from producers FremantleMedia and 19 Entertainment, but well... we all know what it means when Hollywood doesn't return calls. Blame new judge Kara DioGuardi. Paula's status as Queen of AI felt rocky as soon as there was a new girl in town. We smell a catfight!

Ryan Gay/Straight/Gay Seacrest, meanwhile, sits pretty and overly tanned with his three-year, $45 million deal. Oh, Paula, we love you, because you're cra-ay-ay-azy! [EW]

Well, if Tina Fey wasn't rich before, she definitely is now. NBC has begun selling syndication rights to her 30 Rock sitcom, starting with an $800,000 per episode deal with Comedy Central and WGN America. They're expected to also get the show on lots of local affiliates, which is when the big, big money will start rolling in. That's the crazy thing about syndication. Like... Patricia Richardson, from Home Improvement? Hasn't done much since. But? So fucking rich. [Variety]

John Goodman and Susan Sarandon, who both recently completed Broadway runs, will join Al Pacino in HBO's Barry Levinson-directed You Don't Know Jack. The film is about assisted-suicide champion Jack Kevorkian. Sarandon and Goodman will play two of his loudest supporters. [THR]

So it will, in fact, be snarky Canadian Ryan Reynolds who Reynolds wraps himself into a tight superhero outfit for The Green Lantern. Reynolds will also be playing the superhero Deadpool in a movie called Deadpool, about a Canadian guy who is sarcastic and has swords. Blech. [Variety]

Forget about Tina Fey, it's Ryan Seacrest who just got rich. The American Idol host has just signed a three-year, $45 million deal to continue with 19 Entertainment's primetime programming. So that money's just for his network TV work, not for his radio show and E! stuff and production deals and holy cow, the man is just made of money. Bad news, though, about the show: Kara DioGuardi will likely be back. Again, belch. [THR]

Playwright and Dirty Sexy Money creator Craig Wright will develop a religion-themed series for Showtime called Revelation. It's about an "unconventional" minister who moves to Texas with his teenagers after his wife dies. So it's Showtime's answer to Big Love, only set in Texas. Wouldn't it be funny if Bill Pullman played the lead? [Variety]

Moody actor Danny Huston will play King Richard to Russell Crowe's Robin Hood and Sienna Miller's Maid Marion in Ridley Scott's as-yet-untitled Robin Hood documentary. This thing is taking forever to get made. I mean, they just now cast Richard the Lionhearted? Just now? Sheesh. Oh, and you know who's playing Little John? Creepy Keamy from Lorst. Kinda fun. [THR]

Um. Judge Reinhold and Lea Thompson are going to star in a zombie movie together. Is it about their careers? Hahahaha. No, it's actually described as "Shaun of the Dead for American audiences." Which, wait. Americans didn't get Shaun of the Dead? "Hey Lurleen, I get that these fellas is foreign and might be gettin' eaten, but what in the great 48 is a 'crumpet'? Doggone, I wish someone would make somethin' I understand. Somethin' with the nerd from Beverly Hills Cop innit maybe..." [Variety]

Or at least that's the joke he made! The entertainment mogul was on Ryan Seacrest's radio show yesterday and yukked that that's how resolved the Project Runway dispute between his company and Silverman's NBC/Universal.

"This is a bombshell," Weinstein growled. "Ben Silverman said, 'Why don't Harvey and I arm-wrestle this? Naked!'" And Seacrest, of course, giggled that way he loves to giggle when anything gay comes up. Seacrest added that it must have been a first in conflict resolution, but Weinstein, delighting in seeing the sprightly little frosted pixie in stitches so, decided to press on with the joke.

"I've spoken to some of his dates, and apparently it's not a first," he said as Seacrest went bright red and peed himself a little, out of a heady mixture of hysteria and awkwardness. I mean, really, when Harvey Weinstein makes a joke, you'd better goddamned laugh.

Nice, if not surprising, to see that Weinstein is treating this like a victory. Though we assume that Bravo will have the last laugh (or giggle!) when no one tunes in to watch PR on the damn Lifetime network.

[Page Six]

Maybe it was a lack of preparation. Cultural insensitivity. Or maybe Seacrest is just getting tired of this sort of work. In any case, he was off his game. Examples:

Weird foreign kids who don't speak English confound poor Seacrest

What was Seacrest thinking? He was unprepared to read the names of some Indian kids from the cast of Slumdog Millionaire. The logical thing to do, then, would be to ask each child to quickly say his or her name. Instead, he briefly held an illegible piece of paper up to the camera. Then he asked the disappointed kids to all shout their names at once. They wisely ignored him.

There was some awkwardness over English, which some of the kids did not speak, and which Seacrest made them feel pretty much as terrible as possible about. (After we posted about this last night, commenters pointed us toward the other Seacrest flubs.)

Seacrest asks whether Slumdog cast real-live SLUM-DWELLERS

The host was fascinated that director Danny Boyle used actual slumdogs or whatever. Boyle reminded him that they try to think of the poor kids as normal human beings instead of total freaks. Then his eyes asked if Seacrest couldn't do the same.

Seacrest asks Marisa Tomei where she's been the past 15 years

Yes, she's made movies since My Cousin Vinny, Ryan. Dig the death stare at the end.

The red-carpet interviewer tried to get everyone to shout their foreign and strange and difficult long names at the same time, a futile effort. "That didn't go well," he said. Indeed! Nor did the next thing.

