After analyzing his appeal to Americans ("I think what I inherently possess—verbose, loquacious, obsessed with language...occasionally grandiose but self-effacing, full of self-doubt, egotistical—these things are in alignment with assumptions that they have of English people") and detailing a teenage, prostitute-laden trip to Bangkok with his father that may have begun his lady-killing ways, Brand is asked exactly why so many women want to sleep with him:

“Well, I don’t know—I’m sure there are as many reasons as there are women—but I think if there is a consistency, I think that there’s something that’s very truthful in it. I’m completely honest, I completely love them, and I’m completely in alignment with something that’s truthful. If I was going up to women and going, ‘Oh, all right darling, you’ve got lovely hair, do you want to come back to my place, I’ve got a Jacuzzi’—all of which is true—I don’t think it would work. But honestly, the thirst is so powerful: ‘Oh, my God, you’re so beautiful, how can you not come with me now, it’s going to be brilliant. Why would you not? What are you doing? What’s on the telly? What are you going to do instead?’ I’m not a [real] estate agent with a Porsche key ring on my thumb. The thing I’m offering I can deliver.”

Hmm, and here we thought it was the hair all this time. Perhaps it's time to fish that comb out of the trash can. [GQ]

[Photo Credit: Martin Schoeller/GQ]

However, after his erudite seduction technique was rebuffed by a comely New York Post source unsure of what "ablutions" were, Brand's affections returned to more familiar waters.

British comedian Russell Brand isn't done picking on the Jonas Brothers.

Who does he want to kiss on New Year's?

"I think all of the Jonas Brothers," he told Usmagazine.com at the Los Angeles premiere of Bedtime Stories on Thursday. "But very gently and consensually."

We have a feeling certain JoBros might return those kisses more consensually than others, but we ask that Brand not be deterred. Clever placement of the mistletoe and a subtle spiking of the tour bus egg nog could lead to a session of flat-ironing sexually charged enough to please even ardent fornication-prescriber Courtney Love.

• Russell Brand: I Want the Jonas Brothers to Be My New Year's Kiss! [Us]

So does the British lothario give better text than his American counterparts? The NY Daily News has the evidence:

After dancing up a sweat with one lovely lass at an NYC bar, the "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" star began a barrage of text messages. "I have excellent facilities for ablutions, should you ever tire of the sweating and such," he pinged. "I'd be happy to scrub your back - from a safe distance. Russell. X."

After the gal confessed she'd found a gray hair one day, Brand eased her worries: "We could meet early evening and bolster your rightly damaged ego with orgasms."

But our favorite line was, "Come and see me in the daytime. We could generate a satanic infant."

Certainly, Brand displays a certain wit and depth of vocabulary that often eludes the typical American male's sexy text ("U BONE TONITE?"). But Helen, really: some things ought to remain private.

• Actor, comedian Russell Brand shows humor in pickup scene, too [NY Daily News]

Though we'd figured the layers of locks held some sort of Samson-like ability for the British lothario, Brand explained that really, his intent is to get closer to God — or serve as a calling tower for extraterrestrials, should they exist. Still, the powerfully hypnotic effect of his hairstyle on Letterman ought to give Brand hope: perhaps a simple question of "Do I have something in my hair?" to his crush, Helen Mirren, could result in another red two-piece hanging off his bedpost.

• Late Show [CBS]

Brand, who will soon be co-starring with Mirren in The Tempest, kicked off the flirtation in the Daily Mail:

He said of Helen, infamous for getting her kit off for the camera: "She is so hot. There's something about her that drives me wild.

"She's so sexy and enchanting, just look at her form.

"They're going to have to hold me back when we start work. I'll be all over her. I don't know how I'll get any work done."

Eventually, the Mail caught up with the cougar in question, who purred:

"I heard Russell fancies me. I fancy him too," [Mirren] told us. "I mean, who can resist a man that looks so good in tight trousers.

He's absolutely lovely."

