The New York Post's gossip column didn't have much to base its conclusion that Ritchie had given the sleuthing tale a homoerotic backstory except for Downey's quote in the News of the World earlier this year that his Holmes and Law's Watson are "two men who happen to be roommates, wrestle a lot and share a bed. It's bad-ass."

That was apparently enough to put conservative radio host and family-friendly movie critic Michael Medved into a full-blown gay panic. "There's not a seething, bubbling hunger to see straight stars impersonating homosexuals. ... Who is going to want to see Downey Jr. and Law make out? I don't think it would be appealing to women. Straight men don't want to see it."

Well, we got a hold of a copy of a script to see just how gay it is, and to Medved's relief (or secret disappointment?) there're no scenes of Holmes and Watson going Brokeback. Our version is dated March 18, 2008, so it may not be the final, final revision. But the only explicit sex mentioned is a half-naked post-coital shot of Downey and Rachel McAdams in bed. That doesn't mean, of course, that Ritchie didn't direct his actors to give the Holmes-Watson dynamic some sexual tension. Here's the script's gayest moment — a scene that comes early in the movie when Watson tells Holmes that he's getting married. I could see how it could be played gay, but be your own judge.

Click images for a larger, more legible version

The appropriation continues! Another old-timey throwbacky kinda thing will be made into a movie, because no one knows what else to do anymore. Remember Castlevania, that sorta-creepy, sorta-silly vampire videogame from long ago? It will be a movie now. Directed by the guy who directed Saw. Sigh. [Variety]

Wow, does Mila Kunis keep defying the odds (whither Wilmer, Laura, Topher, and Danny?) and getting work. She'll next star opposite Natalie Portman in a new Darren Aronofsky movie. Quite a get! The film is Black Swan, a "supernatural drama" about a ballet dancer (Portman) who is haunted by a rival (Kelso's girlfriend). [THR]

Robert Downey Jr. is jumping on another gravy train, this one called the Todd Phillips express. He's signed on to star opposite Zach Galifianakis in Due Date, a buddy road trip comedy. Which Phillips does a lot of! So, capable hands and all that. [Variety]

Moon Bloodgood, who didn't embarrass herself in Terminator Salvation but didn't ennoble herself either, has been cast in the Spielberg-produced TNT pilot that is about aliens invading. The tentative title is Not 'V', Sorry Elizabeth Mitchell. (Not really). [THR]

Speaking of the Kunis-factor! Her new Mike Judge comedy Extract, got a "warm" reception at Comic-Con this year. What this movie has to do with comics is a mystery. Is it that Jason Bateman sorta looks like a cartoon? [Variety]

Out of 15 TV channels, HBO has topped (heh) GLAAD's Network Responsibility Index. NBC and CBS failed. Unsurprisingly. Please make David Caruso gay on CSI. 'Twould be hilarious. [THR]

1. In the nerd equivalent of heaven, James Cameron and Peter Jackson attended their first Comic-Con, and did a panel together where they talk about the future of film-making and Jackson reveals that a script for The Hobbit, his Lord of the Rings prequel, will be finished in a month. [Zap2It]

2. Lost isn't known for parting with information easily, but they did have some good tidbits at their panel. Characters Juliet and Daniel Faraday will be back for the final season. Also in season six: no more time travel, the return of Charlie and Boone, the backstory for the enigmatic Richard Alpert, and some allusions to what may be alternate timelines. Damn, that shit makes our brain hurt. [EOnline]

3. Warner Bros. tried to roll out the new Patricia Heaton comedy The Middle at their Mom-A-Con. No one showed for the counter programming. Everyone said, "Mom, stop embarrasing me!" [THRFeed]

4. Hayden Panettiere is going to get some girl-on-girl action for the new season of Heroes. Yeah, cause that is what is going to fix this show. [io9]

5. Two scenes from the upcoming Twilight sequel, New Moon, were screened. Lots of girls screamed. [CelebrityCafe]

6. Iron Man 2 is going to fucking rule. Fans were excited by footage that shows Samuel L. Jackson's return as Nick Fury, Mickey Rourke playing new villain Whiplash, and a bunch of awesome special effects. Robert Downey Jr, director Jon Favreau, and new additions Scarlett Johannson (who plays sexy spy Black Widow) and Don Cheadle (replacing Terrence Howard) were all in attendance. That's either an A-List Comic-Con panel or a night at The Waverly Inn. [EW]

7. Ok, Iron Man gets two entries because the sequel is laying the foundation for Marvel's much anticipated (among comic geeks) Avengers movie (not the crappy Uma Thurmond one, this one has Captain American and shit). [EOnline]

8. We haven't seen the last of Battlestar Galactica, Edward James Olmos' career to continue. [io9]

9. You're probably not going to see Family Guy's "Abortion Episode," at least on the air, but it will probably be on DVD. What? Fox suddenly has standards? [LAT]

10. Alien invasion drama Vis back and the geeks love it. Is there anything left from the '80s for us to bring back? Alf, maybe? [THRFeed]

An action yarn complete with ham-slamming fisticuffs and wittily bantered-about gun play, a sexy/funny love interest (Rachel McAdams), and a door hoofening sidekick (Jude Law's Watson). While some (including us) may have been hoping for something darker and more ruminative, something in the vein of From Hell (but better), we should have known better based on Ritchie's lock stocking oeuvre. Ah well.

Looks fun, at least. We'll see it at Christmas.

[via Movieline]

Matt Lauer asked the raging Aussie if he shaped his character in State of Play based on his feelings about reporters. Crowe said not really, because if he had it would have been a far meaner caricature: one-eyed, limping spandex-wearers. His real problem is that sometimes reporters ask really dumb questions, but then get upset when they get a dumb answer. And he's right!

Why, just look at this disastrous snippet from an Robert Downey Jr.'s junket for The Soloist (hey Seth!), in which a reporter asked the actor what his character in Tropic Thunder would think about Jamie Foxx's character in The Soloist.

Um, what? Someone throw a hotel phone at that guy.

