Last April, Bret said that his hair is "combined of my [natural] hair and the finest extensions Europe has to offer. I do the show without [the bandanna] on all the time and they won't film me. They are like, 'Put your bandanna back on. It is your image.' It is my signature thing."

We did some investigating, and that shit doesn't look like extensions, but a straight-up wig — one that seems to be getting fuller, longer, and waxier as time goes by. Let's take a look at two decades worth of Bret's hair.

We know what he used to look like back in the day, when all he needed was some hairspray and a pick to get such volume.









But there has been a clear evolution in wig thickness just over the course of the three seasons of Rock of Love.
Season 1



Season 2



Season 3



It's now flowing.






This is probably the closest thing to his real hair, circa 2001.



And circa 2004.



These extensions from 2005 are very realistic.



But he quickly moved onto this look.



Which somehow turned into Fergie-with-a-goatee.



He has attempted to go sans bandanna a few times over the years, but the results are decidedly unfavorable.












This is our guess at what the true texture and thickness of his natural hair would be.

In the series, Osbourne aims to reform the Rock of Love rejects whose attitudes, drawn-on eyebrows and hastily purchased breast implants could use a little mentoring. However, Osbourne's somewhat less-than-polite expulsion of Hauserman in episode four ("Yeah, you changed your clothes today, but Megan, in here you're still a bitch... a real fucking bitch") engendered hard feelings between the two that lasted until the reunion show, where a simple, drunken anecdote about Hauserman's spayed Chihuahua led to a massive battle royale. Still, even though Osbourne appeared to instigate and escalate the fight, audience sentiment stayed on her side; we're only sorry that VH1 cut away before the other, Hauserman-hating Charm School contestants could climb atop their desks in wobbly six-inch heels, crying, "O Captain! My Captain!"

• Rock of Love Charm School Reunion: Act 3 [MTV]

20.) Bobby Brown Farts On Carnie Wilson, Pees On Dee Snider
Bobby Brown took a half-hearted stab at earning a pay check and having a country music career via the reality show Gone Country, in which he lived with other out-of-work celebs down South and competed for a record contract. In this clip, he gets drunk, eats ribs, farts and pees.

19.) Teen Bathes, Then Bonds With Senior Citizen
Baby Borrowers was a social experiment in the form of a reality show that was supposed to teach teenagers how hard it is to raise a family and run a household. For some reason, one of the episodes called for the teens to care for senior citizens, maybe to scare them off of the burden of dealing with elderly parents later on down the road. In this clip, a teen has to bathe her senior ward, and then they have a touching conversation about the generational differences of filing nails square or rounded.

18.) Meet The Two Most Effective Forms Of Birth Control
Some episodes of Supernanny are scarier than horror movies. In this clip, two little terrors defiantly pick their noses and wipe the boogers on a wall, physically abuse their mother and say terrifying things like, "I have a dick and a weenie in my weenie," and "I'm gonna fuck you in your privates one day!"

17.) Vagina Insults Are The New "Ya Momma"
MTV's That's Amore — the spin-off of Shot at Love with Tila Tequila — featured women who incessantly talked about other women's vaginas.

16.) American Idol Contestant Who Looks Like Willem Dafoe With Face Glitter
Alexis Cohen was one of those "bad" auditions featured during the open-call leg of American Idol. They're always easy targets, but her working knowledge of the English language and her literal glittery attempt at polishing a turd made her the best of the worst.

15.) Stage Mom Has Violent, Psychotic Outburst
Rocky, stage mother to Haley, from VH1's I Know My Kid's a star first won our hearts when she asked her daughter if her tampon string was visibly hanging below her miniskirt. This freak out sealed the deal.

14.) Woman With A Half Wig Cries About It
Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta attracted attention and confusion over her hair — an obvious wig that did not match the color of the natural bangs in the front. Her attempt at clearing the matter up (she had cancer!) only confused everyone more (wait, she only thought she had cancer!).

13.) Pussylicious
The reality show in which women compete for a spot (that's actually never given to them) in the the Pussycat Dolls lineup was called Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious, which obviously needed to be shortened to "pussylicious." Especially after one girl's introduction included her saying, "I'm Cassandra. I'm from Aurora, Illinois, I live in Chicago now, and I have a tattoo of cherries on my hoo-ha." Later, another girl gets injured and is forced to dance in her wheelchair.

12.) Women Past Their Prime Audition For Modeling Competition
She's Got the Look was supposed to be America's Next Top Model for the over-35 set. In this clip its obvious that there were reasons beyond their age that have kept these women from working the runway.

11.) Corey Haim Doesn't Understand Why Everyone He Knows Wants Him To Go To Rehab
It's always ridiculous/sad when addicts who can't fully open their eyes or articulate words think that they are fooling everyone. It's double ridiculous when it's someone like Corey Haim who has had a long public history of drug addiction.