Helen and Russell, while we adore you separately, we fear that a potential union between you two could end badly; after all, think of all the cocaine, date rapes, and water sports you've worked so hard to put behind you! To become romantically entangled would only bring those bad habits back to the forefront, so we must politely ask that you stay with your previous partners (Mirren with Hackford, and Brand with his elephant vagina) before the British film industry is brought down by a debilitating storm of naughty randiness.

• Russell Brand wants to bed Dame Helen Mirren [The Mirror]

• Brand new toy boy? [The Mirror]

The pair are said to have enjoyed an intimate dinner last night at Hollywood's Little Red Door restaurant, where they arrived and left separately in an apparent effort to avoid being photographed together.

...Just hours before their romantic dinner last night, Russell told reporters he was back on the prowl after a three-month relationship with Australian Teresa Palmer, describing himself as 'footloose and fancy free'.

We can't decide: does dating Brand augur trouble for the disaster-prone Spears, or is it a decided case of trading up? Time will tell if their union is meant to be, but if it means that Britney will replace her Cheetos with bangers and mash, then right-o, guv!

• Just as Britney Spears is getting her life together... she goes on a date with ex-drug and sex addict Russell Brand [Daily Mail]

Boomp3.com

It must’ve been a case of déjà vu for actor Jonah Hill as a photographer sneaked up on him again while jogging in Hollywood. However, this time around, the photographer did not tempt Hill with cupcakes or other delicious treats. Instead, the photographer was more interested in Hill’s beard and simply asked, “What’s the deal with the beard, dude?” Hill explained that he was growing the beard because he’s going to do a guest spot on Deadliest Catch as well as to make a stab at credibility. Hill said, “Philip Seymour Hoffman has a really nice beard growing there. He’s pretty well respected. Maybe, if I had one of those things, I’d be able to do more dramatic work. Something intense or maybe a part as Nick Nolte’s crazy long lost son.”

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

"I had John McCain gags pulled. And they asked me to tone down the gags about Sarah Palin. I wanted to say she was forcing her teenage daughter to have a baby because she is so anti-abortion.

"But also, as a Republican she is pro-execution so she is going to give her the electric chair for being a little slut.

"They weren't keen on that one."

Finally, something Jordin Sparks and her archenemy Brand can agree on: if Bristol Palin had simply eschewed "slutdom" and worn a promise ring like good girls do, she would never have gotten pregnant at age 17, forcing Sarah Palin to consider executing her own daughter while firing all the dinosaurs in Alaska. At last, some change we can all believe in!

• Russell Brand pulled Sarah Palin electric chair jokes at VMA [Telegraph]

"It’s something I feel strongly about,” she tells EW.com. “I wish I would’ve worded it differently — that somebody who doesn’t wear a promise ring isn’t necessarily a slut — but I can’t take it back now. It was a split-second thing, and it came out kind of wrong. Still, I don’t regret it.” Neither do the Jonas sibs, who complimented Sparks moments after the rant. As for Brand, he and Sparks shared a laugh after the show. “I have nothing against him at all,” says the singer, who insists she’s not turned off by the experience. In fact, she’d happily go back. That is, “If I get an invite.”

Of course you will, Jordin; after all, your impromptu diatribe gifted the ceremony with some desperately needed sparks (excuse the pun). We look forward to the brand-new MTV special Jordin Sparks's Wagging Finger, where MTV replays the awards show with picture-in-picture commentary from the Idol winner as she shakes her head at Katy Perry's provocative banana peeling and mutters at the tarty Miley Cyrus, "Such licentiousness!"

• Jordin Sparks 'doesn't regret' promise ring outburst at VMAs [EW]

Band member Nick Jonas told Newsbeat: "For us it's cool to see that he recognises we are gentlemen."

...The question is, did Brand misjudge the audience?

Kevin Jonas replied: "I think he focussed on certain things and didn't move off of them. People's attention spans in America need more than that."