A colorful, inner-candy-city drama revolving around down-and-out candy hooker Princess Frostine, turned out by Lord Licorice on the chewy streets of Gum Drop Mountain. She's eventually taken in by a disgraced former candy cop named Gloppy the Chocolate Monster, kicked off the force for stealing Pixie Stick powder evidence, and the two embark upon an unlikely love affair. [Variety]
· Casino Royale director Martin Campbell is close to signing with Warners for Green Lantern, outpacing other Warner/DC properties like the stalled Superman and Justice League projects, and even Sony's de-stung emerald hero, The Green Hornet. [Variety]
· Imagine TV is looking for another comedy hit, and is developing one written by Gilmore Girls's Dan Palladino and based on Brian Grazer's father, Tom Grazer. "A lawyer with a slightly questionable moral compass," Grazer Jr. said. "My dad was so much bigger than life. He was a big personality, extremely popular but flawed." Father of Grazerhead? The mind reels. [Variety]
· Chris O'Donnell and LL Cool J are in talks to star in CBS's as-yet-untitled NCIS spinoff. We nominate DoN CAF, or Department of the Navy Central Adjudication Facility, in keeping with the indecipherable military-agency-acronym theme. [THR]
· Robert Downey Jr., Tina Fey and Ben Stiller are negotiating to voice DreamWorks Animation's Master Mind, about a villain who accidentally kills his superhero nemesis, sending him into an existential crisis. [THR]

Speaking as part of Newsweek's Oscar roundtable, which also included Anne Hathaway, Frank Langella, Brad Pitt, and Sally Hawkins (whoops), Downey Jr. told the story of his wild trip to Japan, which was almost derailed when airport officials realized the actor had been arrested numerous times. Though they ultimately let him in, the actor was punished with a crippling, Kobe-related "yoo-hoo status" (Langella is as confused as you are by that one) as well as an insensitive request to pound open a gigantic barrel of alcohol for an excited Japanese crowd. "There's some wacky humor going on over there," Pitt observes, sagely. Indeed—we can't wait until Downey Jr's Japanese tour for Tropic Thunder, when he'll be asked to climb a gigantic wall made of chocolate syrup, ladies' underwear, and bees (all while made up in blackface).

• 'I've Been Arrested So Many Times' [Newsweek]

Warner Bros. has finally released some non-paparazzi photos from Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes, and they showcase Downey Jr.'s physique (in an exploration of Holmes's boxing roots) as well as Jude Law as his Watson. Still unseen: Ritchie's provocative new "fiery penis" storyline. Guy, we've got a stunt double who's ready to audition...

• New Photos: Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes [MTV]

• First Look: Clooney In Goats [thebadandugly.com]

When asked if he had anything to do with the Howard/Cheadle switch, Downey immediately responded, “I had nothing to do with that decision. I love Terrence very very much. That’s all I’ll say because I haven’t talked to him yet.”

Furthermore, the Iron Man star makes it clear that he will not play favorites between the two equally talented actors, so if you’re looking for a juicy “good riddance” quote from Downey [...] you won’t find it here.

“I’ve always admired Don [Cheadle],” said Downey. “It’s one of those situations where I still don’t quite know what happened or why. Here’s what happens too: things happen and you wind up commenting on them before you’ve actually talked to the people and it’s in poor taste.”

Of course we're nothing if not helpful, so here's Howard's account, and here's Marvel's (we think). Please file your response in the comments below; we have a rally to get to!

• EXCLUSIVE: Robert Downey Jr. On Terrence Howard/Don Cheadle ‘Iron Man 2’ Swap [MTV]

Those with intimate knowledge of the situation suggest a far more dramatic backstory: Howard was the first actor signed to the film and, on top of that, was the highest-paid. That's right: more than Gwyneth Paltrow. More than Jeff Bridges. More than Robert Downey Jr. And once the project fully came together, it was too late to renegotiate his deal. It didn't help that, according to one source, Favreau and his producers were ultimately unhappy with Howard's performance, and spent a lot of time cutting and reshooting his scenes.

...As such, when Favreau and screenwriter Justin Theroux went to map out the sequel they found themselves minimizing Howard's story line. Once Marvel learned that Favreau was thinking of curtailing the role, the studio went to the actor's agents with a new and drastically reduced offer — a number that's similar to what supporting cast members were paid for the first movie. The agents, according to sources, were so taken aback by this new figure — estimated at somewhere between a 50 and 80 percent pay cut — that they questioned it.

Yes, it's hard to believe Howard wouldn't take Marvel up on their awkward offer. "Hey, uh, Terrence! So, we're going to start the sequel with you already in the War Machine suit. And, uh, you never come out of it. Plus, no musical number. So, how about $500 grand and a few net points?"

• 'Iron Man 2': How Terrence Howard Lost His Metal [EW]

A source said: "Robert leaped from his armchair and jumped up and down, slapping his crotch and howling, 'Oh God, I'm on fire!' Robert had placed the pipe on a plate on the arm of the chair, but it overbalanced and plopped into his lap, scattering lit tobacco all over his pants."

Luckily, Robert's co-star Jude Law - who plays Holmes' sidekick Dr. Watson in the movie - was on hand to extinguish the flames and save the star from singeing his privates.

The source added: "While Robert was screaming and swatting his pants, quick-thinking Jude saved the day by flinging water from a flower vase at Robert's naughty area."

Ritchie would have acted sooner had he not been attending at that moment to yet another ominous text message from his divorcing wife. Once Downey's desperate screams of, "MY DICK! SOMEONE PUT OUT MY DICK!" had died down, however, the director comforted his star by explaining that he went through a similar trauma daily: Should he have ever climbed into bed without having made peace with Madonna over that day's squabbles, she would slowly pat the propane device on her nightstand, reminding him, "Blowtorch, Guy. Blowtorch."