10.) Is This Lady's Husband Gay?
Alex and her husband Simon were the breakout stars of Real Housewives of New York. They were attached at the hip, obsessed with teaching their uncooperative children French, and dropped $20k on opera tickets even though their Brooklyn brownstone was literally falling apart. But the question on everyone's mind was whether or not Speedo-wearing Simon is gay or just simply European.

9.) Women Get Wasted, Puke, Break Dishes, & Hock Loogies
This scene from Charm School: Rock of Love was the most entertaining display of drunken behavior since Bret took the girls to Vegas on season one.

8.) Stripper Mom And Porn Star Have Threesome With Dude, While Another Girl Mistakes Couch For Toilet
Scratch that! This is the was the most entertaining display of drunken behavior, brought to us by those classy roommates of Bad Girls Club.

7.) Flavor Flav Draws The Line At Herpes
As though he doesn't have the virus himself.

6.) The Matchmaker & The Mafia
Intervention is supposed to be a poignant, serious show about addiction, however, some of the characters — like this Italian woman who comes from a family who is part of "The Family" — make us smile.

5.) Denise Richards Calls A Celebrity Journalist A Cunt
As much as Denise Richards: It's Complicated sucked, it was fun to see the real reason behind why the tabloids are so hard on her.

4.) Brooke Hogan Is A Sexist Moron
The irony of her show being titled Brooke Knows Best escaped no one. In this clip, she reveals that her thoughts on politics, and how women's menstrual cycles makes them unfit to serve as President.

3.) America's Next Top Model Is A Menstrual Show
Per Tyra Banks' advice, women should bend over and wince in pain, as though they have menstrual cramps, in order to look "editorial."

2.) Terrifying Texas Mom Shows "Pansy" Husband Who's Boss
Wife Swap is a reliable source when looking to investigate the weirdos of America.

1.) Bikini Corie
The best elimination speech in competition-based reality TV programming ever, courtesy of Paris Hilton's My New BFF.

A New York producer named Sean Pomper issued a press release today announcing the film, a meta-slasher romp starring castoffs from Survivor, Rock of Love, The Mole, The Biggest Loser, I Want to Work for Diddy, even the Howard Stern offering Wack Pack at the Christys' Farm (!!!) — a veritable dollar-store ensemble of talent that will gather on Long Island to "ponder the question... 'Would you kill for $1,000,000?'":

[The cast is] invited to participate in a new TV Show where the prize is $1,000,000. Before the first contestant is voted off, a "freakish accident" happens, and they meet their demise. When the second and third guest "bite the dust" our contestants discover that they are not only playing for $1,000,000 but playing for their lives. [...]

"The Reality Stars are led to believe that they are competing for a prize of one million dollars, and before they realize a scam took place, the game costs them their lives," [Pomper said.] "This is a first-time acting opportunity for many of America's Top Reality Stars."

Pomper adds that shooting begins next week, with more reality-based features to come after Reality Horror Show finds its niche in the 900-section of your cable provider's channel guide. But even that exposure would be some kind of extraordinary cultural milestone we might not mind in the end. As opposed to, say, like, Zoolander 2. Godspeed, Sean Pomper!

• 'Reality Horror Night' [via PR Web]

According to VH1's clever press release, adorned with just as many giddy enthusiastic announcements punctuated by everyone's favorite online stupidity signifier (the! exclamation!! point!!!), the new Rock Of Love: Bus With Bret Michaels edition is far more exciting than its predecessors because the contestants will face challenges dealing with "the ultimate rock and rollers' test: life on the road!" So, instead of being forced to wear laughably too-tight football uniforms or perform public lap dances in tacky lingerie boutiques for the world's sexiest man to ever wear that much collagen on his face without shame, the troubled young things will get to prove their groupie gusto by, well, playing groupies. "Dodging the warm-up band's advances," "greeting aggressive" fans "with a smile," and, shit — we spoke too soon. In the finest example of what our great nation does best, the busty dingbats will still have the joy of participating in Mud Bowl 3. Why? It's "back by popular demand!!!!!!!!!"

• 'ROCK OF LOVE 3': IT'S ON...WITH BRET! [VH1]

boomp3.com

Here's how I imagine the greatest moment in the history of Vh1 will go down: One of those strippers on Rock of Love 2 will "accidentally" knock Bret Michaels' ten gallon hat from his melon just a split-second before a sudden gust from the Santa Ana's blows off his Real World-esque bandana, at which point the camera whip pans to finally reveal what lies beneath his formerly infallible do rag. Namely, a patch work of bald spots, hair plugs and horse hair extensions. Mama's fallen angel, indeed. End scene.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]