We'd crack a joke about Kevin's low estimation of our attention spans, but we already forgot what we were going to say. No matter, as Brand seems to have taken the criticism to heart, according to Rolling Stone's backstage account:

“And I’d like to take this opportunity to say, ‘No one ever have sex again. It’s a mad idea. What a crazy way to spend an evening.’ ” Brand said he had a “lovely time” hosting the awards. “I do think it was a comeback for Britney,” he said. “This is the resurrection of Britney Spears. I saw stigmata. And, I liked when Lil Wayne leaned over and touched my legs. I think he might be from another world and he has a message for us all.” Brand also called Republicans “evil” and suggested “we need to return to socialism.”

While we can't imagine why Brand saved his Socialist jokes until the ceremony was concluded, we feel moved to defend the comedian; without his bluntly political jokes and sexual mockery, the show might as well have aired on the Disney channel. If MTV has to make stars out of clean-cut teens, we'd prefer them to be "not that innocent" and prone to writhing around with big, phallic snakes.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Jonas Brothers react to Brand [BBC]
• Backstage at the VMAs: Britney Basks in Her Wins, Brand Condemns Sex, Linkin Park Rate the Night [Rolling Stone]

i didnt go to the "VMAS" as we used to call them but theyve gotten so fucking Urban i dont know i guess Van Toffler thought ( hes an exec at MTV ) he was being edgy and he WAS by letting my darkling prince Brand host the mtv awards- but theyre not the "VMAS" and they never will be again - i had ZERO desire to watch let alone go and thats one of my very favourite people ive ever known or had the honour of being friends and fiends with hosting it so i feel horribly rude that my desire not to watch assholes with chastity rings- oh for fucks sake ive had some great conversations but not ONE has ever ended in an Orgasm, y'all need some pussy and some cock and shut the hell up-

..but fuck it, its irrelevant, i am DAMMIT CELEBRATORY- i love when a friend does well and Russell appears to have done quite well- ist not exactltya fucking rock fest at mtv its...... "date my mom" remember- and it will never revert back to reliably rock n roll- its just the economiclevel of thier decision marketing wise to "grow with thier audience"" aka save mass money on shows by just predating on peoples insane desire and frenzy to be on insanely dysfunction al reality shows for free.

Translation: Courtney Love has some quibbles with MTV (just like us!), though they're nothing that couldn't be fixed by a night at the downtown Standard, two of the three Jonases, a bottle of Veuve Cliquot, and a vial of ground rhino tusk. Should such a thing ever come to pass, we exhort you, MTV: play that video.

[Photo Credit: X17]

• How was Russell? [Myspace]

8:12 Kanye closed it out, backed by The Mysterious Drumming Monks of Burbank. Man, what a night. We're going home to celebrate our technical virginity. We dedicate it to Britney Spears! Good night, everyone! See you tomorrow.

8:07 A third trophy for Britney, the Original Purity Ring-Wearing, Intact-Hymen-Flouting Pop Queen! She's now being whisked off in a golf cart with the host to do lines with Tai the Elephant in the V.I.E. section. (Watch out for that Tai—she's a real hoover.)

8:06 Kobes presents VIDEO OF THE YEAR. This is the first time we've actually paid attention to any of the nominees, and you know what? These videos suck.

7:55 There really is a sad irony in having Russell Brand—the most gleefully filthy-minded comic to come along in some time—host the most Jesusy, virginy, Purity Ringy-y VMAs like, ever. We're sure this says Something About America, but we'll wait until Levi Johnston (who's so hardcore—he tattooed his Purity Ring on, bitches) comes on as a surprise presenter to close the show. The tweens will go wild!

7:49 So much for the 2008 MTV Britney Meltdown Awards! She just picked up BEST POP VIDEO, forcing her back on stage for more ratings-friendly face-time. This is the most spectacularly uneventful Triumphant Comeback in history. We're crying glitter.