• Robert Downey Jr's fire crotch [BANG via Monsters and Critics]

Boomp3.com

On the London set of Sherlock Holmes, free spirit Robert Downey Jr. did his best to cheer his director Guy Ritchie up. Partnering up with the effects and stunt departments, Downey crafted a rig that allowed him to fly around the set. A rather glum Ritchie perked up at the sight of Downey soaring majestically, as Downey shouted down, “Relax, Guy. I’m going to fly in this movie, too. People love it when I’m flyin’.”

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Sherlock Holmes star Robert Downey Jr and an extremely animated Jude Law took the swingin’ streets of London to help their boss, Guy Ritchie, wash that woman out of his hair with a night on the town. Downey Jr. said, “It’s not going to be a bender. It'll never be a bender, but we're going to have the most fun humanly possible before our 6 a.m. call time. Watch out, world, reformed Kabbalist on the loose!"

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Sort of. After all, can DreamWorks or CAA ever really find consolation in a Tropic Thunder campaign pushing Downey as Best Supporting Actor? They'd better — neither Downey nor Foxx had a shot at Best Actor anyway with Sean Penn (Milk), Josh Brolin (W.), Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler) and Brad Pitt widely foreseen to hold down four of the five slots, and the latter star's Curious Case of Benjamin Button (not to mention, to a lesser degree, Downey's Iron Man performance) already drawing from Paramount's awards war chest.

DreamWorks insiders are still griping over some perceived revenge from Paramount, but even they'd acknowledge that The Soloist is better off with spring prestige all to itself. And that a nominated blackface performance is no doubt one of the least controversial ways to revive public interest in the Oscars. We're pulling for you, RDJ.

• 'Soloist' won't play holiday [Variety]

• 2008 Oscar race turned 'upside-down' [THR]

So who's in and who's out?

· The Soloist: OUT. The move to March 13 stings for everyone, especially with millions in marketing dollars already being spent ahead of the Jamie Foxx/Robert Downey Jr. drama's Nov. 21 release. Both men were on the bubble for actor nominations — Foxx as a schizophrenic cellist and RDJ as the journalist who chronicles his feel-good recovery journey — but Paramount's new conservatism (i.e. an intern hiding Brad Grey's checkbook) means it only has so many in-house resources to lend to its fall releases. The studio's semi-official insistence that the shifts have nothing to do with the film's quality or favoring its homegrown Benjamin Button and Scott Rudin/DreamWorks offering Revolutionary Road, but that's bullshit. It's not 2006 anymore; nobody can afford all this prestige at once.

· Defiance: IN. Barely. Paramount inherited the WWII-era Daniel Craig drama from its lopped-off Vantage arm; but unlike The Soloist, the studio didn't have it on its Oscar-season books until earlier this year. Pushed back from Dec. 12, it'll still get a qualifying run in New York and L.A. before opening wide on Jan. 16 — sort of an afterthought treatment that won't likely sit well with director/producer and biennial Oscar bridesmaid Ed Zwick, but hey: There's always the ShowEast Kodak Award. Congrats again, Ed!

And while we're at it, let's not forget the neglected Weinstein and MGM family:

· The Road: OUT. As noted yesterday, the Weinsteins took it back from MGM only to nudge it from Nov. 14 to an undisclosed release date in December. It's not finished, and the Weinsteins can't promote it; we foresee this one left wailing on someone's doorstep in a basket some time in mid-2009.

· The Reader: IN. It's apparently back on the Weinstein Web site, and Bob Weinstein thinks it's "terrific"! And now without Defiance to contend with, Harvey's Folly may actually have a shot at an audience on Dec. 12. Oscars, though? We're not so sure.

· Valkyrie: IN. Even the MGM Tower receptionist is pulling her weight on the campaign these days. If gold had a smell, Valkyrie would reek.

It's a look that—stop us if we're way off here—is virtually indistinguishable from the one he wore in Chaplin. Like, right down to the bunched up vest and baggy tweed trousers? Hopefully Downey's considerable gifts will help us shake the looming expectation that at any given moment, the detective might sit down to a hearty meal of a leather boot before heading into the London fog to solve The Problem of the One-Legged Beefeater.

[Photo credit: Bauer Griffin]

• Previously: Robert Downey Jr. Vs. Sacha Baron Cohen: A Tale Of Two Holmes [Defamer]

Boomp3.com

At a press conference announcing the start of physical production on Sherlock Holmes, Robert Downey Jr. tried his best to get his co-star Rachel McAdams to crack a smile. Downey asked McAdams about the itsy bitsy spider’s journey down the waterspout and how the rain lightly came down on her arm, but still no smile. Not even a smirk. Then Downey Jr. started to softly sing a Beyonce song, but the Mean Girls star remained tight-lipped. As Downey began to search the deep recesses of his mind, he pulled out a fairly recent chestnut. Downey cleared his throat as his face twitched slightly then tilted his head to the side and asked, “Are you going to full retard with your performance? Or half retard?” McAdams’ smile appeared like a rainbow after heavy rainfall and Downey breathed a major sigh of relief.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

America has spent much of the summer of 2008 falling in love all over again with Robert Downey Jr. It wasn't only his acting prowess, mind you, but also his fantastic facial hair. However, the changing of the seasons means that it's time for him to shave off his beloved goofy mustache. The Iron Man debuted his (mostly) clean shaven look at the UK premiere for Tropic Thunder. Downey Jr. said, “I think the mustache had ran its course. It tickled my wife when we kissed. It was an excellent flavor saver. For a while, it smelled like a Robeks and I loved it. Now, I have to go to work and become an adult all over again.”

