We are some fucked up people, yo.

I mean, believe me, I totally see the appeal in the universe breaking LA off the coast and hiding it 4,000 feet under the sea, like the afikomen of God that will never be cashed in and found, because—sorry, LA—it's LA. Though apparently some people got teary during the part when the Kogi Truck gets swallowed up by an acid-spewing mutant volcano, so I guess it's a complicated emotion. But why are we so desperate to see what the end looks like? Because we're sadists? Masochists? Because we'd like to imagine a world in which only we exist and everything else just doesn't? [Related: Welcome to Lower Manhattan.] Because we want it all to just be totally fucked and end, and we want a hand in it, like that kid who spends five hours building a beautiful sand castle only to "Godzilla" it out of existence for six seconds?

Or because it looks sick? Which apparently, it did. To the tune of $225M.

The 162-minute disaster epic...blew away the competition and took in $65 million in North America in its opening weekend and $160 million worldwide. All totaled, the Roland Emmerich movie, which cost $200 million to make (and tens of millions more to market) grossed $225 million.

That's gotta be it. When the world ends, it's not like we're going to be able to watch it being so awesome. Also, we're all gonna die and it's gonna be crazy but, like, will it really look that cool? Hell to the no, BobbyBrown! It'll probably look like The Road or something. Gray and stupid and dusty and boring. But that's life, you know? Less Roland Emmerich, more Cormac McCarthy. Besides, only in Fakeland can anybody give a shit about Amanda Peet living through the end of the world. OH COME ON.

And then there's this Precious movie. The critics HATED it. Like this one:

Not since The Birth of a Nation has a mainstream movie demeaned the idea of black American life as much as Precious. Full of brazenly racist clichés (Precious steals and eats an entire bucket of fried chicken), it is a sociological horror show.

Ha, oh, just joking, that's batshit Armond White from the New York Press. This guy eats the innocence of children for breakfast and snacks on Labrador puppies for lunch. Also, he hated Up. But! Precious, which is a "the world sucks" movie of a different stripe, did well, too. Look:

The indie movie "Precious," which Lionsgate bought at Sundance, took in about $6.1 million in just 174 theaters in nine cities. That's an impressive $35,000 per-screen average.

Now, granted: 2012 was on about 40 bazillion more screens, but seriously, compared to the other top per-theater take ($19,095 for 2012), it's a pretty incredible number, and a 200% increase from last week's Precious take. That 200% number is not a joke.

Lesson, learned. It goes something like this: when I make my autobiographical epic, I Hope They Smoke Adderall In Hogwarts, I'm going to make sure to append the words "Tyler Perry and Oprah Winfrey Present." If only real-Hollywood were so smart. Dumbasses. Imagine if they did that to 2012. They would've made enough money to destroy the world for reals. Until then, we have LA's fake-comeuppance to go see again and again and again. Basically, yes:

[Photo of The Great Alderaan Explosion of '77: "Complicated Feelings," Mixed Media, provided by the artist.]

· Your pilot-order round-up: Fox is close to ordering schizophrenic-heart-surgeon drama Maggie Hill and DC comic adaptation Human Target, and CBS ordered sitcom Tick Tock, about "a single mom in her 30s who decides to focus all of her energy on finding love." The title doesn't refer to her biological clock, but rather the homemade explosive device she's strapped to her abdomen and threatens to detonate if none of the men in a local food court offer to take her out on a date. [THR]
· Columbia won a bidding war for the rights to Isaac Asimov's Foundation trilogy, with 2012 director Roland Emmerich on board to develop the science fiction classic into a gripping movie about exploding planets and the modelly-looking cavepeople who must escape them to survive. [Variety]
· No surprises: In addition to yesterday's news that Heroes looked safe, and Lipstick Jungle wasn't necessarily sleeping with the fishes, NBC announced 30 Rock, The Office, and The Biggest Loser are all secure for another season at least. Yay! That means a Biggest Loser: Owners and Pets Edition is still a possibility. [THR]
· Andrew Lloyd Webber is in talks to adapt his catalog of musicals into videogames, adding dimensions of excitement and interactivity to titles like Aspects of Love for the Xbox 360. [Variety]

“There are some things that happen in Los Angeles, crazy stuff,” Amanda Peet told MTV News of her favorite scenes from 2012.