7:47 There is palpable, seething hatred for Paris Hilton in the room right now.

7:40 "Tokio Hotel [ˈtoːkio hoˈtɛl] is a German band founded in Magdeburg, Germany in 2001 by guitarist Tom Kaulitz, singer Bill Kaulitz, drummer Gustav Schäfer, and bassist Georg Listing." Ah—thanks, Wikipedia.

7:38 Yikes, Russell Brand is losing his voice. The audience, he lost about an hour-and-a-half ago. We really do like Brand, though, so we guide you back now to his legitimately funny interview with us from a few weeks back. It's almost over, Russell.

7:35 It's the Christina Aguilera accountants/background dancers again! Hi, guys! Remember us? From before? When we snuck in behind you into the dress rehearsal? No? OK, nevermind.
By the way, we were just told the Fire Marshall shut down the ENTIRE SOUND STAGE. Mark Burnett was pleading with them for 20 minutes trying to get back inside. Seriously, we've never seen chaos like what we witnessed on our way inside here.

7:33 Zac Efron just threw his Purity Ring into the audience. A hysterical teen instantly jumped on it, then ran out of the studio, screaming, "I finally have a legitimate reason to pierce my labia!"

7:29 Rhianna just performed her new duet with T.I. This single doesn't rape Soft Cell, it rapes...the viral video kid who sings the "Numa Numa" song?

7:22 Jordin Sparks just threw down for Purity Ring wearers throughout the world. Or rather, in America. Stupid shit like Purity Rings could only exist here.

7:21 BEST HIP HOP VIDEO winner Lil Wayne just thanked three things: "Family, God, and Y'all," at which point the man wearing a yarmulke next to us clapped enthusiastically, wooed, and shouted back, "Tha's right! We here!" For what it's worth.

7:19 Ah, Slipknot. That's a little more like it—we remember feeling too old for this shit watching them take the stage back in the late '90s. Glad to see they're still committed to the mask shtick. We knew that would come back in style eventually!

And we believe we've just been McLovin'd.

7:11 Pink's pleather leotard (pleathertard? No, that's Pam Anderson) has all the Gays in blog row moist in the panties. Oh, and a straight photographer from Reuters—for what's it's worth, Pinks.

7:07 Miley Cyrus was just caught getting busy with the bassist from Rock Band. For heaven's sake—he's not even in a real band, Miley. He's a video game bassist. Can't you ever show some self-restraint?

7:04 Ah yes, Slash and Shia LaBeouf, side by side, where they truly belong. We think this makes Shia's first public appearance since..the incident...and all we want is to see his pinkie. There it is! We love you and we're here for you, Shia's Pinkie. Oh, and Linkin Park won BEST ROCK VIDEO.

6:59 Commercial-time topic for discussion: Notice how the 25th Annual VMAs seem incredibly reluctant to admit to their own age? Face it, MTV: You old.

6:55 Live! From the Whiskey A Go Go! It's Paramore! Ha ha! Tricked you! They're right here, on a set cleverly designed to look like the Whiskey A Go Go. Also—forgive our old-fartiness, but who's Paramore?

6:53 We're not sure if Russell Brand is talking too quickly for us, or too esoterically, but some brain just dribbled out of our left nostril and onto our laptop.

6:45 We now take this boring Pussycat Dolls acceptance speech moment to offer you a video delight: Seth Green and Clark Duke from Greek and Sex Drive delivering a friendly shout-out to you, the Defamer reader! (We apologize in advance if the audio is lousy. We were fighting noise pollution from the Rock Band stage, hovering helicopters, and whatever was coming out of a nearby Joe Francis's mouth at the time.)

6:41 Russell Brand just delivered a breathless monologue as if he was late for a flight to a country that knows who he is. Lindsay Lohan just announced she's the new lead singer for AC/DC? We think? Yeah we definitely have a touch of sunstroke.

6:40 Lil' Wayne has the room on its feet. He's even lil'er in person!