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

The 'stache-tastic Robert Downey Jr — along with Japan's very own Iron Man, Hal —went off on a few barrels before the premiere of Iron Man. According to Downey Jr, the barrels were asking for it and got what they deserved. Downey said, "Those barrels were mouthing off. Saying some nasty things about my performance in The Shaggy Dog and now they're going to pay." After having such a blast demolishing the barrels, Downey and Hal agreed to team up on a live action version of Donkey Kong, possibly to be helmed by Wong Kar-Wai.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

[Photo credit: Getty Images]

• Previously: Actor's Mustache Hijacks Candid 'GMA' Discussion of Race and Entertainment [Defamer]

DEFAMER: Tropic Thunder was based on an idea by Ben Stiller who then started working on the script with Justin Theroux. Why did they bring you along? ETAN COHEN: In about 2002, Ben Stiller, who's about the busiest guy on the planet, was looking for someone who could do some of the unsexy heavy lifting of fleshing out the script. I think he read an early draft of Idiocracy [which Etan co-wrote with Mike Judge] and thought maybe I was someone he could trust to take it the rest of the way.

DEFAMER: What was it like meeting Ben for the first time?
ETAN: You know, every time I met with Ben he was incredibly intimidating because he was in costume for whatever movie he was working on. I think the first time I was wearing the usual writer's costume and he and was dressed in a full tux like James Bond because he was shooting Along Came Polly.

DEFAMER: What was the writing process like? Did Ben just give you the story and the ideas and say, "go to town?"
ETAN: Ben and Justin gave me a lot of material that I incorporated into a screenplay. Basically, I laid it out into script form and gave it to Ben in stages. When it got to a certain finalized point, I started working more closely with Justin. And then everyone started sending it back and forth. Ben too. But it was rare for all three of us to be in the same place at the same time.

DEFAMER: Any fights about keeping stuff in the script?
ETAN: No fights. You just do what Ben says. I think he knows what he's doing.

DEFAMER: There are lots of huge actors in this movie. As a director, how did Ben Stiller control all those raging egos?
ETAN: Basically, people had tremendous respect for Ben. He was able to command the set. Also he works out like crazy. He got ripped for this part because he was playing an action star and he was super buff. He even had dumbbells on the set. So knowing someone can kick your ass is probably more intimidating than just thinking they're really smart.

DEFAMER: Let's talk about the whole Robert Downey Jr.-in-blackface thing. How sensitive were you to the fact that some people could have been offended?
ETAN: As a writer sometimes you're able to be detached from the reality of what you're writing. I think it was maybe just a funny joke in my mind and I wasn't aware of how crazy it was. It didn't really hit me until I visited the set and I saw Robert taking a break while his stand-in, who was a real African American actor, stayed on camera. Then I realized it was truly insane.

DEFAMER: But do you worry about offending people in your work? I mean, they already took down that Simple Jack site and now the National Down Syndrome Congress is calling for a boycott of the movie.
ETAN: I do worry about it, but I hope that people realize our heart is really in the right place. The statement we're trying to make is not to make fun of those people, but to make fun of the way Hollywood views those people. I would feel terrible if people thought we were making a racist joke or a joke at the expense of handicapped people when what we're really trying to do is say, "Hollywood please stop fetishizing handicapped people."

DEFAMER: Alright, let's change gears here. Tom Cruise plays an evil studio exec in Tropic Thunder. What's it like meeting that dude?
ETAN: It's astounding. He just seems like the healthiest, happiest, most energetic guy you've ever met. He's radiant. He comes to the table and you think he's the biggest superstar, he's certainly earned the right to half-ass it, and he just brings it in the most wonderful and shameless way.

DEFAMER: Please put the rumors to rest. Did Tom base that performance on anyone in particular?
ETAN: I've heard all kinds of theories about that. But in the script it was really just a conglomerate of classic studio bosses going back to Jack Warner.

DEFAMER: I don't want to give anything away, but Tom Cruise dances in this movie. Now do you just write in the script "he dances," and Tom takes it from there?
ETAN: Actually the dancing was his idea! It was something he wanted to do, and to me, it's one of the best parts of the movie. People will see it and remember how great he is. It's a transcendent moment. I wanted that scene to go on for half an hour.

DEFAMER: I have to ask. Any Scientology crap when you met him?
ETAN: You know, I'm a religious person, so when I read that stuff I truly do sympathize with him because anyone's religion can be made to seem crazy by people who don't believe in it. I just have the benefit of my crazy things having happened thousands of years ago.

DEFAMER: Ok, let's talk about your career. What's your work ethic like? Do you write every day? To be douchey about it, what's your process?
ETAN: I have three kids at home so I don't sleep much past five. I try to treat writing like I would any job. You got to put in the hours. You hope if you work enough, some of the hours will coincide with when you're feeling inspired.

DEFAMER: What's next for you?
ETAN: Well, I'm writing the new Sherlock Holmes movie for Sacha Baron Cohen and Will Ferrell. And I also have Madagascar 2 coming out. That's something my kids can watch.

DEFAMER: Robert Downey Jr. is in a competing Sherlock movie. Are you concerned about that?
ETAN: I've let him know that LA is a dangerous place. All kinds of things happen. People disappear. I heard he's a martial artist and he should know that I take karate with my daughters, so don't fuck with me.

DEFAMER: But seriously...
ETAN: I think that it's odd, but I also don't think they're really competing projects. Ours is a big comedy and his is a serious action movie. I think there's an appetite for both. That said, at the junket, he was like, "Oh you've got the other Sherlock Holmes movie." And I said, "No you've got the other Sherlock Holmes movie."

DEFAMER: You're a big comedy writer in Hollywood now. You have some heat on you. What does that feel like?
ETAN: It feels pretty awesome. I've heard other people say this, and now I think I understand. People start to say yes more and that's scary feeling because they're gonna let you do what you want, so it's your fault if it's bad. But all in all, it's great.

DEFAMER: Are your agents kissing your ass more?
ETAN: You know, I unfortunately have an agent who was a good friend of mine before he was an agent so he could really be a much better ass-kisser than he is.

DEFAMER: Tropic Thunder opens on Wednesday, August 13 (that's today, kids!). Here is what you are competing with over the weekend: Star Wars: The Clone Wars, the new Woody Allen movie Vicky Christina Barcelona, a horror movie called Mirrors with Keifer Sutherland, and some indie dramedy called Henry Poole Is Here starring Luke Wilson of Idiocracy fame. Why should people go see Tropic Thunder instead of those?
ETAN: I have a history of not helping Luke Wilson's career and I think I'm going to continue to do that. But why should you see our movie over Star Wars and the others? There's a truly amazing scope in our movie that's never been done in a comedy before. I think people will be astounded at how huge it is. I'd say for your ten dollar ticket, you get fifteen dollars of movie.