But then Seacrest was quiet for a little while and let the kids talk, to adorable effect, thus rescuing the moment. Clip above.

(NB to Seacrest: Next time an Indian film is widely favored to win Best Picture, maybe brush up on those tricky South Asian pronunciations.)

This latest addition to the Defamer beefcake collection (of Seacrest and his man-duo partner Simon Cowell jetskiing in the Caribbean) is ideal for those Seacrest fantasists who had always imagined him in his off hours, adorned in nothing but a vest, a saucy, come-hither stare, and something dangling from his lips. Enjoy, and kill yourself.

[Photo Credit: Bauer Griffin]

Silverman popped up intermittently as a caller to best friend Ryan Seacrest’s radio show on KIIS-FM, and the two seemed to enjoy fueling speculation about their private lives. The NBC chief is known for squiring around young women, but there were so many references to West Hollywood that the website Defamer marveled, “Who knew that Silverman and Seacrest were so well-versed about the gay goings-on [there]?”

At one point, Seacrest noted that Silverman was celebrating his birthday (his 38th) and told him, “You are my cake, I am your candle.” When Seacrest asked Silverman what he was wearing, the line went dead.

A few weeks later, in September, Silverman accepted an award for NBC’s commitment to diversity at Outfest. “I debated whether or not to say this, as I am a bit of a press target,” he said. According to an account in The Advocate, those in the audience collectively inhaled, “waiting for him to come out.” No such luck. “No, it’s not me,” Silverman continued. “But my mother is gay.”

As amused as we are by Masters's next sentence ("None of this would matter if Silverman had come up with an outsize hit for NBC" — yes, who would even care if he was a 'mo if Kath & Kim had 95% retention from Earl?), we feel we should clarify that we don't actually think Silverman is gay. Frankly, the idea of Silverman and Seacrest engaging in some man-on-man schmoozing in which hair gel is used for things that hair gel ought not be used for is enough to turn us Mormon — and that's saying something!

• 
  Ben Silverman's Unlikely Rise [The Daily Beast]

On the topic of likes and dislikes, Fey said that when she hears the expression "President Palin," she thinks to herself, "I want to be done playing this lady Nov. 5." To the gathered journalists she added, "So, if anybody can help me be done playing this lady Nov. 5, that would be good for me."

Further pressed on what she thinks of her uncanny physical similarity to the GOP vice-presidential hopeful, Fey responded, "First of all, I was very resistant to acknowledge that there was a resemblance. Then my kid saw Sarah Palin on TV and said, 'There's Mommy.' "

Sadly, Palin then had Fey's child fired, further punctuating the sad fact that even Fey's virtual comedy sweep (accurately predicted by Defamer!) isn't enough to stop journalists from playing a game of "This Thing Looks Like That Thing." We're sad it's come to this, but if Liz Lemon shows up on 30 Rock this season suddenly rocking contact lenses and a blonde bob, Fey will be the only person in America who can safely be called blameless.

• Tina Fey's Emmy Loss – Her Purse [People]

Details are super sketchy at this point. We don’t know what the show will be about, we don’t know who will be in it, we don’t know what network it will be on. We just know that it’s coming and we felt it was our civic duty to alert you to this troubling fact. Break out that plastic sheeting and cover your windows, stock up on canned goods and fresh water, build yourself a panic room. When two forces as powerful as Seacrest and Hilton form an alliance, there’s no telling how catastrophic the consequences will be.

Of course, the show could also be wicked boring and fade into obscurity. Either way, consider yourself warned!

• Ryan Seacrest, Paris Hilton Hook Up...for TV [E! Online]

You scoff, but think about it. Where were we before he was hatched in a Merv Griffin-underwritten research laboratory somewhere on the NM/AZ border? No, not wealthier in every sense of the word and filled with boundless hope for the future! We were utterly Seacrestless—set adrift on an open red carpet landscape, without a clue as to how to best conduct a Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna interview at the Daytime Emmys without seeming as though we were just biding time until Joy Behar made her way down the press line. So begrudge Ryan not when you read that his ever-expanding empire is expanding some more.

Seacrest is more than just a sublime inevitability. He's the mold for a new breed entirely: The mogulsexual, that flawlessly manicured Captain of New Industry, whose blind commitment to embodying all other annoying urban-male neologisms resulted in the steady accumulation of mind-boggling levels of wealth, power, and fame. You don't hate Ryan Seacrest. You want to be Ryan Seacrest.

Defamer, out.

• Yet Another Deal For Ryan Seacrest Inc. [Deadline Hollywood Daily]

My First Blog! Posted July 28th 2008 9:04AM by Big Rob
What's up everybody..my name is Robert Feggans but most people call me Big Rob.

Lately, my job description has grown a little bit as the boys asked me to rap on their single Burnin' Up. They also asked me to perform it each night which is an absolute rush. It's an honor to share the stage with these boys.

There is no room for error on the security side of things so I take my job very seriously. I love what I do and the people who surround me make it what it is.

We're heartened to learn firsthand that the Brothers saw in Rob not just a mobile bullet-absorption device, but a talent for spoken-word performance that would ultimately contribute some much-needed bodyguard-cred to their live act. With his tight flows about a life spent choking paps for pop stars on the hard streets of Robertson Blvd., there's no telling where their musical legacy might lead us, with their forthcoming LP "A Little Bit Longer" already being touted as "Sgt. Pepper's" for the post-tween undie-chewing generation.

• Big Rob Blog [RyanSeacrest.com]