6:37 Michael Phelps just got a standing ovation, then crapped the pool with a mumbled introduction. We'll assume it had something to do with Leona Lewis, as she is now performing. Behold, ladies and gentleman: what Simon Cowell would look like if he could come back to earth as a woman.

6:30 We thought Katy Perry was doing a fairly straightforward version of "Like A Virgin" by the TravAm BarkDJis pit, until she fooled us all and replaced the word "virgin" with "Jonas." Because they're all virgins, you see. We can't wait to see what she does with her cover of the Divinyls "I Touch Miley Self!" (Groan.) Oh well, we got "I Kissed A Girl" instead. This is jam of the summer! High five!

6:28 So THAT'S what those mobs of tweens were doing in the lot. Run, Jonas brothers, run! They'll tear you to shreds and consume you alive!

6:26 Apparently the Jonas Brothers are performing live from the set of 227. Jackee just sauntered by and pinched Nick's cheek. Aww...

6:24 Chris Brown gives a short and sweet acceptance speech; he seems genuinely surprised that Mrs. Jefferson didn't win instead.

6:22 Back from commercial and it's a surprise appearance by the world's premiere Cougar Temptress Queen, Demi Moore, growling out the nominees for BEST...uh...SOMETHING INVOLVING MALE R&B SINGERS. Oh, it's BEST MALE.

6:13 So we're finally in our seats, and apparently we've missed Britney Spears's, much-hyped, four-second appearance. BUT WAIT! She just won BEST FEMALE VIDEO, looking sparkly in a short gown custom designed by Giovanni di Sparkly. Forgive our tardiness, it's truly a madhouse on the lot the likes of which we have never seen in our lives. Lines leading seemingly nowhere, security who have no idea what event they're covering, and the random cater waiter carrying a tray of champagne. We think we just got sunstroke on the red carpet (though we met Sumner Redstone!). Back in a moment after we get our bearings.

As he sits on the couch next to guest Eva Longoria Parker, a misheard reference to PETA sends the comedian on a tangent that splashes the audience with sexual offers they've likely never contemplated before bedtime. Bold talk when delivered to a Desperate Housewife, Russell, but we're reserving your comedy credibility until you introduce Miley Cyrus to the concept of a Dutch Oven during this weekend's VMAs.

• The Tonight Show

DEFAMER: Russell, since American audiences are still becoming familiar with you, we wanted to see how familiar you are with the tastes of the American audience.
RUSSELL: Right.
DEFAMER: So we're going to give you the Defamer American Pop Culture Literacy Test. I'm just going to throw out famous names and you tell me whether you know them and what your take is on each.
RUSSELL: OK!