DEFAMER: Fair enough. One final question. The Dark Knight— greatest movie ever or a little overrated?
ETAN: I didn't even see it yet.

You know, I tremulously went and watched The Dark Knight myself, but it's a totally different movie, like, you know that Tom Cruise movie where he played the race-car driver? What was that movie called … anyway. It's like comparing that movie to Talladega Nights — it's two totally different animals. We have a leading man who can sort of relish being a cad, and that's a fun character to write for. We feel like we're in the clear.

Fair enough, Theroux — war is war, but face it: If Jon Favreau would simply bother to rival Tony Scott's Day-Glo Days of Thunder diapers, the best of both visionary worlds could be yours.

• ‘Tropic Thunder’ Writer Justin Theroux on ‘Simple Jack,’ ‘Iron Man 2,’ and Stupid Actors [Vulture]

"When I heard about it, I felt really hurt inside," said Special Olympics global messenger Dustin Plunkett.

"I cannot believe a writer could write something like that. It's the not the way that we want to be portrayed. We have feelings. We don't like the word retard. We are people. We're just like any other people out there. We want to be ourselves and not be discriminated against."

Andrew J. Imparato, president of the American Association of People with Disabilities, said he and other representatives from advocacy groups representing the mentally disabled met with DreamWorks co-chair Stacey Snider and watched a private screening of the film Monday morning. Imparato called the movie "tasteless" and said it was "offensive start to finish."

Despite the fun-dampening chant of "Call me by my name, not by my label!" echoing off in the distance, the premiere must go on—and it did, albeit with tightened security and views of the A-listers in attendance blocked off by 10-foot-high green fences, Variety reports.

As for the film's stars and star-writers, here's what some of them had to say about the controversy:

Justin Theroux: "I happen to disagree with them in regards to our film. It’s a shame that they are out there, and I hope that when it comes out, they will actually see the jokes for what they are — a deep cutting satire of Hollywood and the stars." [Us Weekly]
Jack Black: "Everyone has the right to protest. It’s a free country. Anytime that anyone feels that they are justified in their heart, more power to them." [Us Weekly]
Etan Cohen: "Some people have taken this as making fun of handicapped people, but we're really trying to make fun of the actors who use this material as fodder for acclaim. The last thing you want is for people to think you're making fun of the victims in this who are having their lives turned into fodder for people to win Oscar." [MTV News]
Ben Stiller: "It's sort of edgy territory, but we felt that as long as the focus was on the actors who were trying to do something to be taken seriously that's going too far or wrong, that was where the humor would come from. [The joke is on] actors reaching for roles in terms of hopefully winning awards." [MTV News]

It will be the A-listers, of course, who have the last laugh should Thunder succeed in doing what so many other couldn't, and toppling The Dark Knight at this weekend's box office—a movie, ironically enough, heralded by watchdog groups as an "exemplary instance of the disabled as being fully functional members of society, as depicted by Maggie Gyllenhaal's courageous and deeply honest performance."

• Mental disability groups protest 'Tropic Thunder' [AP]
• Tropic' premiere brings protest [Variety]
• Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes Face Protestors at Tropic Thunder Premiere [Us]
• 'Tropic Thunder' Director/Star Ben Stiller Says Disability Advocates' Planned Boycott Is Unwarranted [MTV Movies]

At least the other guy gave multiple-choice options for his idiotic, "Who'd you rather divorce/skullfuck/play-Halo 3-with?" line of questioning. Matenopolous, on the other hand, seems perfectly happy to just let random keywords drawn from the press materials hang in the air, strung together festively by a string of ellipses: "Vietnam...clearly...how did this happen?...genius...Oscar...[chuckle]...Avengers...Stiller...Chaplin?" Now, if you'll excuse us, we're going to shoot some smack between our toes. If we're going to nod off, we might as well enjoy the experience.

• Painful-to-Watch Video of the Day [WOW Report]

• WHAT HAPPENS WHEN JUNKETS GO BAD… [Hollywood Outbreak]

His logic is crystalline, but alas, its political incorrectness is drawing even deeper consideration this morning as disability advocates wage war on the R-Word:

It’s just good clean fun, the studio might say, pointing out that the movie also pokes fun at racial stereotypes. It’s a sendup of old Hollywood films that trotted out able-bodied actors in disability drag, like Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump, Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man and Sean Penn in I am Sam. Stiller isn’t laughing at people with intellectual disabilities, I can imagine his publicist saying. He’s laughing at the way Hollywood portrays them.

But for the estimated 14.3 million Americans with cognitive disabilities and their families, such arguments may be problematic. These people share a history of segregation and exclusion, and report that what many call the “R-word” reinforces negative social attitudes just as surely as racial, ethnic and sexually oriented slurs do. ...

“What we are seeing already is a cause of great concern,” [said Peter V. Berns, executive director of the disability activist org The Arc of the United States]. “People with intellectual and developmental disabilities have had a lot of pejorative labels assigned to them over the years. I’d like to think that we as a society are getting past that, but we are seeing one after the other examples that this is not the case.”

Indeed, Stiller's joke is on Hollywood and the likes of Hanks, Hoffman, Penn and others — not to mention the punchlines implicit in an industry whose urge to outdo itself seems directly inverse to its ability to moderate taste. That's all Tropic Thunder is in the end, and really, if it didn't go "full retard" the same way it goes "full megalomania" (with Tom Cruise) or "full junkie" (with Jack Black), it would be an even more protest-worthy clusterfuck of pulled punches and missed opportunities. We'd hate it, and those 14.3 million Americans (and their families) would still face much worse every few years come Oscar season. They still may, of course, but we have faith that once the "full retard" is out of the bottle, it's gone for good. Let the healing begin.