“[My character and John Cusack’s character] see it from a plane. We get off the ground and we escape in an airplane and some of the stuff that [Roland] shows us is incredible and really frightening.”

Really? Like what?? Unfortunately, everything beyond that is kept extremely vague—forcing our imaginations to run wild as we picture the short-circuiting of a Stoli Blueberry-dispensing volcano at a local twinks-only gay pride event. Only Milk screenwriter Dustin Lance Black (Cusack) and his agent (Peet) survive by piloting Bryan Singer's private WeHo-to-Mulholland air shuttle to higher ground, as the jets of molten, flavor-infused cocktail beneath them incinerate everything in their path.

• Amanda Peet Warns Los Angeles Better Be Ready For ‘2012’ [MTV Movies Blog]

1. Emmerich's campy, well-fortified London townhouse? Saved.

2. Tibet? Gone.

3. Killer-tidal wave CGI technology has not advanced especially far in the five years since Day After Tomorrow.

4. Emmerich is returning to the political satire at which he acquitted himself so expertly before stumbling over historical comedy with 10,000 B.C.

5. If you look really, really close, we think you can spot Cusack boogieboarding into the doomed monastery.

BONUS: If you're especially determined to get something out of this, amuse yourself and your coworkers by reading the intertitles in your best Don LaFontaine voice. It's fun!

• '2012' [Moviefone]

We have other questions as well — including an open Defamer inquiry into the identity of an unusually sexy bedside photo subject. Help us figure it out after the jump.

Upon closer inspection, and in keeping with the home's general theme of despot-chic, we are all but certain that the mystery man pictured in Emmerich's guest room is none other than Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. But we've never seen him looking so... hot. We're open to other suggestions (one immediate suggestion around HQ was Bronson Pinchot, which, frankly, we'd prefer) and decor commentary as well. We don't even know if 2012 could squander the Emmerich goodwill we're feeling right now.

[Photos: NYT]

• A London Home to Shock the Neighbors [NYT]

John Cusack is in negotiations to star in director Roland Emmerich's (10,000 B.C., The Day After Tomorrow) new disaster movie 2012 for Sony Pictures. The title refers to the year the world is supposed to end after a global cataclysm. Cusack is negotiating to play Jackson Curtis, a divorced dad who alternates between writing and driving a limo. ...

Sony acquired the project in a high-stakes bidding war and is aiming for a summer 2009 release. The price tag for the special-effects laden movie could reach $200 million.

The Hollywood Reporter has stepped in over the last hour to specify a July 10, 2009, release date and to talk down the budget below $200 million — a staggering number under any circumstances, but most certainly for a film featuring John Cusack as a divorced limo driver. By the director of 10,000 BC. Alas, we'll miss this one anyway because this is the part of the post where we shoot ourselves.

[Photo Credit: Wireimage]

• John Cusack in talks for Roland Emmerich's '2012' [EW]

• John Cusack ponders disaster flick [THR]

· '10000' reasons to avoid film [Baltimore Sun]
· '10,000 B.C.': Mammoth disappointment [Toronto Sun]
· Stone Age story doesn't rock [Columbus Dispatch]
· Even a caveman would be insulted [Minn Star Tribune]

· The mind-numbing '10,000 BC' is just one big prehistoric bore [CP]
· '10,000 B.C.' primitive in all the wrong ways [Times-Picayune]
· Don't go back to '10,000 B.C' [SF Examiner]
· Wooly Bully: '10,000 B.C.' is not a film for the ages [Detroit News]
· '10,000 B.C.' Is Artistically Extinct [ohmynews.com]