DEFAMER: We'll start out easy before we get a little more obscure. Here's a gimme: Lindsay Lohan.
RUSSELL: Lindsay Lohan is an actress. I believe she was in a Herbie film? She's become notorious for her off-stage and -screen exploits and her tabloid lifestyle. I believe she has been connected to drugs, sauciness, and sexiness in equal measure, though she seems like a nice girl to me.
DEFAMER: She does love the Brits. She had a British boyfriend, and now she's got a British girlfriend.
RUSSELL: Her girlfriend is British?!
DEFAMER: Yeah, Samantha Ronson.
RUSSELL: That's fantastic! I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Lindsay Lohan for her promotion of English sex.
DEFAMER: Here's another easy one: Amy Winehouse.
RUSSELL: Amy has been on several of my television shows in the United Kingdom. She's a very talented and beautiful girl and in my house, to this day, I have a Mexican doll that for a while lived in her hair.
DEFAMER: [laughs]
RUSSELL: You know those Mexican worry dolls? Or maybe they're Colombian. You sort of tell it your worries. She took it out of her hair once, gave it to me, and I treasure that little worry doll.
DEFAMER: Who wouldn't? OK, we're going to get a little harder. Zac Efron.
RUSSELL: Zac Efron is from High School Musical. Now whilst I've not seen this, because I don't think I belong to its target demographic, I recognize that it's a significant thing. It's sort of like this generation's Grease.
DEFAMER: Lil' Wayne.
RUSSELL: Lil' Wayne is a hip-hop artist and rapper, dreadlocked, with teardrops tattooed on his face. He is also known as "Weezy," and this is not because he is asthmatic. He seems to me to be a terrific poet.
DEFAMER: Somebody's been studying his Wikipedia!
RUSSELL: Good, wasn't it?
DEFAMER: Yeah, not bad!
RUSSELL: I haven't done any Wikipedia studies. I just happen to have an interest in Lil' Wayne, because I think he ignores a lot of copyright stuff to sort of rap over it. I think he's a pioneer.
DEFAMER: Miley Cyrus.
RUSSELL: Miley Cyrus is the teenager daughter of "Achy Breaky Heart" singer Billy Ray Cyrus. She is confusingly attractive, and to people under the age of eighteen, she is probably the biggest star in the world. She is the Madonna of tweenies.
DEFAMER: Speaking of tweenies: The Jonas Brothers.
RUSSELL: The Jonas Brothers is a band. They're all actual brothers and they all came out of the same womb, where many have said they studiously rehearsed their instruments. How the Jonas Mother was able to keep an amp in her uterus is one of the greatest mysteries, because them boys were born already possessing an incredible talent.
DEFAMER: How about your familiarity with MTV shows? Do you know of The Hills?
RUSSELL: I believe it's about some girls that go around and get off with people and wear nice dresses. They have the general air of louche attractiveness and easy availability.
DEFAMER: Pretty accurate. Let's move on to some of the news stories that Americans are talking about. Right now, we're all wondering what was up with this Christian Bale assault case, and maybe you can explain it to me. Apparently in the UK, you can go to jail for verbal assault? What's up with that?
RUSSELL: In England, we have such good manners that if someone says something impolite, the police will get involved. Christian Bale, I believe whilst in a restaurant, rolled his eyes at the lighting. That is an offense punishable by five years in prison in the United Kingdom. I admire Christian Bale and I think he's one of the greatest living actors on the planet currently, but we cannot shirk when it comes to good manners. If it's true that he also dropped a napkin on his way to the lavatory, then I think that he should possibly receive the death penalty.
DEFAMER: How about the U.S. presidential election? Do you follow it at all?
RUSSELL: I think that the idea of democracy is an illusion and regardless of who becomes president, the status quo will maintain power. It's irrelevant who you select as the totem of power in the country, because the country will be run in the same way — but I would rather have a black president than a white one. I would have ideally liked a hermaphrodite president, if it was up to me entirely, but until a hermaphrodite stands, I'll support Obama.
DEFAMER: Maybe we'll get there someday.
RUSSELL: Well, one can only hope that the rights of hermaphrodites will be recognized! Yeah, a hermaphrodite president — I just haven't found a hermaphrodite whose policies I agree with, even though I do like the idea of having mutual, opposed genitals.
DEFAMER: Lastly, I want to know your thoughts on the most important issue of our time...
RUSSELL: Yes.
DEFAMER: ...Brad and Angelina just had the twins.
RUSSELL: Thank God. The thing is that they're both so stupidly beautiful and good-looking and attractive that their children are born looking gorgeous! It's unsettling. That first one they had, she had sort of a Marilyn Monroe mouth. I don't think they should breed, those two people. I think their adoption policy is probably better because when their genes come together, it creates a storm of attractiveness so potent that it could one day bring down the planet.
DEFAMER: And no one needs all that on a baby.
RUSSELL: No one needs that on a baby! No one needs a baby with eight-inch-long eyelashes.
DEFAMER: All right, Russell. Congratulations on passing your quiz!
RUSSELL: Pretty good, wasn't it? Didn't I do well?

[Photo Credits: MTV/Mark Mainz, X17, Splash]