• 'Once upon a time … There was a retard’ [Patricia E. Bauer via NYT]

Produced for an estimated $90 million, Tropic also has been supported by $30 million or more in advertising, a media campaign roughly comparable to other R-rated comedies. Meantime, promo appearances by its ensemble cast have included the three amigos showing up in person on American Idol, the MTV Movie Awards, by video at Comic-Con and at Cinema Expo. ...

All the humor-laced promos, combined with sustained tubthumping by publicists, have lent the air of an event film that's out of proportion to any reasonable earnings prospects.

Superbad, an R-rated comedy released last Aug. 17, opened to $33.1 million and fetched $121.5 million domestically. The Apatow-produced comedy bowed a week after action comedy Rush Hour 3 debuted with $49.1 million.

In this case, Tropic opens a week after Pineapple Express, another gleefully naughty R-rated comedy from Team Apatow. So we've got one stoner flick, one Hollywood satire, both essentially unpromotable by conventional prime-time standards. What could the difference between that and a steaming Ratner mean for Paramount/DreamWorks? Likely nothing on opening weekend, when Tropic could ride to $45 million on Cruise and Downey buzz. After that, though? Watch out for a gruesome bout of box-office cannibalism, interrupted every few minutes by innocent bystanders requesting two more tickets for The Dark Knight. The horror, indeed.

• August's hot topic is 'Tropic Thunder' [THR]

Andy Dick, comedian

How drunk: Groping minors, getting arrested — classic Andy Dick, basically.

Latest: Nabbed by the police in Murrieta, California for drug use, posession of marijuana and Valium and for sexual assault after Dick grabbed a 17-year-old's breasts at 2am outside (sigh) "Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar."

Outlook: Given his long and distinguished track record, a relapse is virtually guaranteed.

Low point: Beaten up at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles in July 2007 by fellow comedian Jon Lovitz, who blamed him for the death of comedian Phil Hartman since Dick allegedly sold cocaine to Hartman's wife, a recovering addict, before she killed Hartman.

Jessica Simpson, singer

How drunk: Drunk at lunch, but not drunk driving.

Latest: Perhaps distraught at pictures of ex-flame John Mayer with actress Jennifer Aniston, Simpson last week went on a four-hour margarita binge at LA's Mexicali Cocina Cantina that ended with her friend puking under the table and Simpson abandoning her car.

Outlook: Her clean track record offers hope this was an isolated boozing, but she needs to get over Mayer.

Low point: The restaurant thing. Simpson was once a goody two-shoes, having started singing in a Baptist church before transitioning to harmless teen pop. She remained a virgin prior to her first marriage.

Amy Winehouse, singer

How drunk: Epically.

Latest: Thinks her home is inhabited by ghosts; caught smoking crack or something on video; punched, headbutted and stiffed three different people over the course of a single night; has a skin condition associated with crack addicts.

Outlook: Will probably deteriorate until she runs out of money or comes, somehow, closer to death. Rumors continue to circulate she'll seek treatment abroad, for example in Israel or South Africa. Whatever — these reports have been floated repeatedly in recent months and have yet to pan out.

Low point: Probably whatever is in the British tabloids on any given morning. Has had major issues at least since she's been famous. Her first U.S. hit was called "Rehab," after all.

Drew Barrymore, actress

How drunk: Engagement-breakingly, allegedly.

Latest: Dumped by actor Justin Long (whom she reportedly planned to marry) after he "got tired of having to help Drew to the car at the end of the night," according to the National Enquirer. After battling drugs and alcohol as a child star, Barrymore thought she had things under control.

Outlook: Decent: Continues to work, and normally tends to keep herself out of the tablouds.

Low point: Entering rehab at age 14, having already snorted cocaine.

Mischa Barton, actress

How drunk: Problematically.

Latest: Pled no contest to drunk driving charges dating to December, got three years probation and mandatory alcohol-education classes.

Outlook: Decent. Has largely avoided the tabloids save for the December incident. Recently declined to join the case of Gossip Girl to work on another project, so apparently staying (soberly) busy.

Low point: Puked in the street last year while partying with celebrity friends Kirsten Dunst and Jamie-Lynn Sigler.

Kirsten Dunst, actress

How drunk: Not? Rehabbed and hopefully not backsliding, despite that one rumor.

Latest: Dragged All Good Things co-star and rumored boyfriend Ryan Gosling to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, a recovery no-no. Is fresh out of two-month rehab stint in April.

Outlook: Decent chance of a relapse. She's 26 with no kids or long term relationship, and with one hell of a track record.

Low point: When so many anonymous tipsters emailed us about her getting drunk around New York that we had to run a special report.

Scott Weiland, singer

How drunk: Problematically.

Latest : The bipolar Stone Temple Pilots frontman served a 10-hour prison term earlier this month for a November drunk driving incident, his second in five years.

Outlook: Worrisome. With a wife of eight years and two children, hopefully the drunk driving incident was just a rocker's aberration, but it was his second in five years.

Low point: A two-month drug binge with Courtney Love in a hotel in 1998. Runners-up: Convicted of buying crack in 1995 and of driving drunk in 2003.

Eva Mendes, actress

How drunk: Menacingly, but supposedly all better.

Latest: Checked herself into the Cirque Lodge rehab facility in Utah in January to "privately attend to some personal issues."

Outlook: Bad. Has taken a movie role playing a Spanish drug lord in Queen of the South. This could mean the rehab stint was just method acting; more likely the drug lord role will do to Mendes what Less Than Zero did to Robert Downey Jr.

Low point: The recent rehab. No history of erratic behavior, unless you count posing topless in Italian Vogue.

Sean Young, actress

How drunk: Freshly rehabbed as of February.

Latest: Completed a sting in rehab earlier this year after being ejected from a Hollywood awards ceremony for bad behavior.

Outlook: Poor, due to a history of emotional volatility and bizarre behavior. According to Wikipedia, her role in Wall Street was reduced due to fights with Oliver Stone; she was sued by actor James Woods for harassment; she unsuccessfully tried to win a role on Batman Returns by confronting the director in a homemade Catwoman costume; she was fired from the movie Dick Tracy. Her last marriage ended in 2002.

Low point: Heckled director Julian Schnabel during his speech at the Director's Guild of America awards in January. Believed to be intoxicated, she was escorted out.

Justin Chambers, actor and former model

How drunk: Not. Finally getting rested after a recent hospital stay.

Latest: Checked himself into UCLA Medical Center with what he said was a sleep disorder. But after his discharge, was spotted passing out and acting bizarrely at the Village Pub in Palm Springs.

Outlook: Good, if you make the difficult assumption he's telling the truth about his sleep disorder and that reports he was only drinking non-alcoholic beer at the pub are true.

Low point: The Village Pub incident.

Miley Cyrus, singer and actress

How drunk: At 15, has possibly never been drunk. Then again, maybe there is something to these pictures of her stumbling out of a club in Hollywood.

Latest: Her scandalous, topless-except-for-a-sheet photo spread in Vanity Fair, obviously. Also, she keeps emailing underwear pictures to her boyfriend, which somehow end up online. None of which indicates she is on a path toward drinking or addiction, just that she is growing up and clearly ready to move beyond her goody-goody image on the TV show Hannah Montana.

Outlook: Very good. But the relentless pressure from Disney to never grow up could finally make her snap.

Low point: Vanity Fair incident.

Kate Moss, model

How drunk: Modestly, and only via booze. Yay!

Latest: On the one hand, she's reportedly engaged to be married, practicing yoga and tending to her fashion line. On the other, she looked scary and strung out in the last of these February pictures, and sometimes will randomly go without underwear. In March, she had a "boozy lunch" in Paris and then licked her boyfriend's neck.

Outlook: Good. She's avoided any public cocaine relapses over the past three years, though clearly drinks sometimes. She should be further grounded by continuing to raise her daughter, six, and by a reported engagement to guitarist Jamie Hince.

Low point: In 2005, was famously photographed by British tabloid the Daily Mirror snorting cocaine at a recording session for Babyshambles, band of her junkie boyfriend Pete Doherty. She was subsequently dropped by both Chanel and Burberry and entered rehab.

Courtney Love, singer

How drunk: Epically.

Latest: Despite recently handing out sobriety advice to Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears and declaring herself rehabbed, Love was spotted in London this spring looking drunk and carrying copious prescription drugs, which she has abused in the past.

Outlook: Poor. Love insists she's reformed but somehow few people are convinced.

Low point: So many to choose from! Probably the time she thought she was going to die so her hangers-on, according to Love, stole $20 million.

Lindsay Lohan, actress (at one point, apparently)

How drunk: Constantly, visibly and criminally.

Latest: Accused of stealing someone else's fur coat from a nightclub. Also recent: getting plastered with her girlfriend at Hawaiian Tropic Club, falling limply while trying to get into a car outside a Hollywood.

Outlook: Surprisingly pretty good. She's getting good report cards on the set of her new movie, and is a newly minted femme lesbian.

Low point: When walking medicine cabinet Courtney Love told her she really needed to shape up. Also: five car incidents in three years, including one where she was alleged to have been chasing someone in her car while drunk.

Naomi Campbell, abusive supermodel

How drunk: Unconvincingly reformed.

Latest: Campbell is trying to redeem herself following a spitting, racial-epithet-hurling attack on police at Heathrow airport. She bought coffee for cast members of TV show Ugly Betty and smiled at Heathrow police.

Outlook: Poor. Campbell has falsely claimed to be reformed in the past. In 2006, Campbell told W magazine, "Some people can handle a drink or a line of cocaine, but I’ve finally come to realize that, for me, it’s all or nothing — and it has to be nothing." She was later photographed drinking wine at dinner.

Low point: In 2006, after being arrested for her latest cell-phone beating of the help, she was forced to scrub toilets as part of a community service sentence. She claimed the experience was sobering before moving on to further meltdowns.

Pat O'Brien, TV host

How drunk: Freshly rehabbed, working again — for the second time.

Latest: Entered rehab in February (his last rehab had been in 2005). Despite speculation to the contrary, he returned to his hosting gig on The Insider.

Outlook: Weak, since he has relapsed once before.

Low point: A drunken, horny voice mail left prior to his most recent rehab stint.

Paris Hilton, attention-mad socialite

How drunk: Very, but in a totally older, more responsible way.

Latest: Hilton now says she's become more domestic, staying home (heavens!) some nights and even cooking dinner for serious boyfriend and rocker Benji Madden. She's taken to wearing a diamond ring on her wedding ring finger and reportedly even talks of children.

Outlook: Precarious. Marriage and increased sobriety are possible; more likely is a breakup and total Hilton meltdown. The starlet has failed at reform before: The Times in March reminded everyone that Hilton still had not taken a charity trip to Rwanda or set up a transitional home for women, as promised on Larry King Live following a jail term.

Low point: Was sent to jail for repeatedly driving on a license suspended in connection with a drunk driving conviction. Runner up: When her cat was reclaimed for alleged neglectful treatment.

Nicole Richie, actress, fashion plate

How drunk: Minimally.

Latest: Richie gave birth in January and subsequently said her daughter and relationship to boyfriend Benji Madden, the girl's father, gave her life new meaning and helped her "move on" from her wilder days. Richie's friend Paris Hilton is said to be hoping for a similarly grounding relationship with her boyfriend, Benji Madden, brother to Joel.

Outlook: Decent. Richie raised $1 million by selling pictures of her baby, and her dad Lionel is rich, so she's well funded to either raise a family or have a Britney Spears-style post-baby meltdown. She's 26 so the chance of the latter is not insignificant. But there are no immediate warning signs.

Low point: In 2003, was arrested for possession of heroin. Runner-up: Becoming dramatically thing after a falling out with party buddy Paris Hilton and a brief jail sentence on drunk driving charges.

Britney Spears, wayward singer

How drunk: Only on Frappuccinos (this month).

Latest development: Spears is back in the recording studio, has appeared in repeated successful TV cameos and gained new visitation rights with her two sons after a court commissioner said he was "extremely impressed" with her progress.

Outlook: Good, for now. With her father in control of her money and many aspects of her life, Spears is unlikely to backslide anytime soon, particularly given how much she wants to regain custody of her kids. The question is whether she'll be able to stay sober once she has her kids back and is in full control of her bank account.

Low point: Flashing her vag to paparazzi in 2006 while clubbing with Paris Hilton. Runners up: Her two psych-ward stays this year; brief, recent relationships with scuzzballs Adnan Ghalib and Sam Lutfi; shaving her head and bashing a car with an umbrella.

Robert Downey, Jr., actor

How drunk: Stone cold sober.

Latest: Downey's film Iron Man has been a critical and financial success, with Downey now expected to take part in sequels. He appears in blackface in the forthcoming comedy Tropic Thunder with Ben Stiller

Outlook: No reason to think he's anything but clean and sober from here on out. Unless you've heard something. What, have you heard something??

Low point: In 2000-2001, when a series of arrests saw him kicked off the hit TV show Ally McBeal. Struggled with drug abuse throughout the 1990s, and eventually served at least a year and a half in jail and several years on probation and in drug treatment.

Not long after returning director Jon Favreau went mildly public with script concerns in advance of Marvel's two-year turnaround, Theroux joins Favreau and Robert Downey Jr. in the creative cluster responsible for The Biggest, Hugest, Megapressure Sequel of 2010. This after exactly one previous writing job co-scripting (with Ben Stiller and Etan Cohen) next month's hit-to-be Tropic Thunder for Marvel's partners at Paramount, and one underseen directing job on the Weinstein-smothered, indie rom-com Dedication. It's an intriguing gamble by Marvel, who reaped Actor-Power benefits from Iron Man that notably went missing-in-action in Ed Norton's hands-on Incredible Hulk.

Saying the studio will take the best two out of three is obvious oversimplifying, but this kind of inexpensive one-brain cohesion is a studio M.O. we can get behind. And Theroux — we get it! You're talented! Try modesty; mix in a pseudonym or something already. For our sakes! Jesus.

• Theroux to write 'Iron Man' sequel [Variety]

boomp3.com

A Foot Locker referee assisted Robert Downey Jr. in finding a pair of running shoes on Thursday. While the Iron Man star was browsing a section of more affordable pairs of shoes, the referee insisted that Downey check out another section of running shoes. The ref added, "Come on, you're Iron Man. Live a little. Let's take a look at the executive line. It's like you're running on fluffy bags of cotton candy when you go with the executive line."

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

The Take:
RDJ: A fast-talking, self-absorbed Holmes with hints of deep inner-turmoil, Downey's creation will overcome a career-threatening intravenous morphine habit to become the toast of London's A-list private detective scene.
SBC: A snootier and less aware take on the erudite detective, this Holmes will always insist, despite the bafflement of his perennial sidekick Watson, that the best way to solve a particularly difficult case is to visit the local all-boys brothel for some closed-door interrogations.

The Case
RDJ: An Apparition on the Moors
SBC: The Problem of the One-Legged Beefeater

The Detective Style
RDJ: Drawing upon the obsessiveness of his reporter character in Zodiac, virtually no detail will be overlooked as Downey's detective combs the London streets and estate countryside in search of Lord Downey of Chatsworth's coldblooded killer.
SBC: The brilliant Holmes will disarm unwitting suspects by shoving a microphone in their face and a hammering them with a barrage of questions so disarmingly moronic—"So, did you kill the liveryman? Oh, I see. Well, what about...now?!"—he eventually stumbles upon an accidental confession.

The Watson
RDJ: Hoping to recapture some of their Iron Man magic, look for Terrence Howard to be approached to play filmdom's first black Watson, his soulful, mossy-green eyes welling with prideful tears after every successfully solved case.
SBC: Will Ferrell has already been announced, and with that the promise of an exciting light beer tie-in, in which the improvisational comedian looks into the camera and announces: "It's elementary. I'm horny."

The Catchphrase
RDJ: "The game is afoot!"
SBC: "Does this cloak make me look fat?"

[Photo Credit:The Satchel Pages]

• Downey Jr. set for 'Sherlock Holmes' [Variety]

But it all appears to be moot now as not-so-shocking reports trickle in saying Favreau is on board. For good measure, and because God knows it's a long way to that April 2010 opening, the Favreau backlash is already underway at Deadline Hollywood Daily:

Marvel Studios boss David Maisel was quick to put out a "definitely" richer offer to Favreau, but not quick enough for Jon — who used the Internet and other media to rile up the movie's many fans by spreading nonsense that Marvel was dragging its feet and then lowballing him. Granted Maisel is no day at the beach himself, but, seriously, could Favreau have been more of an asshole?

Only two more years of this, Jon — no pressure. Welcome to the big time!

• So What Was All The Fuss About? [DHD]

• Tony Stark Appears in New Incredible Hulk TV Spot [/Film]
• incrediblehulk.marvel.com

There were even some conquering summer box office heroes on hand, in the guise of Tropic Thunder stars Robert Downey Jr., Jack Black, and Ben Stiller, digitally inserted into a vintage Gladys Knight performance as her backing Pips. (Downey wisely decided to leave his black face makeup kit at home.) The entire video is available for purchase on iTunes—the profits also going to some (non DeBargeian) charity—but we've included a short clip above. In it, Black and Downey abandon their Pip-marks, leaving Stiller to handle the complex hand-spins and toe-taps of the legendary backing trio's choreography on his own. What follows is not exactly clear: Shortly thereafter, Black tumbles back into the frame with his pants around his ankles; a contented Downey soon follows. Are we to infer that the pair just rode an express Midnight Man-Train to Georgia? We'll just assume we are.

• American Idol